Boyfriend slept with someone else

LegacyUser

I really don't know where to start here.

Been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We've had a massive year. Huge health scares, me losing my job and us moving in together.

I moved to his place (the other side of the country) in September initially. We lived well together but due to pressures with a new job and the start of my boyfriend's depression, things went downhill and I moved back. I moved back again at the start of December and within a week he said he wasn't sure if he loved me or not. So I had to move again.

Over the Christmas, it transpired that he did love me. He was battling depression, didn't know what he wanted at the time and didn't know his own mind. He said that he would do all it took to repair the damage to our relationship and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I moved back again on Sunday due to him getting counselling and also organising joint counselling for us both.

Imagine my surprise when last night, he told me that he slept with a good female friend over Christmas. He had previously mentioned to me before that he used to fancy her so I was always a little bit threatened by it. So it was the worst person he could have chosen. Not only that but they did it in our bed. He never changed the sheets and I have been sleeping in their sex sheets for the past 2 weeks.

He proclaims that he loves me and that we were broken up. He didn't know what he wanted and he does now. Even though, he had told me when we broke up that he needed space to work on himself, that he loved me and couldn't say it was the end for good. What gets me is that on new years eve, we went to a wedding together. All of his group of friends who were at it knew about him sleeping with the friend except for me. I even went and spoke to her for ages, trying to make an effort and deal with the fact that I was a bit jealous of her. All the while, he had slept with her the week before.

He says that he didn't plan on telling me as he was too scared. But I cant believe that he would allow me to move back here and say nothing.

I can't trust him. Last night it transpires that he was sleeping with a girl for 3 months and broke up with her for me. He told me at the time that it was just a random kiss on nights out and that he never slept with her. So he lied about that too.

Also - he has his ex's name saved under his friend's name in his phone. He told me last night that he talks to her once or twice a month. He hid this from me too.

I am absolutely devastated. I cant believe that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is a disgusting liar.

I cannot think outside of my own head here. I have to move back again. I've no job. I've no home. I'm just a complete mess.

Thoughts?

Chocolate Dots

He seems to be lying a good bit. Don't other with him anymore. You need to spend longer time with people to see if you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with them.

__plec__

sounds like he has no idea what he wants,and maybe is using the depression as an excuse.Even if it is genuine,its messing up your life so id advise getting well out.On the other hand at least he told you all these things,although im sure after hearing them, trust will be a very hard thing to give him.Id get out of it,give it a few months,and then see where his 'head' is if you still want to give it a go.Sometimes space is the best thing you can give a relationship.It gives you the 'stepped back' view which is always alot clearer than being in the centre of it all,which is usually way too intense for clarity.From what you just said,staying will just make you paronoid and totally mess with your mind,and who needs that.

Hope this helps,best of luck with your decision

Shivers26

Pretty much went through something similar myself. Obviously the relationship had to end. We were together almost 5 years, had a home, a child and both had decent jobs so we were doing alright and I genuinely thought we were happy. He still cheated on me and broke my heart.

If you want to register and PM me I can chat to you more.

What I would say is that you do not deserve this. You need to get out of it. How could you ever trust him again? Get your family and friends around you. There are people out there who love you and will be there for you. Its only a couple of months since I went through all of this and already I feel like a new person but a couple of months ago I though my world was going to end.

LegacyUser

Hi.
Your post could have been written about my ex and his antics. He broke it off then when it was only off a few weeks he wanted me back, I went back. this happened twice.

Fair enough your man might be depressed, but he is lying a lot to you. He doesn't know what he wants so I feel you shouldn't be with him waiting for him to decide what he wants.

With my ex when we did get back together after a few weeks I realised nothing much had changed. He was all for the relationship when we got back together but after a few weeks we'd be back to square one. When it was off he thought he wanted it on.

Nothing much can have changed with your man in less than a month. He wanted space and when he got it he didn't want that either. you can't keep moving in and moving out because he doesn't know what he wants.

I think you should leave him to it. Get on with your own life. If I had stayed with my ex it would still be the same today. on/off, I couldn't trust him after all his lies/deceit. I owed it to myself to get out. I won't lie, it was hard to break up because I loved him but too much of his s*** got in the way and i couldn't trust him. he was texting this other girl and meeting up with her. If I mentioned her name he would get all defensive. found out after we broke up that he had been seeing her behind my back. It's too hard to keep going out with someone you don't trust. every day is a battle

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Xterminator

OP what do YOU want to happen here?

It is not okay that your partner slept with an acquaintance, even if you were technically broke up (in his mind).

But do you want to try to mend this relationship? Is it worth trying to save? Only you can decide this.

Looking at the replies already posted, it seems some contributors on boards do carry some personal emotional baggage which colours their advice. i wouldn't presume to know your situation so well that i could make that decision for you.

It is possible to recover from this situation, but not easy.

If you decide to try working it out (possibly with counselling), then one of the obvious conditions would be that he severs all ties with this 'friend'.

good luck

X

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.

He has severed ties with the friend. She texted him last night as he removed her from Facebook. She was very annoyed and he said that he couldn't be friends with her anymore. That I came first and that the massive mistake they made had caused major problems for us. He told her he'd stop at nothing to get me back.

He has offered to pay for counselling, move out of this house (which is totally tainted for me now), rent somewhere in the city with me which he'l pay for.

He says that he doesn't care about anything but me. That even if I decide months down the line to tell him to f*ck off, he wants me to have a home. He wants me to get going on the business that i'm currently setting up.

That's all great but I can't stop picturing them together. It's been one thing after another with him. I love him with all my heart. But i'm so afraid if I go back, something like this will happen again. Or something of equivalent destruction and pain.

I just don't know what to do.

anucksunamun

Try think of this as if this was your friend, and this is what she was telling you, what advice would you give her? IMHO I personally would remove myself completely from this situation for a while, try to think clearly and concisely about YOU want. Do you believe you could ever forget that he had slept with this woman? Let alone forgive him enough to be able to get past it? Do you believe any excuse whatsoever actually excuses his behavior up to this point? Do you think you could ever touch him again, without thinking that she has touched him like this? Or look into his eyes and feel the deep love you felt for him, and not contempt and anger over what he's done? Only you know the answers. Good luck to you and I hope you make the decision that suits you best.

humanji

anucksunamun wrote: »

Try think of this as if this was your friend, and this is what she was telling you, what advice would you give her? IMHO I personally would remove myself completely from this situation for a while, try to think clearly and concisely about YOU want. Do you believe you could ever forget that he had slept with this woman? Let alone forgive him enough to be able to get past it? Do you believe any excuse whatsoever actually excuses his behavior up to this point? Do you think you could ever touch him again, without thinking that she has touched him like this? Or look into his eyes and feel the deep love you felt for him, and not contempt and anger over what he's done? Only you know the answers. Good luck to you and I hope you make the decision that suits you best.

+1 to this. If it was a friend what would you tell them?

And remember, all those things he promised, he promised because he wants you to stay. That doesn't mean he'll deliver on these promises. He could just be telling you what he wants you to hear.

Barracudaincork

OP, i know this is gonna be hard to hear but i really dont feel that this relationship is a positive healthy one. I found myself shaking my head at various points in your post some of it was over his lies, some over the fact the bed sheets only get changed every two weeks minimum, and the way he wants to make it up.

He is going so OTT with the making it up, he is not promising something realistic or sustainable IMO. He is promising you the world in the bid to get you back, the whole he will pay rent, he will pay for counselling etc etc However i truly feel this new world will disappear once he gets what he wants ie you back.

As for you picturing them together, you are just destroying your heart and soul by doing this. I know its easy to say stop thinking about it, but if you cant stop then lets be realistic about that night shall we? Chances are sex with a friend isnt going to be as passionate as a one night stand (where you dont care less) or as passionate as sex with someone you fancy the pants off (ie you), the sex very well may have been lousy, unfulfilling and over in 3 mins! We all had sex like this and if the sex was as great as your head may be imagining, he would still be there today...................i know i would be!

kenbrady

Barracudaincork wrote: »

He is going so OTT with the making it up, he is not promising something realistic or sustainable IMO. He is promising you the world in the bid to get you back, the whole he will pay rent, he will pay for counselling etc etc However i truly feel this new world will disappear once he gets what he wants ie you back.

He is saying he will do anything, to get you back. You might think this is great, he really loves me. But in actual fact, he only cares about himself and what he wants. Has he asked you what you want or how you feel ? That would show that he really cares about you.

This girl is a friend of his, yea he said he cut her out. But she will never disappear if she is part of his social circle. Can you imagine what she and all his friends must have been thinking, when you were over trying to make an effort with her on new years. He said himself he fancied her, now he fancies her and she is the forbidden fruit.

If you can't forgive him without all the crap promises he made. End it now, because it will only tear you apart and rob you of the next few year. That you spend with him, hoping it will work.

Kimia

I'm sorry OP about your situation it's so so horrible. I would literally vomit if my boyfriend told me i'd been sleeping on sheets that he had had sex with another women in.

I really don't think you can get over this. Seriously.

SarahSassy

Kimia wrote: »

I'm sorry OP about your situation it's so so horrible. I would literally vomit if my boyfriend told me i'd been sleeping on sheets that he had had sex with another women in.

This is absolutley vile and how ignorant and selfish is he not even to change the sheets - manky.

You deserve so much better. Who says you need counselling - sounds to me that he is the only one who needs it!! Dont be dragged down by this guy. he lies, he disrespects and in all reality there is little chance he wont be in touch with her given they used to be friends.

Peggypeg

Reading your post I was just thinking it was a joke!! How in the name of god could you go back to someone that threats you like that? Have you no pride? How could he let you chat away to her on New Years knowing he'd sleep with her in YOUR bed? That is so humiliating, his friends must have been in stitches looking at you. I'm sorry I'm being so harsh but you sound like a total doormat. He has depression, well boo bloody hoo! That doesn't excuse him treating you like sh*t, worse than sh*t in fact, at least when you're done with it you flush, not keep bringing it back. Seriously OP, if I were you and I realised that I was willing to settle for a lying, cheating, manipulative b*stard I would be going to counselling, but not with him. You should go alone because you need to figure out how you have such low self esteem, no one should ever ever ever allow themselves to be treated like that. If my bf had done even one of those things I wouldn't even slap him, I wouldn't lower myself to even touch him, he would just never see me again EVER, I wouldn't even hang around to explain it to him. Seriously OP you are in for a life of sh*t and heart break with that guy. Get out now!!! I really hope you're not back on here every month moaning about how you're boyfriend threats you because I'll have very little pity if you are.

Barracudaincork

Peggypeg wrote: »

Reading your post I was just thinking it was a joke!! How in the name of god could you go back to someone that threats you like that? Have you no pride? How could he let you chat away to her on New Years knowing he'd sleep with her in YOUR bed? That is so humiliating, his friends must have been in stitches looking at you. I'm sorry I'm being so harsh but you sound like a total doormat. He has depression, well boo bloody hoo! That doesn't excuse him treating you like sh*t, worse than sh*t in fact, at least when you're done with it you flush, not keep bringing it back. Seriously OP, if I were you and I realised that I was willing to settle for a lying, cheating, manipulative b*stard I would be going to counselling, but not with him. You should go alone because you need to figure out how you have such low self esteem, no one should ever ever ever allow themselves to be treated like that. If my bf had done even one of those things I wouldn't even slap him, I wouldn't lower myself to even touch him, he would just never see me again EVER, I wouldn't even hang around to explain it to him. Seriously OP you are in for a life of sh*t and heart break with that guy. Get out now!!! I really hope you're not back on here every month moaning about how you're boyfriend threats you because I'll have very little pity if you are.

WOW that all is a bit harsh alright, esp the doormat part, we all were at some points in our life a doormat and its only with experience we learn not to be, you are obviously on the other side of this experience.

Without the harsh element your post is spot on and OP really should listen to what you have to say!

littlefriend

Devastated wrote: »

Also - he has his ex's name saved under his friend's name in his phone.

This is what really distinguishes him as a complete liar to me. It is so premeditated and calculated and wrong.

If you spend the rest of your life with him you will be miserable, with little or no self esteem, possibly lose your friends and spend your time worrying continuously.

In all probability you are not going to end up with him so what is the point in putting yourself through all of his bull**** when you are going to break up in the end anyway. Don't do it to yourself. Don't make your family & friends have to watch you live in misery because of some asshole who will only ever think of himself.

Just a thought - are you addicted to the drama of the whole thing? You know the big highs and the lows, he can't live without you and he'll do anything to make you happy [except act like an adult or treat you properly] etc, etc.

He severed all ties with his friend yet he is still having a conversation with her? How does that one work? He removed her from facebook [wow, what a statement, how brave of him!!??] but was ok letting you spend a night in her company in front of his friends who all knew that he slept with her in your on/off bed.

He cares about you so much that he'll move anywhere with you and wants to be sure 'you to have a home' - yep seems like it, he has already gotten to you move across the country for him, then move out , got you to move back in again, then got you to leave again, got you to move back in a THIRD time only to tell you that he slept with his friend that he fancies in your on/off bed.

Listen, do yourself a favour and get away from this person. He is NOT WORTH IT and people like that NEVER CHANGE. Don't ruin yourself over somebody like that.

Peggypeg

Hey,

Me again. I'm sorry I was so harsh in that earlier post but I really wanted to lay it all out on the table in the plainest possible terms to make you look at how that person has treated you and to be quite honest I got very wound up reading your OP. I'm really am sorry if I upset you.

Honestly sweetie, there is someone out there who will treat you and love you the way you deserve but that guy is NOT the one.

sajama

OP the previous posters are right - this is not just about the fact he slept with her - it's about saving her number under another friends name, about the fact that he didn't even bother to change the sheets, about all his other friends knowing about it and him letting you make an effort to talk to her, about how he's stringing you along making you move in and out of the house - he is completely thinking about himself the whole time and you deserve someone so much better than that!!

As hard as it may be, when you felt that he was "the one" etc, seriously, do NOT believe anything else he promises you at this stage. He had is chance with you. In fact, he had multiple chances with you. He has proven that he doesn't deserve you. Please don't go back to him - he has put you through enough already.

SarahSassy

And depression is no reason for the way he behaved so dont feel sorry for him and guilted into going back to him

littlefriend

SarahSassy wrote: »

And depression is no reason for the way he behaved so dont feel sorry for him and guilted into going back to him

+1. So true.

You know you need to dump him. You are worth so much more. Don't waste your lovely self.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, i want to post on this thread in order to possibly salvage something from our relationship.

The way i have treated you is utterly reprehensible and rotten. I have read every post so far in this thread and cannot disagree with the majority of what has been said. I have not a leg to stand on in relation to the way i've treated you. Somebody said on this thread that i have no idea what i want, and that was true during the month of December. I was massively on a rebound from from being falsely diagnosed with a fatal disease and was not in any position to stay in the relationship.

I was not able to escape from my own head, and could not see outside myself, everybody else was the problem, when in fact it was me that was the problem. I have lied and acted with total cowardice in relation to many aspects of our relationship. I have put you through a living hell. My selfishness and total lack of scruples have absolutely messed you up more then i can even possibly see, even though i can physically see the effect this sorry mess, that i have created, has had on you.

We have discussed this over the past three days at length and i do not deserve to have you back. This is not a statement announcing that i'm going to retreat into a world of self pity, its a simple fact. Over the past year we've had many conversations in relation to how our relationship should go. At the bedrock of this, you said truth was key in every aspect of us. If we were to work, everything should be out in the table and i have failed in every aspect of this.

I have been cowardly in my inability to own up to the truth. This has affected every aspect of my life, not just this relationship. I am not going to fall into the old trap of self pity, or poor old me etc etc, neither am i going to say i can change and all that old crap. Actions speak louder then words, but unfortunately my actions over the last while paint a fairly fcuking lousy picture. I have offered to name you on a mortgage (with no financial strings attached), pay for rent in a new apartment that we could move into and help you with setting up your new business. At the end of this i do not expect a relationship with you, i do not deserve it. I do not do this out of guilt, and i am not promising the world in order to get you back, as some of the members of the Jilted Lovers Bleeding Heart Brigade have mentioned on this thread. Fair is fair, i want you to get your life back, and if you choose to include me in it i would be delighted, if you told me to get stuffed, i'd be devastated, but tough sh1t on me.

If there is a chance we can get this back working again, i would be absolutely ecstatic, but this is dependent on me being able to prove to you through my actions that i have changed. In the course of our year together i have changed totally as a person, so you have seen that i have that capability to change. Again, words are not enough however, my actions in the past speak a lot louder then what i can say about the future.

You do not deserve to be treated as you have, the two basic fundamentals of love and respect were sadly absent for some aspects, and i will never forgive myself for what i have put you through.

Running concurrent with this is obviously the impact this has had on you emotionally particularly in relation to trust and intimacy. If there ever was a chance we got back on track, i'd have a lot of work to regain any semblance of what we once had.

I'm attending counseling to sort out my issues, gone on medication and have arranged relationship counseling also for us to attend. Personally i have to sort out my inability to tell the truth and together we can hopefully salvage something from this. I totally disagree with the adage that a leopard never changes its spots, as espoused by some of the great minds on this thread. My propensity to change is only matched by my desire to make this up to you. My actions have been totally fcuking lousy, the option is there for you to take advantage of my offer fully regardless of commitment to me, and then tell me to piss off, or perhaps stay and we can try and work it out.

My only observation on everything i've written here is that i've talked largely about myself, perhaps another indication of my selfish nature and thats where the problem lies.....

Karmas a bitch and i deserve anything i get.

Kimia

Apt name wrote: »

Karmas a bitch and i deserve anything i get.

Ain't that the truth.

Edit: OP do not listen to this manipulative crap. He let you sleep in his sex sheets!!! :eek::eek::eek: AND he made an absolute fool out of you letting you go up and talk and (shudders with rage) with the girl he had sex with in YOUR bed one week previous! :eek::mad::mad:

OH THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!!!!

Wibbs

Lets chill the beans and step back here folks. Did he f*ck up? Ohhhh yes. On a few levels. The subterfuge was bad enough, but not having the cop on to not do it in the gaff and bed he and the GF shared and then bring her to a wedding knowing the bit on the side wuld be their and all the others would know and his GF would be in the dark? Sweet zombie j... I mean WTF. Thick and selfish. Clearly he wasnt thinking. Its easy to say "oh well I would never do that *sniff*", but we're all only human, so unless your name is Mr Christ or Mr Buddha....

So OK we agree he's a dick. Hell he agrees he was a dick. BUT if one of us here hasnt been a dick in their lives, then come back to me in 10 years time. I know I have. More than once.

So what next? Speaking to the OP's ex/BF, Personal counseling good and fair play. Ditto with the meds to hopefully balance you out. Relationship counseling good too if both agree. Ive know couples to survive worse guff in my time. If both are willing to work beyond it.

To the OP. If you want this to work, then forget about him. In the sense that you cant be his keeper. You have to look to yourself and if that includes him in your life then tip top. Go for it. When you are centered in yourself, decisions about others become soooo much easier. The ability to decide between, "no this is too much" or "yes Im willing to work through this" is more honed. The feelings of love and loss all too often blind what is right for us. In more ways than just this situation too. Its a rock many perish on, or worse become seethingly mundane on.

Take a break. Take a step back. Breathe. Listen to your internal calm minds and see where each others actions take you and good luck.

My 3 cents anyway

Kimia

Sorry Wibbs, lost the head there a bit. But wow, in my own opinion, I just couldn't forgive something of this magnitude. And I do feel like he's waffling just a little bit to try and dazzle her with apologies. I don't know - noone does - it's your call OP. It'll be tough but who said life was easy. Best of luck.

Kicks

May be regarded as off topic so apologies but before more mistakes are made in your relationship may I suggest since both of you seem to be conversing through a message board you stop and actually speak to each other - sorry to those maybe wanting to hear what these two would be talking about but I think asking for advice is one thing but now airing both of your opinions out towards each other here is not good.

Wibbs

Kicks wrote: »

May be regarded as off topic so apologies but before more mistakes are made in your relationship may I suggest since both of you seem to be conversing through a message board you stop and actually speak to each other - sorry to those maybe wanting to hear what these two would be talking about but I think asking for advice is one thing but now airing both of your opinions out towards each other here is not good.

Quoted for truth. Now its in the open in black and white, I agree with Kicks that the time may be right to bring it back to the personal private realm?

littlefriend

@kicks - That is kind of what I meant about drama addicts.

Anyway, top advice as ever from Wibbs. I really hope the OP can do what he suggests. Think of yourself here.

@Apt Name - What is your motivation for the following comments:
'as some of the members of the Jilted Lovers Bleeding Heart Brigade have mentioned on this thread.'
'as espoused by some of the great minds on this thread.'

I think that they display a different side from that which you are trying to portray in your post. The way they are kind of slipped in to your flowery apology makes me uncomfortable. Its like they way you had that girls number saved under a different name makes me more uncomfortable than the fact that you had a one night stand with her.

I think you are manipulating your girlfriend with all of your promises and apologies. Maybe you should give her some space if you love her so much? How could she possible think straight at the moment or come to any decision as to what to do if you are promising her everything that she has wanted from you all along. At the same time I think you don't even realise you are doing this.

For sure, counseling is a great idea. Maybe you need time out too in order to realise if you are ready for this relationship. Perhaps all this stuff is knee jerk reaction to the shock that maybe you've lost someone you love. Some space for both of you would really help I think.

Wibbs

Just to add..

Apt name wrote: »

Over the past year we've had many conversations in relation to how our relationship should go.

I know this may not be the fashionable thing to say these days. The "lets talk about this" about every damn thing. IMHO sod talking. Well in the sense that all too often people just talk and talk and bloody talk(I see the irony so feck off ) without doing or learning from the talking. Conversation is vital, but only when its required. Just do it. Only talk when you actually need to talk. You will find looking back which bit of talking actually mattered. Even with all this talk here you both are.

My only observation on everything i've written here is that i've talked largely about myself, perhaps another indication of my selfish nature and thats where the problem lies.....

We are ALL selfish. Self centered anyway. Ive yet to meet a man or woman who wasn't when you look at it objectively. Some are worse some are better, but in the end of the day the only internal voice you have and the only life you lead is your own. So dial back the self flagellation there and look at the bits where you should have been thinking outside yourself.

Karmas a bitch and i deserve anything i get.

Again ditto re the self flagellation. Oh its a nice oul feedback loop the oul woe is me. It is a kind of comfort, just like the karma notion. Its not a particularly healthy one though. You screwed up royally. You should learn from that. Self pity is or should be only 10% of that knowledge. And that 10% should be the coal in the furnace of change for the better.

MissFlitworth

littlefriend wrote: »

@Apt Name - What is your motivation for the following comments:
'as some of the members of the Jilted Lovers Bleeding Heart Brigade have mentioned on this thread.'
'as espoused by some of the great minds on this thread.'

I think that they display a different side from that which you are trying to portray in your post. The way they are kind of slipped in to your flowery apology makes me uncomfortable. Its like they way you had that girls number saved under a different name makes me more uncomfortable than the fact that you had a one night stand with her.

+1

Peggypeg

Wow!!! I mean seriously!! Talk about eloquent!! He managed to make it all sound so simple I mean all you have to do is forgive him; moving you in and out and in and out and in and out and sleeping with a girl he fancies (who he's still talking to), in your bed, then bringing you to a party she's at and letting you talk to her in front of all of his friends, let's not forget not washing the sheets, and what you get in return for your forgiveness? He'll try harder! The fact he's so eloquent works against him for me, the fact he can analyze his behaviour and try to somehow excuse his behaviour all makes me think you need to RUN! Get the hell away from him before he can talk you around and dazzle you with his flowery language. Talk about manipulative!!!

To the boyfriend, GUESS what? I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease, only in my case it was the correct diagnosis, and guess what? it didn't make me cheat on my boyfriend or treat him like something I found on my shoe, or ask him to move in and out and in and out and in and out, nor did it make me sleep with another man in OUR bed and let my bf sleep in the same bed. None of your lame excuses, while very upsetting, excuses even one of the things you've done and you don't deserve forgiveness. If you were truly sorry for being the selfish monster you have been you would tell the girl you'll see her in a year and then you would go and do you counselling yourself and work on being a better human being. You have shown a lack of compassion, love, respect, kindness and consideration for the OP to an almost sociopathic level. Now you can call me part of whatever brigade you want but I'm in a very healthy and happy relationship for the past 3 years, one based on love, respect and truth, as others on this thread seem to have also, so maybe take our advice? If you're really and truly sorry, sort yourself out before you attempt to be part of a relationship with this woman again. You've shown to a laughable extent how NOT ready to be in a relationship you are, an appointment or two won't fix you so why even chance hurting the OP even more? Give it at LEAST a year but like I said before I don't think you deserve her forgiveness no matter how much you think you love her. To be honest I don't think you love her, I think you like watching her jump through hoops and humiliating her to give yourself an ego boost. I think your actions show that very very clearly.

Whatever you both decide I hope it turns out for you and that you end up happy.

ergo

To OP: tough situation : my intial reaction similar to most -one of horror at what he has done to you and the little details like the bed/sheets etc will make it all th emore difficult to get past

the reason I'm posting is just to advise that, well, imho I think it's a very bad idea to let your bf/ex rent you a place/finance a business or whatever that was - I think the best thing to do would be to cut ties for a while (probably completely) and that includes financially

my initial reaction was similar to most but, to play devil's advocate, I know of at least 2 close friends who have cheated (just with one person mind you) on their current wives/fiancees at one point, way back in the relationship (but at the same time, a year or 2 into the relationship)

now, I have never cheated and never plan to but my friends who cheated,well, I'd be 99% certain they will never cheat again. When I was younger I used to believe "once a cheater, always etc"...Now I see things aren't that black and white

so maybe you could salvage something but time completely apart may be the best thing

LegacyUser

Apt name I think you should do the OP a massive favour and let her be free to get on with her life and not try to be in it. Youve done nothing but make her miserable and your're actually going to destroy her I believe. Whats with have her toing and froing like a yoyo to live with you and then to move out again? If you couldn't get it together before and behave like a human being then why can you now? Plenty of people are ill and they manage to not suck the life and soul out of someone else and smash them to bits.

Let her go, sort yourself out and then after a long long time has passed then think about maybe having a relationship with someone. Your not fit for a relationship as it is and the only thing it seems you have to offer is your finances. You don't even seem to be capable of just not doing horrible things in the first place.

Motley Crue

Devastated wrote: »

Not only that but they did it in our bed. He never changed the sheets and I have been sleeping in their sex sheets for the past 2 weeks.?

Get rid of him

LegacyUser

im going through this just with the last 2 days,, believe me when i tell you to get rid of him,, ive only realised it myself now and its like a truck has hit me!!!!

he lied to me all through our relationship about stupid things and terrible things (to me it dosent matter, lies are lies) and im not even going to get into all the crap i discovered at the weekend,,

I realise now that i have been a fool to have stayed so long, and that I LET HIM do this to me,,, but i promise you now i will never ever do this to myself again and neither should you,, we deserve more,, and HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!

I havent contacted him to tell him how i feel i have just cut contact,,, (he actually dosent even deserve it - trust me),,,

please move on with your life as i am only now doing too,, was with him for 4 years so we were very serious,,,

Taltos

Summarised with edits.
1. With bf = 1 year
2. Crap year for both - health / job / stress from moving in together / cross country
3. BF's depression
4. Moved back out across country
5. Moved back beginning of December
6. Moved out again (2nd time) 1 week later - "not sure if I love you..."
7. Moved back in again - turns out he does love you - just fighting depression and spoiler:

wandering mickey

; getting counsellng - even joint because you clearly need to work on the relationship too...
8. Truth came out - slept with friend he as fancied for a while, ah - this is why the joint counselling is important - get that now...
9. Slept in YOUR bed & didn't even change the sheets - classy
10. But.. he still loves you - aww
11. Need space while you were broken up - so he rushed this girl he fancied right back home, yup - see the space there.
12. In the meantime you went to a wedding, made an effort to talk to her - mend bridges - while all his mates watched on agog - must have felt like Emmerdale for them. - But did they really know or are you guessing? And if they did know - who told them???
13. He then admitted he didn't want to tell you cause he was scared...
14. Also admitted to past cheating history - how you got together. At least now your card is marked - so don't be surprised.
15. Saved ex's under a friends name - not the woman he slept with while you were on a break - but his ex...

Apt name wrote: »

Discarded for the self-serving manipulating tripe that I feel this to be

Op - I have just summarized your first post - not the rest of the replies from anyone else with a bit of tinkering.
Read it or your first post slowly.
Then imagine your life in 10yrs with this guy - still guilt'ing you about being depressed and sure the latest fling meant nothing - while you with a brood of squalling children are trapped at home.

Now - think back to when you were younger - is this really the life you imagined for yourself?
Or did you imagine meeting someone who respects and loves you as much as you love and respect them???

RUN!

paperclip2

Taltos wrote: »

Summarised with edits.
1. With bf = 1 year...
...

...Now - think back to when you were younger - is this really the life you imagined for yourself?
Or did you imagine meeting someone who respects and loves you as much as you love and respect them???

RUN!

+1
Great post.

OP to get the clearest picture of how someone will behave in the future look at how they behaved in the past. Words are very easy, its the actions that make the difference and do the damage.
Your ex has a a great deal of work to do in re-establishing trust. The safest place for you to be while he does this is away from him. If he is serious about wanting a relationship with you, he will work on figuring out why he acted /acts the way he has and in genuinely changing his behaviour and attitude. But you will need to see evidence of this change and that will take time.
Don't be rushed, pressured or argued into something you aren't entirely happy with. Take care.

username123

OP - you get what you settle for.
If you take him back, after all this, it sends the message that he can do what he likes - cos you'll take him back when nthe drama calms down.

His post was extremely interesting, its rare to see such an eloquent example of manipulation in action. Also the false promises (name you on a mortgage with no financial strings - Im afraid you would be legally liable for any mortgage youre named on). All about him, and all about how he will change - talk is cheap, actions speak a whole heap louder than words and his actions shouted from the rooftops.

Saving someones phone number under a different name is very cold, a little insight into how his mind works. Not changing the sex sheets is just plain manky. Im sure hs friends were totally uncomfortable at the wedding ye were at- this is how this person treats his own friends, just expects them to fall in with his unfaithfullness and say nothing!!

Dont go back to him, its a life of misery if you do - you deserve so much more than that.

Devastated

Devastated wrote: »

I really don't know where to start here.

Been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We've had a massive year. Huge health scares, me losing my job and us moving in together.

I moved to his place (the other side of the country) in September initially. We lived well together but due to pressures with a new job and the start of my boyfriend's depression, things went downhill and I moved back. I moved back again at the start of December and within a week he said he wasn't sure if he loved me or not. So I had to move again.

Over the Christmas, it transpired that he did love me. He was battling depression, didn't know what he wanted at the time and didn't know his own mind. He said that he would do all it took to repair the damage to our relationship and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I moved back again on Sunday due to him getting counselling and also organising joint counselling for us both.

Imagine my surprise when last night, he told me that he slept with a good female friend over Christmas. He had previously mentioned to me before that he used to fancy her so I was always a little bit threatened by it. So it was the worst person he could have chosen. Not only that but they did it in our bed. He never changed the sheets and I have been sleeping in their sex sheets for the past 2 weeks.

He proclaims that he loves me and that we were broken up. He didn't know what he wanted and he does now. Even though, he had told me when we broke up that he needed space to work on himself, that he loved me and couldn't say it was the end for good. What gets me is that on new years eve, we went to a wedding together. All of his group of friends who were at it knew about him sleeping with the friend except for me. I even went and spoke to her for ages, trying to make an effort and deal with the fact that I was a bit jealous of her. All the while, he had slept with her the week before.

He says that he didn't plan on telling me as he was too scared. But I cant believe that he would allow me to move back here and say nothing.

I can't trust him. Last night it transpires that he was sleeping with a girl for 3 months and broke up with her for me. He told me at the time that it was just a random kiss on nights out and that he never slept with her. So he lied about that too.

Also - he has his ex's name saved under his friend's name in his phone. He told me last night that he talks to her once or twice a month. He hid this from me too.

I am absolutely devastated. I cant believe that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is a disgusting liar.

I cannot think outside of my own head here. I have to move back again. I've no job. I've no home. I'm just a complete mess.

Thoughts?

Taltos is so right. He sounds like he has alot of issues. GET OUT FAST!
He'll hurt you again.
He is a self destructive human being.
He needs to be on his own and get counseling himself before he can be involved in a committed relationship

Dragon_fly

OP, you've really had your fair share of misery!

I've also been in a serious relationship with a guy suffering with depression.

After a year's constant mind-changing, he picked the 'love you not' petal and I was (a) worn out from the rollercoaster of it all, but (b) distraught at a future without him. I get why you're posting: at the time, I canvassed friends' opinions but secretly didn't want to hear all the 'run' and 'lucky escape' comments!

IMO, of course people with depression can overcome it, lead healthy lives and have nurturing relationship. But when someone's basic behaviour is at odds with their ability to live meaningful lives (sabotaging their relationships etc) then it's obvious they haven't moved forward and can't meet YOUR emotional needs, let alone their own.

I agree with previous posters: it's not about him now, it's about you - minding yourself & being kind to yourself until the shadows lift...and your head stops replaying every single conversation you've had with him. Take care.

LegacyUser

Dear all,

Just thought i'd give you all an update on things.

Well I didn't leave. I listened to no-one. I put myself through another 4 months of utter nonsense.

None of the things he said he'd do ever materialised. My name was not put on the deeds, I paid for half the counselling and we rented a place in the city which we both paid for.

Things got worse - he got severely p1ssed off with me for bringing this stuff up. I couldn't get past it. his excuses were so lame. His attempts to save the relationship were so lame. Things got physical on a few occasions. on both sides.

I wish I could have seen the truth and i wish I had have listened to you all. But I was clearly lacking any form of self esteem and loved this guy so much that I was desperate to believe all he told me.

After the whole thing happened, I went and was with someone else. I thought this might help me get over what he'd done. But it didn't. Cos I told him I was gonna do it. So there was no deceit on my part. But he has since held that against me.

I could never win in the relationship. Towards the end, everything was my fault. From his personal problems to his stress. All 'my' issue.

I now see the relationship for what it was - a complete and utter pointless endurance test. I have moved back to my hometown, have gotten a job and have the most amazing friends who are helping me through this. I will never ever settle for such horrific treatment again. And of course, i'm seeing a counsellor for my obvious lack of esteem.

What hurts the most is that he's swanning around without a care in the world. And i put myself through all this - for what? He is without doubt, the most self centered person on the planet.

I have read this thread a lot over the past few months for strength. Thanks to all who posted. And i'm glad i'm finally listening to your advice.xxx

Taltos

Thanks for letting us know how things turned out.

Don't beat yourself up about making the "wrong" choice - there is never a right / wrong decision here - no matter what you decided it was going to put you through the ringer.

At least you can always say you tried your hardest. You did everything in your power to save the relationship. Yes maybe you knew it was futile - but you tried your damnest. That takes guts.
I for one would not have the strength to do what you did.

It is wonderful to hear though that you are getting your life back on track and have a great circle of friends.
Am sure you will have your rough days - but when they do appear laugh them off - you know you tried your best - that is all we can ask.

As to this tosser... Don't give him a 2nd thought - am a firm believer in karma. Might take years - but there is a balancing action coming his way

muinteoir09

OP,

Good for you! The important thing is to forget about him completely and make the best life you can for yourself. Onward and upward!

ash23

OP, I just read this thread today and I was shaking with rage for you.

I know it is hard but I am absolutely delighted that its ended. That might seem like a polar opposite reaction to how you are feeling right now but trust me, in time you will dance a jig that you got away from him.

Something similar happened to me, him messing around behind my back while bringing me to events she would be at. Lies upon lies and utter sh!te treatment and lack of respect. And I stayed.

The truth all came out in the end and he asked me back and I said no. First time in years I did the right thing.

And it was so so hard to see him swanning around, not a loss on him, telling me how happy he was, how it was the best thing etc etc. He still makes me sick to look at him and he still has that smug air about him. But I'll bide my time for karma to come and bite him squarely in the ass. It will, it's just a matter of time!

In the meantime, that jig I was talking about, well, I'm dancing it daily.

I'm coming up on my 2 year single-versary and I'm planning a party to celebrate. Not an actual party lol, but in my own mind I'll be celebrating being free of the lies and the absolute BS. And I'll be drinking a toast to the lessons learned and the friends I've made and the confidence I've found. And going to bed that night alone, but with a great big smile on my face because I've not known happiness and peace of mind like I have had the last couple of years.

Best of luck OP and enjoy your new life. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

disgruntled09

I am getting away from my huge pain in the a**e tonite and cant wait to feel like that ash! After a long time of mistreatment i too await when karma comes visiting him. I admire your strength

Jenneke87

Hi OP,

Well, so much for his little speech here then, clearly he has showed it was complete and utter bullocks. Enjoy your new life and freedom and know that you deserve a wonderful and happy relationship!

LegacyUser

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Well, so much for his little speech here then, clearly he has showed it was complete and utter bullocks. Enjoy your new life and freedom and know that you deserve a wonderful and happy relationship!

Yep - it was all crap. But you know what? It just doesn't matter anymore. He can blame me for all the drama and for being a psycho and everything else under the sun. But I know the truth. I did so much for him and supported him with everything. He lied his way through our relationship and has the cheek to blame it all on me. I don't regret getting back with him, at least i'm under no illusion now as to the type of person he is. And that makes everything easy.

I have changed my number, my emails and everything else.

New start and new life. And already, i'm loving every second.

If this thread even helps one girl to not put herself through what I did, then it would be worth it.

whatsamsn

op
good to get rid of him.

It would be very foolish of you to think he wasnt trying to get with this girl behind your back. Do you really think it all happend when you were on a "break" ... My money was on he was going on dates with her just before this "break".


personally i hate all that "break" boll*cks. If you have a fight with someone or what not. It doesnt give them free reign to hop into anothers bed. They all cite the words "i was single!" or "we were on a break". Thats bs. Truth be known its a nice way of saying "I dont care about you, or need you"

Kimia

What a díck. You are well rid!

littlefriend

OP again wrote: »

Yep - it was all crap. But you know what? It just doesn't matter anymore. He can blame me for all the drama and for being a psycho and everything else under the sun. But I know the truth. I did so much for him and supported him with everything. He lied his way through our relationship and has the cheek to blame it all on me. I don't regret getting back with him, at least i'm under no illusion now as to the type of person he is. And that makes everything easy.

I have changed my number, my emails and everything else.

New start and new life. And already, i'm loving every second.

If this thread even helps one girl to not put herself through what I did, then it would be worth it.

Great news, well done. Inspirational stuff!! Don't waste another seconds thought on him - who cares what he's doing etc, just look forward.
Very happy for you.

carmel27

Imagine my surprise when last night, he told me that he slept with a good female friend over Christmas. He had previously mentioned to me before that he used to fancy her so I was always a little bit threatened by it. So it was the worst person he could have chosen. Not only that but they did it in our bed. He never changed the sheets and I have been sleeping in their sex sheets for the past 2 weeks.

Also - he has his ex's name saved under his friend's name in his phone. He told me last night that he talks to her once or twice a month. He hid this from me too.


Thoughts?[/QUOTE]


Get rid- SERIOUSLY. He sounds like an absolute di*khead. And from stories Ive heard from ppl in a similar situation who have forgiven the guy, he'll do it again. And again. Im sorry, but he obviously doesnt love you if he has to carry on like that. And you'd never be able to trust him again, which, even if he never again stepped out of line, isnt a basis for a relationship. I'll feel truly sorry for you, but only you can improve thing for yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I have read through the whole thread, and I was so angry like some of the others at the down right cheek of him...And then when I saw his post, I was furious, the way he worded everything so carefully, trying to come accross as smart and intelligent, so focused on words....I only had to read his post to know it was all fake...

I can only imagine what you went through, the lies, what he did in your bed, and allowing you to be in the same company as her after that...Maybe he does need help.

And I dont think you were wrong to give it another go with him, I think it helped you make a final decision, and you would have wondered if you made the right choice again.

Anyway I am delighted you moved on, and you are getting yourself back on track...and dont even think about him and how supposedly "happy" he is etc..you know what he is like, and that he is not happy within himself...again its probably all fake..

I wish you the very best....and hopefully Mr Right is around the corner for you..:-)