Becoming attached

qwerty2

I was just looking through another thread currently here in TLL about f*ck buddies. While trying to figure out which option to click in the poll, I hovered over the "Never had a FB, but would definitely consider it" option, but quickly changed it to the "never had one, never will" option simply for the reason that I know that I would get attached to whoever I chose as my FB!! Reading through the other posts it seems I'm not the only one who feels this way!

In all of my previous relationships (and a few friendships), I believe the downfall has always one of us becoming too attached, or much more so than the other person. In my last relationship, I was adamant to take thing slow in an attempt to avoid this and it worked for around 4 months and I had an absolute ball with my bf. Come month 5 however, and as usual I had started to become more attached and dependent on him as I would have liked and it eventually led to the beginning of the end of that relationship!

Though it's never been said to me, I know that I have a tendency of developing a "clingy" type of personality. It doesn't happen very often, only when I care deeply about the other person or have spent a lot of time with them over a small period of time! I'm usually an extremely independent person, am not afraid to put my foot out of line and make my own decisions or stand up for my beliefs etc but for some reason once I develop deep feelings, I become extremely reliant upon that person! My question is how many other ladies out there are the same and if anyone has any tips on how to avoid the inevitability of getting too attached?!

minidazzler

There is a difference between fcuk buddies and Friends who fcuk.

If you have a FB, it's STRICTLY Sex, you shouldn't try to get to know them, just fulfill the physical need for sex, not the emotional need for intimacy.

But Few people see the distinction so Fcuk Buddy situations get a bad rap where alot of people think someone WILL get attached.

It would be hard to become dependant on someone you see a few hours a week for just sex where there is little talk about anything but sex.

pearliefan

I'm really like that... as in I'm quite independent, but once I become good friends/get into a relationship with someone I become quite dependent on them....

I don't really know how to stop it though...I guess if it's part of your personality you can't. Just make sure not to spend too much time with the person over short periods of time.. break it up with days where you don't talk, or spend time alone or with other people.
Something which just occured to me! -if there's a particular activity that has become the 'thing' you do with the other person, stop only doing it with that person and do it alone or with others?

Novella

Here's a quote from a book I read which I often think about in my head when these kind of topics come up in conversation.

"You know it's never 50-50 in a relationship. It's always 70-30 or 60-40. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride...I'm the one like you. The one who fell first. The one who would do anything to keep it the way it was at the beginning."

If fcuk buddies is done the way it should be; two people who actually just meet up for sex and don't hang out before or after, then there shouldn't be any attachment, imo.

However, if two people are friends and also having sex, it's easy to see where the lines can become blurred.

I think that no matter what, in each and every friendship and relationship we form, we are never on equal terms with the other person. One person is always more willing to do that little bit extra for the other.

I think it'd be sort of impossible for two people to feel exactly the same about each other. I believe in love and two people being in love but at the end of the day, I don't think two people are ever in love the same amount!

The same goes for friends who are just having sex, in my mind anyway. One person is gonna be the one making the effort and the other will probably just sit back and take it all for granted.

There is nothing wrong with becoming attached. Some people do, some don't. It's just a personality trait really.

Maple

Great post Novella.

rannerap

i think novellas got it right,I always seem to end up in that situation,but im always the one with the less feelings

qwerty2

qwerty2 wrote: »

once I develop deep feelings, I become extremely reliant upon that person! My question is how many other ladies out there are the same and if anyone has any tips on how to avoid the inevitability of getting too attached?!

What kind of things happen when your feeling too attached?

jellie

personally i find i can do fine with not being too attached.. until the other person starts to lose interest in some way, or isnt AS attached at they were in the first place. thats when i find myself becoming TOO attached. i think its a case of wanting what i cant have

or maybe im just crazy (&drunk:o)

qwerty2

Moonbaby wrote: »

What kind of things happen when your feeling too attached?

I'm usually a very happy go lucky person so all my bfs have been as well! I would become increasingly attached, whereas they were still their easy-going selves and it always put a strain on our relationship! I was always the one who would go that extra mile to see them, whereas they were happy to see where the wind would take us, which was not always easy as most of my relatioships have been LDRs! I'm not saying my exs didn't care about me at the time, I know they did, they just never seemed to commit as much as I did to the relationship. I guess that's what's expected from teenage boys though :cool:

qwerty2

qwerty2 wrote: »

I'm usually a very happy go lucky person so all my bfs have been as well! I would become increasingly attached, whereas they were still their easy-going selves and it always put a strain on our relationship! I was always the one who would go that extra mile to see them, whereas they were happy to see where the wind would take us, which was not always easy as most of my relatioships have been LDRs! I'm not saying my exs didn't care about me at the time, I know they did, they just never seemed to commit as much as I did to the relationship. I guess that's what's expected from teenage boys though :cool:

It isnt at all clingy to expect your boyfriend to want to make seeing you a priority.
If your doing anything wrong, it is settling for relationships with people who don't appreciate you...or haven't the cop on to know how to go about having a relationship yet.
If I had any advice, it would be to back off and let them do the running.

A quiet one

I have a question;
Are not Boyfriends and FBs two different concepts?

Oh and BTW; you girls that are getting attached; That's the hormone Oxytocin at work.
It's not called the "bonding" hormone for nothing.

If you're highly susceptible to it then the following might very well not work

Firstly, you need to start being a bit more able to sexually objectify guys.

That means you need to take the "buddy" out of FB.
That doesn't mean pick a complete stranger. It means pick someone you tend to sexually objectify. Someone who, if you're being entirely honest with yourself, is a friend only because he's so hot.

The aim is not to have a sort of extended friendship relationship with him.
The idea is to use him.
He is not there to be one half of a mutally satisfying arangement.
Look on him as a means to an end.
Focus on satiating your needs only.
He's an object.

Way easier said then done of course. Especially since the alternative is so much better and more meaningful and grounded and ..I could go on.

That means that either you settle in your mind that you will have to do without the convenience of an alleviating stud and make do with a toy (and your imagination) until you're in a "proper" relationship.


Or start getting into porn and and start seeing guys as just meat.

How Strange

A quiet one wrote: »

I have a question;
Are not Boyfriends and FBs two different concepts?

Oh and BTW; you girls that are getting attached; That's the hormone Oxytocin at work.
It's not called the "bonding" hormone for nothing.

If you're highly susceptible to it then the following might very well not work

Firstly, you need to start being a bit more able to sexually objectify guys.

That means you need to take the "buddy" out of FB.
That doesn't mean pick a complete stranger. It means pick someone you tend to sexually objectify. Someone who, if you're being entirely honest with yourself, is a friend only because he's so hot.

The aim is not to have a sort of extended friendship relationship with him.
The idea is to use him.
He is not there to be one half of a mutally satisfying arangement.
Look on him as a means to an end.
Focus on satiating your needs only.
He's an object.

Way easier said then done of course. Especially since the alternative is so much better and more meaningful and grounded and ..I could go on.

That means that either you settle in your mind that you will have to do without the convenience of an alleviating stud and make do with a toy (and your imagination) until you're in a "proper" relationship.


Or start getting into porn and and start seeing guys as just meat.

Jebus :eek: no wonder people find it so hard to meet people these days. IMO, your view about sexual objectification is kind of disgusting.

The whole fb thing is relatively new and most probably an import from the US seeing as we're so quick to ape everything American. I certainly never remember people taking about fb's a few years ago. Yes, you got together with a guy who was great in bed but never wanted to see you sober in the light of day or vice versa and it was common that you fell for him or he for you until it ended. It was a dead end relationship based on sex and it usually ended after about 6 months when one of you met someone else.

I personally don't see how fb's work; if you want casual sex then have one night stands but human nature being what it is at some stage in the fb scenario one person is going to want more than the other.

minidazzler

How Strange wrote: »

Jebus :eek: no wonder people find it so hard to meet people these days. IMO, your view about sexual objectification is kind of disgusting.

I personally don't see how fb's work; if you want casual sex then have one night stands but human nature being what it is at some stage in the fb scenario one person is going to want more than the other.

I find that kinda funny, it's not disgusting at all. You hear all the time about how some men use women as pieces of meat. Just something to fcuk. Women can do the same!!

You said you don't see how it works, the post you quoted outlined a way it can work in general. If you don't get emotionally involved and just physically, it turns into masturbation with an active participant! It can work VERY well for some people, not so well for others!!

sam34

How Strange wrote: »

I personally don't see how fb's work; if you want casual sex then have one night stands but human nature being what it is at some stage in the fb scenario one person is going to want more than the other.

one night stands don't work for everyone.... i personally have zero interest in shagging randomers from a nightclub on a regular basis.

if i dont want a relationship, dont want one nighters, but want regular sex, then the obvious solution is a FB.

you dont have the dangerous element of bringing home or going home with strangers, the sex is reasonably regular, and with time ye will become used to what the other likes in bed.

it's entirely possible to be shagging someone regularly without becoming attached. i've done it for over a year.

i found having a FB liberating. because i didnt care about him, and didnt want a relationship with him, i found myself much more confident and uninhibited in bed than i would be if it was the initial stages with a man i was actually interested in... i didnt care if my FB thought my boobs were too big, thought i was too loud/quiet, thought i was into odd stuff/ whatever.... it didnt matter to me what he thought, so i was able to let go and i had great uninhibited unbridled sex.

A quiet one

How Strange wrote: »

Jebus :eek: no wonder people find it so hard to meet people these days. IMO, your view about sexual objectification is kind of disgusting.

My view of sexual objectification was indirectly expressed by saying
"Way easier said then done of course. Especially since the alternative is so much better and more meaningful and grounded and ..I could go on"

You seem to be saying that expressing the view that sexual objectification is vastly inferior to the alternative is disgusting.
Edit.

I also don't get what my comment has to do with difficulty in meeting people.

A quiet one

minidazzler wrote: »

, it turns into masturbation with an active participant!

Oh thank you for that far more succinct way of expressing what I was saying.