Men in their 30's

LegacyUser

Over the last three weeks, I met two seemingly normal men....one however got cold feet over a trip to the cinema (although at least he didn't feed me with a bull story); the other seemed all excited to meet me, spent the best part of the night talking to me, lo and behold I haven't heard from him since.


What is the story with men in their thirties? I've done a lot of thinking about it and I've come to a few conclusions:
1. Men in their thirties assume that any girl they meet is out looking for a husband, or someone to have children with
2. They're afraid of commitment, and see any sort of date with a girl as a step into dangerous territory

I know people will say 'not all men in their thirties are like that'. And maybe my conclusions are wrong, but recently I can't help but feel that men in their thirties have these views. Sometimes I wonder if I was more demanding would I get more respect? As it is, I'm quite laid back when it comes to talking to men, or contacting them. I have my own interests in life, and do not rely on others to make me happy.

So has anybody had the same experiences? Or anybody know what's going on? Maybe I'm sending out a bad signal that only men in their thirties can hear!!??

Eve_Dublin

confused10 wrote: »

Over the last three weeks, I met two seemingly normal men....one however got cold feet over a trip to the cinema (although at least he didn't feed me with a bull story); the other seemed all excited to meet me, spent the best part of the night talking to me, lo and behold I haven't heard from him since.


What is the story with men in their thirties? I've done a lot of thinking about it and I've come to a few conclusions:
1. Men in their thirties assume that any girl they meet is out looking for a husband, or someone to have children with
2. They're afraid of commitment, and see any sort of date with a girl as a step into dangerous territory

I know people will say 'not all men in their thirties are like that'. And maybe my conclusions are wrong, but recently I can't help but feel that men in their thirties have these views. Sometimes I wonder if I was more demanding would I get more respect? As it is, I'm quite laid back when it comes to talking to men, or contacting them. I have my own interests in life, and do not rely on others to make me happy.

So has anybody had the same experiences? Or anybody know what's going on? Maybe I'm sending out a bad signal that only men in their thirties can hear!!??

No, not all men in their thirties are like that and interestingly, I've dated a few men who've talked about settling down (and hinting that I might be the "lucky lady"...:eek:) very early on. One guy I dated for a while introduced me to his friends as his future wife with no hint of taking the piddle in his voice and this was after our third or so date!

From my experience you meet the men in their thirties who:

a) are single in their thirties for a very good reason.
b) are out of long-term relationships, are just getting a taste for freedom and are a wary about committing again (like the guys you've met, OP)
c) want to find a wife and a mother to his unborn children and aren't really fussy who they are.
d) are nice, decent fellas looking for a lovely lady to give it a go with and see what happens.

Saying all this OP, I've come across a lot of men in their thirties like the ones you've mentioned. I guess people are more wary about who they start a relationship with after having gone through plenty of failed ones and I suppose if they date a women in their thirties, they'd presume they'd want to settle down. It makes sense though. I'm more wary about who I start a relationship with as I get older as well instead of rushing into something and setting myself up for misery.

I guess my advice is keep on looking...they're not all like that.

LegacyUser

Some very good points....I feel less like a freak now!

Would like to meet 'd', but really can't see that happening. I'm tired of meeting 'a','b' and 'c'. Thought I had met 'd' with the last two guys I met, unfortunately not!
As you said, all I can do is keep looking

TitoPuente

Men in their 30's are all different to be honest. I know plenty of guys in their 30's who are open to a serious relationship as well as plenty who are commitophobes. It's a mixed bag - but you'll find someone who's right for you, don't worry. Just take things slowly until you've sussed them out.

Liam Byrne

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

a) are single in their thirties for a very good reason.
b) are out of long-term relationships, are just getting a taste for freedom and are a wary about committing again (like the guys you've met, OP)
c) want to find a wife and a mother to his unborn children and aren't really fussy who they are.
d) are nice, decent fellas looking for a lovely lady to give it a go with and see what happens.

I'd like to think that (d) is more-or-less me, but I've met women who - depending on where they're coming from - would reckon that I'm probably a, b or c.

One person's "showing interest" is another person's "too keen"; and one person's "normal" is another person's "not that into ya".

I'd reckon it applies to every age group, though.

LegacyUser

Well I agree that alot of men in their 30s will get cold feet from a female in the same age bracket because of the baby's issue. But isn't that better than if they stick around for a few months or years wasting time?
The 30s are a dating frenzy because there is time pressure for both men and women. I know a few broody guys in their 30s who won't get involved unless the think the girl could be 'the one' , and thats fair enough.
The good thing about the 30s dating frenzy is that when you do hit it off with someone, things happen fast.

LegacyUser

hi. i'm a 30-s'thing. i agree with last poster. i had a great relationship with my ex for 7mths. i thought it appropriate to talk about commitment as we were long distance and i wanted an idea as to where we were going and whether we both wanted to continue to work at things, especially given the distance. i figured after 7 mths at our age- both 36- that we sghould both have a good idea. i had. he broke up with me, citing a couple of things i beleive were only red herrings as they were never an issue before i mentioned commitment. he basically told me he didn't think i was the right girl long term but IMO we'd been great together. he told me he's "need to be 100%" before commiting long term.

now that may be true, but it was only when i mentioned commitment and i think he panicked. it had been an intense relationship despite distnace as we had spent every weekend together almost so i think i knew him pretty well to try to try to make things work.

i did wonder when i met him first how he was still single in the first place at 36. he ticks lots of boxes and is very handsome and decent. i know i was also single but IMHO, they are far more women out there than men and i usually find that the good guys are pretty much taken. he was quite a catch, i thought and could have had any woman.

yet, he told me that he'd 3 seriuos relationships but HE ended them all. i know you can't make it happen but we were happy and then he dumped me very quickly. i can't help wondering if he is looking for miss perfection or just doesn't want to commit.

G-Money

D here.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies....some food for thought. Being in your thirties and single is tough going I think, like a game where nearly everyone is too afraid to make a move in case they mess up. I hope this phase doesn't last too long! I'm finding it harder and harder to stay positive

magneticimpulse

yeah im not looking for men in their 30's but have gone on dates with a few the past few weeks. They all seemed eager and interested, but afterwards i found that it was me always making the contact. If i made contact, great I got a few text replies. But they have not been upfront about going on another date. So OP I know how you feel. I dont think its the womans age either. I just think if you meet the right guy, you wont have to work so hard to contact him. As it is with the guys I dated, yeah ill keep in touch, but most definitely keep look out for someone more interested and take the iniative to make the moves.

GigaByte

The most likely reason is that those men you met in their 30's are not into you.

LegacyUser

GigaByte wrote: »

The most likely reason is that those men you met in their 30's are not into you.

I suppose you're right. I should start going out with men who are in their twenties

GigaByte

confused10 wrote: »

I suppose you're right. I should start going out with men who are in their twenties

or 40's

LegacyUser

GigaByte wrote: »

or 40's

I'd imagine men in their forties would be quite similar to men in their thirties. It would suit me better to be with men in their twenties, I think

LegacyUser

GigaByte wrote: »

or 40's

Don't think my last message went through.

If you think men in their thirties don't like me, why would you suggest I go out with men in their forties? I'd imagine they'd have the same outlook.

To be quite honest, I think you're just annoyed because I have this image of men in their thirties. Frankly I don't find your responses at all helpful.

GigaByte

confused10 wrote: »

Don't think my last message went through.

If you think men in their thirties don't like me, why would you suggest I go out with men in their forties? I'd imagine they'd have the same outlook.

I can't believe I have to explain this to you.

My first post is pointing to the fact that the men you've met didn't like you that much to want to date you, it's nothing to do with their age.

You're responce is to suggest you go out with people in there 20's. Which implies 2 things

1: You didn't get the meaning of my post.

2: You were being sarcastic.

confused10 wrote: »

To be quite honest, I think you're just annoyed because I have this image of men in their thirties.

Nope, I'm pretty sure no matter what age a person is, if you get regeted you'll find some way to label them. All men in there 20's what sex, All men in their 40's what a trophy wife, etc...

confused10 wrote: »

Frankly I don't find your responses at all helpful.

Why? is it because its not what you want to hear?

TitoPuente

confused10 wrote: »

To be quite honest, I think you're just annoyed because I have this image of men in their thirties. Frankly I don't find your responses at all helpful.

The most unhelpful thing is your generalisation of men in their 30's. Gigabyte is right... maybe they just weren't into you and went cold. Don't take it to heart - sometimes people just don't click. There are plenty of great single guys out there in their 30's and they're all very different. Your generalisations are groundless. Just keep looking

LegacyUser

i do think that there's more pressure for both sides in their 30's. i'm in mid30's so i know. i'm very particular about who i'll date now as i don't want to waste any more time that is necessary with the wrong guys. i would even go so far as to say that i'd want a fair idea after 6 mths as to whether to keep going or not cos at this age, at least from 35 on, you should know yourself pretty well and have enough experience to know what you want out of a partner. i hope so anyway, as i'm still looking.

and i do beleive that the relationships in 30's do move quicker. i have 4 friends who met their new BF's in the past 12 months (all in mid 30's) 3 of them are living together already.

the guys i dated in my 20's, i'd prob not date now etc. i'm a very different person myself now than i was when i was 25.
my tuppence worth anyway -good luck.

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

The most unhelpful thing is your generalisation of men in their 30's. Gigabyte is right... maybe they just weren't into you and went cold. Don't take it to heart - sometimes people just don't click. There are plenty of great single guys out there in their 30's and they're all very different. Your generalisations are groundless. Just keep looking

In fairness Gigabytes response was fairly sh*tty, went straight for the jugular and didn't take anything else into consideration unlike other responses. There are a few ways of giving advice when someone looks for it, Gigabytes way of giving advice is of no help to me whatsoever and I have no intention of taking it on board.

Thank you to everyone else who has given thoughtful responses, it has been of great help to me

TitoPuente

confused10 wrote: »

In fairness Gigabytes response was fairly sh*tty, went straight for the jugular and didn't take anything else into consideration unlike other responses. There are a few ways of giving advice when someone looks for it, Gigabytes way of giving advice is of no help to me whatsoever and I have no intention of taking it on board.

Well to be fair then I'd also have to agree with him that you're only happy to hear what you want to hear. Your generalisation of men in their 30's is just as offensive as hearing that the guy's you've been dating recently 'just aren't into you'

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Well to be fair then I'd also have to agree with him that you're only happy to hear what you want to hear. Your generalisation of men in their 30's is just as offensive as hearing that the guy's you've been dating recently 'just aren't into you'

I'm sorry it offended you but that has been my experience of men in their thirties. They were the conclusions I came to. I've taken suggestions on board from other posters and also I'm not afraid to take negative criticism on board. I, however, will not take advice that was obviously written to just shut me up for making these generalisations about men in their thirties.
I'm not on a crusade against men in their thirties, I'm sure there are men who want to date and are in their thirties, I was just wondering aloud if they existed going by my recent run of bad luck.

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Well to be fair then I'd also have to agree with him that you're only happy to hear what you want to hear. Your generalisation of men in their 30's is just as offensive as hearing that the guy's you've been dating recently 'just aren't into you'

In fairness, speaking as a woman in her 30s (now married but was on the single scene for awhile), it is different in the 30s. Yes, we are all the same people, but in my social circle we mostly spent our 20s in long term relationships that broke up. Since hitting the 30s, myself and my mates have all chopped and changed relationships really quickly and not got into long live in relationships that go nowhere like we did in our twenties.

Before my own quickie marriage I dated a few men in their 40s, but they seemed to either have alot of baggage or to have accepted that they weren't going to have children as they felt too old to change. Now don't get me wrong - I also know some fantastic single men in their 30s and my husbands mate recently had his first baby at the grand old age of 47!

But if, while you're in your 30s, you date someone in their 20s or 30s, there is more time and maybe more imagination to build a life and a family. A female friend of mine is 36 & has just got engaged to a 27yr old & I can see that him and her are more suited than any of her previous partners... so maybe age doesn't matter that much... but wanting the same things do, and that may be more likely to happen with someone the same age or younger.

But you have to keep and open mind, and realistically, in your 30s, I believe its ok to have 'the chat' in the first three months of dating.

GigaByte

TitoPuente wrote: »

Well to be fair then I'd also have to agree with him that you're only happy to hear what you want to hear. Your generalisation of men in their 30's is just as offensive as hearing that the guy's you've been dating recently 'just aren't into you'

I don't know why she cannot understand that? I like everyone else have met girls that I liked who didn't liked me and girls I didn't like but liked me but I didn't try to come up with some silly excuses to say they have a problem.

LegacyUser

thirtysumthin wrote: »

so maybe age doesn't matter that much... but wanting the same things do, and that may be more likely to happen with someone the same age or younger.

I totally agree that age doesn't matter that much. I just need to find someone who's on the same page as me I suppose! I think a lot of luck is involved

Liam Byrne

confused10 wrote: »

I'm not on a crusade against men in their thirties, I'm sure there are men who want to date and are in their thirties, I was just wondering aloud if they existed going by my recent run of bad luck.

And therein lies the issue; you can't be "sure they exist" and simultaneously "wondering aloud if they exist".

Essentially, here's what happened :

1) You wondered aloud if they exist (and, by implication, weren't "sure they existed"
2) You were advised not to generalise
3) You objected to this, saying

I will not take advice that was obviously written to just shut me up for making these generalisations about men in their thirties

If you are "sure they exist" (and by implication know that the generalisations are wrong) then you should be - for want of a better phrase - "shutting yourself up" from making those generalisations.

You say yourself that you know the generalisations are wrong; why object to someone pointing that out ? Why is it objectionable when someone says that yes, they are generalisations, and therefore there is scope for optimism because not everyone is the same ?

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

You say yourself that you know the generalisations are wrong; why object to someone pointing that out ? Why is it objectionable when someone says that yes, they are generalisations, and therefore there is scope for optimism because not everyone is the same ?

I don't object to anyone pointing out that my generalisations are wrong. They're entitled to their opinions. I object to underhanded comments dressed up as advice though, and will not take them on board.

GigaByte

confused10 wrote: »

I don't object to anyone pointing out that my generalisations are wrong. They're entitled to their opinions. I object to underhanded comments dressed up as advice though, and will not take them on board.

GigaByte wrote:

The most likely reason is that those men you met in their 30's are not into you.

I'd be 99% sure that my statement is correct otherwise you'd be out on another date with them.

A 20,25,30,35,40,45 year old male could look at a woman in her 30's and think they are out looking for a husband, or someone to have children with. Is that any different to what your saying, I've just switch roles for you to make it easier for you to understand.

It like me saying most women I know in there 30's are married so therefore the ones that aren't are looking to get married and settle down. Now that would be a stupid generalisations to make.

Liam Byrne

confused10 wrote: »

I don't object to anyone pointing out that my generalisations are wrong. They're entitled to their opinions. I object to underhanded comments dressed up as advice though, and will not take them on board.

OK, firstly "they're entitled to their opinions" does not apply; it's a fact, not an opinion, and one which you recognise yourself.

Secondly, they're only "underhanded" if you choose to read them as such.....and personally I would forgive any man for being a bit argumentative when faced with such an incorrect and sweeping generalisation.

So - while I wouldn't go so far as to say "you started it" - that is essentially what happened, and you got overly defensive.

Don't generalise and you won't (a) be wrong and (b) put anyone's nose out of joint.

LegacyUser

I'm not really sure what all the to-ing and fro-ing is all about here between OP and other(s)

my point of view

am 31 y.o guy

going unreg at risk of sounding arrogant or whatever

-am above average looking
-have a great profession that to most people would say straight away "ching ching" ie. that ultimately I will be financially comfortable and also very well respected in community

in other words I would be considered "a catch"

but, I am in no rush

nor have I been since my early 20's when I had a difficult break-up after a 5 year relationship - am definitely not rushing back in there until I am certain

for me it takes much less than 6 months to know, usually a first or 2nd date will be enough for me to know, maybe 60 or 70% of the time then will I call a halt to things, there have been a couple of girls I was mad about - 2 didn't work out for geographical reasons (one I was about to emigrate - the other she was about to emigrate when I was staying around), the other one I was crazy about but I just had to accept that she was not that into me

the few relationships I have had I have stopped after approx 2-3 months citing the fact (in more or less those words) that I wasn't going to fall for the girl and best to stop things now (even though apparently going well)............I didn't find that easy to do...but I did it

am quoting some other poster above here in this line below

"Since hitting the 30s, myself and my mates have all chopped and changed relationships really quickly and not got into long live in relationships that go nowhere like we did in our twenties. "


personally I can't understand why anyone would get into a "long live in relationship that goes nowhere" - apart from maybe for the f##k buddy aspect or out of low self esteem or whatever - but so many people do it - anyway - not for me

so as a man in his thirties who is content to keep on looking out for the right one, I'm not really sure if I fit into any category (a) to (d) - or maybe more than one category - but you just can't generalise

If I went on a date with the OP recently (which I did not btw!)and didn't get in contact - I probably just wasn't that into the OP

last point: I do want to date. I do really miss having that someone special/life partner etc and have been looking now for what feels like a long time

and as more and more of my friends are pairing off/having babies - and maybe this is focussing the mind a bit - find myself looking at the internet dating sites etc but not really doing a whole lot about it- but may make more of an affort this year to "meet new people" - so if that answers part of OP's question - yes there are some of us out here (men in our 30's - willing to date) - but apart from the last paragraph, I'm behaving exactly as I have done for last 8 years ie. still looking

Emme

GigaByte wrote: »

The most likely reason is that those men you met in their 30's are not into you.

That comes across as being harsh but maybe the OP is meeting guys in the wrong places - the sort of guys who wouldn't be into anyone only themselves!

Men in their 30s are all different but one thing that sets them apart men in their 20s is that they have a wider choice of girls (20s and 30s) than guys in their 20s (20s and late teens). Maybe that makes men in their 30s fussier and reluctant to commit. Men in their 20s can be spontaneous and fun while men in their 40s might be more open to a long term relationship with women in their 30s than men in their 30s. However, men in their 40 sometimes have terrible baggage and need careful handling.

Women in their 30s are under more biological pressure than men. That scares some men off and these men can be in their 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s! Maybe this is a good thing, as no woman wants a coward to father her child!

If the OP is currently meeting men in pubs and clubs she should widen her horizons and try to meet them elsewhere.

Liam Byrne

Emme wrote: »

Men in their 30s are all different but one thing that sets them apart men in their 20s is that they have a wider choice of girls (20s and 30s) than guys in their 20s (20s and late teens). Maybe that makes men in their 30s fussier and reluctant to commit. Men in their 20s can be spontaneous and fun while men in their 40s might be more open to a long term relationship with women in their 30s than men in their 30s. However, men in their 40 sometimes have terrible baggage and need careful handling.

As is pretty usual on PI, replace the word "men" with "some people" and you might actually be correct; i.e. both the prefix "some" and a gender-neutral noun are required.

Emme wrote: »

Women in their 30s are under more biological pressure than men. That scares some men off and these men can be in their 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s! Maybe this is a good thing, as no woman wants a coward to father her child!

Or maybe it's a good thing because no man wants to be a last resort or a sperm donor! "Biological pressure" has no reference to respect, love, companionship, sexual compatibility, or anything else that would make a relationship worthwhile.

Maybe you didn't mean this as badly as it comes across, but calling a guy a "coward" because he doesn't put having children before having a proper relationship is not on!

Give me the choice and I'll forego parenthood any time in favour of a proper, stable, respectful, understanding and loving relationship, and I'd hope that a girl that I'd meet would do likewise; both for our own sake and for the sake of any potential child.

Emme wrote: »

If the OP is currently meeting men in pubs and clubs she should widen her horizons and try to meet them elsewhere.

Again, given the general standards of lots of Irish pubs and clubs, and the level of drink and up-themselves-ness usually involved (although thankfully that improves with age) I'd agree, up to a point, but once again the reverse is also true.