should i be worried...?

LegacyUser

Hi,
been seeing a guy for a week or so (i'm 19, he's 31). He was engaged until recently and broke up with his fiance in November. We met at one of those christmas party thingies i was there with my office, he was there with his.
we texted over xmas as he was out of town and we met up in new year. i'm really keen on him and we've been going out for the past week. i think he's the one.
i've only ever fumbled around with guys before and i have to say it's been so good with somebody who knows what they're doing. the sex has been amazing and 1st time in my life i feel like a woman. my family met him too and love him.
He has asked me to move in with him and it's looking like possibly towards the beginning of feb as i'll be getting paid at the end of jan and need a deposit. His fiance moved out over new year but has stayed a few nights since due to some issue with her new place not ready or water pipe or something. I've not seen her and any nights ive stayed it's when she's away.
I'm a bit worried though as it's a one bed apartment in a really nice part of town. I'm wondering though where she slept when she stayed over as it never looked like the setee was used as it wouldn't be really suitable for sleeping on. some of her stuff is still there also and i'm afraid to insist it should be dumped.
should i be worried that this guy is still doing it with his ex? i've no experience of this type of situation so any help/advice would be boss.
please don't accuse me of being young or nieyeve or innocent because i'm 110% sure and know what and who i want.
thank u

Peggypeg

notagain! wrote: »

Hi,
been seeing a guy for a week or so (i'm 19, he's 31). He was engaged until recently and broke up with his fiance in November. We met at one of those christmas party thingies i was there with my office, he was there with his.
we texted over xmas as he was out of town and we met up in new year. i'm really keen on him and we've been going out for the past week. i think he's the one.
i've only ever fumbled around with guys before and i have to say it's been so good with somebody who knows what they're doing. the sex has been amazing and 1st time in my life i feel like a woman. my family met him too and love him.
He has asked me to move in with him and it's looking like possibly towards the beginning of feb as i'll be getting paid at the end of jan and need a deposit. His fiance moved out over new year but has stayed a few nights since due to some issue with her new place not ready or water pipe or something. I've not seen her and any nights ive stayed it's when she's away.
I'm a bit worried though as it's a one bed apartment in a really nice part of town. I'm wondering though where she slept when she stayed over as it never looked like the setee was used as it wouldn't be really suitable for sleeping on. some of her stuff is still there also and i'm afraid to insist it should be dumped.
should i be worried that this guy is still doing it with his ex? i've no experience of this type of situation so any help/advice would be boss.
please don't accuse me of being young or nieyeve or innocent because i'm 110% sure and know what and who i want.
thank u

Sweetie, you are nieyeve . I'm not saying he's cheating but what in the name of god are you doing cotemplating moving in with someone when you don't even feel comfortable asking where his ex slept when she was there!!! You need to cop on a bit. Ask your questions and get your answers and if you're not happy don't move in. You are a good deal younger than him, you would be surprised how easy it is to be manipulated when you're with someone much older. I was with someone 14 yrs older when I was 19 to 24, it's the biggest regret of my life, I wasted so many years. Please be careful sweetie, don't move in if you get even a hint that he slept with her or it'll be the first in a long line of heartbreaks.
Best of luck sweetie.

Barracudaincork

I could be wrong here but i really think you are the "filler" for him after his relationship with his ex broke up. A person who goes from being engaged and living with someone to wanting to move in with a new person (12 years their junior) in less than 1 month is not thinking clearly or else is just thinking of themselves.

He is still sleeping with his ex, i cant prove it, but lets just say i know it, i have never stayed over at an ex's place without getting giggy and i really cant recall any of my friends doing that either.

He is hoping your naivity is going to let him get away with this.

OP you wont like this but you need to walk away from him, actually you need to run. Of course i could be wrong but my life and my friends lifes experiences tell me otherwise.

SarahSassy

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I could be wrong here but i really think you are the "filler" for him after his relationship with his ex broke up. A person who goes from being engaged and living with someone to wanting to move in with a new person (12 years their junior) in less than 1 month is not thinking clearly or else is just thinking of themselves.

He is still sleeping with his ex, i cant prove it, but lets just say i know it, i have never stayed over at an ex's place without getting giggy and i really cant recall any of my friends doing that either.

He is hoping your naivity is going to let him get away with this.

OP you wont like this but you need to walk away from him, actually you need to run. Of course i could be wrong but my life and my friends lifes experiences tell me otherwise.

OP this is all 100% true....

He is at minimum rebounding and you dont want to be the one who gets hurt... He is also probably still flinging with his ex and there is a very good chance they will get back together... Protect yourself and walk away. If he is still interested in 6 months then go for it but its all too soon and too fast..

Kimia

What in the name of god are you doing moving in with someone you met at CHRISTMAS? That is pure and utter insanity.

You ARE young and innocent and naive and the only reason you asked people not to call you that is because you know it yourself.

Come on, just listen to yourself. If he's the one you want he'll be there forever, there is no rush.

Sanjuro

Run. Run away, very fast, and do it now. This guy is taking you for the proverbial ride. Apart from all the things the others mentioned above, I think it's very, very odd that a 31 year old guy actually thinks that hooking up with a 19 year old immediately after breaking up with his fiance, and asking said 19 year old to move in with him after barely a month of being together is actually all right. Something really, really stinks about this situation, and I'd imagine it's down to the fact that this guy isn't morally 'all there.'

carolmon

notagain! wrote: »

Hi,..

He has asked me to move in with him and it's looking like possibly towards the beginning of feb as i'll be getting paid at the end of jan and need a deposit. His fiance moved out over new year.......

I'm a bit worried though as it's a one bed apartment in a really nice part of town.

Seems very rushed....does he need somebody to share the rent/ mortgage?

Why not wait and enjoy getting to know each other for a while before you move in?

Acoshla

I find it odd that he has voluntarily met your family when ye're only going out a week, that sounds to me like he is definitely using you as a rebound/filler or to make the ex fiancee jealous maybe? Like he wants to project a nice image to your family so that you will think he is nice and "the one" and settling down material.

If he really is the one enjoy yourselves before worrying about moving in together, and for God's sake make sure he is well shot of the ex fiancee before you even consider spending time with him, never mind moving in with him.

OP, do you know why they broke up?

carolmon

OP I think a month is a very short time to get over the end of a long term relationship, just be careful you are not the rebound girlfriend.

gangie

While moving in with your oh is exciting and wonderful in many ways it is also a lot of hard work! You really dont know this guy well enough and imo it is far to soon to even contemplate it. There is no hurry, if he is 'the one' then he will be around for a long time so whats the rush? Living together is a BIG decision, and brings with it a whole host of issues, so if I were you I would avoid it for at least 6 months if not longer.

Be careful op, I dont want to be negative but this all sounds to much to soon and is worrying because at your oh's age, he really should know better!

Firetrap

A lot of alarm bells are ringing here. The age difference, the speed at which this relationship has progressed and the ex-fiancée issue. Others on this thread have touched on the rebound thing, sex with the ex (yes, I've friends who've done that too) and the possibility that you're being used for rent/revenge/filler.

I've another question to ask - why did she have to stay in his place? Surely she has friends who would have been more than happy to let her sleep on the sofa or in the spare room?

This whole story just sounds wrong. Have any of your family/friends expressed reservations about your moving in with him so quickly? I'm not necessarily suggesting you break up with this guy but I do think you should hold back on moving in with him now. I can't help but think you're still way too infatuated with him to see the wood from the trees.

Metacortex

Sanjuro wrote: »

Run. Run away, very fast, and do it now. This guy is taking you for the proverbial ride. Apart from all the things the others mentioned above, I think it's very, very odd that a 31 year old guy actually thinks that hooking up with a 19 year old immediately after breaking up with his fiance, and asking said 19 year old to move in with him after barely a month of being together is actually all right. Something really, really stinks about this situation, and I'd imagine it's down to the fact that this guy isn't morally 'all there.'

+1
Run run run.
Do not move in with this guy, you don't even know him. The fact that you posted this thread means you know on some level this is all wrong and yes, he most likely is still sleeping with her.

I would never in a million years get involved with someone who just ended a serious relationship two months ago, it sounds like a rebound I'm sorry to say.

stripysocks85

Let me get this straight:
you've been seeing him for a WEEK and you're thinking of moving in with him?!

Firstly, he's on a totally different maturity level than you: you've admitted you've little experience of this, and he's after coming from a serious relationship - one where his ex still stays over and has left some stuff at his house!

You are being very naive if you think this is going to last.

Get out, fast!

No good can come from this.

kjl

OK, I'm going to lay this out so you can come back and read this when it all goes tits up.

You are nieve, especially if you think that this guy has any kind of feelings other then lust for you.

You are instantly putting yourself into a relationship where you have no power. None at all. He can do whatever he wants and you will never say no.

He will manipulate you, and crush you. This could end up being the biggest mistake in your life, and it wont even phase him.

He doesn't care about you. If he is still sleeping with his ex, then he doesn't care about you.

At best he is using you to pay the rent.

Anyway this guy sounds like a real asshole, what kind of perv does that to a young girl. What a sicko.

solution:

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!

martdalto

notagain! wrote: »

i think he's the one.

He's not "the one"... he's "the first".

I completely understand what you are feeling, and it's all new and exciting and "why not" at the moment.. and who knows? It might last, I got with my husband immediately after we both came out of very long term very serious relationships (he had/has a child) and within 2 weeks of us being together I knew I would end up marrying him!

BUT... BUT.. If he is the one, he will wait, it WILL happen.. it just doesn't have to happen now!

Good point with whoever said about maybe it's happening so quick because he needs someone to share the rent.. not exactly the most romantic reason to move your gf in!!

I'm not saying end the relationship. I'm not saying it can't work out. I'm not saying your crazy or wrong.. I'm just saying there's no rush.

He's your first love.. he's also likely to be your first broken heart! But you're young, you're inexperienced, and these are all lessons we all have to learn in life!

EDIT: Also, I meant to add, I completely agree wth the poster who said if you are afraid to ask him something, then it's not a good basis for a realtionship. He may be older than you, he may be more experienced, but a relationship is supposed to be a partnership.. It can't work if one is "afraid" of the other! What are you afraid of if you ask him where she slept? What's the worst that could happen?

Danniboo

Sounds to me you're trying to convince yourself you're not being naive and foolish. You've known him a couple of weeks and are moving in with him and think he's "the one". I'm sorry but he's either on the rebound or has some sick agenda to make the fiancee/ex whatever jealous. Does she know about you? Did you find out why they broke up? I've a feeling your parents don't know the whole story. I'm almost 24 and I know for a fact if I went to my mam and said this John who I met 2 weeks ago he just broke up with his fiancee, she still lives with him but is moving out, he's the one and i'm moving in, she'd pick me up and shake me. You're 19 there's thousands of men out there, why do you want to settle down at such a young age. Think about it if he's such little respect and feelings for this woman who'd he planned to marry that he can just hook up with someone else and move them in what would make you think your relationship is going to be a bed of roses.

Barracudaincork

Danniboo wrote: »

she'd pick me up and shake me.

Your Mum would be very restrained in comparsion to what my Mum would do

OP your 19 and life can be hard enough with the best boyfriend in the world by your side, dont make it harder on yourself with the worst boyfriend in the world by your side.

SarahSassy

Hon, there is plenty of time ahead for you (as you are only 19) to live with a future boyfriend. Dont rush into this and give yourself away too easily.. Its a big deal for me to move in with someone and not just a renting arrangement. Its a strong committment and should not be taken lightly...

moco

The fact that he wants a deposit from you would definitely indicate to me that he's looking on you as a lodger he can have sex with.

Kipperhell

While I wouldn't believe the people who claim to know what went on or what he feels the warnings from everybody are very valid. It is all too soon and at his age he should know that. He needs space, you will be doing him no favours by moving in and it would be very easy for you to end up hurt. If you actually care about him and he you then wait if it is special then you can do that.

It could all work out but in all fairness that is very unlikely and similar to winning the lottery IMHO.

Memnoch

Wow,
Everyone is being so cynical, it's like we've forgotten how to love. I also find it interesting how everyone is immediately attributing all sorts of negative connotations to this guy without any solid evidence.

So he broke up with his ex and doesn't want to be an arse and put her on the street while she's transitioning out, that MUST mean he's still sleeping with her BECAUSE and here's the best part, some random stranger on boards did it whenever they were with their ex, OH and SO DID THEIR FRIENDS, sure calculus couldn't be more certain.

OP. Maybe this guy really does like you and maybe he's just following his heart. Nothing whatsoever wrong in that. However, whatever decision you make, it should be for you and what you want. Just keep a few things in mind.

He's just come out of a situation that's bound to have been quite tumultuous emotionally, he might not be thinking straight, or using his best judgement. There's a chance he might mislead you without meaning to, and there's a chance he might break your heart without meaning to.

It is very soon to move in, do you think, as a couple you should consider getting to know each other a little better? You might feel like you really know him, but the truth is that we all present our best side when we are new to someone and there's no harm in getting your relationship on more solid ground before contemplating such a big life change.

Relationships are built on trust and honesty. You have absolutely every right to be assured that your concerns about his ex are properly addressed. Ask him and make sure you're satisfied with the answer before you make any decisions.

I'm happy that you are feeling the giddy rush of first love, but try to keep in mind that this CAN and DOES affect your judgement. And most importantly keep an open mind.

He could be everything you want, he COULD also hurt you quite badly. But at the end of the day, we all have to make our own mistakes and learn our own lessons.

These kinds of romances have been known to not work out, so the statistics are against you, which is why you're getting such a strongly negative reaction here. But sometimes it DOES work out. Just be careful in what you do and make sure you keep your family and friends close and don't hesitate to ask for their help and support should things not go in the direction you hope.

The fact that this guy is now 31 and was with his ex for 12 years means he started going out with her when he was 19. How many modern Irish guys committed to a 12 year relationship at 19? (not saying he knew it would last that long), but the fact that it did says a lot.

Best of luck and I wish you every happiness, but just know, happiness isn't guaranteed, only the pursuit and possibility of it is.

Barracudaincork

Memnoch wrote: »

Wow,
Everyone is being so cynical, it's like we've forgotten how to love. .

I personally havent forgotten how to love, but I also havent forgotten the devastation you feel when it goes tits up! This is why I, and i think others have been so "negative" as you put it, towards this. I dont think we are being negative, more realistic and trying to save this poor 19 year old from heartbreak.

Of course your post had valid points and yes in some cases it does work out, im just curious would you give the same advice to your 19 year old daughter if she met a man in this situation?

PS I loved your last line, nicely put!!!

Memnoch

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I personally havent forgotten how to love, but I also havent forgotten the devastation you feel when it goes tits up! This is why I, and i think others have been so "negative" as you put it, towards this. I dont think we are being negative, more realistic and trying to save this poor 19 year old from heartbreak.

Of course your post had valid points and yes in some cases it does work out, im just curious would you give the same advice to your 19 year old daughter if she met a man in this situation?

PS I loved your last line, nicely put!!!

Well, we've all had our share of heartbreak I'm sure. I also don't think you can "save this poor 19 year old," from heartbreak. At some point or another there's a good chance she will experience it, if not with this guy then maybe with the next one. But she's an adult and had to make her own decisions.

I don't have a 19 year old daughter, so I can't really say though I know that the parental urge to protect someone you love is a strong one. But her parents HAVE met the guy and they KNOW his age. They might not know ALL the details, but they aren't idiots I'm sure.

I would agree with the caution against moving in so soon, but if that's what she wants no one's going to be able to stop her tbh. I'm sure you remember what being a 19 year old was like and all the advice you ignored.

What I find troubling is the reaction to paint this guy as some nefarious super villian out to exploit her. Just because he's 31 doesn't mean he can't be lead by his heart and emotions as much as a 19 year old.

seahorse

Sanjuro wrote: »

Something really, really stinks about this situation, and I'd imagine it's down to the fact that this guy isn't morally 'all there.'

+ 1

This situation stinks to high heaven and anyone who thinks othewise has got a hell of a lot of growing up to do - no doubt they'll be doing it the hard way.

A thirty-something man who splits up with his fiancee (if they even have split up, which I doubt) and talks about moving a nineteen year old within weeks is missing both screws and morals. This is cearly evidenced by behaviour which treats the person they were willing to marry until a couple of weeks ago as disposable.

I had to laugh at the line where the OP wondered about ordering his fiancee's belongings dumped out of the apartment!

Jesus OP, understand this: One week of intimacy gives you NO claims on this near stranger and no claims on the whereabouts of anyone elses belongings! Personally I find it disturbing that there are people out there involving themselves with others who actually need that pointed out to them! :eek:

Barracudaincork

Memnoch wrote: »

Well, we've all had our share of heartbreak I'm sure. I also don't think you can "save this poor 19 year old," from heartbreak. At some point or another there's a good chance she will experience it, if not with this guy then maybe with the next one. But she's an adult and had to make her own decisions.

I don't have a 19 year old daughter, so I can't really say though I know that the parental urge to protect someone you love is a strong one. But her parents HAVE met the guy and they KNOW his age. They might not know ALL the details, but they aren't idiots I'm sure.

I would agree with the caution against moving in so soon, but if that's what she wants no one's going to be able to stop her tbh. I'm sure you remember what being a 19 year old was like and all the advice you ignored.

What I find troubling is the reaction to paint this guy as some nefarious super villian out to exploit her. Just because he's 31 doesn't mean he can't be lead by his heart and emotions as much as a 19 year old.

No you are right i cant save her from heartbreak, but i can point out where that heartbreak may be. Yes of course she is an adult but the heart does crazy things to an adults brain, hence why i posted, the OP isnt thinking as clearly as someone not involved.

I remember only too well the advice i ignored when i was 19 (i even remember it from when i was 30!) but that doesnt mean i wouldnt stop trying to advice the OP, i give advice to help, not to feel better about myself, if that makes sense.

I agree a 31 year old man or women can be led by their heart, i just think the state of that heart must be fairly shaky considering he had just broke up with his ex finace, someone he was living with and planning to marry, if the man is as lead by his heart as you suggest, this would make me worry more about the OP, as i find it hard to believe someone who is lead by their heart would recover from a break up so easily.

seahorse

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I agree a 31 year old man or women can be led by their heart, i just think the state of that heart must be fairly shaky considering he had just broke up with his ex finace, someone he was living with and planning to marry, if the man is as lead by his heart as you suggest, this would make me worry more about the OP, as i find it hard to believe someone who is lead by their heart would recover from a break up so easily.

+ 1

This bloke isn't lead by his heart; he's lead by his penis.

Memnoch

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I agree a 31 year old man or women can be led by their heart, i just think the state of that heart must be fairly shaky considering he had just broke up with his ex finace, someone he was living with and planning to marry, if the man is as lead by his heart as you suggest, this would make me worry more about the OP, as i find it hard to believe someone who is lead by their heart would recover from a break up so easily.

As I said above, there's a good chance that the guy has been through quite a tumultuous situation emotionally and might not be thinking straight and the OP should definitely take that into consideration when making her decision.

On the other hand, with a 12 year relationship, maybe he knew for a while that it was coming to an end and had already made his peace with it and now is eager to get out there move on with his life.

But then, it's easy for us to be rational and calculating since our feelings aren't involved. Which gives us the illusion that we know what's best for her.

But who are we to say for SURE that not taking a chance on this guy is the best thing for her? I think it's fair enough to make her aware of the risks, and help her make an informed choice, but I don't like the scaremongering that seems to have gone on in some of the posts, despite best intentions.

As for thinking with his penis, so what? Obviously he fancies the OP, would be kind of messed up if he didn't and was asking her to move in with him.

I agree with the general sentiment that things do seem to be moving too fast, but it's not our remit to judge. Neither is it to lay blame. Maybe he'll be the one with his feelings crushed when 2 years down the line the OP decides that she wants to sow her wild oats? He's taking a risk here too. Let's not be dismissive or frivolous about him or his feelings.

seahorse

Memnoch wrote: »

As for thinking with his penis, so what? Obviously he fancies the OP, would be kind of messed up if he didn't and was asking her to move in with him.

It's a very big problem for her if he's thinking with his penis and nothing else.

You seriously see nothing mentally unhinged about someone asking someone else to move in with them after one weeks intimacy and three weeks after the collapse of an impending marriage? Are you for real?

This situation is one of the most transparent I've read on boards for a very long time. Here you have a teenager who is clearly extremely inexperienced in the area of relationships and sex. Take a look at the facts:

1 - She's done nothing beyond "fumbling" with men prior to this, so much so that according to her this is the first time in her life she feels like a woman.

2 - She considers herself to be in a relationship after a single week!

3 - She's considered asking him to remove his ex-fiancée’s belongings after a week!

4 - She knows she's with "the one" after a single week!

5 - She's talking about being "110% sure about what and who she wants" while the reality is she's not even well-acquainted enough with this man to ask where his fiancée slept, for God's sake!

I could maybe consider buying what you’re saying about his having fallen head over heels in the space of seven days but for the OP says he’s made it his business only to have her over on the nights when the ex (supposedly) fiancée is away. Hello!!! Alarm bells!!!!!

At worst this girl is being strung along by someone who's still very much involved and at best she's met someone on the rebound who's looking for someone to throw the leg over and share the rent. In either case she's involving herself with someone she'd be better off without.

I think your advice to the OP is well intended Memnoch, but I also think it’s a million miles off the mark and that you are doing her a very big disservice here, whether you know it or not. I hope you'll be around to advise her further when the sh!t hits the fan, as it surely will.

Moomoo1

seahorse wrote: »

It's a very big problem for her if he's thinking with his penis and nothing else.

You seriously see nothing mentally unhinged about someone asking someone else to move in with them after one weeks intimacy and three weeks after the collapse of an impending marriage? Are you for real?

This situation is one of the most transparent I've read on boards for a very long time. Here you have a teenager who is clearly extremely inexperienced in the area of relationships and sex. Take a look at the facts:

1 - She's done nothing beyond "fumbling" with men prior to this, so much so that according to her this is the first time in her life she feels like a woman.

2 - She considers herself to be in a relationship after a single week!

3 - She's considered asking him to remove his ex-fiancée’s belongings after a week!

4 - She knows she's with "the one" after a single week!

5 - She's talking about being "110% sure about what and who she wants" while the reality is she's not even well-acquainted enough with this man to ask where his fiancée slept, for God's sake!

I could maybe consider buying what you’re saying about his having fallen head over heels in the space of seven days but for the OP says he’s made it his business only to have her over on the nights when the ex (supposedly) fiancée is away. Hello!!! Alarm bells!!!!!

At worst this girl is being strung along by someone who's still very much involved and at best she's met someone on the rebound who's looking for someone to throw the leg over and share the rent. In either case she's involving herself with someone she'd be better off without.

I think your advice to the OP is well intended Memnoch, but I also think it’s a million miles off the mark and that you are doing her a very big disservice here, whether you know it or not. I hope you'll be around to advise her further when the sh!t hits the fan, as it surely will.

ok, suppose you are right (because everything you are saying is just conjecture and supposition): what practical help is that of to the OP? She stated very clearly indeed that she will NOT leave, and will NOT run. All she wants to know is how to approach the guy about the ex-fiance staying in the flat.

She came here asking for practical advice, not to have her and her partner slagged off.

Danniboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

ok, suppose you are right (because everything you are saying is just conjecture and supposition): what practical help is that of to the OP? She stated very clearly indeed that she will NOT leave, and will NOT run. All she wants to know is how to approach the guy about the ex-fiance staying in the flat.

She came here asking for practical advice, not to have her and her partner slagged off.

I wouldn't dream of calling someone a I knew a week my "partner", it just screams bunny boiler. I'll find you !!!!!!!

LegacyUser

It's important to take into consideration too the fact that he was in this 12 year relationship from 19 to 31, so he has essentially never been single as an adult. He's been used to having his fiancee around for all that time. He might be the kind of needy person who can't be alone and so his first instinct when one woman moves out, is to move another one who conveniently shows up in his life right in (not to mention the financial aspect, which is also highly significant). That would make me feel a bit more like a useful piece of furniture to have around the place, than "the one"!

Look at it this way - if you think someone is "the one" for you, don't you also want to be their "one"? Do you really think HE has had enough time of getting to know you to feel as strongly about you, as he once did about the girl he was going to marry? Maybe he will, in time, but don't dance to his tune just yet just because it would be convenient for him allowing him not to change anything in his living set up! They broke up, things HAVE to change, and more than just replacing woman A with woman B in his bed!

Moomoo1

Danniboo wrote: »

I wouldn't dream of calling someone a I knew a week my "partner", it just screams bunny boiler. I'll find you !!!!!!!

you sleep together, you are thinking of moving in together, so you are partners.

seahorse

Moomoo1 wrote: »

ok, suppose you are right (because everything you are saying is just conjecture and supposition): what practical help is that of to the OP? She stated very clearly indeed that she will NOT leave, and will NOT run. All she wants to know is how to approach the guy about the ex-fiance staying in the flat.

She came here asking for practical advice, not to have her and her partner slagged off.

She came here asking "Should I be worried". My answer to that is a very firm yes, for all the reasons I've outlined. And as for "partner":rolleyes: anyone who thinks that after seven days sounds like they have the relationship experience more suited to a twelve year old than a nineteen year old to me.

Danniboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you sleep together, you are thinking of moving in together, so you are partners.

Sleep together when the fiancees not around only 7 nights in one week so they've slept together what 2/3 times. If you met someone out and went on a couple of dates and slept together would you call them a partner. I think everyone entering into a relationship does so with intention that one day they might live together. But, seeing someone for a week is not someone i'd consider a partner, I think until you know the person and know your both in it for the long haul then you can consider them your partner. I can just imagine seeing a guy a week and introducing him to people as my partner *cue tumbleweeds*

Moomoo1

seahorse wrote: »

She came here asking "Should I be worried". My answer to that is a very firm yes, for all the reasons I've outlined. And as for "partner":rolleyes: anyone who thinks that after seven days sounds like they have the relationship experience more suited to a twelve year old than a nineteen year old to me.

she was asking whether she should be worried about the fiancee staying over, not about the age of the guy and the fact he's just out of a LTR...

the problem with what you are saying is that you are implying that she should leave the guy, and she stated explicitly she is unwilling to do that. She needs some other solution that would resolve the finacee problem and does not involve cutting contact with this person.

Barracudaincork

seahorse wrote: »

She came here asking "Should I be worried". My answer to that is a very firm yes, for all the reasons I've outlined. And as for "partner":rolleyes: anyone who thinks that after seven days sounds like they have the relationship experience more suited to a twelve year old than a nineteen year old to me.

I agree that she should be worried, for all the reasons you mentioned.

However, i disagree with your partner comment, i have been called and have called partners my partner in 7 days, granted more so when i was in my late teens or early 20's and the rush of it all gets you swept up in emotions. But i also have in my 30's and im certainly not one to call someone my partner willynilly and have dated people for a few months before I'd say it, but there has been people in my life that i would call partner in 7days and im no 12 year old.

Moomoo1

Danniboo wrote: »

I can just imagine seeing a guy a week and introducing him to people as my partner *cue tumbleweeds*

well, she did just that. Someone is a partner if you think of them as a partner.

Riskymove

Moomoo1 wrote: »

the problem with what you are saying is that you are implying that she should leave the guy, and she stated explicitly she is unwilling to do that. She needs some other solution that would resolve the finacee problem and does not involve cutting contact with this person.

we are giving advice on the situation as we see it though

I think we would be doing a disservice to the OP if we all ignored the obvious issues and did not put our concerns across about them...sometimes people need a prod to have their eyes opened to their situation

Memnoch

seahorse wrote: »

It's a very big problem for her if he's thinking with his penis and nothing else.

You seriously see nothing mentally unhinged about someone asking someone else to move in with them after one weeks intimacy and three weeks after the collapse of an impending marriage? Are you for real?

No, I'm imaginary and in fact a computer construct. There are plenty of places where people get married having spent less time together. And many of them continue to have long, fullfilling and healthy relationships. This might seem out of tune with your pre-conceptions, but they are just that, pre-conceptions.

That she is inexperienced is not in question. I was 19 when I met my OH. It was my first serious relationship. Ten years later, we are still together and happily married. We knew we were madly in love in less than one week of meeting each other. I'm sorry if I don't meet your prearranged ideas of relationship structure and how things are supposed to be.

Maybe he is the one for her, maybe he isn't. You are passing judgement on this person with nothing more than the few scraps the OP has posted and your own preconceptions. You don't know anything about the guy or his situation with his ex. You are drawing the worst possible conclusions from the least possible information.

Her parents, who have met this person and have actually spent time with him, don't seem to have any objections.

While I agree that there are concerns and the OP should think carefully before making any big decisions, they are her decisions to make. I don't agree that telling her to break it off is helpful and I feel it's incredibly judgemental and presumptuous. Now if she comes back and says that he can't offer a satisfactory explanation regarding the ex, or there is some more solid evidence that he is still involved, then that might be a different story.

In any case, there is plenty of advice and opinion on this thread now and it's really up to her what she does.

OP, think carefully and make your decision. My advice would be to hold off on moving in for a couple of weeks at least till you feel you are on surer ground. You are young, enjoy yourself and see how things go. It's your life and only you can decide what's best for you and there is one thing that sea horse said which is very true.

Whatever advice you get from here, in the end, only you will have to deal with the consequences (good or bad) of your decision.

SarahSassy

Memnoch wrote: »

. I was 19 when I met my OH. It was my first serious relationship. Ten years later, we are still together and happily married. We knew we were madly in love in less than one week of meeting each other.

Thats brilliant and a dream come true for many but was he just literally (if even) out of a 12 year relationship in which he was living with someone and planning to marry her... I think its like comparing apples and car engines here unless your OH had a similar history within a similar timescale (i.e. one month)

Moomoo1

Riskymove wrote: »

we are giving advice on the situation as we see it though

I think we would be doing a disservice to the OP if we all ignored the obvious issues and did not put our concerns across about them...sometimes people need a prod to have their eyes opened to their situation

and sometimes they need to be constructively helped and not judged.

Moomoo1

SarahSassy wrote: »

Thats brilliant and a dream come true for many but was he just literally (if even) out of a 12 year relationship in which he was living with someone and planning to marry her... I think its like comparing apples and car engines here unless your OH had a similar history within a similar timescale (i.e. one month)

It's 2 months. But there's no set timescale for this. If there were, people wouldn't be coming on this board in packs saying OMG (s)he found a new partner within DAYS of breaking up with me!!!

I think the issue for the OP isn't whether to stay with the guy or not, it's how to act in the relationship, what sort of things to demand, and what sort of things to let go.

Memnoch

SarahSassy wrote: »

Thats brilliant and a dream come true for many but was he just literally (if even) out of a 12 year relationship in which he was living with someone and planning to marry her... I think its like comparing apples and car engines here unless your OH had a similar history within a similar timescale (i.e. one month)

Right, every situation is different. So let's not be so hasty to pass judgement. It's one thing to tell the OP to slow it down, but to tell her to dump him and for us to accuse him of all sorts of shennanigans without any real evidence seems unfair to me.

SarahSassy

I didnt say that to her but I think people are only trying to protect her and give her the benefit of their experience to be honest...

Memnoch

SarahSassy wrote: »

I didnt say that to her but I think people are only trying to protect her and give her the benefit of their experience to be honest...

Agree. I'm sure everyone here has the best intentions. And while you didn't say it, there have been numerous posts in this thread advising her to up and leave. I just fail to fathom how people can remotely advise someone to terminate their relationship with so little info.

Barracudaincork

Memnoch wrote: »

I just fail to fathom how people can remotely advise someone to terminate their relationship with so little info.

Prob because we havent just been in a relationship for the past 10 years since we were 19 with the same person, we have more relationship experience than someone like that, so we can give the OP the benefit of what we know,as people who have had different relationship experiences.

You see it differently due to your relationship history, which is why some of us cant fathom why you would encourage this relationship.

Its great your posting here, as the OP can then get to see both sides of the coin and hopefully make a more informed decision.

Danniboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

well, she did just that. Someone is a partner if you think of them as a partner.

Do they not get a say in that?

And if this is all some grand romantic gesture and love at first at sight and the guy can't wait for them to live together, why on earth would he be making her pay him a deposit?

Boskowski

Listen guys. You're giving shocking advice IMHO.

You're projecting all your very own issues and experiences onto this and forget of all the restrictions such an online forum has.

Which is basically you guys knowing sfa about the actual circumstances and characters involved. And yet you don't hesitate to be very adamant on how the OP MUST behave because surely this is how things MUST be.

And yet I bet if you guys saw the same basic storyline unfold in a romcom chickflic I bet you be all cooing and aaahing.

Now I'm not saying you should be doing that but I think you should hold on a sec, reflect a moment and be more responsible with your 'advice'.

Please use words like 'by the sound of it you want to be careful about...' or 'to me there may be a danger of...' instead of 'Police!!!', 'Run, Run, Run'. Because that just ain't good advice, that's just crazy stuff if you think about it.

Babooshka

notagain! wrote: »

Hi,
been seeing a guy for a week or so (i'm 19, he's 31). He was engaged until recently and broke up with his fiance in November.

Memnoch wrote: »

The fact that this guy is now 31 and was with his ex for 12 years means he started going out with her when he was 19. How many modern Irish guys committed to a 12 year relationship at 19? (not saying he knew it would last that long), but the fact that it did says a lot..

Lads you're all getting confused. The original poster didn't say her new fella was with his ex since he was 19. Read her post again. She's 19 and he's 31.

Anyhow I'd have to agree with most people in saying it sounds like a very unsafe bet for you. You're 19, you say the furthest you have gone is a fumble before this. Don't you want to know the first guy you are having a sexual relationship with hasn't just broken up with someone he was going to marry? Yes it could work out, long shots are still possible. But in the majority of situations, he's going to have a lot more life experience than you, and no matter who you are, that's going to make a huge difference to you both anyway whether you're both madly in love or not, enough difference to split you up quite quickly.

I'd advise you to meet someone else. You've loads of time and opportunity. You'll get over him soon enough no matter what your heart seems to be telling you right now.

Barracudaincork

realcam wrote: »

Listen guys. You're giving shocking advice IMHO.

You're projecting all your very own issues and experiences onto this and forget of all the restrictions such an online forum has.

Which is basically you guys knowing sfa about the actual circumstances and characters involved. And yet you don't hesitate to be very adamant on how the OP MUST behave because surely this is how things MUST be.

And yet I bet if you guys saw the same basic storyline unfold in a romcom chickflic I bet you be all cooing and aaahing.

Now I'm not saying you should be doing that but I think you should hold on a sec, reflect a moment and be more responsible with your 'advice'.

Please use words like 'by the sound of it you want to be careful about...' or 'to me there may be a danger of...' instead of 'Police!!!', 'Run, Run, Run'. Because that just ain't good advice, that's just crazy stuff if you think about it.

and your advice for the OP would be???????????

I have to say if they trailer of aforementioned romcom had any of what the OP posted in it, i would have to watch the movie "a la Clockwork Orange", so it would appear you too think how things must be!

Boskowski

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I have to say if they trailer of aforementioned romcom had any of what the OP posted in it, i would have to watch the movie "a la Clockwork Orange", so it would appear you too think how things must be!

I just read the OP again and I still wonder where you're getting that from?

The OP is not giving me the impression of her being on fairytale land or anything. She clearly states don't give her the naivety speech, she knows what she wants and who she wants. For all I know she may well be in the driving seat here.

Anyway. I'm not going into that.

What I'm saying is that all she gives us is a few paragraphs of text with precious little detail. We don't know her, we don't know the guy, we don't know the circumstances.

I can tell you guys from my experience that I'd be very careful to give strong relationship advice even to people which I seemingly know for years, let alone strong relationship advice based on a little description of circumstances in an online forum. Because things never are as black & white and as simple as they may seem. Especially since the OP didn't put emphasis on that in her text. She's not wondering about her being taken for a ride or anything. She wants him. Period.
What she wants to know is if it's normal enough to let the ex sleep over the odd time until she has her new place sorted or does that mean they're still at it. And my answer to that would be: They may well be and its hard to tell from the distance but if you just ended a 12 year relationship and had a somewhat amicable break-up, would you put your ex on the street? Would you think of him as more of a boyfriend material if he actually did that?

Anyway

To take these few snippets of information and give a 19 year old advice with regards to immediate break-up and I quote 'Run, Run, Run' is just irresponsible. Just because you and me had the odd bad one over the years we mustn't ruin everybody else's life by projecting our own fears you know.

And I'm not saying what the negativity side here says is not true. It may well be. But we don't know for sure, not even with reasonable probability. Certainly not well enough to be adamant about "demanding" a life changing decision from someone else. What we should do instead is help her to be careful and help her to make her own decision. Not to make the decision for her, especially not based on the little information we have.