Good/bad reason for breaking up.

Fink Goddie

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend because she let herself go, put on loads of weight and he didnt find her attractive anymore.
What do you think of this as a reason to break up with someone?
Do you think guys are bastards for doing this or is it a valid reason.

Lorrs33

If you love someone, you don't care what they look like. Some guys are just shallow.

Libertewhite

Honestly I would do the same. I couldn't go out with a girl I didn't find attractive. Would girls go out with their OH if they were in the same situation...:p

Ticktactoe

Fink Goddie wrote: »

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend because she let herself go, put on loads of weight and he didnt find her attractive anymore.
What do you think of this as a reason to break up with someone?
Do you think guys are bastards for doing this or is it a valid reason.

Depends,
Did she let herself go personality wise too... However if he was just in the relationship for a model looking girlfriend well isn't she better off out of that relationship.

krudler

Lorrs33 wrote: »

If you love someone, you don't care what they look like. Some guys are just shallow.

Thats nonsense tbh, if you were going out with someone who put on a few stone, grew a beer belly and completely let their appearance go you wouldnt have an issue with it? Physical attraction in a relationship is important no matter how long you've been together, just because you've landed someone doesnt mean its ok to let yourself go once the honeymoon period is over, of course there are various reasons your appearance may change, pregnancy, stress, work, not having time to eat right or exercise or whatever, we've all been there (well not the pregnancy bit) but just not bothering to put in any effort because you think the person you're with should accept it is pretty selfish.
I've been with my gf for 2 years and of course we've seen each other sick, hungover and at our "worst" first thing in the morning, but i'd never show up for a night hanging out with her in a tracksuit and not having put any effort in, I like to look nice for her and let her know that i still want her to fancy me, irregardless of the fact shes "supposed to" as she's my girlfriend

Fink Goddie

Lorrs33 wrote: »

If you love someone, you don't care what they look like. Some guys are just shallow.

But is it shallow if you just dot find them attractive anymore??

Libertewhite wrote: »

Honestly I would do the same. I couldn't go out with a girl I didn't find attractive. Would girls go out with their OH if they were in the same situation...:p

i dont think I could, my ex started letting himself go for a while and i just didnt feel as attracted to him anymore, the spark kinda went out of things for me, i can understand it.

CorkFenian

Last one i was in faded due to her best friend..I tried everything with one of them, I worked it the wrong way in the end ,and she choose her best friend...Sad in a way...But c'est la vie!!

Mackleton

Have to agree with Krudler on this one tbh. I think sexual attraction is incredibly important in a relationship. Remove that element and what have you got? Good friends is what you've got. Most people are not looking for someone they get on with they want a partner in every sense of the word. If I was dating a guy who I found really sexy initially and he went on to gain a few stone and a gut, well I would be under the impression that he didn't really give a toss whether I cared or not. This would indicate a lack or spark to me. Life is much too short for staying in a relationship where you are no longer attracted to the person. Lack of attraction = lack of sex = eventual breakdown of the relationship.

Jesus Wept

Lorrs33 wrote: »

If you love someone, you don't care what they look like. Some guys are just shallow.

If you love someone, you want to stay attractive to them and you don't 'let yourself' go.

Silverfish

Fink Goddie wrote: »

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend because she let herself go, put on loads of weight and he didnt find her attractive anymore.
What do you think of this as a reason to break up with someone?
Do you think guys are bastards for doing this or is it a valid reason.

No it's not a valid reason, he should be forced by law to remain in the relationship against his will until such a time as he does something that she feels is a good reason for her to break up with him, then they may both be released from the relationship.

If course it's a good reason. Anythings a good reason, because the reason isn't important, it's the fact that it's enough for them to not want to be with that person, therefore there was a lucky escape on both sides.

xzanti

If they put on a few pounds fine, we all fluctuate a bit from time to time but if we're talking about just totally loosing interest and getting lazy then I think it would put me off them if I'm totally honest

I don't think I'd be attracted to someone who didn't take care of themselves, I take pride in my appearance so I'd like my significant other to make the same effort..

Also I don't think the person would be happy in themselves if they let themselves go and this may lead to feelings of insecurity on their part which will lead to all sorts of other problems within the relationship..

If however it was a situation where they gained weight through illness or injury then it would obviously be a different kettle of fish altogether..

Fink Goddie

Exactly, i take pride in my appearance, always try to look my best and i'd expect my OH to do the same.

Fink Goddie

Silverfish wrote: »

No it's not a valid reason, he should be forced by law to remain in the relationship against his will until such a time as he does something that she feels is a good reason for her to break up with him, then they may both be released from the relationship.

If course it's a good reason. Anythings a good reason, because the reason isn't important, it's the fact that it's enough for them to not want to be with that person, therefore there was a lucky escape on both sides.

Cheers for the sarky response

krudler

Mackleton wrote: »

Have to agree with Krudler on this one tbh. I think sexual attraction is incredibly important in a relationship. Remove that element and what have you got? Good friends is what you've got. Most people are not looking for someone they get on with they want a partner in every sense of the word. If I was dating a guy who I found really sexy initially and he went on to gain a few stone and a gut, well I would be under the impression that he didn't really give a toss whether I cared or not. This would indicate a lack or spark to me. Life is much too short for staying in a relationship where you are no longer attracted to the person. Lack of attraction = lack of sex = eventual breakdown of the relationship.

Exactly, anyone who thinks their partner should just put up with whatever they look like through letting themselves go is deluding themselves, lets be clear I'm not talking about a change of appearance through something that cant be helped, I've put on a few pounds due to being on a course of steroids for a long term medical condition, I would never find my girlfriend unattractive if she were pregnant, thats natural you put on some weight, and its a good thing, this is purely someone who cant be bothered that we're talking about

pikachucheeks

Losing your attraction to someone can happen. Be it shallow or otherwise, it's a fact of life.

If you're no longer attracted to a person, surely it's senseless to stay in the relationship with them, rather than end things?

So yes, it is a valid reason. If the relationship is for any reason, no longer satisfying for one or both people, it's a valid reason to end things, in my opinion.

Sure, the reason/s it's no longer satisfying might be trivial or minor, but if one person's -or both people - are not happy, the relationship won't ultimately work anyway.

Libertewhite

Fink Goddie wrote: »

Exactly, i take pride in my appearance, always try to look my best and i'd expect my OH to do the same.

+1

krudler

Would it bother the ladies if your man started going bald? its inevitable in some men,so would you A. accept it. B. get him to try do something about it, use products or whatever, or just shave his head or C. break up with him if you found baldness a huge turnoff?

John Mason

krudler wrote: »

Physical attraction in a relationship is important no matter how long you've been together

so what happens when you start to get wrinkles, middle age spread, losing hair/teeth.

by your reckoning, you would trade up for a younger model every 5 years ?

personally, i couldnt careless what my OH looks like - it's him i love not the packaging on the outside.

morninwood

Fink Goddie wrote: »

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend because she let herself go, put on loads of weight and he didnt find her attractive anymore.
What do you think of this as a reason to break up with someone?
Do you think guys are bastards for doing this or is it a valid reason.

Very valid reason for a break up IMO. I guess most people reach a point in a relationship where the partner doesn't seem as sexually attractive as it used to be the case.
In a fresh relationship I usually have a fantastic sex live barely spending time out of bed getting it on. As soon as the novelty of the relationship wears off and the sex becomes routine the sex becomes less intense and frequent which leads to tensions (literally and figuratively).
If you now take 'good looks' out of the equation you can bury your sex life together with the relationship.

(But we guys are superficial bastards anyway;))

krudler

irishbird wrote: »

so what happens when you start to get wrinkles, middle age spread, losing hair/teeth.

by your reckoning, you would trade up for a younger model every 5 years ?

personally, i couldnt careless what my OH looks like - it's him i love not the packaging on the outside.

I'm sure he'd be delighted to hear that, I'd be pretty insulted if my girlfriend told me that tbh

Theres also a huge difference between getting older and letting yourself go, wrinkles dont bother me at all, theres plenty of women i know who are in their 40s and 50s and look fantastic for their age and i still totally would , ditto some men i know, an uncle of mine is nearly 60 and you wouldnt put him past 45 as he keeps himself in great shape

Fink Goddie

krudler wrote: »

I'm sure he'd be delighted to hear that, I'd be pretty insulted if my girlfriend told me that tbh

Theres also a huge difference between getting older and letting yourself go, wrinkles dont bother me at all, theres plenty of women i know who are in their 40s and 50s and look fantastic for their age and i still totally would , ditto some men i know, an uncle of mine is nearly 60 and you wouldnt put him past 45 as he keeps himself in great shape

Exactly, you can still stay in shape and wear nice clothes etc, keep yoursefl looking well for your age

helimachoptor

I'd do the same, if my Gf put on a bucket load of weight and didnt do anything to shift it, i'd be gone like a hot snot.

Thankfully she has 2 massive sisters who give her the motivation to stay thin

gavney

irishbird wrote: »

so what happens when you start to get wrinkles, middle age spread, losing hair/teeth.

by your reckoning, you would trade up for a younger model every 5 years ?

personally, i couldnt careless what my OH looks like - it's him i love not the packaging on the outside.

Well, there's a difference between "letting yourself go" (cause you couldn't care less about trying to be attractive to your OH) and "nature taking its course".

You can't control some parts of ageing, but you can do your best.

If you really love someone, you'll want them to want you, it's a basic part of love IMO

If s/o is really letting themselves go for no reason, it could be a sign that they don't care about you anymore

Kate253

have already posted this in a dif thread but my recent EX - see it's fresh on MY mind :mad: boroke up with me after 8 month s cos i told him a month ago approx that i'd experimented with hash as a student and said that it bothered him. thought dif attitudes like that would only cause probs down the tracks. nothing to do with the me he knew for the rest of the relationship and the fact that i haven't touched anything since i was about 23! pretty much stung but...

krudler

Kate253 wrote: »

have already posted this in a dif thread but my recent EX - see it's fresh on MY mind :mad: boroke up with me after 8 month s cos i told him a month ago approx that i'd experimented with hash as a student and said that it bothered him. thought dif attitudes like that would only cause probs down the tracks. nothing to do with the me he knew for the rest of the relationship and the fact that i haven't touched anything since i was about 23! pretty much stung but...

Thats fairly harsh, i know my girlfriend has had a few smokes on occassion but not in ages, and only once or twice since we've been going out, i'd prefer if she didnt as drugs are a big turnoff for me but theres a world of difference between being a hash head and the once in a blue moon smoke, I've been around plenty of people smoking weed and whatever but I've never touched it myself, not morally against it or anything just isnt my thing, besides I'd much rather be in a room with a bunch of people stoned than drunk, they're funnier:D

Kirnsy

Kate253 wrote: »

have already posted this in a dif thread but my recent EX - see it's fresh on MY mind :mad: boroke up with me after 8 month s cos i told him a month ago approx that i'd experimented with hash as a student and said that it bothered him. thought dif attitudes like that would only cause probs down the tracks. nothing to do with the me he knew for the rest of the relationship and the fact that i haven't touched anything since i was about 23! pretty much stung but...

lucky escape for you IMO sounds a bit controlling

stovelid

How much have they let themselves go?

People put on weight, especially after children and when you both get older. Obviously, the thing you get from some people (men usually) where a partner is expected to be the same size is their 30s/40s as they were in their teens/20s isn't fair.

That said, I'm not sure it's fair on your partner to let yourself get very overweight though, not only because of the aesthetics, but for health reasons too. Same goes for making an effort to buy clothes and look half-decent if you go out.

Anna Molly

Physical appearance is rated, across cultures (bar arranged marriages) as one of the most important qualities in a relationship.
When you first meet someone, within seven seconds you will have deemed that person attractive or not.

Obviously sex plays a role in relationships, if you don't find that person attractive then how is sex gonna work out? Not very well, I say.

I think it's highly important.

I think he should have sugar coated it or something, but I do believe it's a valid reason.

CathyMoran

I cant see breaking up with someone because they have changed shape or appearance in some other form as being a valid reason, they are still the same person inside....equally if they developed a serious illness...I admit that my husband stayed with me through chemo and totally loosing my hair. For me valid reasons would include physical voilence or infidelity (though the later could be worked on).

Muzzer

You have to take everything into consideration.

If she let herself go, it can well be a good enough reason.

Maybe he fell for her because her effort to look good appealed to him. No matter how much we men try to be politically correct, a woman taking pride in herself is extremely attractive. I'm not saying you should go overboard.

Could it be that by letting herself go this fella felt she took him for granted?

C'mon, unless there are underlying issues, women should never let themselves go - no more than men should!

misslt

It's complicated!

I've put on a lot of weight recently - stressed about money and college etc so I take comfort in eating.

I get the feeling my weight is putting himself off a bit - he admits its putting him off the physical side of things but he still loves me more than ever.

My point was; everyone in my family is prone to weight etc - I have to work very hard to keep it off and with everything else thats going on in my life I literally don't have time to do it - what if I stay like this for the foreseeable future - will that make you decide no you don't love me?

TBH I was hurt and humiliated by it - I knew it myself but hearing him say it was horrible - it make me think you're supposed to love me for who I am not what I look like, what impact will this have on our relationship in the long run?

It also, I'm ashamed to say, made me start a new diet and make the effort to lose it - I'm ashamed that I had to do it for him and not for me!

It can be a deal-breaker - I mean physicality is a big part of any relationship and if he's not physically attracted to you thats gonna be pretty hard to work through, no matter what you say.

At the same time, it's not like you want to put on all this weight and 'let yourself go' so is it really fair on you if he does end the relationship?

Silverfish

FYI folks, linking to or discussion of PI posts is not allowed on this forum, or any forum outside of PI. Thanks.

iguana

krudler wrote: »

Theres also a huge difference between getting older and letting yourself go, wrinkles dont bother me at all, theres plenty of women i know who are in their 40s and 50s and look fantastic for their age and i still totally would , ditto some men i know, an uncle of mine is nearly 60 and you wouldnt put him past 45 as he keeps himself in great shape

Yeah, but that's not the same as just looking fantastic. My grandmother is 79 and she looks fantastic for her age. Quite a lot younger, still very fashionable, always out dancing and traveling. She has all the widowers and old bachelors eating out of her hand. But I bet you wouldn't. The fact of the matter is she looked a lot more attractive 50 years ago. It's just a fact. We lose our looks as we age.

We can also lose our looks for other reasons. What if you get badly burned in a fire? Lose a limb in an accident. Get alopecia. Fall down the stairs and knock out your teeth. Attraction is very, very important. But once you love someone attraction goes a lot deeper than looks.

It's ok to end a relationship because you are no longer attracted to them. But if the looks are bothering you so much then that just means that there is nothing deeper in the relationship.

krudler

We can also lose our looks for other reasons. What if you get badly burned in a fire? Lose a limb in an accident. Get alopecia. Fall down the stairs and knock out your teeth. Attraction is very, very important. But once you love someone attraction goes a lot deeper than looks.

I've already said I wasnt talking about stuff that cant be helped, be it medical, nature taking course or whatever, this is purely not bothering to put in any effort we're talking about

iguana

krudler wrote: »

I've already said I wasnt talking about stuff that cant be helped, be it medical, nature taking course or whatever, this is purely not bothering to put in any effort we're talking about

If you can still be attracted to someone who has lost their looks through illness/age/accident but not if they have stopped making an effort than your attraction is not based on what they actually look like. That's a lack of attraction to the choices they have made than the actual way they look. It's not liking their attitude or feeling like you are being taken for granted rather than being about physical attraction.

Flat2dmat

I don't think it's shallow at all. fact is that most relationships start because of an initial attraction, and if you fancy the person you're with, you'll stay with them and be happy (as long as the r'ship itself is good too obv).

on the other side of it, if your partner starts going down hill and doesn't care about it, then you will look elsewhere and eventually leads to cheating / break up.

it's silly to think that people will love you no matter what you look like - if they fancied you at the start then keep it that way. why tempt fate?
it's better that they're honest with you and say that maybe you could start dieting / exercising together, so that you both keep in shape.

sex is very important so you need to keep that attraction or your partner will look for it somewhere else. maybe if you're not bothered with sex, then you won't care about your looks, but don't expect the majority to think the same!!!

Stella777

For me, sexual attraction is vital to a romantic relationship. If the OH has compeltely let him or herself go and is not making any effort to change, then I think that's a valid reason to break up if sexual attraction is actually important to you.

What would be a "bad" reason IMHO is if the OH has put on weight or changed in appearance for the worse but you are still attracted to him/her, yet decide to break up because friends or family are making comments or putting some kind of pressure on you

shellyboo

I don't get this "valid reason" thing. Like... Why does it need to be "valid"? If you want to break up with someone because they wore odd socks... That's your perogative. It's not like you can turn around to someone dumping you and go "sorry, that's not a valid reason to break up, so we're actually still going out".

Every reason is valid, or none are... Fact is, you can't make someone stay if they don't want to. So why stress about reasons?.

shivvyban

Ok, I just read the first post and am freaked out (in an angry way). How dare he! How very very very dare he!

This happened to me before. I was told he was 'less attracted' to me because I gained weight... well, tbh, a constant steam of him buying take-away will do that to you.

Besides I thought he was with me because I was funny, nice, kind... all those qualities that make you want to be with someone. I am aware that attractions can fade but surely, if weight was the issue, you wouldn't bring it into the break up out of human decency, plain and simple.

Years of bullying left me with a complex and to be told that again at 20, I was 'fat' it left me dropping out of college and drinking myself into oblivion for about 5 months. I snapped out of it but I still don't like the way I look. I irritate the hell out of my OH with my body worries and I blame that shít of an ex boyfriend.

I learned after a while that it was the dumper's issue and not the dumpee's and I hope that someday for your friends sake, that they grow up. Its all well and good being with someone purely for their looks but they fade and then what are they left with....

An empty husk of a marriage/relationship...

Ermm, rant over

Pythia

CathyMoran wrote: »

For me valid reasons would include physical voilence or infidelity (though the later could be worked on).

A valid reason? A valid reason is whatever you want it to be... I didn't know there was a list of things allowed and not allowed. Should you be forced to stay with someone you've fallen out of love with because they haven't been physically violent or cheated on you?

I also think cheating is definitely a break up catalyst, you can't have your cake and eat it.

Raze_them_all

Pythia wrote: »

A valid reason? A valid reason is whatever you want it to be... I didn't know there was a list of things allowed and not allowed. Should you be forced to stay with someone you've fallen out of love with because they haven't been physically violent or cheated on you?

I also think cheating is definitely a break up catalyst, you can't have your cake and eat it.

Then why get the cake in the first place?? That saying has always bugged me. Like it or not cheating is very easy to hide as long as yer not stupid enough to do it in yer OH's hometown

Boston

Weigh seems to be the thing people lashed onto, but the real question is about appearances. They factor in when we select our partners, so why wouldn't they once the relationship begins. I recall insisting that my first boyfriend not cut his hair short, I loved the long hear on him and only him. Now years later he has short hair and I have to say is physically less attractive in my book.

shivvyban wrote: »

Ok, I just read the first post and am freaked out (in an angry way). How dare he! How very very very dare he!

This happened to me before. I was told he was 'less attracted' to me because I gained weight... well, tbh, a constant steam of him buying take-away will do that to you.

You could have not eaten the take aways?

shivvyban

Boston wrote: »

You could have not eaten the take aways?

Cheers for the insight

CathyMoran

Pythia wrote: »

A valid reason? A valid reason is whatever you want it to be... I didn't know there was a list of things allowed and not allowed. Should you be forced to stay with someone you've fallen out of love with because they haven't been physically violent or cheated on you?

I also think cheating is definitely a break up catalyst, you can't have your cake and eat it.

What I mean by that is that society seems obsessed with not working on relationships any more when they get a bit stale, in a long termer you may not necessarily feel the butterflies every second of the day but it does grow into something far more meaningful. I know that when I was younger looks and weight meant a lot more to me, now love is far more than the minor issue of physical attraction, though I will admit that my husband still turns me on. That is why I would say physical violence is a no but weight not so.

cojomo2

Kate253 wrote: »

have already posted this in a dif thread but my recent EX - see it's fresh on MY mind :mad: boroke up with me after 8 month s cos i told him a month ago approx that i'd experimented with hash as a student and said that it bothered him. thought dif attitudes like that would only cause probs down the tracks. nothing to do with the me he knew for the rest of the relationship and the fact that i haven't touched anything since i was about 23! pretty much stung but...

Maybe he didn't have the balls to tell you the real reason he wanted to break up with you and just used this as a crap excuse?