a slap back?!

LegacyUser

Hi, unsure if this is the right place for this mods feel free to move it.

Ok so on two occasion with my now ex bf, we had a heated argument in which i slapped him and he slapped me back. I was always of the opinion that a man should never hit a woman no matter what. His view was obviously different on this issue!

For reference i'm 5'2 and very petite. He is 6' and an athletic build.

What are your opinions on the slap back?! Do men have as much right to slap you back?

Silverfish

You have no right to slap him.

I don't think who slapped who back is the main issue in your relationship.
Two grown adults in a relationship shouldn't be hitting each other full stop.

I think you both need to take a look at whether you should be in a relationship with each other at all.

davyjose

unreg45 wrote: »

I was always of the opinion that a man should never hit a woman no matter what.

Is that why you thought you could slap him? Serves you right tbh. If you go around hitting people, expect to be hit back.

Don't get me wrong, hitting a girl is disgusting. But so is hitting a guy, just because he's a guy.

Liam Byrne

unreg45 wrote: »

Ok so on two occasion with my now ex bf, we had a heated argument in which i slapped him and he slapped me back. I was always of the opinion that a man should never hit a woman no matter what. His view was obviously different on this issue!

For reference i'm 5'2 and very petite. He is 6' and an athletic build.

What are your opinions on the slap back?! Do men have as much right to slap you back?

OF COURSE they do! :mad::mad::mad:

Technically, he has no right to slap you.

But YOU have no right to slap HIM. ZERO. ZILCH. NADA.

And if you acted and he reacted then he gets the benefit of any doubt.

What the hell made you think that (a) you had the right to slap him and that (b) he "should never slap a woman" regardless of what the hell you did ?

The poster above is correct. You should not be in a relationship.

And if it were me - while there's a 50/50 chance that I might have had some self control and more respect than some "slapper" - you'd have gotten the door IMMEDIATELY and would NEVER, EVER have had the benefit and pleasure of my company and attention ever again.

Abuse is abuse. Suggesting anything otherwise is pathetic and sexist.

LegacyUser

Firstly we are no longer in a relationship, see my first post.

Secondly i did not slap him because i got annoyed and just had the urge to hit him. He is very itimitading and aggresive in an argument. Have someone who is a foot taller, standing over you in an intimidating manor, i was scared and it was a last resort for me.

And thirdly no i dont believe anyone has the right to slap anyone. I got out of this relationship because of the emotional abuse i went through, i am half the person i was.

Its ironic reading your posts, sounds like him talking. "Everything is my fault"

Liam Byrne

unreg45 wrote: »

Firstly we are no longer in a relationship, see my first post.

Secondly i did not slap him because i got annoyed and just had the urge to hit him. He is very itimitading and aggresive in an argument. Have someone who is a foot taller, standing over you in an intimidating manor, i was scared and it was a last resort for me.

And thirdly no i dont believe anyone has the right to slap anyone. I got out of this relationship because of the emotional abuse i went through, i am half the person i was.

Its ironic reading your posts, sounds like him talking. "Everything is my fault"

The bolded part is key; at least you're admitting that you didn't have the right to slap him.

And your description - "intimidating", "aggressive", "emotional abuse", etc - is as far from a "relationship" as I could possibly imagine.

I'm glad - for your sake - that you've realised this and gotten out of it, but the fact is that the correct thing to do - for your own sake - was to "get out" before you became "half the person that you were" and managed to hit him despite knowing it was wrong.

If he's made you feel that "everything was your fault", then you have my sympathy - sincerely.

But if you expected that anyone would view that it was somehow more OK for you to hit him than him hit you, then I can't see how you came to this conclusion......what if it was you that was doing the emotional abuse and being aggressive ? Would you have thought it OK for him to hit you THEN ?

Or would you be OK with the double-standard ? OK for you to act the way you did, but you'd still think it was wrong if he did it if the roles were reversed.

Bottom line is - you were wrong on both counts in this scenario : hitting him, and assuming that he "shouldn't" react.

But if it was as abusive as you describe, then I'm delighted that you're out of it.

Stay safe, resist the urge to slap, learn from it and choose more wisely in future.

Best of luck.

Tragedy

They aren't saying everything is your fault, they're saying him slapping you was a result of you slapping him.

Moomoo1

I don't think it's ok to slap a woman back, no. The only reason to use violence is in self-defense, which was plainly not an issue for him here.

Tragedy

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't think it's ok to slap a woman person back, no. The only reason to use violence is in self-defense, which was plainly not an issue for him here.

Fixed it there for you.

Nevyn

unreg45 wrote: »

Firstly we are no longer in a relationship, see my first post.

Then why are you still interacting with him?
Why did you meet up with him?

unreg45 wrote: »

Secondly i did not slap him because i got annoyed and just had the urge to hit him. He is very itimitading and aggresive in an argument. Have someone who is a foot taller, standing over you in an intimidating manor, i was scared and it was a last resort for me.

You had other options, you could have walked away, you acted impulsively and lashed out. You lost control. Yes he retaliated but you started it.
You should have just gotten away from him, removed yourself from the situation.

unreg45 wrote: »

And thirdly no i dont believe anyone has the right to slap anyone. I got out of this relationship because of the emotional abuse i went through, i am half the person i was.

Then why are you re engaging with this person if he is so toxic to you.
The relationship is over, cut contact and go sort yourself out.
Don't get into back and forth over who is more wrong, just resolve to live a better live with out him in it.

Liam Byrne

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't think it's ok to slap a woman person back, no. The only reason to use violence is in self-defense, which was plainly not an issue for him here.

Fixed it even more.

Fact is, if someone didn't slap in the first place, there'd be no such thing as a slap "back".

CDfm

unreg45 wrote: »

Secondly i did not slap him because i got annoyed and just had the urge to hit him. He is very itimitading and aggresive in an argument. Have someone who is a foot taller, standing over you in an intimidating manor, i was scared and it was a last resort for me.

You initiated a physical attack on someone bigger than you and yes he is entitled to use reasonable force to stop you as you are the aggressor.

And thirdly no i dont believe anyone has the right to slap anyone. I got out of this relationship because of the emotional abuse i went through, i am half the person i was.

Half of domestic violence incidents are mutual violence and of these half are instigated by women,so you are the batterer here.

You had an argument with an ex and resorted to violence.

Its ironic reading your posts, sounds like him talking. "Everything is my fault"

Maybe thats something to ponder on.

You posted that you were "always of the opinion that a man should never hit a woman no matter what" and do you still believe you have the right to hit out.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't think it's ok to slap a woman back, no. The only reason to use violence is in self-defense, which was plainly not an issue for him here.

It was also not an issue for her. My reading is that she felt she could batter him with him retaliating or seeking to prevent a sustained attack.

You are allowed use reasonable force.

Why is it ok for the OP to lash out. I dont think pain from being hit is gender specific and what if she had access to a weapon.

davyjose

OP, i don't think it was acceptable for him to hit you, I think it was disgusting. The thing is, I feel you were equally at fault.

look, maybe he was a bully, and a thug, and maybe you're better off without hi, and fair play for that. but you can't hit people and then express indignant shock that you were hit.

Also i don't think it's right to hit people because you know they won't hit you back. maybe it's a lesson learned.

Moomoo1

CDfm wrote: »

It was also not an issue for her. My reading is that she felt she could batter him with him retaliating or seeking to prevent a sustained attack.

You are allowed use reasonable force.

Why is it ok for the OP to lash out. I dont think pain from being hit is gender specific and what if she had access to a weapon.

I never said it was OK to lash out. But I do think that hitting someone who is obviously weaker than you is worse than hitting someone stronger than you. Neither are ok, but one is worse than the other.

davyjose

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I never said it was OK to lash out. But I do think that hitting someone who is obviously weaker than you is worse than hitting someone stronger than you. Neither are ok, but one is worse than the other.

Why, just because you're stronger, doesn't mean you don't feel it. The guy next to me in work could be stronger than me, does that mean I can whack him.

fact is, the OP initiated the violence.

opinion guy

unreg45 wrote: »

Secondly i did not slap him because i got annoyed and just had the urge to hit him. He is very itimitading and aggresive in an argument. Have someone who is a foot taller, standing over you in an intimidating manor, i was scared and it was a last resort for me.

I find this strange. I've been in situations where I've been physically threatened by others and I have to say the last thing I would do is slap them pre-emptively. After all that only serves to invite retaliation does it not ? I have to wonder about two things:
a) have you been in physically abusive relationship (romantic or family or otherwise) before ?
b) did you think you could slap him as a way of finishing the argument thinking that he would not slap back on account of you being a girl?

I'm sorry I don't mean to be obnoxious but I'm just having a hard time getting my head around "I hit the physically bigger intimidating person because I was scared of them". Generally speaking people don't hit people they are physically intimidated by and scared of - its counter-intuitive

LegacyUser

CDfm Where in any of my posts did i say i felt it was ok to batter him? "Reasonable force" would you get a grip! Its not counter intelligence.

I think alot of you are mis-interepeting my posts. It was a volitile atmosphere i was backed up against the wall i couldnt shout over him, i wasnt strong enough to get past him, i wanted him to stop, i barley weigh 8 stone, it wasnt aggressive behaviour on my part, i wanted and needed to get out of that situation and i felt that was the only way. And i can tell you that his retalliation did hurt and did leave a mark.

I'm sorry if it goes against all the male thinking here but yes i do think he was wrong, in this situation he was wrong. I dont condone physical violence, i am not a violent person.

Danniboo

OP, get your head out of that 1930's cloud its stuck in. No one has the right to hit anyone else regardless if their male or female. You are kind of saying it was ok for me to hit him because your a timid little woman, pathetic. What about a lesbian couple if the two ladies involved starting hitting each other, whos in the wrong here?

Taltos

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I never said it was OK to lash out. But I do think that hitting someone who is obviously weaker than you is worse than hitting someone stronger than you. Neither are ok, but one is worse than the other.

Sorry Moomoo1 - disagree with this last statement.
Last century ( ) worked with a guy - around 6ft 5 - used to come in every so often black and blue - black eyes etc. Being from out of town I just thought he was a gurrier getting into fights. Found out afterwards it was his wife - around the 5ft mark - used to regularly batter him.

Not sure if they are still together - or if after all this time he still manages to hold back from reacting. But in this case the size does not come into it. What is wrong there is the same as is wrong here - the initial lash out. - That is planned and thought through. Whether the OP "felt" intimidated / threatened - lashing out?? How is that right in any world?

Hitting / abuse of any nature is just wrong - size / strength do not come into it. Some people do react as the OPs other-half - and lets face it - if a batterer lashes out for the first time and is met with a returning slap it will make them think better.

Op - you may have felt intimidated - but in this case by lashing out - you escalated and crossed a boundary - that triggered your OH to cross that line with you. For all the genuine battered partners out there (male/female) - you are very very lucky he did not escalate this - but YOU hit first. In my book you are the abuser here.

He might have been a mental bully - and we do not have enough information to really judge that. But at least you two are no longer together. Learn from this - don't repeat your past mistakes. Also if your next partner ever starts intimidating you - leave immediately or talk it out and leave if you cannot resolve it - don't get trapped in circles of abuse.

Barracudaincork

unreg45 wrote: »

I'm sorry if it goes against all the male thinking here but yes i do think he was wrong, in this situation he was wrong. I dont condone physical violence, i am not a violent person.

It goes against all genders thinking, not just male. We all chatted in work this morning re your post and all men and women were equally shocked at your behavior and the way you tried to justify it.
You hit someone; you are violent, end of! You are making peoples opinion of you lower by defending it, if you even had the decency to admit you were in the wrong, there may be some apathy to you here.

Smallbit

Taltos wrote: »

Hitting / abuse of any nature is just wrong - size / strength do not come into it. Some people do react as the OPs other-half - and lets face it - if a batterer lashes out for the first time and is met with a returning slap it will make them think better.

+1

And as a female I don't believe I have any more rights not to be hit than a male. I do think that if a female instigates violence then she must deal with the consequences. Touting archaic ideas like 'you never hit a woman' while assuming the right to hit a man is stupid and lets us down as women. We're either equal or we're not.

One of my hobbies is kickboxing which I took up to overcome a paralysing fear of physical confrontation. I'm now in the position that if I hit someone I could actually do some serious damage. With that ability comes responsibility.

OP, if you're too emotionally uncontrolled to restrain your hand/fists, don't inflict yourself n another human being.

Nevyn

unreg45 wrote: »

I think alot of you are mis-interepeting my posts. It was a volitile atmosphere i was backed up against the wall i couldnt shout over him, i wasnt strong enough to get past him, i wanted him to stop, i barley weigh 8 stone, it wasnt aggressive behaviour on my part, i wanted and needed to get out of that situation and i felt that was the only way. And i can tell you that his retalliation did hurt and did leave a mark.

Then you need to keep away from him and avoid him utterly, never again let yourself be alone with him or let him get that close to you.
You should also consider a self defense course as you feel you needed to resort to hitting him in that situation to get away and the action you choose wasn't that effective and only resulted in you getting assaulted back.

I think that as you do have a mark on you, you should go to the dr and get it seen to and documented in case things should escalate.

unreg45 wrote: »

I'm sorry if it goes against all the male thinking here but yes i do think he was wrong, in this situation he was wrong. I dont condone physical violence, i am not a violent person.

It has nothing to do with a 'male' way of thinking, we as a society frown on anyone hitting anyone else and on bullies in any shape or form, yes a large strong man can possibly do more damage hitting a small slight female but that does not give her the right to hit him.

Terodil

Agree with Taltos 100%.

An additional reason why I think, moomoo1, that your statement is off is that the OP seriously believed she could get away with physical abuse BECAUSE he was stronger. It was not an accident/one-off either, it happened several times, leading me to believe that it WAS premeditated, and that she just overestimated the mental shackles she believed on him. And that's really, really bad OP. Maybe some of us have a short temper and throw out a slap (it would still be wrong!) at the height of emotional involvement, but to do it repeatedly in the belief that he'd not hit back... and then coming on here to complain about how he dare slap you back... that's really low.

Seriously, I'm shaking my head at the reasoning apparent in the OP and some of the replies here.

Sex or strength, or lack thereof, don't make it right to beat somebody else, or to expect to be able to act with total impunity.

kayos

unreg45 wrote: »

it wasnt aggressive behaviour on my part, i wanted and needed to get out of that situation and i felt that was the only way. And i can tell you that his retalliation did hurt and did leave a mark.

What part of hitting someone is not aggressive? And whats to say your violence did not hurt him or did not leave a mark? Sorry but there is no reason either of you should have hit the other. In my honest view the person that starts the acts of violence has no leg to stand on.

unreg45 wrote: »

I'm sorry if it goes against all the male thinking here but yes i do think he was wrong, in this situation he was wrong.

Its not just men here telling you that you are wrong. Both genders are here telling you should not of hit him. He would have been wrong if he hit you first.

unreg45 wrote: »

I dont condone physical violence, i am not a violent person.

Yes you are. You hit someone and now you are trying to justify it.

Look if the relationship was going down hill you should have got out of there, you ahve now and good on you. But I dont think you will find any one here agreeing with the use of physical violence against a partner of either gender.

OS119

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I never said it was OK to lash out. But I do think that hitting someone who is obviously weaker than you is worse than hitting someone stronger than you. Neither are ok, but one is worse than the other.

the word you're looking for is 'stupid'.

hitting someone who's bigger than you, and who you claim to be afraid of is just stupid.

hitting someone who's bigger than you, who you claim to be afraid of and doing it because you believe in a 'makey-uppy' rule that says big people can't hit small people even when small people hit them first, is just asking for trouble.

opinion guy

No answer for my questions above OP ?

I find this strange. I've been in situations where I've been physically threatened by others and I have to say the last thing I would do is slap them pre-emptively. After all that only serves to invite retaliation does it not ? I have to wonder about two things:
a) have you been in physically abusive relationship (romantic or family or otherwise) before ?
b) did you think you could slap him as a way of finishing the argument thinking that he would not slap back on account of you being a girl?

I'm sorry I don't mean to be obnoxious but I'm just having a hard time getting my head around "I hit the physically bigger intimidating person because I was scared of them". Generally speaking people don't hit people they are physically intimidated by and scared of - its counter-intuitive

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I never said it was OK to lash out. But I do think that hitting someone who is obviously weaker than you is worse than hitting someone stronger than you. Neither are ok, but one is worse than the other.

Moomoo- I normally agree with you -but the OP lashed out and the guy didnt see it coming. It is not seperate incidents.

And the risk of getting hit back increases in proportion to the size of the person you choose to hit. Its much safer to hit a smaller person.

unreg45 wrote: »

CDfm Where in any of my posts did i say i felt it was ok to batter him? "Reasonable force" would you get a grip! Its not counter intelligence.

Legally thats the term. What you did was a crime and he was within his rights. He would also be within his rights to make a complaint to the guards and if he had witnesses go for prosecution.

What you did was common assault -its not big and its not clever.

I think alot of you are mis-interepeting my posts.

I wasnt there but you do seem to be elaborating to make you look in a better light.

That said lots of people think its fun to date a dangerous person for the excitement but when it goes wrong feel aggrieved.

Its a modern world and people no longer believe its wrong to hit a woman back.

Hitting ANYONE is wrong. If you hit someone, you can expect a slap back. regardless of the gender of the person you attacked. I really don't think there is any excuse, bar actual self defense, as in he PHYSICALLY attacked you first, or you thought he was about to PHYSICALLY attack you. This 'oh he was so big and scary' stuff doesn't wash with me, my ex was 6'3 and intimidating and a bully, but I never felt the need to slap him. When it got to the point I was scared of him when we argued, I told him it wasn't working out and that was that. It really gets on my nerves when girls think they can get away with hitting men because they 'can't hit back'.

ash23

I hit a guy. ONCE. I won't even get into the why as there is no excuse. I lost my temper. Totally my fault and if he'd turned around and smacked me back I would have deserved it.
I still feel guilty about it.

You don't antagonise someone you are afraid of OP. I truly believe that in the cases where you hit your ex, it was out of sheer temper and nothing else. He may have wound you up but you can't hit someone and not expect it to make the situation worse.
Learn your lesson. Don't hit and you probably won't get hit back.
And if you ever find yourself feeling physically threatened or intimidated by a partner, realise that it's a bad 'un and get out of it before it gets to a point of physical violence.

MissMotivated

[quote=[Deleted User];63504374]Hitting ANYONE is wrong. If you hit someone, you can expect a slap back. regardless of the gender of the person you attacked. I really don't think there is any excuse, bar actual self defense, as in he PHYSICALLY attacked you first, or you thought he was about to PHYSICALLY attack you. This 'oh he was so big and scary' stuff doesn't wash with me, my ex was 6'3 and intimidating and a bully, but I never felt the need to slap him. When it got to the point I was scared of him when we argued, I told him it wasn't working out and that was that. It really gets on my nerves when girls think they can get away with hitting men because they 'can't hit back'.[/quote]

+1

I think Op you hit him thinking he would do nothing about it, because he's a fella you thought he should not hit you back. My father was violent with my mother growing up and I have always swore I would never stay with someone who was violent to me, whether it was a light slap or a punch. No one male or female should have to put up with that in a relationship

Moomoo1

davyjose wrote: »

Why, just because you're stronger, doesn't mean you don't feel it. The guy next to me in work could be stronger than me, does that mean I can whack him.

fact is, the OP initiated the violence.

a strong person can do a lot more damage with a slap than a weak person. Besides, it's just a slap, we are not talking black eyes and bruises here.

Barracudaincork

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Besides, it's just a slap, we are not talking black eyes and bruises here.

Well if she bashed him and thumped him through a pillow she could do more damage but it wouldnt leave bruises, would you find this acceptable?

Danniboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

a strong person can do a lot more damage with a slap than a weak person. Besides, it's just a slap, we are not talking black eyes and bruises here.

Not this time!!!!!

LegacyUser

After the first session of slaps ye both should have walked in the opposite direction. TBH, you are as bad as each other but you hsve to take responsibity for setting off the situation. Its just a shame 2 unsuspecting future partners dont know whats coming down the tracks for them. You need counselling to get to the bottom of your violent tendencies and stay out of a relationship until you get yourself sorted.

fabbydabby

Slapping is the sole preserve of the skanger.

LegacyUser

CDfm elaboration is a stretch of the truth and seeing as there is none here it is not an elaboration. it was not a fun and dangerous relationship.

opinion guy: (A) yes i did witness physical violence between my mother and father as a child. (B) no i dont end arguments with a slap.

I was in this relationship for 3 years, nobody else knows the ins and outs of it, the a abuse i suffered emotionally and mentally from him has a much more lasting effect.

If you're sister, daughter, mother was in the same situation? And its not as easy as saying just leave, your confidence, self worth is so shattered that you think you deserve this. Of course i regret it, i didnt take it lightly, your were not in my shoes, i defend myself on this issue.

Abuse is not only physical.

Terodil

Moomoo1 wrote: »

a strong person can do a lot more damage with a slap than a weak person. Besides, it's just a slap, we are not talking black eyes and bruises here.

OMG.

1. If a person *can* do more damage than a weak person, that
a) doesn't mean s/he wanted to
b) s/he deserves to be slapped pre-emptively

2. "It's just a slap"
a) for now
b) tell that to the women seeking shelter from abusive husbands
c) the hurt is much more in the slap, the abuse, than in the physical pain

OS119

Moomoo1 wrote: »

a strong person can do a lot more damage with a slap than a weak person.

thats the weak persons problem...

while i accept that with strength comes responsibility, i also believe that stupidity comes with consequences.

Warfi

unreg45 wrote: »

Hi, unsure if this is the right place for this mods feel free to move it.

Ok so on two occasion with my now ex bf, we had a heated argument in which i slapped him and he slapped me back. I was always of the opinion that a man should never hit a woman no matter what. His view was obviously different on this issue!

For reference i'm 5'2 and very petite. He is 6' and an athletic build.

What are your opinions on the slap back?! Do men have as much right to slap you back?

unreg45 wrote: »

I think alot of you are mis-interepeting my posts. It was a volitile atmosphere i was backed up against the wall i couldnt shout over him, i wasnt strong enough to get past him, i wanted him to stop, i barley weigh 8 stone, it wasnt aggressive behaviour on my part, i wanted and needed to get out of that situation and i felt that was the only way. And i can tell you that his retalliation did hurt and did leave a mark.

I'm sorry if it goes against all the male thinking here but yes i do think he was wrong, in this situation he was wrong. I dont condone physical violence, i am not a violent person.

I don't think anyone mis-interpreted your post. Your first post just mentioned that you slapped him, he slapped you back. With that information alone, I'd be of the opinion that you shouldn't have slapped him. Your second post then said that it was a volatile atmosphere. We all do things we wouldn't normally do when we're scared, and afterwards we assess what happened. You've assessed your position and you think you'd every right to hit him without getting a slap back. That's your business. You can't expect others to agree with it though. Personally, if I was in a position where I slapped someone, I'd feel ashamed of myself (regardless of what that someone did) because it would show that first of all I'm in a relationship that has escalated to the point that violence is the only way to go, and secondly I'd be disappointed in myself because I know there are other ways of dealing with disagreements without getting violent.

Nevyn

unreg45 wrote: »

CDfm elaboration is a stretch of the truth and seeing as there is none here it is not an elaboration. it was not a fun and dangerous relationship.

opinion guy: (A) yes i did witness physical violence between my mother and father as a child. (B) no i dont end arguments with a slap.

I was in this relationship for 3 years, nobody else knows the ins and outs of it, the a abuse i suffered emotionally and mentally from him has a much more lasting effect.

If you're sister, daughter, mother was in the same situation? And its not as easy as saying just leave, your confidence, self worth is so shattered that you think you deserve this. Of course i regret it, i didnt take it lightly, your were not in my shoes, i defend myself on this issue.

Abuse is not only physical.

Look well done on getting away from him, keep away from him, go get yourself sorted and find out what your part in the toxic relationship was so you don't repeat the pattern again.

CDfm

unreg45 wrote: »

CDfm elaboration is a stretch of the truth and seeing as there is none here it is not an elaboration. it was not a fun and dangerous relationship.

Sorry - abuse is not nice. Look up Dr Susan Forwards book -Emotional Blackmail -lots of people swear by it.

opinion guy: (A) yes i did witness physical violence between my mother and father as a child. (B) no i dont end arguments with a slap

I was in this relationship for 3 years, nobody else knows the ins and outs of it, the a abuse i suffered emotionally and mentally from him has a much more lasting effect.

People cope with situations with learned behavior as a default mechanism as its what they know. I am not saying you have issues but try drawing a line and promise yourself to get involved in healthy relationships only.

If you're sister, daughter, mother was in the same situation?

I have a daughter and I am very close to her.

I would add my son and brother in there too.

PopUp

Look OP of course he was wrong to hit you back. If he came on here and posted his side of the story everybody would be saying 'You should have walked away, you should have walked out before you let things escalate to that point, there is no excuse for violence'.

But he's not on here. YOU are.

And YOU need to get straight that YOU behaved very badly. YOU made very unwise choices. YOU let the argument escalate. YOU resorted to violence. YOU could have walked away but you chose not to.

You need to accept you had a role in this. Otherwise you will go on from this and walk right into another mutally abusive relationship. You need to get your head straight or you will resort to violence again (people always do) and you will only attract people who are similarly abusive.

Liam Byrne

unreg45 wrote: »

Abuse is not only physical.

This is true, but the fact of the matter is that your original post implies that you only slapped him because you reckoned (incorrectly) that it's somehow not okay for a guy to hit back.

This implies premeditation and the fact that you did it because you thought there wouldn't be any consequences.

Well, firstly, it is OK for anyone to hit back. It's called equality and it applies to all normal people. They may choose not to - I'd never hit anyone first, and would certainly consider walking away from being hit - but I certainly wouldn't guarantee it, because the inital slapper changed the rules.

Secondly, even whatever applies to "normal people" is barely relevant in this scenario, since neither of you seem to have been able to treat each other with respect and decency, so you were already on iffy ground from which to judge baseline "normal" behaviour.

I remember a girl saying to me before that if she lost her temper, she'd be likely to hit me; I told her not to even consider it, because if she did, she could possibly expect a slap back - she'd have rewritten my rules, so we'd have to play by hers - and she could definitely expect me to walk out the door and never see me again.

The same girl did some of the headwreck / emotional abuse before I gave up on it a while later, but she never did raise a hand.

Would I have hit back ? I don't know - I'm not comfortable with the whole idea of hitting anyone - but I definitely wouldn't guarantee that I wouldn't have.

Moomoo1

OS119 wrote: »

thats the weak persons problem...

while i accept that with strength comes responsibility, i also believe that stupidity comes with consequences.

I am sorry, but that's just excusing men who hit women. Being slapped is no excuse to slap someone who is half your size.

A lot of men do this, provoke a woman into hitting them using emotional abuse, so that they can hit her back harder. And not just men: when I was 12-13 I was very tiny for my age and bigger kids at school once tried to get me to hit them so that they could hit me back (and not get into trouble, as the teacher wasn't far). They knew I wouldn't really hurt them, but they would damage me.

opinion guy

unreg45 wrote: »

opinion guy: (A) yes i did witness physical violence between my mother and father as a child. (B) no i dont end arguments with a slap.

I was in this relationship for 3 years, nobody else knows the ins and outs of it, the a abuse i suffered emotionally and mentally from him has a much more lasting effect.

Thanks for your answer. So I'll go back to what I said. Its not logical for the smaller threatened, intimidated person to hit the big person first - its the opposite of how most would react. So I'm forced to wonder if you reaction was some element of a learned behaviour on your part - maybe somewhere deep inside you were echoing something of how your parents interacted - especially since you apparenty thought he would not hit you back because of you're gender (if you saw your parents physically fighting why did you think . Look nobody is denying that you didn't suffer emotional and mental abuse, and actually you may not know it but you have people's sympathy for that. But I think what you need to consider is that YOU crossed the line into the physical domain. You are almost indignant that he didn't allow you to smack him because he was emotionally abusive to you - it doesn't work like that. I think you need to think about that a little bit because I don't think you are particularly aware of why you did this in the first place. I think that would be a more useful thing for you to figure out than to wonder why he hit you back when, really, thats pretty self-evident - you hit someone, anyone, regardless of why, you can pretty much expect to get hit back - very few people will take a smack and not react in some way

Moomoo1

Terodil wrote: »

OMG.

1. If a person *can* do more damage than a weak person, that
a) doesn't mean s/he wanted to
b) s/he deserves to be slapped pre-emptively

2. "It's just a slap"
a) for now
b) tell that to the women seeking shelter from abusive husbands
c) the hurt is much more in the slap, the abuse, than in the physical pain

1. it doesn't matter what you want to do. The end result counts. The saying 'pick fights with people your own size' is very apt here.

2. Seriously, a man should be a man, and shouldn't feel that a little slap gives him licence to hit back. Frankly, slapping a woman back just isn't manly, that's all. Being a man is about self-control as much as any other thing.

Danniboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

1. it doesn't matter what you want to do. The end result counts. The saying 'pick fights with people your own size' is very apt here.

2. Seriously, a man should be a man, and shouldn't feel that a little slap gives him licence to hit back. Frankly, slapping a woman back just isn't manly, that's all. Being a man is about self-control as much as any other thing.

You being serious so a man isn't being manly if he slaps you, but if a woman slaps a man she's still a lady . This attitude is prehistoric you can't condone violence because of certain conditions no one should raise their hand to another person, its wrong no matter what.

metalgear2k2

Moomoo1 wrote: »

1. it doesn't matter what you want to do. The end result counts. The saying 'pick fights with people your own size' is very apt here.

2. Seriously, a man should be a man, and shouldn't feel that a little slap gives him licence to hit back. Frankly, slapping a woman back just isn't manly, that's all. Being a man is about self-control as much as any other thing.

What a load of bollox! If anyone hit me they would get a slap back regardless.

Liam Byrne

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The saying 'pick fights with people your own size' is very apt here.

And remind us who picked the fight, again ?

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Being a man is about self-control as much as any other thing.

I'm not sure if it's approproate to piss myself laughing in PI, but if it ever was likely to be then it is with the above statement!!!

Is "being a woman" exempt from self control or something ?

Because if it is, we can throw all pretence of equality out the window right now.

eviltwin

She shouldnt have hit him.

But since when does violence have to be tit for tat? Because one person lashes out the other person has to respond in the same way? He should have just walked away.