Relationships with single Mothers(or Fathers)

Otis Driftwood

Good afternoon all.

I recently met someone that is a couple of years older than me and it turns out she has a 9 year old.Now when I was younger I swore I could never get into a relationship with someone that had kids but as Ive gotten older my attitude has changed somewhat in that respect.We certainly arent a couple at the moment but I am quite taken with her and I do see definite potential there.

So my question is would you or are you in a relationship with someone that has a kid or kids from a past relationship.A number of my friends would run a mile from this situation and as Ive said,I would have been of this mindset a few years ago but I like to think I have matured and that it doesnt really matter to me nowadays.

What do the gents and ladies think about this.Would a child be a deal breaker and if so why?

As always,all feedback welcomed.

Khannie

My wife was a single mum when I met her. nuf said.

On the flip side though, I'd hate for it to go sour and then you've no access to a kid you've become attached to.

Snowie

I'm kinda in the same situation as you to a degree ned.
as khannie said if yu get a attached to the child the other thing is the xbf, could decide to sh!t stir, which could cause the down fall of things.

To be honest I try to be fair, I only no her now, I didn't really know her that well before hand. What happened in the past stays in the past, to me it's not so much a deal breaker but its a concern, I would take some time to get to her know her, and also look at the releationship with the x.

but to be honest No not really something that would bother me.

Tho it was interesting I was in one of the pubs i drink in was chating to this girl she was a , any way one of the younger grommets I know came over and said hey man shes got a kid, man no point going near her which I happilly said look just cause shes got a kid doesnt me shes looking for a replacement father. Just means she got a bit of phiscial baggage.
( excuse the some what crude way of saying that she had baggage). this is a completely different girl to the other one) he shut up after that and kinda saw my point i think it base's towards ignorence.

there was a thread in it saying you'le allways be number two because of the child i kinda thaught that was sad, while yes she loves her son/daughter, she could end up loving you which is a completely different type of love. She's just got a responcability which may mean some saturdays nights you may be on the couch with a tv and chinease or something no real biggy.

thats my take on it

Snow-Monkey

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

( excuse the some what crude way of saying that she had baggage).

Does that mean what I think that means?

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

there was a thread in it saying you'le allways be number two because of the child i kinda thaught that was sad, while yes she loves her son/daughter, she could end up loving you which is a completely different type of love. She's just got a responcability which may mean some saturdays nights you may be on the couch with a tv and chinease or something no real biggy.

thats my take on it

I agree with this. I can't understand the need to be the centre of someones world personally. There is plenty of love to be had.

Otis Driftwood

Well as Ive said,its still very early days and we are both of the mind to take things slowly and see where it leads.Of course her young fella would always come first,as well he should but that doesnt bother me in the slightest.

As for her ex,he isnt not on the scene at all and doesnt have any contact with his son.She certainly isnt looking for a replacement Dad either,she has been single for over 2 years and has been happy out so this has taken us both by surprise.Im off for a few days next week so she has taken a few days off work too so we are going to hang out and have some fun.

Tis all good!

metrovelvet

nedtheshed wrote: »

Well as Ive said,its still very early days and we are both of the mind to take things slowly and see where it leads.Of course her young fella would always come first,as well he should but that doesnt bother me in the slightest.

As for her ex,he isnt not on the scene at all and doesnt have any contact with his son.She certainly isnt looking for a replacement Dad either,she has been single for over 2 years and has been happy out so this has taken us both by surprise.Im off for a few days next week so she has taken a few days off work too so we are going to hang out and have some fun.

Tis all good!

You cant ever replace the father, even if that was what she is looking for. But you could become a father figure to the child, especially a boy as he will look to men around him for modelling behavior. Dont let that scare you though, you could bring a lot of joy into two people's lives. Look at it that way.

Snowie

Moonbaby wrote: »

Does that mean what I think that means?



I agree with this. I can't understand the need to be the centre of someones world personally. There is plenty of love to be had.

yeah as in a kid...

well the weird thing was it was a lot of women saying that no offense to you

metrovelvet

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

yeah as in a kid...

well the weird thing was it was a lot of women saying that no offense to you

This doesn't surprise me. I think they get into sibling rivalry with the child. They don't like sharing the daddy or daddy's wallet.

Snow-Monkey

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

yeah as in a kid...

Ahh

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

well the weird thing was it was a lot of women saying that no offense to you

Some women being jealous of nice things happening for other women.
Hold the presses!

humberklog

Out of curiousity ned...if the relationship develops over the next few weeks, what would be the situation with buying the kid a pressy for xmas?


On another note I'm a single parent of a 6 year old girl and I've had a few offers over the years...thankfully!!! But oddly enough I've never met a single mum. And by "met" I do mean that in its full literal sense: as in I've never even been introduced to one. But needlesstosay it wouldn't bother me...curious now that I have never even met one...hmmm.

Snowie

nedtheshed wrote: »

Well as Ive said,its still very early days and we are both of the mind to take things slowly and see where it leads.Of course her young fella would always come first,as well he should but that doesnt bother me in the slightest.

As for her ex,he isnt not on the scene at all and doesnt have any contact with his son.She certainly isnt looking for a replacement Dad either,she has been single for over 2 years and has been happy out so this has taken us both by surprise.Im off for a few days next week so she has taken a few days off work too so we are going to hang out and have some fun.

Tis all good!

I wasnt trying to sound patronising man if i did apoligies...:)

Otis Driftwood

humberklog wrote: »

Out of curiousity ned...if the relationship develops over the next few weeks, what would be the situation with buying the kid a pressy for xmas?

Thats the thing,we have said things are going to tick along slowly so if it is a case that things do develop I dont think I will meet himself this side of christmas.The last thing I want is to confuse the lad ie,meet him quickly,maybe hit it off and then things dont work out with herself leaving him confused,ya know what I mean?

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I wasnt trying to sound patronising man if i did apoligies...:)

Ah jaysus,I didnt even think for a sec you were been patronising mate!

Herbal Deity

Run a mile, tbh.

Personally, were there to be kids involved in a relationship I was in, I would want them to be mine. I can't envision myself being comfortable in any way with being in a relationship with a woman and someone else's child.

Wibbs

I'd be the same as Herbal Deity but for different reasons. I don't want children, or at least dont want them at the moment and if I'm being honest I like Herbal Deity would want any kids to be my kids.

I have gone out with two single mums before and they were really great women and in neither case did it go south due to the child involved. I never met one of the kids and only once met the other. It was me being an eejit as usual:o:D I suspect if we had gone out for longer it may have caused friction.

The other thing can be the baggage that comes along with it. I mean the father if he's around, the lack of time, the lack of that period where it's just you as a couple kinda thing. Then again in both the cases I was involved in that wasnt an issue as such, or never got to that point.

OK you never know who you meet next and bang you're in love etc, but no I think I would probably flick a switch in my head if she had a child or children. Maybe that's me being selfish, but there it is. Plus I wouldnt want to lead her or the child on.

I would say a fair few men feel similar but would never admit it. That all said plenty of men don't feel like that at all. I have two mates that are married to women who had kids with other men.

metrovelvet

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd be the same as Herbal Deity but for different reasons. I don't want children, or at least dont want them at the moment and if I'm being honest I like Herbal Deity would want any kids to be my kids.

I have gone out with two single mums before and they were really great women and in neither case did it go south due to the child involved. I never met one of the kids and only once met the other. It was me being an eejit as usual:o:D I suspect if we had gone out for longer it may have caused friction.

The other thing can be the baggage that comes along with it. I mean the father if he's around, the lack of time, the lack of that period where it's just you as a couple kinda thing. Then again in both the cases I was involved in that wasnt an issue as such, or never got to that point.

OK you never know who you meet next and bang you're in love etc, but no I think I would probably flick a switch in my head if she had a child or children. Maybe that's me being selfish, but there it is. Plus I wouldnt want to lead her or the child on.

I would say a fair few men feel similar but would never admit it. That all said plenty of men don't feel like that at all. I have two mates that are married to women who had kids with other men.

Im not saying this is the case with you [it might be- I dont know] but for some reason your post reminded of of the difficulty some men have with a woman being mother Mother and Lover, and this also extends to the fathers themselves sometimes.

Wibbs

I get what you mean and maybe that's part of it. I dunno, that part doesnt throw me at all. Well that I'm conscious of anyway. The sexual stuff was not any issue in my examples anyway. Indeed seeing how maternal and affectionate they were towards their kids was actually a turn on as it showed who they were as women.

With me it's twofold, one, I don't really get the whole having kids thing. I dont mind kids, actually get on very well with them well and them with me. More than some guys I know who are fathers. I just dont want any of my own or have not met the woman yet I want to have children with.

Secondly, maybe it's some throwback in me, but I honestly wouldn't want to invest(for serious want of a better word) in a child to that degree that's not my own. OK all good in the honeymoon period of the relationship where we may both ignore stuff, but a few years down the line?

I know myself enough that it would become an issue. That wouldnt be fair on the women, defo not fair on the child and not fair on me. So rather than play lip service to the prevailing and in fairness largely correct notion that it shouldn't matter, I would be honest with myself and how I would feel.

I suppose on a basic level I dont want my own kids(yet anyway), so I really wouldn't want to be involved where a child was already present and wasn't mine. Hey that could change tomorrow and I meet someone where it really didnt matter, but I doubt it.

CDfm

I have kids and a girlfriend and it depends on how you approach it. My g/f hasnt tried to be a mother figure but they get on and it takes work and trying from everyone.

I reckon the pretend parent thing for any partner is problematic and a person shouldnt try to replace the absent parent.

The parent has a right to a life too and their partner has every entitlement to be treated as a partner and not play seconds to the children.

shellyboo

I adore kids and have had a couple of bfs with kids - it really doesn't bother me, the fact that a guy is a good Dad is a plus factor for me.

Something occurred to me recently though - if I were to end up with a guy with kids already, I'd be missing out on that first time Dad excitement and wonder... it would be a shame. When I have kids, I'd love it to be a new thing for me and my partner, for us to discover parenthood together.

I wouldn't rule out single Dads altogether though. As Snow Monkey said, there's room in someone's life for two great loves - kids and partner Married people manage it, why not single people?

MagicMarker

I'd have a relationship with a women with a kid(s), but it wouldn't be a ''serious'' relationship. Whether any woman would actually want that is another thing.

Fact is, I don't want kids.

Herbal Deity

shellyboo wrote: »

I wouldn't rule out single Dads altogether though. As Snow Monkey said, there's room in someone's life for two great loves - kids and partner Married people manage it, why not single people?

Because that's a paradox.

(I suspect you meant to say "unmarried" as opposed to "single" there.)

At 20 years old, I'm going to stick with my idealistic vision for my future. Like you said, I want kids to be a first time experience for both myself and my partner. I don't want my partner to have had a kid with another guy. Just wouldn't be comfortable with it at all.

metrovelvet

shellyboo wrote: »

I adore kids and have had a couple of bfs with kids - it really doesn't bother me, the fact that a guy is a good Dad is a plus factor for me.

Something occurred to me recently though - if I were to end up with a guy with kids already, I'd be missing out on that first time Dad excitement and wonder... it would be a shame. When I have kids, I'd love it to be a new thing for me and my partner, for us to discover parenthood together.

But then you would have someone who learned from alot of mistakes and has some experience. I know what you mean about the new adventure but there is a lot to be said for someone who can take the responsibility seriously with a proven track record of being their for his child. Beware: there are plenty of guys out there who say they want kids, and might tell you that, but when the reality arrives they are out the door.

shellyboo

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Because that's a paradox.

(I suspect you meant to say "unmarried" as opposed to "single" there.)

At 20 years old, I'm going to stick with my idealistic vision for my future. Like you said, I want kids to be a first time experience for both myself and my partner. I don't want my partner to have had a kid with another guy. Just wouldn't be comfortable with it at all.

No, I meant to say single! People always say "I would never be No. 1 with someone who had a kid" as if love was this finite resource with just enough to do one special person in their life. Single parents are just as capable of making room in their lives for a partner and making that work just as much as coupled-up/married people are capable of making room in their lives for a kid.

You don't see couples saying "we can't have kids cos we'll love eachother less". We're capable of paternal and romantic love simultaneously.


Metro, I know what you're saying and I understand it - but I can't help wanting the fairytale still. However unrealistic that may be. A friend of mine recently had a kid with his ex-gf and though they're not together anymore, he was in awe of the whole thing and so unbelievably happy - I want that experience.

Khannie

shellyboo wrote: »

No, I meant to say single! People always say "I would never be No. 1 with someone who had a kid" as if love was this finite resource with just enough to do one special person in their life.

I found it a hard enough pill to swallow. You know, normally when you're in a relationship with a girl you're number 1. Knowing that you've entered a relationship where you'll never be number 1 just takes some getting used to (or it did for me anyway).

My wife still got the first time dad thing with me (my step son was 4 when I came along and his dad isn't in the picture which makes things easier), but I was actually thankful that she was experienced to be honest. I was very nervous when the little one came along. There are just so many mistakes you think you're gonna make when it's your first. Having someone there who can just tell you "ah it'll be grand" is nice.

edit: There was enough of a gap between the two that she was relearning a lot of stuff too.

shellyboo

Khannie wrote: »

I found it a hard enough pill to swallow. You know, normally when you're in a relationship with a girl you're number 1. Knowing that you've entered a relationship where you'll never be number 1 just takes some getting used to (or it did for me anyway).

My wife still got the first time dad thing with me (my step son was 4 when I came along and his dad isn't in the picture which makes things easier), but I was actually thankful that she was experienced to be honest. I was very nervous when the little one came along. There are just so many mistakes you think you're gonna make when it's your first. Having someone there who can just tell you "ah it'll be grand" is nice.

edit: There was enough of a gap between the two that she was relearning a lot of stuff too.

Do you find it easier or understand it more now that you're a parent too? The not being no. 1 thing...

metrovelvet

shellyboo wrote: »

Metro, I know what you're saying and I understand it - but I can't help wanting the fairytale still. However unrealistic that may be. A friend of mine recently had a kid with his ex-gf and though they're not together anymore, he was in awe of the whole thing and so unbelievably happy - I want that experience.

Yeah I'd like that too. It would be nice.

metrovelvet

Khannie wrote: »

I found it a hard enough pill to swallow. You know, normally when you're in a relationship with a girl you're number 1. Knowing that you've entered a relationship where you'll never be number 1 just takes some getting used to (or it did for me anyway).

My wife still got the first time dad thing with me (my step son was 4 when I came along and his dad isn't in the picture which makes things easier), but I was actually thankful that she was experienced to be honest. I was very nervous when the little one came along. There are just so many mistakes you think you're gonna make when it's your first. Having someone there who can just tell you "ah it'll be grand" is nice.

edit: There was enough of a gap between the two that she was relearning a lot of stuff too.

You know what though - when you are a family the whole number one thing kind of becomes moot because you are all number one, hurt one you hurt everyone in the family, help one, you help all. You are all in it together. When you are dating part of the oceania is this two people in their own little world, but with a child its not quite like that so it makes sense that in the beginning it was alien to what you would expect or want.

CDfm

shellyboo wrote: »

but I can't help wanting the fairytale still. However unrealistic that may be. A friend of mine recently had a kid with his ex-gf and though they're not together anymore, he was in awe of the whole thing and so unbelievably happy - I want that experience.

Being positive and seeing the good side of things is a really healthy attitude. There is nothing wrong with trying to reach for the stars as long as you are grounded.

Khannie

shellyboo wrote: »

Do you find it easier or understand it more now that you're a parent too? The not being no. 1 thing...

I do yeah. I think Metro hit the nail on the head though.....

metrovelvet wrote: »

You know what though - when you are a family the whole number one thing kind of becomes moot because you are all number one

redvee81

Ohh it wouldn't be for me.Fair play if it doesnt bother you,but personally i wouldn't like to play second fiddle to a child or its mother in a relationship.

Rb

Wouldn't touch a woman with a child with a 20 foot barge poll with a 10 foot broom attached to it.

CDfm

Rb wrote: »

Wouldn't touch a woman with a child with a 20 foot barge poll with a 10 foot broom attached to it.

Do you know any single women with children?

helimachoptor

Rb wrote: »

Wouldn't touch a woman with a child with a 20 foot barge poll with a 10 foot broom attached to it.

I have the same view but would express it in a more mature way:mad:.

Its a personal choice, I dont want to be involved in raising someone elses child. Hell I dont even know if I want ro have kids.

However I know a couple of people who have entered into a relationship with women who have children and it causes its own issues but for the most part both seem happy.

Rb

CDfm wrote: »

Do you know any single women with children?

Yep, I sure do, and I wouldn't touch them.

However, I will say that it probably has to do with my age. I'm in my early twenties and if I were single I'd be going for early twenties/"tween" girls myself and at this age, all the good women are childless. When you get into your 30s or so, all the good women are for the most part settled, those who are single and childless are bound to be the oddballs, so a single parent as a result of divorce/windowing would probably be a lot safer of a bet than one of their single counterparts.

CDfm

Rb wrote: »

Yep, I sure do, and I wouldn't touch them.

those who are single and childless are bound to be the oddballs, so a single parent as a result of divorce/windowing would probably be a lot safer of a bet than one of their single counterparts.

I wouldnt say that- but in one way you are right -if you are not ready to be a parent yourself and still want the single go out life - you are not ready for others kids.

I have teenagers and wouldnt want just anyone around them -so its a two way street.

Great post btw.

metrovelvet

^ I dont think you are expected to parent really when you date a single parent. The child has parents.

But I do think its bit different for the guys answering this question because they would get more exposure to the child then possibly the father or a woman dating a single father who sees the kid on or off or not at all.

Stheno

metrovelvet wrote: »

But I do think its bit different for the guys answering this question because they would get more exposure to the child then possibly the father or a woman dating a single father who sees the kid on or off or not at all.

I'm not sure I've understand your post

Are you saying that in relation to the guys who've answered who are/have dated single mothers? I.e. that because they (the mothers) generally are the primary carer, that the guys on here dating single mothers would have more exposure to the children as a result?

metrovelvet

nouggatti wrote: »

I'm not sure I've understand your post

Are you saying that in relation to the guys who've answered who are/have dated single mothers? I.e. that because they (the mothers) generally are the primary carer, that the guys on here dating single mothers would have more exposure to the children as a result?

Yes pretty much. Especially as it develops [if it develops].

stovelid

Would have no problem at all with it, but I'd be a little worried about developing a strong long-term relationship with the child (or vice-versa) that would no have no basis if we split up.

metrovelvet

stovelid wrote: »

Would have no problem at all with it, but I'd be a little worried about developing a strong long-term relationship with the child (or vice-versa) that would no have no basis if we split up.

Right. If the unmarried fathers dont' get involved with their kids and invest for these reasons I can well imagine how hard it might be for a boyfriend to do it.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

Right. If the unmarried fathers dont' get involved with their kids and invest for these reasons I can well imagine how hard it might be for a boyfriend to do it.

A little off topic here - but - lots of single dads and seperated/divorced dads have a huge problem getting access to their kids as mothers wont give in or even obey court orders.

So in a way it makes single dads more available without the children getting in the way.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

A little off topic here - but - lots of single dads and seperated/divorced dads have a huge problem getting access to their kids as mothers wont give in or even obey court orders.

So in a way it makes single dads more available without the children getting in the way.

Yeah they are also more available when they have nothing to do with their kids. It cuts both ways. Please dont go down the bad mommy road again. Youve done it to death.

Single dads are more available anyway, because they have more free time, whether access is denied or granted but limited.

K-9

Rb wrote: »

I'm in my early twenties and if I were single I'd be going for early twenties/"tween" girls myself and at this age, all the good women are childless. When you get into your 30s or so, all the good women are for the most part settled, those who are single and childless are bound to be the oddballs, so a single parent as a result of divorce/windowing would probably be a lot safer of a bet than one of their single counterparts.

I see where you are coming from on the 30's part but I think you are dismissive of young single parents. I can see why you reach the generalisation on single parents in their 30's etc., but not on younger ones. Its a very sweeping statement "all the good women are childless!".

stovelid wrote: »

Would have no problem at all with it, but I'd be a little worried about developing a strong long-term relationship with the child (or vice-versa) that would no have no basis if we split up.

As a single Dad myself, I found it harder dating single mothers because I could never have the same "bond" (hate that word) that I'd have with my son. It sounds terrible, but it just wouldn't be there. The Dad wasn't really on the scene though in my experience, usually unreliable and intermittent.

In a strange way, a Dad regularly on the scene would be easier that way.

Anyway, as a single Dad, I find it an advantage. My son will be my first priority and if it means missing a night out, so be it. A woman understanding that is a big plus in her personality.

K-9

CDfm wrote: »

A little off topic here - but - lots of single dads and seperated/divorced dads have a huge problem getting access to their kids as mothers wont give in or even obey court orders.

So in a way it makes single dads more available without the children getting in the way.

Indeed, but Dads that do have access usually have most access at weekends and so lessens the social outings at weekends.

stovelid

metrovelvet wrote: »

Right. If the unmarried fathers dont' get involved with their kids and invest for these reasons I can well imagine how hard it might be for a boyfriend to do it.

I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or not...

I personally don't think there is any excuse for a father not to try and get involved with their child.

Snowie

Rb wrote: »

Yep, I sure do, and I wouldn't touch them.

However, I will say that it probably has to do with my age. I'm in my early twenties and if I were single I'd be going for early twenties/"tween" girls myself and at this age, all the good women are childless. When you get into your 30s or so, all the good women are for the most part settled, those who are single and childless are bound to be the oddballs, so a single parent as a result of divorce/windowing would probably be a lot safer of a bet than one of their single counterparts.

:cool: cool post man you just made lots of sense.

CDfm

stovelid wrote: »

I personally don't think there is any excuse for a father not to try and get involved with their child.

Similarily - a father owes it to himself and the kids to get a happy life too.

Klingon Hamlet

I'm a single dad and currently searching for my son...when I find him, and I piece my life back together, I hope I can build a meaningful relationship with a woman without ever it affecting my bond with my son...but I know his mom will make it difficult for her. I wonder how other people do it when ex-partners are antagonistic. Must be very difficult.

K-9

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

I'm a single dad and currently searching for my son...when I find him, and I piece my life back together, I hope I can build a meaningful relationship with a woman without ever it affecting my bond with my son...but I know his mom will make it difficult for her. I wonder how other people do it when ex-partners are antagonistic. Must be very difficult.

Loads of raising eyes to heaven and some mad stuff!

It can lead to erratic behaviour from ex's. It has led me to believe women can be far more competitive than men!

Klingon Hamlet

K-9 wrote: »

Loads of raising eyes to heaven and some mad stuff!

It can lead to erratic behaviour from ex's. It has led me to believe women can be far more competitive than men!

Not competitive, possessive and territorial. But only in extreme cases, and the same could be said for men, except men are not given equal rights, and I won't go down that road.

When all's said and done, most people are nutbags anyway. Assume the worst.

the_syco

Currently in life, it would freak me out, but in the way fatherhood freaks out some males.

Planned fatherhood is one thing, but knowing that you may be seen as a father figure from someone who is not a blood child (if that makes sense) is, well, odd.

I know one or two people who are now fathers, and it freaked them out when it was confirmed that a baby was on it's way, but after a while, they were more cool with the idea of being a daddy. By the time the baby was born, everything was cool. I suppose if it happened that I fell for someone who had a kid, meh, I'd be freaked, but meh, christ knows how I'd handle it. Hopefully in a good way.

=-=

One thing to look at is: would it matter what age the kid was? I mean, would it matter if the the kid was a toddler, or 12-18 years of age, or had left home?

CDfm

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

Not competitive, possessive and territorial. But only in extreme cases, and the same could be said for men, except men are not given equal rights, and I won't go down that road.

I have read your story before and it is really sad. Best of luck with it.

There are women out there that are really good and you shouldnt judge all women by your experience.