Guy with poor personal hygiene - deal breaker?

LegacyUser

A guy I have been seeing has poor personal hygiene. When I met him first I just thought he was very laid back the way he dresses. He's a decent guy, works hard but is rather lax in personal hygiene. He's old enough to know better - has his own place etc so should know how to look after himself. We've been on 5 dates and for 3 of those he didn't shave and it was obvious that he didn't shower either or take care of his breath. His clothes smell musty, like they've never seen the inside of a washing machine and they live on the floor. I dropped a few hints on an earlier date but they went unnoticed.

This is really putting me off - I spent our last date counting the minutes until it was over and I could breathe again!

Would poor personal hygiene in your date be a deal breaker?

Cheap Thrills!

Yes, instant dealbreaker.

I would have thought that was a no-brainer.

Not washing yourself every day is an automatic human FAIL.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Yes, instant dealbreaker.

I would have thought that was a no-brainer.

Not washing yourself every day is an automatic human FAIL.

Totally agree. Definite instant dealbreaker

krudler

God yeah, can you seriously picture yourself having sex with someone who has bad BO or is a bit crusty? feck that, instant dealbreaker. Not shaving isnt a big deal, I'm a stubbly guy but I keep it tidy

Agent J

If he cant make the effort for the first few dates...

Definate deal breaker.

Ickle Magoo

I'd be worried if that's his idea of making an effort for new relationship, just how bad things might get one we settled in. Stubble I quite like but musty clothes and stinky breath would be an instant deal breaker.

SarahSassy

Oh God yeah.. Cant imagine getting too 'up close and personal' with that.....

Firetrap

It's definitely a deal-breaker. If he's lax with his personal hygiene in the early days with you, can you imagine living with him down the line? :eek: I suppose you could have a word with him and explain straight out that his lack of personal hygiene and his musty clothes are a massive turn-off. Problem with people like this guy is that you can drop hints til the cows come home but if they're unaware that they're dirty, they won't cop on

krudler

In this day and age theres NO excuse for adults not taking care of themselves hygeine wise, I feel manky if I dont shower every day, sometimes twice, I couldnt imagine going longer than that, and as for not brushing his teeth? wtf? I brush mine 3-4 times a day without fail,i'd run a mile from someone who couldnt take care of basic hygeine

wylo

if your going to end it, please tell him exactly why so he'll know better next time. Very bad hygiene is a strange thing in an adult , i know im probably getting ahead of myself here but I often link it with maybe a form of depression or something. Anyone Ive known with very bad hygiene seemed to either seriously lack in confidence, or were depressed.

LegacyUser

In this day and age theres NO excuse for adults not taking care of themselves hygeine wise

Bear in mind that recently large numbers of people have been without tap water for weeks.

However except in this type of unusual situation I would expect that someone on an early date would make an effort.

GirlatdRockShow

Bear in mind that recently large numbers of people have been without tap water for weeks.

Even if this was true on his part sureyl he could have gargled some mouthwash to deal with the breath issue?!Or put on some lynx(shower in a can!)
If he is not going to make an effort with himself,he obviously dosen't care enough.
Kick him to the kerb!

Lucyx

I can never understand someone not showering. Its soap and water. Thats all you need. He should be pristine this early in the relationship. I'd hate to see him in a years time. Filthy.

moimeme24

i would walk out mid date !!! totally unacceptable!!!

mood

DEAL BREAKER for sure. How can this guy think any girl will want to get up close and personal! People like this will probably lead a lonely life until they cop on.

As for the possibility of not having water, if it was me I would have postponed the date/boiled bottled water to wash with/used wet wipes. In others words there is no excuse.

Overheal

I dont know about most people but even being a typically laize faire guy when it comes to hygeine, I definitely step it up when it counts - you know, job interviews, dates, etc.

Frankly if he can't put the little bit of extra effort into it, what does that say about his interest in you? I dont care how often you might normally floss and shower (SHOWER. Come on.) Not doing it for a date? Thats just - no. He must have confidence through the glass ceiling or something.

jimmycrackcorm

spell it out for him - he may not be aware. If he doesn't "clean" up hospital act then bye bye.

krudler

Man on a Date wrote: »

Bear in mind that recently large numbers of people have been without tap water for weeks.

However except in this type of unusual situation I would expect that someone on an early date would make an effort.

Ah thats different, when i said no excuse I meant in the general, everything working as is should be kinda way, even then, if I was living in someplace that had no running water for showers, you can bet your ass I'd be asking relatives or friends if i could use theirs or going to the gym and showering there

Firetrap

She also said that his clothes smelled musty, lived on the floor and seemed like they'd not been near a washing machine in ages. Recent water shortages wouldn't lead to that. He's just one of those people who could easily end up on one of those 'How clean is your house?' type reality TV show :eek: Imagine trying to live with him? It'd be a nightmare.

LegacyUser

what is his house like or have you not been? I have to agree - instant deal breaker, disgusting in fact. I know people like that if i meet them drunk thye put their arm around me, you know, and i rush and shower and wash my clothes.Yuck!

aidan24326

hes2posh2wash wrote: »

Would poor personal hygiene in your date be a deal breaker?

At the point where someone smells musty, clearly hasn't washed or made any sort of effort with their appearance, then yes, I'm afraid so. You really answered your own question with this remark:

This is really putting me off - I spent our last date counting the minutes until it was over and I could breathe again!

If he's a dirty slob he's unlikely to change, especially if he can't even make the effort in a first/second date situation where you'd normally expect someone to be extra conscious of looking their best. Christ he didn't even brush his teeth!

Darthhoob

god yes, scruffy is one thing....filthy is another!

especially so soon.....i can just imagine him getting ready for his date by picking up items of clothing off the floor and sniffing them...obviously his nose doesn't work very well though

LegacyUser

Ehm, washing is not just for 'special occasions' like dates and job interviews etc, its for every day. Thats every single day.

An individual should ENJOY being clean and should not need to be 'told' -if they dont know then there is something fundamentally very wrong with them. Big red flag to steer clear.

People who imagine they are 'relaxed' or 'scruffy' etc are deluding themselves, others just regard them as dirty. Simple as.

No problem with stubble, long hair etc -thats not dirty, dirt is dirty. Dirt is that black stuff under your nails, on your hands, neck and face., wax in your ears, eye crustiness, plaque or worse on teeth, bacteria on your skin causing a smell of B.O. stale underarm sweat, smell of ar$e, smell of unwashed genitals, unwashed clothes, smell of feet etc etc

Clothes need to be washed after 3 or so wears for jeans, underwear after EVERY single wear, NO EXCEPTIONS THERE, t-shirts after every wear or two, shirts the same. SMELL them if you cannot smell washing powder and cleanliness from them then they are DIRTY.

If there is anything 3-D on them or you then thats DIRT and time to wash.

OP, I wouldn't even entertain this guy, what a turn off.

Stu77

This guy needs to be told straight out that he stinks. Unfortunately, some guys are so laid back about personal hygiene and are so used to their own smell that they honestly don't realise that they reek. I know that might sound hard to believe but before kicking him to the kerb, put him wide. He honestly might not realise how bad his body odour or breath really is.

Chronic Bad breath (Halitosis) is not neccessarily due to poor personal hygiene and if his breath stinks then he just might have a nasal, gum problem that needs to be checked out by the dentist and often times people with bad breath are totally unaware that their breath stinks. Mind you, there really is no excuse for body odour and looking unkempt.

You seem like a nice person putting up with this for 5 dates but please sit him down and have a frank chat with him about his personal hygiene if only so that he is under no illusions that he needs to start looking after himself. Who knows, he might even iron his pants the next time you go out on a date.

Peggypeg

wylo wrote: »

if your going to end it, please tell him exactly why so he'll know better next time. Very bad hygiene is a strange thing in an adult , i know im probably getting ahead of myself here but I often link it with maybe a form of depression or something. Anyone Ive known with very bad hygiene seemed to either seriously lack in confidence, or were depressed.

I was just about to write the above. But, Whatever the cause, it's a dealbreaker! How can you possibly get turned on by this guy if you're wondering when he last showered, imagine going down on him, jesus what a nightmare. Definately a dealbreaker for me.

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

I was just about to write the above. But, Whatever the cause, it's a dealbreaker! How can you possibly get turned on by this guy if you're wondering when he last showered, imagine going down on him, jesus what a nightmare. Definately a dealbreaker for me.

Thanks for all the replies. He wasn't affected by the water shortages, I asked him before our last (and most noxious) date if his water was off.

Peggypeg, funny you should mention that particular act - he told me it was his favourite and hinted that I should do it for him on our last date! That got the alarm bells ringing very loud indeed, I made a polite excuse, went home, had a long hot shower and a serious think about him.

All my friends think it's a dealbreaker, like you guys said, if he's not willing to put in the effort at the start later on he'll probably smell like a landfill site.

mood

Like someone else said a daily shower/bath should not be considered an effort. It should be part of your day like have a coffee or getting out of bed.

My idea of an effort would be having a second shower/bath that day just before a date. Clean clothes are also a MUST.

If he is someone you are unlikely to bump into again telling he would be a good idea.

Danniboo

mood wrote: »

Like someone else said a daily shower/bath should not be considered an effort. It should be part of your day like have a coffee or getting out of bed.

My idea of an effort would be having a second shower/bath that day just before a date. Clean clothes are also a MUST.

If he is someone you are unlikely to bump into again telling he would be a good idea.

+ 1 he is probably not going to like you telling him this and will probably get defensive as it's such a sensitive subject. At least if you tell him he'll either change and you might continue to see each other or at least he'll have a long hard look at himself for the next date he goes on, something positive to come out of the situation at least.

LegacyUser

I'll tell him next time I talk to him. I've made up my mind that I'm not going to see him. He lives an hours drive away. What annoyed me was that he finishes work earlier than me and doesn't work long hours so even though he has to travel an hour to see me (I haven't been invited to his place yet) he still didn't make an effort. I would sometimes have a shower after work, do my make-up and go straight into town to meet him.

It's not just the personal hygiene issue, he blows his nose in front of me, scrunches up the hanky and leaves it on the table if we're having a coffee. A hanky, not a tissue! H refuses to use tissues. There are other issues too but it would take too long to go into them.

I'm definitely ending it and giving him a talk but I don't think it will do anything. I've dropped hints before and it hasn't done any good.

mood

hes2posh2wash wrote: »

I'll tell him next time I talk to him. I've made up my mind that I'm not going to see him. He lives an hours drive away. What annoyed me was that he finishes work earlier than me and doesn't work long hours so even though he has to travel an hour to see me (I haven't been invited to his place yet) he still didn't make an effort. I would sometimes have a shower after work, do my make-up and go straight into town to meet him.

It's not just the personal hygiene issue, he blows his nose in front of me, scrunches up the hanky and leaves it on the table if we're having a coffee. A hanky, not a tissue! H refuses to use tissues. There are other issues too but it would take too long to go into them.

I'm definitely ending it and giving him a talk but I don't think it will do anything. I've dropped hints before and it hasn't done any good.

He sounds like a dirty old man! Run.

D-Generate

Wait wait wait.... you took how many dates to figure out that he is like this?! Jebus after the first moment you smelled him you should have bolted for the door!

Pinkpuppy

Oh god my stomach was in my mouth reading this. I was imagining what it would be like being up close and intimate with a guy like this and i nearly gagged...if the thoughts of bumping uglies with him makes you nervous then def do not see him again. There no point expecting him to change because this ugly habit will rear it's head again in the future. Ugh,sorry the thoughts. Good luck with speaking to him. Let us know what you say to him :-)

Firetrap

Let us know how you get on. Telling him straight out that his personal hygiene is a problem would be the right thing to do for his own good but it's not so easy to say that to someone when you're face to face with them

Stu77

Somehow, i don't think this guy will be the slightest bit offended if the OP tells him he has poor personal hygiene. He seems far too laid back and doesn't appear to be trying very hard to make a good impression on the first few dates.

Surely, it has been said to him before if he smells really bad. Guys will rip the piss out of other guys if they don't wash so i've no doubt that its been said too him before but he just doesn't care what people think. OP, tell him out straight that he reeks and no women in their right mind would want to get up close to him. Maybe that might hit a nerve but i won't hold my breath but you should still hold your breath if your in his face when telling him the bad news .

Reesy

A question for the OP: If you tell him, and he says he'll change, will you give him another chance? I'm not suggesting you do, just that you be ready for the question.

I'm in sales and it's the kind of thing I would say, in very different circumstances

LegacyUser

Reesy, I thought about that and I wouldn't give him a chance again because I didn't honestly think saying anything would have an impact. My hunch was right.

He called last night and I said to him that I didn't want to meet again. He wanted to know why and I said that I didn't think we had very much in common - that I was probably a bit too anal for him. When he asked why I said that I liked to have a shower, change my clothes and brush my teeth before I went out and that he seemed to be a bit more laid back about that sort of thing. I said that I liked to put on freshly washed clothes before going out and that I would expect all of that from someone else. He said that I was fussy - he has a shower every morning himself (???) and he felt that was enough. He joked that people like me would destroy the planet using up too much water and energy to keep ourselves clean and that in our grandparents time there wasn't as much fuss about hygiene.

I disagreed and said that my grandmother, a farmer's wife, was one of the biggest hygiene nazis on the planet and was a great fan of carbolic soap, lukewarm baths and hard face flannels. She had no washing machine but my dad and sisters were never allowed out in dirty clothes! You must take after her so, he said. He didn't seem that bothered and said it was a pity I didn't think we were compatible. He went on to say I was clinical and high maintenance and he hadn't had any complaints before apart from his (female) boss who called him in and told him to change his shirt every day and wear proper work trousers. He went on to say it wasn't as if he worked on a farm or a building site!! Funnily enough, I've always found guys who work outside like farmers and builders to be very clean on dates.

So that's the end of that! I'd love to have a sneaky chat with his boss and see what her experiences of him were like. Imagine working with someone like that!

Sehnsucht

What a dirty doggie! OP you're well rid. I'm still cringing thinking of that 'favourite activity' he was suggesting you do. Ugh! Doesn't bare thinking about

Moomoo1

hes2posh2wash wrote: »

Reesy, I thought about that and I wouldn't give him a chance again because I didn't honestly think saying anything would have an impact. My hunch was right.

He called last night and I said to him that I didn't want to meet again. He wanted to know why and I said that I didn't think we had very much in common - that I was probably a bit too anal for him. When he asked why I said that I liked to have a shower, change my clothes and brush my teeth before I went out and that he seemed to be a bit more laid back about that sort of thing. I said that I liked to put on freshly washed clothes before going out and that I would expect all of that from someone else. He said that I was fussy - he has a shower every morning himself (???) and he felt that was enough. He joked that people like me would destroy the planet using up too much water and energy to keep ourselves clean and that in our grandparents time there wasn't as much fuss about hygiene.

I disagreed and said that my grandmother, a farmer's wife, was one of the biggest hygiene nazis on the planet and was a great fan of carbolic soap, lukewarm baths and hard face flannels. She had no washing machine but my dad and sisters were never allowed out in dirty clothes! You must take after her so, he said. He didn't seem that bothered and said it was a pity I didn't think we were compatible. He went on to say I was clinical and high maintenance and he hadn't had any complaints before apart from his (female) boss who called him in and told him to change his shirt every day and wear proper work trousers. He went on to say it wasn't as if he worked on a farm or a building site!! Funnily enough, I've always found guys who work outside like farmers and builders to be very clean on dates.

So that's the end of that! I'd love to have a sneaky chat with his boss and see what her experiences of him were like. Imagine working with someone like that!

I frankly don't think he'll miss you much. I am like him in that I wash once every several days and smell clothes before deciding whether to wash them or not, and I can't ever say that it hindered me in any way. Plus I hate the smell of any sort of perfume. Consequently, cleanliness freaks annoy me to the extreme.

In his place I would also not want to change my ways for a woman: I'd just find another one!

Cheap Thrills!

^^^ Yeh dream on.

Op, I knew he would pull the environmental card, as you proved yourself with the story of your Gran its possible to be environmentally sound and clean. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Safe to say bad match and thats the politest thing you can say about him.

Good luck to him finding someone who will put up with that! And I agree with you about lads who work outside etc Much cleaner!

I find these over analytic pseudo-intellectual types sometimes hide behind a load of quasi-pc crap to rationalise whatever suits them. He stinks, he can wrap it up how he likes, it wont fly.

You're well shot!

oil painting

Interesting thread OP,

I think his attitude stinks most of all!, the excuses he made where pathetic, like if your going on a date the least you can do is put the effort in, what a selfish git, this wont be the first time he looses a potential relationship over his attitude unless he finds a crusty like himself! the least attractive thing to me is that he doesnt care about himself, like that would be the beginning of many problems to come, how do you deal with that....... DEAL-BREAKER for sure!

Jeeze you live and learn huh?

Davidius

I can't really see what your issue was. Personally I would think showering more than one a day is a bit excessive. Daily washes are actually things that are in the back of the head for a number of us and I'll be honest I think some of it sounds like going beyond what's needed for sufficient hygiene.

Honestly the only people who've told me I smelled were the ones who thought they could smell things that were not there.

I would have hoped it'd be a minor irritant at best to be honest. Granted I'd know to clean myself up a bit for a date but I can appreciate that some people are just socially inept. If they were genuinely a decent person then I don't see why you wouldn't at least give them the chance. I mean that in the "tell them outright you don't like how they smell and don't tip-toe around it like a moron, then see how it goes" sense.

I think you might be exaggerating just a little and I would be in the mind that being obsessive and picky about this kind of thing is actually a bad thing.

mood

Davidius wrote: »

I can't really see what your issue was. Personally I would think showering more than one a day is a bit excessive. Daily washes are actually things that are in the back of the head for a number of us and I'll be honest I think some of it sounds like going beyond what's needed for sufficient hygiene.

Honestly the only people who've told me I smelled were the ones who thought they could smell things that were not there.

I would have hoped it'd be a minor irritant at best to be honest. Granted I'd know to clean myself up a bit for a date but I can appreciate that some people are just socially inept. If they were genuinely a decent person then I don't see why you wouldn't at least give them the chance. I mean that in the "tell them outright you don't like how they smell and don't tip-toe around it like a moron, then see how it goes" sense.

I think you might be exaggerating just a little and I would be in the mind that being obsessive and picky about this kind of thing is actually a bad thing.

I am sure you and the other guy who tried to justify him standards or hygiene have missed out on meeting loads of girls and making a lot of friends. Maybe it wasn't put bluntly to you but I know I have turned down about 20 guys in my life due to smell issues. As soon as I would get a wiff I would be off saying I had a boyfriend or whatever. And people would not tell you you smell if you don't.

I would guess the this guys collegues/clients complained to the boss about him otherwise it is unlikely she would have had words. This issue could even hinder his career.

Washing once a day and wearing clean clothes is the norm. It's not been a clean freak.

Firetrap

I don't think the OP's being that fussy. I've lived alongside people who would only take a shower every second day or so and I don't recall them smelling bad. What the OP is talking about sounds like something a lot more serious than that. I've occasionally had to work with people whose hygiene standards weren't up to much and it's the sort of thing that you can smell a mile away. One man smelled like a decomposing dead animal and another chap's clothes used to have a musty smell.

Neyite

+1

theres a guy in our office who really hums of BO, so strong i have to fight not to gag when he is around.

we all scrub up to go out. if ive had a shower in the morning then i might not bother with one before i go out, but jeez, clean clothes and teeth are a must. nice clean teeth mean an enjoyable snog at the end of the night for both.

if this is him scrubbing up for a new love interest, how bad does he get when you get to the slobbing out phase???

ewwww.
OP you did the right thing.

Moomoo1

mood wrote: »

I am sure you and the other guy who tried to justify him standards or hygiene have missed out on meeting loads of girls and making a lot of friends. Maybe it wasn't put bluntly to you but I know I have turned down about 20 guys in my life due to smell issues. As soon as I would get a wiff I would be off saying I had a boyfriend or whatever. And people would not tell you you smell if you don't.

I would guess the this guys collegues/clients complained to the boss about him otherwise it is unlikely she would have had words. This issue could even hinder his career.

Washing once a day and wearing clean clothes is the norm. It's not been a clean freak.

or maybe all those girls and friends have missed out on us? Maybe they are all superficial people who cannot see the wood for the trees??

Here's the deal. If I were going out to a club looking for a quick shag (and it's a LOOOONG time since I've done that) then I would of course be looking to be at my cleanest and best.

But if you are on a date looking for a potential life partner, then you want them to see the real you, you want them to want you for the real you, not your 'outer shell'. Because if they really genuinely like you then the little things like hygiene will not stop them.

Plus, if people had problems with my hygiene standards, I'd want to filter them out at an early stage, as opposed to dragging it on. It wouldn't be fair on them for one. Because having to move in together and only then realising that you cannot actually coexist in the same space would be rather a problem, would it not?

Moomoo1

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

^^^ Yeh dream on.

Op, I knew he would pull the environmental card, as you proved yourself with the story of your Gran its possible to be environmentally sound and clean. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Safe to say bad match and thats the politest thing you can say about him.

Good luck to him finding someone who will put up with that! And I agree with you about lads who work outside etc Much cleaner!

I find these over analytic pseudo-intellectual types sometimes hide behind a load of quasi-pc crap to rationalise whatever suits them. He stinks, he can wrap it up how he likes, it wont fly.

You're well shot!

that's a great point about the environment, I missed that! And you'd be surprised how many people are willing to overlook those things, esp. once they get a bit older and realise what sorts of things in life are important and what sort aren't so important.

Also, some people find excessive cleanliness offputting. If you cannot smell your partner's body odours during lovemaking, quite a few people would find this a turn-off.

Larianne

There's a difference between a person's natural body odour and gross stale sweat.

I don't think the OP was harsh at all and did the right thing. It's just laziness not cleaning yourself everyday.

Moomoo1

Larianne wrote: »

There's a difference between a person's natural body odour and gross stale sweat.

I don't think the OP was harsh at all and did the right thing. It's just laziness not cleaning yourself everyday.

I don't think the OP was harsh, it was an important issue to her and we cannot argue with that. If she had a problem with the guy being too tall, or short, or wearing the wrong colour jackets, then she's in her right to end it over that.

All I am saying is that some issues are more important than others, and to me this issue ranks quite low compared to certain others. As you get older, you realise the things that really matter in a person.

Larianne

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't think the OP was harsh, it was an important issue to her and we cannot argue with that. If she had a problem with the guy being too tall, or short, or wearing the wrong colour jackets, then she's in her right to end it over that.

All I am saying is that some issues are more important than others, and to me this issue ranks quite low compared to certain others. As you get older, you realise the things that really matter in a person.

I don't think age comes into really or person's qualities. Could be a great guy but if they smell, they smell! If you're repulsed by someones smell then it is a bit of an issue. I mean if all the guy needed to do wash every day and put on a clean shirt/jumper/trousers, it's not really much to ask. And I would say if the girl had a problem with his cleanliness, I'm sure others did too (like his boss) but were afraid to say anything.

Moomoo1

Larianne wrote: »

I don't think age comes into really or person's qualities. Could be a great guy but if they smell, they smell! If you're repulsed by someones smell then it is a bit of an issue. I mean if all the guy needed to do wash every day and put on a clean shirt/jumper/trousers, it's not really much to ask. And I would say if the girl had a problem with his cleanliness, I'm sure others did too (like his boss) but were afraid to say anything.

fair enough. As I've said, it's all about personal priorities.

krudler

Here's the deal. If I were going out to a club looking for a quick shag (and it's a LOOOONG time since I've done that) then I would of course be looking to be at my cleanest and best.

But if you are on a date looking for a potential life partner, then you want them to see the real you, you want them to want you for the real you, not your 'outer shell'. Because if they really genuinely like you then the little things like hygiene will not stop them.

Plus, if people had problems with my hygiene standards, I'd want to filter them out at an early stage, as opposed to dragging it on. It wouldn't be fair on them for one. Because having to move in together and only then realising that you cannot actually coexist in the same space would be rather a problem, would it not?

So random shag=effort, date with someone you could potentially go out with=arrive crusty as you like? If a girl i asked out showed up smelling of b.o and waffling on about how not washing saves the environment or some such rubbish she's be fast kicked to the curb, people who dont wash every day are just lazy, no matter what hippie excuse they try to tack on to it.