Girlfriend is pregnant, wants an abortion

LegacyUser

I’m 24, my girlfriend is 28… been together for about a year and a half (and known each other for about 2), living together and moved countries – both very happy and without problems.

We’ve been blessed in many ways (her words), often discussed getting married, having kids in the next 2-3 years - I always realised it might be a bit sooner than ideal for me since she’s older, but then that’s part of life.

She discovered she was pregnant about ten days ago. I had realised it a little before she did, (we were on holidays so her late period could have been the travel, jetlag etc) and thought while it was a bit early, it was sweet news. I didn’t dread it or feel any desire to run for the hills. She has a reasonably stable job (for 3 years at least) and I am reasonably confident at my own prospects (we’re not in Ireland).

However, and to my surprise, her reaction was one of shock and disappointment, and abortion: she doesn’t want to me a mom now, too early, isn’t the right time for her/us, is scared of the pregnancy, wants to focus on her job (it is true she has exams for another job in the next weeks but I don’t see having an abortion helping her succeed at those) and in short, wants to wait two or three years for when we might be ‘bored in our lives and looking for a new challenge’.

The discussion for her quickly went from to have it / not to have it, to what kind of abortion to have.

I don’t think I had a particular problem with abortion until I came face to face with this. The very thought of it makes me sick. It’s not like we’re 16, or even 20 just graduated from university. Also, we had an abortion discussion a year ago or so and she said she didn’t think she could have one - now faced with the question, although we are closer than ever before, I feel the goalposts have been moved.

We have jobs, we’re mature enough to be parents, we want to have kids anyway in two or three years, there would be four very happy grandparents, she is in a job which will actually pay her a child/family allowance and so on… so is wanting this to be over and not wanting to be a parent right now enough reason to have an abortion?

Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree, but I think of the opposite scenario. The girl says ‘it might not be the ideal time but I’m happy’ and the guy says he doesn’t want to be a parent, too early etc. I think most people would tell the guy to grow up. Why not the other way around?

Finally, how do I genuinely support an abortion that I feel is wrong? Just reading about it goes a long way towards making me sick, not a mind imagining myself in the clinic. She has scheduled the appointment, and wants to schedule an earlier one.

Bottle_of_Smoke

confusedboyfr wrote: »

Finally, how do I genuinely support an abortion that I feel is wrong? Just reading about it goes a long way towards making me sick, not a mind imagining myself in the clinic. She has scheduled the appointment, and wants to schedule an earlier one.

Well I wouldn't. You can't just stick by someone no matter what they do. Sounds to me like you really want this child. She wants to kill it - do you really think you're going to get over that and the relationship will continue on as normal? I don't think I could deal with that.

The risks of complications will go up the older she gets. Anyone who has an abortion also has an increased risk of being infertile in the future. How would you feel in four years if it turned out she couldn't have kids because of the abortion?

It also seems quite an odd response. She's not going to be any more stable in a few years. Maybe she doesn't actually want to ever have kids or the child isn't yours.

Think about whether you'll stay together if she has a termination and be honest with her about that decision.

G-Money

I'm not sure how to advise you here. All I can say is that if you's both aren't on the same page about whatever you's ultimately decide, it could end in disaster.

It could be that she's just a bit freaked out by it all as it's unexpected. How did it happen anyway? Were you not using protection?

You are right in that the situation is reversed from what it usually is. A friend of mine who is married has said his wife is starting to make noises about having a baby. He said to me "once she decides though, that's it". I told him he has a say in the matter too but it's ultimately the woman's decision I guess either way. Although I can see how that's unfair from the guys point of view in that he sort of has to go along with whatever the woman wants.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

well you got to let her know how you feel about it exactly.and if you dont support her having an abortion then dont, no reason why you should havto change how you feel about it. if you really want to keep the child then you got to talk to her about it or send her to a specialist or something to put it in perspective, putting it up for adoption would b the most sensible option if she really doesnt want it, at least give it the right to a life... but i suppose everyone has there opinions on abortion.but once the baby is born or close to the time its due her mindset might change completly about it and she might want to keep it,i have a 2 year old daughter now, which at the time it was concieved i guess we wanted one, but had some minor regrets throughout the pregnancy as we were only 22 at the time and not in the greatest of financial status, but they really arent as expensive as some people think, at the beginning they can be, buggie,crib,formula(espically) so damn expensive but once there off that it costs nothing to raise them really, but just taslk to her about the many perks of parenthood, and remind her theres no need to rush into a decision about it, she has 9 months, having an abortion is just as bad at any stage of pregnancy. but it could be a decisioin shell have hanging over her head forever and nobody wants to live with that kind of regret if she chooses to regret it in the fututre , anyways good luck with whatever happens

ash23

If I were you, I would tell her you don't agree, tell her you would support her and the baby and encourage her to take some time before making any decisions.

At the end of the day though, the decision is hers. You can't fight her on it, nor can you tell her to grow up and accept it. You are in the unfortunate position of being able to do sfa about it.

So, the decision about the abortion is hers. The decision as to what you do if she does have an abortion is yours. Only you can decide that.

metrovelvet

Its still the shock talking. The shock will be talking for at least the next 6 weeks.

Bottle_of_Smoke

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its still the shock talking. The shock will be talking for at least the next 6 weeks.

That's a good point, and I don't have any experience here. Do you have any suggestions as to how the OP can get the mother to realise this and put the abortion off for at least the next few weeks?

metrovelvet

I wish I did. Its a terrifying time. But she has a lot going for her. She has someone who wants to be there for her. She has family. Money isnt a problem. I think if the boyfriend says anything she will hear it as pressure. She needs to talk and listen to others.

I find it disturbing however that she wants to wait for a time when they are bored in their lives and need a challenge. Of all the reasons I've heard for having a child, that one takes the cake.

Ultimately it is her choice and there isn't much he can do about it [im not pro choice btw but that is how it is].

I think he could ask her to take some time and not make a rash decision. But the later you leave it the harder it gets. You really don't have that much time.

I also think OP should seek counselling on his own.

Nevyn

Depending on the type of abortion advailible where she is she could have to wait until she is 6 weeks past when her period was due to there may be time yet to figure out what you want to do and how you both feel about it.

LegacyUser

i was in a slightly similar position just recently, but abortion was only a thoguht because the medication i was on had a high risk of fetal abnormality or fetal death. It was an accident that we did get pregnant, condom broke, morning after pill didnt work so when i found out i was in complete shock and so so so upset, but i have just had a miscarriage so i guess it was meant to be

its easy to say that you would or wouldnt have an abortion when you arent in the situation, but when you get pregnant unexpectantly it really throws things up in the air and is such a scary thing if you dont feel you are ready.
if i was you i would give your girlfriend just a couple of days space to herself, so she can think things over by herself, or maybe suggest her talking to a closse friend who can give her objective opinions on all of this

its a very difficult time you are both going through. try get her to talk to a friend, give her a couple of days space and then sit down and see where her head is at.

good luck

LegacyUser

OP im in exactly the same postion as you and your girlfriend, were early 20s, and im shocked, ive done id say 6 tests just incase, one minute im ready for motherhood the next im just a scared little girl, i cant handle whats going on inside me, its way too daunting, if she isnt ready she isnt ready, and at the end of the day you can have all the people money and help in the wold, but this little baby is coming into the world,and her body will go through 9mths of serious changes, you can have all the people in the room and feel like the lonliest person!

We have booked ourselves in to see a crisis prgnancy counseller, you might want to check this out, i do want an abortion, he doesnt, and i have to accept that he has feelings here too, and if i dont acknowledge this, then im risking our relationship, and whatever decision we decide on, then we need to support each other as its us thats going through this

I suggest going to a doc or counseller both with open minds and trying to make a decision!

Good Luck OP!

buckieburd

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The risks of complications will go up the older she gets. Anyone who has an abortion also has an increased risk of being infertile in the future. How would you feel in four years if it turned out she couldn't have kids because of the abortion?

That's a ridiculous statement to make, do you have any facts to back that up?

OP talk to your girlfriend, tell her how you feel and talk through any fears she may have, ask her if she can delay her appointment for a week or so to get things straight in her head.

ash23

I agree that you should try and get her to wait a week or so. But don't spend this week talking about babies and how wonderful it will all be. Don't try and guilt her into having it. Tell you you will be there for her, you'd prefer to have the child but you know that the decision is hers. Talk to an impartial crisis pregnancy advisor (not one with a hidden agenda) and generally just give her space to get her head around things and decide what she wants.

hollis12

buckieburd wrote: »

That's a ridiculous statement to make, do you have any facts to back that up?

OP talk to your girlfriend, tell her how you feel and talk through any fears she may have, ask her if she can delay her appointment for a week or so to get things straight in her head.

well actually no abortion can increase infertility, how does this seem strange bearing in mind a healthy function of the body is artificially removed, it takes time for the body to readjust to the shock.

but yes op talk to your girlfriend let her get all her feelings about the situation out in the open but support is not conditional, if you want the child and she wants to kill it you cant possibly support the decision

SarahSassy

Has she taken any account of how the abortion of your baby may affect you or is it all about her?

miec

how do I genuinely support an abortion that I feel is wrong? Just reading about it goes a long way towards making me sick, not a mind imagining myself in the clinic. She has scheduled the appointment, and wants to schedule an earlier one.

Hi Op

I am so sorry to hear about your dilmemma, but as to the above question, you cannot support her if she goes ahead with it. It is an awkward one because at the end of the day if she insists on the abortion then she will have it and there is little you can do.

I knew a couple who were in the same situation as yourself, she was older, steady job, so did he, but she did not want it and had an abortion, before this he was cracked about her, afterwards he was very bitter about it and even though they stayed together the relationship changed. The thing is your relationship will change either way, whether its a baby or an abortion, but your girlfriend needs to know how you feel and you will have to tell her that you are unable to support her in it, that it is a choice she has to face alone. I only hope that if she waits a few more weeks maybe she might change her mind.

I can assure you though that having a baby does not mean your life ends, I was a single parent for many years and during that time put myself through college and had a full life, just that it was different.

LegacyUser

buckieburd wrote: »

That's a ridiculous statement to make, do you have any facts to back that up?

OP talk to your girlfriend, tell her how you feel and talk through any fears she may have, ask her if she can delay her appointment for a week or so to get things straight in her head.

I love the way you slate "Bottle of Smoke" when it is fact that abortion can damage fertility.

then go on to say delay her appointment for another week, she's not getting her bloody teeth pulled. So you advice would be let this poor baby develop further before you kill it.



OP - I have to say good on you you sound very mature and have a lot of character for a guy your age.

can i be frank

yes abortion can damage fertility, the things is theres such a big controversy around abortion that when people say things like it can damage fertility some people get so defensive and say how dare you say that abortion is bad when in reality were only stating that it can damage fertility. im for drinking but i dont jump down peoples throats when they tell me its bad for me!

op you do sound quite mature so fair play to you, i hope things go right for you i would talk with your gf as much as you can about the issues, but yes i think if she aborts you have no obligation to support her, if my gf aborted id leave her, and yes i know its her choice but then again its my choice to support her or not.

philologos

OP: As others have said. I'd say let her know how much you feel about this child, and about your position concerning abortion. Let her know that this is also your son or daughter. I think that's only fair and reasonable.

herya

hollis12 wrote: »

well actually no abortion can increase infertility, how does this seem strange bearing in mind a healthy function of the body is artificially removed, it takes time for the body to readjust to the shock.

First of all supervised pharmaceutical abortion is much less risky than surgical abortion and surgical abortion is again less risky than going through pregnancy and childbirth. Complications are mostly due to illegal procedures and ignorant attempts.

OP, there's not much you can do apart from talking to her. You can't force her to continue with the pregnancy but you can try to convince her. Fair play to you for being there for the potential baby, you come across as very mature. Ultimately it is her decision though. She might not be aware that there are possible consequences to your relationship if she goes ahead with this. I think as a father you have the right to have several serious conversations with her, please use it.

BumbleB

I heard this kind of scenario loads of times before.

She'll come around ,Trust me. Like everybody said it's shock ,hormones and fear talking . Everything will work out.

LegacyUser

boatboat wrote: »

and remind her theres no need to rush into a decision about it, she has 9 months, having an abortion is just as bad at any stage of pregnancy.

Um I'm surprised noone else has picked up on this. That's not true for several reasons. you can only have an abortion up to a certain num of weeks gestation depending on the country. I tihnk the limit is 24 weeks in UK, althou that may have come down. Second an abortion is of course more traumatic the further into a pregnancy you get. the uterine contents have to be delivered after all.


Ok OP. for what its worth OP I'm male and was once a faced with crisis pregnancy. A little different thou since i wasn't the only candidate for fatherhood but i wanted to be responsible. but i was told - if its urs i'm aborting it which was horrific for various reasons (and actually i didn't believe she would do it). Turned out it wasn't mine. phew. but i did learn a few things out of the whole experience.

First point of consideration. Do you think she would be ok emotionally if she had an abortion ? i mean in my situation - absolutely not it would have destroyed her. i had not doubt about that. but people are different. but it did have bearing on how i acted. its not a thought to dictate your actions but certainly something to conisder. on the flip side you should consdier if she has a child out of guilt or pressure or so forth, will that mess her up or **** up relationship with the child. Again points to think about.

Apart from that. This is a time for clarity and honesty. you can't tell her you're ok with her having an abortion if you are not - it will never sit right with you or between you afterwards if you don't air your opinion. you need to have a think about what exactly you want to say. you need to leave guilt, coersion, persuasion and all that crap out of it I reckno (i could be wrong thou - i think logical argument is ok thou to a point thou, just no emotional blackmail stuff). the reason i say that is again to avoid future recriminations. the situation demands straight-forward honesty and openess. once you know what exactly you want to say you need to sit her down and say look this is how i feel please listen to what i have to say and then tell me how you feel afterwards.

Finally i think you need to realise that ultimately the decisons will be hers - thats just biology i'm afraid. but the objective is not to make her choose one thing or another. nor is the objective even to agree - although that would be preferable. the objective is to express your feelings clearly, her to express hers clearly, for each of you to listen to the other, before any decisions are finally made, so that in the aftermath whatever that may be, there won't be any recriminations, there won't be any i told you so's, there won't be any 'you didn't listen to me's

wandatowell

Have been through the exact same situation myself very recently. All I can say is ye have to do whats best for the both of ye at this time. There's no right or wrong option here.

davyjose

SarahSassy wrote: »

Has she taken any account of how the abortion of your baby may affect you or is it all about her?

This is a very valid point. If someone was threatening to put paid to MY child, without asking how I felt, or even being very, very delicate about how I felt, I would consider that person to have little or no respect for me.

OS119

SarahSassy wrote: »

Has she taken any account of how the abortion of your baby may affect you or is it all about her?

perhaps, in the moment of clarity with which she is faced about what paths her life could take depending on what course of action she chooses, and knowing that whatever the bloke says or does, its going to be her life that faces the greatest and most irreversable changes, she's decided that her views matter more than his?

they've had the conversation, he's said 'i'd like us to have this baby', she's said, 'i understand, but no'. she took his views into account, and decided against them.

its the downside of men not having wombs - we don't get to make the final decision because we aren't the ones carrying the can.

SarahSassy

Well I know for sure, if it were me, I would be taking my long term partners strong views into full account. It may be my body but he is every entitled to have a child. The option is always there for him to raise the child alone if she doesnt want it but I think its the height of cruelty to abort a baby when one person strongly wants it.

davyjose

OS119 wrote: »

perhaps, in the moment of clarity with which she is faced about what paths her life could take depending on what course of action she chooses, and knowing that whatever the bloke says or does, its going to be her life that faces the greatest and most irreversable changes, she's decided that her views matter more than his?

they've had the conversation, he's said 'i'd like us to have this baby', she's said, 'i understand, but no'. she took his views into account, and decided against them.

its the downside of men not having wombs - we don't get to make the final decision because we aren't the ones carrying the can.

If my girlfiend was pregnant and wanted an abortion, I would simply ask her to go through with it and let me raise it.

Inconvenient?
Her body?

Try being the living, conscious fetus.

I'm not some pro-life goon. I believe in abortion, under some circumstances. But "I don't want to get fat", or "It's too hard on my body" or "I don't want to curb my disposable income", are not those circumstances, IMO. Put simply, this kid -- this awesome, cool, kid, who is probably the best person you know, when you think about it --deserves a life.

Nevyn

This is a very sensative topic can we be careful about what language is used and not condeming people, please keep posts on topic and helpful to the op.

ash23

I think when faced with a crisis pregnancy, the issue of getting fat, having less money or it being hard on the body aren't the issues.
From experience, the pregnancy wasn't what I was struggling with. It was the responsibility and huge huge life changing issues that I didn't feel ready for at that time.

There is no easy answer to give here. I see the OPs side but I also see his OHs side, They had agreed that children would follow in a few years. Clearly his OH is not in a place where she wants a child. And while his feelings are important, hers basically overide his in this instance.

I do think she should take at least a week or two to really think things through but if, at that point she still doesn't want the pregnancy, then it is ultimately her choice and hers alone.

WesternNight

metrovelvet wrote: »

I find it disturbing however that she wants to wait for a time when they are bored in their lives and need a challenge. Of all the reasons I've heard for having a child, that one takes the cake.

This is what stuck out for me too. To be honest, judging by that it doesn't sound like someone who's particularly eager about ever having children. Not for the right reasons at least.

Good luck with however you choose to handle it, OP.

MizzLolly

Look her straight in the eyes and ask her to tell you honestly if she actually thinks your relationship will survive this abortion..

I find it infuriating that women have this control over men, that baby is as much yours as it is hers. You're it's dad, you deserve to have a say. Personally, I don't think your relationship will survive this if she does choose an abortion against your wishes. Honestly, what difference would another few years make? She told you she wanted kids. So what if it's two or three years earlier than expected? That's the most ridiculous excuse to have an abortion that I've ever read.

You sound like a really great person, it's unfortunate that your girlfriend is disregarding your feelings so harshly. How can she honestly think that she can turn a blind eye to your wishes in this situation? I think it's a very difficult situation but it wasn't a one night stand, it's not a rape situation, she isn't 15. She's in a committed relationship with a man who supports her and she has already said she wants kids. What on earth is she playing at?

I do hope she changes her mind for your sake but it's worth asking her out straight how she thinks this will affect your future. Screw what people are saying about her feeling delicate, I can only imagine how you feel. This is a horrible, horrible situation to find yourself in and I actually feel terrible to think that there are women out there who think this is solely their decision.

Best of luck OP.

WesternNight

MizzLolly wrote: »

Honestly, what difference would another few years make? She told you she wanted kids. So what if it's two or three years earlier than expected? That's the most ridiculous excuse to have an abortion that I've ever read.

A few years is a long time. It can mean the difference between a person who's ready, willing and able to be a good parent, and a person who isn't.

herya

MizzLolly wrote: »

I find it infuriating that women have this control over men, that baby is as much yours as it is hers. You're it's dad, you deserve to have a say.

In a perfect world in such situation the unwilling mother could pass the unborn baby to its willing father for him to carry it in his own womb and give birth. Sadly this is not possible. The only way forward is negotiation.

seahorse

confusedboyfr wrote: »

Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree, but I think of the opposite scenario. The girl says ‘it might not be the ideal time but I’m happy’ and the guy says he doesn’t want to be a parent, too early etc. I think most people would tell the guy to grow up. Why not the other way around?

You're not barking up the wrong tree here, you're right.

Someone pointed out that your relationship will be damaged by this. I know a man who was once in a very similar situation to you. His then gf had the abortion against his will and it finished the relationship. They stayed together for a few months afterwards but he said he had to finish it because he just could never look at her the same way after that.

If I were you I'd be pointing out to her that she didn't make that baby alone and that you have a say that's just as valid as hers. Also remind her gently that there's no such thing as a perfect time to have a baby.

All I can say is I hope your gf changes her mind and, as an aside, I wish to God I'd had a man with your attitude when I got pregnant unexpectedly.

OS119

seahorse wrote: »

If I were you I'd be pointing out to her that she didn't make that baby alone and that you have a say that's just as valid as hers.

how can the blokes say be 'as valid as hers'?

now, i agree they made the feotus equally, but thats the end of his involvement in the process.

she doubles in size, undergoes half-a-dozen personality changes, sweats like a pig for 9 months, vommits every day, starts eating coal-dust and marmalade sandwiches, passes a melon through the eye of a needle (over 24 hours), changes her whole working life and looks after a child 24 hours a day, seven days a week for 18 years.

he goes 'Arrrggggeeerrrr', climbs off and goes to sleep.

how can his say possibly be as valid as hers?

Terodil

OS119 wrote: »

how can the blokes say be 'as valid as hers'?

now, i agree they made the feotus equally, but thats the end of his involvement in the process.

Your argument is fundamentally flawed because you are only considering the causes, not the consequences.

OS119

Terodil wrote: »

Your argument is fundamentally flawed because you are only considering the causes, not the consequences.

of what?

ash23

Terodil wrote: »

Your argument is fundamentally flawed because you are only considering the causes, not the consequences.

If we're discussing the consequences, can I ask a genuine question? Leaving aside the pregnancy and the emotional side and focussing on the legal side, is it possible for a woman to walk away without consequences.
Can a woman go into hospital and give birth and walk out without being put on the birth cert and being given automatic parental rights?
I am merely wondering as in the OPs case, he is unmarried therefore would have no automatic rights to the child. So the argument that she should have it and hand it over is a bit much (aside from the pregnancy and emotional aspect) as if he panics or changes his mind, she is left with the consequences regardless. Isn't she?

Terodil

ash23 wrote: »

So the argument that she should have it and hand it over is a bit much (aside from the pregnancy and emotional aspect) as if he panics or changes his mind, she is left with the consequences regardless. Isn't she?

Oh yeah, it's unrealistic. =/

OS119: The consequences of having a baby = being there for your kid(s) till you die, in one shape or another.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

If we're discussing the consequences, can I ask a genuine question? Leaving aside the pregnancy and the emotional side and focussing on the legal side, is it possible for a woman to walk away without consequences.
Can a woman go into hospital and give birth and walk out without being put on the birth cert and being given automatic parental rights?
I am merely wondering as in the OPs case, he is unmarried therefore would have no automatic rights to the child. So the argument that she should have it and hand it over is a bit much (aside from the pregnancy and emotional aspect) as if he panics or changes his mind, she is left with the consequences regardless. Isn't she?

Only if she gave the child up for adoption.

OS119

Terodil wrote: »

OS119: The consequences of having a baby = being there for your kid(s) till you die, in one shape or another.

i still have no idea what you're on about.

Nevyn

The debate on parenting rights can be taken to humanties.

Any key?

Hey OP It sounds like you're being very mature about the whole thing. I don't know many lads who would react that way


Just spare a thought for your GF though. Regardless of how much support your willing to give her I'm sure she is feeling very scared and lonely. The idea of child birth, pregnancy and the first few years of sleepless nights are terrifying even when you are ready and trying for a child.Not to mention the next 18-20 years of another person relying on you financially.And their exspensive, You will need to pull your weight too regardless of her job.

The baby is for life and a mother has one of the hardest jobs in the world. Give her a chance to get her head around it. I know your saying you might not survive an abortion but If you force this pregnancy upon her she could grow to resent you or even the baby for robbing her of her youth and all the plans she had had for her future.

The best thing you can do at the moment is show her your not going anywhere, listen to her fears and its possible she'll warm to the idea once she gets over the shock and feels more secure.

buckieburd

At the end of the day it's her decision, it may not be fair but that's life.

OP you have to weigh up how you feel, if she goes ahead will you finish with her? If so let her know, but it's not fair to put pressure on her.

It's her life that will change the most, if you put pressure on her to keep it what happens then if down the line you decide to leave her and she is left holding the baby?

Terodil

buckieburd wrote: »

At the end of the day it's her decision, it may not be fair but that's life.

OP you have to weigh up how you feel, if she goes ahead will you finish with her? If so let her know, but it's not fair to put pressure on her.

It's her life that will change the most, if you put pressure on her to keep it what happens then if down the line you decide to leave her and she is left holding the baby?

Mmmh... well, I do think some pressure is perfectly acceptable, because he does have a natural interest in the baby -- he is the father ffs. Obviously guilt-tripping her or being cruel to her in general is not acceptable. As always, it's a fine line somewhere between self-denial and force.

Besides, the last 'what if' doesn't really hold water. I don't think it's acceptable to leave her alone to mind the baby, he is the father and will stay the father so that's not really an option he should consider full stop. It therefore has no bearing on the situation at hand.

buckieburd

Terodil wrote: »

Mmmh... well, I do think some pressure is perfectly acceptable, because he does have a natural interest in the baby -- he is the father ffs. Obviously guilt-tripping her or being cruel to her in general is not acceptable. As always, it's a fine line somewhere between self-denial and force.

Besides, the last 'what if' doesn't really hold water. I don't think it's acceptable to leave her alone to mind the baby, he is the father and will stay the father so that's not really an option he should consider full stop. It therefore has no bearing on the situation at hand.

Women are at a major dis-advantage when it comes to having children, there is far more for them to weigh up than there is for men. PND, effects of pregnancy on the body, implications on their career the list goes on, if she doesn’t want to proceed with the pregnancy it's up to her, it won’t be a decision she will take lightly.

And no matter what anyone says, any pregnant women is going to have the fear of being left on their own with the child...

OS119

Terodil wrote: »

Besides, the last 'what if' doesn't really hold water. I don't think it's acceptable to leave her alone to mind the baby, he is the father and will stay the father so that's not really an option he should consider full stop. It therefore has no bearing on the situation at hand.

you don't think its acceptable, ergo it can't possibly happen.

phew, i think you've lifted an enormous weight off the shoulders of women everywhere. if only someone had had the wit to say 'men can't leave women holding the baby' several thousand years ago, so much trouble and heartache would have been avoided. but thats all sorted now, 'coz your will has created a physical barrier that means from now on, no woman will be left on her own.

thanks for that, you're great.

(for the hard of thinking, my post is dripping with sarcasm).

Terodil

OS119 wrote: »

[...] my post is dripping with sarcasm.

I don't really believe that such posts are very helpful. Sarcasm sadly distracts from any point you might have tried to make.

To be entirely clear: Yes, there are men that leave the mums of their kids (and the kids) alone. I said that in my view that is unacceptable (1). Do we agree so far? Good.

Now do we also agree that
a) the OP is the MAN concerned, not the woman (2)
b) we are trying to help solve the OP's problem (3)
Good.

Now why would we even discuss the option to leave the mother and their common kid alone in a few years?

It's not an acceptable option given (1-3). (Consistency check: I said: "It's not an option he should consider." I didn't say it never happened.)

So why even suggest it?

And just for the record, I don't think the OP would be such a man. Of course we cannot know by this thread alone but from what I've read so far he seems rather responsible.

And the observation that some men leave their kids and their mothers alone does not eliminate this man's rights as a potential father which, in essence, was what the post I criticised initially suggested, even if that right is just the right to voice his opinion and desires.

ash23

Terodil wrote: »

Now why would we even discuss the option to leave the mother and their common kid alone in a few years?
So why even suggest it?

Because it might be a real fear that the woman has?
That for all the reassurance in the world, she may still (on top of all the other issues - physical, emotional, financial etc), she may have a real fear of being left holding the baby when reality and sleepless nights kick in.
She wouldn't be the first woman to feel that way.
I, personally, would feel that fear if I were to fall pregnant unexpectedly. For me, part of planning and wanting a child, would be accepting that I am in a good place to raise it on my own if need be. If I wasn't in that frame of mind, I would be feeling unprepared and abortion would be a real possibility for me.

herya

Terodil wrote: »

Now why would we even discuss the option to leave the mother and their common kid alone in a few years?

And just for the record, I don't think the OP would be such a man. Of course we cannot know by this thread alone but from what I've read so far he seems rather responsible.

I knew a girl who ended up just like this. She got pregnant with her long term boyfriend, she did not want to go ahead due to finishing college/working and general concerns, he convinced her he'll support the family and be there for them. It was very very difficult for her but he was a proverbial good guy and she trusted him, they had a great relationship. They had the baby and two years later he left her, he didn't even try for the custody.

These things happen, OP's gf would be silly not to consider this as well as other possible disasters that may happen to him or herself.

LegacyUser

herya wrote: »

I knew a girl who ended up just like this. She got pregnant with her long term boyfriend, she did not want to go ahead due to finishing college/working and general concerns, he convinced her he'll support the family and be there for them. It was very very difficult for her but he was a proverbial good guy and she trusted him, they had a great relationship. They had the baby and two years later he left her, he didn't even try for the custody.

These things happen, OP's gf would be silly not to consider this as well as other possible disasters that may happen to him or herself.

This happened to me two except I already had another child from another relationship and when I got pregnant again, my now ex promised me the world and was a great daddy to be all the way during the pregnancy, then reality set in and that reality was we had a baby who is disabled, A year on and he left........ he still sees child but I am totally on my own, 2 kids, 2 different daddys and who is the world judging?????? It is just so easy for the man to walk away