House Husband Wife Too Controlling

LegacyUser

As the title implies, I am a house husband. I lost my job about a year ago and my wife is now the sole bread winner. I was self employed as a contractor so get no welfare. Every penny that comes into the house is brought in by my wife and boy does she keep reminding me.
I have to get up in the morning before her and prepare her breakfast and while she is in the bathroom, I have to sort out her clothes for the day in the bedroom. She gives detailed instructions for all kinds of jobs around the house before she goes to work. Even though she drives past shops on her way to and from work she expects me to walk to the shhops and carry everything home. She makes comments like "what else would you be doing anyway". She scrutinises all bills coming into the house and accuses me of wasting electricity and heating oil. She also wants to know what every phone call from the lanline is about. When she gets home from work in the evening she expects me to have her dinner prepared. When I am doing the washing up (she never helps) she goes around criticising things I ahve done during the day. She constantly talks about how tough her day was at work and how lucky I am to have her as otherwise I would be in the street. I have tried looking for jobs but If I go to an interview and it upsets her routine she throws a hissy.
Sorry for the long post, but I have to get it off my chest!

Silverfish

You need to sit her down and explain to her you're a house husband, not her personal slave.

wasper

House husband wrote: »

She constantly talks about how tough her day was at work and how lucky I am to have her as otherwise I would be in the street. I have tried looking for jobs but If I go to an interview and it upsets her routine she throws a hissy.

I am sorry to hear about your problem. Sound she is on power trip. You need to dump her.

Barracudaincork

I wouldnt even treat hired help like that!!!!

OP i might be out of order for asking, but i also feel its important to know, where the roles ever reversed at any stage in your relationship and this is now payback? Even if the answer is yes, she is still in the wrong (as would of you been back then).

What would happen if you didnt do all your chores etc?

Have you tried talking to her about it?

How Strange

House husband wrote: »

As the title implies, I am a house husband. I lost my job about a year ago and my wife is now the sole bread winner. I was self employed as a contractor so get no welfare. Every penny that comes into the house is brought in by my wife and boy does she keep reminding me.
I have to get up in the morning before her and prepare her breakfast and while she is in the bathroom, I have to sort out her clothes for the day in the bedroom. She gives detailed instructions for all kinds of jobs around the house before she goes to work. Even though she drives past shops on her way to and from work she expects me to walk to the shhops and carry everything home. She makes comments like "what else would you be doing anyway". She scrutinises all bills coming into the house and accuses me of wasting electricity and heating oil. She also wants to know what every phone call from the lanline is about. When she gets home from work in the evening she expects me to have her dinner prepared. When I am doing the washing up (she never helps) she goes around criticising things I ahve done during the day. She constantly talks about how tough her day was at work and how lucky I am to have her as otherwise I would be in the street. I have tried looking for jobs but If I go to an interview and it upsets her routine she throws a hissy.
Sorry for the long post, but I have to get it off my chest!

Wow OP, sorry to hear you're having such a bad time of it at the moment.

What does your wife work at? Is she a manager?

She really sounds like she is micro managing you which is why I'm asking what she works at.

You really need to sit her down and explain that her behaviour is inappropriate and offensive.

Maybe she's feeling under pressure because now the focus is on her and the money she earns. However, that doesn't give her the right to treat you like some sort of skivvy.

If I were you I'd make a list of all the times recently when she has done these things that hurt or offended you and then explain to her how that made you feel and more importantly how her actions made you feel. She may not realise she's doing it or she may be putting herself under so much psychological pressure that she can't see what she's doing. Also, I'm assuming that domestic life was her domain before you were made redundant so she's had to hand over running of the house to you and it seems she just can't let go and is micro managing it rather than taking a step back and leaving it to you.

Of course you she should be helping you out in the evening. You don't say whether you have children or not but either way she should be involved in the housework at some stage.

You're in a marriage and at the moment it seems you're in the 'for worse' stage but you need to speak up and say enough is enough.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I wouldnt even treat hired help like that!!!!

OP i might be out of order for asking, but i also feel its important to know, where the roles ever reversed at any stage in your relationship and this is now payback? Even if the answer is yes, she is still in the wrong (as would of you been back then).

What would happen if you didnt do all your chores etc?

Have you tried talking to her about it?

The roles were never reversed. When we met, I lived with my parents and she lived in a flat. She was always complaining about the cost of living in a flat compared to living at home. She made me feel guilty about it. She was always tight with money. Whenever I was calling around she would ring and ask "would you be an angel, I have no tights for tomorrow. Would you pick up a pair." After we moved in together I found a drawer with 50 unopened pairs of tights in it.
When we were applying for the mortgage I was amazewd to find out how much she was earning. She had always poor mouthed. She claimed that the figures on the P60 reflected a one off bonus and the payslips were fakes.
She insisted on equal divisions of chores with her in charge from the start. She always had her own money and would pass on all bills to me for payment. The only bill she was particular about was the mortgage. She made sure the payment came from her account.
I i did not do the chores she would just sit and abuse me and would give me no money for anything. She would just eat out before coming home.
She is a wonderful person when things are going her way but vicious when she does not get her own way.

Jumpy

Erm. Is your last post serious OP?

You are being ridden. Seriously ridden.

Fake payslips? Sole mortgage payer?

Barracudaincork

OP you are being systematically abused and controlled by your wife. As a man i can imagine that will be harder fact for you to swallow but its true im afraid.

This is not love, plain and simple! Love does not let you treat someone with such vicious contempt and disrespect.

God this post makes me so angry, im struggling to think straight right now, but i wanted to post so you knew that someone (actually i think a lot of people) thinks this is appauling beheaviour ASAP.

OP, why are you still with someone like this? If you say because you love her, then please tell me 5 things you love about her. Just so i can somehow get my head around why you would stay with a person like this.

SarahSassy

Why did you marry someone who treated you like that? Time to man up and grow a pair. She is treating you like muck and you are sitting taking it.

Barracudaincork

SarahSassy wrote: »

Why did you marry someone who treated you like that? Time to man up and grow a pair. She is treating you like muck and you are sitting taking it.

When you are being abused by someone you mightnt have the confidence to leave, which is why people stay in abusive relationships for so long. If this was a women being treated like this, would you tell her to man up and grow a pair?

The OP doesnt need another person bashing him, he needs understanding and support. Judging by other posts from you I am going to assume you are trying the cruel to be kind approach here, as your advice IMO has always been good.

SarahSassy

Barracudaincork wrote: »

If this was a women being treated like this, would you tell her to man up and grow a pair?

Well it would he hard to tell a woman to 'grow a pair' :rolleyes:

Its nothing to do with the sex of the abused. I would ask a woman the same thing. Why marry someone who is abusing you before you even tie the knot. You seem to bring everything down to the sex of the parties involved. Doesnt matter if he is a man or a woman he needs to stand up for himself and move out.

Barracudaincork

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well it would he hard to tell a woman to 'grow a pair' :rolleyes:

Its nothing to do with the sex of the abused. I would ask a woman the same thing. Why marry someone who is abusing you before you even tie the knot. You seem to bring everything down to the sex of the parties involved. Doesnt matter if he is a man or a woman he needs to stand up for himself and move out.

I do not bring "everything" down to the sex of the parties and i cant see why you say i do. However, I happen to acknowledge that how men feel when they are abused is different to how women feel, and visa verse if someone is in a good relationship, the male and female view point is different. You cannot ignore the fact that the different sexes do react differently to the same situation.

I also agree with you that he needs to move out, however i dont think telling him to man up is the way to go about it, Im sorry to offend you but that is bullying in my eyes. Sometimes what you think and what you should say are two different things.

SarahSassy

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Sometimes what you think and what you should say are two different things.

Thanks for telling me what I should say. Much appreciated

Nevyn

SarahSassy you have been warned before, take a month off from posting.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

username123

House Husband wrote: »

Whenever I was calling around she would ring and ask "would you be an angel, I have no tights for tomorrow. Would you pick up a pair." After we moved in together I found a drawer with 50 unopened pairs of tights in it.

Sounds like quite serious control issues here - what did she say when you found the drawer full of unopened tights?

The bottom line is that no person has the right to treat another person like a slave and control everything they do. But you get what you settle for, and if you want her behaviour to change, you will have to change your behaviour and stand up for yourself and not allow her to boss you around.

She may be the breadwinner but you are contributing to your household by doing chores, cooking etc...

barbiegirl

I'm giving the same advise I'd give a woman. Leave. Leave her with the house, and take only what you actually want. Ask you mum and dad can you move home for a while, or a brother, sister, cousin or friend.
Cut this woman out of your life. She will not change, she is an abuser. You deserve better.

Little Acorn

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP you are being systematically abused and controlled by your wife.

Couldn't agree more.
This woman's behavior just screams out domineering control freak.
To be honest,your posts make for quite uncomfortable and frightening reading.

Don't be fooled by her complaining about being the only one working.
She does not want you to have a paid job.
You mention that she throws "hissy fits" when you go for job interviews,because it messes up her "routine"
The only job she wants you to have is to serve her.

If you had a job you wouldn't be financially dependent on her anymore.
She obviously doesn't want this,as she seems to enjoy having this element of control over you.
I say this because you mentioned that if you "didn't do your chores" she would sit and abuse you and "give you no money for anything."
She's your wife not a mother punishing a naughty child,and has no right to treat you this way.

I seriously think you should seek some legal advice regarding the mortgage repayments coming solely from her account. I'm no expert on these things,but something seems very fishy about this especially as she is so insistent on it, and doesn't mind about the other bills.
I'm assuming that whilst you were working you payed for some(all?) of the mortgage,and if so you certainly don't have to leave a house that you have helped pay for!

Also I'd triple check to see if you are entitled to any social welfare payment,and wouldn't take anything she tells you about it as fact.

So many phrases you've used,and things you've mentioned in your posts,have all the signs that she is emotionally abusing and trying to demean you in every possible way.
Examples:
I have to get up in the morning before her and prepare her breakfast
.I have to sort out her clothes for the day in the bedroom.
.she expects me to walk to the shhops and carry everything home. (even though she passes them in her car)
.she expects me to have her dinner prepared.
.accuses me of wasting electricity and heating oil.
.she goes around criticising things I ahve done during the day
.how lucky I am to have her as otherwise I would be in the street. -An example of her trying to demean you.
.She makes comments like "what else would you be doing anyway".-Another attempt to demean you.
.She made me feel guilty about it.-messing with your emotions.
.her in charge from the start.-There shouldn't be one person in charge in a marriage. It should be equal.

If you read the above quotes from a friend,what would your advice be to them? I think it's fairly obvious that most people would say to leave,or else talk it through,or get marriage counselling,and if it didn't work-then leave.
Personally I don't think abusive people like this ever really change,but I don't know why your wife is the way she is-(maybe one of her parent's was like this?) so maybe she might be able to change.

"She is a wonderful person when things are going her way but vicious when she does not get her own way."
You are under no obligation to remain as her target of abuse,when things aren't going her way. You'll end up threading on eggshells,and having your life controlled depending on what mood she's in.
You deserve much better.

All the best,and I hope you manage to resolve these problems.:)

bronte

Op you are being treated like a slave.
This woman has absolutely zero respect for you.
Do yourself a serious favour and leave her.
Pack your bags, stay where you can till you get set up yourself.
This is no way to live. You deserve someone who treats you with the dignity and respect you deserve.

Of course she doesn't want you to get a job, if you do you will have independence from her and she has less control, you see?
Run now, and don't look back.

magneticimpulse

I dont think anyone deserves to be treated like this. You didnt mention any children? Do you have children? I can understand that then the role of House Husband is even more important in such as case, as it would be a full time job and more hours than what she would do. I know as my mam is a house wife. Her day is completely filled with washing, shopping, ironing, making dinner and then the process starts again.

If you have the courage to leave I would suggest so. However if you are compelled to stay in such a situation I would suggest:

First and foremost, try to discuss this. Tell her that keeping the home up and running is your job and that you do not interfere with the way she does her job on a day to day basis.
Can you try to limit the majority of shopping to a weekly shop? That way you can both go shopping and use the car.
You get skype phone instead of using land lines? It might be cheaper for making phone calls.
Shop around on the internet for cheapest companies for heating/electricity or anything you need done in house. Bargain the price.
I understand that if there is one salary coming in, the cost of things is important.
Does she not wash, iron her own clothes?
I understand how out of control things can get at home. In that I work Monday to Friday, long hours. Have to cook, wash clothes, clean whenever I am not at work. If I make an effort, it will take up a whole Saturday just doing that. Maybe you can plan to do some chores on Saturday morning and help each other, share responsiblity. Each evening is a stuggle to cook. Its possible she can survive and work all by herself. She should see that stress is reduced in her life, because you have been contributing to that.

I definitely think she has to have her own responsibilty over her things. Chores more balanced.

LegacyUser

My wife does not want to discuss anything. She says "I work outside the house,you work inside". She does not do any of her own laundry. I have to take all laundry to the utility room, wash it, press it and fold it and then put it back in the right places. If she finds anything which is not washed, pressed and folded absolutely perfectlt she throws it at me and screams at me until I apologise and do it properly.
Her brother is separated and I met his ex a few months ago. She said that getting maintenance out of him is almost impossible. The various family members are forever dissolving partnerships and moving assets around and it is impossible to discover how much money they have and where it is.
My wife is involved with some of her brothers financila affairs, but she never tells me anything about her or her brothers finances. I am sure she has big earnings because she is senior to some people in her firm who appear to have very good lifestyles.
When I pointed out the 50 pairs of tights to my wife she gave me a slap in the face(she can be quite violent) and said that she sometimes made mistakes about how many pairsd of tights she had and anyway she had paid me for all of them.
In reality she is very organised and knows where absolutely everything is. She made a pretence of looking for money to pay for the tights the first few times until I said "not at all". She would them give me a beaming smile.
My parents are dead, I have two brothers who live abroad and a sister who lives with her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment. I have nobody who would take me in penniless as I am. My wife doles out very small amounts of cash to me at a time. I have to beg for money to photcopy my cv and for stamps to post applications for jobs.
She plays golf on Saturdays and takes the car, so weekly shopping is out. I had to sell my car when my business folded and anyway I have no money to pay for insurance, tax and petrol.

She sounds like a wagon alright but we are only getting one side of the story. Are you pulling your weight around the house, OP? Getting up to make her breakfast is extreme, but a while ago I was living with an ex and not paying rent for a few months, due to an issue I was having with the revenue. I did pretty much all of the housework, cooking, shopping, everything, and I was working full time, more than my ex. I just felt like it was the least I could do since he was basically supporting me, and I still feel that way now. If I had had no job at all, I would have done even more, including washing his clothes and stuff. Why not? If he was providing almost all the income, why wouldn't I have done pretty much all the chores? You said she expects you to have dinner prepared, well, I don't see what's wrong with that. My parents expect me to have dinner prepared when I'm home all day and they're not. Who lets someone come in from work and start peeling vegetables? And she expects you to do the grocery shopping, well again, so what? So what if you have to walk, unless it's literally about 5 miles away? She might pass the shops in her car but why should she have to go shopping after work when you don't work? The fact you think these things are unreasonable makes me wonder.

If you have not exaggerated her cruel comments and the more ridiculous demands like laying out her clothes, it might be time to call it a day. But do think about why she might be behaving like this, if you say she isn't a cruel person. I have to admit, I can be pretty mean when I'm stressed and tired, and if I was working to support myself and someone else, I would expect chores to be done. It's just basic decency. If I came home and had to do housework while someone had been sitting in all day, I'd be snappy. It's possible that she is just a mean b1tch but since you asked for advice, this might be another perspective for you.

Silverfish

house husband wrote: »

When I pointed out the 50 pairs of tights to my wife she gave me a slap in the face(she can be quite violent)

No excuse for this whatsoever. None. I think you need to look at making preparations to set yourself up for leaving her.

Violence is not acceptable.

magneticimpulse

The story sounds worse now. I can become a very possessive obsessive woman and by god after reading this, id never like to become similar to your wife. You have to get out. Is your life worth living in a situation like this? No amount of money is worth staying for this. Your happiness is your freedom.

By no means does your wive have any right to slap you. Once she did it and got away with it, im sure she will do it over and over again. However you must not lower yourself to her level, do not become agressive yourself.

Is there hostel you can stay in until you get your life back on track financial wise? I would request a divorce from her. Maybe if you check up online if you would be able to claim some sort of finance settlement during the divorce. eg you were a married couple, who shared a home and you went compensation for the end of the marriage and walking away without a home?? You will have to ask your family members for a loan until you get things in order again. There are many women out there who would never threat a man like this. Its out of order.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I have always pulled my weight. I do not mind doing chores and of course the one who is at home should do the work. I had been hoping that this is temporary until I get a job. My wife has set rules for doing everything. Furniture must be dusted and polished on Wednesdays, windows cleaned on Thursdays. If I have to go for an interview she demands to know how the chores for that day are going to be done. It is a crime to put off cleanin g the windows by a day. She goes around running her finger over everything and screams if she finds any trace of dirt. If she comes across any dirt she claims that she is being forced to live in a flea pit.
I am worried about a divorce because she is so secretive about money. Her brother is a solicitor and would she fight like a jackal over everything. I used to work in a hostel once and it would frighten me to sleep in one with drug addicts and alcoholics.

Little Acorn

Her brother is a solicitor and would she fight like a jackal over everything.

I don't know the ins and outs of law regarding who gets what after a divorce,
but I always believed that once a married couple had a mortgage on a house together, that each was entitled to half.(Even if this meant selling the house)

I don't know if your house is in your joint names,and not sure if this would even affect the outcome.
This is a brief article I found on citizens information.
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/family_home
This seems particulary relevant:

the Family Law Act, 1995. The Act prevents one spouse from selling, mortgaging, leasing or transferring the family home without the consent of the other spouse. This protection is particularly important when the home is held in the name of only one spouse.

I think you should visit your local citizen's information office for more information,about the house but also about other objects-if you have receipts etc.
Also try to find out if you're entitled to free legal aid.

If I was you I would find out all this information for myself covertly,before approaching the option of divorce.
At least this way you will have more information about your rights,and be far better prepared than her.

The fact that she slapped you would be the final straw for me.
You need to start enjoying your life again,and even if god forbid you did lose out financially-at least you would be rid of her,have a chance to start over again and could go back to experiencing some happiness and freedom in your life.

Moomoo1

why are you so afraid of her getting angry? She's a woman. She's probably a head shorter than you and 30k lighter. Just let her scream at you and listen to her carefully and then say what Tony Montana said - 'you finished? Can I go now?'

I'd go on strike. Unless she stops insulting you and allows you more of a share in the family finances, don't do anything except the most basic chores. No dusting furniture, no cleaning, just do the cooking and the washing clothes. If she complains about the state of the house, tell her to hire a cleaner. And if you have an interview, tell her that you need 24 hours off to prepare. After all, doesn't she want you to get a job?

And also, if you have any money in your account, move it somewhere. Somewhere she can't get at. Frankly, you don't have much to lose in a divorce since she has most of the family capital?

LegacyUser

Little Acorn wrote: »

I don't know the ins and outs of law regarding who gets what after a divorce,
but I always believed that once a married couple had a mortgage on a house together, that each was entitled to half.(Even if this meant selling the house)

I don't know if your house is in your joint names,and not sure if this would even affect the outcome.
This is a brief article I found on citizens information.
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/family_home
This seems particulary relevant:


I think you should visit your local citizen's information office for more information,about the house but also about other objects-if you have receipts etc.
Also try to find out if you're entitled to free legal aid.

If I was you I would find out all this information for myself covertly,before approaching the option of divorce.
At least this way you will have more information about your rights,and be far better prepared than her.

The fact that she slapped you would be the final straw for me.
You need to start enjoying your life again,and even if god forbid you did lose out financially-at least you would be rid of her,have a chance to start over again and could go back to experiencing some happiness and freedom in your life.

OP said she always pays the mortage from her account. That may be a legal thing so house is in her name.
OP how long is this going on she sounds a psycho, I would rather take my chances with drug addicts

Sleepy

Flog everything of value in the house while she's at work some day and use it to set yourself up somewhere else.

Either that, or change the locks while she's at work and leave her clothes (including all 50 of those pairs of tights) in the front garden.

She's treating you like dirt because you're letting her. Your options aren't as limited as you think they are.

Little Acorn

unregistered wrote: »

OP said she always pays the mortage from her account. That may be a legal thing so house is in her name.
OP how long is this going on she sounds a psycho, I would rather take my chances with drug addicts

That is what I would worry about too,it seems that may be her intention.
I'm just going from this quote:

the Family Law Act, 1995. The Act prevents one spouse from selling, mortgaging, leasing or transferring the family home without the consent of the other spouse. This protection is particularly important when the home is held in the name of only one spouse.

I really hope that he still has entitlement to his home,and think there's a good chance he does.
He'll need to get some professional legal advice though.

strongbluebell

OP, well done for posting here. It takes courage and it's a first step in making things better.

The sort of emotional abuse you are suffering just saps your self esteem whether you are male or female, maybe even more difficult for a man to admit.

Have a look at this

http://www.amen.ie/

Maybe try giving their helpline a ring, you are not the first person to be in this situation.

LegacyUser

Little Acorn wrote: »

I really hope that he still has entitlement to his home,and think there's a good chance he does.

Hope so. can i ask why you think he has ? She was up to something by paying mortage from her acc and her brother, I think it is, is a solicitor ....