My partner's ex-wife is losing the plot?

LegacyUser

Hey! Ok well to cut the most complicated story in the world short - Basically my partners had an affair behind his wives back. She found out, was upset but eventually agreed that they were no longer in love and they moved to separate bedrooms but stayed living together for the sake of their 3 children and financial convenience. His affair stopped but 2 years later he met me. He wasn't secretive about our relationship so his wife knew in no time and as he expected she said everything was fine but he would have to move out - and he did....no problem. Since then though she has been acting increasingly weirder and weirder one day when she had scheduled for him to see the kids she deliberatley took them out for the day and nobody was there when he arrived - she wasn't the slightest bit apologetic either.

I have just found out that she has been stalking my facebook too....she even worked out the exact house we were moving in to from disecting comments on my profile and then searching for the house on the internet in homes to rent or whichever.

Myself and my boyfriend are both really active members/moderators on a special interest forum too - she registered as a user and was going on 3 - 4 times a day just looking at our profiles and searching for posts we had made.

She is also bullying him in to signing the house over to her at this stage - he is trying to make he wait until they divorce but she won't have any of it - and she knows he is a big softy when it comes to his kids.

Anyway, basically her behavior is slowly getting creepier and creepier....i feel a little bit violated in the sense that she knows where i live, work, what i drive etc. I can deal with that but what worries me even more is that she is 100% responsible for raising 3 children. Surely this type of obsessive psychotic behavior is not a good atmosphere for young influential children.

Anyone any advice?

Angus Og

I think you would be better to try and keep a low profile until you move. Don't drag the kids in to it, as that may turn him against you and back in to her arms. Her behaviour isn't good for the children, but you will have to thread carefully if you want to do something about it.

I guess you can't block her IP from your forum, if she isn't being openly offensive.

As for the Facebook: http://personalweb.about.com/od/facebookprivacysettings/a/stop_facebook_stalker.htm

Is it too late to find a different house?

LegacyUser

Doesn't seem that complicated of a story to me. Always remember when you shack up with someone elses leavings that you only have their side of the story. Not a realistic picture of what went on. He'll have put a nice spin on things, no doubt making himself look the wronged innocent.

Her behaviour is obsessive but not psychotically so as you have suggested. But this type of thing comes with the territory and as long as those two have the kids in common she is always going to be a feature. You need to get used to that.

Couples, unfortunately play dirty even when kids are involved. Taking the incident where she allegedly took the kids off when he was supposed to have them, well what do you really know?

Maybe she is a vindictive b1tch using the kids as a weapon or maybe he made and broke playdates before failing to turn up and dissappointing the kids. You have HIS side and HIS side only.

This is the way its is going to be. She is in your lives because you have come into hers.

I think you need to set boundaries but not get too hysterical about it. Stay calm and let it be known you are aware she is checking your Facebook your forum etc and if needs be block her.

But dont expect a smooth road. Be realistic.

LegacyUser

I would say that this is still early days for all concerned.

You didn't say how recently he moved out? Presumably this woman is still dealing with the finality of the break up of her marriage and family. She doesn't sound psychotic to me.

Its unlikely she'll still be doing this is a year or two, but you will still have a relationship with him, her and their kids in a year or two if you stay with your new partner, so you need to handle things very gently right now. I'd be inclined to say nothing and let her stalk all she wants on facebook. She's only hurting herself with that kind of thing, not you, and she would probably be mortified if she knew you were aware of what she's doing.

So for the sake of your future involvement with this family, try to do and say as little as possible for now and focus on your new relationship instead, and hopefully she will heal in time.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here,

Thanks for all the replies.

We have already moved in to our place....it's not like we didn't want her to know where we are. My boyfriend was giving her the address and she made a point of letting him know she knew already.

Um timeline is all very whirlwindy....mainly because of her reaction. We started going out Early October, he moved in with me to a house share mid-December and we moved in to our own place together last week.

I completely understand that she has every right to deal with all this in her own way. Shes not denying stalking the internet forum, or even my facebook - it's like she's proud of it. Tonight she sent him a message saying "I'm watching everything you and Miss Piggy do - (She's the image)"

Like, in my book that is just juvenile and nasty....this woman is almost 50 years of age with 3 children. It just doesn't sit well with me at all that they are in that environment

jellyboy

hi op...

As a happilly divocred man of 12 years and three kids...a few exs....i have some advice...

Keep your feelings or ur heart away from her kids....very very dangerous ground...

even thought they slept in diffo rooms they stil lived together and that was a sense of secuirty ....

ur on dangerous ground.....

give her space

PopUp

Honestly I have to agree with everybody else. Nothing you've said suggests this person is mad or obsessive, let alone a danger to her kids (seriously, that is not the kind of accusation you should just throw around).

The two of you have been going out together for four months. It may be that you are soulmates and meant to be. But this guy has three kids and that means that things need to be cautious and slow. This woman was living with him up until a couple of months ago. She is right to be concerned about who her kids are going to be exposed to. Just relax, take it slow. I'm sure you are a lovely person and everything will work out. Just take it easy. Leave all the 'dealing with ex/access to kids' issues to your partner - it is his business and his entitlement, after all. Your over-involvement may be counterproductive.

LegacyUser

irritated wrote: »

It just doesn't sit well with me at all that they are in that environment

WHAT?

It doesn't sit well with YOU that the womans own kids are living with HER?

Its nothing to do with you where the kids live. Nothing. It sounds like this couple were together far more recently that your 'boyfriend' lets on. It sounds like he is telling you one thing and told her another, hence her snooping and anger.

But that has nothing to do with the kids. And the kids have nothing to do with you.

You don't like whats going on but you have no say in their living arrangements.

Seriously, you need to realise what you are in the middle of. Your 'boyfriend' sounds like a serial womaniser. You could end up like the wife someday yourself. Think on.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry you're allowed to be annoyed about the facebook thing etc, but you've no right to judge this woman as a mother unless you think her kids are actually in danger i'd suggest you keep your nose out. As for the signing over the house thing, this man had an affair and you think it's injust that the family home should stay with his wife and kids, why is that exactly?

JohnnyCrash

confusedmuch wrote: »

I'm sorry you're allowed to be annoyed about the facebook thing etc, but you've no right to judge this woman as a mother unless you think her kids are actually in danger i'd suggest you keep your nose out. As for the signing over the house thing, this man had an affair and you think it's injust that the family home should stay with his wife and kids, why is that exactly?

And do you think that just because "this man had an affair",he should just sign over just like that?

themadchef

So, he had an affair, she found out, they agreed to stay under same roof for kids sake but not as a couple, affair stopped for whatever reason. There's 2 years of details missing until he meets you. You both moved in together together in less than 6 months. More or less true?

Might i suggest to you:

1. The guy had an affair, he's hardly an ambassador for truth. I'm not saying he's lying but the truth is easy to bend. There's the way he sees it, the way she sees it and the way it actually is.

2. You sound like you're really heavily invested here and it's early days, take a step back would be my advice.

3. Avoid this woman like the plague, make your FB private and as many other things in your life as possible. Leave the parenting to the parents.

4. Leave him to worry about his ex, you concentrate on your relationship with him. Everyone deserves to be happy, adultery is difficult to come to terms with, maybe she's not over it, him, whatever, but that's her worry not yours.

You may end up being the obsessive one here of you dont take a step back.

JohnnyCrash

To the OP Irritated,
Are they separated?,legally,that is!

LegacyUser

JohnnyCrash wrote: »

And do you think that just because "this man had an affair",he should just sign over just like that?

Eh I think any half decent man should want their wife and kids to have a roof over their heads, you don't agree?

JohnnyCrash

confusedmuch wrote: »

Eh I think any half decent man should want their wife and kids to have a roof over their heads, you don't agree?

Eh, i certainly do,but nobody said anything about throwing them out on the street. Why should he just sign over? Im sure the guy in question worked hard all his life,contributed to the mortgage etc.He has an equal claim to the house etc.There are lots of options!

LegacyUser

JohnnyCrash wrote: »

Eh, i certainly do,but nobody said anything about throwing them out on the street. Why should he just sign over? Im sure the guy in question worked hard all his life,contributed to the mortgage etc.He has an equal claim to the house etc.There are lots of options!

So what would you suggest, they sell the house for pittens and his wife and child rent a place?

Emme

Being stalked isn't pleasant but the OP should expect a bit of unpleasantness considering the way she and her OH met and started living together. I don't think is wife is being obsessive - she just wants to know the sort of woman she is being replaced with (this time :rolleyes:) and that's natural for the mother of any man's children.

The OP's partner is a separated man with an estranged wife (not ex wife, AFAIK he isn't divorced yet) and 3 children. This woman is the mother of his children and they lived under the same roof for the sake of those children. Stalking isn't good for children but their father moving out of the family home to live with somebody else isn't good for them either.

IMHO no marriage is totally over until the divorce papers are signed. Legally separated is all very well, but divorce is legal in Ireland so why stop at separation?

I'd advise the OP to get out or at least be very careful what she's getting into. I was stalked by a boyfriend's ex (he wasn't married to her, she had been a girlfriend), had to go to the Gardai over nuisance phone calls and get my mobile number changed. It was horrible and it turned out that the boyfriend had been in touch with his ex all along.

LegacyUser

confusedmuch wrote: »

So what would you suggest, they sell the house for pittens and his wife and child rent a place?

Im not suggesting anything,i dont know the full ins and outs of the situation. Im assuming you're female,could be wrong.If i am,i apologise in advance.It seems to me that when these types of situations arise,the injured party seems to think they have all the rights,hold all the cards etc....Like other posters have said,theres 2 sides to every story,but from what i can see,everyones jumping to the defence of the woman! And it is true what they say "Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned"

JohnnyCrash

Emme wrote: »

Being stalked isn't pleasant but the OP should expect a bit of unpleasantness considering the way she and her OH met and started living together. I don't think is wife is being obsessive - she just wants to know the sort of woman she is being replaced with (this time :rolleyes:) and that's natural for the mother of any man's children.

The OP's partner is a separated man with an estranged wife (not ex wife, AFAIK he isn't divorced yet) and 3 children. This woman is the mother of his children and they lived under the same roof for the sake of those children. Stalking isn't good for children but their father moving out of the family home to live with somebody else isn't good for them either.

IMHO no marriage is totally over until the divorce papers are signed. Legally separated is all very well, but divorce is legal in Ireland so why stop at separation?

I'd advise the OP to get out or at least be very careful what she's getting into. I was stalked by a boyfriend's ex (he wasn't married to her, she had been a girlfriend), had to go to the Gardai over nuisance phone calls and get my mobile number changed. It was horrible and it turned out that the boyfriend had been in touch with his ex all along.

You have to be living apart for at least 4 of the last 5 years AFAIK

Ickle Magoo

irritated wrote: »

Hey! Ok well to cut the most complicated story in the world short - Basically my partners had an affair behind his wives back. She found out, was upset but eventually agreed that they were no longer in love and they moved to separate bedrooms but stayed living together for the sake of their 3 children and financial convenience. His affair stopped but 2 years later he met me. He wasn't secretive about our relationship so his wife knew in no time and as he expected she said everything was fine but he would have to move out - and he did....no problem. Since then though she has been acting increasingly weirder and weirder one day when she had scheduled for him to see the kids she deliberatley took them out for the day and nobody was there when he arrived - she wasn't the slightest bit apologetic either.

I have just found out that she has been stalking my facebook too....she even worked out the exact house we were moving in to from disecting comments on my profile and then searching for the house on the internet in homes to rent or whichever.

Myself and my boyfriend are both really active members/moderators on a special interest forum too - she registered as a user and was going on 3 - 4 times a day just looking at our profiles and searching for posts we had made.

She is also bullying him in to signing the house over to her at this stage - he is trying to make he wait until they divorce but she won't have any of it - and she knows he is a big softy when it comes to his kids.

Anyway, basically her behavior is slowly getting creepier and creepier....i feel a little bit violated in the sense that she knows where i live, work, what i drive etc. I can deal with that but what worries me even more is that she is 100% responsible for raising 3 children. Surely this type of obsessive psychotic behavior is not a good atmosphere for young influential children.

Anyone any advice?

I think you should take a step back and be a bit more objective.

You are going out with the fella for four months, he cheated on his wife and then left her for you. That's as much as you know about what actually went on. I'd just remember that and I would stay well clear of claiming you know what is or is not a good atmosphere for young children, I'd make a guess that a cheating father who walks out on them for another woman is hardly top of the list either, throwing stones and glass houses & all that.

Take it slow and leave the family business to him for now, would be my advice, best of luck.

Wagon

JohnnyCrash wrote: »

And do you think that just because "this man had an affair",he should just sign over just like that?

He had the affair and fúcked his marraige out the window. He's a father of 3 kids as well so they are obviously part of this too. So maybe he should sign the house over. Seems only fair.

LegacyUser

Clarification wrote: »

Im not suggesting anything,i dont know the full ins and outs of the situation. Im assuming you're female,could be wrong.If i am,i apologise in advance.It seems to me that when these types of situations arise,the injured party seems to think they have all the rights,hold all the cards etc....Like other posters have said,theres 2 sides to every story,but from what i can see,everyones jumping to the defence of the woman! And it is true what they say "Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned"

Yes, the injured party should have all the rights, the injured party being his children, why should they have to be uprooted just because Daddy couldn't keep it in his trousers. People are jumping to the "wifes" defence because the OP is slating her parenting skills and cribbing about the family home, which have SFA to do with her. Yes I am female, but what has that to do with the price of sausages.

lynsalot

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear whats happening here, and I feel that perhaps the focus is going a little off topic about your boyfriends rights regarding his ex wife. Unfortunately he has a past and with that comes baggage. His ex wife is bound to feel isolated and hard done by. Why not make your facebook private and that will stop her looking at your page. She'll soon get bored if she can't read or see anything.

Ok so you're head over heels and moving quickly... nothing wrong there per se if you're 100% comfortable with it. I did it myself but it didn't work out for me. Given the history involved it might be best to look at this objectively... however hard.

You should step back and let your boyfriend handle his situation alone... support him but don't get involved. It doesn't involve you however hard it is to sit by. His ex wife is entitled to half of what he has and vice versa and with kids involved it makes it very complicated. I know it's hard to do this but thats the baggage this man came with when you met him. Of course, once the divorce is settled she has no right to harass you, but given the curse of the modern world (Social networking sites) its very easy for ppl to nose about where they're not welcome. Definitely make ur profile private. Ignore her as best you can. She should not be acting so immaturely texting your boyfriend with horrible remarks about you. It's not fair but once you keep your distance, you will know that u acted responsibly. put it this way... if when everything is settled and done and dusted and she continues this or gets worse, and u may even report her, you'll be able to show that u didn't retalliate or instigate her behaviour. It's very difficult to be happy in a new relationship with your boyfriends past causing so many issues. Make sure you don't let it ruin your relationship... Once again, it is in his past but must be sorted out. Support him but if it was me I wouldn't get involved.

Hope that helped and best of luck with your new place. I hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

confusedmuch wrote: »

Yes, the injured party should have all the rights, the injured party being his children, why should they have to be uprooted just because Daddy couldn't keep it in his trousers. People are jumping to the "wifes" defence because the OP is slating her parenting skills and cribbing about the family home, which have SFA to do with her. Yes I am female, but what has that to do with the price of sausages.

Because only a woman could come up with a reply like that! Nobodys talking about uprooting anybody. How do we know that his "wife" wasnt,isnt the biggest psycho on the planet? And having SFA, as you so delicately put it,to do with the OP
,whilst that maybe true,she has everything to do with him,her new partner.Maybe she is just honestly concerned for him and his kids,doesnt want to see him being "bullied" into making snap decisions,doesnt want the kids to hear things they shouldnt(believe me,they do!).Alls im saying is,that from where im standing,the OP and her partner are not being given the benefit of the doubt

JohnnyCrash

lynsalot wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear whats happening here, and I feel that perhaps the focus is going a little off topic about your boyfriends rights regarding his ex wife. Unfortunately he has a past and with that comes baggage. His ex wife is bound to feel isolated and hard done by. Why not make your facebook private and that will stop her looking at your page. She'll soon get bored if she can't read or see anything.

Ok so you're head over heels and moving quickly... nothing wrong there per se if you're 100% comfortable with it. I did it myself but it didn't work out for me. Given the history involved it might be best to look at this objectively... however hard.

You should step back and let your boyfriend handle his situation alone... support him but don't get involved. It doesn't involve you however hard it is to sit by. His ex wife is entitled to half of what he has and vice versa and with kids involved it makes it very complicated. I know it's hard to do this but thats the baggage this man came with when you met him. Of course, once the divorce is settled she has no right to harass you, but given the curse of the modern world (Social networking sites) its very easy for ppl to nose about where they're not welcome. Definitely make ur profile private. Ignore her as best you can. She should not be acting so immaturely texting your boyfriend with horrible remarks about you. It's not fair but once you keep your distance, you will know that u acted responsibly. put it this way... if when everything is settled and done and dusted and she continues this or gets worse, and u may even report her, you'll be able to show that u didn't retalliate or instigate her behaviour. It's very difficult to be happy in a new relationship with your boyfriends past causing so many issues. Make sure you don't let it ruin your relationship... Once again, it is in his past but must be sorted out. Support him but if it was me I wouldn't get involved.

Hope that helped and best of luck with your new place. I hope it works out for you.

+1 A bit of rationale at last!

Barracudaincork

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think you should take a step back and be a bit more objective.

You are going out with the fella for four months, he cheated on his wife and then left her for you. That's as much as you know about what actually went on. I'd just remember that and I would stay well clear of claiming you know what is or is not a good atmosphere for young children, I'd make a guess that a cheating father who walks out on them for another woman is hardly top of the list either, throwing stones and glass houses & all that.

Take it slow and leave the family business to him for now, would be my advice, best of luck.

He didnt leave his wife for the OP, he had the affair two years before he met the OP. He was seperated and living in the same house as the wife when he met the OP, huge difference!

LegacyUser

confusedmuch wrote: »

Yes, the injured party should have all the rights, the injured party being his children, why should they have to be uprooted just because Daddy couldn't keep it in his trousers. People are jumping to the "wifes" defence because the OP is slating her parenting skills and cribbing about the family home, which have SFA to do with her. Yes I am female, but what has that to do with the price of sausages.

Agree completely with you - this story has no winners as far as I can see. The guy runs around behind his wife's back two years ago [this is the father of two young children] then "claims" that he and his family are living separately but in the same house , yeah, right. With his record for honesty I would take that with the proverbial grain of salt. This guy has had two kids with this wife and all he apparently can think about is getting his kicks and getting into someone's else knickers. Throw the bum out.

The OP is very naive if she thinks that he has the making of a sound, faithful, truthful husband/partner - ever. He's a cheat. End of.

dudara

Posters, enough about what kind of relationship material this man is. Please stick to the original topic.

dudara

LegacyUser

Well, the OP said that the wife is losing the plot and I don't suppose for a moment that this is happening in a vacuum. If she is losing the plot I think her husband's behaviour is contributing hugely to it and hence a discussion re his "personality" and him as a major contributing factor should be taken into account. Especially as the OP seems to think that he is above it all and the wife is just losing it because of - what?

My two bits anyway.

Ickle Magoo

Barracudaincork wrote: »

He didnt leave his wife for the OP, he had the affair two years before he met the OP. He was seperated and living in the same house as the wife when he met the OP, huge difference!

He left the marital home for the OP, we actually have no idea of what actually happened/was happening beyond that...

LegacyUser

JustSaying... wrote: »

Well, the OP said that the wife is losing the plot and I don't suppose for a moment that this is happening in a vacuum. If she is losing the plot I think her husband's behaviour is contributing hugely to it and hence a discussion re his "personality" and him as a major contributing factor should be taken into account. Especially as the OP seems to think that he is above it all and the wife is just losing it because of - what?

My two bits anyway.

Take it from someone who was in a very similar situation,its not fair to assume this guys personality is contributing.Neither you nor i know the full circumstances. To ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. I went through all the proper channels,was very cool and level headed about the whole thing. Never took the bait,never rose to any antagonism.My x OH still lost the plot,did everything in her power to make life difficult. I just kept my head down,did what i had to do,did it in the proper way and i think,that in itself made her worse,probably a defence thing because she knew she didnt pull all the strings,didnt wield all the power.

metrovelvet

I havent read the replies. If you are on public fora and self advertising places like facebook then you have put yourself out there publically. Secondly, she is bound to be curious about her kids stepmother. Just wait til the sleepovers start. Do keep us posted. I'd love to offer odds on this one. But then again it doesnt take a crystal ball.

Barracudaincork

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

He left the marital home for the OP, we actually have no idea of what actually happened/was happening beyond that...

True, i am going by what the OP said, however the post i was referring to above wasnt going by anything other than what they thought, which is why i clarified it etc

Ickle Magoo

Barracudaincork wrote: »

True, i am going by what the OP said, however the post i was referring to above wasnt going by anything other than what they thought, which is why i clarified it etc

You were correcting me and stating things as fact that you have no way of knowing to be true and in light of both the partners behaviour and the wifes reaction, I would be highly sceptical of, tbh.

Barracudaincork

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You were correcting me and stating things as fact that you have no way of knowing to be true and in light of both the partners behaviour and the wifes reaction, I would be highly sceptical of, tbh.

Look Ickle Magoo i know what you mean, but this is so going off topic and i was just reiterating what the OP said, of course i have no more an idea what happened no more than you, i do admit that and trust me i was only reiterating what the op said etc...........

LegacyUser

To sum it all up here,it seems to be the general consensus that the OP should take a back seat. Whereas, she shouldnt get directly involved in the marital or ex marital goings on of her partner,she can and should,none the less,support him in every other way she can. Its a very stressful and delicate time on everyone.Im reckoning that,since the OP is only with her new partner a few months,there has not been any moderation,separation agreement,talks of any sort yet etc...I stand to be corrected.Until such a time comes,she'll have to face the fact that there will be a lot more bitterness to come,people deal with things in different ways.Over time,things will get easier,but it will be trying times.It can make them or break them,will be a good test to see how strongly they feel about going down the path they've chosen.This is not advice,only my opinion,from someone whos been there and came out the other side.Best of luck to the OP,hopefully all goes well in the future,chin up.