For someone to say they hate...

james.xix

I've been seeing my girlfriend for 8 months. I'm 27 and she's 25.

I like her, she seems honest but she is immature.

If we have an argument or a disagreement, she always winds up shouting while I remain calm.
Generally she shouts when she gets frustrated because she's wrong about something or has done something stupid but tries to cover it up or not deal with it.

I ended our relationship in September because I was fed up of her, what I would see as immature ways. It was something we had talked about a few weeks before and she acknowledged but nothing changed and I just had enough of our relationship as it was.

There were a number of reasons I finished things:
She was fussy.
Always wanted more.
Break promises where I would always put us first.
She got lazy at times and seemed to expect me to do things for her.
I'd have none of it and would say fair is fair, I'd then be accused of being lousy to her.
She'd pass comments on me not being mannerly when she was in no position to talk herself.

The day I finished things, after begging me not to end it and saying how she loved me, she left by slamming a door saying she could not give a f*ck about me anyway and that she hates me.

We got back together a few weeks later after apologies from her, I'd given her a list of things that I wasn't happy about, she had asked for that. She asked me to give us another chance so that we can try again and that she accepted why our relationship finished because of the way she was and how she appreciates how I always treat her right.

Last week we had a mini argument, I was going to say something but I stopped short because I didn't feel the time was right.

She kept after me then to say what I was going to say. I asked her just to let it go but she didn't. I said how it was something nice and to trust me that I'd prefer for the time to be right to say it.

She didn't leave it drop anyway and then said she hates me.

That really ruined the evening anyway, didn't feel like talking much for the rest of the evening after that.

It's been bugging me all week that she would say that, I could see why in Sept but last week just irritates me.

I've told her yesterday I'm not happy about it. She says she didn't mean it and said it because she was frustrated.
It's like the same story prior to when we broke up, she'd get upset and start shouting and saying crazy things.
I'd never get caught up in that as I've learned myself it achieves nothing.

We haven't been in contact since i texted my disgust was obvious last week and she replied she knows it was.

I think it's a very strong thing to say and still am not happy/over it.

I'd appreciate general advice, aware it's down to me at the end of the day.

What do ye think?
Am I over reacting by being bothered by it.
For someone to say they hate you, especially in a relationship, where does that stand in bad things to do to someone.

Thank you for your time to read this.

G-Money

She sounds like a spoilt little girl who when she doesn't get her way, stamps her feet around and storms off.

I think you could do worse than to just leave it to be honest OP.

krudler

I'd have no time for that **** to be honest, anyone who screams and says they hate you is acting like a 4 year old, if she cant be part of a grown up relationship then she shouldnt be in one

santana75

I know its easy for me and for everybody else to say this because we're not the ones emotionally involved, but you gotta end this relationship. Its not good for your health to be involved with someone as volatile as that. When the heat is on and the pressure is up, thats when you really get to see a persons true character. She sounds all nice and dandy when things are going her way but when things get a little wonkey she looses her composure and regresses to being a child. No matter what you say to her she wont change, you cant turn this around. Shes the only person who can change herself. And to do that is a lot of work, she needs to develop self awareness so that she can can catch her behavior before its gets out of control and then she needs to work on changing those habitual reactions. Like I said, its hard work and not many people are willing to sort themselves out and do this kind of work on themselves. But she needs to do this, you cant. All you can do is look after yourself. And sometimes that means walking away from situations, recognising that no matter how much you want to, you cant fit a square peg into a round hole.
I know its tough to walk away from people youre emotionally involved with but at the same time you have to make decisions that protect you and your health.

Wibbs

I have to agree with the other posters Im afraid. She's acting like an emotional child with a side order of entitlement. Not so good. Could be for all sorts of reasons. At 25 it's clear life hasn't knocked the edges from her yet. It may never do so.

Some people seem to need a level of emotional excitement to be "happy" and if they dont get the healthy kind they'll take the unhealthy kind in it's stead. Emotional junkies basically.

It affects both genders, but IMHO and in my experience more women display this. Maybe because they're less likely to be called on it(especially by men) or it's somehow "expected"(again especially by men). Men acting like this usually don't stay that way for long. Both their own gender and especially the women in their lives simply won't put up with it. And they're right. It shouldn't be expected behaviour either. Among the most emotionally stable and consistent people I know there are more women than men.

She also sounds very self centred which added to the above will make your life a right pain when this guff kicks off(as it has).

If you are deeply emotionally linked to her and you know deep down you feel you can't leave her, you may be able to tone her down. Basically by changing your responses to her. You say you remain calm? Well that's good. Fair play, many wouldnt. I'd go further. As she's acting like a child, then you have to treat her like one when she acts like this. So as well as being calm, remove yourself entirely from her when she acts like this. Do not reward her behaviour. By reward, I mean don't engage her in any way. Don't ask her what's wrong, don't apolgise except where you are actually at fault, don't ask her how you can change to help her and never raise your voice. Simply say "I understand you have an issue, so I'll leave. Call me when you want to talk calmly and as equals in this relationship". Then leave. Do this calmly and with respect for her. Show her you do respect her but only when she is acting in a mature and respectful way towards you. Reward her for good behaviour. Be her partner, friend and lover when she is acting like one towards you.

While possibly doable, that's a helluva lot of work though. Frankly I personally wouldnt be bothered. There is a whole world full of women out there and the majority of them are not like this. Why be with one that is? BTW If you even begin to think she's the best you can get, trust me you would be very wrong. In that world of women out there, there are better looking, more intelligent and better women for you. If she doesn't get that, then that's her loss.

magneticimpulse

I dont agree with any of the other posters above, plus its from mens perpestive. now for womans perspective. im 28 and my ex dumped me in august/september over similar thing. however the 1st 7 months of relationship were alright. he was a bit pushy and when i went out on a girls night, he would have to come along. i went through with everything because i really liked him, but he just never gave me space. then one day he decided he was moving to belfast, moved in with 2 girls and i never met any of these or his new friends. his best mate started dating one of the girls there and that made it even harder to break into the circle of friends. he would also buy bikes, cars, sell stuff. of course he was free to do whatever he wanted. but i was FRUSTRATED, because he had to meet all my friends and do stuff with them, but when he made new friends he wouldnt let me meet them.

i was and still am a very calm person and with my friends i can definitely say im not a sploit brat. but he seemed to just always twist things, so i looked like the bad guy. anyway....my point is was your relationship ok to begin with? did anything dramatic change for her to become so frustrated? at no point did you put any of the blame on yourself!!! your mr. charming, mr.wonderful. but i dont think you are (my ex came across like that i rang my friends and parents to tell them i was a nutter, my parents told him to never contact them again). you could be a very contolling person. you have to also look at yourself as to why YOUR making her frustrated. why is she always wrong? maybe she is right now and again? you gave her rules (my ex did the same). i followed the rules, but it still wasnt up to his standard. im extremely attractive, have as high education as you can go, great job, sporty etc but i still never lived up to my ex's standard. i think you should find less faults in your girlfriend and look to yourself. because even if you dump her, i think you might have similar problems with next girlfriend. has this happened with previous girlfriends? my ex always went on about how he got into "fights" with his ex girlfriends. i however never had fights with ex's. it could be just you.

magneticimpulse

grandmaster wrote: »

She sounds like a spoilt little girl who when she doesn't get her way, stamps her feet around and storms off.

I think you could do worse than to just leave it to be honest OP.

dont agree...think OP has not mentioned much about himself. he might not be the mr.charming he making himself out to be

magneticimpulse

krudler wrote: »

I'd have no time for that **** to be honest, anyone who screams and says they hate you is acting like a 4 year old, if she cant be part of a grown up relationship then she shouldnt be in one

dont agree either. ive been in same experience. i want to get married, have kids. im definitely ready for grown up relationship....just some guys out there are kids and think they are always right. really frustrates me issues like this...that blokes make out the girl has some issues when its prob the guy who is twisting things and starting the fire

magneticimpulse

santana75 wrote: »

I know its easy for me and for everybody else to say this because we're not the ones emotionally involved, but you gotta end this relationship. Its not good for your health to be involved with someone as volatile as that. When the heat is on and the pressure is up, thats when you really get to see a persons true character. She sounds all nice and dandy when things are going her way but when things get a little wonkey she looses her composure and regresses to being a child. No matter what you say to her she wont change, you cant turn this around. Shes the only person who can change herself. And to do that is a lot of work, she needs to develop self awareness so that she can can catch her behavior before its gets out of control and then she needs to work on changing those habitual reactions. Like I said, its hard work and not many people are willing to sort themselves out and do this kind of work on themselves. But she needs to do this, you cant. All you can do is look after yourself. And sometimes that means walking away from situations, recognising that no matter how much you want to, you cant fit a square peg into a round hole.
I know its tough to walk away from people youre emotionally involved with but at the same time you have to make decisions that protect you and your health.

i agree she has to work on herself, but i do believe she can change for the better. how many relationships has she been in??? my ex was my 1st serious relationship...i had 8 months relationship, however he had 8 years of long term relationships. how can you expect someone like me to know exactly what to do with the relationship experience of a 17 year old! i spent time on studies and career. so OP's girlfriend might be similar. maybe she just doesnt have as much experience as OP in relationships. should she be wrote off completely for that reason?? she has to learn and if she is willing to, then i think everyone deserves a chance

magneticimpulse

Wibbs wrote: »

I have to agree with the other posters Im afraid. She's acting like an emotional child with a side order of entitlement. Not so good. Could be for all sorts of reasons. At 25 it's clear life hasn't knocked the edges from her yet. It may never do so.

Some people seem to need a level of emotional excitement to be "happy" and if they dont get the healthy kind they'll take the unhealthy kind in it's stead. Emotional junkies basically.

It affects both genders, but IMHO and in my experience more women display this. Maybe because they're less likely to be called on it(especially by men) or it's somehow "expected"(again especially by men). Men acting like this usually don't stay that way for long. Both their own gender and especially the women in their lives simply won't put up with it. And they're right. It shouldn't be expected behaviour either. Among the most emotionally stable and consistent people I know there are more women than men.

She also sounds very self centred which added to the above will make your life a right pain when this guff kicks off(as it has).

If you are deeply emotionally linked to her and you know deep down you feel you can't leave her, you may be able to tone her down. Basically by changing your responses to her. You say you remain calm? Well that's good. Fair play, many wouldnt. I'd go further. As she's acting like a child, then you have to treat her like one when she acts like this. So as well as being calm, remove yourself entirely from her when she acts like this. Do not reward her behaviour. By reward, I mean don't engage her in any way. Don't ask her what's wrong, don't apolgise except where you are actually at fault, don't ask her how you can change to help her and never raise your voice. Simply say "I understand you have an issue, so I'll leave. Call me when you want to talk calmly and as equals in this relationship". Then leave. Do this calmly and with respect for her. Show her you do respect her but only when she is acting in a mature and respectful way towards you. Reward her for good behaviour. Be her partner, friend and lover when she is acting like one towards you.

While possibly doable, that's a helluva lot of work though. Frankly I personally wouldnt be bothered. There is a whole world full of women out there and the majority of them are not like this. Why be with one that is? BTW If you even begin to think she's the best you can get, trust me you would be very wrong. In that world of women out there, there are better looking, more intelligent and better women for you. If she doesn't get that, then that's her loss.

all women are emotional...some just had a few more relationship experiences to deal with it better. some just got relationships straight off and never had any problems. others are left with meeting the wrong men and things just going wrong. ive spent years in the company of women and i know we are not so different from one another. ive never met a woman who remained calm all the time, i could safely say all my friends who are 90% calm, can blow a fuse!!! this is true for all women, due to our DNA we are made emotional. i would hazard a guess that this is OPs girlfriends 1st serious relationship and if so, i think she is just finding her feet. she is caught between teenager and adult in this relationship, because thats where her experience is. i dont think she should be faulted for that. we all had to start out at some time in relationships. i wouldnt say he can get better...i miss my ex a lot. i dont want any other man in the world. maybe OP really likes her, maybe she could be the one...so there might not be other people for him. she needs to do a sport to let out her anger. go hiking, spinning class whatever. dont treat her like a child. because i think thats the way you have done so far. she is an adult, treat her like an adult. just say you understand "her point of view". too much focus that she is right or wrong!! cant you not just let her have her opinion, even if its different to yours??

good luck, i wish more guys were understanding as you. i wish my ex was more understanding as you

Gyalist

james.xix wrote: »

For someone to say they hate you, especially in a relationship, where does that stand in bad things to do to someone.

Thank you for your time to read this.

It's nowhere near the worst thing that she could do to you. You trigger strong emotional reactions from her for some reason. If she really hated you she'd be apathetic towards you and you know it by her actions and not just by her words.

Undischarged sexual energy is often at the root of these extreme reactions.

Also, the reason for trigger for these flareups is usually a failure of communication. I note that you said that she seems to lose it when you point out that she is wrong about something. Women do not communicate the same way as men. I'd bet that you are calmly laying out logical facts to her. She doesn't hear that, she hears the implied criticisms and that is probably why the arguments start.

Also, you said that your last communication with her was by text!! WTF?? That is the worst possible way to sort out a disagreement.

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

all women are emotional

As are men. As a general thing though we tend to express it differently. Men tend to separate "thoughts" from "emotions", though in my humble they're one and the same just from a different angle. Both approaches have merit too. I would like to able to plug into that instant "gut" thing that many woman have. Very useful at times.

...some just had a few more relationship experiences to deal with it better. some just got relationships straight off and never had any problems. others are left with meeting the wrong men and things just going wrong.

Oh true, relationships do take practice and like anything else some are better off the bat than others. That said how one is a person makes the difference. No woman, nor man for that matter acts OTT for no reason or without figuring this works in the past. If the OP's description is truthful, she didn't lick this behaviour from a stone. It has worked for her in the past with her dealings with others, parents, friends, previous men. A calm man or woman, even if they have no experience of relationships are not going to deviate much from that calmness, when faced with a new emotional puzzle to solve. OK your ex seems to have been a control freak and of course that wound you up, but your basic personality while naturally more cautious now, is likely not that different than before you met him.

ive spent years in the company of women and i know we are not so different from one another. ive never met a woman who remained calm all the time, i could safely say all my friends who are 90% calm, can blow a fuse!!!

You could say the same for guys too. Hell, I've blown more fuses than the elsectric chair in my time:)

this is true for all women, due to our DNA we are made emotional.

A bit, but I would also say it's nearly as much nurture as nature. While both genders as an average have different approaches, how we express those approaches can often be our surroundings. If someone has been spoilt as a child, well they will naturally carry that into adulthood, for the best reason. It worked for them. Regardless of gender too.

i would hazard a guess that this is OPs girlfriends 1st serious relationship and if so, i think she is just finding her feet.

Maybe, but again I would say that if his description is accurate, she is lashing out and acting waaaay younger than her 25 years would suggest. How has she gotten this far by acting like this?

i wouldnt say he can get better...i miss my ex a lot.

i dont want any other man in the world. maybe OP really likes her, maybe she could be the one...so there might not be other people for him.

Well I dont believe in the "one". Not in a world of 6 odd billion people anyway. Objectively we can always find someone better, if a current person is not fulfilling our emotional needs. Goes for her too BTW.

dont treat her like a child. because i think thats the way you have done so far. she is an adult, treat her like an adult.

I agree 100%, but only when she is acting like one. Indeed when he is acting like one too. First the OP should look to himself. I defo agree 100% with you on that.

just say you understand "her point of view". too much focus that she is right or wrong!! cant you not just let her have her opinion, even if its different to yours??

+1

Gyalist wrote: »

It's nowhere near the worst thing that she could do to you. You trigger strong emotional reactions from her for some reason. If she really hated you she'd be apathetic towards you and you know it by her actions and not just by her words.

+1

Undischarged sexual energy is often at the root of these extreme reactions.

and emotional energy. Often they're one in the same too.

Also, the reason for trigger for these flareups is usually a failure of communication. I note that you said that she seems to lose it when you point out that she is wrong about something. Women do not communicate the same way as men. I'd bet that you are calmly laying out logical facts to her. She doesn't hear that, she hears the implied criticisms and that is probably why the arguments start.

+1 again. Three for three:)

Also, you said that your last communication with her was by text!! WTF?? That is the worst possible way to sort out a disagreement.

While I'm not as anti txts as some and tey can be useful because of their brevity, I agree that was a bad move alright.

james.xix

santana75 wrote: »

I know its easy for me and for everybody else to say this because we're not the ones emotionally involved, but you gotta end this relationship. Its not good for your health to be involved with someone as volatile as that. When the heat is on and the pressure is up, thats when you really get to see a persons true character. She sounds all nice and dandy when things are going her way but when things get a little wonkey she looses her composure and regresses to being a child. No matter what you say to her she wont change, you cant turn this around. Shes the only person who can change herself. And to do that is a lot of work, she needs to develop self awareness so that she can can catch her behavior before its gets out of control and then she needs to work on changing those habitual reactions. Like I said, its hard work and not many people are willing to sort themselves out and do this kind of work on themselves. But she needs to do this, you cant. All you can do is look after yourself. And sometimes that means walking away from situations, recognising that no matter how much you want to, you cant fit a square peg into a round hole.
I know its tough to walk away from people youre emotionally involved with but at the same time you have to make decisions that protect you and your health.

Thanks for your reply.
I know it’s not good to be involved with someone volatile. That’s the problem, when the heat is on, she even said last week herself she got frustrated, there’s a nasty side to her.
I have tried to reason with her. She accepts and says I’ve been fair with her and I’ve never gone off shouting or saying stupid things.
She’s tried stupid things to get me in an argument so she’d have the higher moral ground but I haven’t been drawn in, think I’ve learned a bit in life to know how to keep calm and talk to someone.
I’ve told her she has to change, it sounds that family and friends have said the same to her.
I’ve told her she needs to get to know herself and control her behaviour, she says she know she needs to work on in but I’ve heard a lot of times from her that she has just said things in the heat of the moment and does not mean it. I’ve always said back it’s all well and good in the heat of the moment I haven’t been shouting or saying stupid things.
I had to take a long hard look at myself before and have calmed down, this is why I’ve given her time and a chance because I have been like that but I was 20 and had to learn and have thankfully.
I am looking after myself, that’s why I ended things in September. I looked out for her when we split because it did hit her hard. She had her head in the sand as if everything was ok when it clearly wasn’t even though I had talked about things which were not right.

“I know its tough to walk away from people youre emotionally involved with but at the same time you have to make decisions that protect you and your health.”
Your right with that and that’s where I am now. Will be down to my own gut feeling as to what I do.

james.xix

Wibbs wrote: »

I have to agree with the other posters Im afraid. She's acting like an emotional child with a side order of entitlement. Not so good. Could be for all sorts of reasons. At 25 it's clear life hasn't knocked the edges from her yet. It may never do so.

Some people seem to need a level of emotional excitement to be "happy" and if they dont get the healthy kind they'll take the unhealthy kind in it's stead. Emotional junkies basically.

It affects both genders, but IMHO and in my experience more women display this. Maybe because they're less likely to be called on it(especially by men) or it's somehow "expected"(again especially by men). Men acting like this usually don't stay that way for long. Both their own gender and especially the women in their lives simply won't put up with it. And they're right. It shouldn't be expected behaviour either. Among the most emotionally stable and consistent people I know there are more women than men.

She also sounds very self centred which added to the above will make your life a right pain when this guff kicks off(as it has).

If you are deeply emotionally linked to her and you know deep down you feel you can't leave her, you may be able to tone her down. Basically by changing your responses to her. You say you remain calm? Well that's good. Fair play, many wouldnt. I'd go further. As she's acting like a child, then you have to treat her like one when she acts like this. So as well as being calm, remove yourself entirely from her when she acts like this. Do not reward her behaviour. By reward, I mean don't engage her in any way. Don't ask her what's wrong, don't apolgise except where you are actually at fault, don't ask her how you can change to help her and never raise your voice. Simply say "I understand you have an issue, so I'll leave. Call me when you want to talk calmly and as equals in this relationship". Then leave. Do this calmly and with respect for her. Show her you do respect her but only when she is acting in a mature and respectful way towards you. Reward her for good behaviour. Be her partner, friend and lover when she is acting like one towards you.

While possibly doable, that's a helluva lot of work though. Frankly I personally wouldnt be bothered. There is a whole world full of women out there and the majority of them are not like this. Why be with one that is? BTW If you even begin to think she's the best you can get, trust me you would be very wrong. In that world of women out there, there are better looking, more intelligent and better women for you. If she doesn't get that, then that's her loss.

Thanks for your reply as well. She is acting like an emotional child. I’ve given her a lot of chances and have talked to her about it. She accepts what I’ve said as well, when things are ok it’s grand but if things are any way bad in the heat of the moment she’ll crack.
Your right as well, at 25 she really should no better. Obviously there are things I like about her but when there’s seems to be too many reasons like September when I had enough, I know what to do.

She’s not really self centred, does get lazy and take things for granted, but she does a lot as well and makes an effort which is nice.

I left her before, my gut feeling then was it was the right thing to do. I didn’t have any regrets but when she asked to give us another go and she accepted here flaws, which her family and friends say to her as well, it’s not just me, I did decide I’d give things this one more go.

Been alright these last 6 weeks as well until she said she hates me last week.

I do remain calm, I’ve learned enough in life not to get involved or react.

I’ve done all that you suggested in the second last paragraph with regards not rewarding bad behaviour and not to engage her and not asking what is wrong or apologising unless I’m at fault. She was crying one time that I would probably break up with her and that I deserved better. I didn’t engage too much on that but she didn’t get any sympathy. Spoilt child is right.

She was unnerved once that I get on well with mother and sister in that when I’m at home I’m treated well.

I have shown her I do respect her if she acts in a mature and respectful way. The penny does not seem to have dropped.

Your right as well, it is possibly doable, I guess in love or a relationship one has to give someone a chance, talk to them and see if they can work things out. I’ve tried all that now down to my gut and feelings as to whether I can go on with this.

I know there are better women out there, I’ve no doubts on that. If she can’t grow up, our relationship won’t work.

santana75

james.xix wrote: »

Thanks for your reply as well. She is acting like an emotional child. I’ve given her a lot of chances and have talked to her about it. She accepts what I’ve said as well, when things are ok it’s grand but if things are any way bad in the heat of the moment she’ll crack.
Your right as well, at 25 she really should no better. Obviously there are things I like about her but when there’s seems to be too many reasons like September when I had enough, I know what to do.

She’s not really self centred, does get lazy and take things for granted, but she does a lot as well and makes an effort which is nice.

I left her before, my gut feeling then was it was the right thing to do. I didn’t have any regrets but when she asked to give us another go and she accepted here flaws, which her family and friends say to her as well, it’s not just me, I did decide I’d give things this one more go.

Been alright these last 6 weeks as well until she said she hates me last week.

I do remain calm, I’ve learned enough in life not to get involved or react.

I’ve done all that you suggested in the second last paragraph with regards not rewarding bad behaviour and not to engage her and not asking what is wrong or apologising unless I’m at fault. She was crying one time that I would probably break up with her and that I deserved better. I didn’t engage too much on that but she didn’t get any sympathy. Spoilt child is right.

She was unnerved once that I get on well with mother and sister in that when I’m at home I’m treated well.

I have shown her I do respect her if she acts in a mature and respectful way. The penny does not seem to have dropped.

Your right as well, it is possibly doable, I guess in love or a relationship one has to give someone a chance, talk to them and see if they can work things out. I’ve tried all that now down to my gut and feelings as to whether I can go on with this.

I know there are better women out there, I’ve no doubts on that. If she can’t grow up, our relationship won’t work.

Personally I would have no time for people saying nasty things in the heat of the moment and backtracking later, claiming they didnt mean it. Words have power, they can cut deep wounds and those wounds dont magically heal when someone comes back to you a few hours later trying to retract what they said. And nasty words from people close to you cut twice as deep. It doesnt matter if somebody else tells you that you shouldnt take what she says so literally or you shouldnt be so sensitive. Thats for them to say about themselves, not you. Your reaction is your reaction and its as valid as anybody elses. So when she says she hates you and it cuts you up then thats the way it is and you gotta decide whether or not you'd like to be around someone who would speak to you in such a way as to affect you in a negative manner. You come across as a decent bloke James whos got a good head on his shoulders so I have no doubt you'll do your absolute best in this situation.
Good luck

james.xix

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I dont agree with any of the other posters above, plus its from mens perpestive. now for womans perspective. im 28 and my ex dumped me in august/september over similar thing. however the 1st 7 months of relationship were alright. he was a bit pushy and when i went out on a girls night, he would have to come along. i went through with everything because i really liked him, but he just never gave me space. then one day he decided he was moving to belfast, moved in with 2 girls and i never met any of these or his new friends. his best mate started dating one of the girls there and that made it even harder to break into the circle of friends. he would also buy bikes, cars, sell stuff. of course he was free to do whatever he wanted. but i was FRUSTRATED, because he had to meet all my friends and do stuff with them, but when he made new friends he wouldnt let me meet them.

i was and still am a very calm person and with my friends i can definitely say im not a sploit brat. but he seemed to just always twist things, so i looked like the bad guy. anyway....my point is was your relationship ok to begin with? did anything dramatic change for her to become so frustrated? at no point did you put any of the blame on yourself!!! your mr. charming, mr.wonderful. but i dont think you are (my ex came across like that i rang my friends and parents to tell them i was a nutter, my parents told him to never contact them again). you could be a very contolling person. you have to also look at yourself as to why YOUR making her frustrated. why is she always wrong? maybe she is right now and again? you gave her rules (my ex did the same). i followed the rules, but it still wasnt up to his standard. im extremely attractive, have as high education as you can go, great job, sporty etc but i still never lived up to my ex's standard. i think you should find less faults in your girlfriend and look to yourself. because even if you dump her, i think you might have similar problems with next girlfriend. has this happened with previous girlfriends? my ex always went on about how he got into "fights" with his ex girlfriends. i however never had fights with ex's. it could be just you.

Thanks for your reply as well. If I’m wrong or need to change I’m all ears, when I broke up with her and we were talking one day, I aksed her it must be something I’ve done but she says no.
I can assure you, don’t usually talk up myself, but I am mature enough to know what’s important and right in a relationship.
My gf has says it’s great how I can keep calm and she likes that I make an effort.
She’s accepted she’s immature and needs to grow up. She puts in on frustration of being out of work and living at home for the time being.
From talking with my gf, advice I’ve given to her to genuinely help her have been given to her by her mother, sisters and friends.
I’ve said if she doesn’t want to listen to me, her family and friends surely giving her the same advice must be for a good reason.

I’m not twisting things anyway, I just talk to her straight up I do with everyone. She’s says it’s one of the things she likes about me and how I don’t play games or anything like that.

Our relationship was ok at the start. We had a talk one time where we agreed we were commited and exclusive with each other. We seemed to be there anyway but it was good to talk about it one night.
After that then though she seemed to be come lazy and expect me to do things. When I would talk to her about it then she’d say I was lousy and not treating her right. She’d say a lovely bf would do this and that. Bought her breakfast one morning and she started complaining about how I put down my fork and knife when I finished. She wouldn’t let it drop then and kept going on about it. A week later when we talked about it she accepted she was out of line.

She tends to get picky over little things, she seems to be trying to shape me into some sort of perfect gentleman when she’s no lady. I think it’s fair I’m the way I am and she’s the way she is. We are our own person at the end of the day. Unless doing something which is not nice or wrong towards someone I don’t see what’s wrong.

I’m not controlling I can assure you, I live by fair is fair. I would to something to someone that I wouldn’t like done to me. I’ve genuinely given her advice to help her as have her family and friends. She accepts it as well, she blames the heat of the moment for things she does. She says I’m like her sister that I can keep calm and that she admires that in me as well.

I did not give her rules, she wanted a list of things that were bugging me when we broke up. I gave her a list of things then that happened that I was not happy with and as to how I had enough with that and broken promises at times.

She didn’t have anything to look for from me. It hurt her when we broke up because she was well aware I had treated her right.

I am mature enough and know enough to be involved in a committed relationship. I haven’t before going back a few years but I have grown up in that regard.

I’m not trying to be cocky now or anything but there are a few women who want to get involved with me because I am seen as sound, genuine and honest. If people don’t treat me right, I don’t see how or why I should put up with it.

I have looked to myself and am not looking for faults in my gf. She’s does stupid things though, is immature and acts spoilt.

She seems to feel threatened by my mom and sister. We were home at my parents place in the summer and it bothered her how well I was treated.

She threw that at me when we split that I’m so well looked after by them that I have too high standards or something. I talked this one out with her. I told her simply that I look out for my family and they tend to for me. I told her how I look out for her as well and she accepted it and realised she was barking up the wrong tree altogether.

This has not happened with previous girlfriends. Things with other girls didn’t work out for one reason or another. When things finished with my girlfriend in September before we got back together, I didn’t have any regrets. I treated her well, was honest, when things were rocky, I kept calm, I talk to her, we live in different towns, I met her one time half way when I had had enough and we seemed to be finished and talked things out with her. He seemed we could move on together and enjoyed the Coldplay gig together. After a talk a day or two later when she broke a promise to me, she lost her cool again and was throwing her toys of the pram.

I don’t tend to get into fight either, I don’t hide things and do talk.

It’s not me, if it was I’d put my hands up.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

dont agree...think OP has not mentioned much about himself. he might not be the mr.charming he making himself out to be

I think I have mentioned more now.
I don't claim to be charming but I know how to treat people and what's important and right in a relationship.
I'd want to at my age, I see people who aren't and can see why their relaitonships don't work.

I've always believed attitude is important. In my relationship with my gf I believe I've had a good attitude but hers can be bad.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

dont agree either. ive been in same experience. i want to get married, have kids. im definitely ready for grown up relationship....just some guys out there are kids and think they are always right. really frustrates me issues like this...that blokes make out the girl has some issues when its prob the guy who is twisting things and starting the fire

I'm ready for a grown up relationship as well I can assure you. My gf however, I have doubts. She wants kids and marriage but not so sure she's in a good place. She for herself more than anything needs to grow up.

I genuinely want her to for herself more than anything.

P.S. I haven't been starting any fire. I know what's right or wrong. Things by her are not right for a grown-up relationship. I've tried helping her for her not for me, that's how genuine I've been.

james.xix

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i agree she has to work on herself, but i do believe she can change for the better. how many relationships has she been in??? my ex was my 1st serious relationship...i had 8 months relationship, however he had 8 years of long term relationships. how can you expect someone like me to know exactly what to do with the relationship experience of a 17 year old! i spent time on studies and career. so OP's girlfriend might be similar. maybe she just doesnt have as much experience as OP in relationships. should she be wrote off completely for that reason?? she has to learn and if she is willing to, then i think everyone deserves a chance

It doesn't come down to experience though.

There's a right and wrong way to treat people. She really does need to grow up, even her family and friends are saying so.

She's not been written off completely. She said her break up might have been the wake up call she needed but the old bad habits are there.

She says she hates me. How bad is that?

james.xix

Gyalist wrote: »

It's nowhere near the worst thing that she could do to you. You trigger strong emotional reactions from her for some reason. If she really hated you she'd be apathetic towards you and you know it by her actions and not just by her words.

Undischarged sexual energy is often at the root of these extreme reactions.

Also, the reason for trigger for these flareups is usually a failure of communication. I note that you said that she seems to lose it when you point out that she is wrong about something. Women do not communicate the same way as men. I'd bet that you are calmly laying out logical facts to her. She doesn't hear that, she hears the implied criticisms and that is probably why the arguments start.

Also, you said that your last communication with her was by text!! WTF?? That is the worst possible way to sort out a disagreement.

Your right, texts are bad, we're in different towns and started texting about it.

I need space for the moment to gather my thoughts. If she calls I'll talk to her. If not I will call her later on so that we can talk.

magneticimpulse

reading your response

Wibbs

james.xix wrote: »

It doesn't come down to experience though.

There's a right and wrong way to treat people.

Agreed.

She really does need to grow up, even her family and friends are saying so.

Yep, but that tends to happen at people's own pace.

She's not been written off completely. She said her break up might have been the wake up call she needed but the old bad habits are there.

Well to be fair to her for a second it won't be overnight either.

She says she hates me. How bad is that?

Not very. I agree with Gyalist on this. Plus I think you're being too literal. If she hated you she wouldn't be around you. It's a word. Shouted in frustration. End of. Don't be too quick to take it literally.

While magneticimpulse has mentioned that women tend to be emotional and at the extreme of the gender spectrum that could well be said to be true. At the male end literalism and (so called) logic and overly linear thinking is their burden at times. Far more men present with asberger type conditions where that literalism is very strong. They view life like a post on here without smilies. The emotional nuance is lost.

Now of course I'm not saying you're at that level:), but from how you're coming across and I may be getting this completely and utterly wrong, you appear more at that linear literal end. She said she hates me = she hates me. She said or did something wrong = I'll tel her this after all its not an emotional attack its a statement of fact. That kinda thing. Obviously I'm exaggerating this for effect. That could freak someone, especially a woman at the other end of the gender spectrum no end. It feels to her you're not listening to her. You're hearing the words, but not getting the intention behind those words. So what does she do? Escalates to the point of saying something like I hate you to try in extremis to get her point across.

This makes less and less sense to either of you as this escalates. Now maybe you're just not suited. I could see where a more direct woman would fit with you better and a more nuanced man would fit more with her. Clearly you're very willing to put in the effort from what you've posted, so maybe take a different tack. For a fortnight, try not commenting on what she does wrong. Even if she does something wrong. Ignore it. If she gets up a head of frustration then difuse it but just listening to her. It doesn't have to make sense, she's just letting off the release valve. If it gets too heavy then like before, calmly and nicely remove yourself from her. Call her(dont text her) later, and continue as before the high emotional point. Maybe that could work?

magneticimpulse

sponse

well the way i see it...from my own experience again. my ex was trying to give up smoking, id ask how it was going and he would get really angry and say that he doesnt like to hear about smoking because it makes him want to smoke....

for me...my "moods" were similar. i was absolutely fantastic and then due to work pressure, going on the pill,period or whatever i would have a moody day. we were long distance, so even if i was great all month...he would only see me for a weekend. then he would joke i was hot and cold, then it became i was bipolar, then it became i had personal behaviour problem. he was then telling me to take mood stabilizers and how i needed professional help. he phoned my parents saying i was going to hurt myself. anyway it was all nonsence. because he became so wrapped up in something which i didnt even have. he made a big issue out of something which could have just been PMT. i can tell you this. he was not a professional doctor, he had no right to say i had a mental illness problem. i did however go for professional help. they too confirmed that i did not need medication of any sort and the conclusion was that my long distance, on off, see him, then not see him life was a rollarcoaster. it was not smooth. this had an effect on my moods. plus i was taking on huge studies and living in foreign country. can you see my point? that my boyfriend focused so much on this issue. whereas smoking i was never allowed to mentioned. i think you need to stop making an issue about it. let her sort herself out. you are interferring with her becoming a better person. its her responsibility not yours. you say her family say such and such...again dont interfer with family, your not married to her and even married couples dont get that involved with couples. you talk about how your family treat you so well...and she might not have had the same experience. but you make out well thats because you deserve that and she doesnt. it comes across that she doesnt deserve to be treated that way. that sounds like you rubbed things in her face. im not saying she is going about things the right way. but im saying my situation sounds so similar and i know im not a sploit brat. you also said she broke a promise!! these are rules you know, and most people break rules...goes back to school days. it does come down to experience. i learnt not to get angry over porn mags. would it bother me now? no. why? because i learnt from relationship experience. is this her 1st serious relationship? is this your 1st serious relationship? you also say you have girls interested in you, thats totally cocky. are you in this relationship because you want revenge and wreck your girlfriends head or because you love her??

communication is key. stop reminding her of her faults. let her decide for herself when she is bad. my ex always made big issue of little things i did wrong, it built up that i was some sort of devil evil person when i can assure you im not.

magneticimpulse

completely disagree...relationship experience is key.

come on, give us the answer. is this her 1st serious relationship?
is this your 1st serious relationship?

im figuring you have more experience then her in relationships...come on prove me wrong. give us the answer

magneticimpulse

Wibbs wrote: »

Agreed. Yep, but that tends to happen at people's own pace.
Well to be fair to her for a second it won't be overnight either.

Not very. I agree with Gyalist on this. Plus I think you're being too literal. If she hated you she wouldn't be around you. It's a word. Shouted in frustration. End of. Don't be too quick to take it literally.

While magneticimpulse has mentioned that women tend to be emotional and at the extreme of the gender spectrum that could well be said to be true. At the male end literalism and (so called) logic and overly linear thinking is their burden at times. Far more men present with asberger type conditions where that literalism is very strong. They view life like a post on here without smilies. The emotional nuance is lost.

Now of course I'm not saying you're at that level:), but from how you're coming across and I may be getting this completely and utterly wrong, you appear more at that linear literal end. She said she hates me = she hates me. She said or did something wrong = I'll tel her this after all its not an emotional attack its a statement of fact. That kinda thing. Obviously I'm exaggerating this for effect. That could freak someone, especially a woman at the other end of the gender spectrum no end. It feels to her you're not listening to her. You're hearing the words, but not getting the intention behind those words. So what does she do? Escalates to the point of saying something like I hate you to try in extremis to get her point across.

This makes less and less sense to either of you as this escalates. Now maybe you're just not suited. I could see where a more direct woman would fit with you better and a more nuanced man would fit more with her. Clearly you're very willing to put in the effort from what you've posted, so maybe take a different tack. For a fortnight, try not commenting on what she does wrong. Even if she does something wrong. Ignore it. If she gets up a head of frustration then difuse it but just listening to her. It doesn't have to make sense, she's just letting off the release valve. If it gets too heavy then like before, calmly and nicely remove yourself from her. Call her(dont text her) later, and continue as before the high emotional point. Maybe that could work?

apart from the relationship experience i agree.

ive spent many years in all girls school...went to university, still mainly girls. ie the only men i knew were my brother and father. now at 28 im meant to have a clue about men? im sorry but i put my hand up and say sorry, but my sex education in school didnt prepare me for this situation. sorry but hours on end in the library studying chemistry, didnt help me figure out the male species. if you both have more then 8 months experience...then its easy for you to say relationships dont need experience. i however am a total noobie. the french tell me skiing is easy...they can because they did it since they were 5 years old. however i had to start on the baby slope, and even ski onto the car park!! id say chemistry is easy, but everyone might not find that true.

yes women dont always mean things. my ex also took me literal. he would take it that i told lies, but i didnt. id say they would be 8 million at some event. he say thats not possible. id check, it would be 3 million, but big number. then im the one who told a lie etc. he said of course if people say something they mean it. women in PMT etc say alot of things they dont mean.

agree about dont point out her "behaviour problem". like i mentioned about giving up smoking. if you remind her about it all the time, she will never improve. its like an addiction too.

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

completely disagree...relationship experience is key.

come on, give us the answer. is this her 1st serious relationship?
is this your 1st serious relationship?

im figuring you have more experience then her in relationships...come on prove me wrong. give us the answer

OK lets ease of on badgering the OP. He has no reason to answer any questions he doesnt want to. Thanks.

magneticimpulse

well point taken. relationship experience is key and if you are comparing 8 months against 10 years, yes there is going to be a difference in the way people handle things

james.xix

magneticimpulse wrote: »

sponse

well the way i see it...from my own experience again. my ex was trying to give up smoking, id ask how it was going and he would get really angry and say that he doesnt like to hear about smoking because it makes him want to smoke....

for me...my "moods" were similar. i was absolutely fantastic and then due to work pressure, going on the pill,period or whatever i would have a moody day. we were long distance, so even if i was great all month...he would only see me for a weekend. then he would joke i was hot and cold, then it became i was bipolar, then it became i had personal behaviour problem. he was then telling me to take mood stabilizers and how i needed professional help. he phoned my parents saying i was going to hurt myself. anyway it was all nonsence. because he became so wrapped up in something which i didnt even have. he made a big issue out of something which could have just been PMT. i can tell you this. he was not a professional doctor, he had no right to say i had a mental illness problem. i did however go for professional help. they too confirmed that i did not need medication of any sort and the conclusion was that my long distance, on off, see him, then not see him life was a rollarcoaster. it was not smooth. this had an effect on my moods. plus i was taking on huge studies and living in foreign country. can you see my point? that my boyfriend focused so much on this issue. whereas smoking i was never allowed to mentioned. i think you need to stop making an issue about it. let her sort herself out. you are interferring with her becoming a better person. its her responsibility not yours. you say her family say such and such...again dont interfer with family, your not married to her and even married couples dont get that involved with couples. you talk about how your family treat you so well...and she might not have had the same experience. but you make out well thats because you deserve that and she doesnt. it comes across that she doesnt deserve to be treated that way. that sounds like you rubbed things in her face. im not saying she is going about things the right way. but im saying my situation sounds so similar and i know im not a sploit brat. you also said she broke a promise!! these are rules you know, and most people break rules...goes back to school days. it does come down to experience. i learnt not to get angry over porn mags. would it bother me now? no. why? because i learnt from relationship experience. is this her 1st serious relationship? is this your 1st serious relationship? you also say you have girls interested in you, thats totally cocky. are you in this relationship because you want revenge and wreck your girlfriends head or because you love her??

communication is key. stop reminding her of her faults. let her decide for herself when she is bad. my ex always made big issue of little things i did wrong, it built up that i was some sort of devil evil person when i can assure you im not.

I’m not a professiona doctor either nor do I claim to be. Her sister and her partner are counsellors, they’ve talked to my gf about some of the things I have.
I’m not accusing her of a mental illness, just of having a bad attitude at times and being immature.

I don’t want to focus on my gf’s bad points nor do I. For two months she was the way she was, if something happened, I say something on it and leave it at that. I wasn’t going to make a big issue out of nothing. When there were too many things building up and she was getting out of hand, something had to give.

I’ve always tried to talk to her, she was shouting at me on the street one day and I walked on ahead and talked when she had calmed down. Then tried talking to her rationally but to no avail. She’s accepted herself she’s out of line. You should trust her on that.

I do not interfere with her family. She was interfering with mine if anything and I had to explain how it was not a good thing the way she was.

I get on with my family and she does with hers. There is no issue there. What seems to bother her is, she knows I’m treated better by my mom and sister. It’s not something that I rubbed in her face. I was just at home as normal but she seemed not so happy by it.

The promise was not a rule. I nearly finished our relationship. I could not see how we could go on. She promised me she would go somewhere with me, it wasn’t something I had asked for but I saw it as something positive to work on. When she didn’t and changed our plans and started making lies for why she did it was the start of the end in September. When she cancelled our plans she even asked: “Am I a bitch for what I have done?” I didn’t really answer that but the fact she asked says it all. She was being a bitch though. One time before we met she promised she wouldn’t be like a bitch anymore. I could believe what I was hearing, sure enough the promise she made was not kept anyways.

I’m in the relationship because I like the girl. I’ve told her often I’m my own man, she’s her own woman. It’s not my place to be telling her she should be this or that. It is down to her, I have said that. I’ve genuinely given her advice for her benefit. If you have any doubts on the advice I’ve given, your right it’s not my place to get involved in family, but her friends and family who do care for her as well have given her the same advice I have.

I don’t remind her of her faults. Your right it’s down to her to decide when she is bad. She does tend to stick her head in the sand and believe everything is alright.

I went to finish one weekend and dropped all her stuff back to her. I agreed later that week I’d meet as she wanted to talk. She had convinced herself I wanted our relationship to continue.

I don’t make issues of little things. Most of my relationships have been very straight up. I’m my own man, any girls are their own woman. I wouldn’t dream of nor would I dare putting shackles on anyone.

I’m sure you are not an evil person magneticimpulse. I don’t claim my gf is evil. She is immature though, she had more relationship experience than I have, at her age she should no better.

I’m supposed to be her bf and that’s all I wanted to be, not anything esle like a counsellor or anything else, I can assure you on that.

I’m not trying to be cocky but there are 2 or 3 girls around who’re interested. Friends of ex’s like me as well. That’s not been cocky, I’ genuinely am genuine and honest. Some people like it other don’t.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

completely disagree...relationship experience is key.

come on, give us the answer. is this her 1st serious relationship?
is this your 1st serious relationship?

im figuring you have more experience then her in relationships...come on prove me wrong. give us the answer

It's neither of ours 1st serious relationships.

She's had more experience than I've had.

We've had a similar number of relationships.

She's gone as far as moving in and living with someone for a while.

Her sister and her partner are both counsellors. They've talked to her about some of the stuff that I've had.

james.xix

magneticimpulse wrote: »

well point taken. relationship experience is key and if you are comparing 8 months against 10 years, yes there is going to be a difference in the way people handle things

Well I'm not running away from anything and think I've answered the questions you have asked.

Thank you for the repsonse as well.

The way you were treated was bad, you seem to be a nice person and deserve better.

I'm not being bad to my gf.

I've been patient, honest and forgiving amongst other things.

Sometimes enough is enough, someone can only put up with so much. That's where I am. I know it's down to me and her if our relationship will work.

Thanks once more for your replies.:cool:

iguana

OP some of what you've written doesn't sit right with me. All of the posts about 'rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad.' That's Supernanny talk. This girl is you girlfriend not your toddler. Parents teach toddlers like that because they are young children and do not have the intellect or capacity for empathy that adults have. You can't treat a compis mentus adult that way, it shows a horrible level of disrespect.

It's also completely self-defeating because humans have a tendency to act as we are treated. It sounds like a vicious circle is going on. Without knowing the facts it's all a bit chicken and egg, but from your version of events it sounds like she acts childishly, you treat her like a child and the behaviour escalates, on both your sides.

In general we have relationships because we are looking for a partner. If you know you and this woman can never have a relationship of equals then you should end things. If however you think that is possible for you to have that type of relationship then you both have to work on it. Treating her like a child will only perpetuate the cycle and both of you need to end the cycle if you want things to work out.

james.xix

iguana wrote: »

OP some of what you've written doesn't sit right with me. All of the posts about 'rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad.' That's Supernanny talk. This girl is you girlfriend not your toddler. Parents teach toddlers like that because they are young children and do not have the intellect or capacity for empathy that adults have. You can't treat a compis mentus adult that way, it shows a horrible level of disrespect.

It's also completely self-defeating because humans have a tendency to act as we are treated. It sounds like a vicious circle is going on. Without knowing the facts it's all a bit chicken and egg, but from your version of events it sounds like she acts childishly, you treat her like a child and the behaviour escalates, on both your sides.

In general we have relationships because we are looking for a partner. If you know you and this woman can never have a relationship of equals then you should end things. If however you think that is possible for you to have that type of relationship then you both have to work on it. Treating her like a child will only perpetuate the cycle and both of you need to end the cycle if you want things to work out.

I'm not looking to be a nanny or anything like that.
I don't treat her like a child either.

I've told her she tends to let herseld down which she does.

Your are right as well, if it's not a relationship of equals it is doomed.

metrovelvet

Ok. If she is behaving like a child and you want to therefore treat her like one do the exact same thing that parents do to their kids when their kids tell them they hate them.

Child: "I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Parent" "Well I love you anyway,"

But if you want to get this back onto adult/adult you need to hold her accountable for her words. Be open with her about the way it makes you feel when she says that. Then ask her why she gets so mad when she doesnt get what she demands immediately.

One of the challenges of adult love is learning not to let Demand needle its insidious little fingers into your dynamic. Im an old lady and I still have to learn this, I learn it all the time, its a process, we all struggle with our inner toddler.

metrovelvet

iguana wrote: »

OP some of what you've written doesn't sit right with me. All of the posts about 'rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad.' That's Supernanny talk. This girl is you girlfriend not your toddler. Parents teach toddlers like that because they are young children and do not have the intellect or capacity for empathy that adults have. You can't treat a compis mentus adult that way, it shows a horrible level of disrespect.

It's also completely self-defeating because humans have a tendency to act as we are treated. It sounds like a vicious circle is going on. Without knowing the facts it's all a bit chicken and egg, but from your version of events it sounds like she acts childishly, you treat her like a child and the behaviour escalates, on both your sides.

In general we have relationships because we are looking for a partner. If you know you and this woman can never have a relationship of equals then you should end things. If however you think that is possible for you to have that type of relationship then you both have to work on it. Treating her like a child will only perpetuate the cycle and both of you need to end the cycle if you want things to work out.

I want to give this post ten thumbs up.

I totally agree with this soooo much. If she is acting like a child treat her like one? did you ever hear such bad advice? NO way. Then she will continue to act like a child and you will be a parent. No. You want to get it adult-adult.

james.xix

metrovelvet wrote: »

Ok. If she is behaving like a child and you want to therefore treat her like one do the exact same thing that parents do to their kids when their kids tell them they hate them.

Child: "I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Parent" "Well I love you anyway,"

But if you want to get this back onto adult/adult you need to hold her accountable for her words. Be open with her about the way it makes you feel when she says that. Then ask her why she gets so mad when she doesnt get what she demands immediately.

One of the challenges of adult love is learning not to let Demand needle its insidious little fingers into your dynamic. Im an old lady and I still have to learn this, I learn it all the time, its a process, we all struggle with our inner toddler.

I am not looking at treating her like a child.
Not was that the suggestion put across by the person who posted earlier.
I have tried to hold her to account for her words.
She says she gets frustrated and says things in the heat of the moment.
I am being open with her on the way I feel.
I’m not demanding anything. I think I treat people right, most people not what is right, wrong or not acceptable/appropriate behaviour.

james.xix

metrovelvet wrote: »

I want to give this post ten thumbs up.

I totally agree with this soooo much. If she is acting like a child treat her like one? did you ever hear such bad advice? NO way. Then she will continue to act like a child and you will be a parent. No. You want to get it adult-adult.

It’s a good point but the wrong impression has been picked up here.
I’m not treating anyone like a child. I’ve tried to reason with her.
It bothers her that I always seems to have the answers. She complained once that I’m always right and that it’s not fair.
I’ve tried to explain it’s not about being right, I look after her, am fair honest as I would with anyone in general.
She said a few weeks ago she’d like to do something one day that would shock me or be impressed by. I’m not looking for anything like that at all. I said to her as always she should do things for herself that she wants, she is her own woman. She’s out of a job. I’m encouraging her with that and have helped her with her CV. She appreciated that and seems ok but has a habit of doing something childish.
I’ve never seen any woman like it to be honest.

iguana

james.xix wrote: »

I am not looking at treating her like a child.

When you make a conscious effort to "reward the good and ignore the bad" you are treating her like a toddler. If my husband tried that tactic with me I would explode with frustration and hurt. It's mean, disrespectful and pointless.

metrovelvet

james.xix wrote: »

It’s a good point but the wrong impression has been picked up here.
I’m not treating anyone like a child. I’ve tried to reason with her.
It bothers her that I always seems to have the answers. She complained once that I’m always right and that it’s not fair.
I’ve tried to explain it’s not about being right, I look after her, am fair honest as I would with anyone in general.
She said a few weeks ago she’d like to do something one day that would shock me or be impressed by. I’m not looking for anything like that at all. I said to her as always she should do things for herself that she wants, she is her own woman. She’s out of a job. I’m encouraging her with that and have helped her with her CV. She appreciated that and seems ok but has a habit of doing something childish.
I’ve never seen any woman like it to be honest.

There was a lot of advice that said if she was actine like a child treat her like one. Reward/ignore or rewar/punish [reward/ignore then could turn into associations of not gettin attention as equated with punishment] is parental behavior.

Unregistered39

Hi OP,

I'd like to reiterate the comments of the posters who feel you're overdoing the parent/child thing. Actually I think you're acting less like a parent and more like a counsellor. I am normally a very easy-going, rational person but my ex knew how to yank my chain like you wouldn't believe. He just never reacted to anything! He could also be very passive-aggressive, which I'm getting definite vibes of from you. It got to the stage where I would just provoke him to try to get any sort of a reaction. I also told him a couple of times in the heat of the moment that I hated him. I didn't, but I was so frustrated that he seemed to be incapable of having an argument, battling it out and then letting it all blow over. Every couple argues; I think it's healthy. Otherwise frustration and anger just fester until someone explodes; much harder to fix. Stop telling her over and over like a broken record how wrong she is; it loses its impact very quickly.

magneticimpulse

i personally dont care if her sister and partner are councillors. good for them. we are discussing your girlfriend. i would never ask my brother about his relationship and i would get a telling off from my parents if i ever did. never mind if my boyfriend started discussing me with my parents. id never stand for that no matter what!!! i could be on deaths door and still would never accept my "boyfriend" talking to my parents about my mental welfare. your not accepting that you are interferring with her family. nobody acts in this way for the fun of it.

to be honest your private email was quite snotty. i mean this is a "public" forum. fair enough if i take my time to give opinion, but really it came across as being pushy and oh well i gave you an answer, you were wrong, id like to see your answer now. sorry but im not your girlfriend. so no need to start a fire with me thanks very much.

james.xix

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i personally dont care if her sister and partner are councillors. good for them. we are discussing your girlfriend. i would never ask my brother about his relationship and i would get a telling off from my parents if i ever did. never mind if my boyfriend started discussing me with my parents. id never stand for that no matter what!!! i could be on deaths door and still would never accept my "boyfriend" talking to my parents about my mental welfare. your not accepting that you are interferring with her family. nobody acts in this way for the fun of it.

to be honest your private email was quite snotty. i mean this is a "public" forum. fair enough if i take my time to give opinion, but really it came across as being pushy and oh well i gave you an answer, you were wrong, id like to see your answer now. sorry but im not your girlfriend. so no need to start a fire with me thanks very much.

Well I’m not a counsellor as you said, but they have given her the same advice I have.
Yes, we are discussing my gf. I have not discussed my gf with her family, I would not dare. I have heard from her from talking as we do, they have given her the same advice I have. She actually talked about me to my family because there’s a bit of a disagreement between myself and my brother. So it has been her and not me who have talked to someone’s family about the other.

Your right and I’m the same, it bothered me ny gf would talk to my family about me. I would not do that about her, it is not my place and I am well aware of that.

I am not accepting I am interfering with her family because I never have. She has of me.

I dont’ see how my private mail was snotty. I’ve no probs making it public.
Thank you for giving your opinion.
I was not being pushy, just wanted to let you know I appreciated your replies, as harsh as they are, and thank you again.
Yes, you are not my gf.
I’ve no need to start fire with you, nor was I. Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read what I have had to say and to give me a response.
Thank you once more.

james.xix

iguana wrote: »

When you make a conscious effort to "reward the good and ignore the bad" you are treating her like a toddler. If my husband tried that tactic with me I would explode with frustration and hurt. It's mean, disrespectful and pointless.

I don't really reward her, it is childish and you are quite right.
I agree with what you say regards treating her like a toddler, I can assure you I do not.

She has a good head on her shoulders when she wants but is prone to doing stupid things.

I've been easy enough going about it so far but I can't live with that forever.

I'd like for her to mature but that is down to her. I amn't looking for anything from her apart from fair play.

Never had this problem with other girls.

I never treated her like that tactic of being a toddler.

She was lazy and expecting me to do everything for her.

When I would simply highlight things I did not think was right she would just react by shouting.

We were talking 2 weeks ago and I hinted to her she shouts when I say something I'm not happy about or she did which was really out of line, she knows she's wrong but shouts to cover it up.

She admitted it, she knows it herself.

james.xix

Unregistered39 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'd like to reiterate the comments of the posters who feel you're overdoing the parent/child thing. Actually I think you're acting less like a parent and more like a counsellor. I am normally a very easy-going, rational person but my ex knew how to yank my chain like you wouldn't believe. He just never reacted to anything! He could also be very passive-aggressive, which I'm getting definite vibes of from you. It got to the stage where I would just provoke him to try to get any sort of a reaction. I also told him a couple of times in the heat of the moment that I hated him. I didn't, but I was so frustrated that he seemed to be incapable of having an argument, battling it out and then letting it all blow over. Every couple argues; I think it's healthy. Otherwise frustration and anger just fester until someone explodes; much harder to fix. Stop telling her over and over like a broken record how wrong she is; it loses its impact very quickly.

Hi, thanks for your reply as well.
I am not being a parent nor am I being a counsellor. There was one time she asked me to help her with regard the way she goes a bit mad and shouts. I told her it was not my place. I’ve actually said to her I’m not a counsellor like her sister nor am I looking to be, I’m her bf and wish we can’t treat each other the same. She actually starter shouting after that as well and got agitated. She expected me to say yes. There was no way that would happen. If it did then yes I would be taking on a role as a counsellor. That would be absolutely madness. Our relationship can only work on an equal level being bf and gf. I’m not looking or being anything else. This is why I broke up with her in September I was being put in a situation where I would be a counsellor or parent. That would be ridiculous. Would not work, something had to give and I ended it.
We got back together because she asked me to give her and us a second chance and that she herself was working on improving on not doing stupid things and being so immature.

I am not yanking her chain either. I’m very supportive of her in a bf way as well I feel l have to stress.
I can react and would if I have to. If she did something that bothered me I would. She is honest and loving in away and I believe that. That’s why I would not react, if I did it’d make things worse and make her feel bad, I would not do that to her, at least I hope not.
I can argue and do but can put my point across without shouting or slagging someone off.
It’s true, it is good to argue. I’ve picked arguments with her over things I’m not happy with but have done so in a calm way, it’s just my mannerism i guess. Shouting achieves nothings, she says her mother and sister have told her the same and they are right.
I do not tell her over and over she is wrong, I don’t say she is wrong either.
Since we got back together 6 weeks ago I again have been like that but she’s the same as she was it would seem. Very childish and incapable of expressing her feelings without being insulting.

metrovelvet

You keep saying that you dont treat her like a child,but through out this thread you are treating her like a child, by the way you talk about her "throwing toys out of the pram" for example and then you keep saying things like "im mature enough to..." so I think you need to look at that again.

And when kids do throw things out of the pram its usually out of frustration from not being able to verbalise something that is upsetting them. Maybe you should read some Winnicot or child development books - it might help you out.

You sound like you think you are very rational and try to use reason where what is more effective and needed is empathy. Can you do that?

metrovelvet

iguana wrote: »

When you make a conscious effort to "reward the good and ignore the bad" you are treating her like a toddler. If my husband tried that tactic with me I would explode with frustration and hurt. It's mean, disrespectful and pointless.

I would even go so far as to say its abusive because it demotes the other person and also a way for you to avoid taking their feelings seriously, it smells of gaslighting.

magneticimpulse

james.xix wrote: »

Well I’m not a counsellor as you said, but they have given her the same advice I have.
Yes, we are discussing my gf. I have not discussed my gf with her family, I would not dare. I have heard from her from talking as we do, they have given her the same advice I have. She actually talked about me to my family because there’s a bit of a disagreement between myself and my brother. So it has been her and not me who have talked to someone’s family about the other.

Your right and I’m the same, it bothered me ny gf would talk to my family about me. I would not do that about her, it is not my place and I am well aware of that.

I am not accepting I am interfering with her family because I never have. She has of me.

I dont’ see how my private mail was snotty. I’ve no probs making it public.
Thank you for giving your opinion.
I was not being pushy, just wanted to let you know I appreciated your replies, as harsh as they are, and thank you again.
Yes, you are not my gf.
I’ve no need to start fire with you, nor was I. Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read what I have had to say and to give me a response.
Thank you once more.

this is complete tit for tat..."oh ive not interferred at all, but she has mine...i would never do such a thing, but she has done this and that with my family."

Yes I found your private email very snotty. You like to give digs..."oh i appreciate your advice..IT WAS HARSH, thank you, now what response will you give me". This is passive. You are sitting back saying "nice things", but inbetween sentences your being very sly about wanting to be right and win a fight!! For you this whole thread is like your trying to win a fight!!! You keep shooting bullets back at everyone. If you are like this in real life, I can see why your girlfriend gets in arguement, why she always "looses" and why she ends up shouting. Because you dont give anybody a chance to have their own opinion. You always have to have the last word. That would seriously wreck my head and tire me out.

I think you seriously need to stop pointing the finger and look at yourself.

metrovelvet

magneticimpulse wrote: »

this is complete tit for tat..."oh ive not interferred at all, but she has mine...i would never do such a thing, but she has done this and that with my family."

Yes I found your private email very snotty. You like to give digs..."oh i appreciate your advice..IT WAS HARSH, thank you, now what response will you give me". This is passive. You are sitting back saying "nice things", but inbetween sentences your being very sly about wanting to be right and win a fight!! For you this whole thread is like your trying to win a fight!!! You keep shooting bullets back at everyone. If you are like this in real life, I can see why your girlfriend gets in arguement, why she always "looses" and why she ends up shouting. Because you dont give anybody a chance to have their own opinion. You always have to have the last word. That would seriously wreck my head and tire me out.

I think you seriously need to stop pointing the finger and look at yourself.

Its called double bind. When you say things over and over but your actions completely contradict what you are saying.

For example, saying that you are not treating someone like a child, but then constantly making comments that reflect something entirely different.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

I totally agree with this soooo much. If she is acting like a child treat her like one? did you ever hear such bad advice? NO way. Then she will continue to act like a child and you will be a parent. No. You want to get it adult-adult.

I'm certainly not suggesting revisiting the parent role. Not at all. I am saying that we are all having behaviours reinforced one way or another on an almost daily basis by the reactions of others. There is no magical cutoff through out our lives where this stops. It's more simple when people are children but it continues beyond that. If I am acting like a "child", I expect to be treated like one. It should still be with respect and as part of a process where the two people meet in the middle though.

iguana wrote:

When you make a conscious effort to "reward the good and ignore the bad" you are treating her like a toddler. If my husband tried that tactic with me I would explode with frustration and hurt. It's mean, disrespectful and pointless.

While I am quite sure neither you nor your husband regard each other as toddlers, I am equally sure that you both reward the good and ignore or play down the bad in each other and have done from the start. You do it naturally as you have learned to be emotionally balanced human beings and partners in the relationship. It's obviously not that black and white, nor that reductive, but IMHO we all do it.

I think the notion of "training" her is what is the sticking point. I would liken it to I dunno, lets say someone is very socially shy. How do you fix this? I mean others have no problem and often don't get why a shy person would. After all why should they? It comes "naturally" to them. You fix it by training the person to confront it and give them the mechanisms to do that, so they learn over time what others take for granted. That is not treating them like a toddler at all.

I'm saying its similar here. Something is wrong, when a mature woman who has had long relationships is getting to this point. It's either she hasn't learned vital communication skills or the OP is triggering bad behaviour in her, because he hasn't. I'm defo not suggetsing it's all her, not even close.

But if you want to get this back onto adult/adult you need to hold her accountable for her words. Be open with her about the way it makes you feel when she says that. Then ask her why she gets so mad when she doesnt get what she demands immediately.

Great in theory, IMHO absolutely useless when someone is in extremis emotionally, especially if this is a default reaction. I'd put good money the OP has tried this or a variant of it and it likely makes her worse. IMH he is reinforcing her feedback loop. "I'm frustrated, he's not listening. I escalate to get my point across. I get worked up. I forget my initial point and ride the emotions. He engages, but he's missing the point. I get more frustrated" Rinse and repeat.

Everyone can go off on one, that's fine and in those moments few are particularly rational, but if this is a pattern where the person is screaming and shouting, hurling insults and slamming doors, engaging as an "equal" is very unlikely to happen. It will go one of two ways, the other person will either end up as the superior or the inferior in the dynamic. By acknowledging her emotions, but removing himself from escalating it, the OP has a better chance of keeping it equal.

This is equally the OP's responsibility to make this work. If they are compatible in all the other ways and this is the only major issue, he needs to figure out what his issue is. What he is missing in this. How he could stop this before it starts or reduce the impact. This definitely goes both ways. Look at his inner "child" first.

metrovelvet

^ I disagree with that. [sorry I meant wibb's post] Still if you are talking about reinforcement and reward/punishment you are reinforcing the parent/child dynamic.

If you are acting like a child and expect to be treated like one, you will continue to act like a child and react to the person treating you this like they are a parent and continue to either rebel or seek approval or whatever, these are not great motivators or dynamics in adult relationships. If you decide to withdraw from communicating because someone is not expressing themselves well or has given in to the DEMANDING part of themselves and throwing a strop then that is a bit different. Then you come out and say, look I really cant communicate under these circumstances, i sense your frustrated, can you articulate in less threatening way what it is you need or what is making you angry or whatever.

Its not your job to train or fix people. Then you are getting into controlling terroritories and inappropriate ones that will backfire.

But both people have to be listening, and good listening.

If you are in a situation with someone who is just going to shout you down and is so defended that they cant listen then you are onto a loser.

james.xix

magneticimpulse wrote: »

this is complete tit for tat..."oh ive not interferred at all, but she has mine...i would never do such a thing, but she has done this and that with my family."

Yes I found your private email very snotty. You like to give digs..."oh i appreciate your advice..IT WAS HARSH, thank you, now what response will you give me". This is passive. You are sitting back saying "nice things", but inbetween sentences your being very sly about wanting to be right and win a fight!! For you this whole thread is like your trying to win a fight!!! You keep shooting bullets back at everyone. If you are like this in real life, I can see why your girlfriend gets in arguement, why she always "looses" and why she ends up shouting. Because you dont give anybody a chance to have their own opinion. You always have to have the last word. That would seriously wreck my head and tire me out.

I think you seriously need to stop pointing the finger and look at yourself.

It is not tit for tat. You made a point it would be bad for me to interfere with her family. I’m just in agreement because you are right about that. It turns out she has interfered with my family but you wish not to comment on that, which is fair enough if you don’t wish to.
I do appreciate your advice, as I do everyone else on here as well and thank you once more.
Your advice has been, what I would find harsh, but I’m not claiming to be 100% right about anything and can take criticism on the chin and also listen I might add.
I’ve no interest in winning any fight. I am honest and straight up with people and I like being treated the same.
My gf, while we were broken up, actually asked for a list of things that were bothering me. This was after she has created a list of things she liked about me and why she wanted us to get back together.
She says her gran died last year and she was sad about that. She said it hit her hard when we broke up because I’ve been like an angel in her life and she did not want to lose me as well.
I’m not shooting bullets back at anyone, I’m making my point back in relation to what people have said.
I haven’t had this problem with other gf’s anyway, things have been hunky dory more or less. One time a gf of mine, who I thought was sound but her friend seem to think she’s a bit of a bitch, couldn’t stand the fact that her friends though I was too nice for her. Comments were just passed every now and then.
My last gf then, her friends used to lament that they never meet a nice guy.
Everyone is welcome to an opinion, I have as well and am giving mine.
If I’m wrong or do something out of the way I can put my hands up and admit I’m wrong.
Going back to an earlier point, I’m not looking to win a fight but on the interfering with family, my gf has done that an d you have chosen to ignore it though interfering with family is a point that you raised, not me.
I do take a look at myself. I’ve asked my gf is it something I’ve done. She says it isn’t. She says living at home and not having a job are probably part of the reason why she takes things out on me.
I’m sorry for sending you a private message yesterday, it was wrong and totally out of line of me.
Thank you once more for your reply.

Wibbs

magneticimpulse PM's are private messages. The clue is in the name. Please don't refer to one on the forums. Not without the other persons express permission. Post deleted. Plus if anyone has a problem with a PM you can report them just like you report a post and it will be looked into. Thanks.

james.xix

metrovelvet wrote: »

You keep saying that you dont treat her like a child,but through out this thread you are treating her like a child, by the way you talk about her "throwing toys out of the pram" for example and then you keep saying things like "im mature enough to..." so I think you need to look at that again.

And when kids do throw things out of the pram its usually out of frustration from not being able to verbalise something that is upsetting them. Maybe you should read some Winnicot or child development books - it might help you out.

You sound like you think you are very rational and try to use reason where what is more effective and needed is empathy. Can you do that?

I don’t treat her like a child. This thing about rewarding good behaviour, they were someone else’s words. I agree with the point his making but it’s not like that I can assure you.
If she’s acting like I child I can’t get involved with that. I’ve walked miles with her, even a bit behind if she walks off ahead until she calms down.
I do try to talk to her adult to adult. Her mother and sister have done the same.
“Throwing her toys out of the pram”, that’s an expression that can describe the situation. I’ve had my gf say she knows she can be childish at times.
When I say I’m mature, I know what it takes for a grown-up relationship to work
I’ve been accused earlier by someone of probably having more relationship experience than my gf but that’s not the case at all.
In life in general I do treat people right; it just comes down to having a bit of kop.
You are right that it can come down to not being able to verbalise something which is bothering her. She’s has admitted herself though it happens when she lies about something to cover up something else.
I think I’m rational enough, I’ve talked to her about thing to help her. I care for her and do that. I didn’t know her long, were even dating when she lost her job but I rang to make sure she was ok.
I’ve always stood by her as well and she says she appreciates that.
I do empathise as well, generally I would first but if not I probably would be rational about something.

james.xix

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would even go so far as to say its abusive because it demotes the other person and also a way for you to avoid taking their feelings seriously, it smells of gaslighting.

It's nothing like that at all.
Everything has been ok the last few weeks, she's been more calm and relaxed that before.
All was ok until last week when she says she hates me.
This is the crux of this issue, I can't believe she would say that.

Gyalist

I told you what the problem is in my first post in this thread and now that I see that you don't even live in the same town, I'm even more convinved that i ws correct.