Addicted to being a player

troubleshooter

And I dont say it as a boast, it brings me no joy, I cant commit, I leave my options open, no one seems right. I met my late wife when she was a 15 yr old virgin, our journey and connection was amazing, at 19 was a pole dancer, I loved the way guys looked at her knowing she was totally all mine in mind, body and spirit,I was in awe of her, I only had eyes or her, even now I still dream about her frequently, our connection was total. I cant replace her no matter how I try. I know some nice ladies. Im 40 btw.

Debs an ex ballerina, great body,great dancer, redhead, in her early 40s, nice person. genuine.

Kate, early 40s, met her at a dinner dance, bit like Jonna Lumley about 20 yrs ago, well to do, hunch shes having an affair with her boss, recon shes a golddigger and a player.

Julia, met her recently, at a resturant when out with friends, shes a journalist, dark, a bit goth, smokes like me, lots of coincidences, same outlook, she the kind of lady that that would sit in the front row of a boxing match and the bloodier the fight the more she would enjoy it, she intriges me. Like her sexually and her attitude.

Gabrille, meeting her for lunch, down to earth Aussie girl, who works in the health service, bit overweight, v easy to talk, at one with her totally, no subject/side of us we can not talk about. v open sexually.

I cant make my mind up, my life seems to be multiple short relationships were none satisfy me psychologically. Im not a happy bunny.

what can I do ?

jellyboy

Hi op...

Stop trying to replace what has gone....ur not a player....ur a seeker....

opinion guy

OP - I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. Sounds like you guys had the kind of connection many people only dream of.

Apart from that your post does come across a little purile. If you are not boasting I'm not sure what you are hoping to achieve by giving details of these women who could easily be reading this themselves

This being said. OP what I honestly think is that your are simply not over the death of your wife, and trying to replace her with someone is simply going to leave you empty and unfulfilled. I think best thing you could do is get some councilling to deal with her death

Gyalist

Trust me, a true player above all else is discreet. He wouldn't be posting names on a public message board.

troubleshooter

Gyalist wrote: »

Trust me, a true player above all else is discreet. He wouldn't be posting names on a public message board.

Im Irish, but dont live in Ireland, doubt any of my friends have heard of this board.

troubleshooter

opinion guy wrote: »

OP - I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. Sounds like you guys had the kind of connection many people only dream of.

Apart from that your post does come across a little purile. If you are not boasting I'm not sure what you are hoping to achieve by giving details of these women who could easily be reading this themselves

This being said. OP what I honestly think is that your are simply not over the death of your wife, and trying to replace her with someone is simply going to leave you empty and unfulfilled. I think best thing you could do is get some councilling to deal with her death

Because it seems to be taking alot of my life up, trying to keep them all sweet, means I neglect myself. Next weekend, for example, Fri night, seeing the journalist, Sat going away overnight with Oz girl, Sunday meeting the one who holds back and I recon is having an affair, its exhausting, also means Im neglecting my ballerina friend, whos really nice. No time for myself.
I dont want to let anyone down. Thats all, suppose Im just trying to fill a massive void.

pisslips

It's like your hobbie or something. I've tried meeting 3 in one weekend and it was too much effort for me, I don't know how you do it.

It would be a great way to live if you were retired or something but pretty exhausting I'd imagine. And also when things get messy again which they will invariably.

Sure I dunno what you want someone to say. keep seeing them all until you're left with one, but then she'll probably only want what you have already. The ones who want a full-time relationship will probably dissapear. Thats if you want such a thing.

Sounds like you don't want any of them really, why do you need them? you obviously enjoy the romance and the personal connection but like you don't actually like any of these women I think.

You need to be with someone who scares you a bit maybe.

ash23

Maybe you should just take a break from them all. Spend some time on your own, figure out what you do want from a partner and then start dating women again. Perhaps one at a time?

You can't give any of these women what they need when you are so unsure and definitely not when you are trying to keep them all on the go.

I don't think you're a player. I think you're stuck between feeling lonely and not being over your late wife.

If you are constantly comparing these women to your late wife you will never meet someone new. You have to take them on their own merits. You will not have the connection with them that you had with your wife. That connection is something that develops with time. And as long as you are sharing yourself between these women it is not something that will develop.

I am guessing you don't like being alone, that you are trying to fill the void left by your wife by keeping as busy as possible. However, you are keeping yourself busy in the wrong way.

You need to be able to be alone and to enjoy your own company and be happy with yourself. A woman can't do that for you. 100 women can't do that for you.
Take a break, grieve and go back to it when you aren't looking for a replica of your late wife because you will never find one.

opinion guy

yup. seems like you are trying to fill your time so you are not on your own. i imagine being on your own gives you a lot of time to think about what you have lost. but maybe you need to do that for a while. process it. apart from that there are hobbies other than dating to distract you - sports, pastimes etc etc


Edit: interestingly the ballerina one is the only one you call nice and refer to as a friend. i wonder what that means ?

ash23

opinion guy wrote: »

Edit: interestingly the ballerina one is the only one you call nice and refer to as a friend. i wonder what that means ?

The ballerina is also the one he is neglecting for the others, including the "unavailable" one.

Speaks volumes imo.

opinion guy

OP I don't particularly want to be asking you painful questions, but when did your late wife pass away ?

kittenkiller

How difficult can it be to *not* go out with someone?

Many many people go out each weekend and score someone random and just walk away!
You're messing with people's feelings (unless you've been 100% honest with all your partners, which I doubt).

You're giving *way* too much information about your partners for you not to be bragging btw.

It sees like you go involved in a serious relationship when you were very young and now you're trying to make up for lost time.

My advice would be to grow up and start acting your age.
That is if you really aren't enjoying your current lifestyle.

troubleshooter

opinion guy wrote: »

OP I don't particularly want to be asking you painful questions, but when did your late wife pass away ?

3 years.

troubleshooter

ash23 wrote: »

The ballerina is also the one he is neglecting for the others, including the "unavailable" one.

Speaks volumes imo.

Thats intresting, what does it say ?


Used to have good times with the ballerina one, then I let her down, slowly trying to build bridges, we get on really well.

troubleshooter

sunflower27 wrote: »

I agree with opinion guy about the void, OP, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you do need time to process it all and think sport or another hobby is a great idea.

You are spreading yourself thinly among these women to keep yourself busy and occupied but it's really just like band aid therapy.

I'm presuming they don't know about each other? Are you making out you are a partner to each of them? I'm sure you know that you risk hurting them.

I think you need some time on your own. There's no mad rush to meet someone.

We have fun, I have never said any of them were my girlfriend.

ash23

troubleshooter wrote: »

Thats intresting, what does it say ?


Used to have good times with the ballerina one, then I let her down, slowly trying to build bridges, we get on really well.

To me it says that you like her the best out of all of them but are still keeping her at a distance. You let her down, and pick spending time with unavailable women above spending time with her.
SHe seems to be the only one you actually have feelings for and instead of concentrating your energies on her you continue to let her down and waste your time on women with no potential for anything meaningful.

In short, you think you want commitment but you don't really.

In my opinion anyway.

Also, you say you never told any of them they were your girlfriend. But you're still being evasive about the question. Which is, do they know you are seeing other people? And if they don't, do you think they'd be ok with it if they did find out?
It's less about what you've said than what way you act.

opinion guy

I agree with Ash I think you like the ballerina more. shes the only one you seem to be attaching actual meaning to.

ok 3 years from your wifes passing. the does sound like long enouhg to be dating all right - but really, only if you have properly dealt with her death.

Hmmm something else occurs to me prompted by what ash has just said. Could it be that you have a straightforward commitment issue for fear of being left again ? Ok I know your wife didn't leave you in the break up sense, but death also a form of leaving isn't it? Coudln't it be that, whilst on the one hand you want to have something and want to find someone and have all the stuff that is good about that, but on the other hand your terrified that if you let someone in again you might find yourself being "left" again in one way or another ?

troubleshooter

ash23 wrote: »

To me it says that you like her the best out of all of them but are still keeping her at a distance. You let her down, and pick spending time with unavailable women above spending time with her.
SHe seems to be the only one you actually have feelings for and instead of concentrating your energies on her you continue to let her down and waste your time on women with no potential for anything meaningful.

In short, you think you want commitment but you don't really.

In my opinion anyway.

Also, you say you never told any of them they were your girlfriend. But you're still being evasive about the question. Which is, do they know you are seeing other people? And if they don't, do you think they'd be ok with it if they did find out?
It's less about what you've said than what way you act.

Tbh, Ive got a big ego, Im always looking out for that red hot 21 year old and I aint going to be content till I find her and win her heart.

ash23

troubleshooter wrote: »

Tbh, Ive got a big ego, Im always looking out for that red hot 21 year old and I aint going to be content till I find her and win her heart.

Well dude, you're doomed in that case. Because it's not going to happen. You're 40. Unless you're minted and she's a gold digger it is highly unlikely any hot, 21 year old red head, brunette or blonde is going to want you.

Either accept that and start looking at this realistically or carry on as you are.

daisybelle2008

Big egos need big feeding and usually mask emotional immaturity.

Centered people with a good sense of themselves rarely have big egos.

You describe women almost like commoditys. Your description of your deceased wife as a virgin/poledancer was totally unnecessary to this thread. And I find it distasteful.

As long as you see women in these terms really you are going to hurt people (and yourself), you already say you hurt 'the ballerina'.

I have read your other threads and not sure what advise you are looking for. You got the same advise in them.

If you have decided that it is a 'hot 21 year old' you are looking for, then knock yourself out and stop wasting time with women who are not in that age bracket.

I am sure there are women who fit your criteria. Don't be wasting time and energy on these women that are not fitting your bill. It is unfair to them. Hold out for the 21 year old your big ego needs.

I really feel you may be trolling but sorry if you are genuine and lost a wife.

kittenkiller

troubleshooter wrote: »

Tbh, Ive got a big ego, Im always looking out for that red hot 21 year old and I aint going to be content till I find her and win her heart.

But you wrote of the connection you had with your late wife so fondly, would you not prefer to have this sort of relationship with someone instead of just some random young hottie?

To me, your attitude seems seriously messed up!

What exactly is your personal issue?
You see happy to play the field until the 21 year old hottie is within your grasp... but why are you bothering with the other women (I' presuming that none of them fit the bill) if that's what you want?

kenbrady

troubleshooter wrote: »

I cant make my mind up, my life seems to be multiple short relationships were none satisfy me psychologically. Im not a happy bunny.

You're not a player, players go after and get woman that they want, you just seem to take any that will go out with you.

The problem is not the woman here it's you. You need to take some time out and find out who you are a person at this moment in your life. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
A partner should complement and increase your happiness not be the only thing to make you happy.

opinion guy

troubleshooter wrote: »

Tbh, Ive got a big ego, Im always looking out for that red hot 21 year old and I aint going to be content till I find her and win her heart.

See there's that purile side coming out again.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You describe women almost like commoditys. Your description of your deceased wife as a virgin/poledancer was totally unnecessary to this thread. And I find it distasteful.

+1. hence my purile comment in the first place

kenbrady wrote: »

You're not a player, players go after and get woman that they want, you just seem to take any that will go out with you.

Also +1.


To be perfectly honest part of me is wondering - last time you were single you were 15, you are still thinking about dating like a 15 year old. You had an amazing journey with your wife, but now that she is sadly passed on, you are reverting to the dating mentality and tactics you had last time you were single. You never had the late teens and twenties dating experience that builds a sophisticated view and attitude.

troubleshooter

opinion guy wrote: »

See there's that purile side coming out again.


+1. hence my purile comment in the first place



Also +1.


To be perfectly honest part of me is wondering - last time you were single you were 15, you are still thinking about dating like a 15 year old. You had an amazing journey with your wife, but now that she is sadly passed on, you are reverting to the dating mentality and tactics you had last time you were single. You never had the late teens and twenties dating experience that builds a sophisticated view and attitude.

Really, heres my dating techniqiue, obviously you know alot more. I was a streetwise 19 yr old when I met my wife.


Heres how you get in someones head, syncronise.

sweep them off their feet, come on strong, appear to be their soulmate, mirror their values, intrests, bodylanguage, attitudes, taste, habbit and ambitions,be comforting and generous emotionally.

Talk calmly, develop a confident reassuring voive,change topics smoothly, not dis-joined,dont ask to many questions, relate to what they say and connect with it, lots of eye contact, triangle gaze them, gaze over their shoulder then into their eyes, when they say something you approve of reward them with touch, arm, shoulder etc, when they say something nice to you, award them with eye contact or touch, dont boast in any way, be modest and humble/innocent, dont talk materialism, it projects insecurity,use their name alot, finish on a postive. Put different aftershave on both wrists ask what they prefer in a flirty way, it creates a postive subconscious link to you.

Make them feel good when they are around you, your creating a peak experience, by the above, around you, it takes confidence and charisma, thats something you cant really manufacture. But most of all project INTEGRITY, its v important.

Let them do the talking, listern , boost their egos.

troubleshooter

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Big egos need big feeding and usually mask emotional immaturity.

Centered people with a good sense of themselves rarely have big egos.

You describe women almost like commoditys. Your description of your deceased wife as a virgin/poledancer was totally unnecessary to this thread. And I find it distasteful.

As long as you see women in these terms really you are going to hurt people (and yourself), you already say you hurt 'the ballerina'.

I have read your other threads and not sure what advise you are looking for. You got the same advise in them.

If you have decided that it is a 'hot 21 year old' you are looking for, then knock yourself out and stop wasting time with women who are not in that age bracket.

I am sure there are women who fit your criteria. Don't be wasting time and energy on these women that are not fitting your bill. It is unfair to them. Hold out for the 21 year old your big ego needs.

I really feel you may be trolling but sorry if you are genuine and lost a wife.

Why is saying when I met my wife she was a virgin and later a pole dancer distasteful ?

Whats the problem with pole dancers ?

troubleshooter

ash23 wrote: »

Well dude, you're doomed in that case. Because it's not going to happen. You're 40. Unless you're minted and she's a gold digger it is highly unlikely any hot, 21 year old red head, brunette or blonde is going to want you.

Either accept that and start looking at this realistically or carry on as you are.

Its deeper that, I was rejected by my mother, for her violent abusive alchoholic boyfriend and grew up in care. My wife had a similar background hence the connection, she had no one in the world, I felt like I was her guardian.

I pull women and get them to fall for me then dump then, its like I need to know they want me, its like subconsciouisly Im proving a point.

ash23

Well, wouldn't counselling for all of these issues be a better focus for your energies than messing women around?

Work on yourself, your issues about women and maybe when you're in a better place you'll meet someone.

kenbrady

troubleshooter wrote: »

Really, heres my dating techniqiue, obviously you know alot more. I was a streetwise 19 yr old when I met my wife.


Heres how you get in someones head, syncronise.

sweep them off their feet, come on strong, appear to be their soulmate, mirror their values, intrests, bodylanguage, attitudes, taste, habbit and ambitions,be comforting and generous emotionally.

Talk calmly, develop a confident reassuring voive,change topics smoothly, not dis-joined,dont ask to many questions, relate to what they say and connect with it, lots of eye contact, triangle gaze them, gaze over their shoulder then into their eyes, when they say something you approve of reward them with touch, arm, shoulder etc, when they say something nice to you, award them with eye contact or touch, dont boast in any way, be modest and humble/innocent, dont talk materialism, it projects insecurity,use their name alot, finish on a postive. Put different aftershave on both wrists ask what they prefer in a flirty way, it creates a postive subconscious link to you.

Make them feel good when they are around you, your creating a peak experience, by the above, around you, it takes confidence and charisma, thats something you cant really manufacture. But most of all project INTEGRITY, its v important.

Let them do the talking, listern , boost their egos.

troubleshooter wrote: »

I pull women and get them to fall for me then dump then, its like I need to know they want me, its like subconsciouisly Im proving a point.

You need to find out what is making you so insecure and why you need to find validation in lots of woman. Identify the issues you have and then try and work on them. You do that, hopefully you will be happy someday.

kittenkiller

troubleshooter wrote: »

Its deeper that, I was rejected by my mother, for her violent abusive alchoholic boyfriend and grew up in care. My wife had a similar background hence the connection, she had no one in the world, I felt like I was her guardian.

I pull women and get them to fall for me then dump then, its like I need to know they want me, its like subconsciouisly Im proving a point.

Well if that's the case I suggest therapy as nothing else is really going to change you.
Although if you're so smooth, I don't know why you'd want to change...

I'd also suggest that you stop posting a thread whenever you get laid asking for advise/opinions regarding your "dilemma" and then ignoring the replies you get.
You should look back on all the threads you've started and see how many of them are about your troubles with the ladies, and also reflect on how much of the advice you've taken on board!

opinion guy

troubleshooter wrote: »

I pull women and get them to fall for me then dump then, its like I need to know they want me, its like subconsciouisly Im proving a point.

I haven't seen any of your previous threads.
What is it you actually want from us here ?
You looking for validation from us too, since you don't seem to be getting whatever it is you are looking for from your wimmins ?

troubleshooter

opinion guy wrote: »

I haven't seen any of your previous threads.
What is it you actually want from us here ?
You looking for validation from us too, since you don't seem to be getting whatever it is you are looking for from your wimmins ?

Advice, weather you reply, which you and kitten killer have is your perogative, if you dont like the thread why post ?

Sounds Im actually triggering deeper insecurities in you my friend, whats wrong, why the need to be confrontational ? Jealous ?

troubleshooter

kittenkiller wrote: »

Well if that's the case I suggest therapy as nothing else is really going to change you.
Although if you're so smooth, I don't know why you'd want to change...

I'd also suggest that you stop posting a thread whenever you get laid asking for advise/opinions regarding your "dilemma" and then ignoring the replies you get.
You should look back on all the threads you've started and see how many of them are about your troubles with the ladies, and also reflect on how much of the advice you've taken on board!

Every ones on a journey my friend, even you dipping your hob knobs in your coffee before you go to bed dreaming of that hunk on that dating site, who ticks all the boxes, but is out of your league(me, ha). Advice is welcome,BUT no need to sound bitter my friend, I am not the enemy, Im not that guy Once got in your head and dumped you.

I take on advice, its all about working out/reconcilling our issues it takes time. We all want to be whole, be loved and love, we are all on a healing journey......I am not the enemy.

kittenkiller

troubleshooter wrote: »

Every ones on a journey my friend, even you dipping your hob knobs in your coffee before you go to bed dreaming of that hunk on that dating site(me, ha), who ticks all the boxes, but is out of your league. Advice is welcome,BUT no need to sound bitter my friend, I am not the enemy, Im not that guy Once got in your head and dumped you.

I take on advice, its all about working out/reconcilling our issues it takes time.

My original reply was an attempt to help.
Subsequent ones were out a frustration mostly.

You seem to have gotten boards.ie confused with some sort of blog but to a larger audience.
There's no need to get tetchy with opinion guy or me, we're just online wasting time like anyone else.

Unfortunately if you think you know your lucky partners as well as you do the posters on this site, I feel you may not have the dilemmas that you post here about...
Quite the opposite.

I can state as fact, however that you are in no way out of my league!
An old man with a sh1t load of baggage and the expectation that his partners need to be lapdancers in order to win his heart?
Sounds like the internet has done you a favour, you can now try to work your magic on people who can't see how old, desperate and sleazy you present yourself as being on here, as well and research pulling techniques.

If you'd like, I could help you set up a proper blog if you feel it would help you with your issues?

troubleshooter

I can state as fact, however that you are in no way out of my league!


.................Wou, you are so insecure and your bitterness is obviously borne out of disappointment, I hope you heal.

kenbrady

troubleshooter wrote: »

Sounds Im actually triggering deeper insecurities in you my friend, whats wrong, why the need to be confrontational ? Jealous ?

Nobody is jealous of you, you are clearly unhappy and a lost sole.

troubleshooter wrote: »

if you dont like the thread why post ?

People are trying to help you, they see your unhappiness and want to give you some assistance. This is done because they are good people or they pity you.

troubleshooter wrote: »

Every ones on a journey my friend, even you dipping your hob knobs in your coffee before you go to bed dreaming of that hunk on that dating site, who ticks all the boxes, but is out of your league(me, ha). Advice is welcome,BUT no need to sound bitter my friend, I am not the enemy, Im not that guy Once got in your head and dumped you.

I take on advice, its all about working out/reconcilling our issues it takes time. We all want to be whole, be loved and love, we are all on a healing journey......I am not the enemy.

You think you can get into people heads and influence them, you have no power over anyone. You can't even get inside your own head and work on your own problems.

I think you are reaching out for help by staring these threads. If you want people to help you, you need to admit your issues and start a thread on that.
Look under the personal issues thread for links to professional help. You don't have relationship issues, you have serious personal issues.

opinion guy

troubleshooter wrote: »

Advice, weather you reply, which you and kitten killer have is your perogative, if you dont like the thread why post ?

Sounds Im actually triggering deeper insecurities in you my friend, whats wrong, why the need to be confrontational ? Jealous ?

No my friend just trying to help you. I'm not judging cause i haven't seen any of the other threads. But i am asking you what is it you are hoping to achieve, because i'm not sure and that makes it hard to help you.

Hmmm lets try another approach. Why don't you tell us about your wife ? You were together for almost 20 years yes ? What did you guys like to do together ? What were her qualities you loved ? What did she bring to your life that is now missing ? How did you feel when you were with her ? What about kids ? you guys didn't have kids I'm guessing ? Did you want to ?

Silverfish

troubleshooter, I'm not sure you know how PI works.

Since I don't think this is your first thread on this issue and all the previous ones ended similarly to this one, I'm closing it.