Another virginity question...

S_88

Hi,

I know there have been quite a few threads about virginity before so I apologise.

I am a 21 year old female virgin. I have remained celibate for purely moral reasons - I am waiting to find someone I love and feel comfortable enough with to be so intimate with NOT for marriage, as I believe that physical compatability is a huge part of a relationship... I've been called a "romantic" by friends who I've spoken to about this, but I really would like to think that there are guys my age and older who are not waiting to be married, but instead just waiting for the right person. Or maybe this person just does not exist?!

Anyway I suppose, my real question is does anyone have any advice on meeting like-minded people? I am not a religious person at all, so it would be hypocritical for me to join a religious group/society, but today's society doesn't exactly make it easy for me to meet like-minded people... and any time I've kissed a guy it usually ends up in him inviting me back to his place or implying sex and i always come up with some excuse not to. I've also never had a boyfriend, although that's probably clear by now! Now I may just have been unlucky with the guys I've fancied up until this, but I just would like to meet a guy and not have to deal with that awkwardness..

Would appreciate any comments, thanks!

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I was like you-I saw many female friends who had terrible first times with random guys, other girls who slept with boyfriends under duress etc and made a decision when I was a young teenager not to have sex until I was good and ready. I waited until I was 27. I didn't feel the need to have sex until I met someone who understood where I was coming from, not necessarily someone I was madly in love with but someone who could take on board my feelings about sex. I was also very fortunate that by the time I met the man I felt comfortable with I had my own house and I am always grateful that I was able to have sex in my own bed, in my own place where I didn't have to worry about parents finding out or flatmates asking questions, which made the experience very calm and sensuous, not something every girl's first time is.

OP, you will not meet someone in a particular place, but I hope this is helpful. Also, if you are not ready, do not put yourself in a situation where the issue of sex comes up early. After my first year in college I decided not to go home with guys I just met because the situation just got too awkward. Do not rush into it and please be aware that just because others are having sex, it clearly is not right for you. I don't think your decision is necessarily moral, rather, like me you seem to have made a personal decision about one of teh most intimate experiences of your life. I am glad every day I let my feelings guide me and was as self-aware as you seem to be. I think there might be less heartache and agony out there if more people thought about this decision a bit more deeply and just waited instead of rushing into things.
Once again, stick to what is right for you and things will work out as you want them too. Best of luck.

wylo

how long would this potential person have to wait? months ? years? Theres nothing wrong with your decision whatsoever and in fairness at least your guaranteeing yourself that you'll be with someone who really is head over heels crazy about you. But, it could be very insulting to a guy if you were going out with him and you explained to him your waiting for the right person. He probably wouldn't take it too well, not because he wants sex but because he would be thinking "wtf are you even going out with me for so if im not the right person??"

My point is you probably should be willing to have sex with someone if your going to go out with them. Because at least with the no sex before marriage thing its clear cut and a guy might understand that more. But this whole 'waiting for the right guy' will just confuse a fella if your still willing to have sex before marriage if you get me.

S_88

Hi - thanks for such an encouraging response

It just seems so hopeless sometimes and, well, tbh I am quite curious ;)and I'd just love to meet a guy who understands - but I defo think it will be worth the wait...

Also, you're right about it not being a "moral" issue - I think had the wrong understanding of what moral meant but you obviously understood me - you have it down to a T about the personal decision - I just hope there are more about who feel the same!

Moomoo1

wylo wrote: »

how long would this potential person have to wait? months ? years?

generally 2-3 weeks is reasonable, and would go some way towards weeding out guys who are in it for one thing only

OP, I think you've been unlucky so far, as someone who is genuinly interested in you will wait for that time.

S_88

Sorry wylo, I only just read your response. Yes I can see where that may get confusing. I definitely am hoping to have sex with someone if I'm going out with him.
Wrt how long I would want to wait - well as I've never been in a relationship before it's hard to tell.. not too long though - just not after one or two dates, if you get me? I suppose I was just posting out of curiousity to see if there's anyone else who understands... it just seems that guys push for sex really soon and it just makes me feel awkward...

wylo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

generally 2-3 weeks is reasonable, and would go some way towards weeding out guys who are in it for one thing only

thats fair enough, but for the OP it seems that a person could be waiting months and months and still not have a clue what the story is. At least if it was no sex before marriage he'd no why.

LegacyUser

S_88 wrote: »

Sorry wylo, I only just read your response. Yes I can see where that may get confusing. I definitely am hoping to have sex with someone if I'm going out with him.
Wrt how long I would want to wait - well as I've never been in a relationship before it's hard to tell.. not too long though - just not after one or two dates, if you get me? I suppose I was just posting out of curiousity to see if there's anyone else who understands... it just seems that guys push for sex really soon and it just makes me feel awkward...

Hi again,
I find the expectation of sex within a couple of weeks thing fascinating because I don't understand why its necessary to have a dealine within which intercourse needs to have been achieved in order to decide if a relationship is worth pursuing. I'm not moralising I just wonder when sex within a set timeframe became a deal breaker for guys?
OP, hold onto your principles and remember that there are others like us out there-we're not freaks or losers who can't get any (I was a part-time model in college) but rather people who have thought and made a decision about a very important physical action. I find it quite sad that sexual relations are now the foundation people build a relationship on. What about compatibility in other areas and waiting to see how things develop before jumping into the sack? I'm currently in a serious relationship with someone new and sex is a core part of it in terms of closeness and bonding, but I've run miles from guys who seem to think that because it is now expected you'll have sex after date three you're frigid or worse just because you want to take things slow.
Once again OP, hold out for a man who doesn't expect you to open your legs because he bought you dinner a couple of times. You know you're worth more than that and you don't get a second shot at your first time.

Moomoo1

the 2-3 weeks comes from three things imho:

1) if you meet the right person why would you want to wait longer? Women are said to know immediately whether they fancy someone or not, at least before the end of the first date.

2) However, you need time to guess the other person's intentions: are they just after a quick one, or do they genuinely feel it for you. That's why you need to wait.

3) generally it is said that if you don't make the relationship physical after 2-3 weeks, then it would peter out into friendship. I am not saying have sex, but there should be some sort of physical closeness by then.

LegacyUser

there is more than plenty of guys out there which have hat your looking for, i guess you just got to go fishing around a bit and u will eventually find the guy your looking for, not all guys have sex embedded on there mind when with a girl, as long as the other parts of the relationship are good im sure some guys will hold out for quite awhile, i could wait years for it as long as the relationship is going well with good connection and trust etc etc

S_88

Women are said to know immediately whether they fancy someone or not, at least before the end of the first date.

I admit I will know immediately I find a person attractive to look at or not, but this does not mean I want to sleep with them there and then!
And by the end of a first date, I usually know if I would like to see this person again or not, but not, once again, to jump into bed with them the next time I see them... people can be false and not themselves on the first few dates of a relationship. Not that I've had a lot of experience, admittedly, but surely this is a matter of common sense?

I am not saying have sex, but there should be some sort of physical closeness by then.

It's not like I'd be avoiding any physical contact with the person - I just would not be having sex with them straightaway?! I just think a physical relationship can be something that develops... without just going straight to sex...


And SameAsYou - thanks again

Mr Benevolent

OP, you're labouring under a few misapprehensions:

1. The first time you have sex will be wonderful.

Not true in 99% of cases, especially from a woman's perspective. The first time is mostly an exercise in frustration, and most women here will agree. Sex is a skill and frankly requires constant practice and a lot of experimentation. The first time is mostly a mediocre to bad experience, for women anyway.

2. Getting on really really well with someone means the sex will be great.

Again, not always true. Sadly, sexual compatibility is not obvious and can't be infered. It's not even readable after the first time two people have sex.

The problem here is analogous to a learner surfer waiting for her first good wave. If she keeps thinking 'nah, not that one, the next will be better' she'll never get a good wave. If however she takes on sensible waves and builds up her experience she'll have a few bad experiences but will learn from them and avoid them later. Eventually she catches a very good wave and is happy with it.

Let me restate this: You cannot avoid failure in one or two relationships. It happens and you must tolerate and learn from it. Waiting around will not help, in fact it will only delay the learning process. I've been in a relationship that failed unexpectedly and dramatically after a couple of years. I carried those learnings on to my present relationship and I'm pleased to say I'm far better at both sex and relationship management now. If the relationship didn't break down we'dve had kids by now and would hated each other with a vengeance. Great combination.

It's always better to learn quickly in these situations, but you're not allowing yourself to do that as it is. Stop living in a romantic dream world and deal with reality.

Emme

S_88 wrote: »

It's not like I'd be avoiding any physical contact with the person - I just would not be having sex with them straightaway?! I just think a physical relationship can be something that develops... without just going straight to sex...

I think if somebody respects you they will understand where you're coming from. Fair play to you for sticking to your guns so far. A physical relationship can be something that develops and the time it takes to get sexual depends on the two people concerned. Don't feel pressured to give your virginity away just to hang on to someone, if it doesn't feel right don't do it.

redfacedbear

SameAsYou wrote: »

I find the expectation of sex within a couple of weeks thing fascinating because I don't understand why its necessary to have a dealine within which intercourse needs to have been achieved in order to decide if a relationship is worth pursuing. I'm not moralising I just wonder when sex within a set timeframe became a deal breaker for guys?

I would have thought it was quite obvious. For me, sex is an integral (even defining?) part of a romantic relationship. Surely by date three it should be obvious whether there is enough compatibility, attraction and whatever there for the relationship to be a runner or not? If you decide then that it is something worth pursuing then sex would be the logical progression.

In cases like the OPs, of course, one could make allowances up to a point and let things run a little longer (provided that she was actually discussing things with you rather than making excuses and avoiding the issue). There would come a point though where equivocation would sound alarm bells and could indicate that the girl is a headwrecker who doesn't know her own mind, has issues with sex that are going to be a problem in the long run or simply isn't as into you as you are her - at that point I'd be likely to walk away.

OP if all you are meeting are people inviting you home on the first night - I think that you should be upfront and tell them that you don't do that, that you need to be certain that things are going somewhere first. This would be acceptable to most decent fellas and they would be willing to run with it up to a point. If they are not willing to do this then they are not right for you - but there are people out there who would be.

I would also also re-iterate Confab's point that usually you have to get things wrong a few times to truly appreciate when you've gotten it right - don't be afraid to make some mistakes as long as you are willing to learn from them.

LegacyUser

Redfacedbear,
In years gone by, sex was not the dealbreaker it seems to have become. Are we really any better off now that women and men need to hop into the sack to decide if they want a real relationship?

I just find it a little sad that this is how we now judge eachother. Its nothing to do with morals or religion (Im an atheist) and more to do with the standards we have for each other. I have seen so many friends (male and female) with personal and medical problems (STDs, the trauma of prenancy scares, feeling used and abandoned) caused by multiple partners and early sexualisation and think that people should take this issue a bit more seriously than saying that how we measure another's interest is through sex. I think we need to roll back a bit and have more repsect for ourselves and each other. How many threads are here about ONS, unexpected prenancies, STD questions and complaints about a partner's performance? It is the most natural thing in the world to want to do, but, used improperly, causes the most hassle. I admire the OP for sticking to her principles and do not think she should have to explain her decision to anyone-would she be expected to ask a man why he had sex so early, had so many partners and wants it within a month?
OP, you are your own person and don't let people tell you to rush into anything because "that's just how its done nowadays"

Mr Benevolent

sameasyou wrote: »

Redfacedbear,
In years gone by, sex was not the dealbreaker it seems to have become. Are we really any better off now that women and men need to hop into the sack to decide if they want a real relationship?

I just find it a little sad that this is how we now judge eachother. Its nothing to do with morals or religion (Im an atheist) and more to do with the standards we have for each other. I have seen so many friends (male and female) with personal and medical problems (STDs, the trauma of prenancy scares, feeling used and abandoned) caused by multiple partners and early sexualisation and think that people should take this issue a bit more seriously than saying that how we measure another's interest is through sex. I think we need to roll back a bit and have more repsect for ourselves and each other. How many threads are here about ONS, unexpected prenancies, STD questions and complaints about a partner's performance? It is the most natural thing in the world to want to do, but, used improperly, causes the most hassle. I admire the OP for sticking to her principles and do not think she should have to explain her decision to anyone-would she be expected to ask a man why he had sex so early, had so many partners and wants it within a month?
OP, you are your own person and don't let people tell you to rush into anything because "that's just how its done nowadays"

How exactly does the OP's approach prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancy? And how can she judge her partner's performance if she's never had sex?

In years gone by, sex was not the dealbreaker it seems to have become.

It is now the future. We're more liberal and enjoy sex a lot more. Even women enjoy it now. Of course it's a dealbreaker if she doesn't want to have sex after five or ten dates. She's been watching too many chickflicks.

LegacyUser

I do not want to hijack this thread so this is my last post. Just because things are more liberal nowadays does not mean we should lower our standards or those we expect of others. Is it not obvious that the more sexual contact we have, the higher the risk of contracting an STD or unwanted pregnancy is? The OP will not have to worry about this, she can be stress-free that a night of passion left her with negative consequences.
I made a decision which was right for me-the OP has done the same. She doesn't need to hear that "we're so liberal now, we're all at it so you'll be left behind". It has NOTHING to do with chick flicks either-I made my decision because two of my friends got pregnant when we were in school, others had nothing good to recall about their first time other than that it took place, and early sex never seemed to be to anyone's benefit.
My first time was good because it was of a place and time of my chosing and not dictated by society's mores or others' codes of conduct. I can happily say that had I listened to some of the comments here before it happened, I would have thought maybe I should have done it earlier, but I stuck to my principles and have no regrets. It is the most personal decision you'll ever make so why not wait a bit, decide what you want and not let others dictate your norms of behaviour.
OP, I hope I'm not harping on but remember that this is YOUR decision and no-on can guide yuo on it but you. Having said that, I hope my posts have been helpful.

Moomoo1

if someone isn't comfortable with having sex after 5-10 dates, then that's just how it is. And if a guy tries to say 'let's have sex or I am leaving', then maybe his 'feelings' aren't what he claims them to be?

shellyboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

if someone isn't comfortable with having sex after 5-10 dates, then that's just how it is. And if a guy tries to say 'let's have sex or I am leaving', then maybe his 'feelings' aren't what he claims them to be?

There's not enough feelings int the world to entice me to stay in a sexless relationship. For me, someone who was so scared to explore their sexuality openly with me - someone they claim to care about - would not be compatible with me long-term.

It's not about right and wrong in this case, it's about compatibility. Unfortunately for you, OP, you're looking for something that's outside the norm - a man who wants to wait for sex. There aren't many out there, so you're going to have trouble finding one you like.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having standards, but you have to acknowledge that you're limiting your options and be willing to work that bit harder to find someone who's right for you.

Moomoo1

S_88 wrote: »

I admit I will know immediately I find a person attractive to look at or not, but this does not mean I want to sleep with them there and then!
And by the end of a first date, I usually know if I would like to see this person again or not, but not, once again, to jump into bed with them the next time I see them... people can be false and not themselves on the first few dates of a relationship. Not that I've had a lot of experience, admittedly, but surely this is a matter of common sense?

people can be false for a lot longer than the first few dates ;-). But seriously, all this is really about is finding a partner for an LTR. The problem isn't sex or anything else, it's that you haven't been unable to find a partner who you'd be happy with staying for a long time, and who reciprocates. There are plenty of people in the same boat though, both young and old.

If you do find someone like that then maybe you won't feel the need to wait too long. Then again, maybe you will, but as with everything communication is the most imporant things.

Moomoo1

shellyboo wrote: »

It's not about right and wrong in this case, it's about compatibility. Unfortunately for you, OP, you're looking for something that's outside the norm - a man who wants to wait for sex. There aren't many out there, so you're going to have trouble finding one you like.

or alternatively a guy who is sufficiently into you to wait for sex? A guy who shows sufficient understanding of you as a person and of your needs to wait for sex? A guy who is serious enough about the relationship to wait for sex? You can see this both ways you know...

no guy WANTS to wait for sex, but relationships are all about compromises...

shellyboo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

or alternatively a guy who is sufficiently into you to wait for sex? A guy who shows sufficient understanding of you as a person and of your needs to wait for sex? A guy who is serious enough about the relationship to wait for sex? You can see this both ways you know...

no guy WANTS to wait for sex, but relationships are all about compromises...

Some guys do WANT to wait for sex, actually. I've broken up with guys over it. But yeah, if you can find a guy who wants/is prepared to wait for as long as it takes, that'll work. But they are in the minority, that's just fact.


For me though, as a sexual person, someone who has that attitude to sex just means they're not right for me. If the OP is meeting men who want to jump into bed straight away and she doesn't, that doesn't mean he's wrong or she's wrong, it means they're not compatible on a very basic level.

For a lot of people, sex is a basic building block of a relationship and you need to be on the same page with your partner about it - whether that's having it or not having it. It doesn't necessarily mean someone's 'only after one thing' if they want to sleep with someone they fancy after a few dates - it's just a further step in seeing if a relationship would work for a lot of people.

As for relationships being about compromise, that's true - but I wouldn't class myself as being in a relationship with someone until I'd slept with them to be honest. It's an important part of it for me, and I wouldn't commit until I knew we worked well in bed together. The OP needs to be aware that other people share the same opinion as me - she needs to find someone for whom sex is less of a priority.

LegacyUser

S_88 wrote: »

people can be false and not themselves on the first few dates of a relationship. Not that I've had a lot of experience, admittedly, but surely this is a matter of common sense?

Hi OP, I'm afraid that some people can be false for a much longer period than this!! You could wait six months or a year to sleep with someone and then find out that they weren't the person they claimed to be. Personally I wouldn't share your outlook on the world, I've been with a few long-term partners and have slept with all of them. I learnt things along the way, I learnt what to look for and what to avoid. Unfortunately saving yourself for 'the one' is (and this is only my opinion) cutting yourself off from a lot of learning experiences, a lot of fun and and adventure.

I'm not saying be promiscuous but personally I don't see what waiting months and months achieves. We live and learn and just because someone might not turn out to be your life partner doesn't mean that you can't have a lot of fun along the way finding that out!!
Unfortunately 'the one' doesn't exist, it takes a lot of compromise and work to make a long-term relationship last.

I was happy to have met my partner after a few duds with a bit of life experience and a little bit wiser about how I wanted the real deal to go. Also, and this is purely on a practical level, don't expect fireworks on your first time. It's uncomfortable, it hurts, it'll probably be awkward..but it does get better, MUCH better! I'm sure there are a lot of girls let down expecting their first time to be an amazing, life-altering experience. But is simply is not the truth for most of us!

That said, only do what you are comfortable with, all I'm saying is don't watch life pass you by while you wait for perfection.

prinz

Good for you OP, make your own kind of music If it doesn't feel right then don't do it. If you want to date a guy 20 times that's your right. For me I am one of the guys for whom the girl was more important than the sex. I waited no problem. So there are fellas out there for you if that's what you want.

There wouldn't be half or even a third of the problems on the Relationship Issues forum IMO if more people prioritised some things. All this talk of 'you don't really know a person until you sleep with them' is crap.

As for Shelly - just because a person wants to delay or wait for sex, doesn't make them any less of a sexual person. My current OH is the most sexual person I have ever been with.

Moomoo1

shellyboo wrote: »

Some guys do WANT to wait for sex, actually. I've broken up with guys over it. But yeah, if you can find a guy who wants/is prepared to wait for as long as it takes, that'll work. But they are in the minority, that's just fact.


For me though, as a sexual person, someone who has that attitude to sex just means they're not right for me. If the OP is meeting men who want to jump into bed straight away and she doesn't, that doesn't mean he's wrong or she's wrong, it means they're not compatible on a very basic level.

For a lot of people, sex is a basic building block of a relationship and you need to be on the same page with your partner about it - whether that's having it or not having it. It doesn't necessarily mean someone's 'only after one thing' if they want to sleep with someone they fancy after a few dates - it's just a further step in seeing if a relationship would work for a lot of people.

As for relationships being about compromise, that's true - but I wouldn't class myself as being in a relationship with someone until I'd slept with them to be honest. It's an important part of it for me, and I wouldn't commit until I knew we worked well in bed together. The OP needs to be aware that other people share the same opinion as me - she needs to find someone for whom sex is less of a priority.

Possibly, everything depends on your sequence of events. If you date someone, and _then_ fall in love with them, that's one thing, and you would be right to a large extent. If you fall in love, and _then_ date them, then a lot of people would be prepared to give their partner a lot more leeway.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

Good for you OP, make your own kind of music If it doesn't feel right then don't do it. If you want to date a guy 20 times that's your right. For me I am one of the guys for whom the girl was more important than the sex. I waited no problem. So there are fellas out there for you if that's what you want.

There wouldn't be half or even a third of the problems on the Relationship Issues forum IMO if more people prioritised some things. All this talk of 'you don't really know a person until you sleep with them' is crap.

As for Shelly - just because a person wants to delay or wait for sex, doesn't make them any less of a sexual person. My current OH is the most sexual person I have ever been with.

I agree-I think the OP is a lot more mature than those who hop into bed because it seems to have become the norm. As for Shellyboo, I found her contribution patroninsing and unhelpul. As humans we are all sexual beings. You must have a fine relationship Shellyboo-why don't you tell us how jumping into bed before getting to know someone works out? Any girl or guy I know who did this had a string of failed relationships as they were so focused on sex as the means by which to judge someone they missed out on any real connection with anyone in terms of personality and character.
Good on you OP <Snip> you've made a mature decision which should be applauded. Don't let others tell you what to do-paddle your own canoe!!!

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

All this talk of 'you don't really know a person until you sleep with them' is crap.

As for Shelly - just because a person wants to delay or wait for sex, doesn't make them any less of a sexual person. My current OH is the most sexual person I have ever been with.

Nobody said that, prinz - the fact remains that you don't know if you can have amazing sex with someone until you actually have sex with them, unfortunately.

I said, prinz, FOR ME, that someone who wanted to wait would not be the kind of person I would deem myself compatible with. They could be the most sexual person on the planet but that's not much use to me if we're not having sex, is it?

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Possibly, everything depends on your sequence of events. If you date someone, and _then_ fall in love with them, that's one thing, and you would be right to a large extent. If you fall in love, and _then_ date them, then a lot of people would be prepared to give their partner a lot more leeway.

Um... what? Like dating one of your friends, you mean? How can you fall in romantic love with someone without dating them romantically?

Moomoo1

not necessarily friends, maybe people you just come across in life, ones that you 'ask out'. Rather than people you meet on a night out.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Nobody said that, prinz - the fact remains that you don't know if you can have amazing sex with someone until you actually have sex with them, unfortunately.

Sex is very rarely constantly and immediately "amazing" tbh in any relationship. It takes compromise, communication, understanding etc - all things which are greatly enhanced in a relationship where more time is taken to establish these as the basis of the relationship. Then when sex does take place IMO there is a much greater chance of sex attaining "amazing" levels.

shellyboo wrote: »

I said, prinz, FOR ME, that someone who wanted to wait would not be the kind of person I would deem myself compatible with. They could be the most sexual person on the planet but that's not much use to me if we're not having sex, is it?

I'd argue that that's slightly different to what you actually said, you said someone with that "attitude" to sex wouldn't be compatible with you because you're a sexual person, i.e. you're a sexual person and they're not. Which isn't the case at all. Plus no one has said anything about completely sexless relationships. People wait for various reasons. Just because a relationship is sexless for 6 months doesn't mean it will still be sexless after 7 months etc. That argument is like saying a woman who can have kids is of no use to me now because I don't want kids... what happens in the future when you do want kids.. with the same woman?

shellyboo wrote: »

Um... what? Like dating one of your friends, you mean? How can you fall in romantic love with someone without dating them romantically?

You get to know the person first? Before I started going out with my OH I already knew she was someone I wanted to date, and that I knew a relationship could go somewhere. Not necessarily in romantic love, but there was enough of an interest there for me to pursue the relationship and overcome issues which arose later.

LegacyUser

Im a 26 year old female and still waiting. Not for religious reasons. But i have self respect for myself. I have been shy/quite with men until i was 22. I met a few lads and it was the same thing. It was always jump in the sack as soon as possible. If its not that they were drunken opportunities which i never want to be drunk when losing it. I intend on waiting. Not for 'the one', but i don't want to be rushed into it. I think someone mentioned 2-3 weeks. I think that's too soon.

S_88

OP here - very intrigued by the different opinions and enjoying reading them
It is obviously a personal decision and everyone will feel differently towards sex - it is unfortunate for me that I am in a minority, but it is also great to hear that there are others out there.

I think most points made by those against waiting are quite valid. It does all seem to depend on the person's outlook on sex.

However, for now, I'm going to stick to my principles and wait for the opportunity for a relationship with a decent guy who knows me and understands me, rather than rush into it. I've survived three and a half years living away from home in uni without sex - I feel it would be a shame to just give it away now to just anyone. While I do tend to be very influenced by peers etc, this is one decision that I stand firm on. I just needed to hear that I am not wasting my time and that there are others out there who view sex in the same way as I do.

I am not expecting my first time to be an "amazing" experience. I realise it can be painful/uncomfortable for most girls, but I do believe that the better I know the person the more ready and relaxed I will be and this has got to make the experience more enjoyable...

Who knows, once I do decide to have sex, and if it doesn't work out in the long-term, at least I can know I really knew that person and didn't just decide to do it on a whim that I would later regret.... and it will be experience that I can take with me. And perhaps sex may not seem as big a deal to me then, and I'll have plenty of time then to practise...

Zombienosh

Hey OP

Just wanted to say I really agree/admire your standpoint. I think more people should think this way...but sadly yes it is a minority!

Also i think its an unwritten rule that first times are never amazing! lol.

Mr Benevolent

and didn't just decide to do it on a whim that I would later regret..

I said before that you're always going to have at least one crap relationship. Sex and relationships are always based on whims and random notions. The guy you meet will be someone you don't know! It's as if you're trying to use logic to avoid sex/relationships... logic doesn't come into it in any shape or form. Love is completely illogical from a biological perspective. Logic and love/sex are not compatible, in other words.

Oh, and to the poster who keeps waffling about the possibilities of STDs, a person can have an STD (now renamed STI) without ever knowing it (i.e, chlamydia), so anyone the OP meets and gets on with loves etc could have an STI. So it's ridiculous to keep shrieking about it if you don't even realise the reality of what you're saying.

Anyway, this is my last post in this thread as it's going to start circling the plughole soon. Your issue is self induced and based on logic, which I would applaud if not for the tiny issue of logic not applying to your plight. Good luck in your relationships, just don't leave it until you're 47.

prinz

Confab wrote: »

I said before that you're always going to have at least one crap relationship. Convincing yourself otherwise is silly and frankly chickflick movie fantasy.

What does this have to do with the OP? A relationship doesn't have to be perfect and lifelong, the OP may meet her fella, have sex and maybe things don't work out long term, that doesn't mean she'll automatically regret it. I haven't seen her once claim that she's waiting for one perfect relationship for life.

Confab wrote: »

Sex and relationships are always based on whims and random notions. It's as if you're trying to use logic to avoid sex/relationships...

They aren't really though tbh. Well not for some people anyway :rolleyes:

S_88

prinz wrote: »

A relationship doesn't have to be perfect and lifelong, the OP may meet her fella, have sex and maybe things don't work out long term, that doesn't mean she'll automatically regret it. I haven't seen her once claim that she's waiting for one perfect relationship for life.

This is true - thanks for understanding prinz - I think some posters on this are much better at expressing my thoughts and feelings than I am

And just to make clear in case it is not already, I am not necessarily looking for a guy who is also a virgin (although I imagine that could be quite awkward lol )

I definitely am under no illusion that any relationship I get into with will last for life - I am not completely clueless! I just would like my first sexual relationship to be meaningful for me... and I hope that I will find someone soon who understands. I think I have a lot to offer a potential boyfriend - I consider myself friendly, sociable and loyal with a good sense of humour and a lot of goals and aspirations for life... I am quite independent and generally open to compromise in order to help relationships work, and hopefully I will soon find a guy who will appreciate this, without him judging me first for not hastily having sex with him...

And it also does not mean that I particularly enjoy not having sex - I am extremely curious and it's not as if I haven't been tempting to just go for it when I had previous opportunities... (I'll admit I was under the influence for most of my encounters so far - definitely don't want it to be a random blurry drunken thing!)
I am quite an impatient person in other respects, and look forward to actually having a sex life, but I just really want to start with someone who I care about and who shows the same to me - I do not think this is unreasonable...

prinz

S_88 wrote: »

I am quite an impatient person in other respects, and look forward to actually having a sex life, but I just really want to start with someone who I care about and who shows the same to me - I do not think this is unreasonable...

Not in the slightest. Have fun and take care. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be happy in a relationship with a girl who wanted to wait until marriage for sex I would have laughed and told you to pull the other one.Yet here I am never been happier with someone. There are plenty of people who will understand your position, but I would advise you to make it clear early on that it will happen when and if you feel ready, to save you both from later hurt.

P.S. don't expect everyone to understand, you will get a hard time from some people, even 'friends', over this.

S_88

prinz wrote: »

I would advise you to make it clear early on that it will happen when and if you feel ready, to save you both from later hurt.

Thank you for your posts prinz - I am delighted to hear a guy's point of view and I suppose my next issue will be how and when exactly to bring up this issue in a relationship but I will have to find someone first... watch this space... lol

Moomoo1

I think what matters is the intent: no, it doesn't have to last for life, and probably won't, but in the ideal case the two partners should start believing it will last for life. Or at least believing that it would last for a few years.

However, I do think men in a way are victims of the way women have set things up here. There are plenty of nice guys out there who would listen to a woman's feelings and would be happy to compromise... in fact some people even enjoy the anticipation and the appeal of taking things slowly (it's like savouring a delicasy instead of gulping it down)... sadly they are just the type that women invariably pass up for absolute barstewards who only ever think of no. 1. And so even the nice guy thinks 'well, I've got to push for sex, else she'll think I have no backbone etc etc'.

But if someone is really into you, they will wait. Although, as shelly says, it could turn out that you are totally uncompatible in bed and the sex is crap. In that case, bad luck. But I don't see this to be any worse than sleeping with someone for a few times/months and then realising that you have zero in common outside the bedroom.

That said I still stand by my original assertion that if you meet someone you really fancy, and who reciprocates, the clothes will come off after 3 weeks or so.

PS maybe you should think of older guys btw - at 25-26 men are more inclined to think long-term than at 21-22.

LegacyUser

My two cents.

I've played it every which way over the (many) years.

Example no.1: Waited five months before having sex with one guy - who dumped me the next week!! (the chase was obviously enough for him)

Example no. 2: Had a one night stand with a stranger and am now married to him!!

There are no right answers so by all means do whats comfortable. Personally I believe that in a healthy relationship you should WANT to sleep with the person early on and you probably will when you meet someone you really like.

But I don't like this attitude you have that you don't sleep with people because you have 'self-respect.' I've known women who have 70 lovers and have incredible self-respect. (Some people would call it having a great 'appetite for life'). Basing your self-respect on a temporary life-style choice (virginity) thats dependent on other people's relationship to you ('I want it to be special' - remember you can over ever control yourself, not other people) seems like setting yourself up for a fall. To me self-respect should not be that conditional.

Try to live your life bravely. You probably will meet someone soon, but I've known girls who've waited til 30 to have sex as they've hoped for perfection all along only to settle for imperfection. And I'm fairly surely they've had their regrets.

Kipperhell

I must start by saying I don't get people who reach 21 without ever being in a relationship of some sort. It effectively means the only sexual experience they have is with strangers which is entirely different to sexual experience with somebody you trust. To then have a hang up about sex seems inevitable to me. I would personally stay clear of somebody like that as they would be very immature on at least that issue but most likely more.

There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person by any means but there is something wrong with romanticising what that person must be. Many people have sex to get it out of the way which isn't for you OP.

You have to learn the other relationship stuff before sex IMHO, that sounds like the stuff you are missing. The problem is you are in an environment where others are far a head of you. If you meet somebody while out taking a number and meeting up another day is an option rather than going back to somebodies place.

Many people aren't going to be interested in you not because of sex but because of your understanding of it. There are going to be fewer and fewer people with a similar views/situation to yourself as time moves on. If you consider a certain number of people are just a little odd and religious types your selection will be quite small. You could find somebody who has had sex and willing to wait but again that will be a small group due to their understanding.

I can only imagine sex becomes a huge mental thing if you don't get an understanding of it before reaching 20. It is not the most important thing in life but it is a key part of any normal relationship in the western world. Meeting people in night clubs and such is not going to help if looking for a less standard relationship , I would suggest sports clubs and such.

Terodil

Kipperhell wrote: »

I must start by saying I don't get people who reach 21 without ever being in a relationship of some sort.

Why?

Define 'relationships of some sort' please because that's extremely fluffy. If I ignore the 'of some sort' bit and assume that you mean bf/gf, there's absolutely nothing wrong with somebody who just wasn't lucky enough to meet somebody they clicked enough with.

Kipperhell

Terodil wrote: »

Why?

Define 'relationships of some sort' please because that's extremely fluffy. If I ignore the 'of some sort' bit and assume that you mean bf/gf, there's absolutely nothing wrong with somebody who just wasn't lucky enough to meet somebody they clicked enough with.

Ok ignore the fluffy bit then. Seeing somebody for a month and as low as 2 weeks if you meet them most days would be a relationship of some sort. I guess it might be more difficult in low population areas. To not be able to click with somebody at some basic starter level seems strange to me. It basically doesn't fit with my interaction of the world.

You meet somebody and leave things casual and if it progresses then you become more exclusive. The OP is clicking with people according to her own posts but unable to get to the next level and sex seems to be a big thing in her mind.

LegacyUser

Lots of people simply don't meet anyone by 20 or by 25 or older it doesn't mean there's something wrong with them.

OP, you should probably concentrate on meeting the person and not worry about the sex part, if will fall into place. But you also need to take sex off this pedastal. Sex is part of a loving relationship, or even part of a fun adventure. Thats what sex is and what its for. It seems you confuse your virginity with your self-respect and your identity. Your identity is bigger than if you are a virgin or not; abstinence doesn't make you any better or even much different to anyone else. We're all going through the world learning new things regardless of the state of our hymens.

And don't fixate about what the men will think of you or anyone else for being a virgin/not-virgin. Someone either likes you or they don't and your hymen won't make that much difference. Anyway most people start out doing all the non-penetration stuff during their earlier sexually active years or first few dates/weeks/months.

Kipperhell

Mytwocents wrote: »

Lots of people simply don't meet anyone by 20 or by 25 or older it doesn't mean there's something wrong with them.
.

Never said there was something wrong with anybody just stating what is strange to me. The fact is the more out of the norm your experiences are the more strange you will seem to others in the norm. No point denying reality.

Op do what ever you want but recognise sex as an extension of intimacy and focus on the part of meeting somebody you want to be intimate with. You really don't need to focus on it so much.

Terodil

Kipperhell wrote: »

The fact is the more out of the norm your experiences are the more strange you will seem to others in the norm. No point denying reality.

And you think that having relationships that last 2 weeks is a) the norm and b) beneficial to building the character in a way that you won't be found lacking?

Kipperhell

Terodil wrote: »

And you think that having relationships that last 2 weeks is a) the norm and b) beneficial to building the character in a way that you won't be found lacking?

Nowhere near what I was suggesting. That is the start of a relationship and in the area of boyfriend/girlfriend. It is beneficial to be able to start a relationship for character and understanding of what one is. Most people don't go straight into a relationship they have a few tries.

The fact I described where I was coming from should not be an issue in this thread. It was just a caveat to explain where my point of view was based. I think it was relevant to what I was saying. If you have some problem with the advice I have given please feel free to comment for the OPs benefit

Terodil

Kipperhell wrote: »

That is the start of a relationship and in the area of boyfriend/girlfriend. It is beneficial to be able to start a relationship for character and understanding of what one is. Most people don't go straight into a relationship they have a few tries.

I agree with you as far as the ability to form relationships is concerned. Yes, it is essential to build relationships. (Self-referential statements are self-referential.)

But I don't agree that those relationships need to start on bf/gf level. If you are able to (!) form good friendships (again, that does not necessarily mean you have to actually have any), then that will probably be enough to be able to find a partner.

The point is: the OP is not weird or outside of the norm (as you claimed). The fact that she hasn't lost her virginity does not mean she is incapable of forming relationships or vice versa.

Some are lucky, some are not. Some are picky, some are less so. Introducing/reinforcing the idea of norms (as you did) is not helpful.

All we can do to help the OP is to support her, so this topic does not escalate beyond all measure in her head.

OP: You are perfectly within normal 'parameters'. There are a lot of people who are still virgins older than you are, and they are not social wrecks, at all.

S_88

Hi - OP here.

I've been thinking a lot about this since I first posted (was a spur of the moment thing starting a thread really) and I really do find reading all the other comments really helpful... and I've come to the conclusion, as I think was hinted at by someone else on the thread, that my problem is not solely related to sex - it's more the fact that I've never had a relationship. I suppose I've just been thinking a lot lately about the sex part - cos tbh I'm getting a bit impatient!

Sorry if I'm boring anyone here with this but my story basically is I went to an all girls school and I threw myself into studying for the leaving and had no social life as such until I went to uni. I have turned my life around since this and come out of my shell a lot - I am mature in many senses of the word (have been told by various others) but it simply comes down to the fact that I just don't know how to act around boys I fancy and don't know how to move things on. I know a major step would be to practise my flirting skills for one thing anyway

But I seem to go through this stupid cycle of fancying someone for ages, drunkenly telling other friends (both mine and his) about it and then feeling far too ashamed to do anything about it with him himself.... and then I just move on and get over it and to cover it up to the others I put it down to drunkenness and ask them to forget about it.

It's a big confidence thing that I'm just going to have to get over. Because even as I read what I'm writing here I realise how immature I sound and it makes me cringe to read it...

However the odd time I do text a guy I meet out in a club for a few days but the topic of meeting up has never come up in conversation. After the last time (about 4 weeks ago now - we texted sporadically for a week after it, including him texting me at 12am on a wednesday night wondering if I was out, which I wasn't too sure how to read it - could've been a good sign that he was thinking of me when he was out, but also a sign that he was looking for the ride).
Anyway, I've decided that next time, feck it - I'm going to suggest meeting up and not be waiting on him. As I said it's mainly a confidence thing, but as a wise person once said, "Do what you've always done and you'll get what you always got"!
I'm thinking that the next time I'll just suggest meeting up for a drink or something? I'd have nothing to lose since I don't know the fella anyway!
I know a lot of girls would (as one or two female friends advised me to) hint at it to him and try to get him to suggest it but I am not one for mind games as I think they're a waste of time and it is the 21st century... am I right in my thinking here?!

I seem to be worrying far too much about the fact that I would feel awkward if he asked me back to his place on the first date... which is pointless when I haven't even got a date!!

Thanks again for all the helpful opinions

Moomoo1

it's pretty much what I've said all along: your problem is lack of an LTR

yeah, one reason could be that you are not feminine enough. Or you are seen as too 'hard', or too 'forbidding'. But if you really like someone, you should ask them out, and keep in mind that you don't owe them any physical favours :-).

S_88

Moomoo1 wrote: »

it's pretty much what I've said all along: your problem is lack of an LTR

yeah, one reason could be that you are not feminine enough. Or you are seen as too 'hard', or too 'forbidding'. But if you really like someone, you should ask them out, and keep in mind that you don't owe them any physical favours :-).

Thanks
You were right - new to boards and was a bit overwhelmed by the number of replies - was getting bogged down in "who said what"!

I have thought about this before, trying to figure out if I'm unapproachable or something - in the last few months I've invested in better make up and more feminine clothes etc and generally just pampered myself a bit
Now, if I could just pick up a bit of confidence and courage I think I would be well on my way!

I hear there are speed-dating nights for people in their 20's - I'm thinking I might try and get one or two single friends to go with me for the laugh.
Not to expect anything out of it - purely for the craic and the practise
Don't know what the general opinion on speed-dating is?!
And I'm not sure what kind of people to expect to find there but I guess I won't find out if I don't try...

Moomoo1

I'd say you are a bit young for speed-dating. Can't your friends fix you up with someone.

EDIT and it's not just about makeup. In fact, it's mainly about how you carry yourself.