Opinions?

Outburst

Next, Please.


Next followed by please. The words most often uttered by me. The worn staccato 's' of a tired typewriter, abrading the wits of the writer to be. Usually a harbinger of the unknown, bearing dawn challenges. But not on this occasion. Nor on any other, every other Tuesday morning at 9:15, for almost the last three years.
The practice door opened, delivering to my audience the words 'Mr Devaney', the jack-in-the-box finale to a sentence which almost certainly began with 'You can go in now'. Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading the small tentative steps of man who has just realised he is standing in a minefield, and more essentially, that a minute amount of misplaced pressure could bring about his immediate and utter destruction.
Jim sat down, although not before he carefully inspected the seat. He didn't greet me. I followed his dead gaze, which passed unobtrusively through an imaginary point around three inches above my head, before pummelling the bare, yet tastefully appointed mahogany wall behind me.
“Jim?”, I offered.
“Doctor”, he responded.
As I have already suggested, Mr Devaney became a patient of mine almost three years ago, and has proceeded to visit my practice bi-monthly since. Every second Tuesday, at the ordained from on high time of 9.15 am. Sometimes he would talk, other times, remain silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. Once I actually believe he was sick, removed from the full glory of his character by a mild case of the flu.
Jim, who is now in his early thirties, had apparently in his youth been some type of Wunderkind, an adept in maths, or computers, or some such black art. In his late teens, he was picked out by an invisible hand and departed to work for an unknown company.
No-one really knows to whence his exodus took him, as presumption led us, the hardy stock of the township, to surmise it to be some heavily fortified economic stronghold such as London or New York, with their impressive concrete bastions and weekly whirligig carnivals, each celestial ball host to a pristine mob, on which the amber city glow dares not fall. I digress.
At some point, things started to go awry for Jim. The nature of the problem, although speculated upon heavily, remains unknown. All that can be said is that the topic is a firm favourite in the local conversational canon, bobbing up now and then like a battered cart on a ferris wheel, occasionally displacing from pole position more experienced contenders, such as the the weather, or the general state of things. A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested, a sort of Buddha with a nervous condition.

A short passage from a short story. Criticism/observations welcome.

pickarooney

So you're a doctor and a hypohondriac walks in... the rest is really just so much waffle. I think you need to thin out the padding and move the story, whatever it is on a bit quicker as this would not hold my interest for very long. YMMV.

Outburst

Thanks, I'll take out the scissors and have a look over it.

The visitor isn't really a hypochondriac, more like a person who has become broken as a result of his interactions which the world. Maybe a little like Septimus Smith.

One of the things i'm trying to do is use the doctor's language to puncture his character.

EileenG

It's not obvious from the text.

My feeling (sorry, I think this will hurt) is that you are too busy being "literary" to just get on with telling the story. I'd rather have a proper description of Jim than hear about the S sound in "Next please". Also, you spend a lot of time using the passive voice which I find irritating, it's as if you are lecturing me, rather than telling a story.

Outburst

I put it up to get opinions, you are giving opinions.

I'm trying (evidently with limited success) to write in style which is a little different.

I can see that some of the sentences aren't necessary, but I still think using every sentence to drive the story, without observation or description i.e. 'Jim, a slightly disturbed man walked into a doctors practice' makes for equally unconvincing reading. I guess it's going to be about finding a happy medium.

Thanks for comments, I'll get to writing another draft and post it when I'm done.

EileenG

Don't try to "write in a style". Just try to write and tell a damn good story. Your own unique style will evolve naturally.

Personally, I wouldn't say "Jim, a slightly disturbed man, walked in". I'd say something like "Jim walked in. He walked with short tentative steps as though he was afraid of a misplaced step. His shoulders dropped and he refused to meet my eyes, instead staring at a point inches above my head....." Describe the character and let the reader draw her own conclusions.

Stick with the characters in your story, don't wander off into what people talk about in the pub, but if you must, don't start comparing pub chat to a ferris wheel.

pickarooney

I hate to stick the boot in, but it took me a good while to understand that 'practice door' meant the door of a doctor's surgery. I was quite confused as to what it meant. And the passive voice really grated, along with the narrator's own description of himself as though he were observing himself... I'll wait for another draft

Outburst

I've cut the passage down to around 2/3 of its original length. I've eliminated the passive voice in some places. *Takes cover*



Next, please. The words most often uttered by me. A harbinger of the unknown, bearing dawn challenges. But not on this occasion. Nor on any other, every other Tuesday morning at 9:15 am, for almost the last two years.
I caught the words 'Mr Devaney', the jack-in-the-box finale to a sentence which almost certainly began with 'You can go in now'. On cue, Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading his usual small and cautious steps.
Jim, a small man in his early thirties, inspected the seat and then sat down. He didn't greet me. I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head.
“Jim?”, I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.
“Doctor”, he responded.
Sometimes Jim talked during his appointments, other times he remained silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. I actually believe he was sick once or twice, removed from the full glory of his character by a mild case of the flu.
Jim was a precocious youth, an adept in maths and computers. In his late teens, he was picked out by an invisible hand and departed to work for an unknown company.
No-one really knows to whence his exodus took him, as presumption led us, the hardy stock of the township, to surmise it to be some fortified economic stronghold such as London or New York. At some point in his employment, things started to go awry for Jim. The nature of his problem, although speculated upon heavily, remains unknown. A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested, a sort of Buddha with a nervous condition.

pickarooney

Next, please. The words most often uttered by me. A harbinger of the unknown, bearing dawn challenges. But not on this occasion. Nor on any other, every other Tuesday morning at 9:15 am, for almost the last two years.

Sorry to be blunt, but this is just incomprehensible. What are you trying to say and why can't you just say it clearly? In general, hafalutin' language only works in humorous langauge, I find, and at that only when it's done very well. Otherwise it just sounds pretentious.

This, for example:

No-one really knows to whence his exodus took him, as presumption led us, the hardy stock of the township, to surmise it to be some fortified economic stronghold such as London or New York.

Is there any need to express this this way? What's to be gained from obfuscating your point?

The bit in between is much better for being clear and fluid.

Outburst

Being blunt is fine, better than saying "that's great" etc.

My problem is largely that I'm writing and not getting opinions on it, so I countinue writing in the same way.

Thanks for taking the time, I'll have a look at those passages.

EileenG

Outburst wrote: »

Next, please.
I caught the words 'Mr Devaney, You can go in now'. On cue, Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading his usual small and cautious steps.
Jim, a small man in his early thirties, inspected the seat and then sat down. He didn't greet me. I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head.
“Jim?”, I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.
“Doctor”, he responded.
Sometimes Jim talked during his appointments, other times he remained silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. I actually believe he was sick once or twice, removed by a mild case of the flu.
Jim had been a precocious youth, an adept in maths and computers. In his late teens, he had been picked out and departed to work for an unknown company, in London or New York or somewhere like that. No-one knew exactly.
At some point in his employment, things started to go awry for Jim. The nature of his problem remains unknown.

I cut out the bits I hated, left the bits I liked. What do you think?

pickarooney

I still think 'practice door' is just strange. I actually don't think 'practice' refers to the physical building of a doctor's surgery - it's the buisness itself, a more abstract noun.

I could be wrong or overly picky.

Intothesea

Hello there. I think you've had useful advice already but would like to reiterate the idea of restricting your use of the passive voice -- even though it's a good way to introduce varying levels of complexity directly. Try to mix it up but statistically lean (a lot) more towards direct statement and action. You want to colour and shade inside a basic active outline with a more nuanced (subtle adjectives, nicely co-incident speech, non-explanatory reference to symbols etc.) portrait of direct physical and inner reality. I think your ideas and the connections you've made are good and interesting within themselves -- but I think they're written more as a type of poetry and totally mess up the run of the text. Eileen has the parts that move well, nailed. Forcing your ideas out of the passive should shake up your writing skills. G'luck

Outburst

pickarooney wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt, but this is just incomprehensible. What are you trying to say and why can't you just say it clearly? In general, hafalutin' language only works in humorous langauge, I find, and at that only when it's done very well. Otherwise it just sounds pretentious.

The doctor is an incredibly flawed character. Not only does he share the flaws of his patients, but he is also pretentious and materialistic. I realize that my attempts to portray this were excessive, but I would like to give the reader a sense of this through the language he uses, hopefully without causing too much confusion or frustration.

pickarooney

I wonder is it wise to use an inherently dislikable character as the narrator's voice. I mean, there's no reason not to, in theory, but you may find yourself walking a fine line between making the doctor come across as pretentious and sounding it yourself.

EileenG

Outburst wrote: »

The doctor is an incredibly flawed character. Not only does he share the flaws of his patients, but he is also pretentious and materialistic. I realize that my attempts to portray this were excessive, but I would like to give the reader a sense of this through the language he uses, hopefully without causing too much confusion or frustration.

In that case, I'd stick to letting him sound condescending while talking to his receptionist and patients. Don't overdo it. No-one thinks of himself as the bad guy, or as being conceited or pretentious. We all like to think that we have it right, it's the rest of the world that is out of step.

coldwood92

post more of the storyplease

Outburst

My 3 connect has been down for a week, will do when i get it back running again.

coldwood92

cheers

Outburst

Next, please.

I caught the words 'Mr Devaney', the jack-in-the-box finale to a sentence which almost certainly began with 'You can go in now'. On cue, Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading his usual small and cautious steps.
Jim, a small man in his early thirties, inspected the seat and then sat down. He didn't greet me. I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head.

“Jim?”, I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.
“Doctor”, he responded.

Jim had adopted the unusual habit of visiting my practice every second Tuesday, at the divinely ordained time of 9.15 am. Sometimes Jim would talk, other times he remained silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. I believe he was sick once or twice, removed from the full glory of his character by a mild case of the flu.
Jim was once a precocious youth, an adept in maths and computers. In his late teens, he was picked out by an invisible hand and departed to work for an unknown company.
No-one really knew where his employment took him, but it was assumed to be an economic stronghold, such as London or New York. Later on, things started to go awry for Jim. The nature of his problem, although speculated upon heavily, remains unknown. A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested.


Without supplying notice, my premier patient lunged forward and grabbed four pens. His eyes danced wildly, following the erratic movements of an unseen hummingbird. He began to arrange the pens into a neat square. One of the pens happened to be of different length.
Jim quickly located another pen of approximately the same length, however, it was red rather than blue, a fact which seemed to heighten his angst. Regardless, he formed the pens into a perfect square, which I noticed ran perfectly parallel and perpendicular to the edges of my desk.

He looked directly into my eyes and said, almost indifferently, “You know they even put grass in cages”, as he scattered the pens to the floor.

Society's rules of engagement were mysterious to Jim; drifting impossibly before his eyes like ghostly ciphers. I pondered what particular scene he was witnessing.
Centre stage, a respectable, athletic, and not-quite-middle-aged looking man is sitting behind a venerable mahogany desk (I was forty-five this year, but most often people guess my age at thirty-seven). Another enduring mystery resolved.

A more edited version with a little more of the story. Comments/Criticism welcome!

ToasterSparks

Outburst wrote: »

Next, please.

I caught the words 'Mr Devaney', the jack-in-the-box finale to a sentence which almost certainly began with 'You can go in now'. On cue, Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading his usual small and cautious steps.
Jim, a small man in his early thirties, inspected the seat and then sat down. He didn't greet me. I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head.

“Jim?”, I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.
“Doctor”, he responded.

Jim had adopted the unusual habit of visiting my practice every second Tuesday, at the divinely ordained time of 9.15 am. Sometimes Jim would talk, other times he remained silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. I believe he was sick once or twice, removed from the full glory of his character by a mild case of the flu.
Jim was once a precocious youth, an adept in maths and computers. In his late teens, he was picked out by an invisible hand and departed to work for an unknown company.
No-one really where his employment took him, but it was assumed to be an economic stronghold, such as London or New York. Later on, things started to go awry for Jim. The nature of his problem, although speculated upon heavily, remains unknown. A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested.


Without supplying notice, my premier patient lunged forward and grabbed four pens. His eyes danced wildly, following the erratic movements of an unseen hummingbird. He began to arrange the pens into a neat square. One of the pens happened to be of different length.
Jim quickly located another pen of approximately the same length, however, it was red rather than blue, a fact which seemed to heighten his angst. Regardless, he formed the pens into a perfect square, which I noticed ran perfectly parallel and perpendicular to the edges of my desk.

He looked directly into my eyes and said, almost indifferently, “You know they even put grass in cages”, as he scattered the pens to the floor.

Society's rules of engagement were mysterious to Jim; drifting impossibly before his eyes like ghostly ciphers. I pondered what particular scene he was witnessing.
Centre stage, a respectable, athletic, and not-quite-middle-aged looking man is sitting behind a venerable mahogany desk (I was forty-five this year, but most often people guess my age at thirty-seven). Another enduring mystery resolved.

A more edited version with a little more of the story. Comments/Criticism welcome!

Firstly, and I know it's not what you want opinions on - but you have to get basic grammar and dialogue correct. Quotations lie outside what's being said, and that includes full stops, question marks, and commas. As a rule, if you've punctuation marks directly after a quotation mark in dialogue, it's probably out of place.


For example:

____________

“Jim?”, I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.

should be

"Jim?" I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.

____________

“Doctor”, he responded.

should be

"Doctor," he responded.

____________


As regards the story, I'm finding it really difficult to keep following what's going on. You mentioned in earlier posts that you are trying to write in a certain style, and I feel that you are focusing more on the style of your writing than the story. As another poster has said - tell your story. Sit down, and think about this doctor you're channeling. Who is he? What does he like or dislike? Know him. And then tell the story you want to tell.

At times you tell the story as the doc, then we drift into background stories. At the risk of you hating me, the old adage 'show don't tell' comes to mind. The story should unfold naturally. There definitely shouldn't be a paragraph where the doctor imagines what the patient is seeing behind the desk - to me it suggests the writer was stuck for a way to describe the main character. Unless the patient is seeing something plot-important. But then the doctor probably wouldn't know as we're telling the story from his POV.

Whatever your story is, work it out and see if you can have a better intro. Readers decide whether or not to read on after reading the first page. When I'm in a bookshop, the opening lines are sometimes all I read when determining if I'd like a book/story or not. People want a story to be engaging, not full of background information. Weave the necessary information into the story, but don't try to dump character biographies into the first few paragraphs. Part of the fun is learning about the characters as the story unfolds.

pickarooney

ToasterSparks wrote: »

“Doctor”, he responded.

should be

"Doctor," he responded.

No, it shouldn't. Your example is non-standard for this part of the world.

ToasterSparks

Really? Then my apologies, it's how I would write it, and how I'd have seen it written on many on occasion. What's the correct way?

Outburst

“Doctor”, he responded.

should be

"Doctor," he responded.

should be

"Doctor" he responded

I think there is an error here. The comma should be used before direct speech, not after. Any takers?

Outburst

ToasterSparks wrote: »

At times you tell the story as the doc, then we drift into background stories. At the risk of you hating me, the old adage 'show don't tell' comes to mind. The story should unfold naturally. There definitely shouldn't be a paragraph where the doctor imagines what the patient is seeing behind the desk - to me it suggests the writer was stuck for a way to describe the main character. Unless the patient is seeing something plot-important. But then the doctor probably wouldn't know as we're telling the story from his POV.

Whatever your story is, work it out and see if you can have a better intro. Readers decide whether or not to read on after reading the first page. When I'm in a bookshop, the opening lines are sometimes all I read when determining if I'd like a book/story or not. People want a story to be engaging, not full of background information. Weave the necessary information into the story, but don't try to dump character biographies into the first few paragraphs. Part of the fun is learning about the characters as the story unfolds.

Thanks for your detailed comments. It's a short story and Jim will disappear within the next few hundred words. I don't think it's an excessive amount of backstory, and it seems quite natural that a doctor would think about a patient's past during an appointment. I'll have a look at weaving it through the story a bit more, or placing it later on in the text. Any takers on the way the description of the doc is done?

EileenG

If Jim is going to disappear, why does he need a backstory at all? It's enough to talk about the weird patient who turns up every second Tuesday and has a fetish for pens etc. There is no need at all for his history. I has assumed from the details you gave that the story was actually about Jim, the doctor was just a sort of fly-on-the-wall viewpoint character.

A decapitated arrow is a stick. It doesn't go anywhere, never mind towards a mark and back again.

If the doctor is your main character, give less about Jim and his backstory, and more about how the doctor reacts to him. Does he consider that Jim is wasting his time, or does he think this is easy money? You could show the doctor with some other patient, perhaps an obese woman who he considers is responsible for her own bad health, so he had no patience with her. How does he react to his receptionist? In fact, how does he feel about being a GP at all?

As for the doctor's description (what is his name, by the way?) you could have him checking his hands during the examination, doing a quick suck-in of his gut (not bad for a 45 year old guy, most people take him for 37, and so they should with all the squash/skiing/golf he plays, not to mention what he pays for his clothes in Louis Copeland....)

The doctors I know don't think about the patient's history at all. They take a quick look at the notes, a quick look at the patient, maybe listen with half an ear to the list of symptoms (they know what's coming), and are busy thinking about what time they might get finished tonight, will they have time to get to the gym so they have some chance of surviving the family ski holiday, and did they remember to give the receipts for the car maintenance to the accountant for the tax return?

ToasterSparks

Yep, what EileenG said.

I assumed that the patient was very important to the story. Don't fill the story with unnecessary info on him if he's a passing entity. Mention his hypochondria and move on. If his purpose is to reveal more about the doc, then give the doc's opinion.

He won't be thinking about Jim's past. He'll be thinking about how much time he has wasted with the patient unnecessarily, or how he reminds him of his annoying uncle, or how he needs to mow the lawn when he gets home (after the ''You know they even put grass in cages'' remark). Don't confuse what the doc is thinking with what the reader might be thinking.

dcmu

pickarooney wrote: »

No, it shouldn't. Your example is non-standard for this part of the world.

ToasterSparks is right. The punctuation always falls within the quotations. Have a flick through your bookshelf if you're not sure.

What typically is used in this part of the world is the single quotation ('this'), as opposed to the double ("this"). Otherwise toastersparks is spot on, I'm afraid.

dcmu

Outburst wrote: »

“Doctor”, he responded.

should be

"Doctor," he responded.

should be

"Doctor" he responded

I think there is an error here. The comma should be used before direct speech, not after. Any takers?

The middle one is correct.

MikeC101

dcmu wrote: »

ToasterSparks is right. The punctuation always falls within the quotations. Have a flick through your bookshelf if you're not sure.

What typically is used in this part of the world is the single quotation ('this'), as opposed to the double ("this"). Otherwise toastersparks is spot on, I'm afraid.

This is my understanding of it also - I don't ever recall seeing otherwise.

The use of single versus double quotations marks is something that varies between countries.

pickarooney

dcmu wrote: »

The middle one is correct.

All three are correct; none of them is incorrect. The English forum is probably more suited to specific puntuation discussions though.

ToasterSparks

pickarooney wrote: »

All three are correct; none of them is incorrect. The English forum is probably more suited to specific puntuation discussions though.

I'm sorry but there is no way (in dialogue) that a quotation mark followed by a comma ( "xyz", he said ) is correct.

If you were commenting on the use of double quotations over single quotations, then yes, that's different in different regions, although both are correct and single quotations are becoming more common (and easier to use keyboard-wise!).

I don't see why this should be discussed in another forum - a key part of Creative Writing is proper grammar and easy-flowing dialogue. Perhaps it should be a separate topic, yes, but still in this forum.

I think it's important to clear this up properly, for everyone's benefit.

pickarooney

ToasterSparks wrote: »

I'm sorry but there is no way (in dialogue) that a quotation mark followed by a comma ( "xyz", he said ) is correct.

Funny, in post #23 you weren't so certain.

Read any book or article which compares American/British or logical/conventional punctuation styles and you'll see that all three methods of punctuating dialogue are used and accepted.

The Oxford Guide to Style, for example, gives the comma-outside-quotes format as the standard for Oxford University Press publications.

ToasterSparks

Actually, I thought you were referring to the comma. I thought maybe that I needed to use a full stop instead in that instance - as in "Doctor." he said instead of "Doctor," he said. But I checked that out myself and I know it's a comma that needs to used.

I was referring to quotation marks in dialogue (read my post again, I specifically stated this). When quoting a word or phrase outside of dialogue, obviously the comma is outside the quotes. When thinking something, this is not speech dialogue, and commas are outside quotation marks.

But I am now 100% I am correct. Maybe you should re-read the Oxford rules again.

pickarooney

ToasterSparks wrote: »

But I am now 100% I am correct. Maybe you should re-read the Oxford rules again.

So you read the link I gave you, where it says:

Quotation marks, also called 'inverted commas', are of two types: single and double. British practice is normally to enclose quoted matter between single quotation marks, and to use double quotation marks for a quotation within a quotation: 'Have you any idea', he said, 'what "dillygrout" is?'
This is the preferred OUP practice for academic books.

and you're 100% that this is wrong?

Fair enough, there's no point in arguing beyond that. The OP has enough to go on, in any case.

ToasterSparks

We'll agree to disagree. We mustn't allow our difference of opinion to override Outburst's need for opinions on his piece.

pickarooney

I think it's safe to say you can dump this bit with no adverse effect on the narrative:

Jim was once a precocious youth, an adept in maths and computers. In his late teens, he was picked out by an invisible hand and departed to work for an unknown company.
No-one really knew where his employment took him, but it was assumed to be an economic stronghold, such as London or New York. Later on, things started to go awry for Jim. The nature of his problem, although speculated upon heavily, remains unknown. A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested.

If you're attached to it, rework it as the doctor's presumption, a Holmesian deduction based on what little evidence he has to go on. A ludicrous extrapolation would show more instight into the Doctor's character than an irrelevant statement of fact.

dcmu

pickarooney wrote: »

Funny, in post #23 you weren't so certain.

Read any book or article which compares American/British or logical/conventional punctuation styles and you'll see that all three methods of punctuating dialogue are used and accepted.

The Oxford Guide to Style, for example, gives the comma-outside-quotes format as the standard for Oxford University Press publications.

The example you chose, Pickarooney, refers to the type of quotation marks used, and not the punctuation.

Quotation marks, also called 'inverted commas', are of two types: single and double. British practice is normally to enclose quoted matter between single quotation marks, and to use double quotation marks for a quotation within a quotation: 'Have you any idea', he said, 'what "dillygrout" is?'

I've never seen an example, in literature, of the above form of punctuation. Perhaps if you can cite me an example I'll reconsider.

Either way, telling ToasterSparks he was wrong was, well, wrong.

Outburst

Next, Please.


Next, please.
I caught the words 'Mr. Devaney,' the jack-in-the-box finale to a sentence which almost certainly began with 'You can go in now'. On cue, Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading his usual small and cautious steps.
Jim, a small man in his early thirties, inspected the seat and then sat down. He didn't greet me. I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head.
'Jim?' I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.
'Doctor,' he responded.
Jim had adopted the unusual habit of visiting my practice every second Tuesday, at the divinely ordained time of 9.15 am. Sometimes Jim would talk, other times he remained silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. I believe he was sick once or twice, removed from the full glory of his character by a mild case of the flu.
It has often been said that in his youth, Jim showed an incredible aptitude for maths and computers. Still only in his late teens, he was singled out by an invisible hand and went to work for a London stock-broking company. I am led to assume that at some point of his employment, Jim began to crack and deteriorate, his future darkening under vast monolithic displays of unceasing numbers, endless predictions and calculations. A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested.


Without supplying notice, my premier patient lunged forward and grabbed four pens. His eyes danced wildly, as if following the erratic movements of an unseen hummingbird. He began to arrange the pens into a neat square. One of the pens happened to be of different length.
Jim quickly located another pen of approximately the same length, however, it was red rather than blue, a fact which seemed to heighten his angst. Regardless, he formed the pens into a perfect square, which I noticed ran perfectly parallel and perpendicular to the edges of my desk.
He looked directly into my eyes and said, almost indifferently, 'You know they even put grass in cages' as he scattered the pens to the floor.
Jim Devaney was a stranger to society's rule of engagement; they drifted impossibly before his eyes like ghostly ciphers. I pondered what particular scene he was witnessing.
Centre stage, a respectable, athletic, and not-quite-middle-aged looking man sits behind an aged mahogany desk.

Comments welcome

EileenG

I too think you should drop all Jim's backstory. At the very MOST, mention that as a youth, Jim had a talent for numbers, went to London, and returned unemployed and odd. Please lose the decapitated arrow. Anything that you think is clever is probably going to annoy half your readers.

I would also not have the doctor "follow" his dead gaze, which would involve looking above and behind him. It's enough to note that his gave went over the doctor's head.

Don't "ponder", instead you can "wonder" or "guess". Pondering means something different.

The last line about the doctor, though a good description, is out of context. You need a lead in.

Outburst

Ok, I will have another look at it. What do you mean by a lead in? Something to justify the description of the doctor?

EileenG

Yes. Maybe have some interaction with the receptionist who he considers a fat cow with a culchie accent, which he contrasts with his own cultured, athletic appearance?

Just as a matter of interest, how does the story develop? It's about the doctor, right? Where does it go?

Outburst

EileenG wrote: »

Yes. Maybe have some interaction with the receptionist who he considers a fat cow with a culchie accent, which he contrasts with his own cultured, athletic appearance?

Just as a matter of interest, how does the story develop? It's about the doctor, right? Where does it go?

It's running at around 2000 words. Basically it takes place in the space of 1 hour in the doctor's practice. Two patients visit the doctor and he advises them on a course of action. Through the doctor's interactions it is shown that he suffers from the same problems as his patients. The idea being that our ability to give advice exceeds our ability to follow it.

EileenG

You mean like the fat doctor that tells you to go on a diet? Plenty of those about!

pickarooney

Or people who tell you to cut out all the unnecessary bits while sitting on 800 pages of bumf.

Outburst

I'm guessing it might be a fairly general tendency.

There may be too many surreal(perhaps unbelieveable) elements in the story, but that's the way it came together. Jim has obsessive-compulsive disorder in addition to more severe problems brought on by a combination of work related stress, his sensitive nature and tendency to obsess on the problems and injustices of the world. I definitely didn't take the smartest route with the second character to visit, but maybe it will work.

Outburst

Next, Please.


'Next, please.'
In response, I caught the words 'Mr. Devaney', the jack-in-the-box finale to a sentence which almost certainly began with 'You can go in now,'. On cue, Jim Devaney shambled through the practice door, shoulders stooped in the usual fashion, treading his signature small and cautious steps.
Jim, a small man in his early thirties, inspected the seat and then sat down. He didn't greet me. My head tilted upwards as I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head.
'Jim?' I offered, my head still inclined slightly upwards.
'Doctor.' he responded.
Jim had adopted the unusual habit of visiting my practice every second Tuesday, at the divinely ordained time of 9.15 am. Sometimes Jim would talk, other times he remained silent; on occasion he would invent a fictitious illness to justify his visit. I believe he was sick once or twice, removed from the full glory of his character by a mild case of the flu. While still only in his late teens, he was singled out by an invisible hand and went to work for a London stock-broking company. I assume that under vast monolithic displays which belched unceasing streams of numbers, the cracks and stress marks snaked. (A decapitated arrow loosed towards its final mark, he returned and here he rested.)


Without supplying notice, my premier patient lunged forward and grabbed four pens. His eyes danced wildly, as if following the erratic movements of an unseen hummingbird. He began to arrange the pens into a neat square. One of the pens happened to be of different length.
Jim quickly located another pen of approximately the same length, however, it was red rather than blue, a fact which seemed to heighten his angst. Regardless, he formed the pens into a perfect square which, I noticed, ran perfectly parallel and perpendicular to the edges of my desk.
He looked directly into my eyes and said, almost indifferently, 'You know they even put grass in cages' as he scattered the pens to the floor.
Jim Devaney was an outsider, a crippled pariah; society's rules of engagement drifted impossibly before his eyes like ghostly ciphers. As we sat there mute, boredom emerged from its nearby hiding places. My first line of defense was to conjure the scene Jim was witnessing. Centre stage, a respectable, athletic, and not-quite-middle-aged looking man sits behind an aged mahogany desk.


*****


A deep purple landscape, devoid of notable physical features rapidly elevates to a neurotic cherry-blossom pink, before once more descending. Each new cycle peaks with a slightly less comprehensible shade, each variant somehow more threatening than its forbearer, each protean movement, part of some larger and infinitely more complex process, dancing merrily towards the doorstep of its own conclusion.
A tremor underfoot. A chattering sound, like that of metal limbed insects, is slight yet inescapable. Small, swirling spots of black lash back and forth like duelling dragonflies across where the sky should have been, as if trying to rub out the nauseating uniformity of the convulsing strobe lit vista.
The dirge begins to swell. As the inky blotches draw closer, their true form is revealed. Clockwork Automata, in the form of winged humans. Gold... silver... bronze. Engaged in war with their own kind for some nameless purpose.

Cut Jim's backstory considerably (now 58 words) and tried to lead in the doctor's description of himself a bit better.

pickarooney

I think you're using a toothpick where a hammer is required. You haven't changed much at all in the last couple of edits. I think you have a few sentences and turns of phrase in there that you're firmly attached to and are trying to mould the rest of the story around. I'd suggest starting afresh and doing the opposite - dump all the words and keep the idea then describe it with other words. If it's not coherent, work at the core until it is, then write it again. It's hard to force yourself to do it, but you'll honestly benefit from it.

I read the bit in italics a couple of times but I couldn't figure out what was going on or how it related to the opening bit.

EileenG

God, you do love that decapitated arrow, don't you?

Seriously, you haven't changed it nearly enough. In fact, not at all. Try out some of the changes that have been suggested, cut out the bits you love. Yes, it will hurt, but if you can honestly say at the end that it's not better, we'll shut up and leave you to it.

I've judged short story competition in the past, and as it stands now, I would not short list it. And that's even without the incomprehensible bit in italics.

LionelNashe

pickarooney wrote: »

I read the bit in italics a couple of times but I couldn't figure out what was going on or how it related to the opening bit.

Outburst wrote: »

My head tilted upwards as I followed his dead gaze, which passed through an imaginary point three inches above my head. .......... His eyes danced wildly, as if following the erratic movements of an unseen hummingbird....... My first line of defense was to conjure the scene Jim was witnessing.


*****
A chattering sound, like that of metal limbed insects........Clockwork Automata, in the form of winged humans.

Is the surreal scene what the Doctor imagines that Jim is looking at? It had an interesting dreamy feel to it but I also struggled to visualise it.

Outburst

pickarooney wrote: »

I think you're using a toothpick where a hammer is required. You haven't changed much at all in the last couple of edits. I think you have a few sentences and turns of phrase in there that you're firmly attached to and are trying to mould the rest of the story around. I'd suggest starting afresh and doing the opposite - dump all the words and keep the idea then describe it with other words. If it's not coherent, work at the core until it is, then write it again. It's hard to force yourself to do it, but you'll honestly benefit from it.

I read the bit in italics a couple of times but I couldn't figure out what was going on or how it related to the opening bit.

I'm open to criticism and greatly appreciate that someone who doesn't know me is willing to take the time to give me their opinion, but it seems that by your view, every sentence is either poorly written or somehow out of place. TBH I just want to get this story finished to a half decent standard so I can continue working on another story.

The length has been halfed from the first draft.

It's what Jim is really seeing. He's on the verge of a total meltdown. Perhaps not obvious.