Parents Are Making Me Rebelious

LegacyUser

Basically, girl, soon to be 19, very down to earth, well brought up, well spoken, did a good leaving and am in college now etc etc so you think my parents would be proud but today they let it all out.

Basically my mom is very prudish. She says I disgust her when I drink..Last night been halloween n all I was drinking in my house before heading into town to meet my friends, she told me to get out of her sight that I was making her sick? I was just having a glass of vodka n coke! So I had to leave the room..

When I ask her to put fake tan on my back she gets annoyed saying "you don't need it" and all this and refuses to do it..

Last night I met my ex in a club (only broken up 2 weeks) and I went back to his and spent the night with him. I lost my phone so wasn't able to text her to tell her I'd be home tomorrow. I didn't want to text her off my ex's phone cuz I know she'd say his number plus she's be like who is this texting me (she didn't even know I had a boyfriend all summer cuz I can't tell her these things without her taking the enjoyment out of it)..

So I arrived home this afternoon and she roared the house down saying where were you that she was just about to phone the guards and I said I stayed in my best mates house and she said "you're lying I phoned X and he said you went off with some bloke last night" so I had to tell her all abut my ex boyfriend and then meeting him and then going back with him then I got the lecture about sex and contraception yano yourself

Anyways she said she's extrememly dissappointed in me which I really can't understand, I'm 19, I had a boyfriend, we had sex? Whats the problem? I told her I've been on the pill since I met him and instead of been relieved that I'm been safe she turns around and says "Tbh I think an 18 year old on the pill is just sad!" and she went bilistic

She gives out NUTS for me smoking, yet all my friends smoke, I'm 18.

I came home tonight and there was a letter typed out on my bed from her telling me how dissappointed she is and how it's very hard for her as a parent to accept "all that's gone on" (the thought of me having sex with my boyf all summer)..

I can't believe this reaction. And before anyone says it I DO realise that she's only a concerned parent looking out for her daughter but between the smoking, tan, drinking..just EVERYTHING i am cracking up !! I feel as though all my personal life has been exploited today and that I have no privacy anymore. I went for a drive tonight and just parked in a car park and cried for ages. It really isn't normal the way she treats me. She's constantly holding me back, if truth be told she's love to just keep me locked in the house all day. I'm 18 I want to live my life. I'm not stupid I'm very aware but I can't keep been brainwashed by this.

All I really want to know is what can I do and is this normal? REALLY don't think it is! Sure I even turned around to her and said "mom look at half my girl friends they're all on the pill!" and she replied "well they're all eejits" :O



I now find myself doing the opposite to everything she says cuz I'm just constantly raging inside when I'm around her.

I love her I just wish she'd let me live the life of a normal 18 year old without been made feel guilty.

Overheal

Well from her perspective youre 18 and your smoking and your drinking and your f*cking around. Honestly, I don't know what real parent wouldn't be at least concerned about that.

So I arrived home this afternoon and she roared the house down saying where were you that she was just about to phone the guards and I said I stayed in my best mates house and she said "you're lying I phoned X and he said you went off with some bloke last night" so I had to tell her all abut my ex boyfriend and then meeting him and then going back with him then I got the lecture about sex and contraception yano yourself

And, thats why. It doesn't matter how long ago this started but when you're distorting or masking the truth to your parent, it does Not inspire confidence.

Today, 2009. We've gone from your Mammy's days and into this wild world of sexual liberation. And you're in a Pro-Life country. Not to get political, but you only need walk in town and spot the number of girls your age or in fact younger who are pushing around prams for making these same kinds of decisions. Contraception is never infallible, and guys - Ill be honest - have been conditioned to think a child is the worst consequence of having sex. If you find yourself in that situation, 9 out of 10 times you will be on your own and running through legals. And your Mammy will be the one to be there for you when its time to pick up them pieces.

Now Im sorry that you've already heard that lecture 100 times in the last week but it doesnt ring any less true that theres a slipping trend in regard to Teenage pregnancy. These arguments, these Group Mentality defenses,

She gives out NUTS for me smoking, yet all my friends smoke, I'm 18.

Really don't slice at all. Especially when you consider one day you're all smoking and its ok because you're all smoking, and <snip>. And you're all getting knocked up and its cool because youre all doing it and youre all drink driving and its cool because everyone does it...


So can you see where your Parents are coming from? Seriously?? They aren't doing it because they don't want you to live a wonderful life. Quite the opposite in fact. They dont want to see you die in a car crash or get pregnant and lose the rest of your adolescence or any other number of horrible unthinkable ways to have your life ruined. Read the papers. Its happened to some family in Ireland on a daily basis.

shellyboo

Her house, her rules. She's not the first parent who doesn't want their child having sex or drinking, and while you live in her house you are still her child. There are parents out there far, far, far worse - at least you're allowed out. I think it's totally natural for a parent to be worried their child didn't come home; heck, I'd be worried if one of my housemates disappeared for the evening unexpectedly.

I agree with her about the smoking - at age 18, it's completely and utterly stupid. To be honest, she just sounds like a normal mother to me. If you don't want her criticising your life, then you need to live it independently of her.

Zaph

Overheal wrote: »

Really don't slice at all. Especially when you consider one day you're all smoking and its ok because you're all smoking, and <snip>. And you're all getting knocked up and its cool because youre all doing it and youre all drink driving and its cool because everyone does it...

Overheal, a little less of the wildly sensational stuff if you please. To make the leap from smoking to that isn't realistic or helpful.

Thanks

Darthhoob

i did all the same things. i was a good kid but in my late teens i started dating, having sex, drinking, smoking, staying out, lying. i got the very same lecture several hundred times

then i fell pregnant at the age of 19 and started to see things in a different light. they are your parents and want what is best for you. it may feel restricting and annoying but they are trying to protect you from a much worse situation.

for you be trusted and respected as an adult you have to earn it. lying isn't getting you very far there. if you respect what rules they lay down in their house, and not lie. they may start to respect that you are grown up enough to be trusted.

Overheal

Zaph wrote: »

Overheal, a little less of the wildly sensational stuff if you please. To make the leap from smoking to that isn't realistic or helpful.

Thanks

Trying to illustrate how Group Mentality is rarely ever a validation for the act committed. Whether smoking or drinking or drink driving or worse. I apologize if the example was a bit Over The Top.

shellyboo

Darthhoob wrote: »

for you be trusted and respected as an adult you have to earn it. lying isn't getting you very far there. if you respect what rules they lay down in their house, and not lie. they may start to respect that you are grown up enough to be trusted.

+1 million. Nail on head. If you want to be treated like a responsible adult you have to act like on. Disappearing and not letting them know where you were, then lying about it is not what a responsible adult does. Going off in a tantrum in your car, also not adult behaviour. Telling your mother you smoke because "all my friends are doing it" is not adult behaviour either. Really what's happening is that you're acting like a rebellious, untrustworthy teenager, and you're getting treated like one.

opinion guy

To be honest i had a certain level of sympathy for you until i read this:

She gives out NUTS for me smoking, yet all my friends smoke, I'm 18.

coupled with this

"mom look at half my girl friends they're all on the pill!"

and this

I love her I just wish she'd let me live the life of a normal 18 year old without been made feel guilty.

My god you think smoking is normal because all your friends smoke ? OP I think your mum is worried about you because you aren't thinking for yourself yet. you are going with the crowd. You need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. you need to start thinking about the possible consequences of your actions. Maybe when your mum sees you start doing that she will lighten up on you.

That being said i do think your mum is being overly dramatic in having u leave the room to take a drink etc.


Edit: oh also i forgot one thing. if you were not going home you should have gotten a message home somehow. especially since you didn't get home till the afternoon. fari enough you lost your phone but you should have texted her from the guys phone. or else called her from landline or something early in the morning. I'm 32 and male and i think if i were staying at home and did something similar my mum woudl be on the point of phoning the guards also

JKM

I have to agree with what others are saying here. Respect is earned and it doesn't seem you're being very respectful. This has been said already but I would like to reiterate; as long as you live under her roof you live by her rules. Or at least you should have the respect to do so without being asked. Just because you have been a good girl up to now doesn't give you a free pass for the rest of your life under their care.

I take it also, that as you are in college, and you are living at home that you may be somewhat financially dependant on your parents? If so, besides the concern she will obviously have about your health, your mam has every right to be concerned that you are wasting money on cigarettes IMO.

Do you really think any self respecting adult would behave like you have; staying out all night with no thought at all for the people expecting you back, retaliating with the silly comments about the pill and smoking, lie and only tell the truth when caught out? If you want to be treated like an adult i'm afraid you'll have to start acting like one.

watna

I have to agree with the other posters. You're parents are not making you rebellious. You just want to do a lot of things they you're mother doesn't approve of. I lived at home for college and my parents were quite laid back - because I earned that trust. I would never ever ever not come home without a text to my mum or dad. Not wanting to use your exes phone is not an excuse. My mum told me recently that it took her 3 or 4 years to be able to go asleep when I was out. Until then she stayed awake until I got home. Can you imagine how worried your mum was and then she found out you had lied to her about having a boyfriend? Why not be up front from the beginning and bring him home to meet her so she doesn't think you're sneaking around with some bloke she knows nothing about. You should have found a way to contact her to tell her you were staying out. Just letting her worry is inexcusable.

Yes, you're 19 but you are still living with them and, in my experience a lot of people's parents are a lot worse. My sister-in-law is 19 and she's not allowedbto leave the house without her mum after a certain time of day and her mum still tells her what to wear and doesn't allow her to wear certain things. I could on but it gets crazier and you probably wouldn't believe me.

Just put yourself in your mum's shoes and think about how she feels. You're sneaking around and smoking and drinking and she's worried. Earn back her trust and maybe you'll all have an easier time. Act like an adult and you'll be treated like one. Her reaction to you being on the pill and drinking is a bit OTT but I would imagine that she is very worried and she has no reason to trust you. You should write her a letter back - if that is how she chooses to communicate telling her that you know she is concerned but that she needs to trust you and that you will do your best to earn that trust. Then you really do have to earn that trust and play by her rules. It might take a bit of time. Sneaking around with a bf is what 14 year olds do - not 19 year olds. I sense your frustration and I know how hard it can be living with your parents after a certain age but you can make it better.

Snabe

i have to agree with the others. i'm 31 and if i still lived with my parents now i'd let them know not to expect me home til the next day, never mind whose phone number it came from.

also, while your mother gives out to you for being on the pill, i don't think the fact that you're on the pill is the issue - there are other things to worry about apart from pregnancy.

from your mother's perspective, she's suddenly found out all these things about you that she never knew (boyfriend etc) and she's wondering what else has gone on that she doesn't know about. parents worry. that's just a fact. and they never stop worrying either, you just need to know how to handle it

at your age, and right until i moved out at the age of 23, i had all the same issues with my mother. yes part of it was nosiness on her part, but mostly it was done out of love.

she does need to realise that you aren't a child anymore, but you also need to show that you are mature enough to handle various situations before she will start to let go of the parental reigns.

i know this is a really difficult situation for you. my best advice would be to maybe write down your feelings and give them in letter form to your mother, just like she's done with you. sometimes you can articulate yourself better in writing than by speaking the words (it works for me anyway!)

good luck and hope you sort things out.

Terodil

My stance on this would be slightly more moderate than the other posters'. Yes, not calling when your parents are expecting you at home is very inconsiderate, and I think it's perfectly legitimate to tell you that smoking is bad for you (because it is) and that you should be safe while sleeping with men, if you haven't had 'that talk' before.

Giving out to you like that, though, is a bit OTT. That 'you live under my roof so you have to follow my rules' stuff is pure nonsense in such an absolute form. And you have no obligation to tell them what exactly you are doing with your boyfriend. Some general info would have gone a long way though and a nudge and wink: 'Yes I'm being careful.'

Going rebellious now would be the worst thing you could do. You need to show more understanding for your parents' concerns but still be firm about how you want to lead your life. 'Firm' does not mean 'headstrong' aka stupid and immune to reasoning, it means that you get/have a concept of your life and that you are able to defend it argumentatively when questioned. You'll have a hard time doing that with your smoking, but a much easier time with having a boyfriend. And look after your parents too. Go have fun partying and with your bf but make sure your parents aren't eating themselves up with worry.

Now one final remark: It IS your life, for you to lead as you want. If that includes smoking, fake tan, etc. then that's your choice. Are you sure you want that though? Why? I think you owe it to yourself to have a good answer to that question... and that's what your parents are at too, if I read your OP correctly.

Faith

My parents are very protective of me, and while I regularly break their rules, they don't know about it. I'm nearly 23, and have smoked on and off since I was 15. They've never caught me, I would never tell them, and I'm very careful that they don't find out. As far as they were concerned, I first got drunk on my 18th birthday and even now, I'd never let on that I drink large quantities in a night out. I've only started admitting to hangovers in the past couple of years. My mum knew when I went on the pill, and I made it very clear to her that it was for heavy periods. My parents know I share a bed with my long-term bf when staying in his house, but I've never confirmed that we have sex, and when he stays in my house, he stays in a separate room. Finally, I'd never stay out overnight, or even later than expected, without texting my mum. *

Now, that might sound over the top and preachy, but I generally have a great relationship with my parents. They hassle me, but not half as much as they could do. The key to getting along with your parents is knowing what to keep quiet about and how to keep them happy. Why, at 18, you'd smoke in front of them, I'll never understand. Pretend you've quit, don't get caught doing it again, and that's one less thing for them to give out to you about. Any parent is going to be concerned about their child drinking alone at home before meeting friends! Get ready with a group at someone elses house if you want to pre-drink. And not texting her when you're not coming home was just stupid.

Really, this isn't a big problem. Just have a bit of cop-on and stop flaunting your indiscretions in front of them. My parents are very old-fashioned too, and it can be tough, but it's grand once you figure out how to keep them happy. Remember that your parents are only concerned about your safety. They want you to be healthy. If I were you, I'd go and apologise to my mum now (even if I didn't mean it; for the sake of appearances and an easy life), and keep quiet about doing stuff that they don't approve of from now on. Oh, and "all my friends do it" is not a good argument.


*This paragraph is not meant to demonstrate that I'm any sort of model child, but rather emphasise how straightforward it is to avoid conflict with your parents.

LegacyUser

So, a Mother is supposed to accept smoking, drinking and riding are all "normal" behavioural patterns for an 18 year old child? (Which is what you are , while you are still dependent on your parents).

Smoking is ridiculous. Of all the habits, it's the most disgusting, foul-smelling and un-healthy activity you could be up to. Your mother's reaction to this is perfectly normal.

Drinking? Why one needs to have a drink before you go out can make a parent very worried. Alcohol intake should be enjoyed in moderation. No parent can be expected to think that having alcohol before you go out is "normal".

Riding? Your mother is not wrong for wanting her daughter to be as pure and chaste as possible. No mother in the world would like to think her daughter is off riding some "ex".

OP, your Mother was not born yesterday. 100% says she made mistakes growing up, and it's perfectly normal for her to what her daughter to avoid similar pitfalls. She's looking at you and she's not liking what she's seeing. TBH I wouldn't like it if my 18 year old daughter was up to what you consider "normal".

You will not know it until you are a parent yourself, but your mother loves you. She wants you to be safe and healthy, and that's not a crime. You are showing a frightening lack of maturity. How about trying to have a good time without all the fixes? (Alcohol, tobacco and sex). It is possible.

LegacyUser

Your parents aren't making you rebellious. You're making yourself rebellious. Take responsibilty, stop blaming your parents for your actions and they will treat you as an adult.

You cannot be serious. Nothing you have written makes you sound like a model child. My mother would have disowned me if I'd behaved like that while living at home. I was expecting to have sympathy for you when I read the title, as my mam never appreciated how well behaved I was as a teenager (she actually used to give out to me for wanting to learn new languages instead of doing something 'useful') but I actually WAS well behaved. You're drinking in the house, smoking, riding someone you're not going out with - why on earth would you expect your parents to be happy about any of it? You sound extremely spoiled and self centered, to be honest. Can you really not understand why your parents are concerned? And as for 'making you rebellious', that's so unbelievably childish. If you want to be an adult, then be one. Move out, pay all your own bills and see how you like that. As someone who did just that in college, let me tell you you won't have money for cigarettes and you won't have time for going out all the time. I had independence but at the expense of all the stuff you think is 'normal'. You can't have it all.

dudara

As another poster said, your parents are not making you rebellious - you are.

What another poster (I think Watna) said rang true with me. My mother admitted to me a while back that she would always stay awake when I was out for a night when living at home. I was under orders to stick my head in my parents door and let them know I was home, no matter how late it was or what state I was in. But then, they did let me go to nightclubs when I was 16. That took a massive level of trust from them, but I know I had earned it.

Your attitude here is that of a child. Why? Because children constantly compare themselves to other children. Start acting independently and you'll be on your way to being an adult.

I'm no old-fashioned prude, but if my 18 year old daughter was f*ucking around, smoking and drinking to the point where she was losing phones and couldn't be arsed picking up a phone to let me know she wouldn't be home, I'd be extremely disappointed too.

John Mason

wow, just wow

i am 34 years of age and there is no way in hell i would act like that in my parents house

i would never smoke in front of them.

my parents house is kind of the meet up place when i am in my hometown and yes, we will have one or two beers before we head out but thats just me and my cousins who rarely see each other and we all in our late 20's/30's, so its a family gathering, if i pulled out a bottle of vodka when i was eighteen before in went out, my mother would have no hesitation to slap me up side the head.

and when i do go out in my hometown, i would never ever, in a million years not text or phone my parents to say i would not be home.

i am not surprised your mother typed you a letter, so obviously dont listen and yell when she speaks.

and as for the sex thing - i am just speechless, so will not comment on that

you need to grow up and cop on to yourself and start acting like an adult rather then a selfish little child

if you cant do that, then move out

Overheal

Hell I wouldnt mind if you smoke and drank and didnt let on, but the Everybody is Doing it argument makes me worry for you. It doesnt suggest you have any sense of Self-Responsibility about it. At least when I buy a pack of smokes I know Im buying it because Im in the mood for one, not to impress somebody (or for that matter because im hooked on them - I've had less than 2 packs since the start of the year). After all, I'm in control of that cigarette, not it of me.

saywhatyouwish

I am a 19 year old college girl also, but I live away from home during the week. This has been my parents way of controlling me:
Only ever got to go to one disco throughout my secondary school years and only for one hour while my mum was parked outside and if i was late she would come in and drag me out (was done by my father on holiday).
Wasn't allowed go to the city by bus shopping with friends until i was 15 or 16.
Not allowed to drink or smoke obviously, no boyfriends allowed, in fact my phone was taken off me for texting a boy I had a crush on at 15.
Had to go to mass every weekend until i turned 16. Wasn't allowed to go to the cinema without being dropped & collected at the door and not out later than 11.
I never rebelled in secondary school because I just accepted it, their house, but now that I'm in university and I have my own house I do what I like.
If I feel like smoking I will, I drink (not heavily), I have sex because I'm in a serious relationship but I do not tell my parents everything.
They know I drink, they know what I drink, they know where I go out, they know I have the contraceptive implant as my father got it for me through his drug scheme and I paid him back (he didnt ask for the money I just feel its my own responsibility not his). I have never told them I have sex but they're not stupid. When my boyfriend stayed over we slept seperately until the last night but when my mum came rushing in the door to what i suppose was catch me out i was in my pjs and both asleep so she knows she can trust me.
When you tell them the truth even if its not everything they trust you more. I don't tell my parents I smoke because I don't regularly, one packet would last me 2 weeks or more, they don't need to stress about that and I would never smoke at home.

Toots

Just speaking from my own personal experience here, but I think you should be a bit more open with your mum. Especially with the whole 'staying out all night' thing. I mean, that's not about pandering to your mum, that's just common sense. The poor woman was probably up the walls with worry when you didn't come home. The screeching/roaring is a pretty normal parental reaction in this circumstance tbh. Could you not have given her a call from a payphone or your ex's phone, with the caller ID hidden? I mean if you really didn't want to talk to her you could have called directly to the voicemail and at least left a message to say you were alive!

I was very open with both my parents growing up, like a lot of my friends thought I was nuts for telling them some of the stuff I did. Now I didn't tell them about sex or anything like that, but I did tell them when I met my boyfriend, and I also told my mum that I wanted to go on the pill several months later. Now she wasn't 100% happy with the idea that I intended to sleep with my OH (and in fairness I don't know what mother would be thrilled to think of their 17yr old daughter having sex) but she respected the fact that I was honest with her, and the fact that I was taking precautions.

I'm not suggesting that you should have come clean to your mother and told her you were having sex, but at least if you had mentioned you had a BF, if you'd been going out for a while she probably would have put two and two together. At least it would have been somewhat less of a shock when she found out for sure that you were sleeping together. I can understand why she's so pissed you went back to his. When I was 18, if my mum had found out I'd had a ONS with my ex (on top of the whole disappearing act earlier) she would have been less than impressed, in fairness she wouldn't have shouted at me, but she'd have been mighty pissed off and would definitely have lost a lot of respect for me.

I think a phrase to live by is 'pick your battles' and this is particularly true in your case. You're still living at home, so really you have to respect their rules. Smoking in front of them is just asking for trouble. Have a smoke when you're out by all means, but if your mother is passionately anti-smoking, then puffing away in front of her is just gonna be a red rag to a bull.

As regards the drinking, if you're heading out for a night on the town, do you really have to start drinking when you're at home? Again, this obviously upsets your mother, so it's probably something you shouldn't do in front of her. Now I understand that it's nice and legal for you to drink, but I think some parents have a hard time accepting that their babies are all of a sudden 18 and this whole new world of debauchery has just opened up to them. I'd say seeing you knocking back spirits is hard for her to deal with, she probably feels that you're only drinking to get drunk. Have a chat with her about this and see can you reach a compromise. How about sitting down together for a girly chat and a glass of wine before you head out? This would also be a good time to give her a few details about your plans for the night, which should help put her mind at ease too.

Maybe you could write her a letter back explaining a bit how you feel, but I'd take the advice of posters here and realise that just because you're over 18 doesn't mean your parents are suddenly going to be ok with you smoking, getting pissed and having sex, cos they're just not, it doesn't work that way. Explain that you're willing to work out a solution that will keep everyone happy (them moreso than you, though) and try to come to an agreement with them. You keep mentioning that you're 18, but being 18 and going to college doesn't mean that you suddenly get carte blanche to act like a total wild child. IMO, at 18 you should be showing your parents that you're becoming a responsible adult and are able to look after yourself well. However, judging from your post, you'll have to change your behavior to convince them of that. Show them that you can behave like an adult, and you'll be surprised at how differently they treat you.

Nervous Wreck

Right. I'm gonna take the opposing position of most people who have posted in this thread. For various reasons, one of them being that, although the OP is a little over the top in places, her mother is undeniably doing the same thing. So firstly, let's try be a little less judgemental of the OP. Saying things like "You're acting like a little kid" isn't really productive in and of itself. Anyway, that's just the direction that I'm approaching this from so here goes the rest of my post. I'll address each issue separately for convenience.

Firstly:

Banana Rep wrote: »

So, a Mother is supposed to accept smoking, drinking and riding are all "normal" behavioural patterns for an 18 year old child?

They are. All 3 things are legal at this age. Despite what the majority of people this age do, the OP has every legal right to engage in each of these acts in this country.

goinginsane wrote: »

She says I disgust her when I drink..Last night been halloween n all I was drinking in my house before heading into town to meet my friends, she told me to get out of her sight that I was making her sick? I was just having a glass of vodka n coke! So I had to leave the room..

She's being OTT. Clearly. She may not 'agree' with you drinking (and out of interest, is she alcohol-free herself?) but ateotd, you're an adult and it's none of her business. Pre-drinking saves money. As long as you don't then overdo it when you get to the club/pub/whatever, it makes perfect sense to have one or two at home.

goinginsane wrote: »

When I ask her to put fake tan on my back she gets annoyed saying "you don't need it" and all this and refuses to do it..

You probably don't need it and probably looked just as silly as most 18 year-olds do when they tango up before heading out. But, again, it's none of her business.

goinginsane wrote: »

Last night I met my ex in a club (only broken up 2 weeks) and I went back to his and spent the night with him. I lost my phone so wasn't able to text her to tell her I'd be home tomorrow.....So I arrived home this afternoon and she roared the house down saying where were you that she was just about to phone the guards

The first time I stayed out all night without calling, I got the same reaction. My mom was right and so is yours. You should have called. Being an adult is all well and good but you can't expect people not to worry. I'm 23 and if I'm staying out all night, I text my mom and my sister cos they both worry. Even when I was recently in a LTR and spent most of my nights at my GF's house, they'd worry if I didn't let them know. Assuming I'm safe doesn't cut it, and it never should. If I don't let them know, I get awoken by an "Are you alive?" phone-call. Make every effort to let yer mom know you're safe.

goinginsane wrote: »

so I had to tell her all abut my ex boyfriend and then meeting him and then going back with him then I got the lecture about sex and contraception yano yourself

Anyways she said she's extrememly dissappointed in me which I really can't understand, I'm 19, I had a boyfriend, we had sex? Whats the problem? I told her I've been on the pill since I met him and instead of been relieved that I'm been safe she turns around and says "Tbh I think an 18 year old on the pill is just sad!" and she went bilistic

At your age, you should be mature enough to discuss boyfriends with your mom. If you broach the subject in the right way, she'll open up. However, you have shown that you are aware of the risks of being sexually active and are taking necessary precautions. She should be mature enough to recognise that.

When I was 18, I told my mom one day that my girlfriend of 3 years would be spending the night at my house the following night. My mom declared "There's no way she's staying in your bed." and we had an argument over it. The argument ended when I told her that "just because you aren't mature enough to recognise that I'm in a sexual relationship doesn't make it any less true. You're too old to act so childish about sex." My mom recognised then and there that I understood the implications of my actions. We never spoke of it again, my girlfriend stayed over and there's never been an issue since. I would've preferred a less volatile way of discussing it with my mom but she reacted aggressively and I had no choice but get sucked into her argument.

goinginsane wrote: »

She gives out NUTS for me smoking, yet all my friends smoke, I'm 18.

This one isn't a matter of opinion, it's a matter of fact. Smoking is about the dumbest thing anyone can do.

goinginsane wrote: »

All I really want to know is what can I do and is this normal? REALLY don't think it is! Sure I even turned around to her and said "mom look at half my girl friends they're all on the pill!" and she replied "well they're all eejits" :O

Your friends doing something shouldn't even come into it. But anyone saying that someone is an 'eejit' for making use of contraception is obviously a bit screwed up in the head. Though the likelihood is that she said this in a fit of rage because she's terrified at the thought of you having sex (which, again, is fairly immature of her anyway).



Anyway. My overall advice OP is that you should go to your mother, tell her that you've read her letter and that you'd like to sit down and talk to her about how she feels and how you feel. Tell her that you feel you should only talk when both of you are sufficiently calmed down about the whole subject. When you talk about everything, do not get defensive. Do not raise your voice. Do not interrupt her. Ask her how she's feeling, let her speak and then ask her permission to address what she's just said. Speak calmly. Do not equate yourself to your friends. Tell her how you feel. Tell her why you're on the pill. Be honest. Be mature. And mend the injuries you've both suffered in the last few days.

Good luck.

Flimbos

OP, I'll reiterate what other posters here have said; your mother lost the head when you didn't come home because she was genuinely worried about you. She was worried sick and it is totally unacceptable for you not to have contacted her – you could have found a way if you wanted, and trying to bullsh[t your way out of it will only make things worse.

Look, I know its difficult living at home with the folks whilst entering adulthood and a couple of the things she did/said are a bit OTT and yes, people your age will try all these new things, smoking, drinking, sh~gging, because they can. But you have to appreciate that your mother still regards you as a child - to her it only seems like yesterday since you actually were a child. As other posters have rightly pointed out, if you want to be treated like an adult, start behaving like one. Rolling your eyes when she asks you why you stayed out all night and saying “all my friends smoke”, this is not the behaviour of an adult, it’s childish.

Let me ask you something OP, would you prefer a mother who didn’t give a damn where you go, what you do and when you come home? Would you really prefer a mother who is ok with you having a drunken one night stand with an ex that she’d never even heard of? Maybe a mother who gets drunk every night herself? I don’t think so.

Look, rebelling for the sake of it will do no good. Just approach your mother with a bit of honesty and maturity, she will appreciate this. Who knows, one day you might even be friends. Best of luck.

bp1989

Banana Rep wrote: »

Drinking? Why one needs to have a drink before you go out can make a parent very worried. Alcohol intake should be enjoyed in moderation. No parent can be expected to think that having alcohol before you go out is "normal".

You've obviously never socialized with a student then. We're too broke to drink when we go out, so we buy drink beforehand, drink that, then head out. It makes sense, and is completely "normal" for any student.

CodeMonkey

bp1989 wrote: »

You've obviously never socialized with a student then. We're too broke to drink when we go out, so we buy drink beforehand, drink that, then head out. It makes sense, and is completely "normal" for any student.

You don't need to drink to socialise and have a good time. If more Irish parents are like the op's then maybe this drinking culture wouldn't be as prevalent.

opinion guy

CodeMonkey wrote: »

You don't need to drink to socialise and have a good time. If more Irish parents are like the op's then maybe this drinking culture wouldn't be as prevalent.

Actually I seriously doubt that. In fact wasn't there a study recently that showed that teenagers introduced to drink in the home were far less likely to beomce problem/binge drinkers

<a short google later>
Yup:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8297821.stm

Lux23

My mother was the same with me when I was 18/19. Strangely I woke up one night and heard her giving out about me to my Dad. He said something like shes almost a grown woman so you have to let her lead her own life, she pretty much did that.

I think you need to get some space for yourself and then when your calm and collected sit your parents down and tell them that you are a grown woman who is old enough to make your own decisions. Try to get your point across without shouting, rem your parents won't treat you as an adult if you don't behave like one. I think you may find that they are stuggling with the fact their little girl is growing up and are doing anything to try to stop it. Try and meet them half way.

bp1989

bp1989 wrote: »

You've obviously never socialized with a student then. We're too broke to drink when we go out, so we buy drink beforehand, drink that, then head out. It makes sense, and is completely "normal" for any student.

But parents don't always see it like that. I can totally understand why they wouldn't like it. I'm 24 and my dad still gives out if I have a drink at home. His dad was an alcoholic and died of liver failure and my dad is teetotal as a result. He isn't just being a moan, he's just worried about me. If OP wants to pre-drink so much, then why can't she go somewhere else to do it? It's not on to rub it in her parents' faces when they obviously don't approve.

LegacyUser

Hi Op
I have to agree with the other posters in the sense that your parents are not making you rebellious, you're the only one who can make yourself rebel!!

But I think this thing of people saying you're stupid to smoke and drink and have sex is ridiculous,we all do things when we're young that we might later regret but in all fairness we're all individuals,and thank god we are!! Your mother does sound way over the top but I don't think there's much you can do about it apart from move out? It is her house. I wasn't allowed go out with out asking until i finished school and even then if I didn't go home my dad would eat me!! Just because he worried about me, sure he hadn't a clue where I was!! I was grounded more times for smoking which I started at a young age and eventually he realised I wasn't going to stop doing it and he accepted it. Of course now I wish I had listened and never started smoking! I'm 26 and I do smoke and drink in front of my parents and to be honest they would prefer me to do it in front of them rather than pretend i didn't do it at all!!
Your attitude about 'every ones doing it' is really childish though and maybe this is why your mam is the way she is? Maybe she sees you're not as grown up as you think and she worries about you.
Try talking to her though, she has to let you make your own mistakes

Kipperhell

OP
I disagree with some of the views here. Just because you live in the same house as your parents does not get them to dictate your entire life. You do have to show respect for their rules in the house however.

From what you said your mother has acted quite childishly too. Asking you to leave the room because she couldn't handle the fact you had a drink is not adult behaviour. She is perfectly capable of setting a new rule however but that won't make it any less childish.

It is simply rude not to let them know you weren't coming home and very unnecessary. I know friends that shared that would never do that let alone parent and child.

From your own description you aren't being a rebel but part of the crowd.

I don't believe all respect must be earned especially when dealing with adult children. There comes a point where the parent must respect differing opinions regardless of how they feel about the child's actions. Otherwise you will just stifling a relationship that has to grow.

You don't have to lie but you can start saying certain things are private or personal.

I don't expect it change unless you move out.

RandolphEsq

OP your mother is just protective and you are at the age where she feels she can only do so much more parenting so tries to cram all her guidance into you in the short while she has left with you (I don't mean she is going to die soon, I mean that you will be spreading your wings and flying from the nest).
Just be happy and nice to your parents and agree with them. Let them know you are alright and not getting into trouble

Miaireland

If you live in your parent's house you live by their rules. If your mother does not want you drinking in front of her then don't. Likewise if does not want you smoking in her house then don't.

I think you were totally out of order by not contacting her when you on a night out and I cannot blame her for being furious with you. It is very childish to say that you didn't want to text/phone using your ex phone. For God sake use a payphone, text one of your friends and ask them to send a text. Block your ex's number and call her. Send a text via computer when you went back to his house.

To be honest I can see why your mother sees you like a child given some of your actions.

Lollipops23

OP I'm 22 and have very laid-back parents. If I didn't come home after a night out I'd be KILLED. Honestly, my mam has told me that she doesn't go to sleep properly until I get in (and she wasn't trying to guilt-trip me, it just came up in conversation). I can't imagine how worried she'd be if I didn't come home at all.I've even rang home at 4am to tell her I'm staying at someone's place.

So, yes, she freaked about the pill. Not the first; she comes from a time when you couldn't even buy condoms in the country!!And now her teenage daughter is using it for 1 night stands?Now, I've no problem with it,heck I've done it myself, but I can understand why she'd be upset.

The smoking?Well,that's fine, if you want a litany of health problems in 15 years. And cancer:rolleyes:

The fake tan....yeah my own mammy doesn't get it either, but she wouldn't refuse to put it on me!That one's odd!But hardly the worst complaint I've heard!

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thanks to everyone for replying, didn't expect so many !! After reading through everything I just want to say a few things...

I get the impression majority of you seem to think I'm very immature which is far from the truth. I think I may have phrased my original post a bit wrong with the whole "I'm 18, I'm 18" repetitiveness.

I want to make one thing clear, I smoke when I want to smoke, I drink when I want to drink, and I don't go home with any random guy !

None of this I do as a result of peer pressure. And to everyone who keeps saying smoking is stupid at 18, what difference does age make? I've been smoking for the past 2 years, I enjoy it, I know it's bad for me and I'm trying hard to cut back but it's an addiction, not just your typical 18 year old "social smoker".

I only drink when I go out which is at most 2 nights a week and I certainly don't drink any more or less than the average teen so to the people saying I should give my parents the respect they deserve by not drinking thats ridiculous.

I do see where people are coming from though, I agree I should cut my parents some slack and learn to appreciate that they're only concerned for me but I know myself I don't need to change any of my ways and that's not me been selfish but whats wrong with just enjoying your youth once your careful - are people oblivious to this?

LegacyUser

OP again, just read through all these comments again and am beginning to feel very ashamed. As I said and I still stand by it, I don't see anything wrong with smoking, drinking, having sex. I really hand on my heart regret not phoning her to let her know I was ok. In relation to the smoking I've never once smoked in my house or even in my estate cuz I know my mum wouldn't like it so I don't know how some people jumped to the conclusion that I've been smoking in my house :S

Can I just say I feel quite embarrassed that I've come across as immature and childish and once again I'm in no way either of these things, i'm obviously just not good at expressing myself in writing!! I love my mom deeply but as a previous poster said she is extremely OTT in everyday situations, both my brothers would hands down agree with me on that so majority of the time it's very stressful living under her roof, I'd give anything to move out but unfortunatly I can't afford to..

And to the person who said I sound like a spoilt child where mommy and daddy pays for everything I'd just like to respond to that statement by saying I haven't asked my mom or dad for a cent in almost 3 years, I pay my petrol, my insurance, tax, car, nights out, clothes, absolutely everything. I worked since the age of 15 and I handed up money weekly so I'd appreciate if you wouldn't judge my whole personality based on my initial post, thanks

Lollipops23

goinginsane wrote: »

As I said and I still stand by it, I don't see anything wrong with smoking, drinking, having sex. I really hand on my heart regret not phoning her to let her know I was ok. In relation to the smoking I've never once smoked in my house or even in my estate cuz I know my mum wouldn't like it so I don't know how some people jumped to the conclusion that I've been smoking in my house :S

It's good that you're smart enough to have seen things from her perspective,and that you've taken on what some posters have said.

However, I think you need to accept that there's some things that parents will always be on our cases about (hell, my granny still gives out yards to my mam!).

Like, for instance, my step dad smokes 20 a day for the last 45 years. If I took up smoking tommorrow he would KILL me dead. Really. Because that's what mostm parents do, it's a knee jerk reaction for most of them!!

Honestly, all you can really do is not rub your lifestyle in your mam's face. It's not that hard. Just don't have preparation drinkies in your house before heading out. Don't leave your pill pack laying around your room(i did this...bad,bad idea:(:() and if you're staying out, ring home. I think you know that already though!!!

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Don't leave your pill pack laying around your room(i did this...bad,bad idea:(:() and if you're staying out, ring home. I think you know that already though!!!

haha i wont Thanks very much Time to start changing..;)

JKM

Good advice Lollipops23. A lot of it is playing the game to make both yours and your mams life easier. Everyone will be much happier, nothing more depressing than a bad atmosphere at home.

Thanks for clarifying about the money thing OP. Well done for being so financially independant, your parents should be very proud. I have to try and deal with siblings who use my parents for everything and have absolutely no cop on with money. Drives me mad, as I am like you, total opposite to my siblings.

Sounds like things should get better for you from now on. It will mostly be up to you though. Just try to see things from your mam's perspective, and remember that she cares for you. And when she's getting on your case about something just walk away rather than get in an argument.

Remember it would be so so much worse if you had a parent who didn't even care enough to give out to you. Might not seem like it now but in a few years you will really appreciate her concern.

Good Luck.

goinginsane

goinginsane wrote: »

And to the person who said I sound like a spoilt child where mommy and daddy pays for everything I'd just like to respond to that statement by saying I haven't asked my mom or dad for a cent in almost 3 years, I pay my petrol, my insurance, tax, car, nights out, clothes, absolutely everything. I worked since the age of 15 and I handed up money weekly so I'd appreciate if you wouldn't judge my whole personality based on my initial post, thanks

That isn't paying for everything, that's paying for the extras. I was paying for most of my rent, food and bills at 18. I'm not having a go here at all, I'm just saying I had a little chuckle to myself that you think you pay for 'everything'. Even the D4 girls in my college had jobs to fund their partying and cars. Even if you don't always agree with your parents' views, you are still living in their house, and presumably eating their food and so on, so I think you do have to follow their rules, contrary to what other posters have said. Not drinking in the house and not failing to call home are pretty minor things compared to fully supporting yourself while studying full time.

As I said and I still stand by it, I don't see anything wrong with smoking, drinking, having sex.

There isn't anything wrong with them per se but a little discretion goes a long way. Your mother does not need to know you're shagging your ex or pre drinking or smoking. I'm not a fan of lying, but there's no need to rub it in her face. And you definitely should not say 'my friends are all doing it' regarding these activities, because it's the most childish line in the book. Just smoke elsewhere, pre-drink elsewhere and shag elsewhere. If your mother asks where you were, tell her you stayed with a friend. She wants to know you're safe at night, but she does not need every detail of your sex life.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];62835358]Even the D4 girls in my college had jobs to fund their partying and cars[/QUOTE]

I'm far from a D4 girl but I do see your point.

[quote=[Deleted User];62835358]
Your mother does not need to know you're shagging your ex or pre drinking or smoking. I'm not a fan of lying, but there's no need to rub it in her face. And you definitely should not say 'my friends are all doing it' regarding these activities, because it's the most childish line in the book. Just smoke elsewhere, pre-drink elsewhere and shag elsewhere. If your mother asks where you were, tell her you stayed with a friend. She wants to know you're safe at night, but she does not need every detail of your sex life.[/QUOTE]

I don't think you properly read my initial post. I said I was in a friends and she turned around and said "no you weren't" (cuz she phoned my friend and he said he didn't know where I was) so I was forced to tell her that I stayed the night in my ex boyf's and then she proceeded to basically call me a tramp for staying the night with an ex.

Trust me, I'm one of the shyest girls in the world!! I'm very conservative n keep a lot to myself!! In this situation though I was caught out. It's horrible though, this all happened on sunday, tomorrow is wednesday, and my relationship with my mom has not changed, either i'm paranoid or what I don't know but I'm terrified she might have lost respect for me. So unfair cuz people in relationships keep things to themselves, I on the other hand was forced into giving every solitary detail...It's so so embarrassing, I've no privacy at all now

Overheal

goinginsane wrote: »

I want to make one thing clear, I smoke when I want to smoke, I drink when I want to drink, and I don't go home with any random guy !

None of this I do as a result of peer pressure. And to everyone who keeps saying smoking is stupid at 18, what difference does age make? I've been smoking for the past 2 years, I enjoy it, I know it's bad for me and I'm trying hard to cut back but it's an addiction, not just your typical 18 year old "social smoker".

I only drink when I go out which is at most 2 nights a week and I certainly don't drink any more or less than the average teen so to the people saying I should give my parents the respect they deserve by not drinking thats ridiculous.

Whats average anyway

Youre anonymous here so dont feel like you're on trial. I just felt as though these comments read like cop-outs though. Common cop-outs that so many people seem to fall prey to, mind you. They're seen a dozen times a month in PI alone. Average, yes. Definitely nothing exceptional about it..

You dont need to defend that position, but its worth thinking about in depth. Im glad we could give you a starting place to think from. I realize in your OP that not having a clue or a leg to stand on regarding your mother's reactions must have been frustrating to the point of tears. We all wind up there eventually.

opinion guy wrote: »

Actually I seriously doubt that. In fact wasn't there a study recently that showed that teenagers introduced to drink in the home were far less likely to beomce problem/binge drinkers

<a short google later>
Yup:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8297821.stm

Actually I have no way to refute that. My part time job at that age left me in close proximity to the pubs and the publican across the way had no bother with the arrangement. Thats the time (16/17) when I went through the OPs situation and the parents slowly agreed I was probably better off in a local after hours than down in the city up to god knows what. I just texted them when I would be heading down and texted them when i got in the door. Worked apparently, because now 22 Im not really much of a drinker at all, I'd rarely finish a bottle of beer anymore.

denhaagenite

Really glad to see you've seen some sense OP.

Still and all, you've got a very easy ride and don't forget it. Imagine if she didn't give a toss? I'm living abroad with my OH the past two years, phoned my mother three weeks ago. She said she was busy and that she'd send me a text message when it was a better time to call. I've still heard nothing.

And I wouldn't be applying anyone's fake tan either.

Really, comparing yourself to the "norm" of your peers is a bad idea. I mean this in an affectionate way, but suck it up. You'll have her worrying about you for the rest of your life you lucky duck

seraphimvc

CodeMonkey wrote: »

You don't need to drink to socialise and have a good time. If more Irish parents are like the op's then maybe this drinking culture wouldn't be as prevalent.

i have to reply this and that makes me need to say something to OP :pac:

THIS is ireland.end of story.the drinking culture here is leveled up to the degree of insanity and totally ridiculous - drinking and get locked = life.thats another story tho.

to OP,

to be fair ,Your mum still sees you as a kid in her eyes - she has to adjust her attitude to treat you as a little adult now,no need for the upset/disappointing etc really.she can sits down and talks.

you are 18 but as people had pointed that out you dont act like a mature person,from what you said is like showing that you wanna challenge the bottom line of your parents (since you knew your parents are not that open-minded)making you rebelious??thats total teenager speaking.just dont do what they dont like you to do - *whisper* do it while they are not around,here comes the responsibility tho,you will have to responsible for you did.

start consider more for the others,especially your family.be smart and play nice,be a real adult.your mum is your mum.go apologize, kid!!life is a long way to go.

edit:wops,jus saw OP latest posts,think i should adjust abit

shellyboo

goinginsane wrote: »

And to everyone who keeps saying smoking is stupid at 18, what difference does age make? I've been smoking for the past 2 years, I enjoy it, I know it's bad for me and I'm trying hard to cut back but it's an addiction, not just your typical 18 year old "social smoker".

Glad to see you've taken some points on board, OP, but seriously, smoking at 18 is really nothing less than stupid. If you were 50 and had been on 20 a day since you were a teenager, that's a habit of a lifetime, damage done, hard to break. You can't fail to know how terrible smoking is for you these days, I seriously question the motives of anyone who takes it up in this day and age.

Please, please, please cop on and quit this disgusting, harmful habit before you get really hooked. If you'd find it hard now, imagine how hard it will be in another 2 years? 5 years? 10 years?

I guarantee you if you do this one responsible thing, your parents' attitude will change as well. They'll see you have your head screwed on.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Glad to see you've taken some points on board, OP, but seriously, smoking at 18 is really nothing less than stupid. If you were 50 and had been on 20 a day since you were a teenager, that's a habit of a lifetime, damage done, hard to break. You can't fail to know how terrible smoking is for you these days, I seriously question the motives of anyone who takes it up in this day and age.

Please, please, please cop on and quit this disgusting, harmful habit before you get really hooked. If you'd find it hard now, imagine how hard it will be in another 2 years? 5 years? 10 years?

I guarantee you if you do this one responsible thing, your parents' attitude will change as well. They'll see you have your head screwed on.

Well in fairness you can't guarantee it will make any difference to her parents. and each to their own, no one is going to stop smoking unless they really want to,its hard to quit whether you've been smoking 2 years or 20, I enjoy smoking just like the op does and nothing anyone says will make me give up unless i want to!

That isn't paying for everything, that's paying for the extras. I was paying for most of my rent, food and bills at 18. I'm not having a go here at all, I'm just saying I had a little chuckle to myself that you think you pay for 'everything'.

But sure what else should she be paying for, her parents mortgage? she gives money up each week aswell as paying for all her own stuff, to be honest I don't know anyone who paid theire money each week to their parents each week and then had to but their own food and pay bills aswell, thats generally what the money they are giving is for!
I think we should cut the op some slack here

shellyboo

sfgsgsgfsd wrote: »

Well in fairness you can't guarantee it will make any difference to her parents. and each to their own, no one is going to stop smoking unless they really want to,its hard to quit whether you've been smoking 2 years or 20, I enjoy smoking just like the op does and nothing anyone says will make me give up unless i want to!

It's harder to quit when you've been smoking 20 years. It will be esier for her to stop now, that's just simple fact. And she should stop now.

sfgsgsgfsd wrote: »

But sure what else should she be paying for, her parents mortgage? she gives money up each week aswell as paying for all her own stuff, to be honest I don't know anyone who paid theire money each week to their parents each week and then had to but their own food and pay bills aswell, thats generally what the money they are giving is for!

I pay my landlord's mortgage, and then buy my own food and pay bills on top of that... that's what it means to pay for everything. If you want to live with your parents and accept their care and financial support, you have to play by their rules, it's really as simple as that.

Penn

OP, at the end of the day, its all about respect. If you show respect to your parents (not drinking in the house if they don't want you to, calling or texting to say where you are and actually tell the truth), then they'll be able to respect your decisions as a grown up.

While you may drink as much as the average person your age, your parents dont know that, and could take seeing you drinking before you go out as a bad sign.

While you've explained that you lost your phone and couldn't text your parents to say you wouldn't be home, you lied to them when questioned. If you'd told the truth, while they may have been a little angry, they could trust you more because you told the truth. Lying just makes it seem like you have something more serious to hide.

As I said, respect goes both ways. If you do as they say and respect their wishes, they can trust you more and probably won't be constantly questioning you or giving out to you, as you'll have shown that you can be responsible.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

It's harder to quit when you've been smoking 20 years. It will be esier for her to stop now, that's just simple fact. And she should stop now.

I pay my landlord's mortgage, and then buy my own food and pay bills on top of that... that's what it means to pay for everything. If you want to live with your parents and accept their care and financial support, you have to play by their rules, it's really as simple as that.

Yes but the point being she doesn't want to stop now, you're against smoking and that's fair enough but each to their own like.

You pay your landlord's mortgage, and then buy your own food and pay bills on top of that because you're obviously renting as am I but the OP isn't .But she gives her parents money each week. Everyone I know gave their parents money each week while living at home and that covered their food/bills etc. In fairness by everything I think she meant she pays for all her own stuff and doesn't take money off her parents.
I agree with paddyirishman85 in that repsect goes both ways but I also think there are some parents out there who just refuse to let their kids live their own lives!
OP try talking to your mam you never know It might just work!

Nevyn

Look when you are the eldest it's hard for htem to go ok your 18 now do what you want your an adult esp when you are still living in thier home and even more so if there are younger siblings.

It is the case that you are still a teen despite being an adult and they will be concerned for you and that the choices you are making are not good ones or damaging to your health and you are still living under thier rules while you are under thier roof.

They do need to give you more lee way but it sounds that with your behaviour and attitude they are finding it hard to be able to do so.

shellyboo

fsdfsdfsdfd wrote: »

I agree with paddyirishman85 in that repsect goes both ways but I also think there are some parents out there who just refuse to let their kids live their own lives!

If you're living with your parents you're not "living your own life", you're still a massive and significant part of THEIR life. You can't expect her parents to have woken up on her 18th birthday and go "aahhh, she's not our responsibilty anymore, phew. All that worrying disappeared." Doesn't work like that. If you choose to live at home, you are choosing to limit yourself to your parents' morals; or you are choosing to fight with your parents over their rules. Those are the options if you live at home. There's no "do what I like with no repercussions or interfering from my parents while still living with them" option. It simply does not exist.

I sypmathise with the OP to an extent, none of the things she's doing are particularly unusual, and they're nothing I wasn't doing at that age, except for the smoking - but I'd the good sense to keep it quiet and not get caught, and my parents are extremely laid-back. She can't have everything her own way, life's just not that easy. Compromise is needed.

lifelonglufc

You want you're mother to stop treating you the way shes does? (Even though I think she's spot on and has every reason to act the way she does)

Well then grow up, change you're "my friends are" attitude and come back with some maturity.

Have the maturity to talk with her about these things. If you can't talk about it, then you should not be doing it.

Maybe then she could trust you and respect boundaries that can be set.