Emailing an ex

Candypants

I need some advice and was hoping someone could help. I split up with my ex-boyfriend about 7 years ago, and thought I had got over it. I have not spoken to him since out of choice because I could not remain friends with him.

However he did text me last year to say and I quote "I'm sorry, for everything", i liked the fact that he was so arrogant that he didn't put his name to the text assuming that I woud still have his number on my phone, which I didn't thank god, because then I would be a complete basket case.

Anyway to cut a long story short, a couple of days later and after much seething, I texted him back and told him more or less that I did not accept his apology. I still don't to be honest, I won't go into the ins and outs of it but the relationship was a joke from the start, I am actually embarrassed to call it a relationship.

Anyway until I got this text message I thought I had put this horrible relationship behind me but I haven't, it's dregged up all the bad things he did again and all I want to do is write him a snotty email and tell him how much he hurt me and how much I hate him for it. I know this seems childish but I feel like I have a large black boulder in my chest from this experience and it feels like the only way I can get rid of it is to pass it back to him. I don't want to see him face to face because I think I would loose my temper and end up knocking him out.

This is not someone I want to get back with or be friends with, this is someone I had thought I had forgotten and want to forget again, what he did caused my self esteem to collapse and it took me 2 or 3 years before I started to get better.

Any help would be really appreciated.

Beetlebum

Hi OP,

I understand how you feel and why you want to send the email but I honestly don't believe any good will come from it. I know right now you think it will make you feel better but I think it will actually make you feel worse. He would probably ignore the email or he could reply with something catty like 'Get over it - it was 7 years ago'. He'll probably just think you're bitter and it may even be an ego boost to him to see how badly and greatly he affected you.

I would really advise against sending this email OP.
I had an ex who treated me like sh*t and I did end up sending him a few childish bitchy text messages. I never felt better afterwards, in fact I always regretted sending them.

Forget about him. He's no longer part of your life and good riddance.

Candypants

Thanks for your advice guys, it is really appreciated. I was in two minds whether to do it but you have sided with my sensible side, if I could only quiet the emotional side!!

MissFlitworth

Dont do it, don't do it, don't do it! You'll write out this heartfelt email telling him all the details of how he's hurt you and what a **** he is and send it off and 5 minutes after it's gone you'll be frantically trying to guess his email password to get in and delete it.

Whatever you're hoping to get from mailing him probably won't happen, you won't magically feel better once you've told him what an awful person he is and you will have let the person who hurt you see that you are still hurting 7 years later. By all means write it all down (cos that can be quite cathartic) but don't send it on to him. Maybe finding someone else, like a counsellor, that you can rant at and let it all out to might help you get past him

Gyalist

I know this seems childish but I feel like I have a large black boulder in my chest from this experience and it feels like the only way I can get rid of it is to pass it back to him.

If you'd accepted his apology, it would have probably given you closure. You chose to reject it so you have to live with the consequences. I doubt that he'd care now if he received an email from you as he has most likely long since moved on.

Candypants

Thanks Miss Flitworth, when we broke up first I did go to a counsellor because I was traumatised by the whole experience. I think it's more anger at myself that I did not listen to be instinct and get out as soon as he started messing about.

Candypants

Gyalist wrote: »

If you'd accepted his apology, it would have probably given you closure. You chose to reject it so you have to live with the consequences. I doubt that he'd care now if he received an email from you as he has most likely long since moved on.

Thanks for your opinion but I had no intention accepting a text apology after everything he had done. It was generic and insincere and disingenuous and I did not ask him to contact me after six years, he chose to contact me.

mood

sunflower27 wrote: »

Your silence says more thatn any snotty email would.

Maintain the higher ground here and dont contact him would be my advice.

Agree.

ash23

Tbh you should have replied "who is this" and when he told you you should have said "sure it's grand, it was a lifetime ago". Even if you didn't mean it.

Anyway, that ship has sailed so what you need to do now is ignore him. He doesn't deserve your thoughts or your time.

If you email him it'll turn into a back and forth thing and as you've learned contact with him just drags up the bad memories.

Ignore him.

Candypants

Thanks Mood and Ash, you are right, thanks for the advice.

daisybelle2008

Candypants wrote: »

Thanks for your opinion but I had no intention accepting a text apology after everything he had done. It was generic and insincere and disingenuous and I did not ask him to contact me after six years, he chose to contact me.

You choose to be in a relationship with him. Yet years after splitting up you are now carrying all this negative emotion. He is out of your life but yet you are letting him affect you still. The problem and solution is solely you. You win when you move on.

You can choose to offload this boulder and stop letting him take up space in your head. This can only best be achieved by ignoring him.

But after so many years it should not be affecting you like this. Most of us had sh*tty relationships in the past but leave them there. So someone was an asshole to us years ago, so what? we were too young, immature and too insecure to know or want better. Guess what? we grow up and would not let that happen to us. We look back and think, that relationship was actually good for me, it made me realise what I don't want. Next time I will see the signs.

Quietly thank him in your head for giving you some lessons and experience which will make you wiser. Wave goodbye and never think of him again.
It is easier than you think when you choose to look at it from a different angle, instead of looking at it like the victim.

Candypants

I am not a victim. I am a victim for wanting to vent my feelings to a person who was cruel to me? I came here looking for objective advice, not to be judged. I chose to have nothing to do with him when it was over even though he wanted to maintain contact, I have been ignoring him for seven years, I have had two relationships since then. I am not the problem, I did not contact him, he contacted me and now I feel ready to say what needs to be said.

Kiera

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You choose to be in a relationship with him. Yet years after splitting up you are now carrying all this negative emotion. He is out of your life but yet you are letting him affect you still. The problem and solution is solely you. You win when you move on.

You can choose to offload this boulder and stop letting him take up space in your head. This can only best be achieved by ignoring him.

But after so many years it should not be affecting you like this. Most of us had sh*tty relationships in the past but leave them there. So someone was an asshole to us years ago, so what? we were too young, immature and too insecure to know or want better. Guess what? we grow up and would not let that happen to us. We look back and think, that relationship was actually good for me, it made me realise what I don't want. Next time I will see the signs.

Quietly thank him in your head for giving you some lessons and experience which will make you wiser. Wave goodbye and never think of him again.
It is easier than you think when you choose to look at it from a different angle, instead of looking at it like the victim.

+1

OP: You need to forget about this and move on. You are acting like a victim. Nearly everyone has been in a crappy relationship but we move on and learn from it. You holding all this anger for 7 years is not normal!

Candypants

I am not acting like a victim, I came looking for support not to be judged. I wanted to do something proactive, you seem to be missing the point, I got on with my life, he contacted me which brought this bad stuff back up.

Kiera

I have a shítbag of an ex who contacts me every now and again. I ignore his texts and get on with what i'm doing and dont give him a second thought. I dont understand why you cant do this too? Its not right to hold all this anger for 7 years! You need to lose the "poor me" act!

Candypants

There is no poor me act. I am independent, with a good job, my own house and good friends. When we finished I wasn't in the right place emotionally to tell him what a prick he was. It kills me that he walked away scott free. I came here for objective advice and I don't understand how you can be so judgemental to someone you don't even know, isn't a Moderator meant to be objective?

Barracudaincork

Candypants wrote: »

I am not acting like a victim, I came looking for support not to be judged. I wanted to do something proactive, you seem to be missing the point, I got on with my life, he contacted me which brought this bad stuff back up.

Candypants you are obviously upset but try and not take what people as a bad thing towards you, they are seeing it from there own experiences and how they too had a crap relationship but didnt let it become such a major thing in their life ie be a victim. They dont mean you are weak in the wrong etc but to be honest if 7 years later someone upsets you this much you do need to address that fact, but contacting him isnt the way to go. He hurt you so much 7 years ago, dont keep letting him hurt you today, he isnt worth that and you are worth far far far more!

Kiera

I'm not a mod in this forum. Just a user like you.

Candypants

Still no excuse, I hope people are as understanding when you have something that you are dealing with.

Barracudaincork

Candypants wrote: »

There is no poor me act. I am independent, with a good job, my own house and good friends. When we finished I wasn't in the right place emotionally to tell him what a prick he was. It kills me that he walked away scott free. I came here for objective advice and I don't understand how you can be so judgemental to someone you don't even know, isn't a Moderator meant to be objective?

How do you know his life hasnt turned out ****????

Look at you with your good job, own home, great friends etc look at all the things you can brag about and you choose to have some idiot who treated you like **** make an impact on your life still, nah girl stuff him! Focus on you and what you have achieved and not some idiot who treated you badly.

Candypants

Thanks BarracudainCork for your support, I really appreciate it.

Kiera

Candypants wrote: »

Still no excuse, I hope people are as understanding when you have something that you are dealing with.

You come on here looking for advice which you have been given. Just because you dont like it, doesnt mean its not good advice. Getting all defensive will get you no where. Maybe have a look at the real problem here, which seems to be this anger you are carrying.

Candypants

Hello?? Of course I am angry that's why I came on here to ask for objective advice, not judgemental advice, by the way judgemental advice is never good advice. Good for you, you got over what your ****bag boyfriend did, I didn't get the chance to tell my ****bag boyfriend what a ****bag he was, that's why I want to do it now.

Barracudaincork

Kiera wrote: »

You come on here looking for advice which you have been given. Just because you dont like it, doesnt mean its not good advice. Getting all defensive will get you no where. Maybe have a look at the real problem here, which seems to be this anger you are carrying.

If you really believe she is carrying around so much anger, why would you add fuel to the flame and try and anger her more by keep making comments, thats not helpful.

Your advice was good and its great you can do what you did re your ex (i admire people who can get over stuff etc i really do) but dont assume everyone else deals with stuff the same way you do and maybe just cut the OP a little slack.

Kiera

Barracudaincork wrote: »

If you really believe she is carrying around so much anger, why would you add fuel to the flame and try and anger her more by keep making comments, thats not helpful.

I'm honestly not trying to anger her. I cant help it if this is the way the OP is behaving.

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Your advice was good and its great you can do what you did re your ex (i admire people who can get over stuff etc i really do) but dont assume everyone else deals with stuff the same way you do and maybe just cut the OP a little slack.

But thats the thing. It took me a short amount of time to get over any bad feelings for my ex. I understand it might take some longer. But 7 years? Having this much anger towards someone for 7 years is not right in my opinion. And now she wants to put it into an email and make herself look silly to her ex. If i got an email with all that hate in it from an ex i'd think to myself "thank god i'm out of that relationship".

ash23

OP I kind of see what the others are saying.

I had a sh1tbag of an ex, cheated on me, dumped me, screwed me over big time during the breakup (house and child involved).
It sickened me that he went on his merry way with everything while I had nothing. It killed me that he walked away from the responsibilities of the child, while I was left with it. He took our house and practically moved his girlfriend in. He went to parties and gigs while I struggles to cope with my own emotions, my 5 year olds trauma over the split and also struggled to put food on the table.

I was beyond angry. I was livid. I was physically sick, I was so angry. Infuriated. I thought I'd explode with the unfairness of it all. and I told him. And all I feel is regret that I made a show of myself by showing him how much I cared because he didn't give a sh1t really. And that was only a few months after we split. Never mind 7 years.
As for the anger, over time I realised it was pointless holding on to that.

I read a statement which summed it up for me. It was along the lines of "being angry with someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die".
It's only yourself you're hurting. He won't give a damn that you're angry, that he hurt you so badly. He will get the email and it probably won't affect him in any shape or form. However, I assure you that if you send it, you will regret it. When you calm down and the anger fades a bit, you will feel like a muppet for sending it.
If you send it and he replies with a "sorry" it won't make things better.
If you send it and he ignores you, you will implode with anger that he's duped you once again.

Try to let it go.
After 7 years, if he texted you and you were in a healthy place with what had happened, all you would think is "how strange, what a gobsh1te :rolleyes:".
The fact that he texted you a year ago and you are still bubbling with resentment over him contacting you suggests you are not at peace with things. Perhaps more counselling might be an idea?
Being over someone means being impassive towards them. Not hoping good things for them but not wishing bad things on them either. Just a general "meh" feeling about them.

Barracudaincork

Kiera wrote: »

But thats the thing. It took me a short amount of time to get over any bad feelings for my ex. I understand it might take some longer. But 7 years? Having this much anger towards someone for 7 years is not right in my opinion. And now she wants to put it into an email and make herself look silly to her ex. If i got an email with all that hate in it from an ex i'd think to myself "thank god i'm out of that relationship".

Agreed 7 years is a long time and not something i would do either myself. But you could argue that your ex mustnt of been that bad if you got over him so quickly etc etc We dont know what the ex did and maybe if we did we would understand better.

The email is something i think the OP would regret also and your right in telling her that too, i just think the way you said it upset the OP more, though no doubt you wouldnt of meant to.

Beetlebum

ash23 wrote: »

OP I kind of see what the others are saying.

I had a sh1tbag of an ex, cheated on me, dumped me, screwed me over big time during the breakup (house and child involved).
It sickened me that he went on his merry way with everything while I had nothing. It killed me that he walked away from the responsibilities of the child, while I was left with it. He took our house and practically moved his girlfriend in. He went to parties and gigs while I struggles to cope with my own emotions, my 5 year olds trauma over the split and also struggled to put food on the table.

I was beyond angry. I was livid. I was physically sick, I was so angry. Infuriated. I thought I'd explode with the unfairness of it all. and I told him. And all I feel is regret that I made a show of myself by showing him how much I cared because he didn't give a sh1t really. And that was only a few months after we split. Never mind 7 years.
As for the anger, over time I realised it was pointless holding on to that.

I read a statement which summed it up for me. It was along the lines of "being angry with someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die".
It's only yourself you're hurting. He won't give a damn that you're angry, that he hurt you so badly. He will get the email and it probably won't affect him in any shape or form. However, I assure you that if you send it, you will regret it. When you calm down and the anger fades a bit, you will feel like a muppet for sending it.
If you send it and he replies with a "sorry" it won't make things better.
If you send it and he ignores you, you will implode with anger that he's duped you once again.

Try to let it go.
After 7 years, if he texted you and you were in a healthy place with what had happened, all you would think is "how strange, what a gobsh1te :rolleyes:".
The fact that he texted you a year ago and you are still bubbling with resentment over him contacting you suggests you are not at peace with things. Perhaps more counselling might be an idea?
Being over someone means being impassive towards them. Not hoping good things for them but not wishing bad things on them either. Just a general "meh" feeling about them.

God I wish I had read this a few years before sending my ex ridiculous text messages which he never even responded too. I felt like such a fool.
Op read Ashes reply to you a few times and then see how you feel about sending it. Serioulsy - DO NOT DO IT!!!!

A while ago I was comtemplating getting back witha d*ckhead ex bf and all my friends and sisters were telling me not to. My best friend said to me, Okay..if you can find me 1 person who thinks it's a great idea and it will benefit you then you have my blessing. Needless to say I couldn't find anyone who thought that. I'd say the same to you..

ash23

Beetlebum wrote: »

God I wish I had read this a few years before sending my ex ridiculous text messages which he never even responded too. I felt like such a fool.
Op read Ashes reply to you a few times and then see how you feel about sending it. Serioulsy - DO NOT DO IT!!!!

I wish I'd read it too. Live and learn and share the wisdom lol. I only know because I still have the burning shame of the texts and the emails and the stupid things I said and did. Mortifying to think back.

Candypants

The email is not for him, it was for me, I don't care how he would take it, I wanted to put a ghost from my past to rest because I wasn't strong enough to do it at the end of the relationship.

Thanks for your support BarracudainCork, Ash, and Bettlebum etc.. I only wanted to get some objective advice and did not come here to be judged. If I had wanted non-objective advice, I would have asked my friends because they know what happened and how upset I was at the time. I was always in two minds over sending the email, hence coming onto the forum.

ash23

Candypants wrote: »

The email is not for him, it was for me, I don't care how he would take it, I wanted to put a ghost from my past to rest because I wasn't strong enough to do it at the end of the relationship.

Well I can tell you hand on heart it won't make anything better. It won't give you closure, it won't lay any ghosts to rest. It will only open a large can of worms and end in you feeling like crap and angry at yourself.

Candypants

Thanks Ash, I am not going to email him.

hollis12

Candypants wrote: »

I am not acting like a victim, I came looking for support not to be judged. I wanted to do something proactive, you seem to be missing the point, I got on with my life, he contacted me which brought this bad stuff back up.

no you are not acting like a victim, you did seem to get on with your life and apart from the relationship you have every right to be angry at him for contacting you again, telling him how angry you are with him and that the only thing he means to you is hate is the complete opposite of what a victim would do, you mention you went to a counselor well done there a lot of people wouldn't have the intelligence or guts to do it, the counselor may have also mentioned that if you were traumatized by a person one of the most therapeutic things you can do to put all the power back in your hands is confront the person who abused you with the truth of what he did and how you felt bout it, it makes it more real.

if you feel you need to get this off your chest do, who cares what he thinks, what importance has he in your life zero only as a hate figure. good luck to you and remember you are not a victim you are a survivor .

Candypants

Thanks Hollis12, I had thought confronting the issue was the way to put the past behind me, I really don't care what he thinks, this is not about him, if he laughs at it, that's his problem. My Counsellor at the time suggested that I should write him a letter but at the time I was too upset and did everything I could to move on to blank it out. Thank you very much for your advice.

pretty-in-pink

Candypants, I never told a sh!tbag ex ofmine about how big a sh!tbag he was eeither. and tbh I'm glad now that I haven't. I spent years being angry, and of course you're still gonna have some strong reactions to someone screwing you over, but the difference between a quick flash of "OMFG him, bah. dirtbag! and a more ongoing issue are pretty significant. Iwould think that you have not let go of what he did to you. and hey, we don'tknow what that is. It might be the most horrible thing you could do to anyone ever.

My advice to you: don't contact him, and start to fullt let go of this anger you have towards him. Its not easy, its not pretty, but it is essential,and having as strong a reaction to him as you are suggest you have not moved on, but rather crystlised a hurt, and I know they say revenge- best served cold. but really, revenge (and yes thats what the email will be) - best not served at all. it will cause you more hassle then its worth.

Candypants

Thanks Pretty-in-Pink for your post, but how do I get rid of it. If it's yoga, running or boxercise, I have already done it and the anger is still there. If its to forgive him, it's never going to happen, you can never forgive someone who deliberately set out to hurt and humiliate you. Honestly I would love to know how to let it go, I don't want him taking up space in my brain.

pretty-in-pink

its just something that happens, and for me it happened through talking to friends, and letting go of the blame I placed on myself. I still get my wobbly moments about him, butnow they only last a couple of mins and then are gone. I know you prob don'tthink you blame yourself- I didn't think I did. I mean it sounded crazy to me. but some deep thinking (years after we broke up btw) I became aware I did blame myself. and that I have/had behavioural issues that lead me into danger. Acknowleding that it wasn't my fault that he did what he did,and dealing with the issues behind my own living-in-the-line-of-fire thing have helped me massively. its an emotional work-shopping thing,not a physical distracting thing that will help you work through it.

hollis12

maybe part of you still blames yourself for what happend and that is preventing you from expressing your anger , this is just a thought theres no indication of this in what you have said but in my own experience with a past relationship i found it true for me

Candypants

hollis12 wrote: »

maybe part of you still blames yourself for what happend and that is preventing you from expressing your anger , this is just a thought theres no indication of this in what you have said but in my own experience with a past relationship i found it true for me

That is about right, I do blame myself, for not standing up for myself at the time, I am mortified that I didn't tell him to get lost when things started to go bad. I am very upfront generally, but I lost my voice and I let him mess with my head rather than walking away. It's not something that I had ever done before and I never did it afterwards.

hollis12

Candypants wrote: »

That is about right, I do blame myself, for not standing up for myself at the time, I am mortified that I didn't tell him to get lost when things started to go bad. I am very upfront generally, but I lost my voice and I let him mess with my head rather than walking away. It's not something that I had ever done before and I never did it afterwards.

well my ex from years ago still has more of a effect on me than my last one becuase she tried to mess with my head and a lot of the time i let her which led me to forgive myself for the mess that happens the biggest myth in things like this is that you need to forgive the person who caused you the hurt to move on bul*sh*t, you need to look at what happend realize it wasnt your fault and place the blame sqaurley on where it belongs him!

pretty-in-pink

wellthen if I was you chicken, I'd take it as lesson learned. hard one, but one learned. we allget knocked down. the lucky ones figure out how to get back up. and like a broken bone, you might still feel pain sometimes with inclement weather, but you learned from your mistake & the scars we carry make us who we are. forgive yourself & you can let him go

Candypants

Thanks Hollis12 and Pretty-in-Pink, you are both so kind, I am going to try to find a way to forgive myself for putting up with that gobsh1te.

beks101

Candypants, I would advise you to write that email.

Write down every last thing he did to hurt and humiliate you and how it has impacted your life so profoundly for the past seven years. Take as long as you need and as many pages as it takes to vent all the anger and hatred and regret and hurt that his arrogant, selfish text brought up in you and don't stop until you can write no more.

Then print it off and rip it up into ten million pieces. Maybe even set it alight. Delete it from your computer and move on with your life.

This is about you, not him, and after progressing so much in the past seven years (and you have progressed. You are a successful and independent woman now, who won't tolerate being treated like sh1t, hence this need to email him and set him straight ) any contact you have with him right now is going to set you back more than it is going to 'shame' him. It's not worth it. Get it out of your system, delete his text, his phone number, his email address and move on with your life.

pretty-in-pink

Its just easy to see where you're coming from, once either you or a close friend has walked amile in those shoes. Oh part of the reason its hard to walk away is cause your self-esteem is slowly decimated, you become isolated & when the mainstay in your life acts the pr!ck, you kinda feellike you deserve it becasue....... (fill in blank as appropriate for each situation)

Its not stupidity on the part of the one being bullied, but very clever manipulation on the part of the bully

hollis12

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Its just easy to see where you're coming from, once either you or a close friend has walked amile in those shoes. Oh part of the reason its hard to walk away is cause your self-esteem is slowly decimated, you become isolated & when the mainstay in your life acts the pr!ck, you kinda feellike you deserve it becasue....... (fill in blank as appropriate for each situation)

Its not stupidity on the part of the one being bullied, but very clever manipulation on the part of the bully

very true pretty in pink as humans we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt its in our nature and you could be no more angry at ourselves for that than for getting hungry or tired its natural many people involved in domestic abuse ect blame themselves to a certain degree this has no bearings on intelligence, beks 101 has a excellent idea why not give that a try

Candypants

Thanks Hollis12, I am going to take Pretty-in-Pink's idea and write everything down, it will be a tome by the end of it! I have decided that I wont send him anything, I might burn it or rip it to pieces and see what happens. Thanks again for the advice.

Danniboo

There's a fine line between love and hate. If you were truly over him you would feel indifferent and wouldn't be fretting over a text message he sent you. It sounds to me like you're trying to initiate contact to see what he will say to you. Or maybe he was just testing the waters with you with that text, he could have been looking for a booty call. I'm not trying to be hurtful or mean just some food or thought.

Candypants

Thanks for your post, honestly I don't want any contact with him, my aim was to send the email to let him know my thoughts on the matter, not to hear back from him. I have no interest in anything he has to say, he can't defend anything he has done, I was doing this purely for myself because I never got the chance to do it, obviously I should have done it immediately when I got the text last year but I was shocked by his cheek. In relation to the email, he would probably laugh and show it to his buddies that is the kind of person he is but that's a reflection on him not me. I have decided not to send it and just keep my fingers crossed for karma to do its magic.

mud

Totally agree with writing everything down . . . . on paper, read it then destroy it.

Please don't hand him your power

Once (and I KNOW it sounds corny as hell) I went to the beach with a very messed up head, found a lovely stone, sat and focused all my negative energy on the stone then threw it as far away from me as possible.

I cried that day and haven't cried over it since.

Honestly, letting him know how strongly you still feel will only weaken you.

Good luck missus x x x x x x

Peggypeg

"Anyway until I got this text message I thought I had put this horrible relationship behind me but I haven't, it's dregged up all the bad things he did again and all I want to do is write him a snotty email and tell him how much he hurt me and how much I hate him for it. I know this seems childish but I feel like I have a large black boulder in my chest from this experience and it feels like the only way I can get rid of it is to pass it back to him. I don't want to see him face to face because I think I would loose my temper and end up knocking him out."

It's not childish to want to put that anger down in a letter and tell him just how much of an arrogant bastard he is and exactly how much you hate him. In fact I think it's a fairly mature way to get rid of those demons, why should you carry them around? Write the email. But, sign off with the following sentence:

Don't ever contact me in any manner, I will not respond if you do.

Candypants

Hey Mud and Peggypeg, thanks for your posts, they were really nice.