Messy situation with bf, drink and baby

LegacyUser

Not really where to start on this one.

Myself and my boyfriend live together with our 8 month old child in my house. Yesterday while watching the Ireland match, bf consumed a bottle of vodka (70cl). Our child hasn’t been well this week she fell asleep for a while, woke up screaming. BF took her up then handed her to me. I was trying to distract her with a book and it wasn’t working. BF then tried to grab her out of my arms to try to settle her. I was p!ssed at him doing this, if he’d asked I would have handed her to him. Anyway after a few mins that blew over and he apologised, just he was agitated that she was so upset and wanted to calm her.

Anyway he kept bringing up and trying to explain why he had grabbed dd earlier, I told him to drop it. There was no point talking when he’d drink on him. His vodka was gone and he went looking for more alcohol. He tried to open a bottle of wine from the fridge. I told him it was mine, and he wasn’t to drink it as he’d taken drink before and hadn’t replaced it. He kept saying he was taking it anyway so I ignored him and he opened the wine. He started telling me I was just jealous of him cos he had gotten dd to sleep earlier and that I wasn’t a good mother to her. This in spite of him always telling me I’m a great mother to her. In all our child's life we have never argued over her.

I headed up to bed. BF came up, said goodnight and headed back downstairs. DD was just asleep when bf arrived back up. He was quite aggressive and loud. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him and I’d wait for my apology in the morning. I know that was a bit antagonistic but I was worried about DD and wanted to get her back to sleep. She was lying beside me in bed, falling asleep. BF again went to grab her up saying he’d get her asleep. I put my arm up to stop him getting to her, he punched me in the elbow. He then managed to knock a book on top of her head from the locker, and he fell out of the bed. DD was crying at this point, so I picked her up and turned to the other side of the bed. BF grabbed me by my hair to pull me back. I was sitting at the edge of the bed with baby in my arms, she was drifting back to sleep. He was also on the bed, and started shouting at me to hit him. He started to slap his own face then grabbed a bottle of deodorant and started to tell me to hit him with it. I took it and threw it across the floor, telling him to get out of the bedroom again. He then took a knife from his pocket. He started to run it across his cheeks. I was freaked. Why would he even bring a knife upstairs?

I screamed at him to get out, grabbed my phone. I was shaking, not sure what to do. He must have left the room. At this point it was about midnight. I rang a mutual friend, I stood at the door so he couldn’t get back in. Baby was on the bed. I couldn’t leave her there and block the door so I went to her. He came back in and while I was on the phone again he started to move knife across his cheeks and then across his wrists. Friend said to put him on phone, so i did. As he spoke to her he came towards me with the knife. It was a kitchen knife that you’d use for cutting veg, etc. I screamed, he just smirked.

He said goodnight to baby. He threw knife out to hall and I got it and hid it. He came to give me a hug. I was shaking so much, I didn’t want him near me. He couldn’t understand this. He went downstairs. I put baby in her cot, I needed to get my phone charger. He came out and cornered me, again wanting to give me a hug. I pushed him aside and went back in to the bedroom. Put a chair against the door, and got baby to sleep.

This morning I left early, dropped baby at the crèche and went to work. He rang me to apologise. I said ok and I didn’t want to talk to him. He went to work this morning, and he is going to stay in his own place.

I’m here in work. I don’t know what to do about this. I’m disgusted and exhausted. I was terrified last night, maybe I should have called the gardai. I don’t want anything to do with him. He has a drink problem, he got help in the past. But clearly it is now a problem again. Probably by ignoring him when he wanted to argue I made the situation worse, but I don't know how else to handle it.

I know he wouldn't ever do anything to intentionally hurt the baby. I actually don't think he'd cause me serious damage but i can't be sure. I'm the sole guardian of our daughter, I sent him the instructons to get guardianship, he looked in to it but never followed it through.

I don't know what to do now. I dont want to be with him now. What kind of arrangement can I put in place so my daughter can spend time with him, without me worrying that he is drinking while he has her?

RealistSpy

Hi,

You really need to seriously talk to him, that is not how an adult should behave. You shouldn't tolarate such behavior. A mother needs to feel secure in her own home.

Your boyfriend sounds like an absolute nutjob. I would not leave him anywhere near my child or me for that matter. Drink is no excus for that sort of behaviour. Change the locks on your doors and move on. He is not worth it.

SueWho

I am sorry to hear your story.

"I know he wouldn't ever do anything to intentionally hurt the baby. I actually don't think he'd cause me serious damage but i can't be sure."

Unfortunately when people drink too much they can do anything- intentional or unintentional. The drink is in control. You and your daughter are not safe living with this guy- is there someone you can stay with? Your parents or a friend? Just get out. Go, go, go.

There's one thing my mam thought me and I still stick by it- if he hits you once just leave- there should be no second chance for someone who is violent. Do not wait around for the second, third, fourth time. It will happen again.

And don't forget, not only should you be safe at home but you should feel loved and supported- and so should your daughter. This guy doesn't sound like the type that can ever give you that.

I really hope you can be strong and leave for your sake and your daughter's. You are better off with no man than with this guy.

Peggypeg

Wow IP, that's a really crap thing to go through, BIG HUG.

He sounds like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't get better sweetie, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, that's why once they get help (AA) they don't ever drink again, that's called being a recovering alcoholic, coz there's no cure you see? So yeah he may have got help in the past but because he is now drinking again he is an active alcoholic (I know all this coz my mam is in recovery for the last 18 years, fair play to her).

I know you can't ever see him hurting DD on purpose but he dropped a book on her head and he came up to you with a knife. Sweetheart you need to go to the gaurds and report all of this. You need to document everything like this coz if you break up you'll want to make sure he doesn't have unsupervised visits with her for obvious reasons. That is best achieved by documenting everything. I would also be pressing charges by the way, he has no right to pull your hair never mind threaten you with a knife. I don't know you but I'll tell you what I would do if I were you:

1 - Change your locks
2 - Contact your creche and tell them not to give DD to OH, only you can collect her.
3 - Finish with OP (if you haven't already)
4 - Arrange visits for DD to see her dad, just make sure you are there with backup (someone male & preferably big but fairly relaxed who won't be dying to be a hero)

Do you have anyone to go stay with for some support? Family maybe?

I'm worried about you OP, your OH sounds completely unstable and dangerous. Please look after yourself.

iguana

First off does he have a key to your house? If so I think you need to change the locks. He may be apologetic now but if he gets drunk tonight or tomorrow he will probably get very irrational again and you need to put your and your baby's safety first.

Secondly what kind of relationship do you and he have with his parents? If it is a reasonable one I think you should contact them and let them know what has happened. They may be able to help him get help for himself as he clearly needs it. They could also act as a go between with you and him with regards to your daughter. And if you feel it is safe they could be present when he sees the baby? Though I think you should take your time with regards to that and make sure you put your daughters needs over his. The situation with the knife sounds terrifying and I would be very wary of him until he gets some sort of psychiatric care.

SarahSassy

Maybe this thug and bully will get a wake up call if he gets a small visit from the police. He assaulted you and your baby and you told him all was ok???

Drink is no excuse.. He should not be getting that drunk with a baby in the house. Do nto let this escalate.... What he has done is so bad and so mental there should be no going back.

shellyboo

Holy god, OP... Get out and get out fast. Forget about access and all the rest, you can sort that later when you're somewhere safe. He sounds dangerous.

DubLass

Beruthiel

OP
This is really very simple. He is a danger to you and your baby.
Your baby is your number one priority and it only takes one second of stupidity on his part to do some serious damage.
Get him out of your house asap and as been said already, change the locks.

You might come back and say sure he's grand most of the time. All well and good but it only takes another night like last night to cause serious risk to you and your baby.

banie01

OP....Seriously a man doesn't EVER act like an immature bully!
A loving boyfriend/partner NEVER deliberatly instills fear in his OH!
And a loving Father NEVER does anything remotely deliberatly hurtful to his child!

One of the cornerstones of a good relationship is that even when things are falling apart around ye is that you know when ye're together......Ye're safe, you have a loving environment where ye'll look after each other!
Can you honestly say you'll ever feel that way again after his performance????

Nevyn

It sounds like he is a danger to you, your child and himself when he has been drinking.
There is no excusing his behaviour.
You have grounds to get a safety order and you should never feel threathened like that in your own home.

Time to tell him he can no tbe drinking around you and the child or come visit wth drink taken.

anniehoo

:eek: Oh my god OP thats horrendous behaviour drunk or not!! Get him out of your house ASAP. As a previous poster said if hes made an attempt to strike you once he will do it again. Please for the sake of your baby change the locks on your door and get the guards involved. Also, dont be afraid to tell any of your friends about this-the more help the better. Totally totally unacceptable and dangerous behaviour!

Lollipops23

Usually I give out about the lack of access father's have unless they're legal guardians. But not this time. Change locks, change your number, move if you have to. Get this man out of you and your child's life.

He was prepared to punch you in order to get the child, what makes you think he won't hurt her the next time she annoys him when he's had a few drinks?

Barracudaincork

IMO this relationship is wrong for many reasons, for starters i cant imagine ever telling someone i live with that that wine in the fridge is mine and you cant have it, i would barely do that with a flatmate. However, that is very minor in comparasion to how he has been.

He has threatened you, put you and your baby in danger, get him out of the house now! Do not ever ever ever feel embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone what he has done, he is in the wrong and you are only protecting him if you keep your mouth shut about it.

I personally would report it to the police, i would value my own and my baby's life too much not to. But i also realise that is easy for a person with no emotional attachment to say.

metrovelvet

Hi. Im sorry you are going through this. This is the last thing you need while trying to look after a baby.

If you can, I would suggest you go to some ALANON meetings and listen to adults who grew up as children with alcoholic parents.

You will know what to do after that.

In fact if there is an access/custody fight up the road it would be good to have a complaint filed with the police to back you up.

username123

+1 to Alanon.

For the rest of it. Change the locks. Refuse access until it is hammered out by a court, or a solicitor. Make a report to the Guards. Do not put yourself into a situation alone with him again.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic, if so I promise you that your reaction to this is going to provoke a massive reaction in him - whether that be anger or huge guilt I do not know, but you need to get some support and stay strong. To that end, go to Alanon.

Remember that the person who behaved that way last night was not the one in the drivers seat, the alcohol was - hate the alcohol but not the person, but be aware that the person is a prisoner of the booze. He may be remorseful etc...but it will only take another bottle of vodka to trigger similar or worse behaviour. Alcoholics are boundary pushers too so an incident like this can be a warning that worse behaviour could come.

Above all please look after yourself and your baby.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I actually haven't told anyone what has happened, apart from one friend I called last night. I'm too embarrassed about it. I dont think I'm ready for the questions. I'm going to my sisters shortly, so I'll try to get up the courage to tell her. I know my family and friends will be very supportive of me.

I already had plans to go down to my friends house in the country on Saturday so I might extend that.

He has called me several times, I answered once and he is drinking today.
I will look up alanon, I thought he had his problem beaten but slowly it has crept back up.

I don't know if I want to get the police involved. Umm .... there is already a complaint on file from a year ago. He didn't hit me or touch me that time, but I'd been intimidated and he damaged my car. I did leave that time, but we got back before the baby was born. For the last few months I have been quesstioning him and and me. I'm just sorry I took so long deciding on it. Anyway I don't want my daughter brought up thinking that level of drinking is normal, and I certainly dont want to put her at any risk. I'll look up about supervised access and also see what I need to do about the creche.

Thanks again to everyone.

nesbitt

If the house is yours and your not married to this guy, thank your lucky stars OP.

PLEASE phone womens aid (number in the phone book) and have a chat with an adviser they will explain the type of behaviour you are dealing with, why it will not change or get better. You and your baby deserve to feel and be SAFE in your own home. A basic human right.

My ex husband started acting like a mental patient in the last weeks of our marriage whilst drunk. I phoned the police, numb but strong and the rest is history. Don't want to go into exact details but take it from me that you must have ZERO TOLERANCE to this behaviour.

Oh and by the way you will get a profuse apology and promise that it will never happen again, but OP it will and each time it will be worse.

Please take heed and take necessary action. No ifs, buts or maybes.... Mind yourself.

iguana

Hi Op, I really don't want to add to your worry but be very, very careful when you are at home. You know he has been drinking now so take precautions, especially if he has keys. If you are at home alone lock the doors so they can't be opened from outside. But also be sure he isn't in the house when you arrive.

I really, really don't want to freak you out but the behaviour you described in your OP was unhinged and that was with very minor provocation. Now that you don't want him around you or your daughter he may have a stronger reaction. So you need to be very careful.

Can you stay with your sister tonight? Or have someone accompany you to your house so you can be sure you are safe when you arrive? If you do stay in the house alone, lock every door and window and keep your phone near you. If he comes to the house call the guards immediately.

It would also be a good idea to stop talking to him right now and have a third party act as a go between. Someone who he may listen to who can calm him down rather than provoke him, so a mutual friend or one of his family. I know the gut reaction could be to have someone give out stink to him, but the safest outcome for you is for him to get help.

And if he does start getting help thread very carefully before you trust him. I'm not any sort of expert but my gut reaction is that his problems go deeper than alcoholism. If he comes along in 2 or 3 weeks and tells you he isn't drinking anymore and is in AA and seems fine I'd still be very wary about his access to you or your daughter. He sounds like he needs professional medical/psychiatric help.

Moomoo1

OP, just a note on getting the police involved... be careful

there have been a good number of cases in the UK where mothers who reported violent partners to police have had their children taken away because it was said that 'the mother did not do enough to prevent their children from being emotionally abused by witnessing the partner shouting at/hitting her'.


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/ireland/article6797889.ece

Handsome Bob

OP, your boyfriend is an unwell individual who is a danger to you and your child. If it is all possible I suggest that you take your child and move back in with your own family where you and your child can be protected.

Alcoholics don't realise the situation they are in until they hit rock bottom, and I fear when he does hit rock bottom it will because he's done some serious damage to you or your child.

Hopefully if you leave, losing his girlfriend and child will instigate the process of seeking help for himself.

monalitto

oh girl, please listen to all the advice you've been given, I hope you & your baby are safe now - dont put this on the back-boiler if he's started behaving himself again, you're out of your dept here & need help. let us know how you are, good luck.

Johnnnybravo

Do not let this man near your child. Why on earth after last night and the other incidents would you want your daughter to have contact with this guy? Even with drink on board bringing the knife upstairs is very fukced up behaviour, a lot of people have drink problems but this is more than a drink problem. You really need to try get this guy out of your life.

xzanti

Op I'm so sorry for what you're going through.. Nobody, not least a young mother should have to go through that

Can I just say that my father is a recovered alcoholic and in all his years, even in the deepest throws of the disease he NEVER did anything like that.. He sounds like he does indeed have a problem with the drink but there is something else going on there... What I read in your post actually made my blood run cold.. Change your locks, inform the police and get as many family and friends rallied around you as you can right now.. That's my advice..

Best of luck x

LegacyUser

Hi op here.

2 of my closest friends now know what has happened. I've also told my brother all the details. I spoke with my dad this morning, I told him we had split up as he'd been agressive and I was scared, but didn't go in to all the details over the phone. My dad asked me if ex still has key, and i realise he has, so later he is going to get me new locks for door.
Last night when I returned home I didn't feel comfortable at all, so headed over with baby to my brothers house. We are still here.

This morning I called my ex bf's brother in law as he knows what ex is like. He is going to get in touch with him and see what can be done to help him. He was very understanding, and I also feel he can be objective.

Ex is on medication for several years for depression/anxiety, and for the last few months he has himself been cutting down on quantity. Even the doctor told him if he wanted to cut down he'd need to go to therapy at the same time. He shouldnt even be drinking with his tablets. There is obviously some imbalance there.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond, while I knew what he did was wrong I think it took your reactions for me to realise the severity of what he has done.
I'm sitting here not quite sure what to do next. I dont want anything to do with ex, but I know he is going to want to see dd soon.

metrovelvet

This guy has not hit rock bottom. He has fallen through the other side of the earth.

Honestly keep away and keep your child away from him.

nesbitt

OP supervised visits can be arranged by social workers if at all. Speak to your health nurse and she will let you know what to do/not to do. Well done for bringing this all out in the open and telling your family. You have taken a big step to a happy future for you and your daughter. All my best.

SarahSassy

Well done OP, you are really doing it all by the book and doing very very well here. You are right to protect yourself and the baby.. Best of luck to you.

Lollipops23

OP I'm so happy that you've taken such positive steps, that took real bravery. Well done.

Just keep strong, for your sake and your babies. If you don't feel up to going home yet, don't. And certainly not until your Dad has the locks changed.

iguana

I'm glad you're ok OP and I think you are doing everything just right and are very strong. Stay wherever you feel safe right now and take your time in choosing to move home. Your family are there to support you so rely on them while you need them.

monalitto

hi OP good luck to you... you've taken the first & hardest step. You obviously have good instincts (& family/friends support), trust them & the good advice you've been given here. You will be fine, remember- you & your daughter deserve better than that, you're already leaving that chapter in your life, good luck in this new one. X:)

Beruthiel

tiredanita wrote: »

Hi op here.

2 of my closest friends now know what has happened. I've also told my brother all the details. I spoke with my dad this morning, I told him we had split up as he'd been agressive and I was scared, but didn't go in to all the details over the phone. My dad asked me if ex still has key, and i realise he has, so later he is going to get me new locks for door.

This is a fantastic step forward for you.
Do not look back now.
I know you got back with him because of the baby but believe me, your baby is a million times better off without that kind of mental and physical bullying.
Never doubt for one second that you have done the right thing for you and your baby.
Well done!

LegacyUser

My Mother left my father when I was <1 to save me and herself from my abusive Father. Unfortunately I was still faced with his temper at times uring my childhood while he had access.

Please do not look back.

I have so much respect for your bravery and so will your family, friends and everyone you meet in life. We live in modern times, the support networks are there. When my own Mam did this, single mothers were shamed, we were called a "broken family by neighbors, gossips, small minded people.

You are doing the right thing, look for love and support from your friends and family. You don't have to do anything alone.

NedTermo

Get out now.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Sorry you're having such a hard time of it. Firstly lthinking about letting him spend time with your daughter alone or otherwise at this time is madness. If I were you i'd go to a close family member of friend you and your daughter can stay with after work I wouldn't go back home until you've thought through what you're going to do. He needs help with his drinking and you can't help him he can only do that himself, you need to speak to him about this maybe over the phone or at least let someone mind your daughter while you meet with thim. Tell him you'll support him if he goes to Rehab or to AA and makes an attempt to get off the drink but if he's not willing to do that then you can't be in his life. I know this will be hard for you but you have to think about you and your daughters safety. Realistically unless he goes on dry you need to stay away from him. I would definitely have a chat with the guards if he doesn't agree to give up and see about getting a restraining order. There's too much at stake here, maybe the thoughts of losing you and his daughter might give him a kick. But whether he'll admit to it or not, drink is his priority as with all alcoholics.

MizzLolly

I think it's so admirable how brave you're being. So many people bury their heads in the sand and make excuses but you're standing up for yourself and your baby's safety. Well done and I hope all works out well for you.

Take care

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

+1 to Alanon.

For the rest of it. Change the locks. Refuse access until it is hammered out by a court, or a solicitor. Make a report to the Guards. Do not put yourself into a situation alone with him again.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic, if so I promise you that your reaction to this is going to provoke a massive reaction in him - whether that be anger or huge guilt I do not know, but you need to get some support and stay strong. To that end, go to Alanon.

Remember that the person who behaved that way last night was not the one in the drivers seat, the alcohol was - hate the alcohol but not the person, but be aware that the person is a prisoner of the booze. He may be remorseful etc...but it will only take another bottle of vodka to trigger similar or worse behaviour. Alcoholics are boundary pushers too so an incident like this can be a warning that worse behaviour could come.

Above all please look after yourself and your baby.

+ 1. My own mam is an alcoholic and is the nicest person in the world deep down, but she's a completely different person when the booze takes over she's put myself and my siblings in danger, by getting involved with a scumbag who provides booze for her. He rang my bf's job before and told him he was going to burn his house down and when I told my mam she called me a liar. My mam has asked me for money to but "Christmas presents" for my younger sister before when in fact it was money she owed to another relative which would have went on booze. Why am I telling you this, because you need to know now that he is probably gonna promise you the sun moon and the stars and he'll never do it again, tears the full works, but you have to take everything an alcoholic says with a pinch of salt they will lie to you no end and can be very convincing. You need to know this now before he worms his way back into yours and your babies lifes and god forbid "next time" something serious should happen. As Username 123 has said you can love him with all your heart, I know I love my mam to bits but they are not the same person when the drink takes over. Keep strong and think positive xxxx

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, op here.

When I woke up on Sat morning I had a dozen missed calls, and a text saying he was in hospital as he'd overdosed on drugs (not intentionally).
From what I gather he had been drinking since Thursday morning, and by Friday night needed some 'help' to be able to keep drinking so did some cocaine and ectasy.

Obviously the combination wasn't good and his 'friend' who he had been drinking with called an ambulance as he passed out. Anyway ex asked me to pick him up, I said no. But I did ring his brother in law, who rang the hospital himself, and fair play to him he came up from the country in the rain and storms.

By lunchtime, ex had discharged himself from hosp against medical advice. I'd told his brother in law everything, so he really told him some home truths.
Ex rang me again, big apology and asked could he even just stay with me one night as doctors had told him there was some damage to his heart thats why they wanted to keep him in and he was scared to be by himself in case something happened him. Again I told him I didn't want him in my house or near me. If he'd been so concerned he shouldnt have left the hospital. I suggested if he was so worried he should go to his parents which is what he did.

He has decided to give up drink and is now going to AA. He is totally ashamed about what happened. However, to some degree he seems to think he can just pick up from where he left off before all this happened. I told him it doesn't work that way and he has a long way to go to prove that he has changed for the better. He seems shocked that I had no sympathy for him when he was in hosp, etc.

Without drink he is a good person, but like so many of you have said drink takes over a person. He is badly missing his daughter. I want to do whats best for her, and I think that means he should be involved in her life, but first he needs to clean up his act and work on building up trust. This is where I have the difficulty. He has burnt his bridges with me, I don't want to be that person who keeps her daughter from her father ... At what point do you give someone a second chance?

Fiend-Foe

TiredAnita wrote: »

At what point do you give someone a second chance?

In this case, not for quite some time. Don't worry, your daughter won't know any different. All that hospital stuff was very conveniently timed. I'm so happy you didn't buy into it. Father/Son - Father/Daughter relationships aren't as important in the first few years. The child needs to be safe and stable with her Mother.

I would say he has a long road of recovery before you can even entertain allowing your Daughter around him.

That little stunt just shows how unstable and manipulative he is.

Please stay strong and don't buy into it. This is for your Daughter. You're doing great.

Nevyn

TiredAnita wrote: »

Without drink he is a good person, but like so many of you have said drink takes over a person. He is badly missing his daughter. I want to do whats best for her, and I think that means he should be involved in her life, but first he needs to clean up his act and work on building up trust. This is where I have the difficulty. He has burnt his bridges with me, I don't want to be that person who keeps her daughter from her father ... At what point do you give someone a second chance?

When they are clearly in recovery and not just saying the will make changes on the back of a bad scare.

davyjose

TiredAnita wrote: »

At what point do you give someone a second chance?

When they earn it.

Besides, it sounds like a long time since he was given his second chance.

ManOfMystery

Trust is earned, not given. When YOU decide that your ex has proven he is serious about giving up the drink and whatever other chemicals that change his personality, then he can have a second chance. But you will make that decision based on his actions, his apologies, and his plans on keeping himself straight in the future - it's not up to anyone else.

Just to echo some comments above OP, I think you've been very very level headed about all this and have done everthing exactly as it should be done - putting your daughter first and foremost. That can't be easy when I'm sure you still have some feelings for your ex and are coping with a breakup and everything that happened to yourself. Just want to say that you're doing a great job of moving on from this and I hope you carry on as you have been, your daughter is lucky to have you as her mother.

Good luck

Abi

TiredAnita wrote: »

Hi everyone, op here.

When I woke up on Sat morning I had a dozen missed calls, and a text saying he was in hospital as he'd overdosed on drugs (not intentionally).
From what I gather he had been drinking since Thursday morning, and by Friday night needed some 'help' to be able to keep drinking so did some cocaine and ectasy.

Obviously the combination wasn't good and his 'friend' who he had been drinking with called an ambulance as he passed out. Anyway ex asked me to pick him up, I said no. But I did ring his brother in law, who rang the hospital himself, and fair play to him he came up from the country in the rain and storms.

By lunchtime, ex had discharged himself from hosp against medical advice. I'd told his brother in law everything, so he really told him some home truths.
Ex rang me again, big apology and asked could he even just stay with me one night as doctors had told him there was some damage to his heart thats why they wanted to keep him in and he was scared to be by himself in case something happened him. Again I told him I didn't want him in my house or near me. If he'd been so concerned he shouldnt have left the hospital. I suggested if he was so worried he should go to his parents which is what he did.

He has decided to give up drink and is now going to AA. He is totally ashamed about what happened. However, to some degree he seems to think he can just pick up from where he left off before all this happened. I told him it doesn't work that way and he has a long way to go to prove that he has changed for the better. He seems shocked that I had no sympathy for him when he was in hosp, etc.

Without drink he is a good person, but like so many of you have said drink takes over a person. He is badly missing his daughter. I want to do whats best for her, and I think that means he should be involved in her life, but first he needs to clean up his act and work on building up trust. This is where I have the difficulty. He has burnt his bridges with me, I don't want to be that person who keeps her daughter from her father ... At what point do you give someone a second chance?

As the others have said, when he has truly earned it. He was carrying a goddamn knife around the house, that is bloody scary. The drinking, drugs, late night phone calls have to stop. To be perfectly honest with you, I'd still go ahead with a safety order as Thaed suggested, just to keep yourself covered. My eyes nearly popped out when I read your first post!

Secondly, you mentioned in an an earlier post that you were embarrassed to tell anyone (now I know you have since), but you've nothing to be ashamed of here, but he has.

You were also right to say that to him about leaving the hospital, it was an obvious attempt to pull at your heart strings. And he will try plenty more of it too. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, then its down to him to get through his problems. The only thing you need to worry about is the safety of yourself and your baby. You've made some very good moves since than night, keep it up and don't allow him to manipulate you into letting him staying in the house again. Best of luck with it OP.

Jumpy

One of the scariest posts I have read so far here OP.
Never get to thinking that this behavior is in anyway normal and it "happens to every couple now and then" it doesnt. This is bat**** crazy behaviour brought on by alcohol/anti-depressant combo most likely over a long term.
You have zero responsibility to get this man clean by the way, it wasnt caused by you so dont start bowing under the pressure of pleading phone calls. Nothing you do will change what he does. Only he can do that.
By the look of his actions as described by you OP, he is fairly far gone. It would take monumental willpower to climb back from that. If you see that happen (and it takes years) then maybe then look at contact again. But holy hell. I feel sorry for you having to go through that.
+1 for Alanon as well, you should talk to others that have been through similar.

paperclip2

TiredAnita wrote: »

Without drink he is a good person, but like so many of you have said drink takes over a person. He is badly missing his daughter. I want to do whats best for her, and I think that means he should be involved in her life, but first he needs to clean up his act and work on building up trust. This is where I have the difficulty. He has burnt his bridges with me, I don't want to be that person who keeps her daughter from her father ... At what point do you give someone a second chance?

My daughters dad is an alcoholic but thankfully sober for the past nine years. He was part of her life up to the age of 13 months when I left him because of scenarios similar to the ones you described. I kept her away from him until she was five years old. Up until that point he wasn't safe for her to be with even under supervision. I told him if he wanted to be part of her life he would need to be off the drink and make some serious changes. When she was three he decided to change his life and took two years to get sober. When she was five he asked for that chance to be part of her life again. They have had a great relationship ever since.

Off the drink he is a different human being. Someone I can respect as a person and as a co-parent. Also my daughter doesn't have any negative memories of her dad's drinking so their relationship is solid and she holds no negativity towards him for his alcoholism. Something he is grateful for.

Yes it was difficult to stop him seeing her as a baby but at the time I knew it was in her best interests. It also left the choice of whether he wanted to be in her life entirely in his own hands. If he wanted it badly enough he could make the changes. Thankfully it worked out for us.

You can only make the best decision you can at the time. If you truly believe that your partner is not capable of being a real father right now then maybe go with that. It doesn't have to be forever.

Good luck OP. Take care.