Friend with benefits scenario suddenly gone wrong

G.Terror

There's an awful lot of back story to this but I'll try to summarise as best I can. Apologies for the length but I really need advice on this.

I've had a sort of friends with benefits situation going on since the start of the summer. Basically she's a girl who really liked me in the past but I completely blew my chances with. We kept in vague contact and met up again in the summer. We basically meet up every couple of weeks; go to the pub, gigs, clubs and then go home together. I was reluctant to carry on with the sex because I really, really like her as a friend and really want her in my life and was afraid that our friendship would get ruined if it all fell to pieces - but I went ahead anyway because I really fancy her.

Anyway at first I just presumed she was using me for sex because I was around, but as time has progressed I thought she might be starting to actually like me. We text a good bit - send each other jokes in work, recommend albums etc. Everytime we hung out we seemed to be getting a lot closer.

Now two weeks ago we were texting on a Saturday night and she invited me over to cheer her up cos she had a bad day. Got on brilliantly as usual, but for a change lay in bed holding eachother for ages before we went to sleep, we fell asleep hugging as usual but every time we woke up during the night she would put my arms around her again and basically didn't let go of me all night. We spent the morning hanging out in her bed, her telling me about her family and friends, showing me loads of photos and then we got up and spent the rest of the day lying on the couch, arms around eachother watching tv and chatting to her housemates. It was all very coupley - strange for us, but really nice.

So everything was normal, texting during the week, then we went to a gig last week. I got a bit drunker than usual and when we got back to the house everything was a bit weird. There had been absolutely no physical contact at all during the evening which was playing on my mind a bit as I thought she was a bit off but thought she might just have been having a bad day. I stopped as we were about to have sex as I was tired and felt everything was a bit weird. She asked what was wrong and I said I didn't know. Then from what I remember I tried to kiss her or something and she stopped me and said something like "No you've made your choice might as well stick to your morals now" - which I didn't really understand. Next morning I was in a massive rush to get to work, a bit freaked out over what had gone wrong the night before - as we have never stayed over and not had sex and she said everthing was fine. I texted her later cos I'd left something in her house and she sent me a one line repsonse hours later - very strange for her.

Anyway I had a horrible feeling all week that something was wrong, just gut instinct. Last night was her work Christmas party which she had invited me to (again a good sign I thought as we never see eachother so often) and I went with a couple of friends. All seemed well during the night, she was chatting to my friends, everyone having a good time. Now I availed of the free bar a bit too much so my memory gets a bit sketchy but basically, my friends went home, I was left hanging out with her (don't remember this at all) and then we left to go back to hers. Once we got out on the street she started absolutely laying into me about how I never stand up for myself and how I shouldn't let people walk all over me. I was really confused and didn't have a clue what she was on about and asked for an explanation. She told me that I always run after her and all she has to do is click her fingers and I come running and that I let her walk all over me! Then she said that we should probably stop hanging out.

Now I woke up this morning severely hung over (fully clothed) in her bed. Eventually I woke her up and asked her what she was on about last night. She repeated what she had said again. I said I didn't understand at all and asked for further explanation. She said that she calls all the shots, makes all the plans, invites me to things and I just come running - which she doesn't like. This is true as she is the one that invited me to things - but I am quite laid back and take things as they come. Did she want me to say no when she invites me to things? I didn't want to get into any stupid game playing with this anyway. And it's not like she constantly has me running to meet her places, we only meet every 2/3 weeks and I didn't realise that I was meant to say no to things and see less of her to keep her liking me.

I just don't understand after everything being so fun and us having such a laugh together how this has suddenly happened. She wouldn't talk about it anymore this morning (not that either of us were really in any fit state) and she was really cold and distant - the way she used to be with me after I fecked everything up a year ago. I offered to walk her part of the way to work to ease my hangover and try to talk to her but she was being weird and wouldn't talk. I asked her if this was how it was going to be now, her back to being weird with me again - and she said yes. Then she said that she just doesn't really think she is into sex at the moment anyway. I said I'd leave her to her walk so as she clearly didn't want to talk to me. She gave me a hug and said "stand up for yourself" and away she went.

What is going on??? I am so gutted because she is usually the soundest girl ever and her friendship means an awful lot to me. Does standing up for myself now mean that I basically have to tell her to f**k off and never speak to her again? Because I don't want that. But I just don't understand where her outburst suddenly came from.

mbren

Hi Op,

My only advice for you in your situation is break contact and cut your losses. That girl will continue to wreck your head.

If you don't contact her in the coming weeks, I guarantee you she will be looking to hook up with you again...it's a thing i'll never understand about girls, but don't show them much attention and they will come looking for you. It mystifies me completely.

Sorry, if this post is no good to you, but as i said, I think you'd be best off cutting this girl loose.

Merry Christmas

Gyalist

I'll repost this post that I made in response to a similar scenario:

OK, here are some basic rules to follow to reduce the chances of relationship drama.

* See her only once a week. Break this rule and she is your GIRLFRIEND.

Don't be ambiguous about the relationship status.

No dates (i.e. dinner, movies, etc). If you do she is your girlfriend.

No sleepovers. Never stay the night. Regardless of if your are drunk, tired or she begs you to. If she's at your place, ask her to leave. Oxytocin is a bitch. Be warned.

Never text/call her except to arrange your trysts. Calling/texting for random chats is verboten. She is not your girlfriend.

Don't answer/ask personal questions. She is not your girlfriend so it's none of her/your business.

If you have reason to be together in public, there is to be no Public Display of Affection.

If you follow the above and she still wants to upgrade the relationship status tell her "let's just be friends". Don't try to get her to change her mind as the longer the relationship goes on the worse it is likely to end and it will also destroy all chances of remaining friends with her and her social circle. You don't "break up" in this sort of relationship. Breaking up is reserved for your girlfriend.

Hopefully this will help you to see where you went wrong.

miec

Hi Op

I am a woman and to be honest I don't understand her behaviour either so I am at a loss but some thoughts spring to mind from your post.

You give mixed messages in the post, you make out like its a friends with benefit thing but also how you are both coupley. That you liked her last year in a romantic way but just want her friendship after messing things up.

The thing is you need to be clear with yourself what you want from this girl, was the friends with benefits a way of shifting it from that to a romantic relationship?

If you fancy, like or could love the girl romantically then admit that to yourself and give up the friends with benefit guff. Then tell her you want a relationship with her, if she says no, then the friendship is over.

If you want to have her friendship, you cannot have sex with her. I personally don't think friendship and sex can work.

I say this because I was friends with a man and he wanted more from me, he was a nice man but he had issues and I didn't want to take them on board, but we had sex from time to time and I feel guilty because I couldn't offer him more than that and I always knew if I was feeling horny that I could ring him and have sex pretty much every time. I was wrong to do that because it was not mutual.

Another experience was a man who I was friends with, there was no intimacy as I wasn't attracted to him but he used the friendship as a way of moving us into a relationship and eventually I had to stop the friendship. I say these things because this could be the case for you.

You sound lovely and caring, you deserve better for yourself, be straight with yourself and ask what do you want, then decide to base your actions on that, either way you will probably lose her as a sex partner or as a friend but you will be honest with yourself.

Telling a girl Im not free or doing that mind game stuff is a waste of time and if she is into that, personally I'd walk on.

Viperbot

Hey,
Had a similar thing happen to me during the summer with a girl I had known for years. She was down to earth, loved music, yada yada. Long story short, she liked to play games of the mind and being 4 years older than her I saw right through it and confronted her with it and she wasnt impressed. So, we are now just friends, well she txts and I dont reply and the msgs come fairly often...sigh. Do yourself a favour and drop this bird like a bad habit. Trust me, you will be better for it .

seahorse

She sounds like a bit of a nut-job to be honest. If this is the "soundest girl ever" I think you need to get out there and meet a wider variety of people. I'm sorry and I don't mean to be flippant or rude but this is just the way I see it. Her actions are not rational and nor are they the behaviours of a friend.

Gyalist

seahorse wrote: »

She sounds like a bit of a nut-job to be honest. If this is the "soundest girl ever" I think you need to get out there and meet a wider variety of people. I'm sorry and I don't mean to be flippant or rude but this is just the way I see it. Her actions are not rational and nor are they the behaviours of a friend.

Have to disagree with you. Her behaviour is completely rational in the light of facts as laid out by the OP. It's the OP's behaviour that is causing the dissonance.

LegacyUser

I don't know what this woman is up too. It doesn't seem to make any sense. but it seems fairly clear that she's being a pain in the arse. It comes across like she has no real respect for you at all.

I think you should break contact with her at least for a while. I think it's highly likely in this situation that she'll contact you soon enough, trying to get you back. In this situation I highly recommend that you tell her where to go. She's a head wrecker and I think it's likely that she always will be.

If you really feel like you want to remain friends with her, I suggest that you put all ideas of any romantic or sexual relations out of your mind. I can see this ending very messily otherwise.

stackerman

Sounds like she is just pissed off that your not being more proactive. Shes looking for more and your not moving with it. If you like her try to move thing along, if not let it go.
Sounds like your not gona have it both ways with this one

dublingal80

as much as i dont agree with how she yelled at you after the night out, i tried to put myself in her situation to understand why she is the way she is and it sounds like she likes you a lot, she is always clicking her fingers and you come running and you basically do whatever she wants. Its like she wants to be able to chase you, she wants you to start arranging things instead. no offence but you you said yourself you are laid back, very easy going so she is pulling allt he strings but its like she wants you to grow a pair and act like a man and treat her like a lady, like someone you care about.

If you do like her and you do want to be with her talk to her!! be honest with her. Tell her that you do like her, you want to be with her. Tell her to put on her best dress as you are taking her out for dinner

Blackpitts

hey OP
break the contact with her, if she asks for an explanation tell her that you don't agree with what she meant during your last serious talk and you don't have time to explain yourself and the way you behaved during your "dates".
If she insists, tell her that you were just being easygoing while she thought that you couldn't stand up for yourself, since you want to have just fun with her this is not fun now anymore.
Don't be more specific, try to be very cold and indifferent, if she lets you go it means that she was not worth your effort....but i reckon she wants to be treated mean by you...it's the usual stupid mind game that some girls play to test if you have a strong personality.

best of luck

LegacyUser

By the sounds of things you are a bit confused about what you want from her, but for you to post on here and say what you have said it sounds like you would like to be a bit more than friends.

If you do, why dont you get tickets for something you know you will both enjoy, ring her and say you thought about what she said and tell her she is going with you.

If what she said really is the problem, then she deserves to give you a chance. If she rejects you, there is something else going on and it might be ebst to leave it be.

LegacyUser

I think it's quite clear what's going on here. She's decided that she wants to have a proper relationship with you, but she's frustrated that she's the one making all the running while you just seem to want to let things drift along as they are. She knows you fancy her, she's given all the signals by acting more like a couple with you recently. Because it seemed to go over your head, she snapped.

If it isn't too late already, I'd lay my cards on the table with her and tell her what you want.

G.Terror

Thanks for the responses so far guys.

I forgot to mention that it's not like I never suggested things for us to do. I was the one who invited her to the gig last week and I also suggested that she should come to Dublin for a visit sometime - to which she told me that she had a weekend off in January so maybe. I had invited her on nights out twice before, but once she was working and once she was on holidays.

Also meant to say that we have tickets to a gig next week so presume we are going to that. It is one of our favourite bands so there is no chance that I am not going to go. I just have no idea how it is going to go or what I am meant to say...

If it turned out that she liked me and just wanted me to have more balls...is me doing that because she told me to not just bowing to her wishes even more?

dublingal80

you asking her to come up to dublin sometime isnt really suggesting anything to her. again she has to plan it and come up to see you.

If you have this gig coming up with her, why dont you give her a bell and say you are calling her to remind her that the gig is coming up and if she fancied going for a bit to eat soemwhere before hand you can book something.

Girls like to be looked after soemtimes, to be treated and spoiled and to have some surprises.

kenbrady

anonposter wrote: »

I think it's quite clear what's going on here. She's decided that she wants to have a proper relationship with you, but she's frustrated that she's the one making all the running while you just seem to want to let things drift along as they are. She knows you fancy her, she's given all the signals by acting more like a couple with you recently. Because it seemed to go over your head, she snapped.

If it isn't too late already, I'd lay my cards on the table with her and tell her what you want.

I reckon it's this too.
You need to be more assertive, take charge and make some decisions.

Call her, tell her the way things are at the moment is finished. You want her as a proper girlfriend (not I love you). Book a table somewhere for Saturday night, say you'll be there at 8 for your first official date.
Then don't contact her, ignore her calls and just go to the restaurant.

BobbyOLeary

I'd disagree with the posters previous to this saying she's a headwrecker and that you'd be better off without her. The problem here, as I see it, is that you didn't really act as a man in the relationship (which is what it was, no F+Benefits situation ends up cuddling on the couch). You said you're laid back, she'll see that as lazy and not assertive.

You've fallen into the trap that some men get of liking or loving someone and being afraid of offending them in any way. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean saying no to her requests just for the sake of it, instead it means that you should be taking HER out sometimes, you should be calling HER for sex.

I am quite laid back and take things as they come.

I just read this again. Take things as they come? What does that even mean? You just let things happen and hope they go well? No wonder she doesn't want to go out with you, a relationship needs two people, not one person doing everything while the other sits around being "laid back". I don't mean to be abusive but you've really got to cop yourself on and be a man.

If you like this girl go for it, don't faff about waiting to see if she'll do everything, that's not fair on her. Ask her out, make plans, call over to her, ring her up, just do something.

Wagon

You made plans sometimes, hung out with her and by the sounds of it were really sound to her as well. And then she starts going on about how you aren't assertive or a real man...

I don't get her logic either, but if i was you i wouldnt waste my time trying. she sounds like she doesnt know what she wants and regardless of what anyone says thats one of the most frustrating things in any kind of relationship.

magneticimpulse

how far from dublin does she live?

G.Terror

magneticimpulse wrote: »

how far from dublin does she live?

We actually both live in the same city in the UK. The idea being that we would each visit the cities each other grew up in and give the grand tours.

magneticimpulse

G.Terror wrote: »

Thanks for the responses so far guys.

I forgot to mention that it's not like I never suggested things for us to do. I was the one who invited her to the gig last week and I also suggested that she should come to Dublin for a visit sometime - to which she told me that she had a weekend off in January so maybe. I had invited her on nights out twice before, but once she was working and once she was on holidays.

Also meant to say that we have tickets to a gig next week so presume we are going to that. It is one of our favourite bands so there is no chance that I am not going to go. I just have no idea how it is going to go or what I am meant to say...

If it turned out that she liked me and just wanted me to have more balls...is me doing that because she told me to not just bowing to her wishes even more?

this story sounds familar. did we used to date until the end of this summer in a long distance relationship and im coming back to dublin next week?? or am i just being paranoid. the whole thing sounds familar.

G-Money

I haven't read all the replies but she sounds like a total and utter head f**k. I don't know if I'm just becoming cynical or what, but I'm really becoming a lot less tolerant of people and their bulls**t.

From the outside looking in OP, I'd tell her to do you a favour and get lost.

Taltos

grandmaster wrote: »

I haven't read all the replies but she sounds like a total and utter head f**k. I don't know if I'm just becoming cynical or what, but I'm really becoming a lot less tolerant of people and their bulls**t.

From the outside looking in OP, I'd tell her to do you a favour and get lost.

You know I agree with this.
I just wonder from her viewpoint are you the one playing the games?
But from what you have written I know I would just be so frustrated right now I would have to just walk away for a while to find some sanity again.

G.Terror

magneticimpulse wrote: »

this story sounds familar. did we used to date until the end of this summer in a long distance relationship and im coming back to dublin next week?? or am i just being paranoid. the whole thing sounds familar.

Nope we definitely didn't!

magneticimpulse

sorry about that. my ex broke up with me on a forum over the summer. so ive no idea what he would do and thought you were him.

he has this really close friend in belfast. he was working in dublin and living in the belfast with this really close female friend in which they went to gigs and stuff etc etc. he only went back to belfast every now and again. and when he did this girl was working. he spent alot of time at hers and they went to galway recently. i just felt sick when i was reading your thread, thinking he was taking the piss out of me on forum again especially since im coming back to dublin next week and I know he is really close to this girl. your story seemed so messed up i seriously thought it was him.

ive really had too much crap happen this year. bring on 2010

magneticimpulse

so how did you blow it with this girl? if she really liked you?

if you live in the same city, how come you only see each other once ever 3 weeks?

G.Terror

magneticimpulse wrote: »

so how did you blow it with this girl? if she really liked you?

if you live in the same city, how come you only see each other once ever 3 weeks?

It's a very long story. I basically lied to her about something big, she found out and decided that I wasn't trustworthy.

We see eachother once every three weeks because we are both really busy and also thinking about it now, because I didn't want to seem like I was chasing after her. I was trying to be casual and not seem overly bothered and so let her invite me to stuff. Also because I have run after girls too much in the past and since this was very clearly defined as a "friends with benefits" thing I think I was afraid of ruining it by being around too much.

This thread has definitely woken me up to a few possibilities. I do need to be more assertive. I think I've been a fecking idiot about this whole situation. I don't know if it is too late now though. I think I am going to try the idea of just telling her that we are going out somewhere, setting a date for it and just doing it.

Dord

To me it seems that while this started off as FWB it evolved yet it wasn't clear to you that this happened. It looks like she had a different idea of what you two were than you did.

You need to explain this to her and determine if you want to give it a go properly. If she accepts it and is willing to give it a go then put some more effort in.

G.Terror

Just an update guys...

Text her today telling her what time to meet me at for the gig and got a response saying cool "but lets just go as friends yeah so there's none of the weirdness?"

So what I am getting from that is that there is absolutely no way she wants more from me?? I actually felt a bit sick. Have definitely realised over the last day or two that I really did want more.

How am I meant to act around her now? Do I not mention the whole thing at all? It seems like trying to take control and asking her on out on a date would be embarrassing as she has clearly implied she definitely doesn't want that?

Ah God.

magneticimpulse

She sounds like she is just stringing you along. Maybe some people can do the friends thing. But ive never had a friends with benefit. The only time i did, it was with an ex, we split up, but continued to see each other as "friend with benefit". It never works out if you want more. I mean you seem to get on together in bed. I figure she has met someone else and is keeping a distance with you. Normally thats what friends with benefits are. They are not actually people you would date and its just an intermediate until someone you find attractive comes along. I figure she has found someone else and you are back up

Chucky the tree

G.Terror wrote: »

Just an update guys...

Text her today telling her what time to meet me at for the gig and got a response saying cool "but lets just go as friends yeah so there's none of the weirdness?"

So what I am getting from that is that there is absolutely no way she wants more from me?? I actually felt a bit sick. Have definitely realised over the last day or two that I really did want more.

How am I meant to act around her now? Do I not mention the whole thing at all? It seems like trying to take control and asking her on out on a date would be embarrassing as she has clearly implied she definitely doesn't want that?

Ah God.

Jesus. Just grow a pair of balls and ask her out already. Either ring or text and ask her if she'd like to dinner before hand as a date. Imo it's time man up and take the plunge. Ask if she wants to go to dinner before hand as a date or something. If she says no and she wants to be friends then tell her you can't go to the concert or hang out anymore. Since you like her this much it's time to cop on and realize that if she doesn't like you as a potential boyfriend then she'll eventually find someone she does and you'll either get your p45 then or you'll just have to watch go out with some other fella which I presume would be extremely annoying if you like her as much as you do. It's either left or right, I don't really see how you can continue down this road without getting burnt horribly.

Wagon

Ask her to be more and explain to her you wearn't sure where thigns were. There's two things that can happen.

1) She says Yes. Happy days. You know where you stand and you can be a couple.

2) She says No. **** one but you don't owe her a thing now. So you dont have to be friends with her if you don't want to.

If she's a bitch to you at any point, then maybe its best to leave the friendship completely. I think she's handled this thing badly myself and i really think she's also playing games here too. You don't want a bird like that. Trust me.

Taltos

Along with the others in terms of just laying your cards on the table - just do one more thing - do NOT text...

Texts are too easy to use / abuse and even easier not to the get the real message across. A phone call is bad enough - no body language - but a text has no tone of voice, no giggles, no just F*ck off and die tones.

Agree with Wagon though - she is playing - so did you. This might go nowhere - but - you want it to - so pick up the phone and have the chat or in a few years you might still be wondering what went wrong or what did you miss out on.

She might shoot you down - but she might just say yes and surprise you both - but when you start off the conversations set her expectations - let her know you want to stop playing around and want her to know that you really like spending time with her.