What would you give up for the love of your life?

SarahSassy

Let's imagine a girl wants to get married but due to a bad marriage, issues with his child etc, her OH doesnt want to remarry but wants to spend his life with her. Things appear to have been said that led her to believe marriage was an option (after he gets his divorce) but when he was asked straight out if they would get married he said he didnt know and then said no when pressed. She says he is mid 40's and i think her close to that. What would you do? Stay with someone you love or leave cos you dont get the ring?

Wibbs

OK SarahSassy interesting topics that they may be, I do have an issue with peoples PI's being referenced in another forum. So I would prefer more hypothetical posts please. *EDIT* edited your post

SarahSassy

Thanks Wibbs for the edit.

Ginny

TBH if he has mislead her I could completely understand her walking away, I've been in a similar situation myself we split for other reasons but it wouldn't have lasted due to our different views.

The Big Red Button

Well, is the question this:

SarahSassy wrote: »

What would you give up for teh love of your life?

Or this:

SarahSassy wrote: »

What would you do? Stay with someone you love or leave cos you dont get the ring?

???

Ickle Magoo

I don't think there is much point in just wanting to get married. It's much more important that there is a man in my life with whom I could see my self marrying. If he didn't want to get married then I think I'd be happy just having a man I felt I would marry rather than dumping the man I love so I can find another guy willing to marry me.

morninwood

This is kind of linked to the 'Would you settle for 2nd best' thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055755952.
Would you really split up with someone you're madly in love and want to spend the rest of your life with, just to find someone who would marry you but is the second best (loved) person?
After all marriage is just a symbol. That's really all it is. Women go mad about it (romantic fools :rolleyes:) but love is something way different. Just think of our stone age ancestors and their lack of marriage. I am pretty sure they were all loved up and stuck together for life just because of affection.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzJ2NKp23WU

ash23

morninwood wrote: »

This is kind of linked to the 'Would you settle for 2nd best' thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055755952.
Would you really split up with someone you're madly in love and want to spend the rest of your life with, just to find someone who would marry you but is the second best (loved) person?
After all marriage is just a symbol. That's really all it is. Women go mad about it (romantic fools :rolleyes:) but love is something way different. Just think of our stone age ancestors and their lack of marriage. I am pretty sure they were all loved up and stuck together for life just because of affection.

You could argue that if the bloke loved her he'd marry her when he knows how much it means to her. So much that she's willing to walk away.
I went through it and it's very hard to want something the other person doesn't. A friend of mine is also going through it at the moment and it's causing tension in the relationship.


What would I give up? A lot. Financially I'd give, emotionally I'd give, I'd move, I'd do loads of things.
It's easier to list the things I wouldn't give up. My desire to get married and have more children (unless the children thing was out of his control and even then I'd struggle with that), my family, my friends. Thats about it. Nothing else is important really.

morninwood

ash23 wrote: »

You could argue that if the bloke loved her he'd marry her when he knows how much it means to her. So much that she's willing to walk away.
I went through it and it's very hard to want something the other person doesn't. A friend of mine is also going through it at the moment and it's causing tension in the relationship.

But what's the point in marrying someone just because they want to? That literally calls for a divorce at a later stage if the hubby to be just agrees to the union to keep her happy, neglecting his own views/plans/expectations.
Recipe for disaster and awfully selfish of her no matter what the outcome.
Scenario 1: The bloke marries her.
He may not have been in the same place as her and sacrifices A LOT just to see her happy and not have her leave, because he loves her. His own happiness will certainly take a dive. We are talking life changing decision here.
Scenario 2: He doesn't marry her.
She walks away, leaving him heartbroken and in hell (at least that's where I would be in this case) all because he wasn't in the same place as her and not marrying her (probably for the best of both of them).
Things change all the time, especially people. He may reconsider his views on marriage at some stage. Leaving someone you love enough to push for marriage simply because he doesn't want to get married is not an option. After all: MARRIAGE IS JUST A SYMBOL! The bloody church imposed this ritual on us. Not god. Not mother nature. Just some guys in robes and funny hats. It is about love and the likes, not sects and their rituals.

morninwood

By the way. To answer this thread's topic: I would give up almost everything for the love of my life. Family is the only thing I would put before someone I deeply love.

Fink Goddie

morninwood wrote: »

By the way. To answer this thread's topic: I would give up almost everything for the love of my life. Family is the only thing I would put before someone I deeply love.

Would ya give up friends for them??

ash23

morninwood wrote: »

But what's the point in marrying someone just because they want to? That literally calls for a divorce at a later stage if the hubby to be just agrees to the union to keep her happy, neglecting his own views/plans/expectations.
Recipe for disaster and awfully selfish of her no matter what the outcome.
Scenario 1: The bloke marries her.
He may not have been in the same place as her and sacrifices A LOT just to see her happy and not have her leave, because he loves her. His own happiness will certainly take a dive. We are talking life changing decision here.
Scenario 2: He doesn't marry her.
She walks away, leaving him heartbroken and in hell (at least that's where I would be in this case) all because he wasn't in the same place as her and not marrying her (probably for the best of both of them).
Things change all the time, especially people. He may reconsider his views on marriage at some stage. Leaving someone you love enough to push for marriage simply because he doesn't want to get married is not an option. After all: MARRIAGE IS JUST A SYMBOL! The bloody church imposed this ritual on us. Not god. Not mother nature. Just some guys in robes and funny hats. It is about love and the likes, not sects and their rituals.

It may be just a symobol but it is important to some, myself included and I'm not religious. Pagans get married. It's not all about religion and it's not forced on us by the church.
If a guy doesn't want to get married then I would leave. If that leaves him heartbroken and in hell, well, thats his choice. Like leaving would be my choice.
Getting married is something I believe in and want. It's not some big day out, it's important to me. If a guy doesn't feel that way then thats his perogative. But it's mine to go and find someone who has the same values and goals as me. I don't think thats any more selfish than not getting married because you don't want to.
Freedom of choice etc.

morninwood

Fink Goddie wrote: »

Would ya give up friends for them??

Hypothetical really but if the situation would require it I would (but I probably wouldn't be with someone who doesn't like my friends in the first place;)).
I value love over friendship.

morninwood

ash23 wrote: »

If a guy doesn't feel that way then thats his perogative. But it's mine to go and find someone who has the same values and goals as me. I don't think thats any more selfish than not getting married because you don't want to.
Freedom of choice etc.

I see your point. My view on this is that you fell in love in a state of not being married. Nothing changed in terms of the circumstances making you love the person so why love the person less or even end loving them, which a break up will certainly cause? Seriously just for the ring? The gesture?

ash23

morninwood wrote: »

I see your point. My view on this is that you fell in love in a state of not being married. Nothing changed in terms of the circumstances making you love the person so why love the person less or even end loving them, which a break up will certainly cause? Seriously just for the ring? The gesture?

I get into a relationship with the aim of it being to get married and have children. For me that is the goal of a relationship. They don't all work out and they end for a variety of reasons but the ultimate goal of me getting involved is to get married and have children and hopefully have a lot of fun on that trek too.

I understand that not everyone has the same ultimate goal as me and thats fine. But I would end a relationship if I werent compatible with the person I was with. Be it sexually, emotionally or what we want or expect from life.

I don't know why marriage is important to me. I come from a "broken" home and am all too aware of how it can all go wrong. But I feel that being married is something I would value and treasure. Legally it is also important, in particular if children were involved.

It's not about the ring, the gesture etc. It's about everything. I can't explain it.
But yes, I think I would be disappointed if someone I loved didn't want to get married. It would make me doubt our relationship and the things we share. It would breed resentment and jealousy when others were getting married and it would destroy the relationship for me. I've been there. It's not a road I intend treading again.

morninwood

ash23 wrote: »

I get into a relationship with the aim of it being to get married and have children. For me that is the goal of a relationship. ... but the ultimate goal of me getting involved is to get married and have children and hopefully have a lot of fun on that trek too.

Slightly different approach on my end.
I get into relationship, because I value the other person and don't want to be without her. I will surely have a lot of fun and hopefully a lot of children on that trek too.
Your approach is a lovely one though. I hope you're all loved up and married with a lot of fun and children. I personally just wouldn't put the joys of being a couple with fun and kids second to marriage.

How Strange

OP, there are three different points in your thread.

SarahSassy wrote: »

What would you give up for the love of your life?

A damn lot I'd say but I'd have to be faced with a real situation to see just what or how much I'd give up.

SarahSassy wrote:

Things appear to have been said that led her to believe marriage was an option (after he gets his divorce) but when he was asked straight out if they would get married he said he didnt know and then said no when pressed.

Giving up things for the love of your life is one thing but being in a relationship where they want different things at the end is not necessarily giving something up, it's one party accepting to compromise on their beliefs to stay in the relationship. If he was upfront all along then yes, the other person would be giving up her goal of marriage but if he changed the goalposts during the relationship then it's deception. That's a bitter pill to sallow. I think that would test the limits of my love for my OH if he did this to me. I'd feel cheated.

What would you do? Stay with someone you love or leave cos you dont get the ring?

Third point. Well, it depends on whether you consider staying without a ring settling for second best because you're too scared to leave or if you consider staying ok because marriage isn't all that big a deal to you.

It depends on which is more important - your OH and the relationship you currently have together or getting married.

In the context of this dilemma, for me it would depend on whether or not marriage had been part of the plan all along and then he changed his mind. I personally couldn't stay in a relationship like that because I'd have no respect for myself and I'd definitely grow to resent him.

I'd rather be forever single, mad as a brush and have a house full of cats than know I settled for second best and threw my life away.

ash23

morninwood wrote: »

Slightly different approach on my end.
I get into relationship, because I value the other person and don't want to be without her. I will surely have a lot of fun and hopefully a lot of children on that trek too.
Your approach is a lovely one though. I hope you're all loved up and married with a lot of fun and children. I personally just wouldn't put the joys of being a couple with fun and kids second to marriage.

I had the same approach as you once upon a time
But once bitten, twice shy. It's not something I am willing to compromise on anymore.

ash23

How Strange wrote: »

If he was upfront all along then yes, the other person would be giving up her goal of marriage but if he changed the goalposts during the relationship then it's deception. That's a bitter pill to sallow. I think that would test the limits of my love for my OH if he did this to me. I'd feel cheated.

In the context of this dilemma, for me it would depend on whether or not marriage had been part of the plan all along and then he changed his mind. I personally couldn't stay in a relationship like that because I'd have no respect for myself and I'd definitely grow to resent him.

This is what happened to me. Initially marriage and babies were very much on the cards. I always made my intentions clear. And he was in agreement.

After 4 years it changed as I was starting to apply the pressure a bit and wanted to know when. I wasn't happy with "soon". We had the house, we were older, both had jobs etc. No real reason not to. After 5 years it was a real problem in the relationship. He eventually said he didn't want to get married or have babies.
I stupidly agreed to stay with him as I loved him. Duh.
It caused so many fights and so much hurt.
He ended up leaving me for a girl who was 19 :rolleyes:
He figured that by the time she wanted marriage and babies he might want that too.

So yeah, the goalposts were moved and I did feel decieved. I felt like I'd been strung along for years.

It won't be happening again!

the_syco

How Strange wrote: »

I'd rather be forever single, mad as a brush and have a house full of cats than know I settled for second best and threw my life away.

+1

ash23 wrote: »

So yeah, the goalposts were moved and I did feel decieved. I felt like I'd been strung along for years.

It won't be happening again!

With divorce being legal, if he marries just to please you, he can still part ways. All the the fights may still happen, and the breakdown can still occur. The ring isn't some magical bond.

ash23

the_syco wrote: »

With divorce being legal, if he marries just to please you, he can still part ways. All the the fights may still happen, and the breakdown can still occur. The ring isn't some magical bond.

I don't want someone to marry me just to please me. I want to marry someone who believes in the importance of marriage and who wants to be married to me, who has the intention of doing everything possible to make a marriage work because they believe in it's importance as much as I do.
And yes, divorce is there, marriages break down, I would rather be divorced than in a miserable marriage. I'm not old skool enough to think that marriage is forever and ever amen. i would hope it would be but sometimes that just isn't the case.

But if the marriage failed and ended in divorce, then at least the childrens rights and the rights of the spouses would be somewhat more protected than in the event of a common law spouse and children born out of marriage.

wicklori

I would be prepared to give up a lot for the right relationship. Things I never thought I would do are suddenly becoming fathomable-why? Because I know he would do the same for me.

I am considering moving countries to a big distance away from a lot of things that are very important to me, because with him it's part of our plan.

Previously I was in a relationship where at times I gave things up and compromised but it did not work out well at all. I have learned a lot in a short space of time that the other person needs to be able to make the same sacrifices right back.

Things like marriage and serious commitment to me are very important. Himself makes a really good point-marriage is just a piece of paper, the commitment should be in place long before a wedding. However, I do think that people in a relationship together should be able to work out a position on their future together which satisfies both parties. These things are too important.

pikachucheeks

"what would you give up for the love of your life?"

Honestly, pretty much nothing.

If someone truly loves you, surely they can accept you as you are, without wanting you to change? - and vice versa.

Sure, I could make some compromises and positive changes for the benefit of the relationship (Not going travelling without them, making joint decisions etc), but I'd never want to be a different person than who I am and I'd never "give up" my family or my friendships - Nothing is more important to me than them, and nothing ever will be.

Rondolfus

I gave up pretty much all of my female friendships.

Novella

What would I give up for the love of my life?

I've no idea tbh, 'cause I don't think I've ever had that "truly, madly, deeply" feeling yet. I know, though, that for certain people in my life (my grandad, two friends who've pretty much always been there etc.), I'd do next to the impossible for them.

It's hard to sum up how much you are willing to do exactly for someone until you are asked. However, I honestly would do anything within my power to make the one's I love happy.

Unconditional love is the highest payment so of course I'm gonna go the extra mile for those people.


As for the, would you stay with someone who wouldn't marry you question, again, I think it's a hard one to answer.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, personally I'm not a fan of marriage. I don't make promises I'm not 100% definite I'm gonna keep. How could I stand up and promise to love and cherish someone "'til death do us part"? All I could promise is that I'd try and that isn't really as romantic, is it?!

Imo, it's hard to commit to someone in that way because you can't see into the future. The very person you pledge your undying love to might go on to cheat on you etc. and I certainly don't believe in divorce. So I dunno, I'd find it extremely hard to get married.

However, with all that being said, there is a huge security that comes with getting married if you intend on having children with that person.

If you are unmarried, have a child, stay at home to look after that child while your partner works but then end up breaking up, you are not entitled to any of his/her money even though you pretty much did all the work behind the scenes. If you get married, you are entitled to something.

I don't think financial security should be the basis behind getting married though, I think it should come from somewhere more meaningful. Maybe that's just the romantic in me though!

I think I've gone completely off-topic here but basically, because marriage isn't hugely important to me then yeah, I more than likely would stay. I don't need a diamond or a white dress to validate my relationship.

Snowie

errrrrrr..

I dunno really i guess we all have to make sacrfices at some stage in our live's
I couldnt really say oh id so do this and that because tbh I dont know what id be asked to sacrifice.


the only thing i wouldnt sacrfice are my fammilly and friends if it was her or them id pick them every time.

The Big Red Button

Rondolfus wrote: »

I gave up pretty much all of my female friendships.

Well that was really, really silly, in my opinion.

Was she worth it?

Rondolfus

chatterpillar wrote: »

Well that was really, really silly, in my opinion.

Was she worth it?

I don't agree. When you're a teenager you have many friends of the opposite sex. Chances are you were involved in relationships etc with some, if not, all of them at some stage. When you get a little older and get involved in a serious relationship, it is only natural that your relationship with these people change. You can no longer text them on a regular basis, or go to the cinema with them, or meet up for drinks, because doing so would be innapropriate.

Its respecting your partner. I'd be pretty pissed off if my gf went to the cinema, or drink etc (on her own) with another guy. Its not really about cutting people out of your life, its more about changing your relationship with them. A guy involved in a relationship, who thinks he can maintain all his female friendships without change, is fooling himself. Vice-versa for women.

minidazzler

Rondolfus wrote: »

I don't agree. When you're a teenager you have many friends of the opposite sex. Chances are you were involved in relationships etc with some, if not, all of them at some stage. When you get a little older and get involved in a serious relationship, it is only natural that your relationship with these people change. You can no longer text them on a regular basis, or go to the cinema with them, or meet up for drinks, because doing so would be innapropriate.

Its respecting your partner. I'd be pretty pissed off if my gf went to the cinema, or drink etc (on her own) with another guy. Its not really about cutting people out of your life, its more about changing your relationship with them. A guy involved in a relationship, who thinks he can maintain all his female friendships without change, is fooling himself. Vice-versa for women.

Nah, That's BS TBH. If you are gonna change your relationships with Female friends, what about male friends??? Do you see them alot less?

TBH, I wouldn't change much for anyone. I like me. If someone asked me to get fitter, I would do it, because I like being fit but I am like an oscilloscope, I go up and down in fitness. So having motivation would be good!! But other than that, I don't think there is anyone I would stop speaking to because I am dating someone or in a relationship with them.

Anyone tries to force me to choose between them and someone else, it's the other person EVERY time.

Rondolfus

minidazzler wrote: »

Nah, That's BS TBH. If you are gonna change your relationships with Female friends, what about male friends??? Do you see them alot less?

Thats not the point. I wouldn't care if my GF was going to the cinema alone with one of her girlfriends, however, I would if it was a fella. Likewise She wouldn't be happy if I was meeting up with a female friend on my own either. The vast majority of relationships operate on this basis.

When I was single I regulary went to the cinema alone with female friends. When you're in a relationship, this doesn't happen ( and for good reason).

Im being realistic, not idealistic. No Gf in her right mind would feel comfortable if her fella was frequently going out alone with a famale friend. Some girls posting here might say otherwise, but before they start, I'd like to say I don't believe it one bit!

minidazzler

Rondolfus wrote: »

Thats not the point. I wouldn't care if my GF was going to the cinema alone with one of her girlfriends, however, I would if it was a fella. Likewise She wouldn't be happy if I was meeting up with a female friend on my own either. The vast majority of relationships operate on this basis.

When I was single I regulary went to the cinema alone with female friends. When you're in a relationship, this doesn't happen ( and for good reason).

Im being realistic, not idealistic. No Gf in her right mind would feel comfortable if her fella was frequently going out alone with a famale friend. Some girls posting here might say otherwise, but before they start, I'd like to say I don't believe it one bit!

TBH, BULL. It doesn't make a girl crazy if she can TRUST a guy and vice Versa.

Why would someone have a relationship without trust?

Rondolfus

minidazzler wrote: »

TBH, BULL. It doesn't make a girl crazy if she can TRUST a guy and vice Versa.

Why would someone have a relationship without trust?

Its not about trust. Its about social norms. My gf has absolutley no problem with me going out with friends without her. She has absolutley no problem with me going on stag nights, or lads holidays etc etc etc. Same applies for me.

However, there are certain things you just don't do when you are in a proper relationship, one of them is meeting up alone with friends of the opposite sex. Whatever you may think, the majority of couples in real life would agree with me.

Remember, what people say on boards and what they do in real life are often two totally different things. Im sure girls and guys will come on here saying "it wouldn't bother me at all blah blah blah." Strange how I have yet to meet one person in real life that disagrees with me, they must all save themselves to post all their idealistic crap on the internet. Its also interesting to note that the majority of people that appear to think this way are single!! HMMMM wonder why.

minidazzler

Rondolfus wrote: »

Its not about trust. Its about social norms. My gf has absolutley no problem with me going out with friends without her. She has absolutley no problem with me going on stag nights, or lads holidays etc etc etc. Same applies for me.

However, there are certain things you just don't do when you are in a proper relationship, one of them is meeting up alone with friends of the opposite sex. Whatever you may think, the majority of couples in real life would agree with me.

Remember, what people say on boards and what they do in real life are often two totally different things. Im sure girls and guys will come on here saying "it wouldn't bother me at all blah blah blah." Strange how I have yet to meet one person in real life that disagrees with me, they must all save themselves to post all their idealistic crap on the internet. Its also interesting to note that the majority of people that appear to think this way are single!! HMMMM wonder why.

I'd rather be single than be controlled by social norms TBH.

And have you asked EVERYONE you have met in real life if they agree?

TBH, I think it's Bull, if it's your opinion, that's fine, though I wouldn't respect that as an opinon myself.

Novella

Rondolfus wrote: »

Its not about trust. Its about social norms. My gf has absolutley no problem with me going out with friends without her. She has absolutley no problem with me going on stag nights, or lads holidays etc etc etc. Same applies for me.

However, there are certain things you just don't do when you are in a proper relationship, one of them is meeting up alone with friends of the opposite sex. Whatever you may think, the majority of couples in real life would agree with me.

Remember, what people say on boards and what they do in real life are often two totally different things. Im sure girls and guys will come on here saying "it wouldn't bother me at all blah blah blah." Strange how I have yet to meet one person in real life that disagrees with me, they must all save themselves to post all their idealistic crap on the internet. Its also interesting to note that the majority of people that appear to think this way are single!! HMMMM wonder why.

I don't agree with you at all, sorry.

If a boyfriend ever told me he didn't want me to hang out with other guys on my own or without him, I'd actually be beyond offended. I think it shows a huge amount of distrust and I wouldn't wanna be with someone who felt I was incapable of being around the opposite sex without wanting to fcuk them or whatever. Seriously!

I would never, ever commit myself to a man who expected me in return to essentially ditch any of my male friendships. Also, I would have no qualms about my boyfriend hanging out in the company of other women.

To finish, I'm not one to present myself in a way other than I am. What I say on Boards, I mean and I do in real life.

Rondolfus

minidazzler wrote: »

I'd rather be single than be controlled by social norms TBH.

And have you asked EVERYONE you have met in real life if they agree?

TBH, I think it's Bull, if it's your opinion, that's fine, though I wouldn't respect that as an opinon myself.

Oh **** no!! I actually haven't asked EVERYONE. You got me there!:rolleyes:
There's me thinking you can make and form an opinion based on personal experience, but you're right, I need to ask EVERYONE on the planet before I do that.

Thanks for telling me my opinion is fine. I can sleep soundly now.

I don't respect your opinion either... but I also think that its FINE that you have an opinion. lol

Good luck with finding that "open" stye relationship or whatever you're looking for. I'm sure the girls will be queing up for an arrangement like that...becuase we all know that what a girl really wants is for her BF to have the freedom to see other women. lol

Rondolfus

Novella wrote: »

I don't agree with you at all, sorry.

If a boyfriend ever told me he didn't want me to hang out with other guys on my own or without him, I'd actually be beyond offended. I think it shows a huge amount of distrust and I wouldn't wanna be with someone who felt I was incapable of being around the opposite sex without wanting to fcuk them or whatever. Seriously!

I would never, ever commit myself to a man who expected me in return to essentially ditch any of my male friendships. Also, I would have no qualms about my boyfriend hanging out in the company of other women.

To finish, I'm not one to present myself in a way other than I am. What I say on Boards, I mean and I do in real life.

Well you and minidazzler will make a good couple so.

Its not about being in the company of women. Its about going out alone with them. I'd love to see your reaction if your BF said, "sorry I can't see you tonight I'm going for a drink with (busty blonde) "Jane"."

Yea Im sure you'd take it well :rolleyes:

I_am_Jebus

Rondolfus

I am sorry I am inclined to agree with Novella and Minidazzler on this one. If you can't trust your OH then you don't have a basis for a relationship in my opinion.

While I am single now, in previous relationships I have often gone out with female friends on my own (drinks or cinemas etc) and my GF has gone out with her male friends on similar nights out.

Basically, I am 26, I have made a number of friends both male and female over my life and if I met a girl tomorrow and started a relationship how would you expect me (or anyone) to drop all of my friends of the opposite sex? That's ridiculous. It is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without a physical/intimate attraction or desire..

Novella

Rondolfus wrote: »

Well you and minidazzler will make a good couple so.

Its not about being in the company of women. Its about going out alone with them. I'd love to see your reaction if your BF said, "sorry I can't see you tonight I'm going for a drink with (busty blonde) "Jane"."

Yea Im sure you'd take it well :rolleyes:

I can't actually take you seriously!!

If my boyfriend was going out for a drink with a friend of his, great! If she had big boobs, fcuking wonderful! I don't spend my time in relationships doubting my partners fidelity.

Rondolfus

Novella wrote: »

I can't actually take you seriously!!

If my boyfriend was going out for a drink with a friend of his, great! If she had big boobs, fcuking wonderful! I don't spend my time in relationships doubting my partners fidelity.

Frankly I don't believe, or take you seriously. I don't believe you have been in relationship where this issue was relevant. Talk is cheap... and I reiterate most of the people following your logic are SINGLE!

There might be something in that lol

Rondolfus

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Rondolfus

I am sorry I am inclined to agree with Novella and Minidazzler on this one. If you can't trust your OH then you don't have a basis for a relationship in my opinion.

While I am single now, in previous relationships I have often gone out with female friends on my own (drinks or cinemas etc) and my GF has gone out with her male friends on similar nights out.

Basically, I am 26, I have made a number of friends both male and female over my life and if I met a girl tomorrow and started a relationship how would you expect me (or anyone) to drop all of my friends of the opposite sex? That's ridiculous. It is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without a physical/intimate attraction or desire..

So considering none of your relationships have worked, how are you so confident your philosophy is correct??????? IMO it never works, and despite what you think, the reality of your post suggest I am right.

I_am_Jebus

Rondolfus wrote: »

So considering none of your relationships have worked, how are you so confident your philosophy is correct??????? IMO it never works, and despite what you think, the reality of your post suggest I am right.

so basically what you're saying is that the only element that makes a relationship work (or not) is the control each partner has on the other to restrict them from having friends of the opposite sex. Interesting and warped view you have there.

oh and actually I can pinpoint the exact reason(s) why my previous relationships didn;t work and none of those reasons relate to my friends (female or male).

minidazzler

Rondolfus wrote: »

Frankly I don't believe, or take you seriously. I don't believe you have been in relationship where this issue was relevant. Talk is cheap... and I reiterate most of the people following your logic are SINGLE!

There might be something in that lol

Rondolfus wrote: »

So considering none of your relationships have worked, how are you so confident your philosophy is correct??????? IMO it never works, and despite what you think, the reality of your post suggest I am right.

What is wrong with you? Did a girl cheat on you?

They are CURRENTLY Single, there are THOUSANDS of reasons relationships end.

You sir are annoying as hell, and I am stopping myself saying things, because I like not being banned.

I_am_Jebus

minidazzler wrote: »

What is wrong with you? Did a girl cheat on you?

They are CURRENTLY Single, there are THOUSANDS of reasons relationships end.

You sir are annoying as hell, and I am stopping myself saying things, because I like not being banned.

If there was a clap hands emoticon I'd use it right now.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Novella

Rondolfus wrote: »

Frankly I don't believe, or take you seriously. I don't believe you have been in relationship where this issue was relevant. Talk is cheap... and I reiterate most of the people following your logic are SINGLE!

There might be something in that lol

Tbh, I find what you are saying to me completely offensive. You don't know me AT ALL so you have NO IDEA what kind of relationships I have or haven't been in.

I'd appreciate it if you weren't so condescending towards me and if you feel you can't argue your point without verging on being a troll, then please don't bother.

Rondolfus

minidazzler wrote: »

What is wrong with you? Did a girl cheat on you?

They are CURRENTLY Single, there are THOUSANDS of reasons relationships end.

You sir are annoying as hell, and I am stopping myself saying things, because I like not being banned.

Wow, am I speaking to Doctor Phil here?? Your knowledge of the affairs of the heart are so deep. You should start your own thread and start dishing out some advice. The people of ireland demand it!


Pretty please don't get banned. I feel I can learn so much from you!

minidazzler

Rondolfus wrote: »

Wow, am I speaking to Doctor Phil here?? Your knowledge of the affairs of the heart are so deep. You should start your own thread and start dishing out some advice. The people of ireland demand it!
!

YOu have no idea how good I am at this stuff!! Doctor Phil Is a hack compared to me!

Wibbs

Rondolfus dunno what has put a bee in your bonnet, but pull your head back in please. Let's ALL keep this civil and lets keep conjecture about anothers relationship history out of things. Thank you.

Wibbs

I have to say I would be somewhere in the middle of both sides TBH. My partner going out with mates, without me? Hell yes. Going out with the same guy alone on a regular basis? Nope, not unless he was gay. It would depend on the guy involved and I would have to meet him. If he was one of her single orbiters who had a crush on her for years and she wasn't interested fine(though I would think a little less of her if she knew this and kept him dangling). Ditto again fine if he was in a couple himself and they were actual friends. Some significant ex of hers? Nope, except in rare circumstances.

Hard to explain really, I would have to meet him. Lots of grey areas, so it would be an organic thing for me whether I would be fine with it. It would also depend on the woman. Some can be too easily convinced and too eager to please. Though that type of person I wouldnt be serious about(hopefully) so that points moot.

Trust is fine. I freely give it, so long as it's earned and I know the lay of the land. Why? Because I've been that other guy and stuff happened. More than once and the boyfriend remained oblivious and I've seen too many women(and men) lie very very well about nothing happening. I've also been the boyfriend on a couple of occasions. So maybe I'm projecting my own experience here, but there it is.

I suppose I would be practical about this stuff, so can see where Rondolfus is coming from. Looking at solid couples over the years, I would say few enough would be that free and easy about overly close mates of the opposite sex. When I mean solid couples I dont mean couples under the 2 or 3 year relationship length mark. They're an entirely different category and I would largely discount them TBH. I mean those who have gone well beyond that. They're the yardstick.

Cows Go µ

Reading Rondolfus' posts actually made me laugh. Last Friday night me and my boyfriend went out but not together. I went to see Fred with one of my best friends, who is a guy who I spend most days talking to (basically nearly all the time I'm not talking to my bf, we are really close) and my boyfriend went to meet up with one of his best friends, a girl. Who he happened to have a massive crush on the year or two before we started going out. But we are both completely okay with it, we met up after for cuddles and to chat about the two occasions (I'm a huge Fred fan and he doesn't get to talk to his friend often as she's moved to Dublin so they were both pretty big to us). We actually trust each other in our relationship and that neither of us would do anything to break that trust.

If he asked me to stop being friends with all my guy friends, its very unlikely we would still be going out. Nearly all my friends are guys and I would be lost without them. But then, its okay because he actually loves me and trusts me

Rondolfus

Wibbs wrote: »

I have to say I would be somewhere in the middle of both sides TBH. My partner going out with mates, without me? Hell yes. Going out with the same guy alone on a regular basis? Nope, not unless he was gay. It would depend on the guy involved and I would have to meet him. If he was one of her single orbiters who had a crush on her for years and she wasn't interested fine(though I would think a little less of her if she knew this and kept him dangling). Ditto again fine if he was in a couple himself and they were actual friends. Some significant ex of hers? Nope, except in rare circumstances.

Hard to explain really, I would have to meet him. Lots of grey areas, so it would be an organic thing for me whether I would be fine with it. It would also depend on the woman. Some can be too easily convinced and too eager to please. Though that type of person I wouldnt be serious about(hopefully) so that points moot.

Trust is fine. I freely give it, so long as it's earned and I know the lay of the land. Why? Because I've been that other guy and stuff happened. More than once and the boyfriend remained oblivious and I've seen too many women(and men) lie very very well about nothing happening. I've also been the boyfriend on a couple of occasions. So maybe I'm projecting my own experience here, but there it is.

I suppose I would be practical about this stuff, so can see where Rondolfus is coming from. Looking at solid couples over the years, I would say few enough would be that free and easy about overly close mates of the opposite sex. When I mean solid couples I dont mean couples under the 2 or 3 year relationship length mark. They're an entirely different category and I would largely discount them TBH. I mean those who have gone well beyond that. They're the yardstick.

Exactly, I agree with all of this.

There's trust and there's being a little naive. When you're in a solid relationship as you said, there is more at stake so its natural that "such arrangments" are less common than in younger relationships. And you're spot on with the following

Wibbs wrote: »

Trust is fine. I freely give it, so long as it's earned and I know the lay of the land. Why? Because I've been that other guy and stuff happened. More than once and the boyfriend remained oblivious and I've seen too many women(and men) lie very very well about nothing happening. I've also been the boyfriend on a couple of occasions. So maybe I'm projecting my own experience here, but there it is..

On a side issue, some men and women tend to use friendship as a stepping stone into a romantic relationship. Often one "Friend" has unrequited feelings for the other and they only accelerate when their friend is in relationship.A major warning sign is the person speaking badly about your partner. Your partner may be fully trustworthy, but why should you trust the other person?? From my experience men usually have an underlying agenda if they want to "meet up" alone with a girl who is already in a relationship. Before all the idealists jump on this post, I'd like to say of course they are probably the exception to the rule...

Wibbs

Rondolfus wrote: »

There's trust and there's being a little naive. When you're in a solid relationship as you said, there is more at stake so its natural that "such arrangments" are less common than in younger relationships.

Yep the timing of the relationship can have an effect. In the first two years then you're in the "this could never end, we love each other soooooo much" lovely romantic madness stage:). TBH if I wanted to "steal" someone away from another, I wouldnt even bother then. Largely pointless. 3 or 4 years in? When the shine has gone of it a little and the relationship is on a practical footing? That would be a more dangerous time altogether. If people are going to leave or cheat, or both, that's when it's far more likely to happen. Particularly in the 20's. It's when there can be too much of a case of getting into a rut and taking the foot of the accelerator pedal. Men in particular tend to be more likely to get lazy emotionally and romantically then and women tend to start thinking, is this it? So perfect time for some guy to look like a better bet, especially if he's around in the background a lot and they're meeting a lot. What looks like and is trust from a partner in the early stages, can look a lot like indifference in the later stage. I would say more for the ladies too.

On a side issue, some men and women tend to use friendship as a stepping stone into a romantic relationship. Often one "Friend" has unrequited feelings for the other and they only accelerate when their friend is in relationship.A major warning sign is the person speaking badly about your partner.

The friendship to relationship thing is more a male notion I would say. It's also quite rare IMHO for it to go from one to the other from a woman's point of view. More likely a guy who they like as a person, but isn't really a friend, or act like one is the dangerous one. Also I would say speaking badly about someones partner is the worst thing you could do if you were trying to get somewhere. What will happen IME is they'll start defending them and you'll look bad. The best thing to do was to actually say nothing at all, ignore their existence. If they brought them up, then commenting on how great they seemed, actually tended to make them look at their partners faults. The more you say things like "but he does this and this for you etc", the more people tend to concentrate on the things they're not doing. Then you start to look like a nice guy, but not in an unsexy way. Told you I had my time as a right prick. Did me absolutely no good at all though, besides learning more about myself and what not to be.

Your partner may be fully trustworthy, but why should you trust the other person??

I'd have to disagree with you there. Personally if I trust my partner, what anyone else does or tries to do doesn't figure on my radar. They can't force them to do anything and if a partner is so scatterbrained as to be led on, then I would advise any man or woman to drop them like a hot rock.

From my experience men usually have an underlying agenda if they want to "meet up" alone with a girl who is already in a relationship. Before all the idealists jump on this post, I'd like to say of course they are probably the exception to the rule...

I would somewhat agree. It depends on the guy and the nature of the relationship as mates. I have actual woman mates. Never did anything with them, never had feelings for them or them for me. I even have women mates where we may have snogged in the past, but it was a one off and we both reckoned no. Even at my sluttiest most devious stage, they couldn't have been more "safe" with me than if I was gay or another woman. Many times their boyfriends did have an issue with it and we agreed that we should not meet up as much for the sake of her relationship. Ironically the times when the boyfriends didn't have any obvious issue where the times were sometimes something did happen. I think because the boyfriend looked indifferent and also afraid to put his foot down in case he lost her.