Adult daughter (23) living in family home with boyfriend (24) and their son (2)

I really need some advice/fresh eyes on this please... Are we being mean?

Our younger daughter, her son and boyfriend moved back into our home in June, having been gone for 6 months. We are both in our 40's, live in a bungalow in the country and have a large mortgage. Our income is greatly reduced both as a result of the recession and ill health and we are really struggling to make ends meet.

When we lived here on our own our costs were really low, the ESB bill was about 1/3 of what it was when they were with us, we used one bin tag every 5/6 weeks, all of the appliances worked grand and cleaning materials/shower gel etc.. cost very little.

Their main income comes from his job, approx. 500pw, plus they both have other income from part time jobs doing hairdressing/deliveries. They do a main food shopping for the 3 of them, but don't buy stuff like breakfasts or snacks for the baby or anything to do with laundry or cleaning. They contribute 90pw which they believe covers the cost of them staying with us. In December we filled the oil tank at a cost of E600. It was empty again last week as our daughter insists on having the heating on 24/7 and complains if we put the timer back on.

Anyway, following discussions about the cost of heating, she said she would give us 300 towards a new fill. Then on Tuesday her boyfriend was put on a 3 day week. they now say they can't give us any money towards the heating and that the 90pw more than covers what it costs for them to stay. when we said that this is not acceptable, we were told that we're her parents and that strangers would not treat her like this... Advice please, i think i'm going mad!
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

pookie82

I have parents and I would never dream of treating them like this. You spent time and money on your daughter when she was young and needed your support. Harsh as it sounds, the time for molly coddling her or paying her way has long gone. It's manipulative of her and extremely selfish to try and emotionally blackmail you into letting them off easy.

Sit her down again and explain that you don't have a choice - that them not paying is not an option financially. I understand that you want your grandson to live in a safe and comfortable environment but no rational person can expect to leave heating on 24/7 with the current state of the economy and contribute little or nothing towards the bill.

You're good enough to take all of them in and give them a home so don't be guilt tripped into feeling like a bad mother - far from. Don't be taken advantage of by your own flesh and blood - explain to her that you simply do not have the financial means to support all three of them (and their heating needs) without adequate help or a change of habit on their part.

Also, tell her that if she thinks a "stranger wouldn't treat her like this" to try going to a landlord who has filled her oil tank with the same story and see how she's treated then.

Abi

susiespark wrote: »

I really need some advice/fresh eyes on this please... Are we being mean?

Our younger daughter, her son and boyfriend moved back into our home in June, having been gone for 6 months. We are both in our 40's, live in a bungalow in the country and have a large mortgage. Our income is greatly reduced both as a result of the recession and ill health and we are really struggling to make ends meet.

When we lived here on our own our costs were really low, the ESB bill was about 1/3 of what it was when they were with us, we used one bin tag every 5/6 weeks, all of the appliances worked grand and cleaning materials/shower gel etc.. cost very little.

Their main income comes from his job, approx. 500pw, plus they both have other income from part time jobs doing hairdressing/deliveries. They do a main food shopping for the 3 of them, but don't buy stuff like breakfasts or snacks for the baby or anything to do with laundry or cleaning. They contribute 90pw which they believe covers the cost of them staying with us. In December we filled the oil tank at a cost of E600. It was empty again last week as our daughter insists on having the heating on 24/7 and complains if we put the timer back on.

Anyway, following discussions about the cost of heating, she said she would give us 300 towards a new fill. Then on Tuesday her boyfriend was put on a 3 day week. they now say they can't give us any money towards the heating and that the 90pw more than covers what it costs for them to stay. when we said that this is not acceptable, we were told that we're her parents and that strangers would not treat her like this... Advice please, i think i'm going mad!
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

I get the impression you are a very kind person, and it seems your boundaries have been pushed. I know this will be tough, but I think you need to talk to your daughter on this. Her husbands reduced hours is a big problem. I can understand you don't want to ruffle feathers during a time that is difficult for everyone, but you need to tell her how concerned you are. Ask her if she has explored all options with the social welfare, and I suggest you do the same. It's no longer yourself and your husband in the house anymore. I think you could really do with a visit to your local Citizens Advice, heres a link. They should be able to give you all the information and forms you need

Overheal

susiespark wrote: »

we were told that we're her parents and that strangers would not treat her like this...

She's right: Strangers would have thrown her ass Out.

Agent J

Stuff costs. Evidently they must have realised that which is why they ended up moving back in with you.

Your house, your rules, your way.

If they dont like it then find somewhere else.

And before the "Family wouldnt treat people like that... " defence is used. Family wouldnt take advantage of family either.

AvaKinder

I'm 23 years old, living at home with my mother and I hand over 100 euro of a 240 euro pay check every single week. Anytime I get extra hours or any extra money I hand up extra. When I was working full time it was 200 euro per week that was given up.

Your daughter should really understand that while you are her parents, it is unacceptable of her to take this kind of advantage. Her husband should be entitled to a jobseekers payment if his hours have been reduced.

Turn the heating off any time you and your husband feel comfortable and explain that if she wants it on for longer, she must pay at least half the cost of the heating oil.

Also, she really should be paying whatever the difference is in any and all of your bills, between what you were paying for 2 and what you now pay.

Also, point out that you are her parents not his. Explain that if you continue to struggle financially you may need to ask her boyfriend to leave:)

funkybutterfly

hi op
That seems very unfair on you im 26 and my parents were kind enough to build on an extension for my husband and i to move in to and save money i pay 100 every week unless something major comes up i give them a bit less but regardless i pay them

im going on a 2 day week and will still pay the same amount because we have been able to go to japan and buy a car since we moved in otherwise we would be paying rent and would never have been able to do those things at least i know the money helps out with the bills i would give them more but they wouldnt take it

I hope your daughter sees what you are doing to help her because landlords would not be as kind as you maybe you should try and explain to her how hard it would be if she was renting a place the landlord wouldnt take too kindly to that attitude

magneticimpulse

I would definitely ask them to cough up the money. What are they going to do, move out and pay €1000 a month alone for their own appartment (not including bills or shopping or furniture/appliance)?

Basically they are paying minimum what 1 person would pay and there is 3 of them. I would expect at least €600 a month (€150, thats just €75 each per week) could be ok??...Honestly you should work out a budget for all bills and split them between all of you. You are a parent, but the boyfriend is on a free ride to cheap rent/bills in your house. The boyfriend is on €2000 a month plus extra part-time work...they can definitely afford to cough up. They are parents now and should be more responsible...they need to live in the real world and pay with real money!!! The country is halfway in a mess, because the young generation dont understand the value of money or how much things cost. They have to learn that stuff isnt free in life.

When you have decided how much extra they should pay, I would suggest they put a lump sum by direct debit into your account. If you feel there is an excess you can treat them out to dinner sometime. Its your house and you make the rules. I think its very generous as it is opening your home up to a stranger (yeah its your daughters boyfriend), but you are under no obligation to do that. Its your private home and dont let a stranger try to run it.

ash23

I'll put it this way OP, when I was your daughters age I was living with my bf and daughter and our rent was €1000 per month. Shopping bill was about €700 per month, heating about €100 per month etc.....

Your daughter is spoiled plain as. She has only lived out of home for 6 months and came running back?

Call a family meeting and lay it on the table, you can't afford to have them there. Show them how the bills have increased. Ok they should pay less than they would in renting a house as it's not their own place but food, heat, esb etc should be split equally.

You need to do this or your daughter will never learn to be independent.

Thank you so much for all of your replies and advice. I wasn't expecting such support and genuinely believed we must be being unfair.Your points about landlords really brought home to me that they really are lucky to be here.

As with all families, there is a bit of a story to their relationship, which is rocky and our daughter has been very ill at different times which makes us very wary of upsetting her.

We hadn't even considered about her boyfriend having a 'free ride' like that, or that she is spoiled, but having read your responses, believe that must be the case. That's our fault because, before they moved out they didn't have to pay anything, it's only because of our reduced income we had no choice but to ask for a contribution when they moved back.

He will be entitled to some social welfare benefit for the days he is not working but says it will not come through for 3 months.

Tonight we're going to sit down with them and go through all of the bills and extra costs of having them here (est. 630pm) and tell them they are fortunate not to have to be paying out what you guys have outlined. Will also tell them that they must pay for the extra heat and that this will have to continue.

Thanks so much for your input, you've been really helpful

Danniboo

I'm the same age as your daughter I moved out when I was 18 and worked through college and have been out on my own ever since, what a spoilt little madam she is. I would never treat a family member like this. To be frank her husband is one of thousands whos had his hours cut, it's not your problem. 90e a week is an insult, unless she changes her ways i'd ask her to move out, she obviously isn't living in the real world.

mylittlepony

Bills like ebs, oil heating, food, etc split 4 ways. There four adults living in the house.
Rent split two ways between daught + boyfriend. Or as daughter is family how about the boyfriend pay rent?
Yes his hrs are reduced but he have to pay his way too.
If he was renting he would have got rent allowance.
No way would my family ever ever let me have a boyfriend living in their house and i understand that.
Also I couldnt do that to them its just too weird for me in my opinion.
Why cant he live with his own family and visit his girlfriend and child?
If they are on a rocky patch - that their problem to sort out, not yours to let him to move him to appease them or your daughter for the sake of their relationship.
Its far more expensive to rent as a tenant and with house bills added and not to forget other expenses like car, transport, clothes, children or pets, etc.
So they are very very lucky. And they dont appreicate it! :eek:
If they dont like it or protest too much. Hmm which would reveal they know what great value they have been getting so far.
Especially after running back home in six months.
They can move out and get assistance from their Community Welfare Officer, etc.
You can print these replies.
Best of luck.
Let us know how ye got on.
You and your husband deserve a break.
Life too short to deal with other people/family members problems.

Taltos

Remember - your house your rules.
You did a wonderful job raising your daughter and providing for her as she grew up.
Now as an adult she has that responsibility for her child.

A grandparents job is to spoil the grandchild - not to enable their adult children to continue to behave as children.
I would have been totally embarrased if I had tried to do to my parents what is being done to you - seriously.

Personally I think that they would be much better off seeking accommodation elsewhere - for a number of reasons.
1. Less stress for you
2. They need their own privacy
3. Will learn how to manage their own finances
4. Might just grow up and realise that mommy and daddy are not just there to bail them out all the time.

I really feel for you on this one OP. I think no matter what you are going to run the risk of being made to feel guilty or be stressed.
Try not to let them get to you like this - they have to stand up and take responsibility for their own lives now. You have helped as much as you can - but enough is enough.

stovelid

If you're a working adult living with your parents, you don't treat the living arrangement like a parent-child (subsidized) situation. It should be an adult-adult arrangement, just like sharing a house with strangers.

Obviously, there are mitigating factors such as lack of money and whatnot, but as far as is possible, this should be the basic principle.

pookie82

susiespark wrote: »

Thank you so much for all of your replies and advice. I wasn't expecting such support and genuinely believed we must be being unfair.Your points about landlords really brought home to me that they really are lucky to be here.

As with all families, there is a bit of a story to their relationship, which is rocky and our daughter has been very ill at different times which makes us very wary of upsetting her.

We hadn't even considered about her boyfriend having a 'free ride' like that, or that she is spoiled, but having read your responses, believe that must be the case. That's our fault because, before they moved out they didn't have to pay anything, it's only because of our reduced income we had no choice but to ask for a contribution when they moved back.

He will be entitled to some social welfare benefit for the days he is not working but says it will not come through for 3 months.

Tonight we're going to sit down with them and go through all of the bills and extra costs of having them here (est. 630pm) and tell them they are fortunate not to have to be paying out what you guys have outlined. Will also tell them that they must pay for the extra heat and that this will have to continue.

Thanks so much for your input, you've been really helpful

Good for you, best of luck with it. If push comes to shove and she lets fly at you for being a mean or selfish mother, print off this page and let her have a read of what the rest of the world thinks.

You mention ill health in you original post as well as financial cutbacks - she has some neck to treat you both like this in light of that. It might be best if they do move out and face the challenges of the real world. She won't get away with that kind of whinging to a landlord for long.

Also, is her boyfriend a complete hanger on with no pride? Surely he should make a stand and try to contribute.

Oh and if you get a chance, let us know how you get on.

ConsiderThis

pookie82 wrote: »

Good for you, best of luck with it. If push comes to shove and she lets fly at you for being a mean or selfish mother, print off this page and let her have a read of what the rest of the world thinks.

You mention ill health in you original post as well as financial cutbacks - she has some neck to treat you both like this in light of that. It might be best if they do move out and face the challenges of the real world. She won't get away with that kind of whinging to a landlord for long.

Also, is her boyfriend a complete hanger on with no pride? Surely he should make a stand and try to contribute.

Oh and if you get a chance, let us know how you get on.

I agree that you might consider printing off this thread and letting them read it. While one has compassion, there is a fine line between doing a favour and being used.

The apparent lack of gratitude towards you for helping them out must be galling. As a matter of interest, why did they come to live with you and not with her boyfriends parents?

helimachoptor

Op when I was at home, i gave up 30% of my wages really annoyed me especially when I was going on hols for 2 weeks and wouldnt be there! But my parents were right if i was not living at home I'd be paying it. You are being taken advantage of.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Reading your post I just felt so sorry for you (I was imagining my own mother). That's a ****ty way to treat your parents. The worst thing is this isn't something that rarely happens, I've heard of so many truly selfish children taking advantage of their parents. It just makes me sick and angry. I would rather die than treat my parents the way you've been treated, and to try to make you feel guilty is just the pits. You sound like lovely parents but you need to wake up, you cannot let someone treat you like that, not even your daughter. If it were me I would be asking them to leave. You should not have to put up with cr*p like that in your own home, you shouldn't have to ask them to pay up, they should be tripping over themselves to make them staying with you easier. Please don't accept that treatment. I can understand that she has health problems and you don't want to stress her but in fairness I have MS (which is very much affected by stress) and I wouldn't for a second expect my parents to put up with what you have put up with. She sounds very selfish, very spoiled and very immature. Honestly the best thing you can do for her is kick her out and make her stand on her own two feet, she should have learned that my now anyway. She won't die, she'll just moan and whinge til she realises she has to cop on because at the end of the day she's a bloody 23 year old mother of one!!! She really needs to grow up and if she doesn't want to; well you're going to have to stand up to her and stop enabling her to behave this way.

Big hugs and best of luck.
And also, please let us know how you got on.

Wompa1

Much the same as everybone else. I'm 24. Been living away from home since I was 18. Never got any help with rent, groceries, car, heating etc. from my parents. Think its an unfair expectation for parents to contribute after your 18 anyway...Your legally independent at that age anyway. Time to fly.

gubby

as usual I have to be the one going against the grain here. I have a few questions and comments. 1 is your daughter and boyfriend saving for their own home? or for some productive reason? I just dont think you should come on too heavy.. you could gain more with kindness and understanding than harsh words. If you force your daughter to leave you might now see her or your grandson for a long time and wounds like those go deep. I hope you did sit down with them and explain that ye simply cannot afford this situation any longer. show them the bills and what the income into the house is. Let them know that ye would help them if ye had the money but there is a recession on and things are bad everywhere. ask them for advice on where they think there could be a saving made etc. reading between the lines I get the feeling that its the boyfriend who is calling the shots with the money. you mentioned that your daughter wanted to pay half the heating bill but when he was put on 3day a week that changed. in short, im saying dont burn bridges, you love your daughter and grandson and in time they will move on and you dont want any ill feeling between you. good luck

Kipperhell

While Gubby has made a fair point about whether they are saving for something major it should only be the situation if the parents can afford it. Earlier somebody mentioned they wouldn't have been able to go to Japan if they weren't subsidised by their parents. Very nice of the parents but only if they can afford it.

If the couple is saving and that is costing the parents extra money they are simply taking the parents money and putting it in their own bank. If a parent wants to give them money then give them money when you can afford it.

The best approach has got to be a budget plan and a comparison of costs while they were not there. They pay the difference making some kind of allowance for season costs.

If you can afford to save and gift the extra money fine but the child has not grown up to understand the idea of paying their own way now they are an adult.

ohanloj3

I could never treat my parents like that, she has absolutely no respect for either of you and obviously has no conscience. I don't live at hme, I have my own place-mortgage, bills, car loan etc. I eat at home about 4-5 nights a week for dinner and I have offered to give my parents money towards shopping but they refuse so every 2-3 months I get them tickets for a show/concert, petrol vouchers or vouchers for supermarket. I moved home for three weeks for christmas and knew they wouldn't take money off me so I bought them a weekend away as well as my usual xmas presents to say thank you. You need to deal with this now before it gets out of hand. My aunt had a similar situation, shes seperated, she suffers with depression, has five kids and a grandchild living with her. She wasn't getting any rent from any of them (their ages range from 24-19). Her daughter who has the child used to go shopping with her, she'd throw everything she wanted into the trolley (fake tan, nappies, baby food, expensive shampoos and conditioners). She was really struggling and eventually my mam had to get involved cos my aunt wouldn't approach it due to her depression, none of the kids realised how bad the situation was and now they all give 100 euro a week regardless if they are working or not and my cousin has started buying her own cosmetics and baby stuff. Two of the children are on the dole but they still pay their hundred euro. Your daughter is taking you for a free ride!

LegacyUser

Hey OP, simply let the oil run out and let your daughter worry about topping it up. You should, if you can, go away to a sunny destination for the rest of the winter so that that selfish woman can finally see the expense of running a household without your help. Warn the oil company not to give her a drop on credit!
Seriously, your house, your rules. Don't put up with this.

Sangre

I'm 24 at home in Dublin and pay 500 p.m. for myself ('rent' and bills). 95 p.w. for 3 of them is extremely cheap.

miec

If you force your daughter to leave you might now see her or your grandson for a long time and wounds like those go deep.

If the daughter does that then that is exceptionally cruel and emotional blackmail.

Op just to add to the general good advice here, you are well within your rights to ask for more money. My partner and I are on a similar income as your daughter and her boyfriend was before he was put on a 3 day a week, we have the one child as well. We rent a house, pay all our bills and as adults stand on our own two feet.

You are being kind to your daughter but you are also fostering an element of dependency as well through your good intentions. She has to learn to be an adult and that means taking care of herself and her family irrespective of the difficulties that life throws at her. I am sure you and your husband have had to cope with difficulties in life on your own, it is now time for your daughter to do the same. Putting it another way, how would she cope if she didn't have you? I am also curious, did you enjoy having the house back to yourself during those six months? Would you like it back to yourselves again at some point, if so I would at some other time tell her this. Rents are very cheap now (well maybe not Dublin) but we are renting outside Dublin and hopefully when I get a job I would be looking to commute in and out. Good luck and hope it goes well for you.

Beruthiel

susiespark
You are a walking saint.

My daughter is 21 and there is no way in hell that I would ever get to the stage where I would allow a b/f and baby into the house.
I love her to bits, but as an adult, with her own family, she should be finding her own way in this world and not still living under the same roof as her parents.

Your home is your castle, as such, you should be able to do as you wish, when you wish, and not be worrying about the b/f.
I don't understand how you can be 100% comfortable in your own home under those circumstances.
You have worked hard all your life and you deserve at this stage to be able to completely relax behind your four walls.

As for her comments towards you, ppffff.
Everything should be split four ways.
As for the b/f now down to a three day week. Not your problem.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are not his mother or keeper. He is responsible for his family.
It's that kind of bullsh!t which confirms that I am right, adult kids should not be living with their parents.

The time has well passed for them to be living in their own home.
Stop looking at your daughter as being still a child.
I'm betting you managed quite well at her age, she will too. She just needs the push.

And gubby, if your adult child does not get that they have out grown their childhood home, then you just haven't explained it to them properly!
If you don't want to upset her, then just say you're going back to your nudist ways now and perhaps she'd rather not see that on a daily basis.

I was out from under my parents roof at 19 and practically ran out of the place. I don't get why anyone would still live with their parents after a certain age, you cannot grow or be yourself.

Very unhealthy, for everyone involved.

ConsiderThis

gubby wrote: »

as usual I have to be the one going against the grain here. I have a few questions and comments. 1 is your daughter and boyfriend saving for their own home? or for some productive reason? I just dont think you should come on too heavy.. you could gain more with kindness and understanding than harsh words. I

.. and in the meantime the OP has to pay the bills.....do you really think that the OP should have to find the money to pay for all the increased bills? Where do you think she should get it from?

It is often said that Irish children grow up very slowly due to being over mothered, and sometimes parents have to be cruel to be kind and help their children grow up and take responsibility for themselves.

Danniboo

zipideedoodaa wrote: »

Hey OP, simply let the oil run out and let your daughter worry about topping it up. You should, if you can, go away to a sunny destination for the rest of the winter so that that selfish woman can finally see the expense of running a household without your help. Warn the oil company not to give her a drop on credit!
Seriously, your house, your rules. Don't put up with this.

Why on earth should the OP be without heat and hot water in this weather just because her daughter isn't pulling her weight. Secondly if the OP could afford to pack up and move to sunny destinations for the whole of the winter do you think she would be posting here saying she has money worries, its the middle of a recession.

ConsiderThis

ConsiderThis wrote: »

.. and in the meantime the OP has to pay the bills.....do you really think that the OP should have to find the money to pay for all the increased bills? Where do you think she should get it from?

It is often said that Irish children grow up very slowly due to being over mothered, and sometimes parents have to be cruel to be kind and help their children grow up and take responsibility for themselves.

I agree, I can't believe how mollycoddled many people my age still are. I don't know if its an Irish thing or a this generation thing. I've had people tell me my parents are stingy and mean because they wouldn't pay for my Masters or my rent while doing the Masters. I'm 24! My parents are more than happy to help me out but there's helping out and taking the absolute p*ss which is what OP's daughter is doing.

pretty-in-pink

When I was living at home, prior to moving to Dub, I was on the dole for a few months & gave about 100 a week over. I have more or less been out of home since I was 18. I can't believe your daughter is acting this way. Thts so selfishof here. At the very least she should be paying more rent, and covering ALL food costs for the little one.
In any house with 3/4 etc adults then bills should be paid equally. You're not made of money & she needs to know that.

chocgirl

This is the worst I've heard in a long time. I though friends of mine were bad at college getting their rent paid for when they weren't working.

Whatever about your daughter and grandchild there is no way you should be keeping her boyfriend. You are basically providing for someone's else's adult child. Ask him to move out if he doesn't cough up, you've no obligation to provide him with anything. He's 24 years old, he should be mortified to have to live with his girlfriend's parents!

Stop buying any extras for the baby and insist that the heat is turned on only when you want it, let the heat run out and they can pay for more if they want it. They need to realise how good you are to them. They're parents after all they should have more sense and be setting a better example for their own child.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Why on earth should the OP be without heat and hot water in this weather just because her daughter isn't pulling her weight. Secondly if the OP could afford to pack up and move to sunny destinations for the whole of the winter do you think she would be posting here saying she has money worries, its the middle of a recession.

Hence the "seriously though" part of my post *rolls eyes*

Cabaal

to be honest youyr being too kind at the risk of your standard of living,
We all don't enjoy paying all our own bills but what she's paying is taking the piss, either double what she's paying and contribe to all the things in the house (cleaning etc) or she needs to leave.

There is no other options really,

AvaKinder

Any update OP? Did you have a word?

dan_d

They contribute 90eur perwk between the 2 of them?
I live with my boyfriend. 100eur per week is the shopping bill for the entire week for 2 of us and a pet. That's food for dinners and lunches, cleaning stuff, and any extra bits and pieces. For 2 of us. Obviously, gas, electricity, NTL, mortgage, bin tags are all extra.
I think your daughter needs a dose of reality. Living at home, I paid 300eur a month, for myself only to my parents for 4 years - they wouldn't take any more.
Without a doubt you're not over reacting. Her behaviour is not acceptable.

LegacyUser

I actually was going to offer sympathy to your daughter as she is a young mother at an age when most are just finishing college.

But then I saw her boyfriend gets 2000per month?

So essentially, If they pay 360 per month for rent, and (rough figure) 300 per month on their own food then where does the other 1400 go?

So basically after paying rent and buying their food they have 325 euro per week free spending money?


They can EASILY afford to pay more rent. I would up the rent at the very least to 200euro per week.

tenchi-fan

You're making it too easy for them to stay and I'm sure you have a lot to gain - having such a close relationship with your grandson for example. but they're walking all over you whether they know it or now. you're at the time of your life that your income is greatly reduced and it's not going to get any higher. You shouldn't have money worries.

Call a family meeting and say you think it's time to consider getting their own place. Offer to pay a their first month's rent and deposit (you'll save it in heating!)

I don't think it's healthy for a child to be brought up by children anyway so encourage them to learn some responsibility!

ohanloj3

I was just wondering, does she or him help out around the house?? Do they buy their own groceries? And do they ever acknowledge everything you do for them??

Thanks to you all for taking time to reply. Your views have been a revelation, particularly about the comments relating to the boyfriend. We hadn't thought we were doing anything special by allowing them to live with us.

I should have said in the beginning that our daughter has been ill most of her life and we did/do? spoil her. Also, she's not good at routine, has a mild case of aspergers and was diagnosed with ADD as a teenager. She spent a lot of time in hospital, critically ill. We are afraid she couldn't cope on her own and her boyfriend proved himself unreliable when they moved out previously, although he is a pleasant enough guy.

If we ask them to leave and she does leave, we can't even be 10% confident that the little guy will be looked after. Comments about being afraid of losing him have made us discuss properly just how afraid we are of this, and have realised that's why we don't confront our girl or the boyfriend.

Just to clarify, they're not saving for anything major but both have credit union loans which they pay back weekly.

To answer the question about our time at home alone, besides all the running we had to do to make sure the little guy was being looked after, we LOVED being here on our own. We married young and had the children straignt away so it was 6 months of bliss!

Although part of me is tempted to show them this thread, which has been so useful I just can't explain, and will be forever grateful for, the bit that is afraid of losing her because of her illness (and it's come close on a number of occasions), or our grandson who really is the light of our lives, prevents me from doing that.

Both my husband and I were thinking of starting a new thread, maybe not complaining so much about our own situation, but asking for comments on how much adult children usually pay at home, and how much people reckon an adult daughter, partner and baby should be paying (given that they have almost exclusive use of two bedrooms, a bathroom, utility room and large dining/living room, and share a kitchen which we now avoid, and showing her that one instead. What do you think of that?

I am going into hospital tomorrow, so was thinking that when I come home on Monday I could sit down with all the bills and ask her to help find savings on the internet with different companies, for example the phone co./broadband/electricity etc. so that she would be really familiar with the actual cost of staying with us by the time we show her the new thread. Is this just more madness or what do you think of that? Thanks so much for all your support and kind input so far.

Queen-Mise

I wouldn't go down that route at all Susie of creating another thread. She could very easily find this one, and that wouldn't be good


I would be inclined to go to MABS and let them be intermediaries. Tell your daughter that you are struggling financially to pay the bills and that you went to MABS for help. MABS are fantastic - they have the expert eyes will understand all the intricacies of the situation. And I can imagine that they will come up with very fair figures.

If you want tell you daughter before you go to hospital, that you have an appointment set up to help you organise your finances.


That is my suggestions anyway. Best of luck with the situation.

LegacyUser

Instead of being confrontational about it, just say that you've being reviewing your expenses lately and need to go through them with the four of you to see how they should be handled going forward.

Have a list ready of the average weekly / monthly spend for electricity / gas / TV etc with actual bills as backup. Then say that the total monthly / weekly spend needs to be divided by four from now on if it is going to work with you all living together. Also ask if they can suggest where savings could be made.

Be firm during this discussion and dont be sidetracked by any excuses from them as to why they cant contribute the amount needed. Just keep repeating that unfortunately this is the way it has to be in the current economic climate and that there is nothing you can do about it.

Hopefully they will see sense without you having to take any drastic action. Best of luck.

Taltos

OP - you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am going to go straight for the jugular here - so please do not take too much offense at what I am about to say.

I understand she has an illness and she has aspergers - but she is old enough to have a child, she is old enough to have a boyfriend - and all you are doing is being an ENABLER.

You have to take 100% responsibility for your actions. You are allowing them to live together under your roof. You are allowing them to not contribute to the running costs. You are allowing them to come between you and your husband - you might not think this is the case - but trust me - what would you really give for those 6 mts of bliss again. Worst - YOU are holding her back - in a few years (not that many) you and your husband will be dead.

Who is going to take "care" of her then?

I know I know - I am really being mean here. However - would you really not prefer to help her move out, learn the skills she needs to take care of herself and her child, know in your heart that when you can no longer take care of her - that she is more than capable of taking care of herself?

I have a bad feeling that this illness is now being used maybe subconsciously as a crutch by you all to allow this situation and others to continue.

Why not see if they can find somewhere close by - where in the short-term you can call around every day or seek assisted living?
Many people with aspergers do have full and normal lives - it does not have to be a bad thing. As to ADD - again many many people also have this. In my mind all of these afflictions are being used as excuses - some may be very very valid - but your job as a parent is to ensure that the child growing up is safe and that they get the skills they need to one day be adults. Having had a child your daughter has announced in a very clear voice she is now an adult - now is the time to ensure that the final step - though terrifying - is taken.

For your sanity - and her longtime happiness I really recommend you encouraging them to move out / seek assistance elsewhere. Otherwise in 10 yrs you will be having the same discussions about not being able to meet the bills and your daughter not being able to live alone.

homerjay2005

difficult one. on one hand you can see their point (360 a month is a decent contribution to bills in all fairness) but the reality is, its a lack of respect to the parents. if you ask for more, you should get it, if they lived on their own, your talking 700 or more for rent and then double that for bills and food etc. they are getting off very lightly.

best thing to do is split the bills in half and ask them to pay when they come. exclude bills from the 90euro.

Danniboo

homerjay2005 wrote: »

difficult one. on one hand you can see their point (360 a month is a decent contribution to bills in all fairness) but the reality is, its a lack of respect to the parents. if you ask for more, you should get it, if they lived on their own, your talking 700 or more for rent and then double that for bills and food etc. they are getting off very lightly.

best thing to do is split the bills in half and ask them to pay when they come. exclude bills from the 90euro.

That's an exaggeration if ever i've heard one. I live on my own my rent is 400pm ESB roughly 70pm food between 160 to 200pm. Extra toiletries tan etc, about 30pm. That's 700e for one person and you think half this a decent contribution for 3 people.

magneticimpulse

Im just appauled that you think you will lose your grandson if you tell her to move out. Im sorry but she needs a hard dose of reality and is being a complete bitch to you...she was healthy enough to have a normal healthy baby. You are being completely walked all over.

As for yourself and your husband looking for advice on how much is reasonable to give? Well put it this way, under no matter of living hell would my parents let a boyfriend ever live in their house or even spend the night and im moving back home soon at 29! In their opinion its their house and they are not open to strangers living in it, especially one who can afford his own rent earning more than €2000. My parents are under no obligation to let me back either...in fact even thou im unemployed I told them yesterday that I will stay in my flat and continue to pay €650 rent myself!! Ive been too long independent and they are allowed the right to finally grow old together without an adult child.

So basically I dont think there would be many parents who would put themselves in your situation. Very few would let a boyfriend live with them. He was old enough to get your daughter pregnant he should be old enough to look after her. Its not like your daughter is 15! You said you were young parents, and you coped. You are pulling your daughter down by not letting her have her independence and learn how to be a daughter. Im really disgusted at how much your accepting being walked over. Please do your daughter a favour and let her move out (she can still live nearby, you can still see her everyday). But seriously how long do you expect for her to live there, til she is 40???

ohanloj3

Your daughter has been sick, but that is no excuse in fact it is more a reason her to respect you in your own home and pay her way as I'm sure when she was sick yourself and your husband were always there for her and have supported her.


When I was 21 I was diagnosed with epilepsey, I was very sick and was in hospital for about 6wks, at that time I was still living at home but my direct debit for 140 euro a week still came out of my account even thou I was in hospital and not in the house!

miss no stars

Ok OP I know the previous comments probably hurt a bit and seem a little insensitive - and they are. However, there is some truth in them.

I'm no expert, I don't know you, I don't know your daughter, but I do know a lot of teenagers with aspergers ranging from mild to severe, NLD and PDD, and also ADHD, tourettes and OCD. I've also met their parents and seen what their parents let them do versus what they can do. In my experience (and only my subjective experience), the parents wrap them in cotton wool and are TERRIFIED to push them into anything (with good reason, meltdowns are no fun for anyone). Like I completely understand it. They've seen their children at their weakest and know just how vunerable they are. However, a well placed suggestion isn't going to break them. Very often when it's explained to them why you want them to try something/do something, they will listen to reason. She's not made of glass

So yeah, it's probably true that she could go into meltdown and shut you out completely, but it's probably also quite true that at the moment she might not see anything wrong with the situation at all. You know your daughter best and nobody else here has any way of guaging just how independent your daughter can ever really be, however, I would encourage you to sit down - adult to adult- with a list of monthly expenses while they weren't there and then compare with while they are there. Tell her that even though she'll always be your baby, you do expect her, as an adult, to take on her own responsibilities and a big one of those responsibilities is to make sure that she doesn't cause financial hardship for anyone else. Explain that while they were gone, it was hard on them, now that they're back it's hard on you, but that if the bills and monthly costs all get split down the middle it's the best compromise and you can be on hand when she needs you without it being financially damaging for you.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

the op is asking about advice on how to deal with the financial situation, not an appraisal of her daughter's illness. Add and aspergers have a range of severity, and only the op has first hand experience of her daughters issues.

Magenticimpulse - its extremely disrespectful to call her daughter a "complete bitch". This is the girls mother you're talking to.

OP - having a family member with some mental issues myself, i can sympathise with how tough this is for you. However, you need to explain to your daughter that you just cant manage the financial burden. Sit her down and show the bills and show her your income and that it just doesnt cover it. Another thing which id find annoying is that its not just your daughter and grandson you're basically providing for, but also the boyfriend.
One more thing i thought of - i dont know anything about your daughters illness but do they stop her working? if so she may be entitled to disability. Good luck and i hope you havent taken the harsher comments on here about your daughter to heart.

magneticimpulse

It was my opinion and advice on the situation. I admit ive no knowledge of this condition and looked it up on Wikipedia. It said that people can grow out of this phase of mentality given the right conditions to do so. Im no doctor by any means, but I dont think the OP is allowing her daughter the space to get better and be a mother or caring adult. Ive dealt with people of various mental capacity and mentally handicap people. But their families have allowed them to have a steady job and live by themselves. I cant judge the severity but the boyfriend should be more of the carer.

If I behaved in this way to my parents, I would be a complete bitch. They would be the 1st to say it to me. Yes its alright to help your children out financially, but sometimes, like in this case the daughter (definitely the boyfriend ) is being disrespectful. It seems to appear she is also well enough to earn her own money hair dressing. The boyfriend also should have more responsibility looking after the welfare of his girlfriend and child. They will eventually have to learn sometime and leave the nest as OP will not be around forever. Now is better than later!

Nevyn

People do not grow out of aspergers or add, they learn hopefully coping mechanism and awareness of triggers.
Being non neurotypical on the level which is aspergers is not a mental handicap.

While it commendable that her parents are willing to be a fall back she has to stand up and face the challenges of being an adult and a parent.There are courses and classes and therapy to help with that and the parents may need some to so that they let go and let her make mistakes.

magneticimpulse

I used mental handicap as an example, as ive a family friend who can act like a 12 year old at times, but lives by himself and has a full time job. He will be competing in the London Special Olympics in 2012. The point is, that his family are supportive, but still let him get on with life with his own level of independence and freedom. Its not the same condition, but its a situation where you could imagine some people would want to cotton wrap this person or give them freedom! Given this freedom he is achieving things, which alot of other people have never achieved in their life.

I think its possible to express the need that the daughter and boyfriend should be more financially aware of how realistic it costs to live with OP. I think OP should wrap the daughter less in cotton wool. I think she has managed to bring a child into the world, she has had a long term relationship (alot of things which people, I included on boards have trouble with), she has already accomplished alot. I think based on this, she is well capable to have finacial responsibility too and in an ideal world live in her own home with the boyfriend and son. The boyfriend is also somewhat financially independent as well. So I dont think they should be treated differently...and should learn to leave the nest or pay up more.