dont interfere

mumto3

I was waiting to pick my daughter up from school yesturday,and had my 2 yr old daughter and 9 yr old son with me.My daughter was having a tantrum because she wanted another packet of smarties(shed just had a pack),and was crying in her buggie.I was pulled in on the path,on the phone to my sister,and not wanting to give in to my daughter and spoil her with all she wants,i was ignoring the crys,knowing she would give up eventualy.
A woman in her late 30's with a new born with her, taped me on the shoulder and asked me what was wrong with my daughter,to which i told her nicely,shes just having a tantrum,theres nothing wrong with her what so ever.She saw i was on the phone,which i think is completly ignorant to begin with,but continued to insist there was something wrong with her,she looks sick,maybe shes cold,with a kind of look on her face as if to say 'what an awfull mother you are',all the time trying to presume that she knew my daughter better then i did.I told her i knew what i was doing,as i have 3 children and am no stranger to the terrible two's.
Its hard enough to get into town to do bits that need to be done,without stuck up bizi bodies trying to be-little complete strangers.My blood is boiling thinking of it,why cant people mind their own,and leave people alone!!!!!!!!!

Khannie

I wouldn't have been as polite as you were to be honest.

silja

Give her a few months and she'll know exactly how it feels....

stovelid

Pretty rude and it was commendable of you not to dish it back.

The only good thing about it is that at least she (and others like her) won't turn their backs in a genuine case where intervention might be required.

CJhaughey

Ah sure she's only starting with a newborn, wait 22+ months and then see how she reacts, she'd probably walk past and give you a smile.

Das Kitty

Was in town shopping for Christmas last year and there was a woman doing her best to get her groceries with a toddler in tow. Baby was throwing a massive tantrum and the mum was doing her best to let her cry it out and not give her attention for it (rightly so IMO). Some biddy strides up to her and starts having a go, accusing her of abuse! The poor mum was dumbfounded, as was I until a man beside me started telling the interfering wagon to mind her own, she stormed off muttering about Social Services...

To be honest I don't think this woman would have had the balls to do it if her "victim" wasn't a young woman on her own, if it was a real case of abuse she would have been too scared. I have a feeling it was her own ears she was worried about more than the child's welfare.

Nevyn

Did you know that upsetting a child or letting a child be upset is tantamount to child abuse :rolleyes:

Das Kitty

Thaedydal wrote: »

Did you know that upsetting a child or letting a child be upset is tantamount to child abuse :rolleyes:

I'm sure I'll get the memo once I give birth!

foxy06

Nothing more irritating than someone interfering like that. Probably has a saint of a newborn and thought she was supernanny. She'll learn!

lalalulu

I don't know how you stayed so calm, mumto3?! I never understand why people especially stranger's think you want to hear their view's on your kids! I also can't understand why people like to give their opinions on everything to do with my child?!! oh your baby is very big for their age, oh she is not walking yet oh i know a baby who can recite the alpfahbet (god i can't spell now my daughter has no chance hehe) and they're only 6 months old!! Get a life nobody care's!!!

Voltex

mmm....have to say that Im glad there are people out there that will look into why a child is distressed.

so the child needed to be taught she cant have all she wants...but thats not the point. the woman saw a child upset and asked could there be something wrong....had only the same questions been asked of Baby P or more recently the child in the UK that died from abuse this week.

We really do need more people to be aware!!!

mumto3

Voltex wrote: »

mmm....have to say that Im glad there are people out there that will look into why a child is distressed.

so the child needed to be taught she cant have all she wants...but thats not the point. the woman saw a child upset and asked could there be something wrong....had only the same questions been asked of Baby P or more recently the child in the UK that died from abuse this week.

We really do need more people to be aware!!!

so the child needed to be taught she cant have all she wants...but thats not the point......yes that is the point!!!the only point.
You can not look at a random mother on the street with a crying child and presum its another baby p situation!My child was not being beaten,slapped or shouted at,she was wearing a heavy winter coat and was clean.
I understand there are plenty of people out there who abuse their children,and an equal amount of people who turn the other cheak at the situation,but all im saying is that unless you want to see a new generation of spoilt brats,let decent parents do it their way and dont make something out of nothing.


To everyone else thank you for the comments its nice to know im not the only one who feels like this.

Voltex

mumto3 wrote: »

so the child needed to be taught she cant have all she wants...but thats not the point......yes that is the point!!!the only point.
You can not look at a random mother on the street with a crying child and presum its another baby p situation!My child was not being beaten,slapped or shouted at,she was wearing a heavy winter coat and was clean.
I understand there are plenty of people out there who abuse their children,and an equal amount of people who turn the other cheak at the situation,but all im saying is that unless you want to see a new generation of spoilt brats,let decent parents do it their way and dont make something out of nothing.


To everyone else thank you for the comments its nice to know im not the only one who feels like this.

...I think your missing my point. The reason your child was crying was as a result of you disciplining your child...thats fine...your business..your doing what you feel is right as a parent.....but my point is what if you werent!

What if you were a person who was abusing their child...inflicting harm on your child?
Surely we should be fostering a culture where like we enhance the care of children by letting people feel free to ask why a child is acting in a distressed manner.
I for one wouldnt take any chances when it comes to children...they are the most innocent and vunerable.

mumto3

Yes Voltex,i understand what you are saying but its not realistic,or acceptable to go around questioning strangers on the street,firstly because its makeing a persumption that every mother is guilty untill proven inocent,secondly because it doesnt take the cleverest of people to recognise the difference between an otherwise contented child and one that is seariously distressed,and thirdly because unless you go around reporting every parent of a crying child to the social sevices,theres really nothing a stranger on a street can do.
I dont know if you have ever experienced being in a public place with a screaming 2yr old?People look at you like you have 2 heads,its bad enough as it is without people passing comments.

sarahlulu

If I were to question everybody with a crying child I would never get anything else done!! The minute you give birth everybody suddenly feels entitled to question your every decision. Drives me up the wall.

carla30

what gives anybody the right to interfere in your business like that?who did she think she was? I dont know how you didnt tell her where 2 go and mind her own business mumto3!!. :mad:

LeoB

Nosey ignorant people as described by the OP sicken me. How did you not tell her to go and find a nice tall cliff with rocks at the bottom.

I hear a lot of parents who spend a lot of time critising how others look after their own kids while their kids are obnoxious. Try looking after a team where you can 4 or 5 of these experts on the sideline.

eviltwin

God love her..she'll know all about it when her baby is the same age!!!

I see kids in floods all the time..unless they are being neglected I dont think anyone has any right to make a comment on it..its none of their bloody business.

Toddlers cry, its how they learn and you have to let the parent handle it in their own way. Cant stand dogooders :mad:

silja

Voltex wrote: »

mmm....have to say that Im glad there are people out there that will look into why a child is distressed.

so the child needed to be taught she cant have all she wants...but thats not the point. the woman saw a child upset and asked could there be something wrong....

I think it is perfectly ok to ask once if the child is ok- even a good thing to do so. But the OP kept getting pestered by this lady when she explained that everything was fine, that is the difference here.

I'll illustrate with my own story. When the twins were little, we lived in a small flat in Dublin. My husband was away for a couple of days when they were 4 months old, and I had a hard time with the kids. They cried a lot, and loudly! Well, because there were two of them tag-teaming crying episodes, which neighbours didn't know, it must have sounded like one child crying all the time. One of the neighbours knocked on my door to check if everything was ok. They got no answer (I didn't hear over the crying), and thought I was out and left a baby. One of the neighbours rang the police while the other had the idea to go downstairs and ring my doorbell. This I heard, answered, and explained that I had twins etc. They were really nice then, offered to go to the shops for me, rang the police back to make sure they wouldn't show up etc.

I was soooo embarassed, but that scenario was not interferring, it was legitimate concern, and I was glad they cared. If they had kept pestering me everytime a twin cried for a few minutes, then it would have been interfering.

ash23

I think the fact that you were on the phone is probably why she said it. I've seen mums with tantruming todders and they might be ignoring the child but they are usually standing beside it, looking mortified lol and you just sort of know it's a tantrum because they are quite deliberatly ignoring the child (arms folded, back to the scraming toddler etc.

I have often just given a sympathetic "I know how you feel" look and smile to a mum in that position to show I wasn't judging.
But I gotta say, if I saw someone on the phone while their child was screaming in the buggy, I wouldn't assume tantrum. I would (rightly or wrongl) "wouldn't the mum get off the phone and see to the child!".

Thats just me. Imo there is a difference between making it obvious you are ignoring the childs tantrum and just igoring the child if that makes sense? They look like 2 very different things and perhaps you feel this woman is out of line but so many people do nothing about parents that aren't coping well. She was friendly and nice and while I do think she was wrong to keep at you when you said it was just a tantrum, I don't think she was wrong to ask was everything alright.

For those who say she hasn't a clue because she has a newborn, well she was waiting at the school gates so odds are she has more than the one. And here you all are giving out about jumping to conclusions!!!


I live in a terraced house and next doors bedroom is adjacent to mine. I hear the baby crying at night and I was worried as I could hear the parents screaming at the child (or each other - they weren't speaking English so I wasn't sure) but it seemed to be letting a roar at the baby. It was a regular occurance and I often heard the mum crying.

I rang the PHN and told her. I couldn't risk that there was something more serious going on. She said she's visit and check it out without mentioning me, just dress it up as routine.

It's horrible to have to weigh up whether to do something or not as you might be wrong and have the wrong idea totally, but seeing the number of abused children going under the radar and depressed mums and dads taking their lives and sometimes the lives of the kids.....the risk of offending someone seems minor in comparison to the risk of letting it go.

mumto3

ash23 wrote: »

I think the fact that you were on the phone is probably why she said it. I've seen mums with tantruming todders and they might be ignoring the child but they are usually standing beside it, looking mortified lol and you just sort of know it's a tantrum because they are quite deliberatly ignoring the child (arms folded, back to the scraming toddler etc.

I have often just given a sympathetic "I know how you feel" look and smile to a mum in that position to show I wasn't judging.
But I gotta say, if I saw someone on the phone while their child was screaming in the buggy, I wouldn't assume tantrum. I would (rightly or wrongl) "wouldn't the mum get off the phone and see to the child!".

Thats just me. Imo there is a difference between making it obvious you are ignoring the childs tantrum and just igoring the child if that makes sense? They look like 2 very different things and perhaps you feel this woman is out of line but so many people do nothing about parents that aren't coping well. She was friendly and nice and while I do think she was wrong to keep at you when you said it was just a tantrum, I don't think she was wrong to ask was everything alright.

For those who say she hasn't a clue because she has a newborn, well she was waiting at the school gates so odds are she has more than the one. And here you all are giving out about jumping to conclusions!!!


I live in a terraced house and next doors bedroom is adjacent to mine. I hear the baby crying at night and I was worried as I could hear the parents screaming at the child (or each other - they weren't speaking English so I wasn't sure) but it seemed to be letting a roar at the baby. It was a regular occurance and I often heard the mum crying.

I rang the PHN and told her. I couldn't risk that there was something more serious going on. She said she's visit and check it out without mentioning me, just dress it up as routine.

It's horrible to have to weigh up whether to do something or not as you might be wrong and have the wrong idea totally, but seeing the number of abused children going under the radar and depressed mums and dads taking their lives and sometimes the lives of the kids.....the risk of offending someone seems minor in comparison to the risk of letting it go.

The point that some of you are missing is that there is a long jump from letting your child cry out her tantrum and being neglectfull.Supernanny herself uses the control crying method.Its perfectly normal.
I forgot to mention that this woman was a good 10 years older then me,and as someone said further up the treath about her situation,i have often found that older mums sometimes tend to think that because im quite young that gives them automatic rights to 'show me how its done'.
i believe that if i had aproached this woman,with her being older then me,she would have probably laughed and rightly so!
I was waiting for my daughter but i was not at the school gates,i was outside brown thomas,walking town to pass time.

I would also like to point out that sometimes a mother does have to ignore her child crying on purpose to pick up the phone,that imo is not neglect!!!!We are human and sometimes need to make/take important calls,although on this particular ocasion i was only on to my sister.

Wantobe

Fair play to you for keeping calm though, I would have been so annoyed I'm sure I would have made a sharp retort. My oldest went through a period of having tantrums too- luckily it didn't last long but what I remember was the sympathetic looks I got from other people ( obviously parents).

Harpic

Obviously none of us were there at the time and the lady seems to have been interfering more than she should of.I am sure her intentions were good albeit a bit ott.

Unfortunately in todays society,we all tend to ignore situations which may conern us but chose to avoid confrontation.
However getting angry with the lady would display the fact that you do not want anyone to interfere,including people trying to help you carry a buggy or bags down steps onto a train bus etc.

'You cant have you cake and eat it'

mumto3

Harpic wrote: »

Obviously none of us were there at the time and the lady seems to have been interfering more than she should of.I am sure her intentions were good albeit a bit ott.

Unfortunately in todays society,we all tend to ignore situations which may conern us but chose to avoid confrontation.
However getting angry with the lady would display the fact that you do not want anyone to interfere,including people trying to help you carry a buggy or bags down steps onto a train bus etc.

'You cant have you cake and eat it'

Harpic,i find that an odd way of looking at it!
There was no 'situation' to ignore,and it did not cocern her!!Im sure had i pulled out another pack of smarties and just givin in,this lady would have still had something to say about that!
I did not get angry at her,as i was taken aback,it was how she made me feel afterwards that triggered anger,and so i got it of my chest here!
Saying that i cant have my cake and eat it too does not make sense,for i did not ask for her help in the first place but i would be interested to know would you apply the same reasoning to a shop keeper?They dont want to get robbed,but they still open their doors every morning!
There is a big difference between helping people and sticking your nose in when its clearly not needed!
I would understand if i looked like i was struggling,or if my child was hysterical,then a kind smile and a bit of advice would be welcomed,but i was not,and she was not and it certainly was not ment as a kind gesture!!

Voltex

Op...the very same sorta thing happened to me today in Debenhams.
My 2nd son of 6 months has a touch of eczema on his cheek and when it flares up it goes bright red....while in the que a lady looking down at him asked was he getting too warm...that he looked very flushed.

I just replyed that he has a touch of eczema blah blah blah.......


But i wasnt offended...I wasnt upset...I was happy at the thought that someone was considering how my child was feeling....was he too warm...could it have cause a major problem...who knows....but the point was what if he was getting too warm?...we all know the dangers of babiys getting too warm...We as parents are not perfect...we just do the best we can and to the best of our knowledge...but when thats not good enough our pride or egos shouldnt interfere with allowing others who may have good advice or intentions to offer them up!

Op..this may sound blunt..but get over yourself...the lady quizzing you was only doing so out of concern and interest in your childs welfare...be grateful of that..cause I sure am!

By the way..Im a father to 2 boys...one is nearly 3...so I know first hand what a 2 year old can be like

carla30

I dont think its very nice to tell mumto3 to get over it. Its no ones business but her own how she deals with her childs tantrum,and if i had been her when that woman went over to her i wouldnt have been so calm. Yes there are a lot of caring and considerate people in this world but there are also nosey interfering ones too.:rolleyes:

lalalulu

I still completely agree with the op. Some of you on here are comparing witnessing or hearing a child crying or being shouted at on a regular basis the same as what happened with the op. This lady walked by the op and saw her child crying. If this lady had witnessed the op shouting or hitting her child it would be completely different. The child was crying, having a tantrum not being slapped or beaten! Surely if this lady has ever been around children even if her newborn is her only child then she would know that children cry and scream if they are not getting their own way. I would never presume a crying child is being abused! I find this interference very disrespectful. How can a stranger comment when they don't know me or my child and so they don't know my child's humour.
Also someone else said a lady commented that her child looked to warm?! I would of told her to f off did she think you were stupid? I don't believe these people say it out of concern either, most are interfering auld biddy's. If you look like a younger mother it's presumed you haven't got a clue and you need a stranger to tell you how to do things the right way. Another poster said she heard a child next door crying and being shouted at, i wouldn't think twice about ringing the phn over this as it was on going not a once off thing. It's completely different to what happened the op.

January

Voltex wrote: »

Op...the very same sorta thing happened to me today in Debenhams.
My 2nd son of 6 months has a touch of eczema on his cheek and when it flares up it goes bright red....while in the que a lady looking down at him asked was he getting too warm...that he looked very flushed.

I just replyed that he has a touch of eczema blah blah blah.......


But i wasnt offended...I wasnt upset...I was happy at the thought that someone was considering how my child was feeling....was he too warm...could it have cause a major problem...who knows....but the point was what if he was getting too warm?...we all know the dangers of babiys getting too warm...We as parents are not perfect...we just do the best we can and to the best of our knowledge...but when thats not good enough our pride or egos shouldnt interfere with allowing others who may have good advice or intentions to offer them up!

Op..this may sound blunt..but get over yourself...the lady quizzing you was only doing so out of concern and interest in your childs welfare...be grateful of that..cause I sure am!

By the way..Im a father to 2 boys...one is nearly 3...so I know first hand what a 2 year old can be like

Yes but when you told the lady that your child had eczema did she keep pestering you with different suggestions? I bet she didn't! That's the difference here. The OP's situation was very different to your own so I don't think you should be telling her to get over herself!

mumto3

voltex,
You are contradicting your self,i completly agree that no parent is perfect,and we do the best we can,so why then,would i let a complete stranger preach to me because she herself obviasly regaurds herself as a perfect parent:)
I am a capible parent and a responsable mother,having had my first child at 16,iv grown up fast and am very proud of the way i raise my children.Which is why i dont apreciate any parent looking down on another.Everyone does it different but as long as your childs safe and happy,its all that matters.There was no reason for this woman to presum she knew better then me,apart from the fact that i was younger then her.Do you think she would have aproached a mother her own age?I doubt it!!!
I understand that their are parents out there that abuse their possition as someone mentioned baby p,but branding every mother with a child crying an abuser or neglecter is like saying all men at a playground are pedos....so not true!!!!!
I think it comes down to manners,if you were raised with them,you will know when to keep opinions in your mind.
As someone said above me,this is not a continual thing,this woman never met me before,didnt know me,and i was not doing anything wrong as regaurds my daughter.
Thanks to all the parents out there who replied to let me know im not the only one who gets anoyed with this kind of thing!!!They are hard work eh?!,but they are certainly worth it:)

Voltex

mumto3 wrote: »

voltex,
You are contradicting your self,i completly agree that no parent is perfect,and we do the best we can,so why then,would i let a complete stranger preach to me because she herself obviasly regaurds herself as a perfect parent:)
I am a capible parent and a responsable mother,having had my first child at 16,iv grown up fast and am very proud of the way i raise my children.Which is why i dont apreciate any parent looking down on another.Everyone does it different but as long as your childs safe and happy,its all that matters.There was no reason for this woman to presum she knew better then me,apart from the fact that i was younger then her.Do you think she would have aproached a mother her own age?I doubt it!!!
I understand that their are parents out there that abuse their possition as someone mentioned baby p,but branding every mother with a child crying an abuser or neglecter is like saying all men at a playground are pedos....so not true!!!!!
I think it comes down to manners,if you were raised with them,you will know when to keep opinions in your mind.
As someone said above me,this is not a continual thing,this woman never met me before,didnt know me,and i was not doing anything wrong as regaurds my daughter.
Thanks to all the parents out there who replied to let me know im not the only one who gets anoyed with this kind of thing!!!They are hard work eh?!,but they are certainly worth it:)

Op...I can see you feel that this womans questioning of your childs condition has struck a nerve with you.
I just dont get why parents feel that the postion they hold as a "parent" is one of total infallability...and that no-one has the right to comment or observe.

As far as my own suitation went....Im certainly not contradicting myself.
Theres no such thing as a perfect parent...but certain distict experiences allow other parents to make vaild contributions...once again in my own case my first son had a neo-natal condition called Pyloric Stenosis which required surgery at 6 weeks..therefore if I met a parent with a child projectile vomiting...Id suggets a quick visit to hospital and request lloking into this condition!
You yourself say you were a young First Time parent...so you would have vaild contributions to make from your own experiences....

Like i said before, people should be encouraged to ask about childrens welafre...not leaving it to chance that every parent is coping and doing well.

sarahlulu

nobody feels they have the right to comment or observe on other aspects of your life, but as soon as you have kids everyone has a right to tell you how you are not doing things correctly.

ash23

I still think that you over reacted OP. I can understand why you were annoyed but I think you just think she was being that way because you are young. I had my daughter at 20 and I used to get really offended when people said things (have you sunscreen on her, shouldn't she be wearing socks etc). I took it far too personally because I felt it was a slur on me when really it wasn't. My daughter is nearly 7 and people still comment on stuff like that. A lot of the time it's not actual "you are abusing your child" sort of concern, it's just conversation, especially from other mums and older women.

I just take it along with the other things they say (like isn't she gorgeous, she's so chatty, lovely eyes etc).

Its just one of those things and I don't think any harm was meant. I think some people are just trying to start up a chat or think they are being helpful.

You'll encounter it and it's up to you as to whether you get upset by it. Personally I prefer to just smile and change the topic but I wouldn't take it personally and get upset by it.

ebmma

I just wanted to point out, OP, that you got offended that that woman was interfering because she assumed you are a young mother and don't know what you are doing. But then you go on and assume she does not know what she is talking about because she has a newborn. Just doesn't add up a bit.

Don't mean to offend, of course.

mumto3

ebmma wrote: »

I just wanted to point out, OP, that you got offended that that woman was interfering because she assumed you are a young mother and don't know what you are doing. But then you go on and assume she does not know what she is talking about because she has a newborn. Just doesn't add up a bit.

Don't mean to offend, of course.

Iv just reread my older posts,and unless iv missed something(which is possible,its early!!),i dont see where i have presumed anything about this woman.
I mentioned she had a newborn with her,yes.I did not even say it was hers,as i dont know this woman!
Although i think if you put a woman with a 9,7 and 2 year old next to a woman with a newborn,regaurdless of age,the woman with the experience probably knows more!!!Not better-just more,because every parent does it their way,and for every great mother out there,theres always an even better one around the corner!!

My point was,and still is that its frustrating,when i can not go into town with my kids,and dicipline them it a unharmfull way without being looked down on.I refuse to let my toddler rule my life when im in public,by trowing a tantrum if she doesnt get sweets,i will continue to go about my bisness,and have every right!!!!!
Lets be honest,theres far too many people doing far worse on the street everyday!!!!!!

Orlaithc9

Something similar happened to me on holiday this year...we were in the Costa Del Sol and my daughter was 9 months at the time...I accidentally got sun cream in her eye as she hates when I put it on her and wriggled and pushed my hands away so it was quite difficult to apply.
She also loves to STUFF her face full when she is eating then munch it around in her mouth spit some out and put it back in again - horrible but she gets lots of joy out of it.
Anyhow we were sitting in a bar during the day as there was an important
football match on my other half wanted to see. My daughter was happily eating a piece of Liga and with the suncream in her eye it had gone a bit red...a group of elderly men and women were sitting close by use and one lady kept drawing everyone elses attention to me daughter and cutting me looks (my other half was glued to the match and completely unaware)

Then the lady shouts out "shes coking shes choking" I double checked my daughter who was happily eating her Liga and nothing was wrong. I assured the lady that she likes to eat that way and there was nothing wrong with her. The lady had kept shouting at me and loads of people were looking over it was so embarrassing. She would not let it go..even though everyone could see that my daughter was prefectly fine.
I thanked her for her concern as ok it might have looked bad with my daughters red eye but she made such a fuss that even the members of her own group were telling her the baby was fine and to sit down.

It was really embarrassing and i justed wished she didnt interfer to start with. I felt undermined as a mother even though I know my baby best.

Woddle

I had a similar situation a year or so again. We don't slap our kids but I sometimes put my hand over theirs and slap my own hand, so it makes the noise, my kids find this or at least they did find it funny.
However one day we were in a shopping centre and my daughter 3 years old at the time had a bit of a tantrum and was crying, I got down to her level and tried to talk calmly to her, no joy so I said stop crying or I'm going to slap you, so I then did my little trick of slapping my own hand (in an attempt to distract her with roars of laughter), my daughter however continued to cry and in the meantime a lady in her 60s? came over to see what was going on and if everything was OK, I was extremely rude to this lady as I knew what was going on but when I got home I put myself in the ladys shoes and it probably looked like I had slapped my child in order to make her stop crying, so I owe that lady a huge apology as concern for a childs well being is better than no concern.

Needless to say I no longer pretend to slap my child in public