In-laws coming between us!

LegacyUser

HELP......
My inlaws and I have never seen eye to eye in the past but recently things blew up! We have 2 kids (one from a previous relationship and our second, DH treats them both the same and considers both his) and my DH's family never treat DD1 the same as they treat DD2. It is really upsetting our DD1 and in turn me. Problem is DH won't do anything about it. He won't/can't speak to his family about their selfish behaviour and when I spoke to his sister last week everything came to a head, I lost the rag she lost the rag and I think once and for all I will never have to have anything to do with them anymore (whoo hoo) but... The whole issue is really coming between us, he says he backs me 100% but has yet to tell them that he won't put up with their behaviour. He won't even speak to me properly about the whole thing. We have a 'family do' soon and I will not be attending and I assumed that he would stick with me but it appears he is going anyway?!? I'm so cross over the whole issue it has caused me to overreact to every little thing. I feel my only option is to walk away, dramatic I know but at least I won't have to put up with the sh*t it causes and I won't feel like the whole issue is my fault. He won't stick up for us at all and my opinion is that WE dd1 and 2 and Dh and I are the most important people in the world and they are who I must look after, am I wrong? I just don't know what to do.

feckthepeas

I'm a bit confused by the DH, DD, DD1, DD2 to be honest. What do these stand for?

LegacyUser

dd1 - daughter born first (eldest)
dd2 - daughter born second
dh - husband

any ideas?

OS119

yeah, give your hubby a kick in the arse!

if he's not prepared to stand up for his kids, then you have a problem - one that is resolved by him finding his stuff on the doorstep in bin bags.

you need, imvho, to make that crystal clear: if you continue to allow your extedended family to treat the children you say are yours differently depending on their DNA, then this is over, right now.

absolute dealbreaker, a big fat red line that looking sideways at, let alone approaching, means the immediate end of our relationship. no negotiation, no hesitation.

if grandparents don't like it they can fcuk off and die in a lake of piss, but getting hubby to agree - and to carry-out that policy - is the be-all and end-all.

So your prepared to deny your children of a loving father, because of something his family did? Which isn't murder or child abuse but a snub?


You do realise that he is not the boss of them, and you are not the boss of him? Right?
If they can't behave like civilised adults, then that is their problem...You'll be the one creating a world of pain for everyone in your family. If you go ahead with your plans.

OS119

Moonbaby wrote: »

So your prepared to deny your children of a loving father, because of something his family did? Which isn't murder or child abuse but a snub?


You do realise that he is not the boss of them, and you are not the boss of him? Right?
If they can't behave like civilised adults, then that is their problem...You'll be the one creating a world of pain for everyone in your family. If you go ahead with your plans.

the 'father' of these children - thats what he tells people - validates their behaviour towards the children. its not about the grandparents do, its entirely about what the 'father' does.

it is entirely that the father of two children treats one of them with less consideration and protection han he does the other - living definition of the kind of 'father' they could both well do without.

Terodil

I think Moonbaby and OS119 both have valid points.

The father has no right of direction over his parents. But he should address the issue with them at least (OP: Are you sure he hasn't? Maybe he has talked to them when you were not around? -- I probably would). If that does not work out ultimately it's the nucleus of the family -- mother, father, and kids -- that need to stick together. Walking away is only the worst option.

I can also understand how hard it is not to feel supported by your partner. You should take this up with him again too and tell him clearly what you expect from him.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your replies.
I think I'm feeling the anger that OS119 is talking about because I'm not getting any support - well nothing outspoken anyway. He is a fab father to both our girls and my best friend in the whole world but unfortunately this has been going on since I was pregnant with DD2 (she's nearly 3 now!!!) I've had enough, I don't want to leave or 'deny' the kids their Dad as Moonbaby says but it's gotten to the stage where if it was happening to anyone else I would say it was bullying.
Unfortunately I know that DH hasn't spoken to any of his family about any of the issues that have happened be it in the past (I was told by his sister that I was the ruin of his life) or now at the latest blow out (where apparently I couldn't even get Kofi Annan to sort me out - as if me making sure my children are treated equally and aren't upset by them and their petty ways is a bad thing). They don't seem to understand that a 9yr old child still gets upset when she receives a token gift and see's the 'blood relation' getting (literally) hundreds of Euros worth of presents! They think that I am being unfair to expect some equality in the way my cildren are treated whether it's giving gifts or simply the way they say hello differently to each of them. I just can't let go (which a bigger better person would do), I can't let either of my children be hurt by people over and over again and just let them get away with it.
We've had this conversation over and over again here at home and I have explained the 'nucleas of the family' theory to him and he agrees but still he will not stan up with me and say I have 2 children, treat them the same. My poor DD1 asked me the other day - why if DH's family were her aunties and uncles did they never play with her or take her place like they keep offering to do with DD2 (I will not allow them take them off because I don't trust how they'd treat DD1 outside of my presence when their behaviour is so bad when I am around).
I just hate all of this, I just want it over with and I suppose that's why I am thinking about leaving, the only other option is that he stands with me on this and that just doesn't seem to be happening.
Terodil - I know you're right but how much clearer can I get? I have told him in the past that if it happens again I'm outta here, maybe he believes it's an empty threat but at this stage there are only a few things keeping me from leaving, I do love him and he loves me, the kids would be lost without him and might be an odd one here but the mileage to and from my DD1's school from my parents house would be massive!!!

Sorry for such a long post...

Dublin2Donegal

to be honest if they can not see you dd1 as there own then they are not worth knowing,

what i would do is stop all contact with them i would not allow either of my children to see them and if husband wants to go to family gatherings then i would let him of on his own he will soon run out of excuses and will have to face the truth at some stage

as for your husband i would just keep giving him gentle reminders that you and your daughters are his family now

HTH

Taltos

So - you are forcing your OH to effectively tell his family

"my wife's daughter by another man is more important than you" - no matter how you dress it this is the message he needs to give, and this can be very difficult for some families to swallow - we have no idea of their relationship here.

I think you all need to take a step back here.
His sister was wrong.
But you were also wrong.
And your hubby is definitely wrong.
And his parents most definitely wrong.

Before you do anything else take some time to cool down - all of you.

1 Confirm to him that you love him.
2 Confirm that you know he loves you
3 Confirm that you know he loves both daughters equally
4 Query if 3 is true why has he not taken his family in hand
5 Tell him you are going to apologise to his family
6 He needs at this point to tell you. HE will talk to his family and set them straight - might be best done alone.

Maybe 5 & 6 can happen at the same time.

Hopefully his family will reciprocate to your apology and also apologise. You might need to make allowances for them and they for you. But in the long run - if you both love each other - and if he is such a fab dad - then your nucleus is worth fighting for.

However - you do seem very quick to run away here. Just a thought. Wonder why.

meditraitor

So because your inlaws dont treat both your children the same you want your partner to cut of contact with his family?

This is a bit harsh,

Do the family of DD1 treat DD2 as one of their own?

CDfm

This is how I see it.

You and your husband have your own family like it or not your daughter from a previous relationship is not related to them. You are probably giving it to your husband big time and he is stuck in the middle as peacemaker.

Were there any situations about you two marrying with your in laws and how is your relationship with them otherwise?

Does your eldest daughter know her real father and his family?? Is it the case that you are bundling up this issue as your daughters issue when in fact it is you that is hurt by their treatment of you in the past? It looks like you are.

Life isn't fair and maybe your prtraying the blended family to the outside world is one thing but it is probably a charade as far as his parents are concerned.

Issueing ultimatums isnt going to improve the situation and the situation is different as the children have different fathers and different sets of paternal grandparents.


Another thing - not leaveing your daughter out of your sight with them seems very antagonistic. It gives the impression that you are ready for battle.

The best situation you can hope for is that in time your in laws will come around and your husband seems to be doing that by example.

While I agree with Taltos I think its best to calm down first. They are likely to become less entrenched if you are friendlier to them. Softly Softly Catchee Monkey.

I don't mean to be harsh but you need to step away from this issue and stop giving it more significance than it deserves. In fact, by you doing so is just allowing the in-laws to know they get to you. It doesn't matter what they think or say or do if you and your hubby are happy.

Moomoo1

meditraitor wrote: »

So because your inlaws dont treat both your children the same you want your partner to cut of contact with his family?

This is a bit harsh,

Do the family of DD1 treat DD2 as one of their own?

I sense that there's a bit more than that going on here, i.e. that the in-laws think badly of the OP, and use DD1 as a way of snubbing the OP.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I sense that there's a bit more than that going on here, i.e. that the in-laws think badly of the OP, and use DD1 as a way of snubbing the OP.

Yes and the OP is cooperating by buying into this position and reacting and both sides have daggers drawn and right is on their side and adding fuel to it.

OS119

CDfm wrote: »

Yes and the OP is cooperating by buying into this position and reacting and both sides have daggers drawn and right is on their side and adding fuel to it.

i'm sorry, what part of treating each of their son's two children differently (he's the one who says they are his children, regardless of the biology - would you see the situation in same light if one of the choldren was adopted?) puts the 'grandparents' in the right?

OP, i still see the issue as black and white - either they are both his children - indentical and indivisable - or they aren't. if my partner treated, or allowed others to treat, my children differently my marriage would end on the spot.

Taltos

CDfm wrote: »

Yes and the OP is cooperating by buying into this position and reacting and both sides have daggers drawn and right is on their side and adding fuel to it.

Be the adult here - take the higher ground and lead by example.

OS119 wrote: »

i'm sorry, what part of treating each of their son's two children differently (he's the one who says they are his children, regardless of the biology - would you see the situation in same light if one of the choldren was adopted?) puts the 'grandparents' in the right?

OP, i still see the issue as black and white - either they are both his children - indentical and indivisable - or they aren't. if my partner treated, or allowed others to treat, my children differently my marriage would end on the spot.

I have seen grandparents treat 2 kids differently when both parents are the same. Your utopian view doesn't cut it there and I do not think it will cut it here either.

In time hopefully they will come to love the child as one of their own - but she is not - and chances are they are reminded of that every time they see her. Over time this might change - but you cannot enforce your love of your children onto others.

Have a chat with them by all means - asking them to be more aware of their actions - but you will not be able to force them to love your eldest as one of their own - until such time as they themselves see her as such. Hopefully this will happen when they see the 2 kids interacting more and more and the eldest watching out for the youngest - sometimes the simplest action can break down walls.

But - don't walk around under any illusions here. As far as they are concerned your first daughter is not related to them nor are they responsible in any way. Wonder if her real grandparents would want someone else to take on their role.

If you cannot reconcile this - then by all means walk away. Leave the loving dad. Maybe the next dad will love all three as his own and his parents will be more open too.

alexmcred

I'm sorry OP but I think you are in the wrong here and it sounds like jealously from you. At least your husbands family are recognising your other child and giving her gifts even if they are "token".

I would say you are the barrier here you need to give your husbands family time to get to know your first child you admit your self that you won't leave go any where with them you need to change this and stop the mistrust that seems to have built up on both sides.

I would also ask is your second daughter a first grandchild by any chance this will mean a massive difference between how your in-laws view the second child verses the first as well.

CDfm

OS119 wrote: »

OP, i still see the issue as black and white - either they are both his children - indentical and indivisable - or they aren't. if my partner treated, or allowed others to treat, my children differently my marriage would end on the spot.

I disagree here. OP your partner can in no way be responsible for others behavior. Your partner is responsible for his own behavior and from what you have posted I think he is doing a super job in what must be a very stressfull situation.

You shouldnt allow the behavior of others eat away and build up especially coming up to christmas.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I really feel sorry for your husband. And obviously you and your daughters too.

His family are being dicks but they are his family so he can't just cut them out. It's just not that simple and you can't pretend to yourself otherwise.

My poor DD1 asked me the other day - why if DH's family were her aunties and uncles did they never play with her or take her place like they keep offering to do with DD2 (I will not allow them take them off because I don't trust how they'd treat DD1 outside of my presence when their behaviour is so bad when I am around).

Big problem here. I understand your reasons but how can they ever see the child as their own if you yourself don't see it that way.

Think about leaving your husband over this issue alone. There'l be custody battles, both daughters missing their father. Your youngest daughter will get guilt complexes about wanting to see her grandparents, etc.

What happened with the sister that led to you losing the rag?

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

If you cannot reconcile this - then by all means walk away. Leave the loving dad. Maybe the next dad will love all three as his own and his parents will be more open too.

I find this part quite insulting taltos. The behind the scenes situation is not an issue to us as a family.

This is not about me, I couldn't give a flying f*** what the inlaws think of me but I cannot let my eldest be subjected to this behavior. If it didn't affect her then perhaps this wouldn't be an issue at all but unfortunately it DOES affect her. DD1 is in contact with her 'biological' family on relatively regular occurences but we have rules in place so that this doesn't affect DD2. I understand at times these will conflict and one will be upset beacuse the other is heading off but it is very rare because of our rules. Our family unit is just that, a unit, which is why I don't want to break it up. I just feel like I have little or no choice at this stage.

As for giving the inlaws time to get to know DD1 they've known her since birth and had very regular contact with her from age 3-nearly 6 and sporadic contact again from 6 on(she was nearly 6 when all this sh1t started).

Alexmcred - I think her noticing the difference in treatment is wrong and the only people who can fix this is the inlaws. DD2 is not the first grandchild either which would account for some of the selfishness.

I don't want utopia, I know that's unreasonable. I just want some semblance of 'normality' for my girls. Any eejit can see the difference between a trolley full of toys and a P.J's and slippers set. We have tried in the past to fix this part of the issue by slipping in a voucher or two before DD1 opens anything but most years we have been caught out but one of the Sisters in law quite plainly telling DD1 that 'we never got you that' when she has thanked them. As for the issue of not 'including' her to the same extent or attention giveing to the same extent I try to compensate for this by playing with DD1 when the inlaws are playing with DD2 - they then think I'm rude because I won't sit down and chat???????? I don't know.

OS119 - OP, i still see the issue as black and white - either they are both his children - indentical and indivisable - or they aren't. if my partner treated, or allowed others to treat, my children differently my marriage would end on the spot. I agree with your view of we are all or we are nothing but unfortunately I don't want to be nothing so the only choice I seem to have is let it carry on and screw what I think. If I keep away as much as possible and let DH go on his own to anything family orientated then maybe it won't eat away at me. That said it annoys me that DH doesn't have the balls to look after his family unit first!

Urgh........

Taltos

You are still asking your OH's family to treat your daughter - not his - as one of theirs.
And the fact is she is not.

What about him adopting her - making it official - proving to his family all that needs to be said. Because right now - he might be her dad - but he is not her father and his family have no obligation - beyond that which is morally expected of them.

Yes - I agree it is not nice to show preferences - but your 2nd daughter is their neice and granddaughter. While her older sister is just that - her older sister and is none of their concern.

You keep saying you want your DD to step up here.
But what do you really expect him to do - his family are not in the wrong here. And as some of the others asked - what is your eldest grandparents etc doing in all this - is this the group you really need to be angry with?

Once more I recommend you step back and look at your motives here.

OS119

Taltos wrote: »

You are still asking your OH's family to treat your daughter - not his - as one of theirs.
And the fact is she is not.

What about him adopting her - making it official - proving to his family all that needs to be said. Because right now - he might be her dad - but he is not her father and his family have no obligation - beyond that which is morally expected of them.

Yes - I agree it is not nice to show preferences - but your 2nd daughter is their neice and granddaughter. While her older sister is just that - her older sister and is none of their concern.

You keep saying you want your DD to step up here.
But what do you really expect him to do - his family are not in the wrong here. And as some of the others asked - what is your eldest grandparents etc doing in all this - is this the group you really need to be angry with?

Once more I recommend you step back and look at your motives here.

sorry mate, but i think you fundamentally missunderstand both the all-encompassing role of 'being a dad', and the relationship of grandparents to their childrens children.

being a dad does not include picking and choosing when you are a childs father - regardless of your biological or legal relationship - you either are the childs father, with absolute responsibility for the childs welfare to the exclusion of all else if neccesary, or you aren't - in which case you're just some bloke their mum sleeps with occasionally and who can be dropped like a hot turd.

the relationship of the grandparents is through their child; he comes along and says 'these are my children'. thats it - these are my children - love and cherish them as part of me and as the things i hold most precious in all the world.

they are both absolute roles, the child needs people who fill these roles absolutely, not people who pick which bits they enjoy and ignore the bits they don't.

the older child, regardless of its provenance, is being emotionally harmed and upset by the behaviour of this 'family' towards her - any man who claims to be this childs father (as the OP's hubby does) would seek to end that harm and upset. that he doesn't says in very stark terms that he prizes the the views and opinions of his wider family higher than the welfare of the child he claims to be the father of.

and that mades him a cnut of the highest (lowest?) order.

CDfm

disneymum wrote: »

If I keep away as much as possible and let DH go on his own to anything family orientated then maybe it won't eat away at me.

Whoa there -thats a very high horse.

Simply, by doing this you are buying into their argument. Why dont you suggest he goes and brings the children with him.Your husband and your children are not extentions of you but people in their own right.

It strikes me that when people ask here about the first childs father that you ignore the question.

Have you considered that your daughter may be upset because she is learning this behavior from you. Does she know that your husband is not her father? If she knows they arent her grandparents it really shouldnt impact.

That said it annoys me that DH doesn't have the balls to look after his family unit first!

The more I see it the more I see that the problem might not be your in laws or husband or daughter.

Its ok to be upset at someones behavior but not to the extent that it starts hurting those around you and I suspect this is what is happening.

How is your husband going to change their minds - is he going to beat them up or is he going to not allow them see the children or is he going to cut all contact with them or show up at every family gathering arguing the cause.

What exactly is your husband supposed to do?

Taltos

OS119 wrote: »

sorry mate, but i think you fundamentally missunderstand both the all-encompassing role of 'being a dad', and the relationship of grandparents to their childrens children.

being a dad does not include picking and choosing when you are a childs father - regardless of your biological or legal relationship - you either are the childs father, with absolute responsibility for the childs welfare to the exclusion of all else if neccesary, or you aren't - in which case you're just some bloke their mum sleeps with occasionally and who can be dropped like a hot turd.

the relationship of the grandparents is through their child; he comes along and says 'these are my children'. thats it - these are my children - love and cherish them as part of me and as the things i hold most precious in all the world.

they are both absolute roles, the child needs people who fill these roles absolutely, not people who pick which bits they enjoy and ignore the bits they don't.

the older child, regardless of its provenance, is being emotionally harmed and upset by the behaviour of this 'family' towards her - any man who claims to be this childs father (as the OP's hubby does) would seek to end that harm and upset. that he doesn't says in very stark terms that he prizes the the views and opinions of his wider family higher than the welfare of the child he claims to be the father of.

and that mades him a cnut of the highest (lowest?) order.

And that is fine.
Surely the fact that we two disagree so much on this is an inkling that the parents and wider family in this case also disagree.
You are convinced you are right, I feel quite strongly about mine too.

So what to do when there are 2 views so diametrically opposed?

Ideally he should have a chat with his parents and family - and maybe he has - however - to expect them to ever treat another child equally to their own flesh and blood is a bit naive don't you think?
Unless of course said child is adopted and there's the difference.

I still suspect there is something more here than a mother being upset at her DD1 not getting similar treatment from the parents and family of her OH.
And that is what I think should be addressed.

CDfm

OS119 wrote: »

and that mades him a cnut of the highest (lowest?) order.

Same question as i asked OP - what is he to do to change their minds

How is your husband going to change their minds - is he going to beat them up or is he going to not allow them see the children or is he going to cut all contact with them or show up at every family gathering arguing the cause

.

What direct action is he supposed to take.

LegacyUser

OP, I just wanted to let you know that I really understand what you're saying - but from a different perspective. My partner was in EXACTLY this situation when he was a child. His single mum met a lovely man when my OH was about 3, they married, he was a wonderful father to my OH, and they also had own children. His family were kind to my OH as a young boy and all, but still very much treated him like the additional child - he might have had their surname by adoption, but was wasn't really one of the family. His younger brother was treated as "the firstborn" and the "first grandson" etc etc. They even told his younger sister that my OH was "not really her brother" when she was about nine - she didn't know he had a different biological dad, because within THEIR family unit, it did not matter.

Skip forward 35 years and my OH goes through a significant period of anxiety where he questions his place in the family, fears he's not really a member of it, questions that if his mother dies would he be welcome at Christmas or family occasions - wonders if he even has a family. He knows he's part of the family (and his father NEVER treated him any differently), but on some level he feels very much the outsider and I see his paternal grandmother being responsible for this. She wasn't as obvious about it (as your in-laws), but it was there nonetheless and the impact is VERY real.

You need to stamp this out NOW because you don't want your adult daughter EVER to be as heart-achingly gutted that she might not belong to anyone after you've gone as my partner was. It's taken him a LOT of time and a LOT of reassurance to come to the realisation that yes, he's part of the family and if his mother were to die, he's still have his dad and (of course) brothers and sisters, but it was heartbreaking for me to see him go through a period of self-doubt and fear that somehow he is quite alone in the world. I don't want that for your daughter - I wouldn't want that for anyone.

Best of luck xx

LegacyUser

I can't speak from personal experience within my own family unit,but I have a friend who was a single mother, and when she met her husband and became pregnant (with the 1st biological grandchild for his parents) they went out of their way to spoil her daughter so she wouldnt be jealous of the new baby. They treated her daughter like their own-, babysitting, bringing her to the zoo etc. Even since the new baby has arrived they make time just her and them like proper grandparents, and my friend respects and loves them for it. To be honest, I don't think she would be happy if it was any other way.

CDfm

I*understand wrote: »

They even told his younger sister that my OH was "not really her brother" when she was about nine - she didn't know he had a different biological dad, because within THEIR family unit, it did not matter.

its difficult for parents to explain this to kids at the best of times.

Skip forward 35 years and my OH goes through a significant period of anxiety where he questions his place in the family, fears he's not really a member of it, questions that if his mother dies would he be welcome at Christmas or family occasions - wonders if he even has a family. He knows he's part of the family (and his father NEVER treated him any differently), but on some level he feels very much the outsider and I see his paternal grandmother being responsible for this

Who knows where he acquired his insecurities from but no -one could probably change the paternal grandmothers beliefs.They could only control their own patch and you dont mention his biological father and if they have a relationship.

You need to stamp this out NOW

and how is she to stamp it out.

unregistered wrote: »

I can't speak from personal experience within my own family unit,but I have a friend who was a single mother, and when she met her husband and became pregnant (with the 1st biological grandchild for his parents) they went out of their way to spoil her daughter so she wouldnt be jealous of the new baby. They treated her daughter like their own-, babysitting, bringing her to the zoo etc. Even since the new baby has arrived they make time just her and them like proper grandparents, and my friend respects and loves them for it. To be honest, I don't think she would be happy if it was any other way.

While that is an ideal situation and they are obviously very good people. My sisters husband has children from a previous marriage and I dont feel close to them. I accept them and love her hubby. Its just different thats all.

I wonder is her ex- the childs biological father involved in anyway because at some level I get the feeling that the OP his airbrushed her first daughters father out of the situation which will eventually make the situation more confused.

iguana

CDfm wrote: »

I wonder is her ex- the childs biological father involved in anyway because at some level I get the feeling that the OP his airbrushed her first daughters father out of the situation which will eventually make the situation more confused.

Well the OP has said that her first daughter has a relationship with her biological paternal grandparents and sees them on particular occasions. Which actually sounds like a double standard as I'm sure she doesn't insist that they treat her second daughter equally.

As has been mentioned, it sounds to me as if the OP has other problems with her in-laws and is using this situation as a channel for her anger/frustration with them. It is unreasonable to insist that her in-laws love her first daughter in the same way that they love their biological grandchild. It would be great if they did and some people can do that, but not everyone can. As long as they are nice to her, and as they buy her her gifts it sounds as if they are making an effort, then that is all that can be demanded of them.

OP, you are lucky that your husband loves your daughter as his own. It's a huge taboo but a lot of step-parents really dislike their step-children, or at best feel ambivalent. Take a look at sites like www.steptalk.org to see how so many people really feel when they get the chance to vent anonymously to others who feel the same. Other people would automatically rule out a relationship with a single parent. But your husband loves your child equally to his biological child. That is amazing and rare, don't screw it up. Don't make him feel like crap because his family aren't as great as him.

LegacyUser

Hello again folks,

Just to reply to a few particular issues raised.

Iguana - I don't mean to imply that they 'love' my eldest daughter as they do my second daughter, all I want is that the adults in this whole situation take 2 minutes to think about my eldest daughter's feelings, they are hurting her. There were never issues with the inlaws until I was pregnant with my second daughter, up until then I was 'the best thing that ever happened to my partner' (I've known them now for 18 years - my partner and I have been together since '91) and until I was pregnant there was pic's of the 2 and then 3 of us up in the various houses be it from Graduations or family do's etc.

CDfm - do you treat your sisters 'step' children blatantly obviously different from the others? my eldest daughter does have a relationship with her 'biologicals', she is generally there every second weekend for a night and is taken to various special events by them, i.e. she was at Hannah Montana with her biological Dad last night. We just have rules in place that stop her going away upsetting my second daughter and any gifts are kept in her bedroom in her bio Dad's house. She know she has 2 Dads and she thinks that makes her extra lucky, I have more than a civil relationship with them and while I don't like her going off for sleepovers I understand that she needs this relationship with him and his family too. When my eldest daughter gets gifts from bio Dad's side my second daughter also gets them. Infact they too are sickened by this whole thing as they hear it from my eldest daughter and they do their best to ensure that my second daughter gets attention from them be it playing or gifts when they are here in our house. If they go away they bring nack things for both of my girls because at the end of the day they know how it is affecting my eldest daughter from my inlaws side.

I*understand - I feel for your husband because I can see how that would later affect a person. I don't think it'll be that way with my my partner as he is a very strong person in all other ways. Always has been my rock and still is in regards to all other situations. (Hopefully anyway)

My own father has spoken to my father in law about the way they treat my eldest daughter and it seemed to have an impact until christmas came around again last year. Anyway, tonight my partner has gone off to a family do and I am here by the fire with a few bottles, quite happy but whether I'm doing the right thing I still don't know???

Thanks all for all your help and criticisms.

Victor

disneymum wrote: »

DH ... DD1 ... DD2... dd1 and 2 ...Dh

Words. Can you use them please? I know life is complicated, but its hard to help if you don't help us.

CDfm

Disneymum - I dont mean to be critical just to put things in proportion.

You need to chill and treat your kids differently and try to relax about letting the eldest stay with her Dad. Life moves on and try to button of the problems.

carolmon

disneymum wrote: »

Hello again folks,

Just to reply to a few particular issues raised.

I've known them now for 18 years - my partner and I have been together since '91)

I'm a bit confused now.... what age is your eldest daughter? I thought she was fairly young? Did you have a break in the relationship with your husband and get pregnant then?
Just curious cos this could also have an infuence on in laws, maybe you can clarify?
(I'm also finding it hard to keep up with DD1, DD2 etc)

magneticimpulse

this sounds very petty and greedy. your daughters are getting gifts left right and centre and you are complaining? your inlaws buy your eldest daughter a gift, its not like they dont get her anything at all. D1 your eldest daughter gets gifts from her bio Dad and D2 Your second daughter doesnt? i mean i would be more annoyed that D2 Your second daughter doesnt get anything from bio Dad D1 your eldest daughter when bio Dad D2 has taken D1 your eldest daughter into his family as his own.

in a time when ireland is in recession, i think its very greedy to judge what gifts you get. people struggle as it is financially. christmas is a symbol of love and family. not about scrooge and how many gifts you get. im sorry but it sounds extremely childish to me.

you can never change the fact that D1 your eldest daughter is not a blood relative to this family. there is a similar situation in my family. my cousin married a woman with a daughter. she then had a son with my cousin. they are a very loving family, but the son i know my auntie absolutely doats on because its her 1st biological grandchild. nothing can ever come between that.

not many men would take on the responsibility of taking on a woman who already has a child. i wouldnt take on a man who already has children. but your husband did, and so far he has given you a nice home. nobody can really choose their inlaws, and they dont always get on. you just have to accept the inlaws. you are lucky you have a father for your daughters. your lucky bioDad 1 sees D1 your eldest daughter. Many women have kids and the father walks away and has no contact.

i think you need to lighten up about the whole thing. because like a poster said, the complex in D1 your eldest daughter will more likely come from your behaviour

Nevyn

Text speak which includes those DD codes are forbiden by the charter this will be the last warning.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal Text speak which includes those DD codes are forbiden by the charter this will be the last warning - Apologies for the codes, I didn't realise they weren't allowed here.

Magneticimpulse - While your point about greed (albeit not the issue here - I'd rather they both got nothing or something small than there be a difference between them) is something to consider you have made other points that are factual, if you take time to read the various posts you'll see that Bio Dad for elsest daughter does in fact buy gifts for second daughter. As for 'giving me a home', how sexist, this home is OUR home, infact if you wanted to break it down to who does what then it would be me giving him a home but again that is not an issue here. Perhaps my behaviour towards to inlaws would have an impact on eldest daughter and this is something I need to consider. As for the gifts issue, it is not only in their giving that I feel they are being unfair as I said in a earlier post their general behaviour is not nice towards my eldest daughter, I just used the giflts one as it was easy to explain.

Carolmum - Husband and I have been together since we were 10 (obviously only holding hands at that stage!! We have had breaks in our relationship over the years especially as we were so young, nothing major though I just got caught out once upon a time and while it's not something I'd advocate I wouldn't change it as my eldest will always be my pet, I am a bit over protective and I know this.)

CDfm - Thanks, don't worry criticism is healthy and keeps minds open. I do value your comments. Every little helps as they say in TESCO! Going back to my question - do you treat your sisters 'step' children blatantly obviously different from the others?

Thanks again folks!

seahorse

OS119 wrote: »

..if my partner treated, or allowed others to treat, my children differently my marriage would end on the spot.

Same here.

Disneymum, I think your in-laws and your partner’s actions here are a total disgrace. How dare your in-laws hurt your little girl by displaying time and time again that she is of lesser importance??? :mad: And how dare your partner sit back and accept that for her??? :mad: If I said the things I truly think about their carry-on I'd get myself banned so I'll have to reign myself in here, but suffice to say if this were the situation in my house I'd be HOPPING MAD!!!

If your partner is not prepared to get up off his arse and do what's right for HIS CHILD (as he claims her to be) then I'm sorry but he's not much of a dad, regardless how loving and caring he may be in other areas of her upbringing.

It doesn't take Sigmund Fraud to figure out where this'll lead. What these fools of in-laws are doing is damaging a young child’s sense of self-worth and creating a situation of sibling rivalry that could end up very embittered and lasting a very long time.

As for the ridiculous charges of "jealousy" and "selfishness" leveled against the OP on this thread, this is NOT ABOUT her wanting her eldest daughter bought stacks of toys; it's about her wanting her children treated equally. I've no doubt, as a mother myself, disneymum would be much happier to see BOTH girls given a PJ and slipper set!

LegacyUser

THANK YOU SEAHORSE!!!

That is exactly what I want some semblance of fairness - while I know life in general is unfair I believe that children should learn to unstand this a bit later on, while my eldest is 9years old she is very naive, still believes in Santa, Tooth Fairy, and so on, she thinks she is at fault because of they way they are treating her. I would much prefer a donation to a particular charity(I do a lot of work for a humanitarian group) on both their behalfs than any outwardly shown favouritism. I know the inlaws will never 'accept' my eldest as their own but to 'damage her self worth' is abismal. While I know this is only my opinion and obviously not theirs is it not my responsibility to decide what is best for my children? Should my rules not be foremost as they are my children?

Anyway, I posted here as it was coming between my hubby and I, it still will always be niggling until he does stand up for us in some way but I still love him and I am not running away. I am happier in myself having made this decision...well...until it crops up again! He has said that he does not expect me to go to any family do's because of the way they have treated me and that he does not expect the girls to go either because he too see's the differencial treatment and it's chain reaction. (Something was said to him last Sat night at the most recent family do) He has not said anything to them directly and he has said that he feels he has to go to the do's even though he doesn't want too. That is his choice and I will try to be supportive even though I don't think we should have to do anything we don't want to (within reason!).

Once again thanks all.

bangersandmash

magneticimpulse wrote: »

in a time when ireland is in recession, i think its very greedy to judge what gifts you get. people struggle as it is financially. christmas is a symbol of love and family. not about scrooge and how many gifts you get. im sorry but it sounds extremely childish to me.

I'm not sure what post you were reading, and why it demanded a trite lecture about recessions and the true meaning of Christmas.

I'm quite sure the OP's concerns are not about what material gifts the children will receive. But rather it's due to the fact that her two children are being treated differently, and she's concerned about the psychological impact that this preferential treatment will have in the longer term. If you find that hard to understand why she is concerned, I suggest you go back and read the insightful post by I*understand.

CDfm

OP- you seem to have gotten over your rant.

Your hubbys family may never like you at all and you will just have to come to terms with it.

You are much better off spending your time resolving the issues with your older daughters biological Dad and being more trusting with leaving her out of your sight.Whether its going to your in-laws or biological daughters father.

Stop trying to change the world and be happy -because it does seem like you are married to a good man who loves you and your children.

Maybe you need to give yourself a break from your in-laws as they know exactly what buttons to press. I wish I had known this earlier in life.

SarahMc

It sounds like a simple case of them not liking you, and because of that, and them not having a genetic link to your first daughter, they find it hard to bond with her.

The only way forward I can see, is to try and repair the relationship YOU have with them.

Hrududu

You can't expect your in-laws to suddenly love your eldest child. It seems like they do make some effort. You say they get her gifts. It sounds like you almost want to force them to start treating them equally. Which will only cause resentment from them, which will be no good for your daughter. From what you've written your daughter seems to have it pretty good, a good family, contact with her biological father and his family. In fact it sounds like she almost has it better than your second daughter.

To be honest it sounds like you are spoiling for a fight. And I don't see how your husband can possibly win. Do you want him to tell his family that they need to start loving your daughter? Or just to start pretending that they do?

OS119

CDfm wrote: »

OP- you seem to have gotten over your rant.

Your hubbys family may never like you at all and you will just have to come to terms with it.

You are much better off spending your time resolving the issues with your older daughters biological Dad and being more trusting with leaving her out of your sight.Whether its going to your in-laws or biological daughters father.

Stop trying to change the world and be happy -because it does seem like you are married to a good man who loves you and your children.

Maybe you need to give yourself a break from your in-laws as they know exactly what buttons to press. I wish I had known this earlier in life.

are you suggesting that the OP should be happy when her daughter cries and asks 'why don't they like me'?

OP, i wouldn't leave my children with people who treat them like shit, and wouldn't be very 'happy' if my wife decided to socialise with such people - and i'm not sure i'd class her as a 'good woman who loves her children' if she did so.

i have this very boring, conservative mindset when it comes to the welfare of children: the welfare - happiness, security and safety - of children is the highest, indeed the only, priority. people who believe that making sure a nine year old knows their genetic place, and knows that its very much 'second' to another child, is a greater priority than ensuring that that child knows it is loved and cherished, really don't fit into that concept - and as such i wouldn't put them incharge of a bag of chips, let alone a nine year old that might run out into the road, or play with scissors.

i literally wouldn't trust such people to either pay enough attention to ensure that the chance of such accidents is mitigated, or to do the right thing if such a thing did happen - why? because they have consitantly proven that the welfatre of the child is not their highest priority.

fcuk 'em. and if hubby is prepared to watch people making 'his' kids cry without punching their lights out then fcuk him too!

CDfm

OS119 wrote: »

are you suggesting that the OP should be happy when her daughter cries and asks 'why don't they like me'?

And maybe her daughter picks up on her reaction

OP, i wouldn't leave my children with people who treat them like shit, and wouldn't be very 'happy' if my wife decided to socialise with such people - and i'm not sure i'd class her as a 'good woman who loves her children' if she did so.

There is a lack of trust and it doesn't look like she is in danger

i literally wouldn't trust such people to either pay enough attention to ensure that the chance of such accidents is mitigated, or to do the right thing if such a thing did happen - why? because they have consitantly proven that the welfatre of the child is not their highest priorit

Small steps not big ones

fcuk 'em. and if hubby is prepared to watch people making 'his' kids cry without punching their lights out then fcuk him too!

That is so not helpful.

The OP needs to have a cool and positive attitude - in the words of Queen Victoria forgive but dont forget.

OS119

CDfm wrote: »

The OP needs to have a cool and positive attitude.

do you really, really believe that parents 'should be cool and have a positive attitude' towards other adults who deliberately upset their children?

do you have children - and if you do, if your nine year old came home - repeatedly - in tears after being ignored and belittled by said 'adults', do you really think that you'd be 'cool and positive'?

Hrududu

OS119 wrote: »

do you really, really believe that parents 'should be cool and have a positive attitude' towards other adults who deliberately upset their children?

do you have children - and if you do, if your nine year old came home - repeatedly - in tears after being ignored and belittled by said 'adults', do you really think that you'd be 'cool and positive'?

Apologies if I've missed something but I didn't see anything in the OP's posts where she said that her in-laws belittled her child. The only examples given were that her second daughter got more presents and got taken out more. Oh and they apparently say 'hi' to the children differently.

CDfm

OS119 wrote: »

do you really, really believe that parents 'should be cool and have a positive attitude' towards other adults who deliberately upset their children?

do you have children - and if you do, if your nine year old came home - repeatedly - in tears after being ignored and belittled by said 'adults', do you really think that you'd be 'cool and positive'?

Do i believe that the OP has contributed to this. Yes I do.

Do I judge her for getting pregnant during a break - of course not. Do I think her hubby has been great yes. Do I think the in-laws cant understand him sticking with her- that too.

I am suggesting that the OP accepts things as they are and draw a line behind the past. I am not saying it will be easy too but I have a feeling its the best way.

LegacyUser

Hrududu wrote: »

Apologies if I've missed something but I didn't see anything in the OP's posts where she said that her in-laws belittled her child. The only examples given were that her second daughter got more presents and got taken out more. Oh and they apparently say 'hi' to the children differently.

When your nine things matter that all in all shouldn't, such as -
to eldest - Hello 'mary'
to youngest - hello my princess tell us all about your day

to eldest - 'mary' don't sit there thats 'johns' seat
to youngest - which seat would you like my love, the princess gets to sit wherever she likes

to eldest - 'mary' happy christmas
to youngest - happy christmas the best girl in the world, now sit up here and tell us what Santa got you, will we help you with your presents

to eldest - goodbye
to youngest - make sure you come back to us princess cause we all miss you loads

a few months ago the inlaw grandparents had the girls for a few hours, youngest got taken out for the afternoon visiting all and sundry and going for icecream by one of the sisters in law while eldest was left in front of the tele with the grandparents?????

etc etc etc etc and on and on and on and on........... and these are only a few examples!

it's not about presents and the odd hi, its about treatment.
BOTH of my chilren are my number 1's, my highest priority and if the inlaws can't understand that well I'm afraid thats tough luck. My children will meet enough nasty and selfish people in their lives, why should I subject them to that behaviour on purpose?

seahorse

disneymum wrote: »

THANK YOU SEAHORSE!!!

No probs Disneymum, I'm surprised you haven’t gotten more support on this thread because the situation is beyond obvious to me. Perhaps you'd consider asking the mods to move it to the parenting forum? You might get more constructive advice there.

Hrududu wrote: »

You can't expect your in-laws to suddenly love your eldest child.

There is nothing "sudden" going on here. The eldest daughter is nine years old and the youngest isn't yet three, therefore the OP's in-laws had OVER SIX YEARS to form a bond with the eldest child before the second came along.

For years photos of her and her parents hung on the walls in her grandparents and aunts and uncles homes, then along comes the biological child and the eldest is suddenly out in the cold, handed token gifts which, at nine years of age, she is old enough to understand and interpret as equating with her inferior status as far as they are concerned.

I’ve only got the one myself but you don’t need to have two kids to know that they should not be treated with this type of damaging distinction and it IS damaging to convey to a child in any way shape or form that they are of lesser significance than a sibling.

Honest to God, I can only hope that anyone who cannot see this situation for what it is hasn’t got two or more kids!

Hrududu

There is nothing "sudden" going on here. The eldest daughter is nine years old and the youngest isn't yet three, therefore the OP's in-laws had OVER SIX YEARS to form a bond with the eldest child before the second came along.

What I mean is that the child is 9 and like you say has been in their lives for quite a while. And from what the OP says they don't love her. They won't suddenly turn around and change.

When I read through the different ways the grandparents speak to both children I wonder what can be done to make a difference. Do they start calling the eldest daughter princess and make a big fuss? Because from what we've heard I can't see that happening. Do they tone down the fuss they make of the 2nd daughter? They sound crazy about her so that doesn't seem likely either. Its hard to see a practical way of dealing with this. But staying away from the family completely sounds like it might just make things worse.

Taltos

Hrududu wrote: »

What I mean is that the child is 9 and like you say has been in their lives for quite a while. And from what the OP says they don't love her. They won't suddenly turn around and change.

When I read through the different ways the grandparents speak to both children I wonder what can be done to make a difference. Do they start calling the eldest daughter princess and make a big fuss? Because from what we've heard I can't see that happening. Do they tone down the fuss they make of the 2nd daughter? They sound crazy about her so that doesn't seem likely either. Its hard to see a practical way of dealing with this. But staying away from the family completely sounds like it might just make things worse.

Agreed.
Your eldest is 9 now. Why not just sit her down and explain it to her.
I can clearly remember being 9 - you might be surprised at how it will just click with her. Once she understands why they are why they are and the fact that she has her own grandparents who spoil her as much as the others spoil her younger sister I cannot see what the big deal is about.

Also if their behaviour is upsetting you so much then don't put yourself or your eldest in that situation. As per my earlier posts - your eldest is not related to them and to be fair I think that if anything they are maybe a bit too honest in letting you know this. It is not like they suddenly started acting this way last week.

Granted your partner should ask them to tone it down a bit - but he cannot force them to care for your eldest. Keep in mind grandparents are prone to spoiling their grandchildren - asking them to stop this is like fighting the tide. Pointless.