Cheater - should I tell?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I know my post is probably going to get some mixed reactions but I would really like people's input.

I have been involved with a guy for almost 3 years. Though he has had a girlfriend for all of this time (he has been with his girlfriend for almost 4 years). I have had a true wake up call and see him for the arrogant a$$hole he really is. He has hurt me time after time after time (deserved a lot will say and I can see why you would think it) but I chose to stay there, hoping that one day he would pick me. (How sad is that?)

Anyway, what I would like to do would be to get people's opinion on whether I should tell the girlfriend. I know that this would probably destroy her and I have looked at it objectively (it's not a revenge thing against her). I dont know the girl personally.

What do people think? And if you think I should tell her, how do I tell her?

Thanks

extrinzic

Be honest. You are only considering telling his girlfriend now because you are hurt, and know he will never commit to you. I think you should stay out of it to be honest. While you are not wholly responsible, you have done enough damage already.

PK2008

Dump him, forget them both and move on with your life

Kiera

Its not your place to tell her she's going out with a scumbag. Leave her alone and leave him alone.

Emme

want sum advice wrote: »

I have had a true wake up call and see him for the arrogant a$$hole he really is. He has hurt me time after time after time (deserved a lot will say and I can see why you would think it) but I chose to stay there, hoping that one day he would pick me. (How sad is that?)

Anyway, what I would like to do would be to get people's opinion on whether I should tell the girlfriend. I know that this would probably destroy her and I have looked at it objectively (it's not a revenge thing against her). I dont know the girl personally.

Mind your own business, turn a new leaf, walk away and keep your mouth shut. You were happy to stay in the situation for nearly 3 years and not say anything to the girlfriend. Revenge doesn't achieve anything good for anybody. Move on and find somebody who is single and available. Hopefully he won't cheat on you but as long as there are women willing to take on somebody else's partner there will always be men who cheat.:rolleyes:

sporina

you know the answer to this..
or if not - as yourself this?
why do you wanna tell her?
is it in prevent her from further hurt?

(bare in mind you have been hoping he would choose you over her which would result in her being hurt...)

didnt think so..

move on and learn from this please for your own sake

LegacyUser

If you cared about her feelings, or that she was going out with a cheater, you would have told a long time ago.

Also I imagine there have been times when he would have walked away from you before but you wouldn't let that happen.

After everything thats happened, now really is a time to behave with dignity, so you know you should just let these people get on with their lives now, and you get on with yours.

In the next few months you will probably begin to feel enormous relief to be out of this messy situation and you will probably find yourself being no.1 is somebody's life.

Wurly

You're considering telling her because you're hurt.

As much as she deserves to know, it's not your place to tell her.

Move on with your life and make better choices next time. I think you're aware now that you deserve better than that kind of sh!t.

davyjose

If you feel it's the right thing to do, why didn't you tell her 3 years ago?

You hurt her by being with him in the first place; telling her now is just being vindictive.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

kenbrady

want sum advice wrote: »

(How sad is that?)

Anyway, what I would like to do would be to get people's opinion on whether I should tell the girlfriend. I know that this would probably destroy her and I have looked at it objectively (it's not a revenge thing against her).

I'll bet part of the reason you want to tell her is in the hope that she will dump him.
Then he will have no one and be all alone.
Then hopefully he might be with you out of desperation.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LauranceB

My sentiments are with the other posters - don't tell his G/friend. It's up to her to find out for herself but it wouldn't surprise me if she already knew anyway. One of my wife's friends told her lately that she knew her husband cheated and was OK with it. I'd always wondered why her husband came across as a cocky git - now I know.

OP I don't want to come across as sounding mean but you were in no rush to tell his G/friend three years ago that he was a cheater. You are obviously hurt but you need to forget this moron and move on with your life. Next time try and meet a single guy! Hope everything works out for you.

Miss Fluff

If you are hoping to feel in somewhat way vindicated or feel the urge to do this out of vengeance, you can be guaranteed that after perhaps all of ten seconds of satisfaction, you will feel like completely and utter sh1t.

You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to gain by telling her. Do your self and your self-esteem a favour and forget he exists. File him away in the "never to be repeated" file and have no association with him or any part of his life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I am hurt. And while all the obvious reasons are there for me telling her - it is not in my interest to hurt her. It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is. And to let her make the decision on whether she would want to stay with him, knowing what he has done to her for so long. I must stress that I do not want him anymore, so it is not my hope that he could now chose me.

I know that if I dont tell her, she wont ever find out. She lives 100 miles from me and she would not know or find out from anyone else only me. I have thought about this long and hard, I have thought about it objectively and still have no decision made. This is why I have asked for your advice. Is it fair for her to end up married to him? Is it fair that she cannot make the choice knowing all the facts of her relationship?

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

kenbrady

want sum advice wrote: »

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

Do nothing and start moving on with your own life.
Don't feel sorry for the girl she has what you spend 3 year trying to get. He probably had lots of bits on the side but only one woman he though was good enough to be his girlfriend. She'll either find out about the cheating or he'll stop cheating and realise he can't get better than his girlfriend and marry her.

Barracudaincork

want sum advice wrote: »

It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is.

Why? Why is this in your interest?

You aided and abeted this cheating rat and you were very happy to be his bit of skirt for the last 3 years, why now, why now all of a sudden since he no longer wants you as his bit on the side, is it in your interest to expose him?

LegacyUser

Just to set the record straight. I have walked away from him. I am the person who ended this, not him. He has never had the ba!!s to do anything about it, be it end it with me or her. And not once did he ever try to walk away from me. I have tried to walk away many times in the past and he has had me tortured with phone calls and texts.

He hurt me with lies, thats the long and the short of it, and the last lie he told me (it wasnt anything out of this world, but it was an escalation on a whole big bunch of lies he has told me in the past), anyway - the last lie was breaking point for me. Now I have had enough.

I did do wrong, I am not defending myself in any way here, I was simply asking advice about whether she would want to know. I am glad it is over, and I do feel the relief.

Kimia

Out of interest OP, why didn't you tell the girlfriend earlier in your affair? Why wasn't it in your interest THEN to expose what a lying cheating rat he is?

Why now?

It's obvious. You're bitter and miserable. You want him to be bitter and miserable. Maybe if he's miserable, he'll beg you to come back to him, and then you'll have the satisfaction of telling him to f*ck off, and your evil plan will be complete.

You won't feel any better though. If you want to tell do - to be honest the only person who deserves sympathy is his girlfriend.

You're surprised that he lied to you? Seriously? Who cares if you're hurt and if he lied to you - surely the fact that he was cheating on his girlfriend would give you an inkling of what kind of man he is.

kenbrady

want sum advice wrote: »

Just to set the record straight. I have walked away from him. I am the person who ended this, not him. He has never had the ba!!s to do anything about it,

Why would he walk away from it ?, he has his life with his girlfriend and you providing him with easy, extra sex. It's not that he didn't have the balls, you were never more than sex to him, you still don't seem to realise that. Everything he said or did, was so you would keep sleeping with him, while letting him be with his girlfriend.

Kimia wrote: »

You're bitter and miserable. You want him to be bitter and miserable.

Misery loves company and some people can only make themselves feel better by making other people miserable.

OP the anger, rejection and bitterness has damaged you as a person. No decent person would hang around as a bit on the side for 3 years, hoping some guy will leave their girlfriend for them. You need to walk away and start rebuilding yourself, saying nothing to his girlfriend is the first step.

sporina

tis plain and simple OP - the only thing you want to achieve is revenge.
You are not thinking of her best interest - otherwise you would not have cheated with him in the first place.
Just walk away and I hope that you can learn something from this - dont be the third person to what already is a relationship.

Leah-G1

I have to say I slightly disagree with people on here. I agree you are definately doing it for the wrong reasons. This is not going to make the pain or the hurting any better I can promise you that... try your best to forget about him and move on.

However from the point of view of the real victim here (the dudes girlfriend) I personally would want to know if my boyfriend of x amount of years was cheating on me. Obviously hearing it from the girl that was the 'cheatee' is not ideal but regardless its better than not knowing at all!Personally I would want to know,the sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can move on from this a$$hole.

Remember its not you who is breaking her heart,its him. You are not going to cause her pain, he is.IMO he is the one to blame for this, he is the one cheating. Maybe you kind of owe it to her to tell her. Do it for the right reasons though

Best of luck on whatever you do

Barracudaincork

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I have to say I slightly disagree with people on here. I agree you are definately doing it for the wrong reasons. This is not going to make the pain or the hurting any better I can promise you that... try your best to forget about him and move on.

However from the point of view of the real victim here (the dudes girlfriend) I personally would want to know if my boyfriend of x amount of years was cheating on me. Obviously hearing it from the girl that was the 'cheatee' is not ideal but regardless its better than not knowing at all!Personally I would want to know,the sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can move on from this a$$hole.

Remember its not you who is breaking her heart,its him. You are not going to cause her pain, he is.IMO he is the one to blame for this, he is the one cheating. Maybe you kind of owe it to her to tell her. Do it for the right reasons though

Best of luck on whatever you do

The only reason he was able to cheat on his girlfriend is because the OP was available and ready for sex, if the OP wasnt so available, the girlfriend would not have been cheated on for the past 3 years!

Of course some other women would of just taken the OP place, but if no body was willing to be a bit on the side, no body would be able to cheat, so IMO as much as he is at fault here, so is the OP, she let the cheating happen too, so yeah she is to blame for hurting the girlfriend also.

sporina

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I have to say I slightly disagree with people on here. I agree you are definately doing it for the wrong reasons. This is not going to make the pain or the hurting any better I can promise you that... try your best to forget about him and move on.

However from the point of view of the real victim here (the dudes girlfriend) I personally would want to know if my boyfriend of x amount of years was cheating on me. Obviously hearing it from the girl that was the 'cheatee' is not ideal but regardless its better than not knowing at all!Personally I would want to know,the sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can move on from this a$$hole.

Remember its not you who is breaking her heart,its him. You are not going to cause her pain, he is.IMO he is the one to blame for this, he is the one cheating. Maybe you kind of owe it to her to tell her. Do it for the right reasons though

Best of luck on whatever you do

i agree she GF should know but not from the OP.
Can imagine how that would make her feel? Being told your BF is a cheater - by the person he has been cheating with - talk about rubbing her face in it.
OP just walk away....

Danniboo

want sum advice wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I am hurt. And while all the obvious reasons are there for me telling her - it is not in my interest to hurt her. It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is. And to let her make the decision on whether she would want to stay with him, knowing what he has done to her for so long. I must stress that I do not want him anymore, so it is not my hope that he could now chose me.

I know that if I dont tell her, she wont ever find out. She lives 100 miles from me and she would not know or find out from anyone else only me. I have thought about this long and hard, I have thought about it objectively and still have no decision made. This is why I have asked for your advice. Is it fair for her to end up married to him? Is it fair that she cannot make the choice knowing all the facts of her relationship?

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

If you felt that sorry for her you wouldn't have done this for 3 years, while he is a creep you also knew he was in a relationship. I personally would like to know if I was in this womans shoes, however I don't think its your place to tell her. Her bf needs to tell her, but i'd say there's no chance of that happening.

sporina

want sum advice wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I am hurt. And while all the obvious reasons are there for me telling her - it is not in my interest to hurt her. It is in my interest to expose him for the lying cheating rat that he is. And to let her make the decision on whether she would want to stay with him, knowing what he has done to her for so long. I must stress that I do not want him anymore, so it is not my hope that he could now chose me.

I know that if I dont tell her, she wont ever find out. She lives 100 miles from me and she would not know or find out from anyone else only me. I have thought about this long and hard, I have thought about it objectively and still have no decision made. This is why I have asked for your advice. Is it fair for her to end up married to him? Is it fair that she cannot make the choice knowing all the facts of her relationship?

Looking at the big picture now, I honestly feel a number of emotions. I feel foolish for carrying on in this for so long. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I dont even know who I am any more. I feel truly sorry for the girl because no matter what, I am out of it now, and she is stuck there with him - the creep that he is.

Any further thoughts?

you say ye were at it for 3 yrs? Surly if so she must have some idea he has been cheating? Else he is a great liar and/or she is dumb.
You never know what she knows.
Can you imagine if you tell her? She will not take it lying down. She will want to talk to you about it and perhaps tear your limbs off? Walk away - not your problem.
You are not in a position to feel sorry for her - you were the one he cheated with.

Leah-G1

i agree she GF should know but not from the OP.
Can imagine how that would make her feel? Being told your BF is a cheater - by the person he has been cheating with - talk about rubbing her face in it.
OP just walk away....

I agree its not ideal but IMO its better than not knowing. Obviously it should be her boyfriend who tells her but I doubt after 3 years that hes suddenly going to feel remorseful and tell her the truth!

The only reason he was able to cheat on his girlfriend is because the OP was available and ready for sex, if the OP wasnt so available, the girlfriend would not have been cheated on for the past 3 years!

Of course some other women would of just taken the OP place, but if no body was willing to be a bit on the side, no body would be able to cheat, so IMO as much as he is at fault here, so is the OP, she let the cheating happen too, so yeah she is to blame for hurting the girlfriend also.

You cant blame the people he cheated with for his bad doings, HE is the relationship. He is the one who should have been faithful. As you pointed out yourself anybody could have been the "other person" which even cements the fact that this is HIS responsiblity not the OP's.

The OP needs to ask herself some honest questions :
Are you doing this to get back at him?
Or are you doing it for the right reasons ( to make good what you did wrong for the past 3 years to this girl and let her know the truth)?

Barracudaincork

Leah-G1 wrote: »

You cant blame the people he cheated with for his bad doings, HE is the relationship. He is the one who should have been faithful. As you pointed out yourself anybody could have been the "other person" which even cements the fact that this is HIS responsiblity not the OP's.

If people were not willing to be someones bit on the side there would be no chance for the boyfriend to have a bit on the side, so yeah i can blame her and anyone else who thinks its ok to be with someone who is already attached. It is the OP's responsibility to be a good person and not partake in someone having an affair. She is by no means innocent in this whatsoever!

Leah-G1

I dont think shes proud of whats happened...?

She was asking do we think the girl would want to know and I think she would. Im a girl, with a boyfriend, and I would certainly want to know. Regardless of the source.

Barracudaincork

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I dont think shes proud of whats happened...?

She was asking do we think the girl would want to know and I think she would. Im a girl, with a boyfriend, and I would certainly want to know. Regardless of the source.

Really you dont think she is proud of it? Three years is a long time to be not very proud of yourself dont you think? The OP was fine with it until they broke up and only now does pride and the feelings of his girlfriend come into it etc

I know what you are saying re wanting to know and if it was me then yes i too would want to know but if the person who my partner cheated on me with told me, I would treat them like i did Daddy Longlegs when i was a kid and tear them apart limb by limb!!!! (ok well of course i wouldnt get violent, no one is worth lowering myself to that, but you know what i mean)

Leah-G1

Of course! I would be very angry too...very very angry with both people but its sad this girl is out there thinking her boyfriend is great and hes basically a sh!thead. She deserves to know and now OP is in a position to tell her as shes cut ties with the boyfriend.

Really you dont think she is proud of it? Three years is a long time to be not very proud of yourself dont you think? The OP was fine with it until they broke up and only now does pride and the feelings of his girlfriend come into it etc

We really dont know the in's and out's of the OPs morals so its not for us to say really. I would give her the benefit of the doubt though as she sounds like shes been lied to and hurt aswell.

It really comes down to the OPs motive in all this.