Why do some women put up with it?

Alessandra

I am a single lady in my mid-twenties.

When I see my friends being treated to weekends away, nights out or nights in I have to admit I am rather envious of them. It would be nice to have someone in my life and not just have to think of myself all the time.

However I am constantly being reminded of the fact that being part of a couple is not always as easy as it seems.

I have one particular friend who lives with me and is a little younger than me and already engaged. Her partner is about my age and working already. She studies at my college and we live with other students. While our nights out are mostly confined to the weekends we go out *some* week nights to celebrate deadlines etc. She chooses more often than not to stay in alone/with the OH. She is always included but decides to opt out and this is fine with us.
Inevitably she misses out on things from the nights etc and thus feels excluded.. Now I think it's a bit ridiculous when she is always invited enthusiastically. The few times she comes out, she is constantly on her mobile because the OH is ringing to see if she is talking to any men, wtf ? If a man is in the house and he is not there he will demand to know their name etc and relationship status. Now it's slightly dramatic of him to forsee that any single male is going to lust after his girlfriend though she is pretty etc. I tell her it is controlling and she shouldn't get upset. She says "he's been hurt in the past". I think it's easier for her if she stays in than come out. All the while he can go on benders to strip clubs when he chooses:rolleyes:

I have to wonder what she sees in this relationship and I imagine it's the security of having someone to care about her and give attention?

Novella

I guess when you love someone, or think you love them, sometimes you don't realise what you are "putting up with". What is insane jealousy and extreme clinginess can just seem sweet at the time.

I went out with a guy for a a couple of years who expected me to spend pretty much all of my time with him and at the time, because I was so infatuated with him, I thought, "Ahhh, he must really, really like me".

In general, I think it's a case of it being hard to see the wood from the trees when you're standing in the middle of the forest. When a person falls out of love, or a relationship ends, the flaws in the other person and in the relationship become more visible, hence the, "Oh dear, what was I thinking!" thing.

MJOR

I think a lot of women put up with things like this. Maybe though you should take into account that different people prioritise different things in a partner. Personally I would hate to be smothered but everyones tolerance is different

anonymous_joe

A friend of mine used to make a deliberate point of scoring another girl if his girlfriend rang/texted to tell him not to talk to other women.

Some people will put up with it, and plenty will do the same thing.

amacachi

Because some people are idiots. That's about it.

sillyputty

I have a friend in the exact same situation.

It has gotten to the point where she just refuses to go out at all with the girls. Basically he must know where she goes and what time she gets home at.

It makes me sad, a relationship should be based on trust not jealousy or suspicion. Its frustrating because she deserves better.

sam34

i was involved in a relationship like this for a while

its hard to describe, tbh

he was incredibly jealous, controlling and possessive

going out without him was nightmareish because he would constantly ring and text, and even turned up at times "i just happened to be passing" **

why did i put up with it? it happened so insidiously that i didnt even realise it was happening until it was quite established behaviour, if that makes sense

and by then, i was almost a broken woman anyway

when youre trapped by someone like that, it is very very hard to see a way out

getting out of that relationship took an amount of strength and courage that i didnt even know i had, and the thing that propelled me out was teh fact that i knew he would systematically destroy me if i didnt go

**edit, he did much worse things than that, but theyre not relevant to this thread

Giselle

I think at first its a sort of ego boost because you think to yourself that he likes you so much he can't go ten minutes without wondering what you're doing.

Then you realise you're being controlled, not loved.:(

sam34

i remember once going to the corner shop - i was gone from home for ten mins, as teh shop was very close-by

i didnt bring my phone with me

when i got home, there were 13 missed calls on my mobile, and 8 on the landline

Maple

sam34 wrote: »

why did i put up with it? it happened so insidiously that i didnt even realise it was happening until it was quite established behaviour, if that makes sense

QFT.

When you're not "that" type of person, when this behaviour is alien to your nature it can be hugely difficult to identify. The line gets crossed once, you fight, resolve it, next the boundaries get pushed a little further, you argue, resolve it and things are fine. Then the boundaries get pushed a little further, all the while explained so rationally that sometimes you end up wondering if it's actually you that has the problem.

Well done for having the strength to end it and walk away.

globemaster1986

Giselle wrote: »

I think at first its a sort of ego boost because you think to yourself that he likes you so much he can't go ten minutes without wondering what you're doing.

Then you realise you're being controlled, not loved.:(

Its worth pointing out some women can be just as bad in this respect! Basically its not healthy and the girl in question can't see it from your perspective OP, for what it really is

WindSock

For me it was someting like this:

'I don't mind my boyfriend calling and texting me frequently and questioning who I talk to, because I know I haven't done anything wrong and have nothing to hide'.

Well I was doing something wrong. Putting up with that shite for far longer than I should have in the hope that he would finally learn he could trust me.
Of course, this didn't happen. In fact, it got worse and I finally copped on enough to walk away.

Not only that, but sometimes I notice the ones that are most paranoid about this sort of thing often have some blemishes to hide themselves.

sam34

WindSock wrote: »

Not only that, but sometimes I notice the ones that are most paranoid about this sort of thing often have some blemishes to hide themselves.

very very true

as someone once said to me, suspicion haunts guilty minds

princess-lala

Some people dont see anything wrong with this when they are in a relationship. I however get really annoyed when Im out with friends or whatever and my OH (when I have one) is always texting/ringing.

My brother and his girlfriend are always on the phone to each other wanting to know where the other is and whos there and what time they will be home, who they are talking to and so on!

I for one couldnt live like that, I enjoy doing my own thing way too much

iguana

I have a friend who is going out with a guy like this. He is a nice guy and I initially thought he was good for her but he is so damn insecure their relationship has become extremely unhealthy. Last Easter they were broken up and I invited her over for dinner with us, another couple and a work mate of my husband's; "Tom." Later in the week she and her boyfriend got back together and she begged me that if I was talking to him could we tell him that "Tom" had a girlfriend and she was at dinner too, otherwise her boyfriend would go mad that she was at a dinner party where there was a single man.

Later in the year we invited her and her boyfriend to come and see a show with us and "Tom" was also there. Cue her sneaking off to take "Tom" aside and beg him to tell her boyfriend he is in a long-term relationship if he asked. Her boyfriend spent half the night throwing "Tom" the stink-eye and stalked off early. Half an hour later we spotted him staring in the window of the pub we were in checking to see what she was up to. She was annoyed and embarrassed but she was also placating him on the phone later that night.

The saddest part of the story is that she's in her mid-40s.

christmasinjuly

unfortunatelly my bf over reacts sometimes jealousy wont let me go out to a packed club without him but he has serious confidence issues and to be honest some people enjoy the thought of being wanted that way especially women lacking of confidence

Ickle Magoo

Alessandra wrote: »

I have to wonder what she sees in this relationship and I imagine it's the security of having someone to care about her and give attention?

In my experience, these kind of relationships don't start out like that so it's not a case of always knowing that's the kind of territory you've slipped into. Insecure and controlling guys (and girls) start out pretty normal, alluring and attractive and don't raise any noticeable red flags, the relationship progresses and you start caring. Weird stuff just gradually start creeping slowly in and are argued over then normalised, something else happens and is argued over and normalised, and so on until it reaches a level that to the average outsider seems ridiculous.

shellyboo

christmasinjuly wrote: »

unfortunatelly my bf over reacts sometimes jealousy wont let me go out to a packed club without him but he has serious confidence issues and to be honest some people enjoy the thought of being wanted that way especially women lacking of confidence

He doesn't want you in that way - it's not want, it's fear. Fear of being betrayed, rejected, made a fool of. It diesnt come from a place of love, it comes from ego, from pride and vanity.

Men who control their partners don't do it because they're mad about someone - they do it because there's something lacking in their own self-esteem.

Charlie.

I agree, it can develop so gradually that you may not even realise, at first it comes across as caring- maybe they put it across as being concerned for your safety and I suppose at the start of relationships a lot of people want to spend most of their social time with their partner so it doesn't seem abnormal. It's only when the relationships ends that you realise how unhealthy the relationship was.

It scares me to be honest, how people outside the relationship can see situation more clearly than the person in the relationship. I always thought I would never let it happen to me but when I look back on relationships and certain things that happened I see how easy it actually is to get sucked in to a realtionship like this and you wouldn't even realise it.

yourdeadwright

if you dont trust your other half enough to let them enjoy a night out whats the piont being with them, if they want to cheat there going to regardless,
I couldnt take it if my girlfriend was like that, and im sure she'd tell me where to go if i started it,
For one of the main parts of a working realtionship is trust, its not realistic to think that your other half is never going to get chatted up, u just hae to know her well neough to have trust in her that it wont matter and she'll laugh it off

Emme

iguana wrote: »

Later in the year we invited her and her boyfriend to come and see a show with us and "Tom" was also there. Cue her sneaking off to take "Tom" aside and beg him to tell her boyfriend he is in a long-term relationship if he asked. Her boyfriend spent half the night throwing "Tom" the stink-eye and stalked off early. Half an hour later we spotted him staring in the window of the pub we were in checking to see what she was up to. She was annoyed and embarrassed but she was also placating him on the phone later that night.

The saddest part of the story is that she's in her mid-40s.

Is "Tom" still single? I think your friend would be better off with him if they were both into each other. Her boyfriend sounds like a right piece of work.

When I was in my 20s I went out with a guy like that. He was a bit older, very charming and flattering at the start but was always giving me "advice", telling me what to wear etc. I ended up dressing like a nun, never seeing my friends and putting up with him ridiculing my family and trying to stop me seeing them. I woke up and left him when he hit me - we were living together about two months and we had a fight because I didn't get down on my hands and knees and wash the kitchen floor. He didn't do a tap of housework during the two months I lived with him and was always criticising the way I did things.

These guys eat away at your self-esteem - they pick a weakness and play on it. I'd imagine that yer man tells your friend in her mid-40s that she'll never find anyone at her age and he's all she can get. It's crap but that's how these guys operate.

Women stay with men like that because they don't think they can get anyone else and they feel they have to be in a relationship to be complete. Emotional abuse is very common.

I once went on a date with a guy who rang me for spending too long in the loo :eek: - there was a queue and that's what delayed me!

MellHell....

Sounds like she is just young and he is young, all you can do is "enlighten" her and dont worry about it yourself. The lads are generally that bit more slower to grow up (is it ok to generalise when theres not many exceptions ) . When people are young they very rarely listen and learn the hard way....

LordDorington

To be fair, people do not always seek out these kinds of relationships. I speak from experience, having been in a controlled relationship with someone for five years - someone who is manipulative, verbally abusive, emotionally dependant and basically a general freak.
The relationship did not start out that way, it was all grand gestures and "love" and romance etc (in the future of course I will know that early declarations and dispays of love are a big warning) but I was only 21, still in college, no experience etc. My partner was older, more experienced and then one day you just realise "hey Im being controlled" or "this is not normal, why am I amswering 20 questions about who was on the phone and why I am ten minutes late?"

Pyr0

I'm all for a quick text or phone call asking what the story is "Will you be home late ?" or "Ya there with the lads ?", general stuff like that. It's when you see the person glued to the phone, re-assuring the OH that no girls are chatting them up or that their not looking at women, cheating on them ALL night is when it starts to get creepy.

Acoshla

I once had a boyfriend like that, I will never forget one night in particular. He was in college in Limerick at the time, I was at home in our hometown where I was in college, we'd been seeing each other only a few weeks, and he rang me sobbing that he had no friends in college, I was 17 years old and knew him a few weeks, what was I supposed to do to help??

So anyways he said let's change the subject to something cheerier, so I started babbling about what I was going to wear going out that night and he said in absolute disbelief "You're going out tonight, when I feel like this?"!! He genuinely expected me to stay at home and mope because some guy I knew a few weeks was feeling sorry for himself hundreds of miles away, he said the thoughts of me having fun and talking to other guys made him feel even more depressed and I obviously didn't really like him, riiiiight. He did his absolute best on many occasions to make me feel bad for going out with my friends, thankfully it never worked.

Luckily I copped pretty quickly that he would make my life hell, but the amount of friends I've seen tolerate this kind of thing, clever girls in their 20's, it's madness.

Boston

I like how in the original poster's story the friend is "going for a night out" but the lad is "Going on a bender", talk about spin. People have insecurities, especially where relationships are concerned. You can't pander to them nor can you ignore them. The best approach is to recognise they exist, talk about it, and find a compromise. I did the "whole world revolves around one person" thing once, never again.

As an aside, this thread details an encounter with one such male retard a few weeks ago.

barbiegirl

I was your friend, the whole way through college, though I waited until I graduated to get engaged. Thankfully I saw sense.
I wish I'd seen it sooner as I feel I wasted, certainly the last year in college, when I knew I wanted out, (I know I still got engaged to him, was complicated and I was young).
Support her, if or when she starts feeling smoothered by him, support her to get out. Only she can decide to break free.
A working guy and a college going girl can work out, but only if he allows her the freedon to do college. My sister and her now husband were like that. He trusted her implicitly, and still does, they're together now nearly 20 years.

toogood4u

Just in for work and reading through boards and this post really hit home with me. I think we all know someone or even are someone in this situation. I think Sam 34 mad a point by saying when you are trapped by somebody like that it is very hard to find a way out. I can remember when I was 21, I worked with a guy,i didn't like him in that way but as a friend. Then I got sick and my friend explained to him why I was not at work. I woke up the next day to find him watching me sleeping. I tried so so hard to be nice to him and spare his feelings but he would not take the hint. Months later when I was well enough to tell him to f off, I realised how controling he was and the mind games he was playing with me. I will never forget how bad he made me feel. Still to this day he calls me his ex,even though we never kissed. Nobody willever have thet control over me ever again.

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