5 years later - still not over ex girlfriend

LegacyUser

It's been over 5 years since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Recently I've been feeling really down about it. I often read these forums but never posted until I read this thread and felt compelled to add to it.
Basically I broke it off with my ex. A few months passed where we should have really got back together but due me, we never did. She moved on, is now engaged and building a house. My heart has been torn apart over my stupidity years ago.
Right now, I'm back where I was years ago. I can't eat, sleep, and I'm just a walking zombie. Everything else in my life is good, but my heart is absoulutely aching. I really need to find peace in my head and stop torturing myself because no matter what I say or do I will never get her back.

This afternoon I made the decision that I'll have to speak to a counsellor I spoke to years ago. This has to stop. My head is melted over her. I haven't been able to love any girl since her, nor let anyone close to me. I've been licking my wounds for 5 years and just want it to stop.
I made a mistake, realised it but have lived with the consequences since. I have so much love to give but am stopping myself from giving it to anyone else but her, even though I know she's gone.

I'm just wondering what others, if any, that have found themselves in such a situation did to get over an ex?
I'm 29 now. Have lived quiet a bit but feel so empty in my heart without her. Christmas is coming I don't want to spend another one moping about her.

Any help/advice appreciated.

secondchance

I'm afraid I don't have any advice or help to give, just letting you know I understand how you feel and you aren't the only one who feels like this. I broke it off with my ex two years ago and deeply regret it since but it is too late.

When you went to that counsellor the last time was it in relation to the breakup? Maybe going back again would be a good idea. I'm thinking the same for myself... it's so hard having regrets. I find telling myself "if it was meant to be it would have happened" and that helps a bit when I'm very teary about the whole situation or beating myself up about it.

LegacyUser

Yeah I went to see a counsellor because it was consuming me so much. It was taking over my life. It has never ever gone away, just resurfaced really bad lately. I tried that 'if it was meant to be' attitude but it didn't help.
I shouldn't have done what I did and let it drag on for so long. I kick myself everyday. It hangs over me all the time and really want to clear my head of it. I regret it but can't change anything. After this long I thought I would feel different.

secondchance

Did the counselling help at all at the time? Have you any triggers for when the feelings start getting too much? Like for me I need to keep busy so I don't have too much time to think about it. You were saying you haven't been able to let anybody get close, I know that feeling, but when you are with other girls does it distract you any bit?

It's hard... people always have tips on how to get over someone if you've been dumped but no one ever seems to talk about how to get over having regrets.

kjl

Ok, well I don't pine for any of my ex's but there is the one who got away. I think the problem is that you still keep in contact with this girl, the fact that you know she is engaged and building a house seems like you might be a little close to her.

What you have failed to achieve in the last 5 years is closure, in order to do this you need to write her a letter and let her know how you feel. Explain to her that it is because of these feeling why you can't see her again. Tell her you are sorry, tell her everything you told us here.

Only then will you be free to move on.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. It's the worst feeling in the world to love someone so much and not be able to do anything about it.

I guess without knowing the reasons why you split, it makes it a bit difficult to give you advice. Five years is a long time, it may help to keep in mind that you split for a reason and even if you had gotten back together you might not have lasted the second time round, people change and grow emotionally alot over five years. You are still very young and the world is your oyster. She found love again, if you were truly meant to be she would have found her way back to you. You seem to have this girl up on a pedalstel.

It takes time to get to know someone and really love them and it doesn't sound like you are giving it a fair shot with anyone else. You seem to be comparing every other girl to her.

I'm a great believer in "what's for you won't pass you"

I know it's easier said than done but you really should get out and socialise with good mates and enjoy being single. Life is too short and before you know it you'll be settled down with a new love of your life and wondering why you wasted so much of your youth moping about this girl. Chin up and i really hope it gets easier for you.

modest_marie

Hi Op,

I'm sorry if I'm partly responsible for dragging all your thoughts up again.

How can I help? I'm on the flipside of your coin... as per the previous thread.

Why did you not get back with your ex a couple of months after breaking up?

LegacyUser

No one is responsible for dragging up my feelings for her. These thoughts have always been with me. Recently they just started hitting home with me. When you hear of engagements etc., it all becomes very final. When I read that thread I could identify completely with it.
I broke it off in a huff over a studpid argument one day. Lots of stuff was going through my head and I thought a break would be best. I felt if I went off with other women I would know for sure if she was the one. she begged and begged me to give it another go. After 4 years I wasn't willing to listen. She couldn't understand that.
My friends told me I was making a mistake, but I felt this was something I had to do. One thing I threw in her face when breaking it off, was that she texted me too much instead of ringing me. Sounds really petty but it did actually bug me. Over the next few weeks she rang me loads, I even rang her when I was abroad with the customary few gargles on board.
The writing was on the wall. I could feel it inside that I really really loved her. Time ticked on and I thought about saying it to her, ringing her sister even and asking her to meet me. I knew everyone would have been happy. For those few months, prob about 7/8, I didn't kiss one girl. I knew who I wanted. I never said it though and acted like I didn't care. looking back I can see that.
It wasn't until one day when I overheard her talking to a friend (we worked together 2 days a week) that I copped she might be seeing someone. I confronted her about it. She said 'did you expect me to wait forever?'. My heart was all over the shop. I ws almost choking. please no, I said to her. I love you, I need you etc. I told her that I hadn't been with anyone since we split up. She stood her ground and
said how she begged me to give it another ago months earlier. I didn't try then though. I fell to pieces and stupidly rang and texted her loads trying to get her back. Remember I had blanked her previously. As regards writing her a letter, well I wrote her a poem. It must have been 4 pages long and I poured everything into it. I meant every word of it. Of course she cried when she read it but said she couldn't go back to what we had. I had destroyed the one person
I truly loved, made her cry when all I wanted to do was hug her. I remember one text from her distinctly 'you broke it off with me-remember'. All this happened over the Christmas/New Year period. An absolute horrible time to feel alone and sad. The only Christmas i have enjoyed since was when I was in Australia.

Right now at this moment in time I feel so empty. I miss her so much. She was my best friend and now she's gone. We don't contact each other anymore. I never ever see her. Only met her once with her now fiance and maybe seen them twice.
It's absolutely eating me up inside and with Christmas coming up I need to do something. I'm not eating or sleeping right and cried over her about 3 times in the past 2 weeks. That's probably the first time in a couple of years.
Everyone says what's meant to be will be but when you've caused yourself this pain how can you believe that?
I'm absolutely broken hearted and so empty inside. I know that talking to someone might help, but I feel that I could always feel like this. I want to be happy, I really do. I have the best friends, great nights and a great family but there's a line from a from a song 'all your fears and worries attack when you're alone', without her I'm empty and alone.
I had my chance though, I never said anything and will regret it forever. Thanks for giving me this outlet to say things.

I need closure but I'm really really struggling to find it.

modest_marie

I will admit that accepting that you've lost someone is easier when you know the regret isn't on shoulders forever.

I'm just clasping at straws here, but maybe you haven't met the right woman yet. I'm sure your ex was amazing, but I don't believe that there is just one Person for everyone.

Perhaps you are looking for what you had in your ex, instead of meeting someone and opening your heart to them.

I could say to you to go back and tell your ex how you feel, but I think some may agrue that it's not fair on the Girl, and that as you know you had your chance. You are possibly both different People now. What you both had is gone as it was.
Maybe she is the Girl for you as she was. But maybe she is different now. Maybe you want different things from life.

But I am a softie.

I would travel to the end of the earth for someone that I love. I would risk my heart breaking all over again just to know for sure. And if my answer was not what I wanted to hear, then maybe that would be the closure I am looking for.

If you already know that the answer is that your ex is truly happier now that she could ever have been with you, then maybe this is your closure. (I'm sorry).

For closure, you need to accept that it didn't work out with your ex. Accept that for reasons you cannot understand you felt you would be better off without her if even for a couple of months. Accept that you needed to meet other Women to make you understand if she was the one or not. I'm not saying you should understand this, but accepting goes a long way to understanding. Perhaps it was fate working in a strange way.

I don't mean to seem harsh in this post. But perhaps you are stopping yourself letting go because you cannot forgive yourself or let go of the regret.

My ex will too meet someone some day and get married to a Girl whom I'm sure he'll be very happy with. But that doesn't concern me. What concerns me is making myself happy. Perhaps you need to think more about you and getting out into situations where you're having fun.

Moomoo1

bit late to say this now, but you should have told her to stop texting and calling and give you time. Because she wouldn't leave you alone, you never got the chance to realise how much you missed her, until it was too late.

LegacyUser

The amount of conversations I have had with her in my head is crazy. I've thought about writing a letter telling her exactly how I feel in the hope that could give me closure. But why would I do that to her? She is planning for her future and it wouldn't be fair to her. Even thought about ringing her asking to meet, but I know it would only make me worse. I know she probably would meet me if I thought it would help.

I suppose I'm really starting to grieve at the moment. It really is final now, even though to her it was over 5 years ago. I know that my heart will always miss her. There's another thread about a married lady who still wonders about her ex. She'll never do anything about it because she knows she's happy where she is right now. I'm afraid that I have to accept that my ex probably does think about me but is on another path now. I'd love to meet a girl and settle down but I'm afraid that I'd marry her and always be wondering what if? I don't think that's fair to any woman in my life.

I've tried to let go and start afresh with a new girl but it just never happens for me. Even a girl I see the odd time thinks it's because she has a daughter that get cold feet, but the truth is I don't love her and never will. I don't want to hurt her either so have explained that I don't want a relationship with her. People say maybe I haven't met the right girl. In my heart I feel I left her behind.

Maybe it's a mindest thing but I've tried and done just about everything. I'd love to be able to knock her off the pedestal I seem to have her on but these feelings never subside. I always have a lump in my throat thinking about and loads of 'ah jaysus' moments. She was a super girl and of course she had flaws but I did love her warts and all. Someday I hope that I'll be able to look back and this and say what I was thinking about never falling in love again. Since I've known her (over 10 years) I've always felt I could marry her, the picture in my mind without her is so bleak. I just don't know how I'll be able to meet someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I don't compare women to her, I really don't. But to commit in a relationship you have to be truthful. I don't have it in me to hurt another girl.


I know there's plenty of people like me that have made mistakes and got on with life, and made a happy life for themselves. I've read, wrote, talked and listened but it's just always there. I now feel that it's not a matter of getting rid of that feeling, it's coping with and managing it. Felt low in work the past couple of days and had one girl ask me was I in a bad mood. I'm normally upbeat in work and great fun on a night out. I laugh on the outside and laugh on the inside. I'm happy with where I am in life but a part of me aches.

It's been a long and lonely few years. Maybe I have many more ahead of me but I'm gonna do my best to put an end to this ache.

secondchance

Your post gives my shivers it resonates so closely with how I feel

Just a Q, do you live near to this girl/in an area which reminds you of your relationship? I know it sounds drastic but maybe moving would help if you're feeling so bad about things now.

modest_marie

Op those feelings won't go. If you could love someone so much for so long then I don't know if you can ever stop that love. But you learn to accept them, and in time you will find something that makes you feel better.

But what you need are reasons for why your relationship didn't work. If you can't think of many then you have to accept that you decided you needed to be with someone else at that time. You have to accept that it wasn't just stupidity that made you do that, and that you felt for some reason that you weren't sure about your relationship. This is what you need to be honest about, no matter what the reson admit it to yourself and accept it.

And also, do you honestly think you could be with your ex again? after everything? Even after she has been engaged and is building a house with someone else. These are pretty important things to be doing with someone else. Do you honestly think it would be the same as it was before. Do you think you are the same People? Do you honestly think it would work and you or her would never have feelings of doubt?

I think if your ex has requested that you leave her alone, and give her no contact, then it's your call whether you break that or not. You know her better than any of us.

But if she has never requested no contact, and if you perhaps tell your ex how your feel, (if your ex doesn't feel anything for you then it won't matter to her that you contacted her (sorry to say that)). This might give you the closure that you need. On the other hand if she has feelings for you, which may be possible I think. I am guilty of following my head instead of my heart sometimes too. We all are.

It's up to you if you want to risk going back to square one about this Girl. Either way I think it will give you closure. I somehow think we need to go through the pain to become the strong People we are.

You need do decide what your reasons for contacting her would be, to get closure cos you know it will never work, or to get her back.

You seem to be hanging on. Perhaps you are confused as I don't think your ex has ever said she doesn't love you. Although she is engaged to be married to someone else. this is confusing.

The decision is yours. You will be strong enough. If your heart gets broken again then I think you will be strong enough because as you said you really want to be happy.

'The heart afraid of breaking never learns to dance, the dream afraid of waking never takes the chance'.

In my oponion you need to prepare yourself for the worst and take the chance.

LegacyUser

To be honest I don't even know where she's living at the moment. Her home house is about 15 minutes outside the city, and is close to where she will build her house.
I don't know where she socialises or what she does with her spare time. I just hear different things from people. Some even try not to tell me because they know how upset I'll get.
She never asked me to stop contacting her. What she did say was that she did hope I could move on with my life too. There were a couple of times over the past few years she might have texted about a certain song that she liked and saying hello. I always hoped it was a cry for help, that perhaps she might be finished with her boyfriend and might want to give it a go. It never happened. Why should she give me the second chance that I denied her?
To be honest if I did write a letter to her, it would be in the hope that she'd drop everything and come running. I have asked myself could we ever be the same, and would there be doubts. I'm sure there would be, but the love I have for this girl I would do anything to make it work. I know if she gave me a second chance years ago we'd be married now. She just didn't trust me that I truly loved her.
I mean I really did love this girl, just didn't show it when I had the chance. There were numerous times during our relationship that I showed just how much I loved and cared for her.
Loads say to me what really happened between ye. The answer is I made a mistake and have regretted it since. If only i had known I would have said something. I have booked an appointment with a counsellor I spoke to couple of years ago. It's good to talk and hopefully he can help me put things in perspective. My heart and mind is made up that she was the one, that in 50 years time I'll still be kicking myself. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'd love to contact her and tell her how I feel, but I've already said it to her. At the time she said I only think that she's the one. 5 years later I still feel the same way. I'm a hopeless romantic that thinks that there's always a chance we'll be together again. It's time to accept the hard facts that this will never happen. She's happy now and has moved on. I've moved on in loads of other ways but my heart hasn't. It's just full of regret.
I know there's loads reading this saying get a grip man, but I've been trying and failing. For anyone that knows what it feels like to be in love, when your heart skips a beat thinking about the other, well I still get that. Then I'm hit with pangs of guilt and regret. I need to stop blaming myself too for my own sake but I just can't seem to.
I really need to accept it and am hoping that talking to someone will pull me off the road I'm on. I picture myself on a road with my hands in my pockets kicking stones looking over at the other road with her on it which is paved with happiness. I need to look the other way and see happiness and acceptance for myself

OxO-CuBe

I know exactly how you feel. I was (maybe still) in the exact same position as you are. I'm 6 years on and I still find myself pining for my old girlfriend because she was also my best friend and the only one in my life I completely trusted. I couldn't move on because in my mind she was my one and only and no one else even came close. The problem with memories like this is that they are rose tinted. She is perfect in your mind so how can anyone you meet even measure up to the "one and only". This caused me to throw away any chance I have of meeting the next beautiful person.
In fact I ended a relationship with a fantastic girl because she didn’t measure up to my ex. I do regret this but not 1/10 as much as my ex.
So here’s what I learned. I hope it might help you.
I have not seen my ex in years but my feelings for her are still very strong. She was my first love and you never forget that one. But I came to the conclusion that if it was going to work out, it would have. She has moved on and is now in another relationship and probably doesn't even think about you anymore. You are killing yourself about an idea not an actual person so how can you get over an idea? Well for me I realized that it is an idea and it is in my head.
So what to do now that you know that this only a memory. The next time you feel yourself thinking about her, just stop and tell yourself "She doesn't care for me anymore, so why should I care for her. This is self defeating and what I am doing is not good for me". I know that this sounds silly but you are competing with a memory which is an impossible argument to win. You have to stop giving this memory such importance and try to force yourself to move on.
I know getting over someone is difficult but at this stage you should look after yourself, just like you ex did when she moved on after you wouldn't take her back.
I know that this is not the closure that you wanted but life is not like the soap operas. Sometimes there is no closure but you will have to learn to pick yourself back up and get out there. No one wants to be miserable all their life and this is exactly the life you are making for yourself.

I would not recommend writing a letter or contacting her as you will be dragging up all the feelings and emotions that you are trying to get rid of. I my case I threw out everything that reminded me of her. To this day I have not seen her since we broke up and if I did I would probably melt. But taking care of myself is my number one priority. So you will never move on or find someone else until you put your ex where she belongs, in the past. I know this will be hard but you will not be happy with yourself or anyone else until this is done.

So take care of yourself and then you will be able to take care of someone else too. Best of luck as I know exactly how you feel.

OP,
I've been in a similar situation, and this thought got me through.
"If I truly love her, then that means respecting her. If that means respecting her decision to reject me, then so be it. Not respecting her choice is thinking of my needs, not hers."

LegacyUser

OP - can I give you one piece of advice? Do not, under any circumstances contact her. I split up with my boyfriend 5 years ago. I tried the whole "friendship" thing but stopped completley when I realised it was not going to work cos he still loved me. To this day, he still contacts me - texts, birthday cards, facebook friend requests - it's gotten to the point where it is freaking me out and ot me, is verging on stalking.

I ignore all his means of contact as to not enourage him but it never seems to work. He has even gotten threatening and abusive when I've ignored what he deems "just being friendly".

I have had a boyfriend for the past 4 years and thankfully he understands that my ex's constant pestering is not my fault. What is even more bizarre is that my ex KNOWS I have a long term boyfriend! Please get over this and get on with your life because, plain and simple - if she wanted you, she would tell you. She does not want you so please get over it and if you can't get on with your own life, at least let her get on with hers.

petethebrick

To be honest I think you just need to pull yourself together.
You don't need counselling.
You just need to realise that you broke up with her years ago, haven't met someone else since and so are dwelling on the past.

If it was meant to be back then you would have gotten back together.
Now that you hear she's getting married you're thinking that it should have been you etc etc Get over it is my advice.

It's always hard developing the same closeness to someone new after a relationship ends. It can be harder when you are the one who ended the past relationship because you can start to doubt whether you did the right thing.

You'll meet someone eventually who you not only love as much but probably more.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself - at 29 you have the rest of yourlife ahead of you

SarahSassy

petethebrick wrote: »

To be honest I think you just need to pull yourself together.
You don't need counselling.
You just need to realise that you broke up with her years ago, haven't met someone else since and so are dwelling on the past.

If it was meant to be back then you would have gotten back together.
Now that you hear she's getting married you're thinking that it should have been you etc etc Get over it is my advice.

It's always hard developing the same closeness to someone new after a relationship ends. It can be harder when you are the one who ended the past relationship because you can start to doubt whether you did the right thing.

You'll meet someone eventually who you not only love as much but probably more.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself - at 29 you have the rest of yourlife ahead of you

+1

The only person who is hurting here is YOU. She has move on already and you can waste another 5 / 10 or 15 years pining for someone you no longer know or else you can pull yourself up by your shirt collars and move on and make a happy life for yourself. Your choice - wallow or live....

I waste 3 years pining for someone and regret it to this day... I finally gave myself a timeline after which I would not think of him and it worked. Otherwise, I would still be feeling sorry for myself while he moved on and got married...

Over to you....

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies guys. All the points make perfect sense to me. There is no way I would contact her, she is happy now and has moved on. I'm happy with my own life too and in ways I'm sure we are both different people. What bothers me is the circumstances of how I let it happen. No-one expects to meet 'the one' so young in life and I was the same. I just regret how I let her slip away from me. I shouldn't have let it happen.
Last night while out shopping I had to leave the shops and go back to the car. My head was melting thinking about her. I've said to myself so many times that I need to move on and get a grip on myself. 5 years is a long time to be thinking of someone else. I mean she's moved on so why shouldn't I? I just torture myself with regret. I know I deserve to be happy too but inevitably I come back thinking of what we had and how I wish I said something. It's absolute madness what I'm doing and I can see that. I'm thinking about something unattainable.
To be honest I don't think I need to talk to anyone either, but maybe they might say something to stop me doing this to myself. This has to end and it's going to end now I hope.

modest_marie

Good luck alwaysonmymind.

They are all valid points above and you probably don't need to contact her.

Sometimes when you love someone the best thing to do is let them go.

I know it won't be easy.

What's for you won't pass you. Maybe it just wasn't ment to be.

Take care

SarahSassy

Yoou might want to go to a relationship counsellor who might have tips for moving on cos you dont seem to be managing it yourself.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Yoou might want to go to a relationship counsellor who might have tips for moving on cos you dont seem to be managing it yourself.

That's exactly who I went to before and am seeing next week. Head is absolutely spinning.

SarahSassy

alwaysonmymind wrote: »

That's exactly who I went to before and am seeing next week. Head is absolutely spinning.

Brilliant - well done to you.. Best of luck

LegacyUser

I'm reading your story here in tears and can relate 100% to you except that i'm pining for my ex while engaged to someone else.

I went out with a guy 5 years ago who broke my heart when he broke up with me after a year. I was distraught, devastated, embarrassed, and depressed. He broke up because he didn't feel he had affection for me anymore.

A few months after breaking up i met someone else and started seeing him, moreso to try to get my mind off my ex. Four years later i'm now engaged to the new guy but deep down i still pine for my ex. For two years after we broke up, while i was seeing my now fiance, my ex continued to contact me trying to get back together. i was too stubborn and proud to let him back into my life. I was embarrassed in front of my friends that i was this weak to allow someone to do this to me. I worried more what people thought than what i felt. Even as i type this i'm balling my eyes out over my ex. All the time i was going out with my now fiance i was in love with my ex. My fiance is the nicest guy one wud ever meet and i do love him but not in the same way as my ex. My ex is also now going out with someone for the past year.

I am torn and am thinking i should be sectioned for my thoughts. I need help. I need closure from my ex and move on, or i need to know if he holds anything anymore for me and consider what to do then. I think he does still have feelings for me. I'm not an obsessive person and am very laid back in relationships so to be struggling with this now is causing me to be at my wits ends.

I have been in contact with my ex recently for other reasons. Having read suggestions on this post to the OP re not contacting the ex, i have to ask how can you get closure when you dont know the truth?? I am almost convinced that i should i ask him to meet me and me then ask him outright what he thinks of us and me? Or am i jeopardising everything for a fairytale romantic notion that is in my head and will always be there??

I can empathise so much with you. My heart melts but at the same time in my mid 30s i need to live. I think i will always pine for my ex even if i do contact him and he tells me he's moved ona dn is happy in his new relationship. I've spent the last 4 months in particular crying and battling wiht myself over my dilemma while all the time doing nothing. Now should i just grab the bull by the horns and contact my ex for once and for all? I can't keep hurting myself, and i dread hurting my fiance anymore than i should

Moomoo1

I never understood why people choose to be so harsh on themselves. Ok, you have your pride and your friends to consider, but if you cannot live without someone, and that someone wants you, then maybe it's easier to yield than to resist?

LegacyUser

crying wrote: »

I'm reading your story here in tears and can relate 100% to you except that i'm pining for my ex while engaged to someone else.

I went out with a guy 5 years ago who broke my heart when he broke up with me after a year. I was distraught, devastated, embarrassed, and depressed. He broke up because he didn't feel he had affection for me anymore.

A few months after breaking up i met someone else and started seeing him, moreso to try to get my mind off my ex. Four years later i'm now engaged to the new guy but deep down i still pine for my ex. For two years after we broke up, while i was seeing my now fiance, my ex continued to contact me trying to get back together. i was too stubborn and proud to let him back into my life. I was embarrassed in front of my friends that i was this weak to allow someone to do this to me. I worried more what people thought than what i felt. Even as i type this i'm balling my eyes out over my ex. All the time i was going out with my now fiance i was in love with my ex. My fiance is the nicest guy one wud ever meet and i do love him but not in the same way as my ex. My ex is also now going out with someone for the past year.

I am torn and am thinking i should be sectioned for my thoughts. I need help. I need closure from my ex and move on, or i need to know if he holds anything anymore for me and consider what to do then. I think he does still have feelings for me. I'm not an obsessive person and am very laid back in relationships so to be struggling with this now is causing me to be at my wits ends.

I have been in contact with my ex recently for other reasons. Having read suggestions on this post to the OP re not contacting the ex, i have to ask how can you get closure when you dont know the truth?? I am almost convinced that i should i ask him to meet me and me then ask him outright what he thinks of us and me? Or am i jeopardising everything for a fairytale romantic notion that is in my head and will always be there??

I can empathise so much with you. My heart melts but at the same time in my mid 30s i need to live. I think i will always pine for my ex even if i do contact him and he tells me he's moved ona dn is happy in his new relationship. I've spent the last 4 months in particular crying and battling wiht myself over my dilemma while all the time doing nothing. Now should i just grab the bull by the horns and contact my ex for once and for all? I can't keep hurting myself, and i dread hurting my fiance anymore than i should

I'm sorry to feel you are unhappy in your current relationship. I'm sure there are loads of good points in your relationship or otherwise you wouldn't be engaged to him. I'd love to think that if my ex was to know exactly how I feel she'd drop everything and we'd be together. The reality is that will never happen. I know if I showed her this thread she'd probably cry and agree it probably should happened. But it did and I can't change that. Yes there were tears when she was embarking on her new relationship and she did wonder was she doing the right thing. She wouldn't let her heart guide her though and she said that she was afraid she'd always have a doubt would I do the same again. I couldn't convince her otherwise no matter what I said or did and now I feel so empty. I'm not coping well at the moment and couldn't face work today. I just feel absolutely rotten and the thought of my life without her is heart wrenching. I feel the same as I did 5 years ago and it's all becoming too much. I just seem to be giving up inside and everything is falling apart.
If I was to give you advice, what I would say is could you imagine life without your fiance? I mean if you contacted your ex the reality is it could spell the end. Maybe your ex still harbors feelings for you but has moved on and wouldn't risk what he has. The heart is funny and people are different. I hope whatever you choose it works out for you. I just see no end to this hurt, pain and loneliness I'm experiencing. I have no idea how I can be happy in the future with a different girl. If you're not happy with your current fiance I'd suggest talking to him. There's point in hurting him. Who knows maybe thinks will work out for you

SarahSassy

alwaysonmymind wrote: »

I'm not coping well at the moment and couldn't face work today. I just feel absolutely rotten and the thought of my life without her is heart wrenching. I feel the same as I did 5 years ago and it's all becoming too much. I just seem to be giving up inside and everything is falling apart.

You are choosing every day to live like this and to re-experience this misery every day. You are just happy stuck in a rut rather than grabbing yourself by the scruff of the neck and moving on. Its easy to wallow, its not acceptable to be pulling a sickie for this reason and you need to cop on and move on or your life will be wasted. Wise up. She is gone and you need to reclaim your life.

SarahSassy

crying wrote: »

I'm reading your story here in tears and can relate 100% to you except that i'm pining for my ex while engaged to someone else.

I went out with a guy 5 years ago who broke my heart when he broke up with me after a year. I was distraught, devastated, embarrassed, and depressed. He broke up because he didn't feel he had affection for me anymore.

A few months after breaking up i met someone else and started seeing him, moreso to try to get my mind off my ex. Four years later i'm now engaged to the new guy but deep down i still pine for my ex. For two years after we broke up, while i was seeing my now fiance, my ex continued to contact me trying to get back together. i was too stubborn and proud to let him back into my life. I was embarrassed in front of my friends that i was this weak to allow someone to do this to me. I worried more what people thought than what i felt. Even as i type this i'm balling my eyes out over my ex. All the time i was going out with my now fiance i was in love with my ex. My fiance is the nicest guy one wud ever meet and i do love him but not in the same way as my ex. My ex is also now going out with someone for the past year.

I am torn and am thinking i should be sectioned for my thoughts. I need help. I need closure from my ex and move on, or i need to know if he holds anything anymore for me and consider what to do then. I think he does still have feelings for me. I'm not an obsessive person and am very laid back in relationships so to be struggling with this now is causing me to be at my wits ends.

I have been in contact with my ex recently for other reasons. Having read suggestions on this post to the OP re not contacting the ex, i have to ask how can you get closure when you dont know the truth?? I am almost convinced that i should i ask him to meet me and me then ask him outright what he thinks of us and me? Or am i jeopardising everything for a fairytale romantic notion that is in my head and will always be there??

I can empathise so much with you. My heart melts but at the same time in my mid 30s i need to live. I think i will always pine for my ex even if i do contact him and he tells me he's moved ona dn is happy in his new relationship. I've spent the last 4 months in particular crying and battling wiht myself over my dilemma while all the time doing nothing. Now should i just grab the bull by the horns and contact my ex for once and for all? I can't keep hurting myself, and i dread hurting my fiance anymore than i should

You need to free your fiance before you contact your ex, otherwise you are just using your finace as a fall back. Its not fair using him like this given that you 'love' someone else. Let him get the chance to meet someone else who truly loves him.

The 'truth' is that you have promised someone to marry and love and cherish them for the rest of your lives, while in reality you are moping after a relationship long gone. Your engagement is a farce and you are truly disrepecting your fiance by treating him like this. get over yourself and do the right thing for your finace because up to now you are only doing the 'right thing' for yourself.

LegacyUser

Firstly, to the OP, my heart goes out to you too - that's what caused me to type me story in your thread. There's a pain attached to heartache that is definitely like no toher - it eats you up both in your heart and your head. I ahven't eaten or slpet for teh past wk in particular over the torture i'm going through and believe u me i contmeplated taking every day sick for teh past few days to try think about everything without having to put on a face por be interupted. I've gotten myself into a complete mess.I was like ur girlfriend int hat i felt my ex wud always hurt me again like he did the first time when he broke it off. I only know wish i had let me heart rule instead of my stubborn head and given him the second chance. All i know is we can't live a life full of regrets. Maybe i'm not the right person to say this to you given taht i'm looking for advice too, but why not contact you ex again and have a chat with her. One thing i have concluded over the past few days is i either need to know if he holds anything for me or else i need closure. I never got that when we broke up and now its rearing its head again.

Sarah Sassy, i head everything you're saying adn you're right about eveything except one - i didn't go around trying to hurt my fiancee all this time. I hurt myself. I didnt want to face reality or didnt want to face what was under the rug. I didnt want to hurt hima dn his family by any upheavel and nor did i want to do teh same to my own. Instead i festered a emotional monster inside me, which except for teh fact that i'm facing it now, wud probably only surface in 5/10/15 yrs time. Please dont think i'm a cruel or selfish person - i'm just a very confused heartbroken woman who didnt look after herself when she should have

Confused79

I can't believe how much this post has affected me. I am in a similar situation but the complete opposite at the same time. Sorry I'll try to make sense from here on. I went out with a guy for a very long time and we broke up many years ago - basically because we had been together since we were kids and he ended it because he felt like he may have been missing out. I had similar thoughts but I loved him too much to seriously consider ending things. There was nothing at all wrong in the relationship - particularly in hindsight when you've kissed a few frogs since. We were absolute best friends - what I would call soulmates (If I can be cheesy here), thinking of the same things at the same time, rarely argued, same interests and passions. We were just young and too stupid to see what we had I guess. So anyway, it ended and I was completely devastated. I mean COMPLETELY devastated. We tried to stay in touch but it got difficult so we completely cut contact. Couple of years later, I heard he was in a long term relationship, had bought a house, etc and I knew it was pointless to keep thinking of him but I couldn't stop.

I eventually met another guy and fell for him. If I'm honest, it was more physical than anything else and we were both so busy that it wasn't until I changed job and we were living together for a while that I realised that we had nothing at all in common, and also, that he could be extremely verbally abusive and fairly controlling. Not all of the time but too often if you know what I mean. Sometimes I think I went for someone the complete opposite of my ex so I wouldn't end up so hurt again. I just don't know. Anyway, we don't spend time together, he doesn't pay me any attention and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around him. I don't know if I actually love him or I just love the memory of who I thought he was, or maybe I just love who he is when he's being lovely to make up for being horrible to me. That's the only time I see the guy I fell for.

I'm 29 now too. I feel really stuck in a rut but I'm in no position to leave. There are some major issues going on in other areas of my life, which I won't get into but I can't take that step right now.

All the while we've been together I did pine for my ex but put it out of my head as simply a regret I would always carry with me. I justified those feelings by telling myself that he had moved on and probably didn't even remember me now and that its normal to miss your first love, etc. We had so much in common that, even years later, a million things reminded me of him. Next thing I hear that my ex ended it with his current girlfriend, and then he texts me saying that he never got over me and that if I'm with somebody else and don't want to have anything to do with him, that's ok but he just needed to know. He also said that he just needed to apologise for being such an idiot. I was so confused! It was something I had dreamed about and I couldn't believe it had actually happened! I told him I was with someone else but we've stayed in contact. He wants to meet. I've said no because I don't want to meet him behind my boyfriend's back but I would really like to. I have no idea what to do. I think I know what I would like to do, but I am completely trapped by circumstances. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Any advice would be much appreciated about my situation, but OP, what I'm trying to say is, even if she does still have feelings for you, she is not in a position to act on it or maybe even tell you. I don't want to get your hopes up either but sometimes circumstances are a bit*h! If you need to contact her, do that, but don't have any expectations. If you don't try you'll never know and I think its probably better to be rejected than to wonder what if for the rest of your life. The one thing I will say though is, I would never have contacted him and I was glad that he contacted me and that he told me he regretted ending it. It gave me closure on the relationship, if not on my feelings. If your feelings are getting in the way of your daily life, then maybe a counsellor would really help you get past the constant melted head! As a million people have said on this forum, "what's for you won't pass you". Good luck.