Should Age Matter??

jeoun

I am a 27 yo guy who has found himself in a very complicated situation. About 9 months ago, I met a guy online from the UK. He is 48 yrs old. We got on well from the word go, and I have now fallen in love with him.

The problem is that he has a bf. However, this has not stopped him cheating on him with me. We have just returned from a perfect holiday together, just the two of us.

I feel that he may feel the same about me as I feel about him, but maybe we are both too afraid of what other people will think about our relationship. I am afraid to say anything to him, because I don't want to lose him as a friend.

I would move to the UK to be with him if he wanted me too, but I know that in this situation someone will end up getting hurt badly.

Should I get out of this before that person ends up being me??? Or should I take a chance and maybe get what I have been searching for for so long?

unreggd

Regardless of the age thing, he's in a relationship so you should be staying well away

Aard

Cheating is not cool. If he's able to cheat on his current boyfriend, how do you know he won't end up cheating on you? Probably something to think about before you go moving countries for him. Sounds like the age thing does matter - in this case, he's definitely not acting his.

xxlilyxx

age dosent matter but i reckon you stay well away too, he's in a relationship and more then likely you'll be the one getting hurt and you dont want that.

rannerap

i think that the previous posters have it right,the age thing isnt really the issue,if you are in love with him and is already taken it could cause a lot of hurt for you in the long term

Dwn Wth Vwls

An open relationship is one thing, but if he's cheating with you then he has no respect for either of you. What use is a relationship that doesn't have honesty? Why would you ever trust him?

Also I think if his feelings for you were the same as your feelings for him, he wouldn't be letting this situation continue.

gavkm27

Hey i have been in the exact same situation as you more than once!

I''m 28 and go for guys over 50,there are alot of guys already in relationships and i have been burned,in my experience guys that age have usually been in relationships for a long period and are not going to throw it away when some young guy comes along.
Bottom line as other posters says,your getting fcuked over,if he is doing this to his current partner he will do it to you,period

Boston

I think you're a tad bit deluded if you think age is the major stumbling block on this. You also seem to have the impression that "the someone" who will get hurt won't be you.

jeoun

Boston wrote: »

I think you're a tad bit deluded if you think age is the major stumbling block on this. You also seem to have the impression that "the someone" who will get hurt won't be you.

I know when I posted the message, I probably didnt put the best heading on it. Also I am the person who is hurting at the moment. But if I never say anything to him how I feel, how will I know how he truly feels

questionmark?

jeoun wrote: »

I know when I posted the message, I probably didnt put the best heading on it. Also I am the person who is hurting at the moment. But if I never say anything to him how I feel, how will I know how he truly feels

You shouldnt stick around to see how he feels it sounds very much like he is using you and his current partner as well i.e. looking after himself. I agree with the other posters age isnt the problem here time to end it before you get hurt too much. Sorry!

gavkm27

jeoun wrote: »

I know when I posted the message, I probably didnt put the best heading on it. Also I am the person who is hurting at the moment. But if I never say anything to him how I feel, how will I know how he truly feels

Of course your hurting,all you want is for him to be single and then you can be together,but it's complicated and you know deep down what he is doing is wrong .I loved this guy so much before that i was willing to be the bit on the side and for him to continue in his other relationship,but it all depends on what you are willing to put up with,me i deserve the best,someone who is there for me and me only,so with the help of some friends pulled away and got over it,i hope you can do the same,hang in there bro

stephen_n

A cheater will always be a cheater and most likely any relationship that starts with cheating will end the same way!

Tricity Bendix

stephen_n wrote: »

A cheater will always be a cheater and most likely any relationship that starts with cheating will end the same way!

I think this "once a cheater, always a cheater" stuff is a load of bull. There are many reasons for why someone might be cheating, and some of them are relationship-specific rather than inherent in the individual.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

I think this "once a cheater, always a cheater" stuff is a load of bull. There are many reasons for why someone might be cheating, and some of them are relationship-specific rather than inherent in the individual.

Could you give some examples of these relationships where cheating doesn't make you a cheater? I can see "in a long term coma" maybe.

Boston

Everyone has the capacity to cheat on their partner. If someone says otherwise then you can't trust them since they are either lying or blind to their own shortcomings and as such they don't have a frame of reference on which to judge their own behaver. The important part is what happens afterwards. Continuing an affair for weeks and months demonstrates a morality which has little or no sense of guilt with regards to lying and deceiving a partner. A person like this will do it again and again.

Tricity Bendix

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Could you give some examples of these relationships where cheating doesn't make you a cheater? I can see "in a long term coma" maybe.

I never said cheating doesn't make you a cheater. I was saying just because you cheated on one person doesn't mean you'll cheat on another.

stephen_n

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

I think this "once a cheater, always a cheater" stuff is a load of bull. There are many reasons for why someone might be cheating, and some of them are relationship-specific rather than inherent in the individual.

Depends on how you define cheating anyone capeable of systematically lying to there partner and investing the time and effort to carry out and hide a second relationship is never going to be trustworthy IMO. Blaming the relationship or possible issues in it is a complete cop out. We are all responsible for our own actions so therefore no one makes us a cheater we either choose to do it or not. Yes everyone is capeable of making a mistake, we are human and flawed, but carrying out a clandestine relationship like the one the OP is talking about is not a mistake or a flaw it is a calculated selfish act and the person who is doing is unlikely to change his ways no matter who he is with!

Tricity Bendix

stephen_n wrote: »

the person who is doing is unlikely to change his ways no matter who he is with!

I don't believe this is the case. Life has thought me otherwise. I've known people who repeatedly or extensively cheated (as in, it wasn't just a mistake, but a planned and prolonged event) in one relationship who then went on to form a trusting relationship in which they no longer cheated. The world isn't as black and white as you'd like to think. We are all of us different shades of gray.

gavkm27

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

I don't believe this is the case. Life has thought me otherwise. I've known people who repeatedly or extensively cheated (as in, it wasn't just a mistake, but a planned and prolonged event) in one relationship who then went on to form a trusting relationship in which they no longer cheated. The world isn't as black and white as you'd like to think. We are all of us different shades of gray.

Yes i agree,we are all capable of change,and yes maybe this guy will split up and stay happy ever after with the op,but for the sake of the OP,he could be the guy being cheated on,the fact that he got into the ''affair'' in the 1st place is a question he needs to ask himself.As i mentioned in previous posts i've been burned twice and both time i made the decision to push on with it knowing this guy was in a relationship.
So now i am adamant about finding out from the moment i set eyes on a guy whether he is single or not,if he is not,then i'm not wasting my time or energy.Since then my life has been alot easier!

KeyLimePie

Overlapping relationships suck, he cheated on the person before yourself with you then he'll probably do it again.

stephen_n

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

I don't believe this is the case. Life has thought me otherwise. I've known people who repeatedly or extensively cheated (as in, it wasn't just a mistake, but a planned and prolonged event) in one relationship who then went on to form a trusting relationship in which they no longer cheated. The world isn't as black and white as you'd like to think. We are all of us different shades of gray.

Ah right the I know someone who didn't so therefore we'll just throw the thousands of people who do out the window argument! Of course there are no absolutes and as humans we are capeable of change. However, time will tell if these people you know last the course or return to their cheating ways when the inevitable happens and the going gets rough! In the vast majority of cases though the kind of people who cheat will do it no matter who they are in a relationship with and since we are talking in general cases here not specific ones the higher probability prevails IMO

Tricity Bendix

stephen_n wrote: »

Ah right the I know someone who didn't so therefore we'll just throw the thousands of people who do out the window argument!

Of course my arguments are based on personal experience and observation. What else would you expect me to base them on? And for the record, its not just one person that I base my beliefs on, but a pattern of behaviour I've observed over time and across individuals.

Of course there are no absolutes and as humans we are capeable of change. However, time will tell if these people you know last the course or return to their cheating ways when the inevitable happens and the going gets rough!

I know of relationship that started as extra-marital affair and went on to be a loving and faithful relationship, which only ended when one of them died. So I can safely say they 'lasted the course' or whatever.

In the vast majority of cases though the kind of people who cheat will do it no matter who they are in a relationship with and since we are talking in general cases here not specific ones the higher probability prevails IMO

Y'see, this is where I have the problem. From my point of view, the "vast majority" of people who cheat don't do it because thats just what they do. I believe there is at least a significant minority of individuals who cheat because they're in a destructive relationship that brings out the worst in them.

stephen_n

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

Y'see, this is where I have the problem. From my point of view, the "vast majority" of people who cheat don't do it because thats just what they do. I believe there is at least a significant minority of individuals who cheat because they're in a destructive relationship that brings out the worst in them.

See that is the bit I'd have a really big problem with, the it's not my fault they made me do it clause! Total an utter cop out, no one makes anybody do anything or brings out the worst in us, are these people to whom your refer brain dead zombies? People cheat because they choose to do it, they can leave the relationship if they want but they don't they choose to cheat. We all have the propensity to cheat but nobody brings that out in us, we make a decision and carry it out, simple as that!

Tricity Bendix

stephen_n wrote: »

See that is the bit I'd have a really big problem with, the it's not my fault they made me do it clause! Total an utter cop out, no one makes anybody do anything or brings out the worst in us, are these people to whom your refer brain dead zombies? People cheat because they choose to do it, they can leave the relationship if they want but they don't they choose to cheat. We all have the propensity to cheat but nobody brings that out in us, we make a decision and carry it out, simple as that!

Stop putting words in my mouth. I never said people don't choose to do it. Cheating is wrong, no matter why people do it, but I believe there are reasons why people cheat, rather than just an over-riding desire to be a prick. Its not a cop out, but neither is it the simplistic "once a cheater, always a cheater" image you're trying to paint.

stephen_n

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

Stop putting words in my mouth. I never said people don't choose to do it. Cheating is wrong, no matter why people do it, but I believe there are reasons why people cheat, rather than just an over-riding desire to be a prick. Its not a cop out, but neither is it the simplistic "once a cheater, always a cheater" image you're trying to paint.

I didn't put words in your mouth, I responded to what you posted! As for being simplistic the comment is a generalisation yes but in the vast amount of cases that I have had experience one that holds true! Like saying all gay men like c**k, not true but fairly accurate!

DubArk

jeoun wrote: »

The problem is that he has a bf. However, this has not stopped him cheating on him with me. We have just returned from a perfect holiday together, just the two of us.

Well if it was so perfect then what you are doing on here looking for advice on whether to stay or not in this cloak and dagger relationship!!

Really this guy is not just having a quickie on the side but planning his holidays around been an unfaithful sh*te.

Well if that’s what you want.... go for it... but remember what goes around comes around….BTW hope you’re having safe sex…. Lets face it he could be shagging anyone!! You only know about you and the BF.

Boston

Someone who cheated in the past is more likely to do it again. It doesn't mean that they'll cheat with every partner, so the once a cheat always a cheat mantra isn't a truism. That said I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting for this chap to turn over the faithful leaf.

With regards sex, you shouldn't be having sex without one, protected of otherwise, without a clear idea of there past and present sexual activity. If you trust your life to a piece of latex, you're going to come up short sooner or later.

jeoun

DubArk wrote: »

Well if it was so perfect then what you are doing on here looking for advice on whether to stay or not in this cloak and dagger relationship!!

Really this guy is not just having a quickie on the side but planning his holidays around been an unfaithful sh*te.

Well if that’s what you want.... go for it... but remember what goes around comes around….BTW hope you’re having safe sex…. Lets face it he could be shagging anyone!! You only know about you and the BF.

I posted the message on here to get some advice from people. I know for a fact that he is not happy in his current relationship, I have that on good authority. However, his partner wants them to stay together no matter what, even if it means allowing my mate to "play away".

He is in a horrible position. He is in a relationship where there is no love or attraction. I am his way out of it, but I think he is afraid.

I am not proud of how I helped him cheat on his bf, but all I want is for him to be happy. If he is happy in his current relationship, then he would not keep contacting me. But he contacts me everyday. It is also not like we can have sex everyday as we live in different countries, so he is not keeping in contact because of that. There is definately something between us.

Who is anyone to say that someone should stay in a relationship where they are not happy. You guys on here seem to think that should be the case. Why should someone be miserable when they can have happiness somewhere else.

stephen_n

jeoun wrote: »

Who is anyone to say that someone should stay in a relationship where they are not happy. You guys on here seem to think that should be the case. Why should someone be miserable when they can have happiness somewhere else.

Don't think anyone suggested he should. in fact quiet the opposite has been suggested and i find it interesting that you could read what has been posted and come to that conclusion. It suggests that you don't really want advise, more reassurance that it is ok to have this affair! Thus the smokescreen about age!If there is no love and no attraction why is he still in the relationship? Regardless of what is going on between you and him he should leave his partner if that's the case. I think you will believe what you want to and hear what you want to but just be careful and look after yourself in this cause you may well end up getting hurt!

DubArk

jeoun wrote: »

He is in a horrible position. He is in a relationship where there is no love or attraction. I am his way out of it, but I think he is afraid.

I am not proud of how I helped him cheat on his bf, but all I want is for him to be happy. If he is happy in his current relationship, then he would not keep contacting me. But he contacts me everyday. It is also not like we can have sex everyday as we live in different countries, so he is not keeping in contact because of that. There is definately something between us.

Who is anyone to say that someone should stay in a relationship where they are not happy. You guys on here seem to think that should be the case. Why should someone be miserable when they can have happiness somewhere else.

Well you probably think I’m a hard bast*ard but you were looking for advise and I felt mine was very clear and if not let me make things clearer.

You’re stating that he’s in a relationship where there is no love or attraction; so I put it to you; why then is he still in it?

Why can’t he be honest with his partner and bring this loveless relationship to an end?

Where is it that he owes some sort of respect to his partner that he can’t be honest?

You ask “Who is anyone to say that someone should stay in a relationship where they are not happy?” You asked!

Let me tell you where I’m coming from: I have been with my partner since we were both in our early 20’s and now we’re in our late and mid 40’s!!! Scary!!!
So I have some experience of what relationships (Only the two of us) are about. Different strokes for different folks I’m sure some people will point out but I’m talking about my experiences.

If my partner was having an affair, with someone from another country and going on holidays, it’s not the affair that would break my heart but the planning that was needed to carry this out behind my back. It’s the sheer scale of the deception that’s so wrong. I’m human; I can understand that people may have a fling but to continue without been honest is where I see the core problem lies. Don’t get me wrong even a fling would hurt me very much and would take a lot of commitment to revive our partnership.

Man-Women, Man-Man, Women- Women… it doesn’t matter, if they are in a relationship, where the other partner is under the belief that there is only the TWO of them in it, then that’s a commitment, a promise, a trust.

I could never do that to my partner…. even if there was NO love or attraction left (although I wouldn’t be in a relationship if that was the case) because that’s what grown up people do when they are committed to one another.

The guy you are seeing needs to get off the fence and make a decision on what he wants and what he owes he’s partner by been honest.
Unless you have witnessed both of these guys together, what make you so sure he’s not lying through his teeth to you; let’s face it his track record clearly shows that he’s a man who is quite capable of lying…. He does it every time he calls you, meets you, shags you and even goes on holiday with you.

Make sure you don’t get burnt because it's a classic in my books. Maybe the original title of you thread is very apt! Should age matter? Well it does when experience in life is involved and he has more then you do….

On that note, I wish you all the best and hope you find what you looking for and when you do treat it with respect.

danindublin

This just sounds like a typical case of "Nice guy but wrong basis for a relationship" scenario. Just because you get on with someone or you spend some quality time together (like a great holiday) doesn't always make the best case or footing for a relationship. This guy was obviously looking to "go astray" if you met online, its a little more calculated than dropping the hand when drunk. Its hard when you have such strong feelings for someone to think of just walking away but I feel if you see beyond those feelings for a second you'd never really put yourself knowingly in this position. Its always easy for people who don't have those feelings to stand back and point fingers at a "cheater" or a scenario but we do get to look at it without the rose-tinted glasses of love.

jeoun

DubArk wrote: »

Unless you have witnessed both of these guys together, what make you so sure he’s not lying through his teeth to you; let’s face it his track record clearly shows that he’s a man who is quite capable of lying…. He does it every time he calls you, meets you, shags you and even goes on holiday with you.

I have seen them together and it is more like a friendship than relationship. Also his bf knows of our friendship and knows we are in contact and have gone on holidays together.

stephen_n

jeoun wrote: »

I have seen them together and it is more like a friendship than relationship. Also his bf knows of our friendship and knows we are in contact and have gone on holidays together.

Nice wording, does his boyfriend no you are having sex with each other?

Aard

From your OP:

jeoun wrote: »

Should I get out of this before that person ends up being me?

I think your question has been answered in the thread. It seems not to be the answer you want, so you keep giving arguments. I don't think anybody here has given the answer you want. Age does matter, to a certain extent. With age comes maturity - something that both you and your "boyfriend" are lacking.

jeoun

stephen_n wrote: »

Nice wording, does his boyfriend no you are having sex with each other?

well, I never went on holidays expecting to have sex with him. these things just happen!

As for your question, no he probably doesnt know. I feel bad about it, I really do. But you know what, such is life and these things happen all the time. I cannot live my life feeling guilty about what happened.

As the old saying goes, he who is without sin, cast the first stone!

Tricity Bendix

jeoun wrote: »

well, I never went on holidays expecting to have sex with him. these things just happen!

As for your question, no he probably doesnt know. I feel bad about it, I really do. But you know what, such is life and these things happen all the time. I cannot live my life feeling guilty about what happened.

As the old saying goes, he who is without sin, cast the first stone!

Have you asked him to end his apparently loveless relationship and commit himself to you?

DubArk

jeoun wrote: »

well, I never went on holidays expecting to have sex with him. these things just happen!

As for your question, no he probably doesnt know. I feel bad about it, I really do. But you know what, such is life and these things happen all the time. I cannot live my life feeling guilty about what happened.

As the old saying goes, he who is without sin, cast the first stone!

Ah well you seem to have it all under control! Dont know why your asking for advise then???

Hope the three of you have a ball.....

stephen_n

jeoun wrote: »

As the old saying goes, he who is without sin, cast the first stone!

Ok but it might hurt when I hit you with it

Boston

Dubark, seriously , are you aware nobody not using the default boards skin can read your posts? I've pointed this out before to you.

DubArk

Boston wrote: »

Dubark, seriously , are you aware nobody not using the default boards skin can read your posts? I've pointed this out before to you.

What are you talking about?

Boston

Most of your text you change the colour of the font to black, some of us use a skin where the background is black. Boards automatically handles text colour. Reading your posts for me is like this

Hight light the above

DubArk

Boston wrote: »

Most of your text you change the colour of the font to black, some of us use a skin where the background is black. Boards automatically handles text colour. Reading your posts for me is like this

Hight light the above

Ah i see... sorry i was not aware of this at all..... see im at work and sometimes i use a word document to write my post and just copy and paste into boards.ie when i finsh... so noone can walk into my office and sees me on line typing!!!

There must be some default the makes it black.... how do i get around this boston and dont say dont type on word please?

Boston

Clicking the double A button will change it from a WYSIWYG editor to a plain text editor, that should remove the problem.

DubArk

Boston wrote: »

Clicking the double A button will change it from a WYSIWYG editor to a plain text editor, that should remove the problem.

Thank you very much...