A weird, weird story (swingers and lies)

LegacyUser

I don't know how to make this as short as possible, so, i guess i have to just say it as it is. which will mean its long, but i really need advice.

I was dating a girl since the start of July 2009 until about 2 weeks ago. She is 20 and I am 25. Im afraid to say but I met her from a social networking site. (tagged)

I guess I have to start with what happened in October. I was dating her for around 4 full months at this time (it was the end of october) and I learned that she had an older, married swinger friend. A man named Jack who is openly married to a bisexual wife and who both openly swing with other people. She was friends with him for around a year at this point. I was totally in the dark about this one. Jack was someone she mentioned as just being a friend and polish. I knew nothing more.

It seems that this man jack was constantly telling my now ex gf that she should have a bisexual experience. Often telling her about "sex parties" he would hold and inviting her. All this was behind my back.

Now how I learned this was a very weird situation also. It turns my ex-gf was bi-curious and wanting to try an experience with a women. It just so happened a girl named jess was talking to the swinger guy jack on tagged, and after what appeared to be long conversations, and also this jess girl saying my ex-gf was attractive (as my ex and jack were friends on tagged) jack told my ex-gf that a women was talking to him he was also bi curious.

after a chat with my ex and jess. My girlfriend suggested to me a 3some with her, me and this jess. I responded by saying that i didnt want this to create a problem between us, or that i could be never comfortable with if she wanted to have a 3some with another man. i said it was to be her choice, which she said, she wanted to do.

So it turns out my ex-gf was not fully bi and did not want to actually go ahead with it which is perfectly understandable. She just didnt want to for whatever reason. At this point, this is how i learned about her friend jack the swinger and how he was at her to try a bisexual experience for a good long time now. I had a fight about her how it was just a so called coincidence that he (jack) happened to have a bisexual wife and was trying to make my gf bisexual? ...

anyways, after a fight. she said that all was a mistake. that jack was only out for what he could "gain" from her being bisexual. She told me she was disgusted by him and didnt want to mention him or the situation anymore. So i forgot all that happened and we moved on.

About 2 months later, around December 27th 2009, my ex-gf was on the Luas home to tallaght after spending christmas with her cousin. "accordingly" (i put that in commas as you'll see why in a moment) she "met" a man on the luas on the way home. A random stranger who happened to talk to her about a book I got for christmas for her (Christopher Booker - Seven Basic Plots - a book about helping to write stories) -accordingly this man was a writer with serveral stories published. She gave him her number. She later went home and told me all this. She told me he was a man in his late 30's and named Mike. I was mad at her for giving her number to a stranger on the luas, who, lets face it. was trying to chat her up. (as it sounds like)

So the next day I am ringing her. She says she is getting another call (as she has that call option selected) So we end the call... after about an hour. She rings me back and I ask "who was that?" (thinking it was that Luas guy) it turns out it was him. I asked how long was she on the phone to him? she says 40-45 mins. She explains how he can help her with writing and how she wanted to meet him and that she wanted me to meet him also. so after some questions i finally get it out of her that writing was NOT the only thing they talked about. That "accordingly" his parents were swingers and how he goes to orgies and also how he asked her to goto one...

I have a major fight with her.

we break up.

For obvious reasons i was thinking whats the chances she'd meet another perverted man into swinging on the luas of all places?!

I havent really talked to her since. Apart from about 3 texts. Usually me trying to explain how she did wrong. falling on deaf ears.

I find out two days ago, from a friend that she indeed met this mike a few days ago and how i was meant to be "parnonoid" - that was accordingly the issue.

I think i already know my answer and feelings on this one. But i would love to hear from the other boards members.

MugMugs

Call_me_Andrew wrote: »

I don't know how to make this as short as possible, so, i guess i have to just say it as it is. which will mean its long, but i really need advice.

I was dating a girl since the start of July 2009 until about 2 weeks ago. She is 20 and I am 25. Im afraid to say but I met her from a social networking site. (tagged)

I guess I have to start with what happened in October. I was dating her for around 4 full months at this time (it was the end of october) and I learned that she had an older, married swinger friend. A man named Jack who is openly married to a bisexual wife and who both openly swing with other people. She was friends with him for around a year at this point. I was totally in the dark about this one. Jack was someone she mentioned as just being a friend and polish. I knew nothing more.

It seems that this man jack was constantly telling my now ex gf that she should have a bisexual experience. Often telling her about "sex parties" he would hold and inviting her. All this was behind my back.

Now how I learned this was a very weird situation also. It turns my ex-gf was bi-curious and wanting to try an experience with a women. It just so happened a girl named jess was talking to the swinger guy jack on tagged, and after what appeared to be long conversations, and also this jess girl saying my ex-gf was attractive (as my ex and jack were friends on tagged) jack told my ex-gf that a women was talking to him he was also bi curious.

after a chat with my ex and jess. My girlfriend suggested to me a 3some with her, me and this jess. I responded by saying that i didnt want this to create a problem between us, or that i could be never comfortable with if she wanted to have a 3some with another man. i said it was to be her choice, which she said, she wanted to do.

So it turns out my ex-gf was not fully bi and did not want to actually go ahead with it which is perfectly understandable. She just didnt want to for whatever reason. At this point, this is how i learned about her friend jack the swinger and how he was at her to try a bisexual experience for a good long time now. I had a fight about her how it was just a so called coincidence that he (jack) happened to have a bisexual wife and was trying to make my gf bisexual? ...

anyways, after a fight. she said that all was a mistake. that jack was only out for what he could "gain" from her being bisexual. She told me she was disgusted by him and didnt want to mention him or the situation anymore. So i forgot all that happened and we moved on.

About 2 months later, around December 27th 2009, my ex-gf was on the Luas home to tallaght after spending christmas with her cousin. "accordingly" (i put that in commas as you'll see why in a moment) she "met" a man on the luas on the way home. A random stranger who happened to talk to her about a book I got for christmas for her (Christopher Booker - Seven Basic Plots - a book about helping to write stories) -accordingly this man was a writer with serveral stories published. She gave him her number. She later went home and told me all this. She told me he was a man in his late 30's and named Mike. I was mad at her for giving her number to a stranger on the luas, who, lets face it. was trying to chat her up. (as it sounds like)

So the next day I am ringing her. She says she is getting another call (as she has that call option selected) So we end the call... after about an hour. She rings me back and I ask "who was that?" (thinking it was that Luas guy) it turns out it was him. I asked how long was she on the phone to him? she says 40-45 mins. She explains how he can help her with writing and how she wanted to meet him and that she wanted me to meet him also. so after some questions i finally get it out of her that writing was NOT the only thing they talked about. That "accordingly" his parents were swingers and how he goes to orgies and also how he asked her to goto one...

I have a major fight with her.

we break up.

For obvious reasons i was thinking whats the chances she'd meet another perverted man into swinging on the luas of all places?!

I havent really talked to her since. Apart from about 3 texts. Usually me trying to explain how she did wrong. falling on deaf ears.

I find out two days ago, from a friend that she indeed met this mike a few days ago and how i was meant to be "parnonoid" - that was accordingly the issue.

I think i already know my answer and feelings on this one. But i would love to hear from the other boards members.

Sorry but I dont see the question here.... ?

IT seems to me that your Girlfriend has been honest with you and is looking for something that you dont want and cant give her.... Stay broken up !

LegacyUser

erm,
hmm.
i dont know how to respond to that.

I am talking about a girlfriend who is interested in swingers, gangbangs, etc and not being honest in saying she is. In fact, to quote her "no not interested" - but yet, her actions.


she is trying to pass this situation off as me not understanding. thats the question, how am i getting this wrong?

and when i say understanding >> understanding that accorodingly that she only wants to be friends ... but yet. sex / swingers / that side of perversion keeps getting mentioned?

martdalto

I'm not sure if you're mis-using the word "acordingly", or if I just don't understand what it is your trying to say when you use it.. possibly my fault, so apologies.

Anyway, what exactly is it you're looking for advice on? It would seem strange that a man on the luas tried to set up a swingers type thing with her.. but not completely unheard of!

A man started speaking to me on a 5 minute bus journey a while ago, I politely spoke back (it was only 5 minutes!) when I got off the bus, he got off, followed me (freaked me out a bit, so I went into a shop) - and insisted on giving me his phone number (asked for mine but I told him I didn't have a phone!!) and "told" me to ring him, to arrange a date. He was very insistent and very forceful. He scared the bejaysus out of me!

So it's not unimagineable that this happened your gf on the luas. And maybe she was just being polite by talking to him, and wasn't assertive enough to say "Please go away now"..

I do think that you are probably not right for each other at the moment. Plenty more fish in the sea etc etc!

LegacyUser

I guess my advice is ...
i'm listening to what she has to say. that i was too parnanoid.


but i know in my heart and soul i know i have not been.
like, if you date someone, for six months. someone who says they love you, and did what they did above...

I guess. I am looking for peoples opinions on this.

LegacyUser

martdalto,
i see what you're trying to say.
just fact is, she gave her number out, then the next day had a 45 min talk over the phone with him. then rang me and said she wanted to meet him. then, after about 2 mins of "was that all he said" - she turned around and said sex, swingers and sex parties / orgies was apart of the topic.

thats not a topic you have with a so called stranger you meet on the luas.

shellyboo

She didn't do anything wrong. She has bisexual tendencies - she's interested in swinging. She's trying to express this to you in admittedly a very clumsy way...

But she hasn't slept with anyone or done anything behind your back except talk to people who share her kink - a kink you have declared to be a "perversion".

You are being paranoid and you are being narrow-minded. All your gf was trying to do was involve you in an aspect of her sexuality - she didn't make a very good job of it, but instead of listening to her, you overreacted.

I think she's probably better off without you - and you could do with finding someone you're more compatible with sexually, too.

LegacyUser

I feel that i should explain myself more so.
You know yourself when writing something that touches your feelings you skip over things.


She said, and quote that she is not bi. She thought she was. But is not.
She said that her friendship with the older married man jack in october was a mistake.

then, 2 months later (december 2009)
she wanted to become friends with another man with swinging connections.


me as her boyfriend of 6 months, who has said she loves me, am i meant to be perfectly acceptable that she wants to be friends with more swinginrg friends?
like, see, in october she was disgusted with her friendship with jack. To quote her "not realising" ...

my point is, in her words, she made a mistake with being friends with such a man who only wanted to have a3some with her and his wife.


then in december she wanted to become friends with ANOTHER swinging man.

You see the bind i am in ?
was i being fed lies all along?
was the "jack situation" really a mistake? .. or just a mistake because i learned of it.
we were meant to be in a loving relationship. Am i meant to be comfortable knowing she wants to pertake in sex with serveral men?

Zaph

call_me_andrew wrote: »

Am i meant to be comfortable knowing she wants to pertake in sex with serveral men?

I can't see how that matters any more if you're no longer a couple.

LegacyUser

well...
when i say "ex"
its on fringe. ya know.


i am torn between, listening to her, and feeling whats right.

like, for anyone reading this, what if you were dating somone who says they just want you...ONLY YOU.... no one else. but yet they show much signs of wanting to explore sex orgies?

like, she says she doesnt want too. but yet, why all the above?
ya know.

shellyboo

You don't have to be comfortable with it, no... But she's not a pervert or a bad person for having a kink.

If you don't want a gf who's into swinging and is unsure about her sexuality - which is all it sounds like to me, uncertainty - that's your choice and your preference. But she still didn't do anything wrong.

Nevyn

Because she is young and is curious and is flattered by the notice she is getting.
Plenty of people go and learn more about swinging or other alt/kink sexualities and thier communites and ever do anything, they are pretty much know as tourists.

Your insecurties are making you freak and panic, if you can't handle a mature converstaion with out getting swamped with fears then leave her to live her life and explore with out you breathing down her neck.

LegacyUser

Shelly,
I see where you are coming from.
I do.

But that also means that if a person is in a 6 month+ relationship. It is alright to give phone numbers out to unknown people on the luas?
then have a near hour long conversation the next day?
where swinging and sex parties are talked about? but, officially, to the partner (me in this case) sex parties are not what they are into?


like,
what i am trying to say is...
look whatever people are into. who is another to judge?
if thats not what another person wants. dont be with them. but the fact is, she said one thing (no, i dont like that sort of thing) but on the other hand, her actions are saying she does. get me?

so is me being "parnonoid" really an accurate description?

starchild

if I agree with previous posters, your girlfriend seems to be going through a time where she is interested in exploring different experiences, its possible she is bi sexual, its possible orgys may be her thing or its possible that she is just interested and will never participate.

You have obviously have very deep feelings for her and this is making you very insecure. I think you have a clear choice, if the relationship is going to go forward i believe you will have to accept her willingness to explore her sexuality. You will have to learn to trust her and try not to place limitations on the relationship.

I can understand some of where you are coming from, not many men would be happy with number exchanges, forty five min conversations and then meet ups, it would set alarm bells off in most relationships.

The key is how you react, if your immediate reaction is to dump her and not believe her then that is where this will end. If you genuinely feel like you cannot trust her anymore then the relationship is best finished anyway as it will not survive without trust.

id imagine that breaking up with her is not really what you want which is probably quiet upsetting for you so on that front i hope you are doing ok

LegacyUser

Thanks for the words.
but,
i think people are getting confused. she is not BI!
she thought she was. but shes not.
she, however wants to be friends with men who are in the swinger lifestyle. not for exploring bisexuality. But for having serveral men at once.

See im at a weird place with this.
The fact is of life, is someone wants to do something, who is anyone to say they cant?

but at the same time. if you're in a relationship and just not being honest with the partner of your true feelings, and, doing so much actions to say thats what you want?

whats right?
I mean, i am all for being honest. you tell people what you want. you dont hide it. this girl has said so many times she is not interested in that. .. ... but... the old saying "judge people on not what they say, but their actions"

I guess the situation can be summed up by this line. you're with a girl for 6 plus months. By her actions she wants to have serveral men at once. How can i be comfortable with this?

shellyboo

i_am_andrew wrote: »

Shelly,
I see where you are coming from.
I do.

But that also means that if a person is in a 6 month+ relationship. It is alright to give phone numbers out to unknown people on the luas?
then have a near hour long conversation the next day?
where swinging and sex parties are talked about? but, officially, to the partner (me in this case) sex parties are not what they are into?

She can give her number to whoever she likes - he offered to help her with writing. I can't see why that wouldn't be ok, She's allowed talk to other men if she wants.

I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with her talking about swinging with him - but she couldn't talk to you about it, could she? When she told you she wasn't interested, she was obviously just telling you what you wanted to hear. Because you clearly weren't interested.

like,
what i am trying to say is...
look whatever people are into. who is another to judge?
if thats not what another person wants. dont be with them. but the fact is, she said one thing (no, i dont like that sort of thing) but on the other hand, her actions are saying she does. get me?

so is me being "parnonoid" really an accurate description?

Yes, it is. She did absolutely nothing except discuss her kink with others and hide it from you. Why did she hide it from you? Because you think it's perverted and it means she wants to sleep with loads of other men. That's paranoia. Instead of talking to her about it, her desires and confusion, you decided that swinging means your gf was going to have sex with other guys. That's paranoid.

LegacyUser

Shelly,
what if i said "thats ok"


and she pertaked in an act.


then what?
Instead of telling me how i should of handled this situation. How would you react?
From your name shelly, i imagine you are a girl. What if a guy you were with was saying what i said above? that he was clearly interested in sex orgies and interested in becoming friends with people who pertake.

what if you were cool with it and he did something?

would you not feel like a fool for giving blind trust?


I guess the whole point of this topic is to see, what is. to give someone 100% trust.
But dont we live in a world of liars and cheats? of course not everyone is. But reading upon situations is the key.


but thats the point. to read a situation. to give trust 100% because they have no bad intention, or to give it foolishnessly.


So what is it?
I'm parnanoid not to trust her if she doesnt do anything?
but if she did - "i was foolish to give trust"


this whole topic is, pretty much about reading and what is the best way to react.

Mr. Incognito

Hold on here a second.

His girlfriend wants a threesome with another woman.

Boyfriend outlines he is not comfortable with it but will go with it if she wants.

Girlfriend is openly courting fellas for swinging parties.

She has two choices- either she can knuckle down and be monogomous or break up with her boyfriend to go explore her sexuality.

She choose the latter. It's not your fault for wanting an monogomous relationship, it's just she doesn't.

Not compatable needs at the moment.

I'd cut her off and trust me she'll find that the reality never matches the fiction and it'll be out of her system.

Whether you want to take her back at that stage or not will be up to you.

Personally I'd tell her to take a hike. Blaming the break up on you for being paranoid is a childish excuse- if she was being honest she'd just say I want to be single to go swing and see what it's like

Dublin141

What I'm getting from it is that the girl is curious, maybe threesomes/orgies are something in her range of fantasy. Maybe she wants to partake, maybe she's afraid to, maybe she just likes hearing about it. For any of these suggestions, it's entirely plausible that she speaks about these things with like minded people, I think that's quite normal for anyone with a similar interest or anyone who is curious about something new. She doesn't know if she's interested in acting out so she tells you what she thinks you want to hear. She was interested in or had talked about swinging long before she met you and obviously it wasn't something she could talk to you about comfortably - I mean, you called it a perversion in your initial post.

She wasn't comfortable with the Jack person because of what he was trying to gain from her not that he was a swinger. It was a big mistake to argue with her about his intentions. She's a young impressionable girl, my first reaction would have been that he was in the wrong and not her. I think you misread that whole situation completely. You were pissed that this older man seemed to be practically grooming your girlfriend for a 3some with him and his wife but you took your anger out on the wrong person.

I think it's pretty clear that she's been interested or curious in this kind of thing for a long time but hasn't had the nerve to discuss it with you openly for fear of your reaction. I don't know what you're like in real life, it's just in your post you seem kind of disgusted with it all and maybe she sensed that from you and lied so you wouldn't be disgusted with her. People in relationships lie to make the other person feel better, going over and over it in your head isn't going to change that.

I don't think this is the girl for you anyway. You both have completely different ideas of what is acceptable and/or normal behaviour. You aren't happy with how she has acted and she obviously isn't happy with how you've reacted if she's saying you're paranoid which I'm inclined to agree with, sorry. You were only together 6 months or so, chalk it up to an experience and let it go. Find someone you are compatible with and let her do the same. You're just going to drive yourself mad with this stuff. Next time be a bit more broad-minded and a little less insecure. Just because someone has an interest in something doesn't mean they are going to follow through. And remember that you're on your high horse about your ex now but you did agree to try out a 3some with her, as long as it involved another girl and not a man, I just find that a bit hypocritical. And by the way, she backed out of that so I don't know why you seem to be assuming she's going to be doing it with other people behind your back.

Kimia

OP the word you're looking for is 'apparently' or 'allegedly', not 'accordingly'.

Also, I would have a problem with my boyfriend giving his number out to strange ladies on public transport if I'm honest.

Have you had a frank discussion with her?

kittenkiller

Just because you're not interested in doing something doesn't mean your girlfriend can't be!
If you fantasize about two girls it doesn't mean your ex needs to think it's great and want to be with two girls too.
Same with you and her fantasies!

She's been open and honest with you so far yet you've punished her by dumping her.
If you ever get back together I'd make sure that you never repeat this behaviour or she'll know she can never be honest with you again.

She can't dictate what other people talk to her about!
She can't refuse to speak to anyone who might have a sex life that's out of the ordinary either.

Do you think that she's flirting with these people for attention?
Do you think she's going to go behind your back with anyone male or female?
Do you think that just because you're not into the stuff she is that she needs to burn it our of her mind?

You're coming across as quite insecure and untrusting.
I think you need to sit down and figure out what exactly your issue is.
Leave your ex alone in the mean time.
Once she's over you she's probably going to have a whale of a time!

calahans

OP - you need to end you contact with this girl. You may love her but she is going to wreck your head. She may just even like flirting with older guys.

Most people would be unhappy with their partners giving out their number to people of the opposite sex.

Don't feel guilty about anything. You have done the right thing. You tried to make a relationship work but it wont as you are not compatible.

You might even get an STD for your troubles!

ManOfMystery

kittenkiller wrote: »

Just because you're not interested in doing something doesn't mean your girlfriend can't be!
If you fantasize about two girls it doesn't mean your ex needs to think it's great and want to be with two girls too.
Same with you and her fantasies!

She's been open and honest with you so far yet you've punished her by dumping her.
If you ever get back together I'd make sure that you never repeat this behaviour or she'll know she can never be honest with you again.

I'd hardly say she was open and honest, she told the OP she wasn't interested in pursuing any of this yet her actions suggest otherwise.

She can't dictate what other people talk to her about!
She can't refuse to speak to anyone who might have a sex life that's out of the ordinary either.

Would you say it's normal for a girl with a partner to engage in conversation about sex, swingers, etc with a stranger they only met 45 mins previously on the bus? Talking with someone works both ways - if she didn't want to discuss the topic of sex with a stranger, she could have politely asked him to leave her alone, or change the topic. She didn't. I for one would not appreciate my girlfriend having a conversation about sexual interests with an absolute stranger of the opposite sex who then gives her his number - there are boundaries which shouldn't be crossed.

Do you think that she's flirting with these people for attention?
Do you think she's going to go behind your back with anyone male or female?
Do you think that just because you're not into the stuff she is that she needs to burn it our of her mind?

Part of being in an adult relationship is learning to accept that you can't just do whatever you like, whenever you like without consideration for your partner. Unless both parties in a relationship are fully happy to engage in threesomes, swinging, etc, it will never work.

You're coming across as quite insecure and untrusting.
I think you need to sit down and figure out what exactly your issue is.
Leave your ex alone in the mean time.

I think the OP has made it clear he simply wants a one on one relationship with his ex, just like the majority of couples. If he's coming across as insecure and untrusting, I would suggest that's a direct result of her actions - namely, giving out her telephone number to strangers, engaging in conversations about swinging and threesomes on more than one occasion yet denying any interest in it, claiming she may be bisexual one minute but not the next ................................................... the OP has been open and transparent about how he feels but his ex has not.

Once she's over you she's probably going to have a whale of a time!

That's just a bit of a childish thing to say.

kittenkiller

ManOfMystery wrote:

I think the OP has made it clear he simply wants a one on one relationship with his ex, just like the majority of couples. If he's coming across as insecure and untrusting, I would suggest that's a direct result of her actions - namely, giving out her telephone number to strangers, engaging in conversations about swinging and threesomes on more than one occasion yet denying any interest in it, claiming she may be bisexual one minute but not the next ................................................... the OP has been open and transparent about how he feels but his ex has not.

Except where the OP was up for the two girl threesome she was suggested!
His ex is only 20 and is intrigued by that side of herself and interested to find out more.
She has been open about being bi-curious and the OP was very understanding both at the suggestion of the threesome and the subsequent decision to avoid it.
She hasn't cheated, only spoken to people who are involved in a more adventurous sex-scene and then told her bf about it!

LegacyUser

OP I understand why u are pissed off and think you have every right to be.

But you did say you are 25 she is 20. I am 24 and was involved with a 20 year old not too long ago. I have always maintained that age doesnt matter and to an extent I still do. Ive been involved with girls older and younger and have found the maturity levels turned on their heads in some cases.

But, without going into detail, things ended with the 20 year old I was seeing and it was fine, but I found a couple of things out since that made me think WTF! The only thing I could put it down to is immaturity on her part and I have to say it sounds like your girl may be a bit too.

Now when I was with my girl, the age thing never came into things at all, it genuinley wasnt a problem. It's just on reflection that I realised she hadnt the maturity to deal with things that I would expect of someone my age. It doesnt make her a bad person, its just the way things are.

Im not saying this will be true of every relationship between people of similar age gaps, in fact another girl I was with of a similar age was perhaps the most mature, but from reading your post I think this could be the issue. Just put it down to experience, as hard as that may sound now.

martdalto

OP, you seem adamant that she isn't bi..

My impression is she isn't so sure. In fact I think she's very unsure, and is trying to tell you, but you're not listening, so she is telling you what you want to hear but still trying to hint at you that she might be.

Do you know what I mean?

She's young. She's curious. There's a chance she's not 100%, and she was hoping (after 6 months, of what you seem to consider a serious relationship) that she could at least discuss it, and possibly explore it with you.

I think there's a very good chance that she is bi - but is finding it very hard to admit it. And your reaction to her isn't going to make it any easier for her to "come out" to others who are close to her.

If you're not into it that's fine. But don't let her feel that she is doing anything wrong. She's young. She's "finding herself"(!) at the moment, if you don't want to be part of that, that's fine. You're not wrong. But neither is she. Ok, maybe she shouldn't have been in a "serious relationship" while doing this. But now that you are split up, leave her too it and wish her well.

Then find someone, who you is more into what you are into.

LegacyUser

update:

we've been broken up for about just over a week now.


i tried ringing her today but she wont talk to me. she will just pick up the phone and act like shes not there but you can hear breathing - such a childish thing to do. like pick up and speak or dont pick up at all.
but i have found out through friends she has indeed met the luas guy mike. she has already meet him! ... for what?
which, leads to believe. she probably already has had sex with him. The conversation they had was about sex after all. as stated above in this thread, a person with a partner shouldnt talk about sex with a stranger.



i'm leaving something out of the whole story i said. See my ex is going home. In fact, we both agreed upon staying together until she went away. of course, that was said in november/december when she didnt know when she was going home exactly, but now she does. appears to be soon. (within the next week)


i remember her telling me that she wanted to continue until she gets on the plane. At first I was unsure as she said something cold to me, but i agreed. I cant help but feel that now she knows the exact date shes going home (and i believe shes known that for the last few weeks, even when i was with her) - so all bets are off now? She is going home. I feel like i've served my purpose. By her own words her life could be boring. Just going to the library all day. I cant help but feel all i was used for was to have a bit more of a life. I mean I paid for everything.
Now that shes going home why not pertake in her fantasies. Although even up to a few weeks ago "that wasnt something she was interested in" (of course her actions say otherwise)



feel used.

Barracudaincork

i_am_andrew wrote: »

a person with a partner shouldnt talk about sex with a stranger.

and example of this would be starting a thread on boards perhaps??


OP put this one down to different strokes for different folks and move on to find a more like minded partner to share your bed with.

Dont get bitter, it serves no purpose and she wont even have a clue you are. Its sh1t you feel used yes, but if you put her into the "stuff you lady" pile and forget about her, you will feel better about yourself and life soon.

The Nice Jumper

To me it doesn't sound like a real relationship if one or other is talking about swinging etc. Sounds more a partnership of convenience. Having read some of these posts about swingers etc you would have to wonder if the posters are being disingenuous

Ickle Magoo

She probably had sex with him because they had a previous discussion about sex? Now that is paranoid.

OP, you sound like you are on completely different wavelengths sexually & experimentally - the break up is probably for the best & at least it was after 6 months and not 6 years. I think you are both better off finding people that share your idea of what constitutes a relationship boundary. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

just got in contact with her today.

sex had sex with him.


f**king hell.
ah im a fool.
i believed too much lies and stuff.

ah thanks for the help guys.

omahaid

OP, you are probably right, so you're as well rid of her. People in committed relationships don't give their numbers to men and talk about sex with them, they really don't. And she probably did have sex with him, lets not be naive here.

Ickle Magoo

So what if she did, she was single.

omahaid

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

So what if she did, she was single.

She must have really cared about the OP

Ickle Magoo

omahaid wrote: »

She must have really cared about the OP

The post saying she had sex with him hadn't been approved when I posted, it was just you & him making assumptions. Caring about someone doesn't stop you finding other people attractive, or having sex for that matter.

OP, she's clearly not into your the way you want her to be and you have different views on relationships, sex, etc. I think you are better off out of the relationship anyway, it clearly wasn't what you wanted & it wasn't making you happy, which is the main thing. Best of luck

magneticimpulse

you just sound controlling. she can talk to whoever she likes, that should never be your business. the fact that she has been honest shows that she is a nice person, but you throw that away because of your ego. Shes your ex now, nothing to think about now, move on.

Moomoo1

magneticimpulse wrote: »

you just sound controlling. she can talk to whoever she likes, that should never be your business. the fact that she has been honest shows that she is a nice person, but you throw that away because of your ego. Shes your ex now, nothing to think about now, move on.

but I do think andrew has been totally vindicated in the discussion in this thread. Yeah, talking to a stranger about sex and having sex with him are very different things, but more often than not one leads to the other. Therefore, I think it was totally wrong of the girl to have that sort of a conversation whilst still going out with the OP.

And the people calling him paranoid are totally off the mark, because in the end he was proven 100% right.

Ickle Magoo

Alternatively, she was never going to do anything but chat to the guy & the OP's paranoid and controlling behaviour completely turned his gf off and made the guy she spoke to seem all the more attractive, when on a date she found she & the luas guy had a gazillion times more sexual chemistry and compatibility than she had with the auld bf & she's well shot of him. And to think, things could have been so different. :cool:

martdalto

OP, I think yout big problem here is that you insist on being in contact with her even though you've broken up.

You're finished with her. You broke up because you suspected she was lying to you, and you weren't into the things that she was. When you broke up, you should have broken up. Usually that means no contact. Stop calling/texting her. Stop answering her calls and texts if she is trying to contact you.

You are finished, I don't think, knowing what you now know, there is much chance of you rekindling.. so let it go now. Chalk it down to experience, and move on.

No more contact. You're only annoying yourself.

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Alternatively, she was never going to do anything but chat to the guy & the OP's paranoid and controlling behaviour completely turned his gf off and made the guy she spoke to seem all the more attractive, when on a date she found she & the luas guy had a gazillion times more sexual chemistry and compatibility than she had with the auld bf & she's well shot of him. And to think, things could have been so different. :cool:

he didn't like the way she was going about things, he broke up with her. He came on here asking whether he was right to do so.

how the hell is _any_ of that controlling or paranoid?

And I think he was absolutely right to break up: there was obviously attraction there (with the gf and the luas guy) from the start (like is usually the case), and the OP had to jump before he was pushed really.

Finally, he is 100% right to feel aggrieved: she knew that he found her talking to strangers about sex uncomfortable, and still did it. Why did he find it uncomfortable? - because he believed that talking about sex is usually a prelude to having sex. Bullseye once again.

Ickle Magoo

The gf does absolutely nothing wrong other than talk to another guy. She brings up the idea of alternative sexual situations and the OP flat out says no. She accepted that. She chats to someone else & then takes a phone call from them and that's grounds for the OP to throw a hairy fit and they break up with the OP claiming here about her obviously sleeping with the guy.

There is a fine line between jumping and being pushed and the alternative I offered is just as valid. I'm sure most people have done things at the death or near death of a relationship their ex would view much differently to them, relationship failure "blame" is usually subjective depending on which party is giving their POV.

pretty-in-pink

so what if she slept with him? she was single. and if the OP was acting badly to her (by his own admission he sent texts to her telling her what she did wrong) then why not do it? If you're going to do the time, you may as well do the crime.

OP, while some behaviour of your ex was inappropriate, you don't sound as if you're all that readyfor a relationship either. You're best off apart. Especially when you have such different views to sex. If you were meant to be a couple,then you would have tried to see eachothers POV. Seems to me from reading your posts that she strove to see yours...and you called hers perverted. Which, incidently, its not.

The grooming aspect, well she was a victim there and blaming her for it was very harsh. It seems to me that your ex is/was enjoying the freedom of being away from home and getting to do pretty much what she wanted asshe was not with her parents. It seems that you are controling, but not in a deliberate way. However I'd be surprised if this is the only relationship thats ended on similar terms with similar patterns through out. Maybe you just need some time out and to trust your next partner fully, and listen to her without judging. nothing pushes someone away faster then being toldthat what they like/ think/ feel is wrong or disgusting.

magneticimpulse

In addition to my previous post...you dumped your girlfriend and therefore she was single. If she then decided to sleep with the guy from the Luas, then so be it...she was single! What you expect her to do, regrown her virginity? Wait months and months crying to get over you. She seemed pretty mature, honest and curious to me. You called it off and she moved on very quickly. I respect that.

It be a different story if you told us she was cheating behind your back. But so far I have seen no evidence of that. Many people come on here expressing a wish to have Threesome's...Usually its the same conclusions, its a mutual fantasy but nothing more.

LegacyUser

thank you Moomoo1:)
you made my heart a little better. reading what you said. to know that there are people out there who are nice
thank you.

first off, because i made a thread i have to accept peoples opinions. but upon learning what i did today. that she slept with him. i find that people are too wrapped up in their own little world.

i believe in facts.
facts dont lie.

she talked with this guy, while still with me. talked about sex. we only broke up around december 28th. After an evening of sleeping together. She met this guy last week (2nd/3rd) and people are trying to tell me that i am wrong?
that i was over-reacting?
that i was parnoid?

i think most people should re-read what i said. and then drawn their conclusions.
everything i said in this tread was 100% fact. I created it to see if my actions were wrong or right. Because I am too much of a fool to think i am always right, ... or in fact... right at times.

can anyone from reading this, can say whole heartedly that they would not feel the same? that i acted wrong?

my heart is in a weird place right now. i feel like not trusting anyone. but burning everyone. do these sound like the words of an a**hole you didnt care?

LegacyUser

Interesting thread, I don't see how anyone could pretend what the ex did was right and all the swinger/bi stuff is just a smokescreen. Like it or not, she agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with the OP and then pretty much went out and actively worked on a way to end it. It was her choice but I bet if anyone who was defending her had a partner who did the same, they'd be hurt too.

Moomoo1

magneticimpulse wrote: »

In addition to my previous post...you dumped your girlfriend and therefore she was single. If she then decided to sleep with the guy from the Luas, then so be it...she was single! What you expect her to do, regrown her virginity? Wait months and months crying to get over you. She seemed pretty mature, honest and curious to me. You called it off and she moved on very quickly. I respect that.

It be a different story if you told us she was cheating behind your back. But so far I have seen no evidence of that. Many people come on here expressing a wish to have Threesome's...Usually its the same conclusions, its a mutual fantasy but nothing more.

the point is, the talking about sex was very likely a precursor to sleeping together. She knew he was uncomfortable with it, and yet did it. So she cheated emotionally at least, if not physically. And clearly there was attraction there as well.

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

The gf does absolutely nothing wrong other than talk to another guy. She brings up the idea of alternative sexual situations and the OP flat out says no. She accepted that. She chats to someone else & then takes a phone call from them and that's grounds for the OP to throw a hairy fit and they break up with the OP claiming here about her obviously sleeping with the guy.

There is a fine line between jumping and being pushed and the alternative I offered is just as valid. I'm sure most people have done things at the death or near death of a relationship their ex would view much differently to them, relationship failure "blame" is usually subjective depending on which party is giving their POV.

I don't think your alternative is valid at all. She got dumped because of something that she could probably work out would get her dumped; she then slept with the guy whilst begging to be taken back. Chances are, the thought of sleeping with him was on her mind as soon as she met him: if you talk to someone on the train about sex chances are it would lead to something more.

Well rid in my book. And I fail to see what else the OP could have done: did you expect him to just be ok with the whole thing and continue like nothing was happening?

EDIT - basically what I am trying to say is that the OP had a hunch, as soon as she told him the train story, that there was going to be more to it than that. And he dumped her on that hunch. And his hunch was shown to be 100% the correct one.

Ickle Magoo

And I'm saying breaking up with her and being on a mission to tell her how "wrong" she was could very well have hastened her departure from him and attachment to someone else who doesn't act like that.

The assumption that she's some kind of monster because A) she is bi-curious She talked about sex with someone & C) Wasn't showing some kind of Victorian restraint and waiting a year to get with someone else is just unrealistic and immature. They were together for just six months during which time she seems to be suggesting the relationship go in a direction that the OP was determined it should not, that hardly qualifies for eternal heartbreak for either of them, tbh.

All I'm getting from the OP is a biased account of events to try and illicit some validation for his outrage that his girl wasted no time finding someone else with whom she had more in common - I can see why his pride his wounded, I can't see what she did wrong.

magneticimpulse

Call_me_andrew wrote: »

thank you Moomoo1:)
you made my heart a little better. reading what you said. to know that there are people out there who are nice
thank you.

first off, because i made a thread i have to accept peoples opinions. but upon learning what i did today. that she slept with him. i find that people are too wrapped up in their own little world.

i believe in facts.
facts dont lie.

she talked with this guy, while still with me. talked about sex. we only broke up around december 28th. After an evening of sleeping together. She met this guy last week (2nd/3rd) and people are trying to tell me that i am wrong?
that i was over-reacting?
that i was parnoid?

i think most people should re-read what i said. and then drawn their conclusions.
everything i said in this tread was 100% fact. I created it to see if my actions were wrong or right. Because I am too much of a fool to think i am always right, ... or in fact... right at times.

can anyone from reading this, can say whole heartedly that they would not feel the same? that i acted wrong?

my heart is in a weird place right now. i feel like not trusting anyone. but burning everyone. do these sound like the words of an a**hole you didnt care?

Exactly, you broke up on 28th and she got with some "after" you broke up. In my eyes, doesnt matter. I got peed off with an ex one time for willing nilly calling our relationship off...i was fed up with the arguements and went out that night and found a new boyfriend. Sometimes peoples attitudes drive the ex (dumpee) to go out and find someone new immediately. What did you expect her to do after you dumped her, join a convent?

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

And I'm saying breaking up with her and being on a mission to tell her how "wrong" she was could very well have hastened her departure from him and attachment to someone else who doesn't act like that.

all I am saying is that that attachment probably was there from the start. And what do you mean by 'act like that'? He did everything by the book: broke up with her, she asked why, he told her how 'wrong' she was as explanation. The End.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

The assumption that she's some kind of monster because A) she is bi-curious She talked about sex with someone & C) Wasn't showing some kind of Victorian restraint and waiting a year to get with someone else is just unrealistic and immature. They were together for just six months during which time she seems to be suggesting the relationship go in a direction that the OP was determined it should not, that hardly qualifies for eternal heartbreak for either of them, tbh.

Well, calling him paranoid hardly qualifies her as a saint, does it?

The point is, she met someone on the train who she found attractive and spent ages talking about sex; and arranged more meetings. That's enough to ring alarm bells for any partner.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

All I'm getting from the OP is a biased account of events to try and illicit some validation for his outrage that his girl wasted no time finding someone else with whom she had more in common - I can see why his pride his wounded, I can't see what she did wrong.

all I am getting from the OP is the 'I dumped this girl because of X: was I right?' sort of question. This has nothing to do with validation and/or pride.

Moomoo1

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Exactly, you broke up on 28th and she got with some "after" you broke up. In my eyes, doesnt matter. I got peed off with an ex one time for willing nilly calling our relationship off...i was fed up with the arguements and went out that night and found a new boyfriend. Sometimes peoples attitudes drive the ex (dumpee) to go out and find someone new immediately. What did you expect her to do after you dumped her, join a convent?

If she slept with the guy, she must have found him attractive from the first meeting. Therefore, the OP's suspicions, and thus his decision were all correct.