Is it worth it?

LegacyUser

Hello,

I'm currently married and living with my wife and 10 year old son, all is well and even though we have the usual hassles with our son messing about and stuff but we shouldn't complain too much, it's life in general.
I've a son from a previous relationship and until now have had almost no involvement with him, this I've done for a number of reasons but to be honest I'm at a junction where I would like to at least get to know him.
Sadly my wife does not want this as she beleives that it would have a detrimental affect on our own family, this, she has stated in no uncertain terms is how she wants it to stay and from what I can see there appears to be no leeway either.
I really don't want to damage what we have now but would like to know my other son.

I'm looking for comments rather than advice...

ash23

Well, a few questions first if thats ok?

What age is your other son? (was he concieved before or during the marriage to your wife).
If he is older did she know about him from the get-go?

freida

I think you should sit down and explain to your wife that you understand that she feels threatened and she is frightened about this, but that your not going to be asking him to move in or anything. Tell her part of why she loves you is cause your a good dad to your son togeather, this same trait makes you want to be a dad to your other boy as well. Finally this will eat away at your relationship if you dont' do something about it. You would never forgive yourself if you found out next year something had happened your other boy and you weren't there for him. Some instinct is compelling you to be part of his life now (it could even be a sub-concious acknowledgement that his age at the moment is when you yourself as a lad had the most difficulties) in any case I would definately follow that hunch. A bit of discomfort and unpleasantness now will be worth it for something you might regret for the rest of your life. That said, I don't think it will be easy, these things never are, that's why people walk away, but at least in the future you will have nothing to berate yourself over if you have made the effort. That is my opinion anyway, f

LegacyUser

The ages of the two kids are very similar, my wife was completely aware of the other lad from day one.

ash23

Ok, well in one way I can see your wifes concern, particularly if the two boys are the same age. She may fear your son with her will be jealous or put out by the presence of this other boy (does your son know about his half sibling?).

On the other hand your first son deserves the same treatment as you other son. They are both entitled to know their dad and have him in their lives.

Your wife may be concerned and should be consulted about the best way to go forward with this, but she should not prevent you from seeing your child.

I would tell her that you are doing it, that you hope she can support you and work with you and do it in way that is best for everyone. But that you feel you need to be a part of this boys life and will not be able to continue ignoring his existance.
Give her some time to get her head around it but make sure she knows this is something you have to do and reassure her that you will do your best to make sure it is done in the best way possible for both boys and for your relationship with her.

As for if it's worth the hassle? Well, this boy is your son too. Is the son you have with your wife worth the hassle? If you and her split would you continue seeing him even if it were difficult?

Of course he's worth the hassle. He's only a boy and he has done nothing wrong but he seems to be the one paying for the sins of the father and mother.

metrovelvet

Why did you decide to have almost no involvement up until now?

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Why did you decide to have almost no involvement up until now?

For the majority of the time it has been to have a happy life with my family and not affect the status quo.

I've now decided though that this should change, while my wife has decided it should not, she has stated in thinly veiled threats that if I continue with this it will cause problems within the family that I will not be able to reverse.

It is wearing me down, i really feel that I should get in touch with the boys mother and request that there is some sort of initial contact or communication.

ash23

sweepnswerve wrote: »

For the majority of the time it has been to have a happy life with my family and not affect the status quo.

I've now decided though that this should change, while my wife has decided it should not, she has stated in thinly veiled threats that if I continue with this it will cause problems within the family that I will not be able to reverse.

It is wearing me down, i really feel that I should get in touch with the boys mother and request that there is some sort of initial contact or communication.

Are you sure she will want you to see the child? Or that the child will want to see you?

I'd make contact with the mother and see what sort of reception you get and then broach it with your wife.
Do you actually think your wife would leave you if you pursue this?

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Are you sure she will want you to see the child? Or that the child will want to see you?

I'd make contact with the mother and see what sort of reception you get and then broach it with your wife.
Do you actually think your wife would leave you if you pursue this?

I can't amke any contact with the mother of the child as this is another thing my wife has asked me not to do.
This is about as angry as I've ever seen my wife, she seems VERY determined on this.

ash23

Well OP, you have 2 choices.
Let your wife dictate whether or not you meet your son/ Only you can decide if you can live with that (and not resent her for it).
Or go against her wishes, meet your son and hope it works out.
Again, only you can decide if it will. You know your wife and you know whether this is a deal breaker or an empty threat by her.

metrovelvet

Was this something you agree to before you got married?

TBH I think you are stuck. I think no matter what you choose your marriage will be compromised.

Splendour

sweepnswerve wrote: »

For the majority of the time it has been to have a happy life with my family and not affect the status quo.

QUOTE]

Do you mean your wife influenced you into not having contact with this child?

CathyMoran

Both yout sons have a right to know their father. I am horrified at your wife's behaviour. I can understand that she may not want you to have contact with your ex but not your son. I know of a not dis-simular situation but would rather not get into details...the marriage did survive eventually.

LegacyUser

Initially I decided to leave the child alone as we were struggling to get on our feet etc and also wanted him to have a stable family environment with his own mother and partner. Now though things are different, i think it's high time I got to know him, or at least made contact to show that I'm interested.

My partner has decided to reinforce her decision by telling me that we should prepare for the worst if I do anything either with telling her going behind her back and doing it alone.

I'm really surprised by this to be honest, she's a very intelligent and usually understanding woman although saying that I don't think anything like this has come up before.

Eoineo

If you really wanted to be in contact with your other son you would have done it long before now. Seems to me that you're using your wife's request as an excuse.

Sleepy

10 years or so with no contact? There's a good chance your son wants nothing to do with you. If you haven't been paying maintenance over this period I would fully understand if his mother blocks access. I know the two are legally separate but you can't expect to just waltz back into a child's life after a decade of absence.

That said, your wife is being beyond unreasonable. Given the venom she seems to be displaying in this matter I'm assuming you got the boy's mother pregnant during an affair? Or you're significantly wealthy and she sees her own son's inheritance as being under threat from the other boy? Regardless, she needs to be told to take a flying leap tbh. If your son and his mother are prepared to let you back into his life, go for it. I'm sure having a new sibling / playmate could only be a good thing for your son from your marriage too.

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

10 years or so with no contact? There's a good chance your son wants nothing to do with you. If you haven't been paying maintenance over this period I would fully understand if his mother blocks access. I know the two are legally separate but you can't expect to just waltz back into a child's life after a decade of absence.

That said, your wife is being beyond unreasonable. Given the venom she seems to be displaying in this matter I'm assuming you got the boy's mother pregnant during an affair? Or you're significantly wealthy and she sees her own son's inheritance as being under threat from the other boy? Regardless, she needs to be told to take a flying leap tbh. If your son and his mother are prepared to let you back into his life, go for it. I'm sure having a new sibling / playmate could only be a good thing for your son from your marriage too.

True, my son may simply right me off and think after 10 years there's little point... but I don't know this do I and well I should really find it out?

Nope not an affair, complicated story but simply but at the time I was not married to anyone and playing far too much of the field... and no again, not fabulously wealthy.

The hardest part here is not knowing and not being able to find out? i don't know if the boys mother would let me see him and also whether the boy himself would and also being told if you do this you'll lose everything in your "current life"...

To the previous post, I have to disagree, this has been something on my mind for years and you would be surprised what you'll do for a quiet life!

metrovelvet

Eoineo wrote: »

If you really wanted to be in contact with your other son you would have done it long before now. Seems to me that you're using your wife's request as an excuse.

Or he is using this other son to indirectly cause damage to and extricate himself from the marriage while appearing to do the right thing.

LegacyUser

I am in a similar position to your wife, although my partner and I are not married yet. I know he has a son with a girl he had a one-night stand with. He has choosen not to have contact with the child, I think his main reasons are that he was not in a relationship with the mother. I have told him since we met that it is his decision if he wants to get to know his child. He has choosen not to. He does pay maintenance (€100 a week). I try not to think about it as it was 'before my time' and I don't know how I would feel if I was in the mothers position. However, my point is, when we do get married, we plan having a family. If and when we do, I don't think I would like him to get involved with his son then. Yes, it is selfish of me, but I am thinking of when we have our own children and I would not like them to have to come to terms with this. But, I do have a lot of fears, even though we have not yet children. I worry that, as we all live in the same town, if we have children, they may come into contact with this child at some stage and how on earth would we explain things then. I think eventually they would have to know. I know I am thinking a long way down the line. The thing is, I have a very close friend, who had a child with a man who did not want to know his son. Her child is now 3 years old and now she does not want this man to ever have contact with his son as it would cause too much unsettlement to him and she has a partner who her child knows as Dad.

It really is a difficult situation and I don't think your wife is displaying 'venom' as one poster said. Perhaps, like me, she wants what she thinks is best for the family she has and when you both got married you had choosen not to see your son. At that stage, she knew what the position was and knew what life she was marrying into. Perhaps, if you had choosen to see your son before you and your wife got married, she would have a different opinion on this now. I know people change their minds and thats ok, however, there are 2 of you in the marriage and your wife is probably fearing what will happen should your child come into your lives, your son would have a half-brother, your wife would have a step-son. It is quite a dramatic change to your lives.

Perhaps you could find out, without direct contact, if the child has a father figure in his life. This is not just a decision about you wanting to meet your son, there may be so many other people affected by it - mainly the child, the childs mother, partner if she has one, your wife, your other son, possibly grandparents. I am not saying to you that you should or should not do anything, but I think if you could find out just a little bit more about the childs situation, you may find that by you contacting the child, may not just be the best solution for the child.

Sleepy

unregistered wrote: »

I know people change their minds and thats ok, however, there are 2 of you in the marriage and your wife is probably fearing what will happen should your child come into your lives, your son would have a half-brother, your wife would have a step-son. It is quite a dramatic change to your lives.

His son already has a half-brother, he just hasn't met him yet. Eventually this will all out and as far as I'd see it, the earlier the boys meet, the less damaging this will be for both of them.

CathyMoran

You need to put your sons first, not your wife - they are the innocent parties.

LegacyUser

To clarify a few things:

I'm very happy in my relationship and if I wasn't this would not be the issue it is.

I would like to get to know the lad but am trying to realize the impact this will have both in my own life and also in his.

He lives with his mother and her now husband and has done from day 1

I've never paid any money as I live in another country and contact was severed between myself and the mother when things got very unpleasant indeed...

I'm now in the "mental" position where I think i'd like to attempt to reconcile all of this and make amends... whether this is possible though is debatable.

He is not aware of me as far as I know.

stovelid

If my partner forbade me to see a child of mine on pain of leaving me, she'd be the one getting the marching orders.

stovelid

Another thing I've just thought too: wouldn't you (any woman) be wary of having children with a man that has decided to completely detach himself from an existing child of his?

mandysmithers

I just find it very difficult to understand how anyone, man or woman, could not have contact with their own child for 10 years!!! It would lose a lot of respect for someone if they behaved like that. To me, once you have a child, they have to always be your number one priority.

If both your sons are around the same age, chances are you were at least going out with your wife, so is your other son the result of cheating on your wife - even before she was your wife I would consider it cheating. Maybe this is also colouring her view. It is probably extremely difficult for her to accept this other boy. However, she is being selfish. If this other boy wants to have contact with you, you should do all you can to make up all the lost years. As another poster said, how can she respect you if you have ignored him for all these years. I will be difficult for her, but she shouldn't stand in the way of an innocent child having a father.

LegacyUser

I agree with the last post, it is very hard to comprehend not seeing a child for 10 years, all I can say is that in trying to make my current life I've left behind what was just as important but I did point out that it is surprising what you do to make life easier / happier.

I'm not sure if I can guide this thread in anyway but if there is a chance it could not go toward the condemnation of what I've done and move to a more constructive direction.

I can assure everyone reading this there is no worse judge than myself in this situation.

LegacyUser

there is no point people condemning the poster. In his original post, he did ask for comments rather than advice. Id doubt very much that anyone here has not made mistakes, however large or small they might be.

OP, it is very easy for people who are not in your position, or a similar one to make comments without knowing the impact they will have on so many around you including yourself.

As one poster asked, would I not be wary of marrying someone that has detached themselves from their child. Of course I have questioned these things. I think when anyone is getting married, they question a lot of things. I have made my decision and there are a lot of reasons why I have decided that, although my partner has decided not to know his son, there are a lot more reasons why I want to marry him. Anyhow, this is not about me.

OP, you come accross as determined to get to know your son and when it comes down to it, it is your right. But im sure you realise, the most important thing is the child and if it is right for him. The only way you will ever get answers on this is to talk to his mother, she is the one that knows your child and she and her husband are the ones that have reared him. As you havent been paying maintenance, Id doubt the mother will welcome you with open arms. If for whatever reasons she thinks it is not the right time or the right thing to do, and you decide to keep trying then you can keep trying. Perhaps the child knows his mothers husband as his father. I could be way off here, but if you do decide to go ahead and try to get to know your son and you have a battle with it, maybe you could try writing a letter every now and then to your son explaining what you have tried to do to get to meet him, what you are thinking, any regrets you have and keep them. There will be a time, when you can contact your son and he will be the one who makes the decision, maybe an old letter might remind you of how you felt and it may be of some comfort to your son, who may have trouble accepting the situation.

I really do think though, to start with, you need to contact the mother. You should see how you feel when you learn a little about your son. I think you need to know about him before you can decide what is the right thing to do in this situation. You mentioned your wife does not want you to have contact with the mother. Before you can do any
more about this whole situation, you need to first decide are you going to go ahead whether your wife wants you to or not.

awanderer

I don't think that posters were judging you for your past actions but rather wondering if, after having chosen to ignore your son for so long you are not now using his existence as an excuse to get out of a relationship that doesn't satisfy you anymore without feeling any guilt.

Whatever your decision don't look at yourself as a victim. That is much too easy. You, not your wife, took the decision to ignore your son. You say it yourself you went with her wish because it was the easiest thing to do. Why don't you anymore ? I suspect it is for the same reason acknowledging your son or threatening to do so has now become the easiest way out.

I think you came on the forum looking for approval more than advice and you should be very careful not to risk to hurt 2 young boys just because you don't want to look in the mirror:(.

LegacyUser

awanderer wrote: »

I don't think that posters were judging you for your past actions but rather wondering if, after having chosen to ignore your son for so long you are not now using his existence as an excuse to get out of a relationship that doesn't satisfy you anymore without feeling any guilt.

Whatever your decision don't look at yourself as a victim. That is much too easy. You, not your wife, took the decision to ignore your son. You say it yourself you went with her wish because it was the easiest thing to do. Why don't you anymore ? I suspect it is for the same reason acknowledging your son or threatening to do so has now become the easiest way out.

I think you came on the forum looking for approval more than advice and you should be very careful not to risk to hurt 2 young boys just because you don't want to look in the mirror:(.

Thanks for the post prior to this one, I don't know how to double quote but there are some things I can look at there.

There are a few things here I disagree with though, I'm certainly not looking for a way out of my marriage, I'm very happy and would not want to spoil it. BUT, I simply have after many years of deliberation decided that I should find out whether I can or can not have a relationship with my other son.

As for approval, I'm not sure, maybe acknowledgment that this can happen to anyone and maybe you should do this and that rather than that and this...

Or maybe simply I wanted to talk it out, even with a bunch of strangers on a forum, I've spoken to no one about this none of my friends or colleagues know about it, I've not spoken about it for years and I think I just wanted to let it out... and getting comments is a a way to literally drag it all out?

And to be honest it feels good.

LegacyUser

I would be in a comparitive position to the boys mother, although mine is much younger. His father has had nothing to do with him and has contacted me about seeing the child. He has also told me that he has a girlfriend who has forbidden him from any contact with the child, and I assume with me too, although that has not stopped him from contacting me.

Here are my feelings when I heard all this. 1. Why didnt you sort this out with your gf BEFORE getting in touch with me. This is not my or my child's problem. 2. A general and confirmed mistrust of his character that he made this agreement in the first place and that he would choose as a partner this kind of person [it tells me he wasnt too interested in his child anyhow and had given up on him 3. That if he is allowing someone else to make decisions for him, is that really good for the child? 4. He is using this as a means to get out of the relationship

Obviously this is not a marriage so the stakes are a bit different, perhaps even the dynamic and there are no other children involved so its a bit less complicated but just thought Id offer up some of the feedback you might possibly get from the mother, that is if she doesn't slam the door in your face, which is what she most likely would want
to do.

And if anyone gave me ultimatums about not seeing my child, they would probably need to call an ambulance.

HTH

LeoB

Its difficult to comment fairly without knowing the people involved.

I dont like your partners attidtude at all. While you are the boys father I think you have no right to arrive back on the scene. This could cause mayhem in their life and in yours.

LegacyUser

LeoB wrote: »

Its difficult to comment fairly without knowing the people involved.

I dont like your partners attidtude at all. While you are the boys father I think you have no right to arrive back on the scene. This could cause mayhem in their life and in yours.

Quite true, I've no right to waltz back in and I'm not intending to, if I could manage to find out what the boys mother is thinking and if she would agree then that would be of help. Then of course I would need to know what the boy himself thinks... it would be pointless causing hell in my own home and then finding out that either the boy, his mother or both don't want anything to do with me.

metrovelvet

You might also consider that the first attempt might meet failure. It might take several tries. After all no one will take you seriously after a ten year absence.

LegacyUser

For the sake of my marriage I'm going to leave it for a while and see how things can develop a little more slowly, I seem to be pushing it too much and it's causing the inevitable problems.

Making things worse isn't going to help me so I'll take it slower.

LeoB

sweepnswerve wrote: »

For the sake of my marriage I'm going to leave it for a while and see how things can develop a little more slowly, I seem to be pushing it too much and it's causing the inevitable problems.

Making things worse isn't going to help me so I'll take it slower.

Dammed if you do Dammed if you dont.

Still think your partner is a little unreasonable. Good luck with whichever course you decide.

Shelli

10 years no contact, living in a different country, and the mothers husband has been there since day one??

There is a very high possibility the child doesn't even know the husband is not his biological father.

metrovelvet

Tick tock tick tock tick tock....

That is one big bomb under your carpet.