Am i in the wrong?

Fonze07

Hi guys,

I am totally in love with my best friend. We get on really really well together. I use to work with her and she recently got married to a guy i work with. This does get me down quite often knowing i will never be with her and think about her all the time.

Anyway, she got a different job about a year and a half ago and although i speak to her a lot on the phone (nearly everyday), i only see her now and again.

My question anyway is, she always arranges to meet up with me when her husband is working. Trying to make plans with me only up until he finishes work and then once he finishes goes home with him. Anytime he is off work or whatever, i hardly ever hear from her and never arranges to meet up with me. Its always when he is working that she wants us to do something together.

Now, i am just looking for opinions from some of you to see how it looks to you. Maybe i am just being paranoid but does that seem fair to you or does it look like i am being used or whatever?

Just need advice guys!

philologos

I'd distance myself from her, or not spend as much time with her. It seems dangerous when you have feelings you have about this woman.

Red Hand

For your own peace of mind and general mental health, you need to let her go. Like, if you are in love with her and in contact with her, then you won't be open to finding someone who loves you and vice versa.

She has what she wants (her husband), and you don't. And you won't be happy so long as you have feelings for her.

Fonze07

I know you are right and everybody says i need to let go in order to move on. I know i will have to but how would i go about doing this?

Anyway, in relation to my original question how does it look to you?

Red Hand

Fonze07 wrote: »

I know you are right and everybody says i need to let go in order to move on. I know i will have to but how would i go about doing this?

Cut contact for a good while, a few months to a year-maybe justify this to her by saying you're doing a course and need to concentrate and study for a while doing it.

Try and involve yourself with your other friends or take up hobbies that involve meeting new people so that you have the opportunity to make new friends, platonic or otherwise, and you aren't depressed thinking about her.

Anyway, in relation to my original question how does it look to you?

It looks to me like the girl you are interested in is happy in her own marriage bubble, you are outside that bubble looking in, and you are regarded as a friend to her, someone who she hangs around when her husband isn't there. You could be a male friend or female friend...I think either would suit her-someone who is available to be a friend when she wants and when it suits her.

Fonze07

Thanks for your advice. It is much appreciated.

I just want an opinion from a lot of people to find out what the general consensus is and to see whether they think i am just paranoid or whether they actually think she just uses me when it suits her.

So Jeremiah, you think she is doing it just to suit her

PK2008

Mate you have got to move on from her.

Her and her husband know you fancy her and they laugh about it when they're shagging.

Ok thats harsh and probably not true but imagine it is and it might dampen your feelings for her and help you put this in perspective.

You're sniffing after a married woman.....uncool

Red Hand

Fonze07 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. It is much appreciated.

I just want an opinion from a lot of people to find out what the general consensus is and to see whether they think i am just paranoid or whether they actually think she just uses me when it suits her.

So Jeremiah, you think she is doing it just to suit her

No, we all do this to some degree in my opinion. Some people in relationships "go missing" and only surface back to their friends when the relationship is over.

It's just that you are noticing it more cause you are in love with her. If you weren't in love with her, and she was just another mate, you would shrug it off as "a mate that goes missing when loved up".

It may not be intentional on her part.

Does she know you have feelings for her (in more ways than just being a platonic friend)?

Fonze07

I have never actually told her face to face that i am in love with her but she does know that i have very strong feelings for her. She might not know that its all i think about and how much it actually gets me down but she does know i love her. I couldn't even go to her wedding. She only had a small wedding with only a few people there but when she said she wanted her best mate there i just told her i couldn't. She told me she understood.

But anyway, everytime she wants to meet its when he is "working". Just today, she text me asking did i want to meet up with her for a couple of hours to do something as she was available til a certain time and yes that certain time was when he finished work

Red Hand

Well, as I said previously, you need to cut contact, and get her out of your system by focusing on other areas of your life since it's making you unhappy.

Overheal

Fonze07 wrote: »

I know you are right and everybody says i need to let go in order to move on. I know i will have to but how would i go about doing this?

Anyway, in relation to my original question how does it look to you?

It looks like JD Carla and Turk to me. If you followed that show (scrubs). Basically Carla and Turk are of course the Ideal Married Couple, very much in love. BUT, Turk and JD is the biggest, non-homosexual but totally brow-raising bromance of all time. Such a powerful bromance it overshadows the marriage. But its cool, because all 3 of them are best friends bla bla television bla.

Thats what it looks like. You are one of her (if not her go-to) Best Friend. I doubt very much that sex or romance is part of that equation for her.

she's got the Love and the Romance from her Husband and while she may be a good friend of hers she still wants her own life too. Which is cool. She wants you in her life equation as a friend. But you are looking to her, longing for that Love and Affection and Romance and Fireworks that you are Never going to get from her. If you were looking for a powerful Platonic Friendship, you'd have it. But no, you're entire equation is outta whack and you need to very much rethink about your position here. And its going to involve cutting back contact with her and/or ceasing to view her as a romantic interest.

she just uses me when it suits her.

You may need to provide more information because from what you've illustrated I don't follow you there. How is she using you exactly

Fonze07

It just feels that she uses me when it suits her. I just wanted peoples honest opinion to see how you think it looks because my view could be just that of paranoia. Any views from people?

Jeremiah, do you not think I should just be honest to her and tell her the reason I think we should cut ties is because I am in love with her and that I need to just move on?

Fonze07

Thanks for your reply overheal.

In relation to the original question posted, do you think it's strange that everytime she wants to meet is when he is working or away? How does it look to you?

Red Hand

Fonze07 wrote: »

It just feels that she uses me when it suits her. I just wanted peoples honest opinion to see how you think it looks because my view could be just that of paranoia. Any views from people?

Jeremiah, do you not think I should just be honest to her and tell her the reason I think we should cut ties is because I am in love with her and that I need to just move on?

That's up to you as to how you handle the cutting back on contact. Like it isn't her fault that you're in love with her so maybe you shouldn't dump all that on her? I would just make some excuse as to why you won't be around as much.

Overheal

Fonze07 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply overheal.

In relation to the original question posted, do you think it's strange that everytime she wants to meet is when he is working or away? How does it look to you?

Coincidence? Love of her partner? Respect?

Many a PI I hath read of lovers quarrel. Typically revolving around yonder man going to spend time with yonder maiden while yonder wife cooks in the kitchen. Said man is usually beheaded.

Depending on the relationship it can be seen as pretty disrespectful to blow off your Significant Other to go elsewhere. I know many lads who won't go out if their better half wants to stay in. And doing so usually results in a lot of arguing. In contrast, its a lot more acceptable to go out with the Lads for a few pints down at the club while your One' is visiting her Mam's/Working/etc.

That's up to you as to how you handle the cutting back on contact. Like it isn't her fault that you're in love with her so maybe you shouldn't dump all that on her? I would just make some excuse as to why you won't be around as much.

It really is not her fault. And I've dumped it on girl-friends before, and gotten eaten about it. 20/20 hindsight, its very unfair on the girl.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, you should start accepting that she is married and that her husband is not simply some sort of an inconvenience to you. That will solve your problem.

PaddyInChelsea

I think you need to move on too. At best, she sees you as a good friend who fills a gap in her day. I'm sure you'd prefer to hear different advice, but that's probably as good as it will ever be.

Fonze07

I know you guys are right and that I have to move on. I am going to cut contact with her or seriously limit the amount of time I talk to her.

I am just wondering about my initial question though. Do you think I am just convenient to her when it suits her fro what I said in my first post or do you think I am just reading too much into this and that is not really the case?

Really do need opinions!

philologos

The initial question is irrelevant really. It's most likely as Overheal described. The real problem here, is that you have romantic feelings for someone who is already married. These shouldn't be allowed to develop much further or they may cause you or others trouble.

LegacyUser

Listen OP, I am the girl in a sort of similar situation.

Best guess looking at your situation is as follows. The girl meets you at times when her husband is working as she prioritises HIM ok.

Now Im reading between the lines here but I can see from your posts you are obsessed. You continually ask the question over and over again. Why she only sees you when hubby not around.

I sense that you want to believe its because there is something between ye and she wants to explore it without hubby there. WRONG. If thats what you want us to say, please snap out of it as you are deluding yourself.

In my life my BF is number one, he gets priority and everyone else gets slotted in after that. Thats the way it is, nothing more, nothing less. You mention being 'used' but its normal for people to prioritise their partners and fit in friends around them. This will become even more pronounced when people start having families.

You have an unhealthy obsession with this girl and its probably unwanted, she is probably AWARE of it too. And mark my words so is her husband, they will have discussed it in detail. Don't think they havent. I would imagine the husband is neither threatened by you nor not really interested in spending his time with a clingy, persistant guy who has a crush on his wife.

You need to back off from this couple and put work into getting over this 'in love' idea. Its not healthy or realistic. And lad, you are embarassing yourself.

batmanbaby

I think the other posters already asnwered your question a few times but not the answer you want. Yes you need to distance your self but thats not only what they are saying. She see's you as a friend and when she makes time to see you it's when she's free ie. her husdand is working. It's what friends do regardless of sex. They make plans when the other half is busy! She might even be being sensitive to your issue with her having a husband by still making sure you spend time together but not when he is there.
Are you looking for something that isn't there? Would it be easier for you to cut ties if you could think badly of her coz you believed she was using you when she was bored? Or or you hoping she wants to see you when he's not there as she might also have feeling towards you?
This woman seems to have done nothing other than make time to see her what she thinks is her friend, sure it's when suits her but who doesn't do that? My best friend is a guy and I see him mostly when my DP is not arround not because I'm using him but because I want to spend time with just me and him. He gets on well with my DP and they have numerous times been in social situations together but I he is my friend and I see him mostly on my own.
Cut ties with her but there no need to be mean or rude or dump your issues on her, unless I'm missing something I don't think she deserves it.
I hope you get over her and some time appart will help you with this.

neuro-praxis

Fonze07 wrote: »

I am just wondering about my initial question though. Do you think I am just convenient to her when it suits her fro what I said in my first post or do you think I am just reading too much into this and that is not really the case?

It sounds like she puts her husband ahead of you. It also sounds like she prefers spending time with her husband than with you, and therefore only sees other friends when he is unavailable.

While you may not like this, it's just the way it is. Accept it. You're lucky her husband is so tolerant of the intensity of your friendship. If my husband had a female friend who refused to come to our wedding because of her heartbreak, this would send alarm bells ringing for me...

jimmycrackcorm

Fonze07 wrote: »

I know you guys are right and that I have to move on. I am going to cut contact with her or seriously limit the amount of time I talk to her.

Now you are just looking to punish her for not reciprocating your desire.

I am just wondering about my initial question though. Do you think I am just convenient to her when it suits her fro what I said in my first post or do you think I am just reading too much into this and that is not really the case?

Really do need opinions!

Yes you are convenient to her but someone else could be convenient to her instead when she has spare time. To be blunt it sounds as though she should be spending her valuable time with someone else instead though as you don't seem to value that unless it suits your own motivation.

Dragan

Fonze07 wrote: »

Hi guys,

I am totally in love with my best friend. We get on really really well together. I use to work with her and she recently got married to a guy i work with. This does get me down quite often knowing i will never be with her and think about her all the time.

Anyway, she got a different job about a year and a half ago and although i speak to her a lot on the phone (nearly everyday), i only see her now and again.

My question anyway is, she always arranges to meet up with me when her husband is working. Trying to make plans with me only up until he finishes work and then once he finishes goes home with him. Anytime he is off work or whatever, i hardly ever hear from her and never arranges to meet up with me. Its always when he is working that she wants us to do something together.

Now, i am just looking for opinions from some of you to see how it looks to you. Maybe i am just being paranoid but does that seem fair to you or does it look like i am being used or whatever?

Just need advice guys!

Eh, did you ever tell her you loved her? I doubt it. This whole "she knows" thing just doesn't work for me.

She is not using you mate, she is hanging out with her friend while her husband is busy. This is what people do. No point in being surprised that you, a friend, comes second to the person she married is there?

Your reading too much into it because deep inside you want her to spend time with you and not her fella. If you were just her friend, it wouldn't be an issue.

LegacyUser

OP, I was in a kinda similar situation there for a while...except maybe the crush wasn't as excessive.....
Girl I useda go to school with, hung around, great friends, was mad about her but mever asked her out due to being a bit of a chicken really - lost contact for a while. She went off got married etc, got back in touch last year, great friends again.
She invited me around to her house while husband was at work, chatted and laughed for hours, played with her kid...all very innocent, and she told her husband about me and he was cool with it. But thats where I put an end to it. I always liked her and I suppose I still do in a way, but she keeps inviting me back and I keep making excuses not to.

I know she sees me as nothing more than a good friend, and I certainly would not have any indecent intentions towards her, but I just dont like how it looks - calling over when the hubby is at work. I'm delighted to have her as a friend but I also need to keep my distance.

So just make excuses - your not being a dick about it, its something you gotta do. You've got your own life to live as well, just like she's living hers. Hope this is some help.

Dublin141

It's completely normal for someone who is happily married to put their husband/wife first and only see other people when they are free, i.e., when their partner is not available. Friends see each other when it's convenient, you just happen to be conveniently free more often than she is.

Why would she sacrifice time with her husband to spend time with a friend if she can see that friend while her hubby is busy? She married him. She's supposed to put him first. You sound obsessed with her and seem to be looking for an excuse to punish her for not loving you back. The question you keep asking is irrelevant. It's something that everyone does. You probably sacrifice time with other people to spend time with her because you love her. That's exactly what she is doing for the man that she loves.

I think it would be healthier for you to try and meet someone else and maybe spending less time with your friend would be good for you. This unrequited love thing isn't doing you any favours and if you start getting pissy with her for wanting to spend time with her husband then you're going to lose this friendship altogether in a way that you won't like.

Fonze07

Thanks for all your comments. I really appreciate them all.

I know none of this is her fault. I know i am obsessed and i really do want to move on. Just don't really know what to say to her. Some comments say it is best just to move on and limit contact with her while others say its not her fault so why should i put this on her and tell her that i can't see her anymore. I know all this is my fault but really don't know what to do.

I did think that it was a bit unfair that everytime she contacts me to meet up is when he's not around but NEVER hear from her at all when he is off. I was obviously wrong in this case as well from all the comments i read.

littlefriend

considering you were unable to attend her wedding because you love her so much, why would she ask you to meet up with her and her husband? She is actually being nice here. I'm surprised that she is continuing the friendship at all as it is not healthy for anyone involved.
Please take the advice that EVERYBODY on this thread has given you. Move on, you are wasting you life and probably causing some difficulties for her. This is hard to accept but you aren't that relevant to her and her husband at this early stage of their marriage. Questioning her behaviour is pointless and kind of attention seeking.
Take today as the last day you spend obsessing. New year, new you, new life etc
best of luck

Fonze07

Thanks for your advice littlefriend. I am not expecting her to arrange for me to meet up with her and her husband. I am just querying the fact that she never arranges to meet up with me (me and her only) unless he is off. Everytime i hear from her is when it is convenient for her which is when he is working. Not a word from her any other time.

How do i move on. What do i do when she contacts me, bump into her etc...

Dublin141

That's the hard bit. I feel bad for you because it's an awful situation to be in. You just have to take her off your priority list and maybe use the new year as an excuse to make some new friends who don't know her, make a fresh start. You don't have to be rude or mean to her, just tell her you're busy if she wants to see you and maybe keep the texts short and sweet. If you bump into her be nice and friendly but don't think about it being anything more. Don't involve yourself in her life. It takes time and distance and distractions. Make yourself busy for a while and you might find the need for her slowly disappear.

Fonze07

Thanks for your advice Dublin. It really is awful. It's so so hard and this problem is always on my mind. Can't stop thinking about it. I know i have to move on but there are only so many times i can tell her that i am busy whenever she asks to meet up or rings me. I can't think what i could say to her otherwise she will still keep up the contact with me and as long as that happens she will still be on my mind.

littlefriend

You need to tell her that you can't be friends with her anymore and explain your reasons. If possible change your number so that she can't contact you. If she is any friend to you she will leave you alone. You just have to leave her alone too. You will not be able to move on and feel any better until you do this.
You need to stop making excuses and cut all contact after you have explained to her why you can't be friends anymore.
Seriously, how do you see this situation improving? She is married and presumably will be for a long time.

Fonze07

Thanks littlefriend. I know i have to do it in order to move on but it is now the question of how i go about doing it. It seems to be divided on here. Some people are saying that i should just say something like i am concentrating on studying and won't be free over the next few months while others say i should just tell her the truth as to why i think we should stop contact. As people said, how i can i tell her the truth. It is not her fault that i am in love with her and she doesn't feel the same so if i tell her the truth i will be, in effect, punishing her for not loving me back as somebody mentioned on here.

littlefriend

Well I think you should just tell the truth. Then its out there and there's no more messing around.
You aren't punishing her - thats ludicrous. You are protecting yourself.

PK2008

Punishing her?? Your deluding yourself mate

Listen mate - you arent her best friend, her husband is. You'll be surprised how quickly she'll forget about you once you man up and start pursuing your own life.

Dont tell her you love her- just start toning down the amount of time you spend with her and start meeting new women.

outspann

Fonze07 wrote: »

I am not expecting her to arrange for me to meet up with her and her husband.

This is the bit that I'd be worried about, as there should be no reason that you couldn't meet up with them both. Unless you're saying that you like her + she doesn't like you but knows you do + she's trying to keep this from her husband.

In which case, that's a risky game she's playing.

Fonze07

"That's up to you as to how you handle the cutting back on contact. Like it isn't her fault that you're in love with her so maybe you shouldn't dump all that on her? I would just make some excuse as to why you won't be around as much".

The above was somebody's view so i just got thinking that if i do tell her the truth it wouldn't exactly be fair on her would it.

So the majority of people think i should just tell her the truth. Any help on what i should exactly say. Not good putting it into words.

Outspann, i don't want to meet up with her and her husband. Just her to hang around with but it frustrates me when she does it when he's "unavailable" thinking i am automatically available on her every beckon call. I work with her husband and we engage in small chat here and there but that is as far as it goes and that suits me.

Fonze07

outspann wrote: »

This is the bit that I'd be worried about, as there should be no reason that you couldn't meet up with them both. Unless you're saying that you like her + she doesn't like you but knows you do

That's exactly what i am saying

PK2008

Fonze07 wrote: »

So the majority of people think i should just tell her the truth. Any help on what i should exactly say. Not good putting it into words.

Do NOT tell her you love her- she doesnt feel the same way and you're just going to look and feel like a complete tool.

You dont need to completely cut contact either, just tone it down in a big way, make it a cordial but appropriately distanced relationship.

Get your own life, without her in it.

littlefriend

Hon I'm sorry but you are completely delusional here. I think you need to speak to someone about your obvious obsession. You are thanking everyone for their advice but not paying any attention to it.
Just as a matter of interest - are you seeing her tonight or expecting to hear from her?

Fonze07

PK2008 wrote: »

Do NOT tell her you love her- she doesnt feel the same way and you're just going to look and feel like a complete tool.

You dont need to completely cut contact either, just tone it down in a big way, make it a cordial but appropriately distanced relationship.

Get your own life, without her in it.

She knows that i love her. So i basically dont tell her anything and when she contacts me just try to keep it short is what you are saying?

Even without contact, i still cant get her out of my mind!

PK2008

Fonze07 wrote: »

She knows that i love her. So i basically dont tell her anything and when she contacts me just try to keep it short is what you are saying?

Even without contact, i still cant get her out of my mind!

Exactly keep it short and polite, no grand romantic speeches- you dont live in a cheesy American sitcom. Stop meeting up with her- she'll quickly find someone else to hang out with.

As far as getting her out of your head is concerned thats just life- it'll take time but you'll get over her, the sooner you actually take steps to move on the sooner it will happen.

Get some male friends- go out and get drunk, meet some women etc etc.

STOP hanging around with married women.

dory

Fonze07 wrote: »

Even without contact, i still cant get her out of my mind!

Yes, that's normal. Everyone who goes through a break up, or a situation like this has felt the same. It seems to bother you that posters have had different opinions - it's to be expected really, we're all different people. Your job is to decide what works for you.
As to what you should say - you'll really have to figure that out for yourself. I would beat around the bush and say 'You know....the reason I couldn't come to the wedding....well for the same reason I don't think we should hang out anymore'. But the next ten posters could disagree with me , that's fine, don't use our differing opinions as an excuse to do nothing.

Get out there and move on. You're really being made a fool of. I'm not trying to be harsh, I've been there and would hate to see anyone else go through it.

Fonze07

littlefriend wrote: »

Hon I'm sorry but you are completely delusional here. I think you need to speak to someone about your obvious obsession. You are thanking everyone for their advice but not paying any attention to it.
Just as a matter of interest - are you seeing her tonight or expecting to hear from her?

I am paying attention. People are saying move on and I am going to try do that. It's just how I go about doing it that is the problem now ie tell her the truth, lie to her and say I am going to be busy over next few months etc...

But I have been taking peoples advice and now I have to move on. Just getting opinions now on how to go about it. I am not seeing her tonight but will be probably hearing from her later on.

PK2008

You dont have to tell her anything, she doesnt have any right to your time or an excuse as to why she isnt getting it.

When she asks you to meet up just tell her Sorry but you're too busy- she'll get the message soon enough

Fonze07

How do you think I am being made a fool of?

PK2008

Fonze07 wrote: »

How do you think I am being made a fool of?

You're not but if you make a drama out of it you will definetly look like a fool. Just play it cool, phase her out of your life slowly and politely.

Some people here will tell you to have a big heart to heart with her and spill out all your inner feelings but they're just living out a romantic fantasy at your expense- the reality of that will be you making a complete muppet out of yourself, feeling crap and regretting it.

Just phase her out mate, she'll get the message and you'll learn a lesson without losing your dignity in the process

Fonze07

Thanks PK2008 for all your advice. I really appreciate it and everybody else who has took the time out to reply. I am very grateful.

PK2008

Trust me, if you tone it down, in a years time you'll look back and laugh about all this. The main thing is to just put it behind you in the cleanest way possible; i.e.

NO spilling your romantic guts- no matter how many times you've seen it work in the movies it aint gonna work in real life- YOU WILL look and feel like a SAP

BE polite but gradually distance yourself, DO NOT blame her, be angry at her or be spiteful/bitter about it.

MAINTAIN your dignity- and be patient with yourself- the pain will subside eventually

GET a life mate- I mean that in the nicest possible way- its sounds like you've probably got little expereince with relationships- get out there and get some (single girls)

Good luck with it mate

Fonze07

Cheers mate. Don't think i'll be laughing about it in a years time though. Yes, i am going to move on and perhaps i will find someone else but i won't feel like this again about anybody else. She was the one so it'll hardly be a laughing matter in a years time. Anyway, i have to move on and i am going to limit contact with her starting from now.

Jack B. Badd

Fonze07 wrote: »

but i won't feel like this again about anybody else.

Good - as far as I can tell, you're infatuated with this woman. It's not a healthy place to be.