Girlfriend broke up with me over my age

LegacyUser

Hey, I really need everyone's help. My girlfriend is 25 and yesterday she found out I am 20 after I had lied and told her im 22. I only lied because I really wanted her to give me a chance and judge me on who I am and not my age. She said she thought that given my age I would simply get bored of her in a few years but honestly I dont think I ever would as I genuinely love her and its nothing to do with how amazing I think she looks or the sex because I think she is one of the most interesting people I have ever met and I could spend hours just listening to her opinions on things. I am so regretful I hurt her like that and I would do anything to get her back but I know that when she finishes things she doesn't turn back. I really want her to give me a chance. Basically she had an ex my age who broke her heart due to his immaturity and she thinks I will do the same. I pleaded with her to just forget my age and make the decision on who I am. I would do anything for the girl I just really want her to give me the chance to prove that I'd always be there for her. I really neeed people's opinions and advice on how I get win her back. I miss her so much I cant lose her over my age.

cosmic

It sounds like she broke up with you because you lied, not because of the age difference. You broke her trust and she's probably really hurt. You need to stop apologising for your age and start apologising for lying to her. Then maybe she might begin to forgive you.

Sorry OP but the last younger guy she went out with broke her heart due to his immaturity and you lied to her from the outset ... I can see why she'd be prejudiced (for want of a better word) against younger partners.

As cosmic said, you're missing the point. Address this point and you might have a chance of winning her back.

LegacyUser

I would do anything to get her back. I lied because I just needed her to give me a chance and I knew that if she found out initially I was 20 it would never happen.

shellyboo

You tricked her, then? She had every right to not want to go out with you because you're too young in the first place, and she has even more right to dump you now that you deceived her.

You made your own bed, OP. You can't always get everything you want. Seems like she has a point - you're too immature for her.

LegacyUser

I don't think its completely unfair to have just wanted her to judge me as a person and not on my age. anyway I am not asking for a discussion on the ethics of what I did as no one here knows how much I care about her I just need advice on how to get her back

soupset3

soupset3 wrote: »

I don't think its completely unfair to have just wanted her to judge me as a person and not on my age. anyway I am not asking for a discussion on the ethics of what I did as no one here knows how much I care about her I just need advice on how to get her back

And the person you presented her was a liar ... I don't see why this is so hard to understand. No-one is judging you and until you see that the real issue here is that you lied, rather than your age, and that she was perfectly within her rights to dump you because of that, you have little chance of winning her back.

LegacyUser

She has told me its solely down to my age. I don't care if I have 'little chance' to win her back I am still going to try everything in my power to do so

dublingal80

sorry dude but my ex lied to me about his age, he said he was 5 years older, not double that. When he told me, i was ok about it (very niave back then) but it was the fact that he lied to me that just made our relationship so difficult. I had told all my friends and my family his age, and then what was i supposed to do when i had to add 5 years on to that. When people did find out they were sooo wary of him. They couldnt understand why he would do that to me and all my family hated him too and we did eventually broke up

Just learn from this and know in your next relationship to be 100% honest

Moomoo1

was it you who posted a few weeks ago about whether you should tell her: did you tell her or did she find out herself? I don't blame you: one cannot expect you to saw the branch you are sitting on.

there's probably not much you can do. If people are prejudiced against your age (just like with ethnicity or class) then that's just how it is, because you cannot change that (about yourself)

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

was it you who posted a few weeks ago about whether you should tell her: did you tell her or did she find out herself? I don't blame you: one cannot expect you to saw the branch you are sitting on.

there's probably not much you can do. If people are prejudiced against your age (just like with ethnicity or class) then that's just how it is, because you cannot change that (about yourself)

Yeah that was me. Life really seems so pointless without her. People are so fake and really when I think about it she is the only thing that I genuinely care about.

dublingal80

id say its the fact he lied moo. She probably told her family that she was seeing a guy and told them about him and told her friends too, and now she has to turn around and say, oh actually he lied to me!?!?

Moomoo1

I think he lied because he knew that he'd stand no chance with her if he hadn't. If he had told her at the beginning the outcome would have been the same.

dublingal80

well lying to her certainly guaranteed for this to happen

Moomoo1

But what did you expect him to do? She probably indicated it to him that she wasn't interested in anyone so young early on. So either he told her then (and wouldn't have got to even go out with her), or he would have told her later on (and would have had her break up with him). What's the difference?

Moomoo1

I really think she is the immature one here.

dublingal80

If he wanted to prove to her that he was mature and wise beyond his years, the last thing he should have done would be lie to her

It just makes him look extremely immature and anyone she told about him, she is now embarrassed to have to tell them that he lied to her.

Relationships cant start out on a lie. If he wants to be with someone he needs to be honest from the start, cos a lie like that will more than likely end in a break up

If he was honest, and was able to show her how mature he was, despite his age, maybe things would be different. Or if she could deal with that, well at least he tried and was being honest and himself

Moomoo1

but if he hadn't lied the relationship wouldn't have started at all?

I think it's immature to judge someone based purely on their age. At the end of the day she's shortchanging herself because of her prejudice.

dublingal80

well thats her opinion if thats what she thinks and how she feels and if she feels someone at 20 is too young for her what can ya do.
She is being honest.

At the end of the day he lied and through experience of having an ex lie to me about his age i know how she feels and i can understand her situation

i just hope the OP now knows not to lie and can be more honest in his relationships in the future

soupset3

soupset3 wrote: »

People are so fake

Ya don't say :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

i just hope the OP now knows not to lie and can be more honest in his relationships in the future

I dont want future relationships I want her back. Why should my age matter I love her and would do anything for her. I am asking for advice to get her back not opinions on the ethics of what I did.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Ya don't say :rolleyes:

I may have lied but I am not fake. I just wanted her to get to know me as a person not an age. Feel so empty without her everything is so pointless

Moomoo1

dublingal80 wrote: »

well thats her opinion if thats what she thinks and how she feels and if she feels someone at 20 is too young for her what can ya do.
She is being honest.

At the end of the day he lied and through experience of having an ex lie to me about his age i know how she feels and i can understand her situation

i just hope the OP now knows not to lie and can be more honest in his relationships in the future

I don't think we'll ever agree on this (and we are not helping the OP here), but I think that with any prejudice - racial, ethnic, ageist, etc - it's ok not to tell if you think that the relationship would never get off the ground if you did tell.

I am sorry for the experiences you have had, but presumably you never gave an indication, at the outset, that you would not go out with him if you knew his real age?

dublingal80

soupset3 wrote: »

Hey, I really need everyone's help. My girlfriend is 25 and yesterday she found out I am 20 after I had lied and told her im 22. I only lied because I really wanted her to give me a chance and judge me on who I am and not my age. She said she thought that given my age I would simply get bored of her in a few years but honestly I dont think I ever would as I genuinely love her and its nothing to do with how amazing I think she looks or the sex because I think she is one of the most interesting people I have ever met and I could spend hours just listening to her opinions on things. I am so regretful I hurt her like that and I would do anything to get her back but I know that when she finishes things she doesn't turn back. I really want her to give me a chance. Basically she had an ex my age who broke her heart due to his immaturity and she thinks I will do the same. I pleaded with her to just forget my age and make the decision on who I am. I would do anything for the girl I just really want her to give me the chance to prove that I'd always be there for her. I really neeed people's opinions and advice on how I get win her back. I miss her so much I cant lose her over my age.

well you started out on the wrong foot by showing your immaturity to her by lying to her about your age.

Honestly i dont know if you will be able to get her back. Give her a week or so to clear her head and then call her, dont text or email or anything, pick up the phone and call her and say to her you want to meet her. If she agrees to that, be as honest and open as possible. If she doesnt, unfortunately there isnt anything else you can do

dublingal80

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't think we'll ever agree on this (and we are not helping the OP here), but I think that with any prejudice - racial, ethnic, ageist, etc - it's ok not to tell if you think that the relationship would never get off the ground if you did tell.

I am sorry for the experiences you have had, but presumably you never gave an indication, at the outset, that you would not go out with him if you knew his real age?

yeah i think we should agree to disagree
For me, i adored my ex at the time. Had no clue what age he was and honestly didnt care. it just got so messy tho when i did find out his age, trying to keep up the lie to my parents and siblings, because if they knew he had lied to me, they would have hated him, and i didnt want them to, but then they found out and with that, and how he was treating me, they hated him anyway. Long story!

but now my oh is 3 years younger and perfect for me! I told someone the night i met him that i would never be with someone younger than me, i always liked older men, but my usual type wasnt working for me so i tried something new

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

well you started out on the wrong foot by showing your immaturity to her by lying to her about your age.

Honestly i dont know if you will be able to get her back. Give her a week or so to clear her head and then call her, dont text or email or anything, pick up the phone and call her and say to her you want to meet her. If she agrees to that, be as honest and open as possible. If she doesnt, unfortunately there isnt anything else you can do

Should I really wait a week? Why not ring her this afternoon?

LegacyUser

Does anyone know what I could do to get her back?

LegacyUser

The problem is she thinks I'll tire of her in a few years and she doesnt want to take that risk if it helps

Wibbs was wondering if you had any advice?

Monkey61

Okay, I don't think lying about your age is the worst thing in the world. I am your girlfriend's age OP and my girlfriend is 6 years younger than me. Had she lied about her age at the start and suddenly revealed it, I certainly wouldn't have broken up with her! I probably would have been shocked, seen the funny side and then been quite flattered that she went to all that effort because she really wanted me to give her a chance.

I know that lying is a major deal breaker for some - but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that was the worst lie in the world. It doesn't even come close.

There are a few possibilities here OP, firstly - she isn't that into you at all and is just using that as an excuse. In my opinion, if she really liked you she would never break up with you for such a stupid reason. Especially since 22 and 20 - not really much difference there. I could maybe understand if you suddenly revealed you were under 18 perhaps.

Secondly - she is just one of those people who doesn't like to take risks and chances in relationships. The kind of person who thinks "Oh I'm really mad into him, but the chance that I may get hurt in a couple of years time isn't worth the few years of happiness first so let's break up now." In my experience with people who think like that, there is very little you can do that will change their minds. They are determined to avoid risk, make unshakeable decisions and stick to them.

Can you get her back? Probably not by the sounds of things. If you want to try though, you have to realise that it is not going to happen right away. She doesn't want to be with you now and there is nothing that you can say or do that will magically make her change her mind. DO NOT CALL HER. Or text her or email or pester her in any way. It will seem needy and will not be attractive. A week? I'd say wait a month, maybe 3 months. Let her miss you. Let her wonder what you are doing. Running after her will just send her running in the opposite direction and it will make you look young and childish which is the last thing you want here. You need to give her space.

Get on with your life. Improve yourself and make yourself happy. Then a couple of months or so down the line if you resume contact and meet up you will have loads of news, exciting stories and generally seem more desirable.

Honestly I know it is tough and I know that you just want to contact her, but right now I promise you that it will do no good. I was in your position before and I decided to give it exactly 3 months before resuming contact. It was tough but I waited it out. Then we met up but it was still too soon so I gave it a few more months of very occasional texts. Then she started texting me. Then she started inviting me to hang out etc. This took almost a year though.

So keep the chin up and put the phone down!

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

Okay, I don't think lying about your age is the worst thing in the world. I am your girlfriend's age OP and my girlfriend is 6 years younger than me. Had she lied about her age at the start and suddenly revealed it, I certainly wouldn't have broken up with her! I probably would have been shocked, seen the funny side and then been quite flattered that she went to all that effort because she really wanted me to give her a chance.

I know that lying is a major deal breaker for some - but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that was the worst lie in the world. It doesn't even come close.

There are a few possibilities here OP, firstly - she isn't that into you at all and is just using that as an excuse. In my opinion, if she really liked you she would never break up with you for such a stupid reason. Especially since 22 and 20 - not really much difference there. I could maybe understand if you suddenly revealed you were under 18 perhaps.

Secondly - she is just one of those people who doesn't like to take risks and chances in relationships. The kind of person who thinks "Oh I'm really mad into him, but the chance that I may get hurt in a couple of years time isn't worth the few years of happiness first so let's break up now." In my experience with people who think like that, there is very little you can do that will change their minds. They are determined to avoid risk, make unshakeable decisions and stick to them.

Can you get her back? Probably not by the sounds of things. If you want to try though, you have to realise that it is not going to happen right away. She doesn't want to be with you now and there is nothing that you can say or do that will magically make her change her mind. DO NOT CALL HER. Or text her or email or pester her in any way. It will seem needy and will not be attractive. A week? I'd say wait a month, maybe 3 months. Let her miss you. Let her wonder what you are doing. Running after her will just send her running in the opposite direction and it will make you look young and childish which is the last thing you want here. You need to give her space.

Get on with your life. Improve yourself and make yourself happy. Then a couple of months or so down the line if you resume contact and meet up you will have loads of news, exciting stories and generally seem more desirable.

Honestly I know it is tough and I know that you just want to contact her, but right now I promise you that it will do no good. I was in your position before and I decided to give it exactly 3 months before resuming contact. It was tough but I waited it out. Then we met up but it was still to soon so I gave it a few more months of very occasional texts. Then she started texting me. Then she started inviting me to hang out etc. This took almost a year though.

So keep the chin up and put the phone down!

Thank you so much for your advice, I will be following it.

LegacyUser

Im with moo on this ,I think the OP was in a difficult position and that the lady was hasty if not downright prejudiced...Good luck with the 'reconquest' OP -hope she's worth it.