Unsupportive partner

whippy

Hi there,

I'm about eight weeks pregnant and found our two weeks ago. My partner of four years isn't taking it very well. We've done not much else but fight since and said tonight he's going to leave me and he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. I know he's in shock and I'd love to be supportive but I can't. I'm just so angry at him. I've loved this baby since the moment I knew it was there but I'm really scared of doing this on my own.

Anyone go through the same thing? Any advice would really be appreciated

Thanks

johnc24

Hi Whippy

Do you mean you are only arguing a lot since he found out you were pregnant?

If so maybe it really has hit him as a huge shock. How old are you both?

I imagine a cooling off period and "thinking time" would be good for both of you right now and once all emotions and "excess energy" has been dispersed then and only then take another look at the issues.

J

whippy

thanks j

ya fighting constantly since we found out about the pregnancy.

I really hope it's just shock. I fully appreciate that he'll be slower coming to terms with it than me - I have the hormones working to my advantage!

Maybe you're right about the cooling off and I'm putting too much emphasis on it when I should be letting him come to terms with it in his own way

T-Square

Would you not ask the guy what he wants?

This baby is clearly unplanned, and from his perspective, unwanted.

Why bear the child of a man who doesn't want a child?

whippy

Because I won't have an abortion. We always agreed that if the unplanned happened that we'd cope with it. Abortion was never an option for either of us. Of course we've talked about it - we've talked about nothing else for two weeks. No method of contraception is fool proof so we had this conversation several times throughout our relationship

themysteriouson

T-Square wrote: »

Would you not ask the guy what he wants?

This baby is clearly unplanned, and from his perspective, unwanted.

Why bear the child of a man who doesn't want a child?

I dont think it is a good idea to tell a girl who obviously only found out she is pregnant that her partner does not want the child. People deal with this kind of news differently and he probably just needs some time to adjust to the idea of parenthood. It can be a major shock especially if he has a lot on he plate at the moment such as work or financial issues.

I went through something similar with my partner and now everything is great and he adores our daughter.

whippy

themysteriouson wrote: »

I went through something similar with my partner and now everything is great and he adores our daughter.

That's really good hear - maybe i just need to be a bit more gently with him. Have kinda been a weeping wailing mess - attractive!

January

T-Square wrote: »

Would you not ask the guy what he wants?

This baby is clearly unplanned, and from his perspective, unwanted.

Why bear the child of a man who doesn't want a child?

It's not as easy as asking him what he wants. Emotions are running high at this time and he could get even more defensive if she asks him a question like that. He could just be shocked. It doesn't mean he does not want the child. Different people react to these things in different ways.

whippy

Any ideas how I should deal with him then? Do I just leave him alone and give him some space - difficult as we live together. Try and talk to him? I've tried getting him to talk to someone else - a friend that has kids maybe but he's not keen

January

Give him a couple of days space. Don't mention the baby or the pregnancy. Then broach the subject again in maybe a week and see how he feels then.

themysteriouson

whippy wrote: »

Any ideas how I should deal with him then? Do I just leave him alone and give him some space - difficult as we live together. Try and talk to him? I've tried getting him to talk to someone else - a friend that has kids maybe but he's not keen

I gave him a few days to think about it. I'm not saying it was all roses when I was pregnant but he came around and apologised for all the strops and hissy fits. I think after we went for the first scan and the reality of it set in he became much more relaxed.

T-Square

themysteriouson wrote: »

I dont think it is a good idea to tell a girl who obviously only found out she is pregnant that her partner does not want the child. People deal with this kind of news differently and he probably just needs some time to adjust to the idea of parenthood. It can be a major shock especially if he has a lot on he plate at the moment such as work or financial issues.

Get real.

January

T-Square wrote: »

Get real.

You get real, this isn't Personal Issues. It's a pregnancy forum. This woman is pregnant and asking for advice on how to broach the subject of her pregnancy with her partner who seems to be taking it badly. This does not mean that he does not want the child, it does not mean he wants her to have an abortion and it does not mean he's going to run off and leave her to raise the child on her own.

T-Square

whippy wrote: »

Because I won't have an abortion. We always agreed that if the unplanned happened that we'd cope with it. Abortion was never an option for either of us. Of course we've talked about it - we've talked about nothing else for two weeks. No method of contraception is fool proof so we had this conversation several times throughout our relationship

Based upon what you say above,
the guy needs to man up and take his lumps.

He should not have been riding you,
if he wasn't prepared to stand by you when the stork arrives.

If he doesn't man up, you've got him for 18 years.

Tell him to buy a Hyundai.

T-Square

adrieanne__x wrote: »

It's not as easy as asking him what he wants. Emotions are running high at this time and he could get even more defensive if she asks him a question like that. He could just be shocked. It doesn't mean he does not want the child. Different people react to these things in different ways.

Oh yes it is.

He could just be shocked, oh for the love of God, wake up.

MagicMarker

T-Square wrote: »

He should not have been riding you

Lovely.

whippy

to be fair T - you don't know my partner or me and your remarks are childish and inconsiderate.

I don't think anyone would say that an unplanned pregnancy is a walk in the park for either parent.

Actually, you've probably done me a favour really. Your comments have made me angry and defensive of my partner and more conscious than even that he is a good man and just needs some time to come to terms with it.

I don't understand why some people go to the bother of replying to a thread if they are going to be so negative but there you go - I suppose it takes all sorts.

johnc24

whippy wrote: »

Actually, you've probably done me a favour really. Your comments have made me angry and defensive of my partner and more conscious than even that he is a good man and just needs some time to come to terms with it.

I don't understand why some people go to the bother of replying to a thread if they are going to be so negative but there you go - I suppose it takes all sorts.

All sorts make the world go around unfortunately! But I do like how he has turned your perspective of your partner for a positive for you!

In these situations folks need support.

T : Don't bother, your wasting bandwidth

J

Khannie

T-Square banned for a week.

hacked

Dear God I really hope the T person doesn't reproduce!!! :eek:

Fair play to you Whippy. You mention hormones, but you seem to have your head screwed on to me! Just give him some time, a baby is a huge huge shock and everyone reacts differently. I always thought if I got accidently pregnant I would be devastated, scared and tempted to put it up for adoption! But in reality, I had my day of panic and shock, and then I just started looking forward to the little life that was making me so ill!!

Men are different. For women, we have this little blob growing inside us, we feel different, and instictively most of us are very protective of that blob. Women turn into mothers at conception, but Men can't experience that, and for the first while it's just a concept to get their head around!

Men are quite practical too. While woman like to talk a problem out and just feel cared by being listened to, Men need to come up with soloutions to fix that problem. Even if that's not what the situation calls for! Having a baby comes with a lot of stress!

I agree with Adrieanne, don't bring up all the big scary topics now. Give it some time and space and let him come to terms with it himself. Like another poster said, he couldvery well turn to mush at the first scan or first hospital appointment!

All the best to you! xx (and congrats!)

caprilicious

Whippy congrats first of all

I'm sorry to hear that your partner isn't too supportive of you now, hopefully he will come around to the idea.

Good on you for being so positive about things and for not letting T-Squares comments get to you.
I agree with you, I don't know why people bother to vent their negative attitudes when they're evidently unwelcome. Keyboard warriors :rolleyes:

Take care of yourself, you have a busy few months ahead of you but it'll be all worth it when you have your little one

themysteriouson

T-Square wrote: »

Get real.

Like they say if you've nothing constructive to say dont say anything.

hacked

themysteriouson wrote: »

Like they say if you've nothing constructive to say dont say anything.

Actually when people like that post on boards, I'm always so interested in where they get their information and opinions. Usually ends up being some person with no experieince of the situation whatsoever.

Princessa

Hi Op,
Congratz first of all..
I went through the exact same thing with my Oh. Found out when i was 6 weeks pregnant, argued straight for about two weeks, i took a leave of absence from work and went to stay with my mam for just over a month (who lives in spain so great excuse or me.)
My Oh was totally unsupportive through my entire pregnancy, until the birth... He was fantastic, massaged my back, got me water, rubbed my hair etc.
My daughter is now 11 weeks old and he just adores her, he's a teriffic dad. we got sky sports in as he doesn't want to go out to watch the footie, he can stay in with his two girls.
I really hope it works out well for you too, now that shes here he cant even think o the "A" word that he considered during my pregnancy.
Keep us posted.

whippy

Hi all,

I just wanted to give you an update.

I took the advice and just let him be for a while. We live together so I couldn't give him that much space! I just tried to talk about other things. Politics, football, whatever! I had lots of conversations about football!

Anyway, he very slowly has started to bring it up himself and now he's much more comfortable talking about it and planning for our future. I'm still taking the lead from him but it's definately working. He even (seriously prematurley!) bought a little t-shirt that says 'my daddy says Anyone But United!' so I think I can take it from that that he's looking forward to it. (Certain parts anyway!)

We tell our families on Monday and Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to letting everyone know.

Thanks again everyone,

implausible

Hey Whippy, that's great to hear! It just comes as such a shock to some men, they have no idea what to do and the first instinct can be panic. I'm glad he has come around. Men are just like babies sometimes!

January

That's positive!! When they start buying clothes you know they're used to it! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, come join us on the moaning thread if you have any niggling pains!

caprilicious

Whippy, thats fantastic! I'm delighted for you that he's starting to come around. I hope you're keeping well, sounds like you've had a stressful week dealing with that!

r3nm0r3RASCAL

HM to the BM i think.

January

r3nm0r3RASCAL wrote: »

HM to the BM i think.

Wha?

themysteriouson

I knew he'd start to come round it is just the initial shok of it all that seems to affect men worse than us women! In a few more months he'll be trying to pick the pram for you.