Another work party nightmare

LegacyUser

Hi,
firstly, can't believe i've gotten myself into this but i have and could do with some help. Work in finance so have been to a few chrimbo parties. Was at one on Tuesday night and ended up scoring a guy - kisses only. I must state at this point that i'm married.

I have another night out tonight and was in the shop at lunchtime today buying some hosiery as my tights got laddered and was standing at the till waiting to pay. I had bought black holdup stockings and a female colleague was in the shop and came up to me and said "Hi", and then she looked at what I was buying and said "i wonder who'll be taking those off you tonight" I have a huge paranoia now that she may have seen me on tuesday night kissing somebody else and what if everybody knows? I thought I was discreet, but then I was pretty drunks so God only knows.

I should also say this is the first time i've done antyhing like that after 10 years married and love my husband and kids to bits. I'm just worried as he would know some of teh lads i work with through a football team and i'm absolutely bricking it now.....i feel sick to the stomach and don't know how I can face the evening.
please help!!!

St James

its a friday; there's a party; you bought what the other person believes are sexy stockings. maybe she was only making a comment to try to brighten things up, not realising what had happened.

best advice is for you to never mention it again, to anyone. If it is raised, simply feign ignorance saying - no way - did I? - must have been pissed!

learn however for the future. you have too much to lose.

Wagon

Why exactly did you cheat on your husband? The thing that stood out in your post was

dubbiegal wrote: »

I thought I was discreet

meaning that you at least tried to get away with it and probably wouldn't have this predicament if your collegue hadn't spotted you. That's the impression i get at least.

See if you can find out a reason as to why you cheated and what are the odds of it happening again if the oppurtunity arose. And then if you are 100% sure that you will never ever do it again and are certain it was just a stupid decision, keep it to yourself (only because there's kids involved, you have to consider them too). If on the other hand you can't find a good reason, tell your husband and then let him decide what he wants to do. IF he decides he wants to leave, those are the consequences and wel...tough shít im afraid.

LegacyUser

Ah wagon I think you're being a bit harsh on the woman here. She made a silly mistake and now regrets it. I'm sure you're not proud of everything you have done whilst under the influence.

+1 on what st James said.

Know your limits and dont let yourself get in this situation, if I know anything about Christmas parties this probably wasnt the most scandalous thing to happen on the night.

LegacyUser

You're reading too much into what was said in the shop.

You've got guilt swimming around your head and then someone says something innocuous (did I spell that right?) but in your state of mind it's a mountain not a molehill.


Move on, forget about it and try to remember at the next party when you might make a mistake.

There are hundreds of people around the country going through the same "oh dear.. what did I do?" conversations with themselves.

They'll move on and so will you. No harm done.

(but at least you know you've still got it ! <<< sorry couldn't resist !)

Riverpineapple

Wagon wrote: »

Why exactly did you cheat on your husband? The thing that stood out in your post was

meaning that you at least tried to get away with it and probably wouldn't have this predicament if your collegue hadn't spotted you. That's the impression i get at least.

See if you can find out a reason as to why you cheated and what are the odds of it happening again if the oppurtunity arose. And then if you are 100% sure that you will never ever do it again and are certain it was just a stupid decision, keep it to yourself (only because there's kids involved, you have to consider them too). If on the other hand you can't find a good reason, tell your husband and then let him decide what he wants to do. IF he decides he wants to leave, those are the consequences and wel...tough shít im afraid.

She cheated because it felt good, pretty much the same reason everyone cheats, it feels good, flirting feels good, flirting is only really flirting if there is an actual chance something could happen.

G-Money

I have a somewhat unusual view of flirting in that I don't think you should do it if you have a partner. Some people will say its "harmless" but let's get back to reality. Someone who flirts is intentionally and consciously trying to get someone else interested in them. Whether they intend to do anything about it or not, it doesn't matter. The fact is they're trying to get someone else interested in them and if you aren't single, I think that's wrong.

If someone wants to flirt, they should be single. If you have a partner and still feel the need to get attention from someone else, either there's something wrong with the relationship, or you're just not that committed to the person in the first place.

Wagon

harsh?! wrote: »

Ah wagon I think you're being a bit harsh on the woman here. She made a silly mistake and now regrets it. I'm sure you're not proud of everything you have done whilst under the influence.

Oh god no, but the stuff i regret was getting in trouble with the gardai and pissing on trinity college and doing other crap like that. I just think that when someone has a family, they need to act a bit more maturely that's all.

cafecolour

Wagon wrote: »

I just think that when someone has a family, they need to act a bit more maturely that's all.

That's sort of the danger with work parties TBH (and often a good portion of the attendees of stags and hens etc.). You get folks that are mostly settled and not drinking that regularly anymore into those situations and they get pissed beyond expectations and aren't as used to handling it anymore. I work in a bar that has stags every weekend, and it's rarely the young uns or the aul uns that are the pain - usually some late 20's to 40's married guy who gets ossified and then is very apologetic the next day.

OP - the stocking statement meant nothing - it's a quick attempt at humour. A drunken shift is not the end of the world. I second - forget about it, don't make it a habit.

estar

hi there although its not to be recommended if you are happy with your marriage and fell into this situation because you were drunk then put it behind you. the comment played on your guilt and was probably harmless. it was a mistake. it isnt worth troubling your marriage over. maybe look at your life and your limits around alcohol. if alcohol is causing you to engage in risky behaviour that effects a lot of people, then perhaps sticking to one or two drinks, arranging a time to be home at in advance that is reasonable etc is more practical. dont put your home and family at risk for a fw drinks. learn from it and dont let your husband down in public again. remember that you are an adult and a parent now, have responsibilities, and have to put them first. everyone makes mistakes.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

I have a somewhat unusual view of flirting in that I don't think you should do it if you have a partner. Some people will say its "harmless" but let's get back to reality. Someone who flirts is intentionally and consciously trying to get someone else interested in them. Whether they intend to do anything about it or not, it doesn't matter. The fact is they're trying to get someone else interested in them and if you aren't single, I think that's wrong.

If someone wants to flirt, they should be single. If you have a partner and still feel the need to get attention from someone else, either there's something wrong with the relationship, or you're just not that committed to the person in the first place.

I completely agree with you Grandmaster.
I simply cannot fathom the mindset of someone who `loves` someone enough to marry them took vows `forsaking all others` has children with them and does this behind their back!...the ultimate lie. I would suggest you tell your husband what you want from life..i.e. kiss who you want, shag who you want and put the poor man out of his misery.
I`m astonished that most of the replies think that this behaviour is ok...once nobody knows about it!!
It`s getting to the stage now where you can trust nobody....not even your wife/husband.
How can you sleep in the same bed as him knowing that you desire someone else? especially when he doesnt know?

estar

some people are just more practical than others nitehawk. the behaviour is not ok, neither is it heinous. flirting is tolerable as long as it is light hearted and general. it can be charming and a little escape, as long as it remains light and isnt followed through upon. what are you meant to do become asexual when you get married. that isnt realistic. the kiss was a mistake, and shouldnt have happened, but it isnt murder. she didnt go back to his house. she just made a fool of herself.

some people are so black and white on these issues. there is no black and white, and things cannot be so clearly defined, good people, bad people. we are all capable of such things under circumstances. each situation of this sort must be judged seperately. it doesnt mean she has a bad marriage. she made an error of judgement under the influence of alcohol in a moment, and although she is responsible for it, neither does she have to fall apart over it.

kenbrady

harsh wrote:

She made a silly mistake and now regrets it.

I don't read any regrets, only fear of getting caught.
She taught she was discrete, not what cheating on her husband means.

Have a Happy Christmas with your husband and kids Op, as it could be your last when your husband finds out.

LegacyUser

I agree with Ken Brady, there is no regret here at all... only fear of her getting caught.

Also I think that if she works with the girl that made the comment about who'll be taking off the stockings... then she probably know's the OP is married.. so it was definately a dig. And if she know's then there's a very good chance other colleagues at work know and they play football with the husband? Won't be long till the husband hears about. But for HIS, and their kids sake i hope they don't know.

Merry X-mas OP as Ken Brady said it could well be your last one with your husband if he finds out.

LegacyUser

If she's had one kiss after 10 years of marriage she's still doing fairly well.

Put it out off your mind OP, it never happens, nobody knows anything and even if they did they wouldn't say anything.

Don't do it again, and whatever you do, don't tell your husband.

LegacyUser

MARRIED! what a bitter comment to make about this being the last christmas she could have with her family.

Get a grip she drunkly kissed a co-worker, not worth losing her family over IMO. Unfortuatly alcohol and the christmas spirit took her over.

And wagon i think pissing on trinity college and getting in trouble with the gardai show a total level of immaturity.

Terodil

estar wrote: »

some people are just more practical than others nitehawk.

This is not about being practical or not. This is about doing what you deem right. Calling one way or the other 'idealistic' or 'practical' just disguises the fact that we're talking about necessarily subjective statements on morale.

the kiss was a mistake, and shouldnt have happened, but it isnt murder. she didnt go back to his house. she just made a fool of herself.

... and of her family. And I wouldn't be so sure about that statement 'it isn't murder'. In a figurative sense, it may be -- it kills (some) people's hearts if they find out. Some others may shrug it off, but that's the thing. If *you* personally, estar, find it's negligeable, that does not mean others do or should. Or that her husband will share that view.

some people are so black and white on these issues. there is no black and white, and things cannot be so clearly defined, good people, bad people.

Oh yes, some people know what is right and what is wrong. You are taking the easy way out with this moralistic relativism.

Re the comment 'haven't you done something bad in the past too': Cop on. Ofc we have all made mistakes, grievous mistakes, in the past and would like to undo them. But it's how we deal with them that makes the difference.

I agree with a preposter that the OP does not seem to feel any remorse at all. She is just scared of being found out. The total dishonesty, that desperate hope that everything will remain under the covers, weighs more heavily in my book than the kiss itself (which was deliberated and not just a semi-unconscious action -- 'I thought we'd been discreet').

OP: My advice in this situation would be to prevent your husband from learning about this from a third party, which would be even more hurtful than your actions so far. The only way to do this is to come clear with him. You should obviously have a good explanation/apology on hand. But there'll at least be a chance that way, given your kids and all. I don't think you'll have that chance if he learns about it from his buddies.

TheCandystripes

wow thats pretty sick. cant believe u would do that like a week before xmas. u should tell your husband. maby u want somebody else.

kenbrady

harsh?! wrote: »

MARRIED! what a bitter comment to make about this being the last christmas she could have with her family.

it's in no way bitter, it's a very real fact

LegacyUser

Thank God for all the replies disagreeing with what the OP did.
My faith in humanity has been somewhat restored.
It`s just the utter betrayal of the husband that really bothered me.As one poster said someone else knows what happened and I`m sure given time it will get back to him.
It would ABSOLUTELY KILL me to know my wife did this with someone else and maybe have them snigger behind my back knowing what they did with MY WIFE!
And to Scarlettlady....no one kiss in 10 years is not allowed...at least not while being married.
Maybe a shag is ok after 20 then?...stupid immature comment.
Get a divorce and do what you want would be the only fair solution.

G-Money

I have to be honest, while what the OP did I think was wrong and inexcusable, I don't think she deserves to lose her family and marriage because of it. In my mind, she cheated and there's no two ways about it. And like I've said on other posts. If you really want to know what to do in a situation like this, imagine the situation reversed and your partner doing the same thing to you. Most normal people will take the correct route, although some will try to convince themselves that they'd get over it and that's really just them try to excuse their own behaviour or make it seem more acceptable.

I agree with other posters in that she seems to be more hung up on being found out and doesn't seem to be that remorseful. The annoying thing is that I'm sure if her husband had done the same thing, he'd be raked over the hot coals for years because of it.

I don't know if you should tell him OP. Especially now coming up to Christmas. I'd like to think you genuinely regret cheating on him as opposed to just regretting that you got caught.

LegacyUser

harsh?! wrote: »

MARRIED! what a bitter comment to make about this being the last christmas she could have with her family.

Get a grip she drunkly kissed a co-worker, not worth losing her family over IMO. Unfortuatly alcohol and the christmas spirit took her over.

And wagon i think pissing on trinity college and getting in trouble with the gardai show a total level of immaturity.

In no way was it a "bitter" comment! this is a fact.. the husband might be told about it on a football night out with the lads? - u can bet they will add to it, making it worse. - imagine how the husband will feel then?

"harsh?!" it is probably ok in your world to say "that's bold, don't do it again" and forget all about it so long as u don't get caught - but as all office party's go.. they thrive on the gossip of who did what with whom etc... it's only a matter of time till it's out in the open.

St James

ah feck - come on brothers and sisters. how many of us have regretted doing something when drunk. this was a kiss, thats all. There was nothing malicious or adulterous intended. We live in a Christian country where thankfully, stoning is no longer condoned.

the girl is distraught. She regrets doing what she did. She is concerned that someone else knows and might 'spill the beans' to more.

Give her a chance.

iguana

grandmaster wrote: »

I have to be honest, while what the OP did I think was wrong and inexcusable, I don't think she deserves to lose her family and marriage because of it.

It's not up to you though, is it? What you'd forgive your wife for and what the OP's husband will forgive may be completely different.

OP, I think it is very likely your husband will find out. You kissed someone at a work party and some of your workmates know your husband. I can't see this remaining a secret. You have two real choices now. Wait for this to get back to him or tell him yourself. If you decide to tell him, remember it's a few days to Xmas and you have young children, if he won't see your colleagues til after Xmas then allow your family to have a nice holiday. Use the time to work out exactly why you kissed someone else so when you tell him you are able to answer him properly when he asks why.

I suspect if my husband kissed someone else I would try to forgive him, especially if we had children. I think most people would try to forgive a kiss so your marriage isn't necessarily over. But I do think you have a lot of work ahead of you to fix the problems that lead to this and have been caused by this and that starts with being honest with him. I'm sure he will be even more hurt if he hears it from your colleagues which might make the whole thing harder to get past.

Stu77

I'm of the opinion that when someone cheats on their partner, even just a kiss, its because something in the relationship isn't right. It might be that the relationship has just become stale and monotonous or on a subconcious level the OP doesn't love her husband the way she did when they got married although she might be trying to convince herself that every is ok but knows deep down that on some level, the relationship is not working.

I've lost count of the amount of times friends have told me about things that they were unhappy about in their relationship while under the influence of alcohol, stuff they would never have told me sober and stuff that they haven't told their partner either.

Maybe the real problem for the OP is the lack of communication in her relationship with her husband because when you cheat, its because you are unhappy on some level in my opinion and some people rather than openly discussing any problems with their partner and trying to work together to sort things out, hide their frustrations but then end up cheating.

Its not black and white either. Cheating is abhorrent behaviour but after 10 years a relationship can lose its spark and people can start looking outside the home for a bit of excitement. We don't know whats really going on in the OPs head or the general state of her relationship but she does need to get a grip and figure out why she cheated and be honest with herself.

I don't think 10 years can be thrown away on a drunken kiss but if the OP isn't prepared to work at her relationship and deal with any issues head on then the chances are that she will cheat again all the while leaving her husband open to the embarrasement and humiliation of finding out through somebody else. Nobody needs that **** in their lives OP.

Wagon

harsh?! wrote: »

MARRIED! what a bitter comment to make about this being the last christmas she could have with her family.

He could be right.

Get a grip she drunkly kissed a co-worker, not worth losing her family over IMO. Unfortuatly alcohol and the christmas spirit took her over.

You're opinion on the severity doesn't matter, it's the opinion of her husband that matters.

And wagon i think pissing on trinity college and getting in trouble with the gardai show a total level of immaturity.

And I think someone who passes off cheating and blaming it on alcohol and christmas spirit isn't really someone who's opinions i take seriously.

yogalady

Wasn't going to reply to this thread but reading some of the responses really annoyed me. This is suppose to be a place where people can come on and talk about the problema annoyomously and ask for help. SHE DID SOMETHING STUPID. SHE MADE A MISTAKE. SHE KNOWS THIS.

People get a grip. Stop being so judgemental. A lot of very narrow minded judgemental immature people about. We all make mistakes at some stage and we try and learn from them. Why bother make a comment if you can't be positive or helpful. I just don't get it

Zaph

msmuffins wrote: »

Wasn't going to reply to this thread but reading some of the responses really annoyed me. This is suppose to be a place where people can come on and talk about the problema annoyomously and ask for help. SHE DID SOMETHING STUPID. SHE MADE A MISTAKE. SHE KNOWS THIS.

People get a grip. Stop being so judgemental. A lot of very narrow minded judgemental immature people about. We all make mistakes at some stage and we try and learn from them. Why bother make a comment if you can't be positive or helpful. I just don't get it

msmuffins, if you have a problem with a particular post please report it rather than commenting on-thread.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

OP,
These things do happen, especially under the influence. Please do not allow the previous 'holier than thou' posters to pile on yet more guilt.. I do not doubt your love for your husband and kids and completely disagree that a drunken kiss suggests a far darker relationship issue. Alcohol is not quite the truth potion so commonly thought as I have experienced on many an occasion.
Please try put this out of your head now for Christmas and enjoy the time with your family.

LegacyUser

I dont agree with the "It was just a kiss" because OP has no regrets in kissing this other guy

So no, its not just a kiss, its a kiss with intent
she should cop herself on, stupid cheap thrills putting her family at risk

Drink is no excuse either - if she cant handle drink then she shouldnt drink

OP you've done a great disservice to your family and your husband

Dan Chipowski

In my opinion, your husband has a right to know the truth of what happened. He may get it from you, or he may get it via a third party, which would be humiliating for him.

The OP's original post is very revealing. You are bricking it in case he finds out.........you are in no way horrified or worried at your own actions? If you were upset at making a drunken mistake at a christmas party, would you be going to another one a few days later? I don't think so.