Is my marriage over?

LegacyUser

I have to write this down to get other peoples insight, sorry about the long post in advance -

I`m married 3 years and we`re together 8 all together. I love him and he`s a great guy but I am sooooo ready for children. He says its not the right time etc etc theres always an excuse. There have been times when it was the right time - i had a permanent well paid job which I left as I kinda broke down largely because there was nothing to look forward to and I was very upset.

His excuses just don`t stack up as he has a child from a previous relationship before we met and we have her every week (which of course is as it should be). Its so difficult to see his ex every week and be tide there at the weekends. I am the only one left in the equation with no children and I`m the only one that really wants them - i`ve waited my whole life to be a mother and wanted to do it right. I feel like theres no good left in the future that i`ve waited for.

I also had a miscarriage 4 months ago and this xmas and new year have been so hard. It was not planned and came out of the blue. He was relieved and I was dying inside.

I`m getting angrier and angrier. I think about killing myself all day every day, then they`d all know how much pain i`m in, I do talk and tell people I`m having a hard time but I don`t think they believe it.

I could leave now move to dublin, lose weight, try to meet someone new etc etc but I feel to tired to reinvent myself. I have grounds for annulment so at least I could get married in a church again. He`s gone for 3 days now and I said I probably won`t be here when he gets back. We`ve been through this before and he fights to keep me from leaving (lies to me says we`ll start trying and it`ll be ok) this time there was no fight he`s given up. If I stay i`ll waste more time and it`ll probably get worse. If I leave it`ll be hard and I might end up never meeting anybody. If I kill myself it`ll all be over.

I`ve been to both individual and couples counselling its not worked for me, its not a changable situation. He as a character doesn`t move forward and celebrate lifeand you can`t change that.

Maybe this is what I deserve for being such a smart ass - thinking I can do things properly, waiting to have kids, maybe I should have thrown myself into life.

LegacyUser

I dont understand why women consider having children to be something that will always happen in a marraige, regardless of any issues or reasons surrounding it.You married your husband "for better for worse etc", theres nothing there about kids, you did not marry a promise of future children. Having kids is such a massive change in life that both partners need to take this decision together, telling your partner that you now want kids or else if not really acceptable. It's no use bringing him kids into this world if you aren't prepared to look after them and care for them and do not want them.

You seem to value kids more than the relationship with your husband. He does not have the same opinion and is very happy with you the person and the wife he married, you however are dumping him in order to have a child.In effect you have decided that the relationship you have nutured with your husband for the past 8 years is worth less than you reproducing. I cannot get my head around how anyone coud think like that and let everything go for some far off promise that you MIGHT meet someone else and you MIGHT have kids with them and you MIGHT be happy.

You are throwing away the best thing to ever happen to you, your husband, to chase something that you have no idea if it will ever happen, and in reality you will never be as happy as you are now, you might be equally happy in the future, but never happier in my opinion. So its envitabley a losing change to make.

I'd strongly advise you to think this through, Yes you can go out and maybe meet someone wonderful but there is also a huge chance you'll regret it all. Take a hard look at your relationship and the reasons why your partner does not want kids you might just find there are lots of things that he is unhappy about in the relationship that are holding him back from you. Do you listen to each others issues and really work on them? or do you dismiss his issues as not relevant and continue on as you wish?

I know you will not agree with my post but I am trying to give some perpective from the other side of the argument.

LegacyUser

Please give me your advice, what would you do? is it as simple as when you want different things separate? should I compromise and hold on? should I leave and have faith its the right thing?

seahorse

If I have read your post right it was your husband who shifted the goalposts here, not you. He agreed to start trying for children and then changed his mind when he saw that his pledge had had its intended effect - to keep you in the marriage. That was a manipulation tactic on his part and was seriously out of order. There is nothing unreasonable about wanting to have children with your own husband! - There is however something very unreasonable about his dishonesty here.

Since you are experiencing suicidal feelings I'd strongly advise you to visit your GP as you may be clinically depressed. Your mental health needs to be given urgent priority here. Only after you are thinking straight should you make any major decisions in relation to the future of your marriage. Best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Ihatetodisagree that would be fine if we hadn`t agreed to children before we married (in independant couples counselling which I aranged) and if he wasn`t aware from the beginning of our relationship how important children are to me, something that came up very early in the relationship - but he was. I never lied or misrepresented myself in any way.
It would also be fine if I didn`t have the responsibility of someone elses child with my husband every weekend. There might be some positive aspect to having no children - such as weekends away and spending xmas alone together but as we are tided to his daughter I get all the loss with non of the benefits.
So what now I`m a bad person because I want to have children, so I should grin and bear looking at him with his daughter for the rest of my life and remain childless and resentful?
You know I`m not a bad person I would never get pregnant without it being a decision, I respect his right to choose, I don`t respect his right to lie to me and keep me around out of selfishness.

LegacyUser

havetodisagree , a church marraige does, in fact assume the union is for procreation. children are specifically mentioned in the Rite of Marraige. it may be different in a civil union, but if this ladys hubby stood up in a church and took his vows, they (in the eyes of the church) consented to "the children god may give them".

the compulsory pre marraige course is designed to highlight fundamental issues to both partners to ensure they are in agreement with issues such as this or money etc before they enter into the sacrament of marraige.

he makes promises and breaks them. she does not want to force him into having a child, she respects his view even though it breaks her heart.

she has waited her whole life to be a mother, and she has been very clear about that to him (and if she was just as clear before they married, he should not have proposed) women do have to worry about time running out. ovaries have a shelf life.


OP, you have tried talking to him, you have tried counselling, and none of these have worked. i would suggest you have a trial separation if your feelings are causing you to question the marraige. then you can both sit down and talk about what needs to be done.

good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much seahorse and on my lunch your advice was great. On my lunch you understood the exact problem and probably the correct solution so hard because it is really breaking my heart I love this man so much - I just want him to get on the rollercoaster with me, I`m scared too but not when I`m holding his hand.

Barracudaincork

OP, can i ask, if your husband was diagnosed as infertile (yes i know he has a child already, just bare with me) or you yourself found out you couldnt have children, what would become of your marriage then?

Would you leave your husband, because he cant reproduce with you no matter how much he wants to have kids?

For the record i do think its stink your in this situation and im so sorry for your loss 4 months ago, it must of been so hard for you.

seahorse

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP, can i ask, if your husband was diagnosed as infertile (yes i know he has a child already, just bare with me) or you yourself found out you couldnt have children, what would become of your marriage then?

Would you leave your husband, because he cant reproduce with you no matter how much he wants to have kids?

That's a totally different situation and not comparable at all.

LegacyUser

If we couldn`t naturally have children I would foster or adopted. Its part of our plans too. Have one then foster when we have more time and space. I love children, not just my own I just love kids, I love his daughter so much (its her mum I`m not crazy about!). I spoke to a social worker about adoption (doing some research) and if you can have children you go way down the list it could be ten years or more before we would get a child and even then it would be tough. So fostering would be great but you need a room for each child which we haven`t yet, and if you already have one it moves things along also.
I believe there very thorough when they investigate potential foster parents and I know my husbands attitude won`t inspire confidence - any probing and he`s clearly not on board.

Danniboo

Hey Op,

Firstly sorry for your loss. I understand you're desperate to have a child but using emotional blackmail with your husband and resenting seeing him with the children you don't have is not very fair. You're not long after a miscarriage and are talking about killing yourself do you really think you're in the rationale mind frame to bring a child in to this world. Even if your ultimatums work and your husband agrees, you will never be on the same page unless you both sit down and agree whole heartedly. Do you think you are trying to fill some other emptiness. You say you've nothing to look forward to in your future, does this mean your not happy in the other areas of your life, are you hoping a child will make things so much brighter. I don't mean to sound bitchy.

Barracudaincork

seahorse wrote: »

That's a totally different situation and not comparable at all.

and why isnt it comparable? If the answer is no way then we know she really loves her husband more than the love to have kids, if the answer is yes, then we know what she loves more then too. So IMO it is comparable. I was trying to get an understanding for just how much this means to her, im not saying she is doing anything right or wrong.

seahorse

Barracudaincork wrote: »

and why isnt it comparable?

Because he isn't infertile, is already a father, and added to that promised he'd be willing to be a father again. It isn't comparable in any way, shape or form. I do agree that it's an interesting question in terms of the OP gauging her priorities though.

LegacyUser

Firstly where did I "emotionally blackmail" him? I have expressed a wish not to do just that , I respect his right to choose completely.
And I said I did not want to watch resentfully - as in, in the future. I love his daughter and supported and pushed him to get access. We had to go throught the courts. His family wanted to pay his ex off and get rid of her!!! He wouldn`t be the man I love and respect if he`d done that, I love his commitment to his daughter.
And yes as pathetic as it might sound there is nothing else in my life I want to be but a mother anything else just feels fruitless. I have everything and if I wanted anything else I could have it, I`ve been very lucky in life its not that. I knew from 4 what I wanted, i was born to be a mother.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Can I ask What age are you op? If you have alot of time left before your clock runs out then maybe you should get out and meet someone new?

How Strange

Barracudaincork wrote: »

and why isnt it comparable? If the answer is no way then we know she really loves her husband more than the love to have kids, if the answer is yes, then we know what she loves more then too. So IMO it is comparable. I was trying to get an understanding for just how much this means to her, im not saying she is doing anything right or wrong.

I agree with seahorse that it isn't comparable because the situation is different if one of them can't have children. From the OP's post it seems her husband won't have children with her. I can understand her situation; it's a breach of trust between her and her husband and it's a break in one of the fundamentals on which their marriage was based. She's said she always made it clear that she wanted children so to turn around after you get married and say no is a huge turnaround. Essentially, the husband has changed the rules of their marriage after the fact.

OP, I'm sorry about your miscarriage and from reading your post I'd say you are in no psychological state to make any decisions on your marriage at the moment. Your post is full of anger and panic so you need to be in a more calm state before you decide what you want to do with your future. You should go to see your GP as soon as possible and discuss it with him/her. You're still grieving and there was the added issue that you desperately wanted to have children so you're now dealing with losing the baby and your husband telling you he doesn't want children in the future. That's a double loss for you. You need to heal psychologically and physically after your miscarriage before you can make any decisions on your marriage or your future.

Barracudaincork

seahorse wrote: »

Because he isn't infertile, is already a father, and added to that promised he'd be willing to be a father again. It isn't comparable in any way, shape or form. I do agree that it's an interesting question in terms of the OP gauging her priorities though.

Fair enough you are entitled to think that its not in any way, shape or form.................................etc etc

As i said i only asked the question to gauge her priorties not to make a thread about "what if's etc" but i think your last sentence confirms you realise that too

LegacyUser

OP, I've encountered a few of the issues you mentioned. I don't think I could have a happy life with someone who disregarded my wishes for my life so much, especially when he enjoys his own daughter. So the decent thing to do is to leave.

But:

I wonder if maybe you aren't communicating with him the right way. You are suffering alot with all this. Is it possible that he needs to see you being a bit stronger and happier before he comes to a conclusion? You say he agreed to try before, what happened then?

If you are getting a flat out refusal to try then think about leaving the relationship, but give it a few weeks til you are calmer and stronger.

Barracudaincork

How Strange wrote: »

I can understand her situation; it's a breach of trust between her and her husband and it's a break in one of the fundamentals on which their marriage was based. She's said she always made it clear that she wanted children so to turn around after you get married and say no is a huge turnaround. Essentially, the husband has changed the rules of their marriage after the fact.

I can understand it too and couldnt agree more! I have nothing but compassion for the OP and her situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, yes it is a double loss for me. He said in the hospital before the d and c that we could start tryin again when I was able - then went back on it! When I was pregnant I felt like it was my only chance and I was so stressed about telling my husband, I keep thinking maybe the stress caused it and that exaserbates (spelling?) the situation, I`m angry with him.
I have to make a decision I`ve been stuck in this limbo for too long. I am psychological vulnerable right now but thats not going to improve till I decide. My GP isn`t great and what could she do anyway I won`t take tablets and I`ve tried counselling. I have to decide its driving me mad.

Danniboo

OP here wrote: »

Firstly where did I "emotionally blackmail" him? I have expressed a wish not to do just that , I respect his right to choose completely.
And I said I did not want to watch resentfully - as in, in the future. I love his daughter and supported and pushed him to get access. We had to go throught the courts. His family wanted to pay his ex off and get rid of her!!! He wouldn`t be the man I love and respect if he`d done that, I love his commitment to his daughter.
And yes as pathetic as it might sound there is nothing else in my life I want to be but a mother anything else just feels fruitless. I have everything and if I wanted anything else I could have it, I`ve been very lucky in life its not that. I knew from 4 what I wanted, i was born to be a mother.

Telling someone "I won't be here when you get back" or "i'm going to leave you" because they won't have a child with you is emotional blackmail. Why would you be watching "resentfully" you should be happy for him, I know you say you are but saying you don't want to watch "resentfully" contradicts this. Your husband may have said he wanted kids but could possibly have changed his mind, he's human. Maybe he genuinely feels its not the right time. Does he know about your suicidal thoughts. I'm not having a go or saying he's right, he hasn't been entirely fair, but if he has changed his mind you can only move on and find someone who does want children or stay with him until he's ready. If a man gets someone pregnant he has little or no say on whether she keeps the child, has an abortion or gives it up for adoption which is hardly fair. So why should any woman be entitled to demand a man has a baby with her if he's not ready. From your post you really don't sound like your in a good place emotionally would you not go and talk to someone. I know my posts sound really unsympathetic but i'm just trying to look at it from both sides of the fence.

vorbis

Most people here are missing the main issue. To the OP, you sound seriously depressed. If you feel your GP is not that good then go to a different doctor. It also sounds like you have been depressed for quite a while and not just related to the children question?

Also I think some people here are been overly hard on the husband. The OP miscarried only 4 months ago so they obviously were trying for children. Its not like she's been at him for a year trying to get pregnant.

Barracudaincork

vorbis wrote: »

so they obviously were trying for children.

The opening post says that this wasnt planned and came out of the blue.

OP i do think you should be happy with your GP I think everyone should as its only then you can get the best care for you, so maybe think about changing to a GP you could trust and could help you more.

LegacyUser

When I said I think I should leave I meant it, thats not emotional blackmail, I don`t want to be in this situation. And yes if I`m at her wedding or graduation watching him with his daughter and its gone past that time for me I think I would not be human if I wasn`t resentful - he`s the one who doesn`t want children never gave it a thought how is that fair?

I have told you this is the only issue (of course life throws things at you but none are major enough to count here) and I need to resolve it thats why I`ve posted here to see if people have valuable input.

We are both nice people and we would probably always remain close but I don`t want us to continue arguing and tearing each other apart. He has changed his mind 100 times and convinced me each time because I love him and its hard not to believe him.

Is what your saying that I should give up on having children and take it as it comes? He is not going to turn around ever and say I`m ready for kids and if I accidently get pregnant he`ll never be happy about it, although he would be a good Dad (but possibly resentful?).

Taltos

vorbis wrote: »

Most people here are missing the main issue. To the OP, you sound seriously depressed. If you feel your GP is not that good then go to a different doctor. It also sounds like you have been depressed for quite a while and not just related to the children question?

Also I think some people here are been overly hard on the husband. The OP miscarried only 4 months ago so they obviously were trying for children. Its not like she's been at him for a year trying to get pregnant.

+1
OP - similar to this poster and seahorse I really think that before you do anything else - including getting worked up by some of the comments here - is make an appt with your doctor to discuss how you have been feeling.
You might not be depressed - but you might be.

You really have been on an emotional rollercoaster.

Then - once you have seen your doctor and get whatever help you need maybe consider one of the following.

1. Sit down and talk to your hubby. You want a child desperately and yes the time might not be right - but come on - for most folk it is never ever right.

or

2. Arrange couples counselling - see if you can get to the nub of his reticence and apparent back-pedalling here. You know - is he worried he is going to lose you or is he worried about the money with everything in the news at the moment.

However - if after all that you find you are still unhappy in this marriage then you need to ask yourself why you are staying in it.
I would also ask yourself honestly why you feel you MUST have a child - and also - would you and your partner make good parents? (well as much as you can tell). I think the earlier question about leaving your husband is a valid one - however if that relationship is built on a lie (ie he never wanted another kid) then it is understandable - however if his feelings on this have changed well - we all do change our minds.

But first off get thee off to the GP asap to deal with you feelings of loss etc.

miec

Hi Op

Like you I had always wanted a child and when I met my ex husband many, many years ago, I was 23 at the time, I told him that some day I wanted children. He said he wanted kids too. When we got married he then admitted he didn't want children at all, now at the time I was much younger (26 at this point) and I wasn't a step mother. I went along with him and said okay we won't have children, I became deeply depressed about this as I tried to change myself inside to accommodate him, one aspect of that depression was a total loss of my sex drive. I went through the motions of it but my heart was not in it. About three months after my ex said we won't have children, he then said let's try and get pregnant, so we did, it took me six months and the irony was that the month I got pregnant, we were going to split because he was serially unfaithful and I had had enough at this point, because I was pregnant I tried again to salvage our very dysfunctional relationship. When my son was born 12 years ago my ex had no interest in him, he was very jealous and our relationship, which was bad anyway, completely crumbled, by the time my son was six months old, we seperated and got divorced a year later. He has no contact with him and no desire to know him. I tell you my story for this reason, you cannot change your husband's mind and even if you do it will end horribly. He has broken his side of the bargain and trapped you into marriage just like my ex did, yes probably in his mind he loves you, he already has a child and probably doesn't want to risk having more but none of this matters.

What matters is what you want, you want children and I assume you want it with a man who shares your passion for children, there are hundreds if not thousands of men who would love to be a dad and have a small football team. Personally I would recommend you leave this marriage, the fact that you both differ on wanting children is one of those none negotiable issues. You cannot make your husband want a child, equally he cannot make you not want a child. You are tired and depressed now but in a sense this can be an ideal time to change your life. Personally if I was in your shoes knowing what I do now, I would leave him, get counselling for the betrayal you received and the break up of marriage. I have been to a number of counsellors, some were good, one was **** but I have had two brilliant, life changing counsellors so do keep trying. Reivent yourself and find a man who shares your enthusiasm for children. I don't know if time is against you, but I will say this, I met some at 37, nearly 38 and if I wanted to try again for a family I know I could, I am not sure if I do right now but it is an option, so its not too late until you have the menopause. Good luck op and to be honest I personally feel your depression is related to you trying to force yourself to go against what you truly want in life so I would disregard some of the advice given here. You have played very fair with your husband, it is sad he has not done the same and your anger is justifiable.

LegacyUser

I have exaserbated (sp?) all other options thats why I`m here. I have been to counselling for 2 year and have nothing to talk about except this. We went to couples counselling for 1 year, the counsellor can`t make the decision and we have no other issues. My doctor would give me drugs but I don`t want that and I`m not depressed enough. Yes we would be the best parents, everyone tells me what a great mother I`d be. I have minded children for significant period and am very good at it, it makes me happy. I feel confident the majority of people my age have children why do I have to justify wanting one, the fact that I`ve given it serious consideration should indicate that I`m the right person to have one.

Maybe I should have just been careless then I`d have kids now. I`ve already had a miscarriage, I`m getting older, what if theres problems? - I`ve waited long enough I don`t want to spend my life thinking.... what if?

Please tell me what you would do if it was you?

MadMoss

OP here wrote: »

I spoke to a social worker about adoption (doing some research) and if you can have children you go way down the list it could be ten years or more before we would get a child and even then it would be tough. So fostering would be great but you need a room for each child which we haven`t yet, and if you already have one it moves things along also.

Hi OP, current waiting lists for intercountry adoption are 5 years, and you don't have to be a couple to do it. I think putting your name on the list for this would seem to make perfect sense for you no matter what you decide to do. If you have your own children later you can always pull out at any time.
Here are some links.
http://www.adoptionboard.ie/intercountry/index.php
http://www.iaaireland.org/
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It hard to take the steps needed. He`s sending sweet messages all day and all I want is a hug. Its so easy to just give in but then it`ll just come up again and I`ll be older and more annoyed.

username123

OP - a number of issues here.

You are in an emotional mess. You say your GP is not good. See another GP. Consider medication if thats what is being advised, to block all thoughts of help is not healthy either. Consider a different counseller. Keep your options open.

Your marriage. Your husband sounds like he chops and changes his mind without really understanding the impact it has on you. It also sounds as if he doesnt actually see how important this issue is to you. There may also be an element of 'cry wolf' here - by that I mean, you have complained about it, threatened to leave, yet you are still there. Perhaps he thinks when you vent its not 'serious' because you dont follow through on your threats. People can become desentitized to the feelings of others over time if the other person goes on about doing something but then doesnt do it - I dont mean that harshly at all, but its important to draw lines in the sand and stick to them if you want to make your point (in many areas of life). He may also agree for a quiet life when it suits him, then change his mind when it doesnt. But either way, youve accepted that behaviour from him in the past - thus making it 'ok' (in his mind) to behave like that - no serious consequences for him except a rant from you, an unenforced threat, then life back to normal for a while til the next time.
TBH - he sounds like a manipulator. And you sound like youre enabling it (whether you intend to or not).
I think you need to ask yourself whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with someone who you will resent if he doesnt have children with you. Thats your call entirely.

Having children. I dont want to belittle this issue for you, but I do want to remind you that its important to have a balance and focus on other areas in life AS WELL as wanting to be a mother. You mention in your first post not having anything to look forward to. A child will not magically make every other area of life great for you. You need to be aware of that, sort of like 'love yourself before loving other people' type of thing - I strongly suspect that you are depressed and only able to focus on this one thing. Its unhealthy for you to obsess like this though - its perfectly ok to want children, loads of children! But - not to the exclusion of every other aspect of life. There are other good things in life, so dont miss out on the rest of life with this narrow focus.

I probably havent articulated myself properly here but the best advice I can give you in a shortened version is this:
See a GP, get the mental health sorted, from a healthier mental place decide what you want to do about your marriage, put thoughts of having babies aside until you have your head together and your marriage decision sorted out.

Oh - and if you do decide to leave your marriage because you want children - thats ok too, but be sure that thats really what you want if you do it because it may be that after your miscarriage (sorry about that btw) and bad rows etc... with the hubby, you sound like you are panicking and not seeing things with as clear a head as you should.

But mental health first - thats an absolute must!!

Good luck OP.

kizzyr

OP here wrote: »

Thank you very much seahorse and on my lunch your advice was great. On my lunch you understood the exact problem and probably the correct solution so hard because it is really breaking my heart I love this man so much - I just want him to get on the rollercoaster with me, I`m scared too but not when I`m holding his hand.

Hi OP, I have gone through (kinda still am) a situation similar to yours. I feel its still too new and raw and too personal to put here. I just wanted to say please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to discuss it:)

Taltos

OP here wrote: »

Please tell me what you would do if it was you?

Please read the post from username123.
I really didn't want to go there but you have asked.
Right now - from your posts I would be concerned if you suddenly became a mother. Children do not solve everything - and can in fact highlight all that is really wrong with a relationship.

Maybe you will make a great mom. But right now - your posts are coming across loud and clear that your head is not in the right place and a child needs security and balance as well as unconditional love.

Anyway - back to your question.
As some here might know already I do not want to ever be a father. I have always been honest with partners and was lucky enough to meet someone with the same frame of mind.
So absolute am I in this that just last year I was sterilised
This will horrify many folk - but while all my family tell me I would be a great dad and tell me what a great uncle I am, I know deep in my heart I would be a nightmare parent and any child with me as a role model would not be getting the care and attention kids need.

But back to you.
Please do seek help for the depression / anxiety you are feeling.
If a kid is all you want then yes I would recommend you leave your husband immediately - sit him down and tell him that being a mother is still as important to you as when you first met, unfortunately being a father is clearly no longer what he wants and both desires cannot co-exist peacefully.

Chances are when you make the break you will find the peace you need.
It would be all too easy to try to lay out blame here and so could you - but stick to the facts.
1. You want, no need to be a mum
2. You love him
3. He clearly is not ready to commit to being a father
4. Your desire for a child is not being fulfilled and as a result you have no choice but to find what you seek elsewhere.

miec

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It hard to take the steps needed. He`s sending sweet messages all day and all I want is a hug

You are welcome. I know it is very hard but in reality it is your only option if you want to be a mother. I also think both username123 and Taltos give good advice because when I had my son I was emotional mess and I often feel like I failed him for a long long time. I wish I had been more stable when he was a baby and toddler, yes I got my **** together but it bothers me that I am only stable now. It took me huge guts to walk away, the divorce was bitter and nasty, I suffered extreme financial difficulty, none of it was easy but it was and is all worth it because I was true to myself. You can choose to listen to your husband's sweet words, fall into his arms (and they are powerful attractions) but you will always be in the same situation as you have pointed out. Is that the life you really want?

As an aside and I hope the mods won't mind me saying this, Taltos fair play to you for being honest and knowing what you wanted to do, at least you always gave your partners the choice of either accepting your decision or finding someone who wants children. I see nothing wrong with someone choosing not to have children as it is hard work and the biggest responsibility one can ever take.

Op it really is a question of being true to yourself, knowing what you can live with and what you can't live with. Leaving someone and espicially a marriage is very hard but it is doable.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Telling someone "I won't be here when you get back" or "i'm going to leave you" because they won't have a child with you is emotional blackmail. Why would you be watching "resentfully" you should be happy for him, I know you say you are but saying you don't want to watch "resentfully" contradicts this. Your husband may have said he wanted kids but could possibly have changed his mind, he's human. Maybe he genuinely feels its not the right time. Does he know about your suicidal thoughts. I'm not having a go or saying he's right, he hasn't been entirely fair, but if he has changed his mind you can only move on and find someone who does want children or stay with him until he's ready. If a man gets someone pregnant he has little or no say on whether she keeps the child, has an abortion or gives it up for adoption which is hardly fair. So why should any woman be entitled to demand a man has a baby with her if he's not ready. From your post you really don't sound like your in a good place emotionally would you not go and talk to someone. I know my posts sound really unsympathetic but i'm just trying to look at it from both sides of the fence.

Of course she's resentful, and it's only natural. Have you even read her post? She got married on the pretext that her husband wanted to have kids with her and then he reneges on it later. He was well aware of how important it was too her. And then every week she getting her face rubbed in it by constantly seeing his daughter and ex. The husband has really messed up her life. As bad and all as cheating on your partner is, I think it's even worse to do something like this and waste years of your partners life and potentially ruin their chances of ever getting to have children. That is probably the worst thing I can think you can do to your partner so I would advise her to not waste anymore time on this bastard of a husband.

Kidchameleon

Hi Op,

I really feel for you and can understand where your coming from. The only advice I can offer is that you REALLY talk to your husband. Find out deep down whats holding him back from having a child with you. There is something deep down there that he's not sharing, perhaps he's not aware of it himself... Could it be the his previous relationship was strained from the arrival of his child and he's afraid of loosing you? Thats just an example.

Good luck.

Ps. I find it disturbing that he was "releived" that you lost a child. Pretty much the opposite reaction any sane human being should have

Danniboo

OP here wrote: »

When I said I think I should leave I meant it, thats not emotional blackmail, I don`t want to be in this situation. And yes if I`m at her wedding or graduation watching him with his daughter and its gone past that time for me I think I would not be human if I wasn`t resentful - he`s the one who doesn`t want children never gave it a thought how is that fair?

I have told you this is the only issue (of course life throws things at you but none are major enough to count here) and I need to resolve it thats why I`ve posted here to see if people have valuable input.

We are both nice people and we would probably always remain close but I don`t want us to continue arguing and tearing each other apart. He has changed his mind 100 times and convinced me each time because I love him and its hard not to believe him.

Is what your saying that I should give up on having children and take it as it comes? He is not going to turn around ever and say I`m ready for kids and if I accidently get pregnant he`ll never be happy about it, although he would be a good Dad (but possibly resentful?).

If you mean it then you should leave him. Its blatantly obvious that this is far from the only issue. Lack of children does not make you want to kill yourself. I have been told I may not be able to have kids but would never dream of even thinking something like that.

I'm not saying that you should give up at all, what im saying is if you pressure him into having kids and he's not ready it could cause a rift in your relationship. No don't give up of course not, but maybe take time to see why youre having such strong negative thoughts and maybe wait until you're in a more positive place in life before you have children.

straricco

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Hi Op,

I really feel for you and can understand where your coming from. The only advice I can offer is that you REALLY talk to your husband. Find out deep down whats holding him back from having a child with you. There is something deep down there that he's not sharing, perhaps he's not aware of it himself... Could it be the his previous relationship was strained from the arrival of his child and he's afraid of loosing you? Thats just an example.

Good luck.

Ps. I find it disturbing that he was "releived" that you lost a child. Pretty much the opposite reaction any sane human being should have

Good advice, and I also would find it disturbing if your husband was relieved. Main thing here is that I think you should see a doctor, a miscarriage when you wanted a baby so much is devastating. Its seems like your not thinking straight right now so its deffo not the time to make life changing choices. Wait until you feel better.

I'm also concerned that you mention suicide, which you should discuss with your doctor. If its soley the childless situation that makes you feel this way thats one thing, but if what if its not? You need to address your feelings, talk to someone you can trust & your doctor. Suicide is an awful thing to put anyone through, my childs father killed himself 5 years ago, she's 6 now and one day i'll have to explain this to her. Think of those you leave behind, it wrecks lives

xx

Danniboo

wastedyears wrote: »

Of course she's resentful, and it's only natural. Have you even read her post? She got married on the pretext that her husband wanted to have kids with her and then he reneges on it later. He was well aware of how important it was too her. And then every week she getting her face rubbed in it by constantly seeing his daughter and ex. The husband has really messed up her life. As bad and all as cheating on your partner is, I think it's even worse to do something like this and waste years of your partners life and potentially ruin their chances of ever getting to have children. That is probably the worst thing I can think you can do to your partner so I would advise her to not waste anymore time on this bastard of a husband.

While the OP thinks its unfair, if the husband has changed his mind does mean he should be forced into having children. Maybe he is aware that his wife is suicidal and doesn't think it's the right time.You think this makes him a bastard??? How exactly????

How Strange

Danniboo wrote: »

Lack of children does not make you want to kill yourself. I have been told I may not be able to have kids but would never dream of even thinking something like that.

That's a bit of a generalisation. Some women do want children so much that they can't bear to live without any. I personally don't think I'd be so devastated if I were told I couldn't have any children (although I wouldn't know until I'm in that situation) but there are women who want feel their main goal or purpose in life is to have children. This is how the OP feels so it isn't fair to dismiss her feelings because you or I don't share them.

I'm not saying that you should give up at all, what im saying is if you pressure him into having kids and he's not ready it could cause a rift in your relationship.

I think from what the OP has said the rift has already been created because she desperately wants children and her husband says he does and then says he doesn't.

No don't give up of course not, but maybe take time to see why youre having such strong negative thoughts and maybe wait until you're in a more positive place in life before you have children.

It seems the OP knows exactly how she feels. She wants children, her husband doesn't. The only way things will change so she'll be in a more positive place is if her husband turns around and says he wants children.

OP, perhaps go to counselling and talk this whole thing through with a professional. Even if you leave your husband because you want to give yourself the chance to meet someone else there will definitely be emotional fallout from this. You need to consider what happens if you don't meet someone else or maybe you do but you both can't have a child. How would you feel then?

I can understand your desire to have a child but I think you perhaps need to see that it may not happen for you for a multitude of different reasons and how will you feel if that's the case. Will you still feel depressed or will you enjoy the life you have.

seahorse

Danniboo wrote: »

If you mean it then you should leave him. Its blatantly obvious that this is far from the only issue. Lack of children does not make you want to kill yourself. I have been told I may not be able to have kids but would never dream of even thinking something like that.

I have to say I find this attitude towards the OP very condescending and inappropriate. First of all she ought to be taken at her word when she says there are no other problems in her relationship since she is the only person posting on here who is actually in the relationship under discussion. Secondly, she is not disturbed here solely because of a "lack of children" - she is disturbed by years of lies and deliberate maneuvering by her husband, the one person she ought to be able to trust most in the world. If anyone can think of a better recipe for depression good for them, because I can’t.

Danniboo wrote: »

I'm not saying that you should give up at all, what im saying is if you pressure him into having kids and he's not ready it could cause a rift in your relationship.

There is already a rift in her relationship and it wasn’t her that caused it.

All I can say is I hope if I ever come on here expressing disappointment verging on despair paired with suicidal contemplation I hope that I am treated with more sensitivity than the OP has been in some of the responses on this thread.

Danniboo

How Strange wrote: »

That's a bit of a generalisation. Some women do want children so much that they can't bear to live without any. I personally don't think I'd be so devastated if I were told I couldn't have any children (although I wouldn't know until I'm in that situation) but there are women who want feel their main goal or purpose in life is to have children. This is how the OP feels so it isn't fair to dismiss her feelings because you or I don't share them.


I think from what the OP has said the rift has already been created because she desperately wants children and her husband says he does and then says he doesn't.


It seems the OP knows exactly how she feels. She wants children, her husband doesn't. The only way things will change so she'll be in a more positive place is if her husband turns around and says he wants children.

OP, perhaps go to counselling and talk this whole thing through with a professional. Even if you leave your husband because you want to give yourself the chance to meet someone else there will definitely be emotional fallout from this. You need to consider what happens if you don't meet someone else or maybe you do but you both can't have a child. How would you feel then?

I can understand your desire to have a child but I think you perhaps need to see that it may not happen for you for a multitude of different reasons and how will you feel if that's the case. Will you still feel depressed or will you enjoy the life you have.

No of course not, no one is dismissing her feelings but i dont think it's sound advice to tell someone who is emotionally fragile and having suicidal thoughts to have a baby. I think a lot of women don't think they'll be that upset, but trust me I cried my eyes out. Anyways besides the point and off topic.

Danniboo

seahorse wrote: »

I have to say I find this attitude towards the OP very condescending and inappropriate. First of all she ought to be taken at her word when she says there are no other problems in her relationship since she is the only person posting on here who is actually in the relationship under discussion. Secondly, she is not disturbed here solely because of a "lack of children" - she is disturbed by years of lies and deliberate maneuvering by her husband, the one person she ought to be able to trust most in the world. If anyone can think of a better recipe for depression good for them, because I can’t.



There is already a rift in her relationship and it wasn’t her that caused it.

All I can say is I hope if I ever come on here expressing disappointment verging on despair paired with suicidal contemplation I hope that I am treated with more sensitivity than the OP has been in some of the responses on this thread.

I am not condescending, i'm simply offering my advice to the OP which I am entitled to do without been insulted. Yes you're dead right she should be taken at her word, and her own words state that she is suicidal. Do you not think the OP should take time to herself to get into a better mind frame and a happier place in life, and then decide what she needs to do.

Barracudaincork

Danniboo wrote: »

[/b]


Lack of children does not make you want to kill yourself. I have been told I may not be able to have kids but would never dream of even thinking something like that.

I had to re read this line a few times, as i couldnt believe you could say something so belittleling to someone who is feeling the way she does. A little compassion and less about how great and strong you are wouldnt go a miss.

Danniboo

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I had to re read this line a few times, as i couldnt believe you could say something so belittleling to someone who is feeling the way she does. A little compassion and less about how great and strong you are wouldnt go a miss.

Not once did I say I was great and strong and I don't appreciate you judging me. I was simply saying that the OP seems to have other issues besides just wanting to have children and that she should try looking after herself and seeing someone.Would you not agree that someone who is having suicidal thoughts might possibly have more going on besides wanting to have children? How is that belittling or is it just because my view is different that you are resorting to personal insults.

straricco

OP, I think above all else, you have to deal with your suicidal thoughts. And perhaps the previous poster is correct in saying that maybe your husband knows you are depressed and suicidal and thats why he won't commit to having a baby with you. Afterall your miscarriage had such a terrible effect on you & perhaps this is very obvious to him. Try just to focus on your health and I really hope for you that everything else will fix itself.

Danniboo

straricco wrote: »

OP, I think above all else, you have to deal with your suicidal thoughts. And perhaps the previous poster is correct in saying that maybe your husband knows you are depressed and suicidal and thats why he won't commit to having a baby with you. Afterall your miscarriage had such a terrible effect on you & perhaps this is very obvious to him. Try just to focus on your health and I really hope for you that everything else will fix itself.

+1

This is my thoughts exactly, maybe I said it arseways.

seahorse

Danniboo wrote: »

I am not condescending, i'm simply offering my advice to the OP which I am entitled to do without been insulted. Yes you're dead right she should be taken at her word, and her own words state that she is suicidal.

They also state that there is only one issue in her marriage, but you chose to disregard that for some reason and tell her that it was "blatently obvious" that she was mistaken in saying so.

Danniboo wrote: »

Do you not think the OP should take time to herself to get into a better mind frame and a happier place in life, and then decide what she needs to do.

I do and if you check my past posts you will see that I've already said so, but I did not put that to her in a manner was demeaning and likely to make her feel worse than she already does. I am not trying to insult you; I am saying that when you are communicating with a person who has expressed suicidal ideation a good deal more sensitivity would not go amiss.

Barracudaincork

Danniboo wrote: »

Not once did I say I was great and strong and I don't appreciate you judging me. I was simply saying that the OP seems to have other issues besides just wanting to have children and that she should try looking after herself and seeing someone.Would you not agree that someone who is having suicidal thoughts might possibly have more going on besides wanting to have children? How is that belittling or is it just because my view is different that you are resorting to personal insults.

You didnt use the words great and strong, you said you could never dream of doing something like suicide over kids, therefore suggesting you are stronger than the OP.

The fact you say you dont appreciate me judging you and that its a personal insult suggests you got wound up by my comment as no where did i judge you or insult you. Chill out, I asked for you to show compassion to someone who may not be as strong as you, thats all.

Regarding your other points yes i agree, i think the OP needs to be happier etc before she has children, for her and the childrens sake. You have articulated that point many times and very well in this thread.

Danniboo

seahorse wrote: »

They also state that there is only one issue in her marriage, but you chose to disregard that for some reason and tell her that it was "blatently obvious" that she was mistaken in saying so.



I do and if you check my past posts you will see that I've already said so, but I did not put that to her in a manner was demeaning and likely to make her feel worse than she already does. I am not trying to insult you; I am saying that when you are communicating with a person who has expressed suicidal ideation a good deal more sensitivity would not go amiss.

Yes her main issue being not having children. Having suicidal thoughts is an issue also which was my point, and in my opinion far more important.

seahorse

Danniboo wrote: »

Yes her main issue being not having children. Having suicidal thoughts is an issue also which was my point, and in my opinion far more important.

You forgot to embolden "in her marriage". I am not in the mood of going in circles with you Danniboo and doubt it would assist the OP. Good day to you.

OP, I'm going to step out of this conversation now but please just bear in mind the fact that your husband had no right to shift the goalposts in your marriage in the way that he did and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your depression is a symptom of the situation you are dealing with and you did nothing to invite that. I hope you choose to get help for your troubles. Take care.

wasper

To.st.jude wrote: »

I have to write this down to get other peoples insight, sorry about the long post in advance -

I`m married 3 years and we`re together 8 all together. I love him and he`s a great guy but I am sooooo ready for children. He says its not the right time etc etc theres always an excuse. There have been times when it was the right time - i had a permanent well paid job which I left as I kinda broke down largely because there was nothing to look forward to and I was very upset.

His excuses just don`t stack up as he has a child from a previous relationship before we met and we have her every week (which of course is as it should be). Its so difficult to see his ex every week and be tide there at the weekends. I am the only one left in the equation with no children and I`m the only one that really wants them - i`ve waited my whole life to be a mother and wanted to do it right. I feel like theres no good left in the future that i`ve waited for.

I also had a miscarriage 4 months ago and this xmas and new year have been so hard. It was not planned and came out of the blue. He was relieved and I was dying inside.

I`m getting angrier and angrier. I think about killing myself all day every day, then they`d all know how much pain i`m in, I do talk and tell people I`m having a hard time but I don`t think they believe it.

I could leave now move to dublin, lose weight, try to meet someone new etc etc but I feel to tired to reinvent myself. I have grounds for annulment so at least I could get married in a church again. He`s gone for 3 days now and I said I probably won`t be here when he gets back. We`ve been through this before and he fights to keep me from leaving (lies to me says we`ll start trying and it`ll be ok) this time there was no fight he`s given up. If I stay i`ll waste more time and it`ll probably get worse. If I leave it`ll be hard and I might end up never meeting anybody. If I kill myself it`ll all be over.

I`ve been to both individual and couples counselling its not worked for me, its not a changable situation. He as a character doesn`t move forward and celebrate lifeand you can`t change that.

Maybe this is what I deserve for being such a smart ass - thinking I can do things properly, waiting to have kids, maybe I should have thrown myself into life.

You said that you broke down & left work. I think you not ready for having children. You need to work on your relationship first before adding more to the equation.
You can get pregnant anytime you want. He can't stop it from happening. But I think you are the type that feels they need children more than relationship. I am willing to bet that even with a child in the future you will still leave him. You are really bothered about him staying or not as long as you have your child.
Please don't tie this man to another child. Go and find another man that is ready to have a child with you.
Sorry for being harsh but I think making the baby is the easiest part. What comes after is the real challenge.