Wife's Low Sex Drive

PaddyInChelsea

Hi all. My first post here though I post regularly in other forums. My wife has always had a low sex drive. Mine has always been much healthier. A number of years ago she was diagnosed as suffering from depression, which she thinks she'd had since before she met me. She takes medication and it works well. However, she says that it has further dulled her sexual appetite (and ability to orgasm) and consequently we have sex once, maybe twice (max) per month.

At times this doesn't bother me too much but at other times it really gets to me and puts me in a bad mood etc., especially when I realise that life is slipping by. Sometimes when we're having sex, she gives me the strong impression that she just wants me to come without her doing so and that's the end of it. Not always though-sex is great sometimes and she orgasms when I go down on her.

A few nights ago we were having sex and we started to argue-it was one of those "Let's get this over with" nights for her-and I ended up stopping. We then had one of our fairly regular discussions/arguements about sex. She finds penetration painful, especially from behind and she doesn't really like giving me oral. Just to please me, she does go down on me sometimes but coming in her mouth (which she knows is my biggest fantasies) is totally out of the question. She says she feels guilty about the situation, generally, but things still don't change. She even said that maybe I should look somewhere else for sex. I don't think she means that. We're both non-practicing Catholics and have a large network of friends. I'm not sure she would be too happy if I did have an affair or casual sex.

Last evening I drew up the previous night again. I suggested we go for sex therapy. She was fairly agreeable but felt that it mightn't be of much use to me as my sex drive is fine. She had counselling earlier in the year for an unrelated family issue and she though that this might be a better road to go. She said that it's she who needs fixing and that it might throw something up that would explain why she is the way she is. She assured me that she was never abused etc. We continued to talk and eventually it turned into a full blown argument. She again drew up about me going to someone else for sex. She also said that if I wanted to leave she'd understand and that since the kids are getting older it wouldn't be as big a problem as it might have been a few years ago. I told her that I had, in the last few years, thought about having sex with someone else, but if it came to it, I'm not sure I'd go ahead with it. I've never cheated on her.


I don't have a question. I just don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I'm confused, sexually frustrated, not getting any younger or more attractive and I think I'm going to wake up some morning and look back, when it's too late, and regret not having had more sex during my life. I'd really appreciate some comment or advice from anyone who's going through or who's been through something like this. I have a lot of friends but there isn't anyone I want to share this with, at the moment.

LegacyUser

OP, reading between the lines here. I don't think your wife is attracted to you any more.

Her indifferent behaviour shows this. Also the fact that she keeps mentioning about you going off being with someone else, she is pushing you that way....

She also said that if I wanted to leave she'd understand and that since the kids are getting older it wouldn't be as big a problem as it might have been a few years ago

Hmm, this shows that SHE herself has been waiting until the kids get older to dissolve the marriage. It wouldn't be a normal thing for a person in a happy marriage to say.

It can take a while for the penny to drop when someone has rejected you and you are living in the same house. Like your wife is doing they give you mixed messages so you never quite get the true picture.

I think at this stage the two of you should have a 'cards on the table' talk. She has stated that she no longer expects fidelity. I think you should formalise that and make rules until such time as a proper formal break up is organised. IE No third parties in the home etc.

Best of luck

seamus

I have to disagree with the above poster on some points. Her attitude is classic depressive - she's not good enough for you, she'd understand if you wanted someone else, it's her who needs to be fixed, etc etc etc.

Living with someone who is struggling with depression or other mental health issues is tough. And your wife really sounds like she is struggling. The other party cannot always be looking out for the one with the issues - you have to look out for your own well-being too.

Attending joint counselling sessions, despite what your wife claims, would be a good route. She doesn't have to get down and dirty about her issues, the purpose is to open a dialogue between the two of you - so you see where she's coming from, she see where you are coming from and between the two of you, you agree on some goals and expectations within the relationship.
She also needs to see that you're not just a bit player - you're not standing on the sidelines waiting for her to be "fixed", instead that you are there for her to help her and to be a support and that she doesn't have to go through her problems alone. This can be a symptom of her having been depressed before you met - she sees this as being exclusively her illness and she doesn't feel like she can or should burden you with it.

I do agree that it's time for a 'cards on the table' talk. She thinks that it's about sex. It's probably not just about sex. You need to spell out to her that marriage and fidelity go hand in hand, and if she doesn't expect fidelity from you, then she's effectively looking to end the marriage. But you don't want that, and she needs to know that.

daisybelle2008

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

She again drew up about me going to someone else for sex. She also said that if I wanted to leave she'd understand and that since the kids are getting older it wouldn't be as big a problem as it might have been a few years ago. I told her that I had, in the last few years, thought about having sex with someone else, but if it came to it, I'm not sure I'd go ahead with it. I've never cheated on her.

I agree with the first reply, I think she would prefer to end the marriage as she might realise there is no 'fix'. You can't counsel someone into a higher libido.
The anti-d's will affect her drive but without them doesn't sound like an option.

LegacyUser

I'm afraid I'd have to agree with the first response too, and offer my sympathy to you. You are in a situation where someone you love has rejected you but as the poster says the penny just hasn't dropped with you yet. You're not alone, I've gone through a similar situation, in fact I could have written your post, sex with my wife ended several years ago.
In a situation like this it's not a crime if you sleep with someone else but I'd advise you to be upfront with the other person about your personal circumstances, biut you should address your wife's messages, the simple question is does she love you and does she want a physical relationship with you.

PaddyInChelsea

tooottforme wrote: »

I'm afraid I'd have to agree with the first response too, and offer my sympathy to you. You are in a situation where someone you love has rejected you but as the poster says the penny just hasn't dropped with you yet. You're not alone, I've gone through a similar situation, in fact I could have written your post, sex with my wife ended several years ago.
In a situation like this it's not a crime if you sleep with someone else but I'd advise you to be upfront with the other person about your personal circumstances, biut you should address your wife's messages, the simple question is does she love you and does she want a physical relationship with you.

Thanks for the replies, guys. It probably wouldn't have been of much benefit to me if I only heard what I wanted to hear.

Support, what you said hadn't really struck me as a possibility, as such. Good post also, Seamus. And Daisybelle, I suppose that deep down I knew that someone can't be counselled into a higher libido.

Tooottforme, I was hoping someone who'd been through a similar situation would reply.
Not pleasant reading but thanks.

I honestly don't think that she'd be happy for me to have sex with somebody else, if push came to shove. It's a line she gave me before, although it did seem to have more conviction about it this time round. I think I was really surprised and amazed this time because we both have good jobs, a nice lifestyle and appear to have an ideal marriage. And it is pretty good, with the exception of our sex life. I couldn't imagine her being happy if we split or I got involved with someone else. But as ye said, maybe she's trying to push me away and this is her way of doing it. Hopefully others will offer an opinion also.

What I didn't say in the original post is that she's more than happy to give me a handjob at any time and she's top class at doing it. But I think she often does it as a cop out and rarely looks for any reciprocation from me. I want sex to be a two way thing. I almost get as much pleasure from giving her pleasure as I do from taking it. And she finds that hard to believe as she says that all men are primeval and just want an orgasm. She has great orgasms when we do have sex but what confuses me is that she's happy not to look for more as the week goes by. However, she does use a vibrator now and again when she's alone. I sometimes find it under her pillow when I'm making the bed, etc. I bought it for her a few years ago in the hope of improving things in the bedroom.

Anyway, I'm as all over the place as I was when I put up the original post. And if it came to it, I'm not sure if I'd have the guts to go ahead and have sex with someone else. I'd certainly be interested in hearing anything else that anybody has to say or advise. I'm not in a state of desperation yet but I can feel it building..........

LegacyUser

Yeah youre suffering Dude. It sounds to me like youve been through a lot and it aint gonna get better. And whats with the vibrator? Sounds like she wants sex but not with you.

cafecolour

Have you tried using the vibrator on her/with her?

Do you give her attention (cuddling, etc.) without pushing for sex? How does she respond?

Talking to her GP about changing her medication, and a sex therapist are all good options.

If all the above is refused, it maybe that she does want out.

As to the sex on the side - if she really doesn't want sex, but likes the company and the stability of the marriage, it might be a good option for her. She'll be stuck in the same situation with any other guy. Though that, in my opinion, is an inferior option to simply separating and find more compatible partners.

Kooli

I think it's such a tough one when one person wants sex more than the other.

If it's a fact that she just does not have a high libido, and she is fine with that, then she has two options
1) Go along with sex for your sake even when she doesn't want to (which you aren't happy with)
2) Don't have sex very often (which you aren't happy with)

You seem to want there to be a third option, which is for her somehow to want to have sex as often as you do and to be into it and enjoy it and have an orgasm. But that third option might not be there?

So it must be so frustrating for both of you. For you because obviously you want a more fulfilling sex life. For her because she doesn't feel she can give you more, but she feels under constant pressure to do so.

It seems a case of your expectations changing, or agreeing that you're too incompatible and going your separate ways.

extrinzic

I don’t know if this helps, but if she is taking medication for depression this may well kill her libido. She has already indicated this could be a contributing factor. Also, oral contraception has reportedly subdued the female libido. Perhaps she should talk with a doctor about the issue. I wouldn't be resigned to the view the marriage is over just yet. You need to show her you are prepared to fight for the relationship, and you expect her to do likewise. I don’t know if you can save it, but at least if you do everything you can, you will have less scope to blame yourself. Good luck.

PaddyInChelsea

Thanks Imagination, Cafecolour, Kooli and Extrinzic, for your supportful and non-lecturing replies and opinions.

Imagination, at times I've regretted buying the vibrator. (My insecurity breaking out, no doubt). For example, 3 months ago, my wife was feeling particularly down and told me that she had no sexual desire whatsoever and the following day, I discovered that she had used it shortly after our conversation. That sent the message that you spoke about. I found that particularly hard to deal with but I felt that drawing it up wouldn't serve any purpose.

Cafecolour, yes we have used the vibrator together. Often she'll bring herself to orgasm while I hold her or fondle her. Last year, for her birthday, I bought her a rabbit vibrator. She used it and told me that it was totally different to using the ordinary one. But she won't use it with me or on herself when I'm with her. No way, at all! That brings the old insecurities to the surface also........ I suspect she has incredible orgasms with it and wouldn't want me to witness them for some reason.

Kooli, you're dead right. I want the 3rd option. I want more sex and I want her to want and enjoy more sex too. It is frustrating for both of us, as you said, but I just feel that time is running out on us and on me in that department. I have a few sexual fantasies (nothing pervy-just various positions etc.) that I want to fulfill before I die.

Extrinzic, thanks for the post about the affects of anti depression medication on libido. Yesterday evening, when I got home from work, my wife was making dinner. She asked if we could talk and she told me that she'd had an epiphany earlier in the day. A woman, who works part time with her, told her yesterday that her husband had walked on out her and their 2 children. My wife said she didn't want that to happen to us and therefore, she was going to come off her medication in the hope that it would improve things. My reaction was that I didn't want her to do so because I felt that it would put her back emotionally to where she was years ago before the medication (not a nice place for her or the family) and because it wouldn't change things sexually very much either. I explained here earlier that she had a very low libido ever before she started on the medication and I said to her that I didn't think if she even gets to that place, that things would change much. She insisted that it was worth a shot and she was going to go ahead with her plan.

I explained that there was no way for me to know if she genuinely would want to have sex or if she was faking desire in order to keep me happy. During our recent arguement she had said that I wasn't grateful for her allowing me to penetrate her in certain ways that always hurt her and she added that she hates giving me oral but does it sometimes, just to keep me happy. When I drew this up yesterday evening, she said that she hadn't meant it and had just said it in the heat of the moment. I know she meant it and I know that whatever happens sexually in the future, I'll be convinced that I'm hurting her.

I told her that I didn't want any more false dawns. We usually have great make-up sex after such arguments but things quickly return to normal and we're back to square one. And I just don't want any more of that.

I suppose I'm looking for some kind of guarantee that I know I can't get. I know deep down that I will never have what I want and need, sexually, out of my marriage. I do love my wife, but that realisation is scaring me.

LegacyUser

Hello OP

You are not alone in this welcome to my world. I am starting to just wonder if all women go through this phase.

I won't advise having sex with another woman but if you want to just make sure the other woman knows your situation as another poster said. If you two traded places how do you know she wouldn't.

Couple of questions.

When last did you say you love her?
When last did you send her flowers?
When last did you send her a random message saying you want her?
Have you tried different area regarding sex? and positions?
Have you tried suprise sex?
Do you do much together eg cinema? dinner?
Can you trust her?
Do you ever check her phone?
Does she want to go on a break?

PaddyInChelsea

Thanks RP. Nice post. Here goes, with total honesty.........

When last did you say you love her?
One night last week before I turned the light off.

When last did you send her flowers?
Can't remember. Don't think I ever did but I buy her flowers sometimes when I'm out shopping. Last time about 4 months ago, I think.

When last did you send her a random message saying you want her?
About 2 weeks ago. We were both getting off work early and I texted her to suggest a bit of afternoon delight. It was a bit rushed but great.

Have you tried different area regarding sex?
No. She's quite conservative in this department. Bedroom 99 times out of 100.

And positions?
She finds most positions painful when it comes to penetration. If it's to be a success, it usually has to be missionary with me lying pretty much on top, i.e., not raising any part of my body. Here's one of the big problems. I like doggystyle and especially from behind, with her lying on her side. She finds from behind to be painful and finds doggystyle degrading. And painful also.

Have you tried suprise sex?
Not sure what exactly you mean. In bed? At night? She's usually too tired and I'm late to bed anyway, generally.
In the morning before work? No. I'm first up, get the kids up, etc. (totally by choice and habit) and she gets up about 30 minutes later.
In the kitchen when there's no one around etc? Wouldn't be a runner, really.

Do you do much together eg cinema?
Cinema around 4/5 times per year. Shopping trips etc. maybe once every 2 months.

Dinner?
With friends to functions etc., 8-10 times per year. On our own, maybe 3-4 times per year.

Can you trust her?
I wonder do you mean, "Do you trust her?" Please read the next bit.

Do you ever check her phone?
A number of years ago she got a random text from a guy who texted her number. I was there when she received it. It was quite suggestive. She was going to reply and I cautioned her that it sounded like it was from a guy casting his line, hoping for a bite. She did reply, saying that it was a naughty text to be sending to an older, married woman. The suspicious guy in me made me write his number down later. Over the next few days, he started to text her. She didn't delete some of them as she probably thought that I wouldn't check her phone. I didn't tell her that I knew and I noticed a huge change in her attitude towards me during that time. She became very impatient with me and seemed to have very little regard for me. And she had no interest in me. One Friday evening, she received a text from him, telling her to text him if she wanted him to send her funny texts etc. over the weekend. She was upstairs and I read it. I shouted up to her that some guy wanted to know if she wanted him to text her over the weekend. She tried to pass it off and I told her that I knew all along that she'd been texting him etc. All hell broke loose over the next week or so and it was definitely the lowest point we ever reached in our marriage. She almost denied it at first but, bit by bit, the whole story came out. He texted her a lot of jokes and naughty stuff etc. She'd never had any interest in such texts before then, but, during that period, she got me to text a lot of the ones I was getting, to her. She said that one of the girls working with her wanted them to send on to her friend. I got involved then to put an end to it. I'm not overly proud of the way I behaved but I was blinded with rage and moral righteousness, at the time.
I've spent hundreds of hours (and I mean hundreds of hours) online since, reading about such emotional affairs and everything I read made my wife's one look classic. The way it happened, the initial denial, the underlying reasons, etc. She told me that he'd made her feel a bit special. That he was interested in her just for her. That I had been ignoring her needs, mainly emotional (totally true, I have to admit). She told me that she never disclosed her full name to him, that there was no contact and that she ended it and I've have no reason to believe that there's been any contact since. But part of me thinks that she has learned how to do it right now and that she has another phone at work which she uses to text him. I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe this except for suspicion based on a breach of trust. She insists she hasn't contacted him since.
Now here's the really weird bit........ A huge part of me feels very guilty for robbing her of what she had with him. A part of me would like to think that she is still in contact with him and that she'll get from it what she wanted to get from him. I've explained this to her but she gets quite upset and embarrassed when I draw the subject up and doesn't want to talk about it. When she calms down, she says she knows where I'm coming from but she adds that I made much more of it than there actually was to it. And, to continue in the weird vein, I have no doubt that if I did find out that there was ongoing contact, part of me would be very unhappy about it.

I never check her phone now. If a text come in, I won't open it, even if she's not around. She tells me I should, but I won't.

Does she want to go on a break?
Yes. She a great one for planning and organising weekends or trips away. She has one domestic and one international one planned for the two of us over the next six months.

I've given you full answers to the questions you took the time to ask. But I hope I haven't painted her in an unfair light. When sex is good, it's incredible. She's an outstanding and caring mother to our children and is a wonderful wife in every other area. She's the one who organises everything. If we're heading off on holidays, she's the one who has everything organised and packed for weeks and I'm the one packing my bag 5 minutes before we're due to leave. And she does most of the housework also. She's a total romantic. I'm not, unfortunately. I don't hug or cuddle her as much as I should, partly because that's all she wants, most of the time, and I want more, most of the time. I often feel that she'd have done better and would have been happier and more emotionally fulfilled if she'd married someone else. When I told her this, she didn't take it well and added that she never doubted that I was the only one for her.

LegacyUser

Hi,

All those sounds normal apart from the whole texting the guy thing. Same happened in my relationship the first time she wasn't intereted with the lad and he won't stop texting her. I called him and tell him to stop and he never texted back. The second guy which is just recent I told her that maybe we should go on a break. If she wants to try the guy but she said she was confused that she was just sad and depressed. She is so much under pressures and feels like a bad partner also that I dont make here feel special and do the nice things we used to do before the kid.

I am just telling you where am coming from with all those questions. My partner is feels sore aswell even till this day. The cure for us is a long 4 play, and play and sex with her facing down, your hand on the C*** and you behind/on top very slow. I really don't want to be graphical.

Try not to put her under pressure with sex, and reasure her you won't cheat even if you do. Just make sure it never comes out. She seem like a normal woman who seem to be confused, stressed and feels unattractive.

I am not a perfect man only speaking from experience, Women need to feel safe and thats our rule.

You are not alone.

PaddyInChelsea

Hi RegularPoster. I wonder when you asked if she wants to go on a break, did you actually mean, did she want to take a break from our marriage?

Did your partner know the two guys who were texting her?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Yes I ment take abreak from the marriage, this is a bit trick because it has to come from both side. regarding my partner knowing the 2 fellas yes but not so much I guess. How are thing getting along so far? Any progress?

PaddyInChelsea

Thanks. No, she doesn't want to take a break. I know that she wants our marriage to work. She hasn't taken medication for a few days now and so far she seems to be fine. She hoping that this will increase her libido. Sexually, there hasn't been any change since. I haven't made any approaches because, as I posted earlier, I'm afraid of another false dawn.

The Sweeper

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

I honestly don't think that she'd be happy for me to have sex with somebody else, if push came to shove. It's a line she gave me before, although it did seem to have more conviction about it this time round. I think I was really surprised and amazed this time because we both have good jobs, a nice lifestyle and appear to have an ideal marriage. And it is pretty good, with the exception of our sex life. I couldn't imagine her being happy if we split or I got involved with someone else.

Your wife is most probably no longer sexually attracted to you. She still loves you, but life has become 'easy' - she has partnership, friendship, security, moral support - everything in her life is great except the bedroom. Subsequently she suggests that you go sleep with someone else - when she probably doesn't even really understand what that would mean herself. That's her telling you she isn't interested in having sex with you, but she does still love her life with you, so she's vaguely hoping you'll go get your urges sorted out somewhere else, without it compromising her life.

If she owns and uses a vibrator and will have an emotional affair with someone else, that means there is still a sex drive in there - you just don't push the buttons any more.

I have no idea what you should do. The choices are very blunt - stay in a sexless marriage because you are highly compatible in other ways, and that compatability makes for a very pleasant life? Tear your life asunder because you're hoping you'll find someone who is willing and able to have more sex with you, but with whom you may not find the security and compatability you had with your wife? Redesign your life in such a way that you get to have purely physical sex with someone every so often and you never tell your wife about it?

I know people joke about it, but this is the sort of reasoning behind the French and Italians taking mistresses and their wives turning a complicit blind eye while still holding the reins on how their own life runs. This is why relationships are not black and white and there is a great big area of grey in the middle.

PaddyInChelsea

Thanks, Sweeper. A sobering and thought provoking post but very much appreciated.

There's a lot in what you say about the contented place she's in in her marriage. And I could say the same of myself most of the time-except for sex bit. And added to all this is that I have great freedom to go to matches, to the pub or anywhere else I want to go with friends, or whatever, whenever I want. And so does she.

She doesn't over use the vibrator, I think. And I still blame myself in ways for the whole texting the other guy thing. And who's to say that I wouldn't have done the same if it was me in her situation?

I know what the choices are but I'm a bit of a coward at heart. I don't know if I'd liase with someone else if it came to it. I suppose a lot would depend how I was feeling at the time. Today I'm calm and thinking of other things so it's not an issue. But, like I said, I don't always feel that way.

LegacyUser

I'm the girl in your relationship. I'm so like her. I swear I have absolutely no sex drive, I barely even think about it most of the time. Its nothing to do with my boyfriend, I love him to bits and he is really attractive. I know why I'm like that, I was touched inappropriately when I was a kid so I've issues with that stuff. And I'm also on medication which has the side effect of lowering a person's sex drive. With me, I hate being forced or my boyfriend constantly wanting sex or anything related to it from me. If I'm going to do it, I want it to be on my terms. And the more I said no, the more I got a negative association with sex, I said no by habit rather than having a particular reason. So I would suggest backing off slightly. I know its hard as she may not do anything, but I did so she might. Hell, I even jumped him in the middle of an empty lab in college, something I would never have done before and would never have done if he suggested it.

Also, the thing that really got me worked up again was buying a sex book and reading it together. For us, we are young and we lost our virginity to each other so it taught us a lot and we had loads of things to try out. But I'm sure there are plenty of things in those sort of books that married couples could do.

The pain thing is something I have too. I talked to my doctor about it before, I can't remember all the details but I remember her saying it can be a psychological thing. That I get scared or tense or something which causes muscles to contract at penetration. I'm hoping that if I do it often enough, it will go away as I get more used to it and less scared. With me, it goes away pretty quickly, does that happen to her, or is it constantly painful? The other thing the doctor said was maybe there isn't enough foreplay but I know for certain that that isn't my problem but it could be hers.

Our issues aren't completely sorted and that will take time but we are definitely getting there. Our main issue at the moment is the fact that I live in a house with 6 other people and its impossible to get time to ourselves so there is always way to much pressure when we do. I hope everything gets sorted for you. I just wanted to say that it may not just be that she's not attracted to you anymore but that she just has a few issues right now. Plus, I really want you to stick it through and try not to do anything with anyone else, even if she suggests it, it will only make things worse.

Sorry for the long post, just had a lot to say.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Reading your story is like reading about my own life. My marriage sounds exactly the same as yours - from the outside, everything appears to be perfect, people always comment on how amazing we are together. And in most ways, they are right. Except for the sex! I have a very high sex drive. My wife, for the most part, could take it or leave it. She has been like this as long as I've known her, she has a lot of issues due to childhood sexual abuse, but I decided to stay in the relationship (and eventually marry her) because I love her, and because I hoped that with enough time etc. we could learn to have a fulfilling sex life (she wants this too btw, it frustrates her as much as me because I think underneath it all she actually has quite a high libido). It is not the lack of sex per se that is the main issue for me - it is that when we do have sex, I am not able to touch her freely, I always need to be very careful about how/where I can kiss/touch her as she cannot "let her guard down" due to her past. We have been together twelve years, and she trusts me completely, but there is still something inside her that stops her from letting herself enjoy me in spite of her wanting to! We are working on things every day, we talk about it all the time, and slowly but surely things are getting better.

The key for us to having more sex (both in terms of frequency and quality), is that it must always be completely on her terms. While that might not sound like an ideal situation, it is working for us. We only have sex when she really wants to, and never just to please me. I have told her many many times that I would rather have good sex infrequently (for me, it is only good when she is enjoying herself) than to be having sex every day and for her not to be enjoying it. I never make the first move, I never even mention sex unless she brings it up first. If she is feeling horny, she will let me know, and we take it from there. When she doesn't feel under pressure to "perform", she is much more inclined to want sex. And, I know that she is never faking her desire to keep me happy (which was a problem before).

With regards to the emotional element of sexual fulfillment, I couldn't be happier in my current situation. And that, to me, is the most important bit anyway. For purely physical satisfaction, I simply masturbate whenever I feel the need!

If you love your wife and you both want this to work, you need to talk about it every day. And you need to be aware that, whatever the reason, she just doesn't want sex as often as you. You shouldn't feel unwanted or unloved or whatever because of that. And you definitely shouldn't make her feel guilty about it! The important decision for you to make is whether you can be happy with infrequent, good sex, or if you simply want sex more often. For me, all the other components of our marriage are so good that it is worth staying and working at this for the rest of my life. Having good, emotionally fulfilling sex (even if it is nowhere near as often as I would like) is way more important to me than "getting it" every night. I never used to be able to understand why she didn't want sex all the time like I do, and I felt like I was doing something wrong, because in my eyes I wasn't turning her on. My epiphany came when I realised that everyone has a different sex drive, and it wasn't my fault (or hers) that hers was lower than mine.

In short, talk about it every day and you will find a solution that works for both of you. It is not easy, and probably neither of you will ever be 100% satisfied. But, like everything else in marriage, the only solution is to find a compromise!

bragan

I know this is going to go against what everyone else here thinks, but I have to say, that from reading this post, I think the OP is very selfish. Its all about how this affects you, what you want, that you aren’t happy with your sex life, that you aren’t fulfilled. There are two people in a relationship.

What about the fact that she has sex with you, even though it hurts her. Would you continue to do something that hurts you? What about the fact that she is happy to do a multitude of things to please you?

You can’t understand what its like to have a low sex drive, because you don’t have one! You can’t understand what its like to continue with sex to please someone, even though its painful. I think you need to be more understanding to her needs. I am like your wife, and I know what its like to carry the guilt and pressure of been the one with a low sex drive in the relationship. I’m sure she would give anything to have a higher sex drive, because I know I would. But the fact is that she doesn’t, and there is nothing that can be done about that. People with a low sex drive could easily go without sex for the rest of their lives and it wouldn’t bother them, because truthfully – sex is more hassle than its worth! The pleasure of sex is short-lived. Five minutes after its over, you go back to normal. For someone with a low sex drive, you don’t feel the need or want to have sex. You can enjoy it while it lasts, but there is nothing an hour later that’s makes you think – I want to do that again.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

1. The most important of them all – lubricant. Sex is painful because she isn’t turned on. Lubricant will remove the pain. Once you use it once or twice, she won’t be expecting pain so she won’t automatically tense up. That will then lead to her enjoying sex more!
2. Don’t pressure her into sex, and bring it up all the time. As a previous poster mentioned, the more its brought up, the more pressure you feel under, and the less you want to have sex. You end up having sex for the sake of it, which isn’t enjoyable, and leads to an even stronger dislike of sex, which results in wanting sex even less.
3. Cuddle her without wanting sex. Otherwise, she will associate everything time you touch her with sex, and as above, will lead to further distance.
4. Spice things up a bit. Try different positions, places, clothes etc.
5. Positions – you said that all positions hurt her apart from missionary. You have to be directly on top of her with no part raised. I’m the same. My advice – for a while stick to this position. Don’t even attempt another position. Let her get comfortable with sex again, and not feel under pressure. Let her enjoy having sex without having to worry about positions and pain. Then, when she is more comfortable with things, and feels more confident about things she will probably be open to more positions.
6. Do whatever she wants for a while. Whatever positions she is comfortable with, whatever turns her on etc. I know you have needs too, but in order for you to get to a place as a couple where those needs are met, you are going to have to let her get comfortable with sex again, and enjoy it.

Try the above – it has worked for me. I’m not going to lie to you, it hasn’t changed my sex drive. I don’t want sex more often. But when we have sex, we enjoy it, so I associate good things with sex. It means that when I’m kind of in the mood, I’m more likely to initiate things. Rather than thinking, I’m a bit turned on, but what’s the point.

LegacyUser

bragan wrote: »

I know this is going to go against what everyone else here thinks, but I have to say, that from reading this post, I think the OP is very selfish. Its all about how this affects you, what you want, that you aren’t happy with your sex life, that you aren’t fulfilled. There are two people in a relationship.

What about the fact that she has sex with you, even though it hurts her. Would you continue to do something that hurts you? What about the fact that she is happy to do a multitude of things to please you?

You can’t understand what its like to have a low sex drive, because you don’t have one! You can’t understand what its like to continue with sex to please someone, even though its painful. I think you need to be more understanding to her needs. I am like your wife, and I know what its like to carry the guilt and pressure of been the one with a low sex drive in the relationship. I’m sure she would give anything to have a higher sex drive, because I know I would. But the fact is that she doesn’t, and there is nothing that can be done about that. People with a low sex drive could easily go without sex for the rest of their lives and it wouldn’t bother them, because truthfully – sex is more hassle than its worth! The pleasure of sex is short-lived. Five minutes after its over, you go back to normal. For someone with a low sex drive, you don’t feel the need or want to have sex. You can enjoy it while it lasts, but there is nothing an hour later that’s makes you think – I want to do that again.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

1. The most important of them all – lubricant. Sex is painful because she isn’t turned on. Lubricant will remove the pain. Once you use it once or twice, she won’t be expecting pain so she won’t automatically tense up. That will then lead to her enjoying sex more!
2. Don’t pressure her into sex, and bring it up all the time. As a previous poster mentioned, the more its brought up, the more pressure you feel under, and the less you want to have sex. You end up having sex for the sake of it, which isn’t enjoyable, and leads to an even stronger dislike of sex, which results in wanting sex even less.
3. Cuddle her without wanting sex. Otherwise, she will associate everything time you touch her with sex, and as above, will lead to further distance.
4. Spice things up a bit. Try different positions, places, clothes etc.
5. Positions – you said that all positions hurt her apart from missionary. You have to be directly on top of her with no part raised. I’m the same. My advice – for a while stick to this position. Don’t even attempt another position. Let her get comfortable with sex again, and not feel under pressure. Let her enjoy having sex without having to worry about positions and pain. Then, when she is more comfortable with things, and feels more confident about things she will probably be open to more positions.
6. Do whatever she wants for a while. Whatever positions she is comfortable with, whatever turns her on etc. I know you have needs too, but in order for you to get to a place as a couple where those needs are met, you are going to have to let her get comfortable with sex again, and enjoy it.

Try the above – it has worked for me. I’m not going to lie to you, it hasn’t changed my sex drive. I don’t want sex more often. But when we have sex, we enjoy it, so I associate good things with sex. It means that when I’m kind of in the mood, I’m more likely to initiate things. Rather than thinking, I’m a bit turned on, but what’s the point.

...

Where anywhere did OP mention sex was hurting the wife.....???

I think you are jumping to conclusions there!!!

Wibbs

In the OP's very first post. "penetration hurts the wife".

PaddyInChelsea

Snoopy, sorry to hear how you feel about sex and, more importantly, the reason why you feel that way. I hope you get that issue sorted out. I wish all the best to yourself and your boyfriend. And thanks for posting.

SameStoryHere, I had a slight feeling of deja vu when I read some of your post. My wife, however, doesn't have any abuse issues that I know of. I asked her a few times in the past and she assured me that there aren't any. However, during our last argument, she did say that counselling might throw something up that might help improve things.....................
And you're so right about working it out and compromising and realising that we all have different sex drives. Thanks.

Bragan, thank you for your post also. Am I being selfish? I suppose I am in a way, yes. My wife does carry a lot of guilt about the situation and, like you, wishes she had a greater sex drive. I often think that she could go the rest of her life without sex and it wouldn't bother her either. I'd be interested in your thoughts on the vibrator though. Thanks for the 6 bits of advice. Good advice and well thought through.

But in my defence, things have been like this for almost 20 years now and I feel that time is running out on me. There are a few things I'd like to try before I die. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

Jeez... Paddy, I empathise completely.

I have only this morn posted on here too about the complete train wreck sex or lack thereof has been causing in my marriage, it has snowballed us to the point of misery.

sucks as$...I have no advice to offer, just empathy

PaddyInChelsea

christmaspoo wrote: »

Jeez... Paddy, I empathise completely.

I have only this morn posted on here too about the complete train wreck sex or lack thereof has been causing in my marriage, it has snowballed us to the point of misery.

sucks as$...I have no advice to offer, just empathy

Hi Christmaspoo. I read you first post earlier today and just read your second one now. I take no pleasure in seeing someone else in a similar situation to myself, but it's good to know that others can empathise and identify with what's going on. Every reply I've had has been constructive and I'm more than impressed with boards.ie

I think it's only fair that I reply to your situation in your thread. If you do go for counselling, would you consider registering with a user name here and PM me with some news about how it's going for you? (Mods, I hope I haven't broken a rule by making that request. Apologies if I have).

username123

PaddyinChelsea, a couple of things strike me about your situation. You say your wife would like more non sexual cuddling, hugging etc... Well then give that to her - get into more snuggling with her, it will give her a lot of pleasure (and you too I would hope) and help put back some of the bonding between yout two. Dont make it into something sexual, keep your clothes on even, but do the cuddling thing - its something you can easily do that will give her pleasure. Dont use it as a substitute for sex, just add it into your life as an extra.

On the penetration hurting her, there are some positions that would be less painful, you need to research this - with your wife - to find positions that are more suitable. It sounds like she is not getting turned on enough. I find doggy style painful for the first few thrusts, but then I loosen out and its fine. My husband is aware of this so does not go deep in that position until I indicate to him that its ok. Your wife may be expecting pain in certain positions and tensing up - compounding the problem. She really needs to take more control about what positions she wants to try - where she has control of how deep you go. Lubricant is also a must. Communication is really the key to good sex, saying what you want and dont want. Its worrying that you are not allowed to use the vibrator on her, you need to ask her why this is.

I wish I had some better advice for you, I know you cant 'make' someone be more horny. But you can certainly try to improve your reationship in other ways (more tactile cuddling, better communication etc) and hope that by bringing yourselves closer together that your wife may be more open to increased sexual activities.

PaddyInChelsea

username123 wrote: »

PaddyinChelsea, a couple of things strike me about your situation. You say your wife would like more non sexual cuddling, hugging etc... Well then give that to her - get into more snuggling with her, it will give her a lot of pleasure (and you too I would hope) and help put back some of the bonding between yout two. Dont make it into something sexual, keep your clothes on even, but do the cuddling thing - its something you can easily do that will give her pleasure. Dont use it as a substitute for sex, just add it into your life as an extra.

On the penetration hurting her, there are some positions that would be less painful, you need to research this - with your wife - to find positions that are more suitable. It sounds like she is not getting turned on enough. I find doggy style painful for the first few thrusts, but then I loosen out and its fine. My husband is aware of this so does not go deep in that position until I indicate to him that its ok. Your wife may be expecting pain in certain positions and tensing up - compounding the problem. She really needs to take more control about what positions she wants to try - where she has control of how deep you go. Lubricant is also a must. Communication is really the key to good sex, saying what you want and dont want. Its worrying that you are not allowed to use the vibrator on her, you need to ask her why this is.

I wish I had some better advice for you, I know you cant 'make' someone be more horny. But you can certainly try to improve your reationship in other ways (more tactile cuddling, better communication etc) and hope that by bringing yourselves closer together that your wife may be more open to increased sexual activities.

Thanks a lot, 123. Yeah, I'm doing a bit more of the hugging and cuddling bit at the moment. Especially in the kitchen, around the house etc. But sometimes I feel that's all she wants. Unless I push things, it rarely goes further. It'd be nice if it did now and again. Thanks also for the positional etc. advice. We have a few positions that are ok but I find them boring at times. But maybe I should just accept things at that. Just a few points... She finds doggy a bit degrading-almost like an animal. (No obvious replies to that bit, please! ) And the other thing is that she'll use a regular vibrator with me, no problem, but absolutely refuses to use the rabbit with me. She says that somethings are private and that's one of them.

username123

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

She finds doggy a bit degrading-almost like an animal.

Any chance of setting up a mirror to one side so she (and you) can watch each others faces during doggie? Takes away the impersonal feeling of not being able to see each other, also can help with an appreciation of how it looks asthetically, the male hairier body against the softer female form.
I suspect the lack of eye contact may be part of the issue in feeling its degrading.

Good on the cuddling aspect, also in your shoes Id be setting up romantic dinners, and 'date' nites. Try to go back to what first attracted you to each other - before you were having sex at at all. Your relationship sounds like it has gone stale in terms of romantic love.

What about watching porn together in the bedroom? Would she be into that?

Can you ask her about her sexual fantasies and what turns her on, and try in some way to fulfill that for her?

bragan

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

Bragan, thank you for your post also. Am I being selfish? I suppose I am in a way, yes. My wife does carry a lot of guilt about the situation and, like you, wishes she had a greater sex drive. I often think that she could go the rest of her life without sex and it wouldn't bother her either. I'd be interested in your thoughts on the vibrator though. Thanks for the 6 bits of advice. Good advice and well thought through.

But in my defence, things have been like this for almost 20 years now and I feel that time is running out on me. There are a few things I'd like to try before I die. Thanks again.

I'm very sorry to hear that this situation has been going on for so long. I can't imagine what that must be like, and I hope some of the advice I hav =e given helps to bring you closer and improve your situation.

Some other people here have suggested that your wife may not be interested in you anymore. I don't feel that is the case. You mentioned that your wife has said that you should get sex of someone else. I myself have had similar thoughts. My life would certaintly be easier if I could get companionship from my partner, and he could fulfill his sexual needs somewhere else. But the truth is I would never actually want that to happen. I believe this is something she says out of dispair, rather than actually meaning it.

On the vibrator issue, my opinion would be that she uses the vibrator because its easy, no hassle, stress or pain. Its quick, and she has nobody to please but herself. If she was to use the vibrator in front of you, she would then feel that she had to also fulfill your needs, which she doesn't want to because of the pain, and effort involved. To use a vibrator you don't need to be turned on, or in the mood. To have sex with your partner, you need both of those things. So from that respect, I think she is fulfilling her needs without having to feel guilty about your needs. But this is ony my opinion on the vibrator. There could possibly be something entirely different going on.

As I said, I'm very sorry to hear this situation has been going on for 20 years. But i really do feel that the way to improve things is to have more intimicay with you wife without the pressure of sex, and get her comfortable with things again. i know you said you are bored of the positions and want something new, but you may need to accept that some positions are out.

As for the doggy style issue, I think that username123 has hit the nail on the head. it can feel a bit degrading, and isn't a position i would love myself. i think her suggestions are brilliant, and might improve things there.

I hope things improve you.

PaddyInChelsea

Username123, if I have an opportune moment, I'll suggest what you said about setting up a mirror. I doubt if that suggestion will get much of a hearing but you never know. The idea of dinner etc. had come to mind as a possibility soon also. And I think you're right about the romantic bit. But my wife has always been much more romantic than I am. That's why I posted earlier that I sometimes think she'd have been better off marrying someone who's more of a romantic person than I am. On the porn issue, I'd love it if she was up for that but, again, I don't think it'd be a runner. She says that she'd be like a voyeur and wouldn't be into it for that reason. I've had a porn tape for about 15 years (in the attic) and I mention now and again about watching it but no joy so far. Maybe I'll try again. And her sexual fantasies-I've asked the question many times also but she tells me that she doesn't have any really and, anyway, that fantasies are better off being just that. That the real thing might be a disappointment.

Bragan, I think you're right that she hasn't lost interest in me and what she said was said in despair and desperation. Reading your post made me realise that my wife could have written a lot of it in almost the very same way. There has been more hugging etc. in the last week or so but I messed things up slightly, earlier, when I drew up the subject again while we were organising things for tomorrow's dinner in the kitchen this afternoon. I told her that I thought that we were tip-toeing around each other at the moment. She said that she thought that things had improved and I think she was a little disappointed that I said what I did. She added that she was afraid to make any sexual moves as she knew that I'd probably think that she was faking desire and was only doing it for my sake. I'd said during our last argument that I would feel that way and I think I would, at the moment.

And, as nearly always happens, I was really sorry for drawing the subject up. Especially on Christmas Eve. I told her I was sorry and she said I shouldn't apologise for saying how I feel. And she always does say that in a genuine way. I have no problem putting my thoughts down in print but I never seem to be able to say what I want to say properly when we discuss things. Thanks for your views on the vibrator issue. But I have to stress that she doesn't use it much......I think.

And I'll have a think about the doggy bit also. But I don't think that anything will be happening for a while yet.

As always, a big thank you to you both, for expressing your thoughts and views without being judgemental. It's particularly beneficial that I'm getting female perspectives on it. You're great. Thanks.

Sinall

There are some good books out there on living with somebody with depression. Please read one, it will help you to understand her better and that can only be a good thing. Guilt, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and unattractiveness are all parts of depression. It might be very difficult for her to feel frisky and then there is the added guilt of feeling that she is letting you down by not having more sex.

Also, please be aware that coming off anti-depressant medication should be done with a doctors supervision. There can be some quite serious side effects, so, depending on the type of medication, the doctor will recommend an appropriate type of weaning programme, eg, cutting down on medication etc. A sudden stop in medication could easily make her feel a lot worse, both physically and mentally, and could easily result in her having to go back on it again. Seriously, she should ring her doctor as there can be some severe withdrawal symptoms.

I think that if she finds the right approach to handling her depression then hopefully your sex life will improve. Depression can be a very alienating illness. A lot of people find that medication alone will help on a day to day basis but will not provide a long-term solution. Counselling is always a good idea and could really help your wife.

PaddyInChelsea

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Sinall. I'll take all of what you said on board.

P.

LegacyUser

firstly i think you seem like a wonderful husband in many regards and it cannot be easy living like this for so long. My bf is away at the moment (abroad) and I am finding going with out sex (its been 4 months now) very difficult aswell as obviously missing his company, and kisses and very especially just cuddling up on the couch. So i know how difficult it can be and can only imagine how much harder this would be if your partner was around but not interested. I would just like to really recommend a book myself and my partner read a while ago, it was a very good book to read together and we used to read it together in bed periodically. I think it is called 'The Sex Diaries', maybe someone else can confirm this, but it is written by a woman and it is a very interesting and insightful read. It gives many couples real life experiences with sex issues, both problems and non-issues also. It also gives an interesting perpective from a woman which I think your wife may relate to.

PaddyInChelsea

Thanks, Sex-diaries. I just googled it and it looks like a fascinating book. Thank you for the tip. This is a link to it...

http://www.smh.com.au/news/entertainment/books/book-reviews/the-sex-diaries/2009/03/20/1237526317783.html

And I hope your bf gets home soon. 4 months is a long time to go without. Others wouldn't have waited that long. He's lucky to have you.