Would you be happy being 2nd best?

SarahSassy

Lets imagine a guy whose friend who is getting married but not marrying the true love of his life. He loves her and is happy but not as much as with his ex. He is happy to be just 'happy'. Imagine his fiancee is over the moon

Would you prefer to be single for the rest of your days or be married / settled but blissfully unaware that you are not the love of your OH's life?

Is her OH doing the right thing by marrying her?

Lady Davenport

SarahSassy wrote: »

Another post there about a guy's friend who is not marrying the love of his life but loves her and is happy to be just 'happy'.

His fiancee is over the moon?

Would you prefer not to meet someone for the rest of your days or be blissfully unaware that you are not the love of your OH's life but married?

Is her OH doing the right thing my marrying her?

Sorry Sarah, but I've read and re-read your post but I'm not quite getting it! The first bit is fine, but the rest I can't tie together with the first paragraph lol. Are you asking if we'd be happy with this arrangement? And second best to whom?

jdivision

I'd hope never to be settled for and would hope never to have to settle for somebody. I just see so many of my friends who got married or are with people who are wrong for them and you can see the heartbreak coming. It's like car crash television.

SarahSassy

Lady Davenport wrote: »

Sorry Sarah, but I've read and re-read your post but I'm not quite getting it! The first bit is fine, but the rest I can't tie together with the first paragraph lol. Are you asking if we'd be happy with this arrangement? And second best to whom?

Sorry - hope it makes sense now.

Wibbs

Well for me anyway if I don't feel it 100% there's no point. Even if I did and found out I was the boobie prize/safety net/fallback I would walk in a heartbeat.

If I had a mate in either camp I would say walk. Given that many if not the majority of relationships go south and those that get to the altar have between a 30 to 50% rate of going south depending on ease of divorce, I say better be safe than sorry on that score.

I have seen a number of people settle though. Both women and men, but Id say more women.

Kooli

This is such a selfish and horrible thing to say, but hearing these stories sometimes makes me feel better...

OK, better explain myself.

When I hear about divorce rates, how many marriages end, I just find myself despairing thinking 'How do I know if that will be me or not?' and 'Wow, it can happen to anyone - what's to say my relationship is different?'

Stories like this make me feel better cos I can say these relationships are the reason so many marriages fail - they should not have got married in the first place. They should not have settled. (That may not be the actual reason for high divorce rates, I realise that, but I choose to believe it!)

So no, i would never settle.

banie01

I'd be interested in hearing views on this topic and some of the replies so far are v.interesting!
Personally I think the one you're with should always be foremost in your heart(Apart from your kids of course)
My partner of 12yrs died just over 2 and a half years ago and one of my biggest fears in moving towards a new relationship is knowing that whomever I get with IS 2nd best!
No matter how much I feel for her, the comparison will always be there.
Hopefully only subconciuosly or at least subvocally on my part, but my family, my partners family my friends everyone would always be comparing any new GF to a ghost, and how do you beat a ghost?
Paradoxically the fact is that if I care enough to want to be with someone.....
Then I care too much to ever want to deliberatly hurt her by making her ever feel 2nd to anyone!

So to answer the OPs question I suppose I'll be staying single

SarahSassy

banie01 wrote: »

I'd be interested in hearing views on this topic and some of the replies so far are v.interesting!
Personally I think the one you're with should always be foremost in your heart(Apart from your kids of course)
My partner of 12yrs died just over 2 and a half years ago and one of my biggest fears in moving towards a new relationship is knowing that whomever I get with IS 2nd best!
No matter how much I feel for her, the comparison will always be there.
Hopefully only subconciuosly or at least subvocally on my part, but my family, my partners family my friends everyone would always be comparing any new GF to a ghost, and how do you beat a ghost?
Paradoxically the fact is that if I care enough to want to be with someone.....
Then I care too much to ever want to deliberatly hurt her by making her ever feel 2nd to anyone!

So to answer the OPs question I suppose I'll be staying single

I have to be honest, it would be a strong concern of mine if I ever were to meet a widower. You cant possibly nag less than a ghost can...

banie01

SarahSassy wrote: »

I have to be honest, it would be a strong concern of mine if I ever were to meet a widower. You cant possibly nag less than a ghost can...

LOL.....True true!

Ickle Magoo

I think it's hard enough to have a loving, mutually respective, long lasting marriage without one half walking down the aisle in love with someone else. I'd rather be single than with a guy who was in love with someone else, never mind marrying him!

I think the one exception to that would be a widower, whom I'd expect to have lost their first love and only be in love with me because of that loss.

carolinespring

I would need to know my husband loved me more than anything and that I wasnt his second choice. That he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I could not and never would settle for second best. I love and value me more that that!!!!

bronte

God no! I would hate to end up with someone who felt I was second best.
Much rather be alone.

Clare Bear

bronte wrote: »

God no! I would hate to end up with someone who felt I was second best.
Much rather be alone.

+1 I've always said it, I would HATE to settle with someone just because the only other alternative is being alone. I'd much rather be on my own than live the rest of my life with someone who I just settled for because nothing better had come along. The same goes for someone settling with me, I want to be someone's everything, not just a "she'll do".

Censorsh!t

I really would hate being second best. If I knew the person who I was second to (and knew I was second best), i would be constantly jealous. Who would want to be in that situation, feeling like you must aspire to be the other person so that your other half will love you more? Horrible!

I've specifically stayed away from a few guys for this reason. I always had the "hot" friend, and if a guy couldnt get with her, they'd sometimes try me. No chance!

Boston

SarahSassy wrote: »

Lets imagine a guy whose friend who is getting married but not marrying the true love of his life. He loves her and is happy but not as much as with his ex. He is happy to be just 'happy'. Imagine his fiancee is over the moon

Would you prefer to be single for the rest of your days or be married / settled but blissfully unaware that you are not the love of your OH's life?

Is her OH doing the right thing by marrying her?

True love? As opposed to that fake love which is making him happy and confident in the future they have together? Anyway, grass is always greener, bastards/bitches are always legends when time washes away the hurt and pain no one can compete with a memory of love. The relationship ended for a reason, probably a valid one.

Blush_01

As Ickle Magoo said, it can be hard enough when you're the first choice, why set yourself up to fail?

My heart would break if I found out I was second choice (unless I was with a widower - it'd be kind of expected, but at the same time I'd expect it to be a little like a parent in a way e.g. you'd love that person totally, but you'd still love the person you'd lost totally, just in a different way. Many parents say they love each of their children with their whole hearts, but in different ways. I don't know if I'm making any sense.) because life throws enough at you from time to time that even the most solid of relationships face challenges. Why sign up for something you're not totally committed to?

I'm a bit ruined. I see how good my parents relationship is and want something comparable. I also see how my friends and relation's parents are. They just don't seem as solid.

I don't think it's wrong to expect someone to try to give 100% if you're going to give 100% too.

One of my favourite quotes of all time is from Hugh Leonard's autobiographical novel "Home Before Night". In it he speaks of his parents, and says "In every relationship there is the lover and the loved, and the loved always has the upper hand."

While I agree with what he says, you have to be committed enough to want to make it work long-term, otherwise you're just lining lots of people up for a fall.

SeekUp

SarahSassy wrote: »

Would you prefer to be single for the rest of your days or be married / settled but blissfully unaware that you are not the love of your OH's life?

If I was blissfully unaware that I wasn't the love of his life, what difference would it make?

Many successful marriages are based on trust, honesty, loyalty, and companionship, not necessarily being the love of each other's lives. are those instances the ideal? Is it what we strive for? No, in most cases probably not. But it works for many people.

I would prefer to be settled with someone who feels about me the same way I feel about them. Period. But if I didn't find that, and instead I found someone who, even though I wasn't the love of his life, I enjoyed and trusted, who made me laugh and who was there for me when I needed, who wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, well . . . I don't think that's so bad either.

Fink Goddie

SeekUp wrote: »

If I was blissfully unaware that I wasn't the love of his life, what difference would it make?

Exactly, most people wont know that they arent the love of their future husband/wifes lives.
If you cant have the love of your life for some reason then you have to move on and find second best.

Wibbs

Boston wrote: »

True love? As opposed to that fake love which is making him happy and confident in the future they have together? Anyway, grass is always greener, bastards/bitches are always legends when time washes away the hurt and pain no one can compete with a memory of love. The relationship ended for a reason, probably a valid one.

Good points.

Though I reckon many relationships end out of nothing more than boredom. It's dressed up in different ways, but mostly down to that. Especially younger ones.

pikachucheeks

bronte wrote: »

God no! I would hate to end up with someone who felt I was second best.
Much rather be alone.

+ 1.

I'd never put up with being second best or a last resort in a relationship. If the person liked someone more than me, they should be with them.

I'd want to the other person to be enthused and excited to be with me, not half-arsed, secretly seeking someone else.

Degsy

pikachucheeks wrote: »

+ 1.

I'd never put up with being second best or a last resort in a relationship. If the person liked someone more than me, they should be with them.

I'd want to the other person to be enthused and excited to be with me, not half-arsed, secretly seeking someone else.

Exactly..if the person i was with wasnt commited to our relationship and to me then there's no point in it.
Everybody should be allowed to feel they're the important one in the eyes of the other!

Novella

If I was blissfully unaware that I was second best, it really would make NO difference to me at all. What a person doesn't know, doesn't hurt them.

However, I'd obviously rather not be second best to someone. Personally, I wouldn't be with a guy if I was always thinking he was just living in someone else's shadow. It'd bother me. If I can't have someone who is just everything to me, then I don't want anyone! All or nothing. I'd hope it'd be the same for my partner.

Degsy

Novella wrote: »

If I was blissfully unaware that I was second best, it really would make NO difference to me at all. What a person doesn't know, doesn't hurt them.

Untill somehow you manage to find out..then you're gonna feel hurt,stupid and angry all in one go no matter what!

Novella

Degsy wrote: »

Untill somehow you manage to find out..then you're gonna feel hurt,stupid and angry all in one go no matter what!

I wouldn't necessarily find out though. If I did, yeah, sure, that'd be devastating. If I didn't, I'd think I'd have had the perfect 50/50 relationship all along.

Degsy

Novella wrote: »

I wouldn't necessarily find out though. If I did, yeah, sure, that'd be devastating. If I didn't, I'd think I'd have had the perfect 50/50 relationship all along.

It all depends on how much you like the person i guess..if it was me and i found out i'd been sharing somebody i was mad about i'd go crazy..it does nothing for your self-esteem or trust issues!

Blush_01

Novella wrote: »

If I was blissfully unaware that I was second best, it really would make NO difference to me at all. What a person doesn't know, doesn't hurt them.

Everything comes out at some stage.

Trust and honesty are corner stones of a good relationship. If you're second best and the one you're with isn't honest about their feelings, then what else are they lying about or omitting?

Everyone deserves the chance to be with the person who is best for them. No settling. Relationships are not impulse buys or panic shopping - or at least they shouldn't be.

itsallaboutheL

Degsy wrote: »

It all depends on how much you like the person i guess..

THIS.

(I know i'm an idiot, but if she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and said **** it i'll give it a go..... i'd be ecstatic.

Now i don't even want to think about what that says about me...)

There should be a caveat here but i'm having trouble articulating it!

Novella

Blush_01 wrote: »

Everything comes out at some stage.

Trust and honesty are corner stones of a good relationship. If you're second best and the one you're with isn't honest about their feelings, then what else are they lying about or omitting?

Everyone deserves the chance to be with the person who is best for them. No settling. Relationships are not impulse buys or panic shopping - or at least they shouldn't be.

Everything doesn't come out eventually. That's what parents tell their children to make them realise that lying is "naughty".

In the real world, deceit is everywhere. Imo, many people are dazed by love and simply want to believe that their relationships are trust filled and perfect.

You can never see inside another persons head. You can never be 100% certain you are not being compared to a previous partner or whatever.

Of course everyone deserves a perfect, fairytale romance but the fact is, life isn't a movie. Sometimes people do just settle.

I know a guy who is 23 and engaged to his girlfriend of 5 years. He openly admits to everyone that he wants to have sex with every woman he sees and that he proposed to her because he felt like he had to. I just can't get my head around it at all. Why, like? At 23 as well, it's not as if he's 39 and feeling like he needs to settle down fast to have kids.

Blush_01

There's a big difference between being someone who is loved by someone who has loved someone greatly before, and being someone who is second best in in that person's eyes.

It might be naive and idealistic of me, but I wouldn't settle, and I'd hate to think that someone I cared a lot about was only settling with me.

Things do have a way of coming out, I've seen it often enough over the past two or three years in extended family.

betterlife

If I were the 2nd best, I would marry my OH as long as he loves me.
The reasons are:
1) He is not in touch with the Ex now, so just let her in his memory;
2) Somebody else would be no better than him. Most man have Ex gf.

dearg lady

I don't mean to sound patronising, but the people replying vehemently no way, I wonder how old you are? I'm 26 now, so still plenty of time to meet a man but in ten years how will I be feeling, in 20 years?

I think there's a lot of nuances to the situation that make it difficult to say point blank no way. Second best is a pretty horrible sounding idea, but there'll always be people out there prettier, or kinder, or funnier or sexier etc. And I'm sure there'll be moments where he would be thinking,she's really wreckin my head, my ex never did that!!

Amy33

SarahSassy wrote: »

Lets imagine a guy whose friend who is getting married but not marrying the true love of his life. He loves her and is happy but not as much as with his ex. He is happy to be just 'happy'. Imagine his fiancee is over the moon

Would you prefer to be single for the rest of your days or be married / settled but blissfully unaware that you are not the love of your OH's life?

Is her OH doing the right thing by marrying her?

I actually want to be single for the rest of my days anyway, think marriage is a bit of a joke.

marmalade3

trish990 wrote: »

I actually want to be single for the rest of my days anyway, think marriage is a bit of a joke.

Don't bash it till you've tried it Trish;)

chocgirl

My immediate reply would be no! There'd always be the elephant in the room and you never know if that ex will come back into his life. However I am young and time is one my side so maybe I'll change my mind as I get older but I doubt it!

exsting

Sorry I don't wanna settle for being second best, if he's marrying someone else
I'd take a hyke and change my phone number so he can't call me again.
I'd be too busy lookin for another boyfriend.

SeekUp

Degsy wrote: »

Exactly..if the person i was with wasnt commited to our relationship and to me then there's no point in it.
Everybody should be allowed to feel they're the important one in the eyes of the other!

Just because you're not the love of someone's life doesn't necessarily mean that they're not committed to the relationship. Nor does it necessarily mean that they don't think you're important! Imo, anyway.

Wibbs

Yea but why would anyone be with someone who they didnt feel was the love of their lives tm. I know I couldn't. Indeed I couldn't go out with someone if I felt they weren't or there was another woman. Especially an ex in the background of my emotional landscape that I considered The One tm. It would feel waaaay too practical. I dunno wrong word, it would be like "well I love/loved X completely, more than I love Y, but Y is in my life and loves me and I need a partner so I'll go along with it". Bad plan in my humble.

I know people, men and women who have done that. They have ok marriages/relationships but it's easy to see there's something missing. Hell they've told me there is. And this could be 15 years later.

One woman I know for yonks. Her love of her life and her met when they were a bit too young for it to last. Bad timing basically. She's hitched, but he isn't. I've been with her when they bumped into each other and 10 years on the spark between them is obvious. They have an amazing compatibility. They might bump into each other once evry year or so and it's as if they've never been apart. Neither would ever do anything about it as they're both loyal and reliable types, but I know he has regrets(and his relationships dont last) and she defo has as she has told me more than once. She loves her husband, but not nearly to the degree she loved and indeed still loves this other guy.

I would hate to be her husband and I would hate even more to be her. I just couldnt do it. Id' rather be on my ownsome TBH.

iguana

dearg lady wrote: »

I don't mean to sound patronising, but the people replying vehemently no way, I wonder how old you are? I'm 26 now, so still plenty of time to meet a man but in ten years how will I be feeling, in 20 years?

Exactly. My initial instinct is to say no way, but my husband and I met at 23 and 24. I have no idea what it's like to be in my mid-30s or 40s/50s and still be alone.

What I do know is that a lot of the great things come with a marriage besides passionate love. A level of friendship that can only come from sharing your whole life, shared trust, always having someone to turn to. Someone who knows you and cares for you. Someone to help you when you are sick or stressed or frightened. Regular safe, enjoyable sex. Children and someone to share the joys and responsibilities of parenting with. A partner who always has your back.

Of course it's best if you have all of that from someone you love in every way, with every part of you. Someone who feels the same about you. But if you can't find that are you supposed to do without all the rest? Really? I'm sorry, but that sounds like cutting your nose off to spite your face. It's fine if you don't want to share your life with someone, but if you do, is someone who is second best really worse than nobody at all?

Another thing to consider is that love can grow. I know quite a few people who have arranged marriages. One of my close friends married her husband after meeting him for a few hours two days before their wedding. I used to be completely horrified for her. If I'm honest I didn't really consider her marriage to be a proper marriage, a partnership. But nothing could be further from the truth, she and her husband appear to love each other completely. On the one hand I know she was very, very lucky for her marriage to work out like that, her life could have turned out awfully. But I also know quite a few people in similar marriages who are genuinely very happy.

So the way I see it, there are all types of love. All types of relationships. To feel that one kind, my kind, is the best is very arrogant and short sighted. I think people should keep their minds and hearts open to as much as possible because by closing yourself off from different possibilities you could miss out on something that could be wonderful.