My friend's girlfriend & me!

Nozebleed

Ok...not sure if i should post this here but im gona!
A good friend of mine has been seeing a really nice polish girl for the last 16 months or so and she said something to me today that kinda pissed me (& her) off. Since they've been going out myself and herself have struck up a friendship..we get on well, similar humour and what have you..we meet up for coffee every other day,hang out on days off,i drive so if she wants do do stuff im not working at the minute so we go do stuff..ikea for example! to be honest she dosn't have many friends here..they've all gone home in recent months so im kinda filling the void. its all pretty normal i think..just being friendly..i must stress that there's nothing physical going on,neither of us are thinking that way..we're just buddies! to be honest she's my first female buddy! sounds sad maybe but i think its quite funny..:) anyway today she told me her boyfriend let rip at her after we were all out last weekend, he was locked,pretty aggressive,a paranoid braindead rant about her friendship with me..he pretty much told her not to be texting me anymore!! she didnt go into much detail but i'd say there has to be more and she dosn't want to talk about it. I find it really sad..very immature in fact. We're all in our early 30's!! im shocked how fcukin stupid it is in fact..but im wondering should i say anything to him? should i just stop hanging out with her,maybe find a new friend!

Slugs

Is he your mate as well? You've only explained your relationship with her, what's the relationship with him?

SoWatchaWant

Well... this is what I think.

The guy obviously doesn't trust either of you to keep it in your pants, so to speak. This means he needs to learn a little about being a friend, and being a boyfriend.

So I'd confront him. No friendship, even a mediocre one, should be displaced because of his own insecurities, to my mind. Let him know that he can grin and bear it or throw in the towel to your friendship. I'd take quality over quantity, friends-wise.

That, or you can stop texting her if you want a quick fix. Do what you feel!

Hope I've helped.

Black Swan

Your mate is feeling like a love triangle exists between him, her and you? Real or unreal, it can be deadly for friendships.

stripysocks85

How are you getting to spend so much time with her? What is he doing? If you're spending "every other day" going for coffee, and spending "all of last weekend" with her, then I can understand where he's coming from [although he may not have approached things in the correct way].

To be honest, he may be feeling quite put out, and almost a 3rd wheel in the relationship. You don't say anything about their relationship, but you're spending a hell of a lot of time with her, which doesn't leave as much time for him I suppose.

He may be a little frustrated, a little paranoid that you're going to 'steal' her away from him - perhaps not true, but I must admit, if my friend was spending that much time with my boyfriend, I'd find it a little odd to be honest.

I understand you have a friendship with her, and you shouldn't have to avoid meeting her, or doing things that friends do, but maybe include him in the coffee meetings and the weekends so it's not just the two of you?

As it appears, YOU seem to be behaving more like a boyfriend than he is.

Nozebleed

sorry i forgot to add that me and my mate are life long friends..we've had plenty of arguments down the years..as friends do,but nothing serious..mostly drunken verbal. i dont know what to do now...i know the guy 30 years..it upsets me to think he doesn't trust me.. she also asked me not to say anything..which makes it a bit of a tricky situation. man i cant believe he dosn't trust me...fckin prick.

to be fair we're not hanging out every evening! i do get to see her 3/4 times a week...she works local so we meet up for coffee every other day..we live a couple of doors away and sure when she's got a day off work..she'll text me..or if she's walking the dog she'll ask me to go along if my mate's not home from town(work)..

stripysocks85

Maybe it's her he doesn't trust, which is a different issue entirely.

If you know him this long, but the girl only a couple of months, you must decide which is of more importance. Maybe you shouldn't have to choose, but maybe take a back seat for a while. She shouldn't be asking you to keep quiet about comments she's making on the sly either. It's not fair.

princess-lala

Very insecure guy if ya ask me

MPB

I've seen this before and the common denominator was the girl in the middle. She too was polish. It ended badly and one guy lost his gf and the other guy lost two friends. In my opinion no girl is worth losing a friendship over.

princess-lala

MPB wrote: »

I've seen this before and the common denominator was the girl in the middle. She too was polish. It ended badly and one guy lost his gf and the other guy lost two friends. In my opinion no girl is worth losing a friendship over.

Totally agree with you!

Partners come and go but friends will always be there for you

Silverfish

Moved from tLL

Sinall

It's nice that you have found a female buddy. But you say you and this guy have been life long friends. Ask yourself if you were going out with a girl would you be comfortable with this situation in reverse - ie, if your girlfriend were hanging out with your mate 3/4 times a week.

Sometimes couples have problems. Sometimes couple have arguments. It's pretty much par for the course, couples will have issues of contention. Nobody is perfect, sometimes people lose their tempers when they shouldn't - and they will work through this in their own time, in private. Okay, maybe he shouldn't have been cross with her, but you don't know both sides of the story, you probably don't even know a quarter of their thoughts/feelings/actions/conversations/intimacies, or any of the other millions of little things that make up a relationship. And the two of them are in the relationship, not you. Step back in this instance, it's their relationship, not yours, let them sort it out. Try to be friends with both of them. If you intervene here you might lose them both.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you should back off a bit. Sure its all innocent but humans are hard wired to be concerned about this kind of friendship so rightly or wrongly its causing him a lot of hurt.

Imagine it from his point of view. You're his lifelong friend, if he has some typical relationship issue, serious or trivial, he can't talk to you about it now because you might discuss it with her.

There's also the fact that his friends/family might think there's something going on between you two, that's quite humiliating for him to have to deal with even if there is nothing going on.

If they broke up there's also the issue that you'd still know her and they'd end up having to see each other. Or worse you'd have to choose between them.

By 30, you should know what your at OP.

Fuk sake, if you can't see how that would wreck his head, then you're a bad bad friend to have.
Fair enough in college when everyone knows everyone but by 30, there is no reason in the world for your best female friend to be your mates girlfriend.

If you respect him, stay away from her. It sounds like you fancy her to be honest and if I was the boyfriend, you'd be frozen out long ago.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I think you should back off a bit. Sure its all innocent but humans are hard wired to be concerned about this kind of friendship so rightly or wrongly its causing him a lot of hurt.

Completely agree. Hes afraid feelings will develop which is probably inevitable if you spend that much time together. Like come on, could you imagine not being pissed off with your girlfriend having alone time with one of your friends nearly every day of the week? Dont tell me you wouldn't be suspicious like ffs.

There's also the fact that his friends/family might think there's something going on between you two, that's quite humiliating for him to have to deal with even if there is nothing going on.

Exactly, it must be absolutely humiliating for him. I had a friend who was good friends with my girlfriend (but not meeting her 4 times a week, much less!) and the whispers behind my back drove me absolutely demented. It is really, really embarassing and really gets you down

King of Kings

you don't know what she said to him - for all you know she prob has been banging on to him how great you are etc....he prob heard enough about you cos i'm sure when you spend every second day with her she has loads of stories to tell him,.

Also I do think it's odd you seem to spend so much time with her.

SarahSassy

OP, at your age you should know that you are over stepping the boundaries here... Meeting her for coffee all the time - whats your true motivation?

spockety

Nozebleed wrote: »

its all pretty normal i think..just being friendly..i must stress that there's nothing physical going on,neither of us are thinking that way..we're just buddies! to be honest she's my first female buddy! sounds sad maybe but i think its quite funny..:)

It sounds like you're looking for some reassurance here that, hey, this is all pretty normal and funky and cool!

It's not. I don't think you really believe the sentence that you typed either. "I think it's quite funny"..? Funny how?

Have a bit of respect for your mate, ditch the relationship that you have with his partner before it goes too far, which it will if she's as willing as I reckon you are from looking behind your words.

Total blackout. Stop the texts, stop calling, stop meeting. If you ever see her it should be in the presence of her partner, your mate. He's being totally reasonable and you should be grateful that he hasn't taken you up on it yet.

I can't believe you even had to ask. That is totally inappropriate.

Overheal

SarahSassy wrote: »

OP, at your age you should know that you are over stepping the boundaries here... Meeting her for coffee all the time - whats your true motivation?

I have to agree. Its hard to imagine youve been this personal with her and not had the thought cross your mind. a lot. and you do go a long way in your OP to try and deny that. If it was completely innocent I dont think you would need outside counsel, tbph.

jenny2hat

He sounds jealous and paranoid.
Maybe ask him how he feels about it. Then explain you're strictly just close friends.

whatdoicare

Her Boyfriend needs to get with reality- most of my good friends are male as I studied and work in a 98% male dominated career. I have to travel with these colleagues too! My fella doesn't even bat an eyelid -because we have this thing called trust.
He also has plenty of female friends. I'd never in a million years think that he's cheat on me!
He really needs to grow up or else stop reading those tabloid magazines.

spockety

Ah, naivety enters the thread.

Answer me this, do you think that people who have been cheated on by their partners were in trusting relationships? I bet they were, right up until the moment they found out what their partner had been doing behind their back.

Trust is a strong human trait, but it's nowhere near as strong as lust.

Are platonic relationships possible between a man and a woman? Yes.

Read the original post though, read between the lines. It's blindingly obvious where it's going, at least for the OP, whatever about his friends partner.

whatdoicare

spockety wrote: »

Ah, naivety enters the thread.

Answer me this, do you think that people who have been cheated on by their partners were in trusting relationships? I bet they were, right up until the moment they found out what their partner had been doing behind their back.

Trust is a strong human trait, but it's nowhere near as strong as lust.

Are platonic relationships possible between a man and a woman? Yes.

Read the original post though, read between the lines. It's blindingly obvious where it's going, at least for the OP, whatever about his friends partner.

I know that most who end up in that situation already have something wrong in their relationship before the third person even came along, they just didn't admit it to themselves.
If they aren't getting along together as BF and GF and she's getting on better with the OP, then she obviously is looking for an excuse to move on.
Noone is forcing her to cheat no matter what the OPs feelings towards her are. If she realises that they've crossed a boundary and doesn't feel the need to cut it off for the sake of her relationship, then it's quite clear she doesn't really want to make her fella a priority.
Please don't call me naivee, you don't even know me.

spockety

whatdoicare wrote: »

I know that most who end up in that situation already have something wrong in their relationship before the third person even came along, they just didn't admit it to themselves.
If they aren't getting along together as BF and GF and she's getting on better with the OP, then she obviously is looking for an excuse to move on.
Noone is forcing her to cheat no matter what the OPs feelings towards her are. If she realises that they've crossed a boundary and doesn't feel the need to cut it off for the sake of her relationship, then it's quite clear she doesn't really want to make her fella a priority.
Please don't call me naivee, you don't even know me.

I didn't call you naive, but I feel your view was naive yes.

The main thing to remember is that this isn't just some woman who is already going out with somebody, she is going out with one of his best mates.

If he values his mate at all, he should walk away from this relationship he has with his partner. Issues of trust/jealousy etc are a problem that his mate will have to work out with his partner, it's none of the OPs business. He should respect his mate and walk away.

whatdoicare

spockety wrote: »

The main thing to remember is that this isn't just some woman who is already going out with somebody, she is going out with one of his best mates.

Good friend not best. Like it says in his first post.

If he values his mate at all, he should walk away from this relationship he has with his partner. Issues of trust/jealousy etc are a problem that his mate will have to work out with his partner, it's none of the OPs business. He should respect his mate and walk away.

Like I said in my last post- doesn't matter what the OP thinks or feels or wants to do- this is between the friend and his girl to work out (so I agree with you there). If the girl didn't want to be in this situation in the first place, she wouldn't be.

Overheal

So, if she was all over the OP that would make it right?

OP needs to set his values and priorities straight here a moment. If he cares enough for his friend he will stop hanging out with the girlfriend. If he doesnt care by all means enjoy the age of sexual liberation and all that crap. Dont expect the friend to be on happy terms with you though.

whatdoicare

Overheal wrote: »

So, if she was all over the OP that would make it right?

OP needs to set his values and priorities straight here a moment. If he cares enough for his friend he will stop hanging out with the girlfriend. If he doesnt care by all means enjoy the age of sexual liberation and all that crap. Dont expect the friend to be on happy terms with you though.

That's not even close to what I said.
I said- if she's doing this, then she already wants to break up with her fella.
If he can't trust her now at this point, then that relationship is already over, they're just dragging it out to a painful conclusion.
The friendship part is up to the OP- if he really was his friend he wouldn't have even met that girl without his pal there in the first place.

In my first post I said if the relationship is working then this situation wouldn't even be questioned- the BF and GF already know it's ending and have dragged the OP into their break-up.

Vasco

If I was your mate I would be very freaked at you. I would think: why can't you get your own girlfriend? my mate is a creep!!!!

Moomoo1

I think your friend is being very unreasonable here

Ickle Magoo

OP, Ditch your male friend, either way.

Seriously, if after 16 months the only way to convince your pal that his girlfriend isn't about to jump into bed with you is to stop speaking to her, is he worth it?!

Most perfectly happy relationships have platonic friendships, if your friend views your friendship with his girl as a threat then he's insecure and his relationship with the girl isn't great - nothing more.

You can feed into this insecurity by cutting ties & trying to convince your friend that as his girlfriend has no male friends she cannot be tempted or you can try to let him see how futile & unattractive that argument always is.

martdalto

whatdoicare wrote: »

Her Boyfriend needs to get with reality- most of my good friends are male as I studied and work in a 98% male dominated career. I have to travel with these colleagues too! My fella doesn't even bat an eyelid -because we have this thing called trust.
He also has plenty of female friends. I'd never in a million years think that he's cheat on me!
He really needs to grow up or else stop reading those tabloid magazines.

That's all fine - we all have friends or colleagues of the opposite sex, but do you have 1 male friend who you meet 3 or 4 times a week? Who you go for coffee with every second day and go for walks with?

Does your fella have 1 particular female friend that he spends this much time with?

I think no matter how solid a relationship - and how much trust is there, this sort of carry on would cause some degree of trouble in ANY relationship.

Ickle Magoo

It would cause an issue with anyone who had insecurity and trust issues. If the only thing stopping someone cheating is the lack of opportunity, that doesn't say much for them or their relationship.

martdalto

Ah look, maybe it's not about cheating or the opportunity or whatever, but I think it might just come down to the amount of time they spend together.

I'm early 30's. I have a best friend.. we don't spend that amount of time together, and I think if we did we'd soon get sick of each other, or run out of things to talk about.

I do think there's more to this from the OP's pov than he's letting on, and that's possibly what his friend is picking up on. Or maybe there's more to it from her pov, and she is rubbing her bf's face in it??

OP, have you ever devoted so much time to a male "buddy"?

Ickle Magoo

I'm early 30's too. My husbands best friend pops in for coffee & visa versa; are we having an affair? Do we secretly harbour some lusty desire for one another? Or are we great friends because we were thrown together from a mutual affection for the same person and we get on really well?

I don't think there should be a particular time frame in which they can be friends and any more constitutes a threat to his friends relationship - if any partner of mine started dictating who & how much time I could spend with other people - of either sex - they'd be given the heave-ho pretty sharpish. Within a relationship you either accept your partner has chosen you as a mate until they tell you otherwise or you recognize you don't trust that your friend or your partner won't be in each others pants as soon as you are looking the other way - not good.

I don't think justifying insecurity and paranoia with assumptions about peoples motivation for being friends is a very healthy road to go down, I've seen more friendships and relationships destroyed by jealousy and insecurity than unfaithfulness.

NickNolte

OP - despite the liberal nature and idiocy of some of the replies here, what you're doing is completely inappropriate. It's not normal for a man in his 30's to spend 3 or 4 days a week meeting his friend's other half.

Find yourself a girlfriend.

NickNolte

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

My husbands best friend pops in for coffee & visa versa; are we having an affair? Do we secretly harbour some lusty desire for one another? Or are we great friends because we were thrown together from a mutual affection for the same person and we get on really well?

Do you spend 3 or 4 days a week with him, going for coffee, going to Ikea and basically have the same relationship with him as you do with your husband?

Would you be happy if your husband started spending more time with another woman than he does with you? Be honest now!

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I've seen more friendships and relationships destroyed by jealousy and insecurity than unfaithfulness.

I've seen a lot more relationships break up because of unfaithfulness myself.

Ickle Magoo

NickNolte wrote: »

Do you spend 3 or 4 days a week with him, going for coffee, going to Ikea and basically have the same relationship with him as you do with your husband?

No amount of time I spend with someone would give them the same relationship with me as I have with my husband, that's just silly. I don't spend three or four days a week with anyone but my family these days - but before I was married I shared a flat with four guys, I worked with 3 other guys, two of my best mates are blokes...did my o/h have an issue with any of that? No.

NickNolte wrote: »

Would you be happy if your husband started spending more time with another woman than he does with you? Be honest now!

If he suddenly started wanting to spend significant amounts of time with anyone else I wouldn't be happy, no but the OP hasn't just struck up a relationship with this girl, he's known her as long as his mate.

NickNolte wrote: »

I've seen a lot more relationships break up because of unfaithfulness myself.

I can't argue that obviously, I can only comment from my own perspective. Insecurity has to be one of the least attractive traits to exhibit. People don't cheat unless they want to, not because someone spends time with them or someone propositions them or even because someone fancies them, they cheat because they want to.

JonathanAnon

By spending soooo much time with your friend's girlfriend you are asking for trouble. There is nothing wrong with it morally or ethically, but it will only lead to trouble.

RealistSpy

As the above poster said. It does seem weird.

Stones85

OP you're the only one being a príck.

Get your own life and girlfriend.

Cabbage Brained

I can't believe people think the OP is in the wrong! This guy's gf is in a foreign country and doesn't know many people, and he doesn't want her to form a friendship with somebody he has known for 30 years?!

I think it is unbelievably selfish of him to let his insecurities get in the way of his girlfriend's happiness.

Bottle_of_Smoke

whatdoicare wrote: »

Her Boyfriend needs to get with reality- most of my good friends are male as I studied and work in a 98% male dominated career. I have to travel with these colleagues too! My fella doesn't even bat an eyelid -because we have this thing called trust.
He also has plenty of female friends. I'd never in a million years think that he's cheat on me!
He really needs to grow up or else stop reading those tabloid magazines.

That's different. The men you are friends with aren't your partner's good mates.

If the OP came on here telling this same story but he didn't know the boyfriend I wouldn't tell him to back off.

martdalto

OP, how would you fell if it was your girlfriend (if you had one) spending so much time with your mate??

Maybe you both need to sit down with him and reassure him that there's nothing going on. You don't know what is going on in their relationship and what she says to him about you.

XarcherX

i think you should back off a bit, your best friend is obviously not happy about the amount of time your spending with his girlfriend so you should respect his wishes. You don't have to completely ignore the girl but she's His girlfriend - put yourself in his shoes, you probably wouldn't like it either.

Cabbage Brained

Cabbage Brained wrote: »

I can't believe people think the OP is in the wrong! This guy's gf is in a foreign country and doesn't know many people, and he doesn't want her to form a friendship with somebody he has known for 30 years?!

I think it is unbelievably selfish of him to let his insecurities get in the way of his girlfriend's happiness.

And back to the real world...

People do have insecurities and friends should respect them. It's not selfish, it's just life and how we get through it.

In my opinion.

shellyboo

If my partner was spending more time with my best friend than me, I would not be pleased. Call it jealousy, call it possessiveness, call it insecurity - call it what you like, but just no. Not cool at all. It would feel like a betrayal from my friend as well, tbh.

Moomoo1

but think of it from the point of view of the girl.

why should she lose friends just because her boyfriend doesn't like them?

suspectpackage

Well she could lose the boyfriend or keep the friend. Its up to her. The boyfriend has already told her what the story is and I'm sure if the OP and the gf keep it up, she'll get her marching orders and she and the OP can have all the coffee in the world.

The OP has a crush on the girl in question.

He forgot to write that part.

Moomoo1

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but think of it from the point of view of the girl.

why should she lose friends just because her boyfriend doesn't like them?

That's a completely different scenario to the one presented by the OP.

spockety

The OP has a crush on the girl in question.

He forgot to write that part.

No he did write that alright, just a lot of people here couldn't find it in his post even though it's glaringly obvious if you look closely enough. This is an open and shut case.