Cheater - should I tell?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I know my post is probably going to get some mixed reactions but I would really like people's input.

I have been involved with a guy for almost 3 years. Though he has had a girlfriend for all of this time (he has been with his girlfriend for almost 4 years). I have had a true wake up call and see him for the arrogant a$$hole he really is. He has hurt me time after time after time (deserved a lot will say and I can see why you would think it) but I chose to stay there, hoping that one day he would pick me. (How sad is that?)

Anyway, what I would like to do would be to get people's opinion on whether I should tell the girlfriend. I know that this would probably destroy her and I have looked at it objectively (it's not a revenge thing against her). I dont know the girl personally.

What do people think? And if you think I should tell her, how do I tell her?

Thanks

extrinzic

Be honest. You are only considering telling his girlfriend now because you are hurt, and know he will never commit to you. I think you should stay out of it to be honest. While you are not wholly responsible, you have done enough damage already.

PK2008

Dump him, forget them both and move on with your life

Kiera

Its not your place to tell her she's going out with a scumbag. Leave her alone and leave him alone.

Emme

want sum advice wrote: »

I have had a true wake up call and see him for the arrogant a$$hole he really is. He has hurt me time after time after time (deserved a lot will say and I can see why you would think it) but I chose to stay there, hoping that one day he would pick me. (How sad is that?)

Anyway, what I would like to do would be to get people's opinion on whether I should tell the girlfriend. I know that this would probably destroy her and I have looked at it objectively (it's not a revenge thing against her). I dont know the girl personally.

Mind your own business, turn a new leaf, walk away and keep your mouth shut. You were happy to stay in the situation for nearly 3 years and not say anything to the girlfriend. Revenge doesn't achieve anything good for anybody. Move on and find somebody who is single and available. Hopefully he won't cheat on you but as long as there are women willing to take on somebody else's partner there will always be men who cheat.:rolleyes:

sporina

you know the answer to this..
or if not - as yourself this?
why do you wanna tell her?
is it in prevent her from further hurt?

(bare in mind you have been hoping he would choose you over her which would result in her being hurt...)

didnt think so..

move on and learn from this please for your own sake

LegacyUser

If you cared about her feelings, or that she was going out with a cheater, you would have told a long time ago.

Also I imagine there have been times when he would have walked away from you before but you wouldn't let that happen.

After everything thats happened, now really is a time to behave with dignity, so you know you should just let these people get on with their lives now, and you get on with yours.

In the next few months you will probably begin to feel enormous relief to be out of this messy situation and you will probably find yourself being no.1 is somebody's life.

Wurly

You're considering telling her because you're hurt.

As much as she deserves to know, it's not your place to tell her.

Move on with your life and make better choices next time. I think you're aware now that you deserve better than that kind of sh!t.

davyjose

If you feel it's the right thing to do, why didn't you tell her 3 years ago?

You hurt her by being with him in the first place; telling her now is just being vindictive.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

kenbrady

want sum advice wrote: »

(How sad is that?)

Anyway, what I would like to do would be to get people's opinion on whether I should tell the girlfriend. I know that this would probably destroy her and I have looked at it objectively (it's not a revenge thing against her).

I'll bet part of the reason you want to tell her is in the hope that she will dump him.
Then he will have no one and be all alone.
Then hopefully he might be with you out of desperation.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LauranceB

My sentiments are with the other posters - don't tell his G/friend. It's up to her to find out for herself but it wouldn't surprise me if she already knew anyway. One of my wife's friends told her lately that she knew her husband cheated and was OK with it. I'd always wondered why her husband came across as a cocky git - now I know.

OP I don't want to come across as sounding mean but you were in no rush to tell his G/friend three years ago that he was a cheater. You are obviously hurt but you need to forget this moron and move on with your life. Next time try and meet a single guy! Hope everything works out for you.

Miss Fluff

If you are hoping to feel in somewhat way vindicated or feel the urge to do this out of vengeance, you can be guaranteed that after perhaps all of ten seconds of satisfaction, you will feel like completely and utter sh1t.

You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to gain by telling her. Do your self and your self-esteem a favour and forget he exists. File him away in the "never to be repeated" file and have no association with him or any part of his life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I am hurt. And while all the obvious reasons are there for me telling her - it is not in my interest to hurt her. It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is. And to let her make the decision on whether she would want to stay with him, knowing what he has done to her for so long. I must stress that I do not want him anymore, so it is not my hope that he could now chose me.

I know that if I dont tell her, she wont ever find out. She lives 100 miles from me and she would not know or find out from anyone else only me. I have thought about this long and hard, I have thought about it objectively and still have no decision made. This is why I have asked for your advice. Is it fair for her to end up married to him? Is it fair that she cannot make the choice knowing all the facts of her relationship?

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

kenbrady

want sum advice wrote: »

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

Do nothing and start moving on with your own life.
Don't feel sorry for the girl she has what you spend 3 year trying to get. He probably had lots of bits on the side but only one woman he though was good enough to be his girlfriend. She'll either find out about the cheating or he'll stop cheating and realise he can't get better than his girlfriend and marry her.

Barracudaincork

want sum advice wrote: »

It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is.

Why? Why is this in your interest?

You aided and abeted this cheating rat and you were very happy to be his bit of skirt for the last 3 years, why now, why now all of a sudden since he no longer wants you as his bit on the side, is it in your interest to expose him?

LegacyUser

Just to set the record straight. I have walked away from him. I am the person who ended this, not him. He has never had the ba!!s to do anything about it, be it end it with me or her. And not once did he ever try to walk away from me. I have tried to walk away many times in the past and he has had me tortured with phone calls and texts.

He hurt me with lies, thats the long and the short of it, and the last lie he told me (it wasnt anything out of this world, but it was an escalation on a whole big bunch of lies he has told me in the past), anyway - the last lie was breaking point for me. Now I have had enough.

I did do wrong, I am not defending myself in any way here, I was simply asking advice about whether she would want to know. I am glad it is over, and I do feel the relief.

Kimia

Out of interest OP, why didn't you tell the girlfriend earlier in your affair? Why wasn't it in your interest THEN to expose what a lying cheating rat he is?

Why now?

It's obvious. You're bitter and miserable. You want him to be bitter and miserable. Maybe if he's miserable, he'll beg you to come back to him, and then you'll have the satisfaction of telling him to f*ck off, and your evil plan will be complete.

You won't feel any better though. If you want to tell do - to be honest the only person who deserves sympathy is his girlfriend.

You're surprised that he lied to you? Seriously? Who cares if you're hurt and if he lied to you - surely the fact that he was cheating on his girlfriend would give you an inkling of what kind of man he is.

kenbrady

want sum advice wrote: »

Just to set the record straight. I have walked away from him. I am the person who ended this, not him. He has never had the ba!!s to do anything about it,

Why would he walk away from it ?, he has his life with his girlfriend and you providing him with easy, extra sex. It's not that he didn't have the balls, you were never more than sex to him, you still don't seem to realise that. Everything he said or did, was so you would keep sleeping with him, while letting him be with his girlfriend.

Kimia wrote: »

You're bitter and miserable. You want him to be bitter and miserable.

Misery loves company and some people can only make themselves feel better by making other people miserable.

OP the anger, rejection and bitterness has damaged you as a person. No decent person would hang around as a bit on the side for 3 years, hoping some guy will leave their girlfriend for them. You need to walk away and start rebuilding yourself, saying nothing to his girlfriend is the first step.

sporina

tis plain and simple OP - the only thing you want to achieve is revenge.
You are not thinking of her best interest - otherwise you would not have cheated with him in the first place.
Just walk away and I hope that you can learn something from this - dont be the third person to what already is a relationship.

Leah-G1

I have to say I slightly disagree with people on here. I agree you are definately doing it for the wrong reasons. This is not going to make the pain or the hurting any better I can promise you that... try your best to forget about him and move on.

However from the point of view of the real victim here (the dudes girlfriend) I personally would want to know if my boyfriend of x amount of years was cheating on me. Obviously hearing it from the girl that was the 'cheatee' is not ideal but regardless its better than not knowing at all!Personally I would want to know,the sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can move on from this a$$hole.

Remember its not you who is breaking her heart,its him. You are not going to cause her pain, he is.IMO he is the one to blame for this, he is the one cheating. Maybe you kind of owe it to her to tell her. Do it for the right reasons though

Best of luck on whatever you do

Barracudaincork

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I have to say I slightly disagree with people on here. I agree you are definately doing it for the wrong reasons. This is not going to make the pain or the hurting any better I can promise you that... try your best to forget about him and move on.

However from the point of view of the real victim here (the dudes girlfriend) I personally would want to know if my boyfriend of x amount of years was cheating on me. Obviously hearing it from the girl that was the 'cheatee' is not ideal but regardless its better than not knowing at all!Personally I would want to know,the sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can move on from this a$$hole.

Remember its not you who is breaking her heart,its him. You are not going to cause her pain, he is.IMO he is the one to blame for this, he is the one cheating. Maybe you kind of owe it to her to tell her. Do it for the right reasons though

Best of luck on whatever you do

The only reason he was able to cheat on his girlfriend is because the OP was available and ready for sex, if the OP wasnt so available, the girlfriend would not have been cheated on for the past 3 years!

Of course some other women would of just taken the OP place, but if no body was willing to be a bit on the side, no body would be able to cheat, so IMO as much as he is at fault here, so is the OP, she let the cheating happen too, so yeah she is to blame for hurting the girlfriend also.

sporina

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I have to say I slightly disagree with people on here. I agree you are definately doing it for the wrong reasons. This is not going to make the pain or the hurting any better I can promise you that... try your best to forget about him and move on.

However from the point of view of the real victim here (the dudes girlfriend) I personally would want to know if my boyfriend of x amount of years was cheating on me. Obviously hearing it from the girl that was the 'cheatee' is not ideal but regardless its better than not knowing at all!Personally I would want to know,the sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can move on from this a$$hole.

Remember its not you who is breaking her heart,its him. You are not going to cause her pain, he is.IMO he is the one to blame for this, he is the one cheating. Maybe you kind of owe it to her to tell her. Do it for the right reasons though

Best of luck on whatever you do

i agree she GF should know but not from the OP.
Can imagine how that would make her feel? Being told your BF is a cheater - by the person he has been cheating with - talk about rubbing her face in it.
OP just walk away....

Danniboo

want sum advice wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I am hurt. And while all the obvious reasons are there for me telling her - it is not in my interest to hurt her. It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is. And to let her make the decision on whether she would want to stay with him, knowing what he has done to her for so long. I must stress that I do not want him anymore, so it is not my hope that he could now chose me.

I know that if I dont tell her, she wont ever find out. She lives 100 miles from me and she would not know or find out from anyone else only me. I have thought about this long and hard, I have thought about it objectively and still have no decision made. This is why I have asked for your advice. Is it fair for her to end up married to him? Is it fair that she cannot make the choice knowing all the facts of her relationship?

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

If you felt that sorry for her you wouldn't have done this for 3 years, while he is a creep you also knew he was in a relationship. I personally would like to know if I was in this womans shoes, however I don't think its your place to tell her. Her bf needs to tell her, but i'd say there's no chance of that happening.

sporina

want sum advice wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I am hurt. And while all the obvious reasons are there for me telling her - it is not in my interest to hurt her. It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is. And to let her make the decision on whether she would want to stay with him, knowing what he has done to her for so long. I must stress that I do not want him anymore, so it is not my hope that he could now chose me.

I know that if I dont tell her, she wont ever find out. She lives 100 miles from me and she would not know or find out from anyone else only me. I have thought about this long and hard, I have thought about it objectively and still have no decision made. This is why I have asked for your advice. Is it fair for her to end up married to him? Is it fair that she cannot make the choice knowing all the facts of her relationship?

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

you say ye were at it for 3 yrs? Surly if so she must have some idea he has been cheating? Else he is a great liar and/or she is dumb.
You never know what she knows.
Can you imagine if you tell her? She will not take it lying down. She will want to talk to you about it and perhaps tear your limbs off? Walk away - not your problem.
You are not in a position to feel sorry for her - you were the one he cheated with.

Leah-G1

i agree she GF should know but not from the OP.
Can imagine how that would make her feel? Being told your BF is a cheater - by the person he has been cheating with - talk about rubbing her face in it.
OP just walk away....

I agree its not ideal but IMO its better than not knowing. Obviously it should be her boyfriend who tells her but I doubt after 3 years that hes suddenly going to feel remorseful and tell her the truth!

The only reason he was able to cheat on his girlfriend is because the OP was available and ready for sex, if the OP wasnt so available, the girlfriend would not have been cheated on for the past 3 years!

Of course some other women would of just taken the OP place, but if no body was willing to be a bit on the side, no body would be able to cheat, so IMO as much as he is at fault here, so is the OP, she let the cheating happen too, so yeah she is to blame for hurting the girlfriend also.

You cant blame the people he cheated with for his bad doings, HE is the relationship. He is the one who should have been faithful. As you pointed out yourself anybody could have been the "other person" which even cements the fact that this is HIS responsiblity not the OP's.

The OP needs to ask herself some honest questions :
Are you doing this to get back at him?
Or are you doing it for the right reasons ( to make good what you did wrong for the past 3 years to this girl and let her know the truth)?

Barracudaincork

Leah-G1 wrote: »

You cant blame the people he cheated with for his bad doings, HE is the relationship. He is the one who should have been faithful. As you pointed out yourself anybody could have been the "other person" which even cements the fact that this is HIS responsiblity not the OP's.

If people were not willing to be someones bit on the side there would be no chance for the boyfriend to have a bit on the side, so yeah i can blame her and anyone else who thinks its ok to be with someone who is already attached. It is the OP's responsibility to be a good person and not partake in someone having an affair. She is by no means innocent in this whatsoever!

Leah-G1

I dont think shes proud of whats happened...?

She was asking do we think the girl would want to know and I think she would. Im a girl, with a boyfriend, and I would certainly want to know. Regardless of the source.

Barracudaincork

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I dont think shes proud of whats happened...?

She was asking do we think the girl would want to know and I think she would. Im a girl, with a boyfriend, and I would certainly want to know. Regardless of the source.

Really you dont think she is proud of it? Three years is a long time to be not very proud of yourself dont you think? The OP was fine with it until they broke up and only now does pride and the feelings of his girlfriend come into it etc

I know what you are saying re wanting to know and if it was me then yes i too would want to know but if the person who my partner cheated on me with told me, I would treat them like i did Daddy Longlegs when i was a kid and tear them apart limb by limb!!!! (ok well of course i wouldnt get violent, no one is worth lowering myself to that, but you know what i mean)

Leah-G1

Of course! I would be very angry too...very very angry with both people but its sad this girl is out there thinking her boyfriend is great and hes basically a sh!thead. She deserves to know and now OP is in a position to tell her as shes cut ties with the boyfriend.

Really you dont think she is proud of it? Three years is a long time to be not very proud of yourself dont you think? The OP was fine with it until they broke up and only now does pride and the feelings of his girlfriend come into it etc

We really dont know the in's and out's of the OPs morals so its not for us to say really. I would give her the benefit of the doubt though as she sounds like shes been lied to and hurt aswell.

It really comes down to the OPs motive in all this.

AnonoBoy

Invariably girls who want to get revenge on the guy that they thought was going to pick them over his girlfriend start to think 'oh the poor girl' when they've been dumped.

They attempt to rationlise their revenge by pretending they give a sh*t about the girlfriend. "Oh I only now realised what he was really like."

So the few years he was cheating with you didn't clue you in?

If he's still with her after three years and you're the secret bit on the side then he's never going to choose you. It's not like they're married with kids. If he wanted you over her he'd have dumped her and got with you. But he wanted her and to have you on the side when he wanted something a bit different.

Don't tell her. Or if you do at least don't lie to yourself and pretend you're doing it for her sake. And don't think she'll dump him and he'll come back to you, it never happens like that.

LegacyUser

Hi all

For starters, I certinaly do not want him back. And yes while he has hurt me (very very badly in the past) - this time for me there has been so much past hurt that I am now completely numb to it all. I do not want him back - it's as though some lightbulb has been turned on in my mind that has allowed me to see everything from a clear perspective.

What prompted me to think about why I would tell her - was because myself and one of my colleagues were talking about this and I asked her how she would feel if she found out today that her husband had cheated on her for 3 years before they got married. She told me that it would destroy everything, that everything would be a lie and she could never trust him again.

He's a bo!!ox, we've all established that. I am a person who contributed to the cheating, my morals were on the floor where he was concerned and I allowed it to go on. I am no longer allowing it to go on. And no, I am certainly not proud of myself for any of it.

But again, this is not about my morals, about how much I contributed to it or about how bad a person I am. My original question was only to know whether people felt it would be the right thing to do to tell her. And I am really glad to see the mixture of responses that I have received.

Thanks everyone.

gimme5minutes

Alot of very poor replies in this thread imo. Can I ask the people who are saying not to tell the girlfriend what they would be advising op to do if the situation was as follows - she was a friend of the girl being cheated on and she knew for a fact the bf was having a long running affair? Of course you'd all be saying that she should tell her friend that her bf is cheating on her. But because it is likely that she is doing it out of revenge her you are telling her to keep her mouth shut.

What the hell does it matter if she is doing it out of revenge or not, the fact is the gf who is being cheated on for several years gets to find out about it and dump the cheating bf. You would definitely be doing her a huge favour by letting her know about it OP.

'She's only doing it for revenge blah blah blah...', so what, it is still the best thing to do for the girl who is being cheated, as opposed to her finding out herself in a few years time and having lots of regrets and hurt over the years she wasted with this cheater.

gimme5minutes

Leah-G1 wrote: »

The OP needs to ask herself some honest questions :
Are you doing this to get back at him?
Or are you doing it for the right reasons ( to make good what you did wrong for the past 3 years to this girl and let her know the truth)?

It doesn't matter a bit what reasons she is doing it for. Whether it's out of malice or guilt the best course of action is to tell the gf so that is what she should do.

Shelga

Yeah I'd be of the opinion that the girlfriend needs to know, regardless of how she finds out. However she's going to be hurt, shocked and angry, you are not the best person to tell her.

Is there anyone that connects the two of you? (you and her bf, that is) Anyone else who could break the news to her?

If not I'd still advise telling her. But be aware that you have known he's a cheat for 3 years- it'll be a devastating shock to her. Unless she knows already and is ignoring it, in which case this whole thread is moot

Chinafoot

Barracudaincork wrote: »

If people were not willing to be someones bit on the side there would be no chance for the boyfriend to have a bit on the side, so yeah i can blame her and anyone else who thinks its ok to be with someone who is already attached. It is the OP's responsibility to be a good person and not partake in someone having an affair. She is by no means innocent in this whatsoever!

Where has anyone claimed she's innocent? She knows what she did was wrong and unfortunately it can be very easy to get caught up in something like this if you are mad about the person. Sometimes its easier to believe the lies.

Whether you like it or not, ultimately the responsibility lies with him. He is the one who is in the relationship with this other girl. He is the one who decided to cheat. This attitude of "oh well, if there were no harlots out there willing to be with him it would never have happened" is such bull. What about the men who lie about their relationship status and have affairs that way? Women who automatically throw blame at the other woman for leading their poor fella astray really need to have a reality check. She's walked away from the situation, good for her. Condemning her like this serves no purpose whatsoever and certainly doesnt answer the question she has asked.

To the OP, if it were me I would definitely want to know. I'm sure initially I wouldn't thank you for it but once the dust settles I'd no doubt see that you had most definitely done me a massive favour.

LegacyUser

Hi all (once again)

Thanks for the most recent posts. I have never claimed to be innocent, I have already stated this and I think the topic is finally getting to the stage of answering my original question. So thanks for this.

In relation to the possibility of her already knowing - I do know that she would have reason to doubt him in the past - primarily an incident that happened during the summer where she and I ended up in the same room. She does know I exist as a person, not as her bf's bit on the side. I think there may have been some element of doubt, but I can assure you - he would have talked his way out of it completely. I know for certain that he would tell a lie that would hang his mother, so I think there is no doubt that he would go to whatever lengths it would take to protect himself.

I know I may be seen to be as bad as him, but I dont think Im just as bad or on his level. Yes I knew about her, and I was party to everything - but I did remind him more times about how unfair it was what he was doing and how could he even live with himself. I did feel remorse for her. Furthermore, I was not going home to someone else after having spent the night with him. I was not cheating on anyone else. He felt it was completely justified. The shame is that she does think there is nothing like him, I would say she probably trusts him and believes him 100% and I think she is a good decent innocent person. I think she is very soft and he takes advantage and probably manipulates her. I think she is someone who doesnt challenge him and I think that suits him.

Please understand that I couldnt see any of this in the way I see it now that I am out of the situation. I was completely and utter fooled and I allowed it to happen. I allowed my whole thought process to become warped and actually believed it was ok for me to be treated how he treated me. I have never came on here asking for sympathy from anyone, but it has been very tough (deserved).

And you know something - he wouldnt believe for one second that I would tell her. He's caught up in his bubble that he thinks would never burst. I am bad, yes, but I am not as bad as him.

Thanks again.

writestoomuch

+1

It's a horrible situation to be in and I don't envy you at all, but morals aside, the girlfriend has a right to know. If you're the only one who has the information do that then it has to be you who does it.

Good luck.

yogalady

Hi Op

Just wanted to ask if you ok first of all. I can't imagine the last 3 years have been easy. No matter what anyone says u were single he was the one in a relationship. He was the one being unfaithful. Not you

I would say don't tell his girlfriend. She might already know and be turning a blind eye and telling her will only make you look bad. Secondly if she doesn't know then you telling her will make u look like the bad guy. At the end of the day he was the one betraying her not you. Don't be the fall guy for his bad behaviour. She will find out eventually anyway. he'll do something stupid and she'll figure it out if she doesn't know already. Don't put urself in a place where you'll get even more hurt than you already have been

LegacyUser

Ok OP.


I think I'm qualified to answer your question because I've been the guy in a similar situation.

I was broken up with a girl, lets call her 'Ann' and I met another girl, lets call her 'Breda'.

I fell in love with Breda but I had deeper ties to Ann, so I dragged it on for over two years because I loved both people. I liked what I got from both and I honestly could not decide.

After two years I broke up with Breda because I known and loved Ann longer; nothing more complicated than that. I told Ann about Breda. We went through hell and got over it. Next thing I know Breda was outside my door (and Ann's) at four o'clock in the morning one night. Ann already knew about her but when she had the woman banging on her door months later in the middle of the night, she was terribly hurt. I was hurt for Breda as well but I was angry that she did this. It didn't make me want her. Ann broke up with me and moved out and I was on my own but I still didn't go to Breda, not cause I wasn't sorry about the hurt I caused her or cause I didn't like her, but I couldn't think of her without thining of the damage she had done to me and Ann.

I thought that I couldn't make decision about who I wanted, but when the chips were down I wanted Ann. I still love Breda, she's a great girl and she doesn't deserve what she got from me. Don't let anyone tell you that your fella was just with you for sex. I didn't stay seeing Breda for two years just for sex. I was in love with Breda and I was confused cause I'd been with Ann longer, which is maybe a lazy excuse for I didn't want to take responsibility for my ****. I hoped one of the girls would leave. If Ann wasn't on the scene from the start I'd have been with Breda in a shot. But things happen the way they do. Ann came back to me and we're ok again.

Breda met a new lad and she's six months pregnant. I've not seen her since that night but I'd love to tell her that I still think of her and wish her the very best.

When there's 3 people involved there has to be a looser. You know that. I'm sorry that its you. I'm sorry that it was Breda.

But you won't get him by trying to fook up his life. I am happy that I'm with Ann cause she's my soulmate but if I had another lifetime I'd be with Breda. I still love her but I don't want to go through all that again. I'm sick of hurting people so I had to choose someone.

Would it be better to go on another year without your fella choosing?

Leave them alone and be happy with what you have: freedom.

star-pants

If it were me I'd want to know.
however, I know I'd want to know why you'd never told me before, I'd be like, why you only telling me now, why you feeling sorry now? I'd be well p*ssed off and tbh, I'd know you were only saying it because you and him were over. Or to relieve your own guilt.

Thing is, if you do tell her, are you prepared for what will happen?
There are many reactions, denial - no you're just a liar etc etc, she'll go ask him, he may or may not say something, she may finally realise you were saying the truth. She'll come back to you, she'll want to know everything. She'll want to know times dates what happened what went on everything! (most likely anyway)
Because it went on for so long she'll need to know, to establish things in her head.
She might want to know nothing, she might not believe you full stop.
She might go for you, she might go out of her way to make your life miserable, she might expose you to others. And that's something you'd have to deal with long term.

There's a lot of ifs and mights I know. But IF you tell her, you have to be prepared for the reactions, and IF you tell her, you have to be prepared to tell her everything. You can't say 'oh your bfs a cheater I've been with him 3 yrs' and walk away.

TBH it's a tough call, personally I don't believe you're doing it for her, not completely anyway, otherwise you'd have done it a long time ago. On the other hand - if I was her, I'd want to know if my bf was cheating on me. To know that he and someone else was making a fool of me. But if I was told by someone that had been helping him cheat for so long, I'd feel they were saying it out of malice tbh.

So really - the decision lies with you - everyone here can tell you yes or no or whatever, but it's up to you. If you're prepared to expose yourself, and prepared to deal with whatever comes - then tell her. If you're not, or aren't willing to sit down (at some point) and go through every nitty gritty detail with her, then don't tell her.
That's just my opinion.

gimme5minutes

msmuffins wrote: »

Hi Op
I would say don't tell his girlfriend. She might already know and be turning a blind eye and telling her will only make you look bad. Secondly if she doesn't know then you telling her will make u look like the bad guy. At the end of the day he was the one betraying her not you. Don't be the fall guy for his bad behaviour. She will find out eventually anyway. he'll do something stupid and she'll figure it out if she doesn't know already. Don't put urself in a place where you'll get even more hurt than you already have been

Eh, it has been going on for 3 years and she hasn't found out yet. It could go on for several more years before she finds out. That is a serious amount of time wasted for this girl. I think anyone in the gf's situation would prefer to find out asap if her bf is cheating rather than waste literally years in a sham relationship.

star-pants wrote: »

If it were me I'd want to know.
however, I know I'd want to know why you'd never told me before, I'd be like, why you only telling me now, why you feeling sorry now? I'd be well p*ssed off and tbh, I'd know you were only saying it because you and him were over. Or to relieve your own guilt.

Who cares if she's telling out of revenge? Does it make it any different for the gf? Or the OP? No, her motives for telling make will make zero difference to how the situation plays out. The question is 'is it the right thing to do?' and the answer is of course it is, she would be doing this girl an absolutely massive favour whether its out of revenge or not.

Thing is, if you do tell her, are you prepared for what will happen?
There are many reactions, denial - no you're just a liar etc etc, she'll go ask him, he may or may not say something, she may finally realise you were saying the truth. She'll come back to you, she'll want to know everything. She'll want to know times dates what happened what went on everything! (most likely anyway)
Because it went on for so long she'll need to know, to establish things in her head.
She might want to know nothing, she might not believe you full stop.
She might go for you, she might go out of her way to make your life miserable, she might expose you to others. And that's something you'd have to deal with long term.

OP doesn't need to sit down and have a coffee and spent 5 hours discussing it with this girl. However she decides to tell her it can be on her own terms, its completely up to her. She could just ring the girl in question, or leave a note asking the girl to call her, and do it over the phone. Or she could call to her house and say 'you are not going to like what I say so I am just going to say it and leave'. Whatever questions the gf has she can direct them at the bf, all the OP needs to do is let the cat out of the bag.

There's a lot of ifs and mights I know. But IF you tell her, you have to be prepared for the reactions, and IF you tell her, you have to be prepared to tell her everything. You can't say 'oh your bfs a cheater I've been with him 3 yrs' and walk away.

No she doesn't have to tell her everything. She can of course just say your 'bfs a cheater I've been with him 3 yrs and' walk away and its what I think she should do, if she decides not to do it over the phone. The OP can approach this situation however she likes, there is no need for her to get into a blazing row with this girl, that will help neither of them.

TBH it's a tough call, personally I don't believe you're doing it for her, not completely anyway, otherwise you'd have done it a long time ago. On the other hand - if I was her, I'd want to know if my bf was cheating on me. To know that he and someone else was making a fool of me. But if I was told by someone that had been helping him cheat for so long, I'd feel they were saying it out of malice tbh.

So really - the decision lies with you - everyone here can tell you yes or no or whatever, but it's up to you. If you're prepared to expose yourself, and prepared to deal with whatever comes - then tell her. If you're not, or aren't willing to sit down (at some point) and go through every nitty gritty detail with her, then don't tell her.
That's just my opinion.

Same stuff other people were saying - 'oh your only doing it out of malice'. It doesn't matter if she is doing it out of malice. Tell me star-pants if your bf had been cheating on you for 3 years would you prefer not to hear about it because the girl he cheated with would be telling you out of malice, and then you end up spending another 5 years with him before you foundout your relationship was a sham and you had just wasted 8 years of your life? Or would you prefer to hear about it asap so that you can ditch the bastard and find someone who wont cheat on you?

star-pants

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Who cares if she's telling out of revenge? Does it make it any different for the gf? Or the OP? No, her motives for telling make will make zero difference to how the situation plays out.

Well it would make a difference really, if someone told you they found out X was having an affair with your OH, or X told you they were having an affair with your OH, would you react differently there and then? Yes you would.

gimme5minutes wrote:

No she doesn't have to tell her everything. She can of course just say your 'bfs a cheater I've been with him 3 yrs and' walk away and its what I think she should do, if she decides not to do it over the phone. The OP can approach this situation however she likes, there is no need for her to get into a blazing row with this girl, that will help neither of them.

Blazing row won't help anyone - the point is - she said she wants to tell this girl so she knows what a rotten person he is. If she just says 'he's cheated with me' and walks away and the girl doesn't believe her, or the girl asks for proof and the OP won't tell her then the girl may think she's making it up.
Thus not doing what the OP wants, the OP has stated she wants the girl to know so she can make an educated decision, little seeds of doubt my not do that. The girl needs the truth to do that.

gimme5minutes wrote:

Same stuff other people were saying - 'oh your only doing it out of malice'. It doesn't matter if she is doing it out of malice. Tell me star-pants if your bf had been cheating on you for 3 years would you prefer not to hear about it because the girl he cheated with would be telling you out of malice, and then you end up spending another 5 years with him before you foundout your relationship was a sham and you had just wasted 8 years of your life? Or would you prefer to hear about it asap so that you can ditch the bastard and find someone who wont cheat on you?

IF you read my post properly you will see I said I'd rather know. At least twice.
I was just telling her what may happen, what might be asked of her. If you're going to go through with someone you have to be prepared.
I've had guys cheat on me - and I've not found out at the time. I've found out after, and I felt like such an idiot. Especially when people come and tell you.
I never said she shouldn't tell her, I was just saying she should have told her before now and that her current reasons for wanting to tell aren't purely out of 'pity' and that the gf may feel the same and to be prepared for what may be said to her/about her when she tells the gf.

LegacyUser

As the OP is the one who has asked for advice here, she is our concern, not the man's gf.

And its pretty clear that she would doing this out of malice. Acting out of malice ALWAYS hurts the malicious person. And it doesn't make sense why she would want to involve herself anymore in these people's lives and get involved even in thinking about their feelings and reactions.

OP, the man has made his decision. He wants her, not you. This hurts but if you ever loved him, you should respect his shot at happiness. He has walked away and is giving you your chance for happiness. Only contact her if you want to hurt yourself more.

I know if someone contacted me and said my partner had been cheating my reaction would be F*** off, no matter how much I wanted to know, because couples close ranks, thats what they do and thats how they stay glued together.

LegacyUser

wordswords wrote: »

As the OP is the one who has asked for advice here, she is our concern, not the man's gf.

And its pretty clear that she would doing this out of malice. Acting out of malice ALWAYS hurts the malicious person. And it doesn't make sense why she would want to involve herself anymore in these people's lives and get involved even in thinking about their feelings and reactions.

OP, the man has made his decision. He wants her, not you. This hurts but if you ever loved him, you should respect his shot at happiness. He has walked away and is giving you your chance for happiness. Only contact her if you want to hurt yourself more.

I know if someone contacted me and said my partner had been cheating my reaction would be F*** off, no matter how much I wanted to know, because couples close ranks, thats what they do and thats how they stay glued together.

Once again, I made the choice. Not him. He never made a choice - NOT EVER. I could never get him to make a choice. So I suppose if you want to call it that - he made a choice by not making a choice, if you get me.

So the general concensus would appear to be that people are advising me not to tell her as it would be seen that I am rubbing her nose in it and that I am doing it out of malice. I still dont know what to do. I have thought about sending her sister an email and telling her everything, leaving it in her hands and letting her call the shots. And if the sister chooses to tell her, then it would be coming from someone she knows and the sister could do it in a way that might at least be more compassionate than if it were me.

What now?

LegacyUser

I get the impression he has led you on to believe he would leave her, otherwise you wouldn't have stuck with him for 3 years. If he has lied his way through your 'relationship' then he will be doing it to her.

If I was her, I would want to know. Is there no way you could get someone you know to tell her? I really really would want to know, then it is her choice whether she wants to work through it or get rid of him. Either way, she has a right to know what he has done to her.

LegacyUser

Firstly I just want to address what you said about telling her sister. This in my opinion is merely just passing the buck, making you feel guilt free.It will cause so much hurt and pain and now include her sister in it,somebody who is entirely innocent in all of this.Why involve her??Thats just mean and not necessary.

I dont know if im qualified to give an opinion on the rest, but all i can tell you is the devastation the truth will cause.My mother just found out that her husband of more than 30 years has been having an affair, and you know what??The truth hurts. You might think the truth will set her free bla bla bla, but sometimes what you dont know really doesnt hurt you. She obviously cares deeply for this man, shes been dating him for 4 years. This will just cause so much hurt and pain.

You should have walked away 3 years ago but you didnt. Dont make it any worse now.Walk away and leave them to themselves.

LegacyUser

There are some really big resposes to this so I'll be short -

1. People are going after YOU for your actions and not thinking about the big picture here or what your question really is.

2. Most people seem to be incapable of seeing that this man's girlfriend is the victim not you and not him.

3. She deserves to know what is happening in her relationship, simple as that, because EVERYONE deserves to know what is going on in their relationship...

4. Who here in reality would not want to know their other half is cheating on them...she is living a lie because of your and this man's actions - tell her, tell her NOW!

sporina

it is not up to the OP to tell her - this thread is from her POV.
as for telling her sister.. thats just wrong. move on.

Wagon

Tell her. You and him will both look just as bad but at least his girlfriend won't be wasting her time on him. She has the right to decide what to do, and he sure as hell won't ever tell her. If you tell (for whatever reasons you have) at least his girlfriend can be given good reason to leave and find someone who'll treat her with respect. She's the victim in all this, not you or him.