Dumped by mistress

LegacyUser

Just looking for some advice not a lecture

I'm a 37 yr old man, married, 5 kids. Been seeing a young woman for the past two years. Not proud of it but what can I say.

She's 25 and I have always known that she would one day pull the pin on us so its been there in the back of my head since the get go but earlier this week she rang me to say that she had met some bloke and was keen to make a go of it with him so that meant me and her as we were had to end

I know and accept her decision but since her call I've been feeling totally depressed. She's a great girl and deserves a nice guy to take care of her I know all that but I feel like the only good thing in my life is now gone

My wife is a great woman but with 5 kids we dont have any time for ourselves and the sex side of things just isnt what it used to be. Even when we have time to ourselves I just dont get turned on by my wife anymore. She's my age and 5 kids takes its toll on the body, she just cant compare. She's a wonderful mum but I need someone just for me.

Dont even know why I'm posting , you'll all rip me to shreads but the depression is starting to become obvious. Wife asked me what was the matter last night and she knows something is up.

Wibbs

OK folks, I get that this is a contentious subject and situation, so leave high horses at home please Try and have some insight and not just fall back on mock horror and "ripping him to shreds". Do that and bannings will happen. Only warning so measured advice please. Thanks

eviltwin

Forget her or try too. Put the time you now have on your hands to invest in your relationship with your wife.

LegacyUser

I dont agree with Eviltwin. i think if you are not physically into your wife then all you are doing is torturing everyone by staying put....it is not fair on her, you or the kids really. Will you ever be into her? probably not at this stage and is it worth it if it is forced?
you would never know, your wife could well feel the same way about you!

Emme

I'm glad your mistress put herself first and has found a nice guy. All you can do is try to get over it and make a go of things with your wife again. She gave you 5 children, it's the least you can do. Unlike your mistress, your wife is not in a position to up and walk away from you. When you've gotten over your mistress how about getting marriage counselling for yourself and your wife? Obviously she doesn't need to know that you have been having an affair for the past two years.

You say you need someone just for you, your wife also needs somebody just for her. You are married to each other so it's a no brainer really! If she had a bit more time to herself and help looking after the 5 children she would have more time to look after herself, go to the gym and get into shape for her own sake and the benefits would spill over into your marriage as well.

Babooshka

Lostman it sounds like you need to get some help for your own sake.
5 children is a big responsibility, and your wife needs you to at least be a dad to your kids, even if you can't be a husband to her at this given time.

She's been astute enough to notice your mood's gone down even if she didn't know you were having an affair, so even though she's busy with the children, she still notices something's wrong which tells me she at least picks up on your feelings and cares enough to show concern.

If you don't want to tell her you had an affair I'd at least tell her you're having emotional problems and you're not sure how you feel about the relationship any more, it's going to hurt but it's the best way forward. truth always is really.

Your 5 kids won't thank you for staying for their sake when they've grown up, kids sense when something's not right in a home even when they're babies. But they might thank you for being honest and trying to do best by them, even if that meant you splitting up. Trust me, I've come from a broken home, and wish my father had left sooner because all it did was prolong the agony when my folks ripped each other to shreds and he left in the end anyway so it just made stuff worse. You need to sort out how you feel, I'd advise you go and talk with someone. Best of luck.

ash23

Imo, you have an unrealistic expectation of your wife. You simply cannot compare the mundane humdrum of daily life with the illicit affair. Nor can you compare a 37 year old woman who has given birth to 5 children and is raising them and running a home etc, to a flighty 25 year old with no children and all the time in the world to give to you.

I suggest you stop comparing the two.

I also suggest that the time, effort etc that you have been giving to your mistress (the romance, the gifts, the sweet nothings in her ear), that you begin spending that time and effort on your wife again. You might find she reciprocates it and gives it in return also.

If this doesn't work and you still feel that your relationship is lacking, then leave. Do the honourable but difficult thing and go and find some happiness and allow your wife the same opportunity.

I have a feeling that you will do none of the above and instead will just go from mistress to mistress. If this is the case, then you will eventually get found out and burned and possibly lose everything. Also, you might get away with pulling younger women for another few years but you will soon stop being a sexy mature older man and just become an older man. In which case, if you want a young sexy mistress, you'll perhaps find that they come with a price tag which reads "gold digger" so be prepared to step up your game. :rolleyes:

eviltwin

sketches wrote: »

I dont agree with Eviltwin. i think if you are not physically into your wife then all you are doing is torturing everyone by staying put....it is not fair on her, you or the kids really. Will you ever be into her? probably not at this stage and is it worth it if it is forced?
you would never know, your wife could well feel the same way about you!

All I'm saying is he should at least try...he has 5 kids ffs!!!!!

He must be stupid if he thinks people don't change, no one stays the same physically

He cant go through life only ever dating hot young women

nesbitt

You stated that from the outset you knew your mistress would find a guy who was boyfriend material and move on, so that day came this week. Like a lot of things in this life it might not be the worst thing to happen to you, for all the obvious reasons. Sometimes you have got to say to yourself 'this too will pass'.

Don't be unkind to your wife and make unfair comparisons. Don't be unkind to your mistress either she has made a life choice and moved on. Start being a better man to your wife and kids. I would advise getting counseling as to why you need to validate yourself with a 25 yr old mistress.

In the meantime, focus on your job, and your family. Make sure you eat regularly and get enough rest. You are a responsible family man, they need you. Don't lose the run of yourself over a broken affair. What if she came to you and told you she was pregnant? There are lots of implications to your scenario.

Try and look at this situation as a blessing in disguise and learn from it. Go trick or treating with your kids this weekend and make a firm resolution to be kinder to your wife, even if it is buying her a bar of chocolate and help her when she is tired.

You have lost your way a bit but you can get back on track.

txt_mess

Possibly it's time for you to do some re-evaluation of your position one door closes and all that. Maybe it's time to look at what you do have , with 5 kids you should be having plenty of fun and proud moments, my daughter can cheer me up no matter what.

Also you may want to try putting the effort you spent back into your marriage when you got with your wife it had to be for more then just her body / figure I'm hoping so possibly if you put a lot of effort in you can spark your brain around to why you loved her and possibly those feelings will grow again.

Definitely like any depression try and swing your mind around to different things keep yourself busy and find the good things you still have to focus your energy on.

Chocoholic84

OP, do you actually have any feelings left for your wife? Is there any hope at all, eg. would counselling be an option for ye?

TBH, it doesn't bode well that you don't fancy her at all anymore - have you always felt this way or just since she had the kids and that "took its toll on her body"?

Either way, getting a mistress wasn't really the way to go about this - you should have tried to work things through with the wife, and if all failed, split - as someone else said, I'm sure the kids would rather 2 happy parents living separately, rather than 2 miserable ones living under the same roof.

I applaud the "mistress" for having the guts to find someone who will treat her right, rather than hiding her away like a guilty secret - just goes to show that people having affairs can't have their cake and eat it all the time!

Please talk to your wife - get rid of the kids, and have a weekend to yourselves - whatever comes of it will be progress, whether that's giving the marriage another chance or going your separate ways.

Gholimoli

ok not sure what exactly you are looking for,but i think you dont know that either.

i think at the moment it just hurts,and you just want the hurting to stop.

imo there are two issues here really.

1.the break up with this girl.
2.your situation with your wife

the issues is at the moment,the first one hurts so bad,that you prob are spending all your energy just to deal with it.that usually is the case with breakups when ppl are attached and that attachments is suddently taken away.


dealing with the second issue needs focus and perspective,something that i dont think you have at the moment and it's only natural not to.

the pain of the first issue will go away but the bad news is ,it always takes some time.
i dont think there is much you can do about it.you just have to let nature take it's course and it will eventually fade.

usually if you get a grasp of the bigger picture and what is it that you actually want,it really helps.
look at what is an option for you.
what is not an option for you.basically eliminate what is not an option eg if going back with this girl is not a real option then eliminate it from your mind.

not sure if im being helpful here or im making sense at all but what im trying to say is that,even though it's very hard,you need to take step back and look at the issue from above where you can see all the angles and your brain is not just driven by the pain of this girl being gone.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

All I'm saying is he should at least try...he has 5 kids ffs!!!!!

He must be stupid if he thinks people don't change, no one stays the same physically

He cant go through life only ever dating hot young women

this is not personal, it is just my opinion

he may have 5 kids but so far in the last 2 years of his seeing a mistress he has not been too worried about them or his wife......or if he has he has a funny way of showing it.

i would love (NOT)! to be a wife who has produced 5 kids only to discover that my husband had not only had a mistress for 2 years but then HE decided he would give it another go with me.
I also believe you are either attracted to someone or not....you cannot make that happen unless you do it via porn mags etc...........btu that is a whole other thread

the best thing he can do for all their sakes is walk or at the very least tell his wife how he no longer feels about her.

metrovelvet

lostman wrote: »

My wife is a great woman but with 5 kids we dont have any time for ourselves and the sex side of things just isnt what it used to be. Even when we have time to ourselves I just dont get turned on by my wife anymore. She's my age and 5 kids takes its toll on the body, she just cant compare. She's a wonderful mum but I need someone just for me.

.

No one can stay just for you forever. Life demands that you will have to share the other with life itself. And while in this marriage, whomever is your next mistress is will have to share you with your wife and kids, and your wife and kids, though unknowing of the bargain is having to share you with someone else. Hardly a fair deal now is it?

But I think you already know that.

I think you need to talk to your wife.

Wagon

If you aren't keen on giving it a go with your wife again (you don't seem to be) then i'd recommend divorce. The whole point of being married to someone is to be a partner with them, and if im being 100% honest you really don't seem to want to be.

kenbrady

lostman wrote: »

Dont even know why I'm posting , you'll all rip me to shreads but the depression is starting to become obvious. Wife asked me what was the matter last night and she knows something is up.

The depression is not from the loss of the mistress woman, it's the fact that you feel you have nothing exciting in your life anymore.
Most people would think 5 kids and a wife is happy, exciting and something to strive for, you are taking it for granted.

Producing 5 kids and the effort to look after then must be a huge strain on your wife physically and emotionally. If you had to do the work she does you wouldn't have time for a mistress.

If you want to fix this, start enjoying your family and put the effort into helping your wife. The mother of your 5 kids is still the same woman you married, but the kids and workload is not giving her the time to be that woman she is too busy being a mother.

Two ways to deal with the loss of physical attraction:

1. Starting taking some of her workload and encourage her to look after herself, go to the gym, pamer herself. She will feel more like a woman, sex will improve and her new confidence and energy will make her more attractive.

2. Harsh but you could mention the loss of physical attraction to your wife and explain how it makes you feel about her (don't mention mistress ever) and do the same as above. This gives her the chance to know whats wrong and try and fix it, if she wants because it is your problem not hers.

kenbrady

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

I applaud the "mistress" for having the guts to find someone who will treat her right, rather than hiding her away like a guilty secret

Another reason why you might be depressed, is because you know you will never find another mistress. Woman who have affairs with a married man who has 5 kids are very hard to come by, no matter how many gutters you search in.

martdalto

To be honest I wouldn't spend too much time tormenting yourself over your mistress. She may have been "a hot little thing", but she clearly has double standards when it comes to herself... while she didn't mind using you for a bit of fun, and allowing you to cheat on your wife with her, she's not prepared to do the same in her own relationship.

And by the way - chances are her boyfriend is closer her age, and a man, nearing 40 who has a wife and 5 kids, just isn't that attractive to her anymore now that she sees what else is on offer(Sound familiar?)

Anyway, as others have said - your only choices are to try make it work with your wife, or to end it with her.

Or of course, you can continue as you are, make no effort and continue being miserable in your marriage... by the way, do you think you are the only one miserable in your marriage?

Do you think your wife is blissfully unaware that there are problems and is happy with how things are?
Do you think your kids think mam and dad are so happy, and so in love and we are lucky to be part of such a happy house?

There's more involved than just you and your needs. Now it's time to decide what to do

Stay there and do nothing (apart from possibly have another affair?)
Stay there and make a fair attempt at improving things
Leave

LegacyUser

Having 5 children to look after everyday obviously takes up all of your wifes time and energy... the same amount of time lets say that a free and single woman would use to go to gym, salons, pampering herself to look good etc. etc.
You are equally responsible for the children, all 5 that you have created.
To be honest your mistress has probably decided that you're not for her anymore and has gone for someone younger, fitter, sexier...
sound familiar??
your wife is probably very aware that there's something going on. It's hard not to pick up on the little signs when your with someone for so long.
You have to make a decision, you haven't been very fair to your wife for a long time. How about helping her out, giving her some time for herself by looking after the kids. I'm sure she would appreciate it.

Darthhoob

it's not just the having 5 kids that would have taken a toll on your wife's body. it's the looking after them, the not having time for herself, not feeling like anything other than a mother. she obviously doesn't isn't made to feel like a wife or a sexy woman...so why should she make the effort to look or act like one? if you helped with the kids, gave her time for herself (you had time for yourself afterall...you had time for an affair) and treated her like the woman you married you may find she will start to take better care of herself, and become that woman again.

having an affair is the easy cop out option. i mean which would you rather your wife do? give you attention or some other bloke? she isn't the only one to have aged since you married afterall.

nesbitt

I think having the affair and perhaps being bored in his marriage might be true only OP knows why he has gone down this road for 2 years.

However I think advocating that he considers a divorce from his wife at this time is wrong. OP needs to get himself together and look at all of this in time. Take time and then some..

Jumping in now and considering to leave his wife is just ill timed, and destructive for all concerned.

daisybelle2008

One thing that I am incredibly curious about is why you would have so many children. The toll they have taken on your wifes body is apparently a turn-off for you and they have left little time for your relationship with each other.
This intrigues me as there must have been a point where you planned such a big family but it seems clear they are your main reason for wanting a mistress and not fancying your wife anymore.

Why didn't you stay childfree and wife free and just stick to courting much younger women?
After child number 2 or 3 surely you could have put a glove on it.

LegacyUser

I love my wife, I love my kids. I don't want to hurt anyone. The relationship was only ever a bit of fun and I never wanted to leave my wife for this woman.

I feel bereft, my confidence is shot. I know its the end of a relationship and I will come to terms with it in time but life is so empty now. I used to meet her once, maybe twice, a week and I looked forward to it - now its gone

I'll miss the ego boost. I'll miss the sex which was the best of my life without a shadow of a dobut

I've never had to deal with this...my wife and I met in school so technically this is my first ever "break up"

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

One thing that I am incredibly curious about is why you would have so many children. The toll they have taken on your wifes body is apparently a turn-off for you and they have left little time for your relationship with each other.
This intrigues me as there must have been a point where you planned such a big family but it seems clear they are your main reason for wanting a mistress and not fancying your wife anymore.

Why didn't you stay childfree and wife free and just stick to courting much younger women?
After child number 2 or 3 surely you could have put a glove on it.

What can I say? Accidents happen. And I'm not calling my kids accidents, I love them all dearly and wouldn't be without any of them but we took our eye off the ball.

LegacyUser

Have to agree with above poster. Why on earth did you have five kids?

However, back to the situation. OP, I'm a married woman and had an affair that lasted over two years. I'm no longer seeing my lover (he was available as a full time partner if thats what I wanted but.......). My affair ended four months ago (by me) and while there are days when I get awful twinges about him, I am mostly just relieved to not have to tell lies and cover my tail constantly. I found it exhausting and humiliating.

I know the circumstances are different with you as you didn't want this girl to leave but always knew she would. But if you let the dust settle you may see it as a relief that she is gone too. Its going to be a good few months before you get any sense of clarity on this issue. No one here can tell you if you and your wife have a future. But don't take any drastic action. Accept your affair for what it was. Remember, at 37 you are still a young man and yes, five kids is an enormous turn off for future women, but if after a further year in your marriage you find that its not working, you are still young enough to leave and so is your wife. Just take that time. Mourn what you've lost and 'love the one you're with' for now as the song goes. Whatever you do, don't rush into another affair. This is your time to work out what you want for your life.

Nevyn

So you are stuck privately griefing the end of a relationship which for filled due to it's extra circular nature your needs for escape, a certain type of fantasy sex and an ego boost.

You knew it would end someday but you were happy to use that 'dream' to escape from the harsh realities of your home life and the relationship with your wife which has floundered.

If I was the wife struggling to tend house and rear 5 kids and not having the time or money to go get my hair done or for beauty treatments and I found out my hubby was spending time and money on another woman I'd be pissed.

Then again she could be aware of the fact you have had a mistress and was happy to turn a blind eye to is as she also considers that side of your relationship to be dead and over.

Yes it sucks you are going through such heartache and can't be open with it but you choose this path and I would suggest that you go get counselling to talk out all you are feeling with someone one and take a look at what in you has you feeling so unfulfilled.

Oh The Humanity

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

One thing that I am incredibly curious about is why you would have so many children. The toll they have taken on your wifes body is apparently a turn-off for you and they have left little time for your relationship with each other.
This intrigues me as there must have been a point where you planned such a big family but it seems clear they are your main reason for wanting a mistress and not fancying your wife anymore.

Why didn't you stay childfree and wife free and just stick to courting much younger women?
After child number 2 or 3 surely you could have put a glove on it.

Exactly, I just can't understand why you would do that if you are still into sex. Like if sex is important to you......5 kids is suicide for your sex life....

I have to say, if you are not attracted to her any more......there is no real future to the relationship. I mean you can't go without sex for the rest of your life so ......

Taltos

Any chance you could try to recapture some of that old romance with your wife?
You know - take her away for a while. Take up some new activities?

You never know - you might find something you both really enjoy doing.
> so your confidence should improve
> and if a physical activity you wife's physical health should improve
> also as you both spend more time together, laughing and having fun hopefully you will realise that the body that delivered your five kids is still really beautiful in its own right. Just guessing that with running after 5 kids she has had little time to spend on her own physical health and wellbeing.

Do try not to go down the same route again though.
If tempted then consider ending your marriage to allow your wife to meet someone willing to spoil her - even with the kids.

Right now though you are suffering a loss, made harder by not having anyone to talk to - so please do not make any rash decisions.

BroomBurner

Lostman, in your replies so far, you haven't mentioned anything about how your wife may be feeling. You haven't responded to anyones suggestions that your actions (i.e. using your spare time to have an affair, as opposed to helping with your family) may have actually caused the rut you found yourself in prior to deciding on an affair. You seem content to wallow in despair. It may be your "first break-up", but you're not actually a teenager. You're an adult with responsibilities.

daisybelle2008

lostman wrote: »

I love my wife, I love my kids. I don't want to hurt anyone. The relationship was only ever a bit of fun and I never wanted to leave my wife for this woman.

I feel bereft, my confidence is shot. I know its the end of a relationship and I will come to terms with it in time but life is so empty now. I used to meet her once, maybe twice, a week and I looked forward to it - now its gone

I'll miss the ego boost. I'll miss the sex which was the best of my life without a shadow of a dobut

I've never had to deal with this...my wife and I met in school so technically this is my first ever "break up"

Does not sound like a ball of fun, what with your depression, feeling bereft and moping about losing the only good thing in your life (your words).

You are incredibly immature and self-involved for your age. It is quite breathtaking. I am not judging you about the affair because these things happen. But it is your complete lack of contrition and self pity that is most astounding. Victim and martyr :rolleyes: all rolled into one. You almost have a sense of entitlement for a mistress because your wife does not appeal to you after you kept getting her pregnant so often.

And the 5 kids...'accidents happen and you took your eye off the ball'...are you for real? You seem not to get much joy from them (not as much as the mistress anyway).

Seriously you need to get over your self pity ('depression') and start entertaining yourself by spending the time and money you used to on your bit of fluff on your kids, you just might get some real happiness from that.

Nevyn

daisybelle2008 Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

e04bf099

Amazing! You have 5/6 dependants, a world of responsibility and a life a decent man might dream of. You could only be a nihilist!

Concentrate on your childrens lives and your wife's comfort. If you continue in this self-indulgence your children's development might suffer and become as selfish as yourself.

Ask yourself this neglected question. When it is all done and you're a pensioner in a home, uncontinent and, put bluntly, a burden to those around you. What do you want as your legacy? Do you want to be remembered for producing a bunch of disfunctional, ingratious chauvenists? If you don't respect your wife, how will your children? And if your children don't respect their mother, then how will they respect any women. And will your girls trust the men they end up with if they can't trust their father?

These are big questions and you need to start thinking of them NOW! If you start that, your depression will get swept aside by your absorption in the complexities of reality and life.

martdalto

lostman wrote: »

I love my wife,

I doubt you do. I DON'T doubt, that you are fond of her, and I don't think that you would ever deliberately want to hurt her.. but that's not the same as loving her, or being in love with her.

If you loved her:
You wouldn't have continued an affair for 2 years.
You wouldn't have said the things you said about her in your first post.
You wouldn't compare her to younger and "hotter" women.
You wouldn't be "bereft" at the end of the relationship that you claim was only ever a bit of fun.
You wouldn't consider your life to be "empty now"

These are not the thoughts and actions of a man who claims

I love my wife,

lostman wrote: »

I never wanted to leave my wife for this woman.

Of course you didn't... because it's easier to stay with her, isn't it? It easier than explaining to her, to your kids, to your families, friends, neighbours, work colleagues etc

I think you have gotten complacent in your marriage. You have taken your wife completely for granted, and while you were out meeting up for sex twice a week or so, your poor 'haggard' wife was at home coping with a house, 5 kids, and a husband who didn't want to be there.

Well I'm glad you got a bit of "you" time, and it made you feel good about yourself... now how about affording your wife the same courtesy?

Just wondering, how would you feel if you found out your wife was having an affair, because of your lack of interest in her, and your kids? I'm guessing if much of your spare time was spent with this woman, that your kids didn't get to see too much of you either during that time.

And I agree with whoever it was said that it is very likely your wife has her suspicions.

Anyway, you need to piss or get off the pot, as the saying goes. Moping around at the loss of your hot little thing, still isn't doing your marriage any good.

And while I agree that you shouldn't be thinking of leaving your wife now... I do think you should have thought about it 2 years ago.

dirtydress

Ive read through most of this and i just had to say i feel so so sorry for your wife, how awful that you would have an affair for 2 years and now be moping around her since its been broken off - hasnt she enough to deal with?

A good point was made earlier about your "girlfriend" not willing to do the same as you and cheat on her new lover with you. You are nearly 40 and in all honesty you're not going to find someone willing to devote all their time to being your mistress. I think you have it in your head that you're some kind of hot stuff that all 25 yr olds go for if only it wasnt for your pesky wife you'd be off living it up...well newsflash here, chances are most 25 year olds see you for what you are, a middle aged man with 5 kids. Dont delude yourself that you're missing out on some great single life just because you're not married. This smacks of a mid life crisis to be honest....

Please just think of your wife for once and if you really dont want to be with her then call it a day...she deserves some honesty.

metrovelvet

At first I thought the good part was that you had your heart broken. At least that is one lesson in what it is to be human and humble. But then I remembered that you said you miss the sex and the ego boost so no you have not had your heart broken, you are coming down off a high.

I dont know OP, hard to have sympathy for you here. If I said what I really thought Id be banned.

martdalto

OP, you also said that the sex was the best sex of your life.. I'm guessing other than your wife it was the ONLY sex of your life.

So it may not necessarily have been "better", just "different". You and your wife got together very young. You were both inexperienced, and I'm guessing sex has just become routine with her. Why not try to improve your own sex life? Make your wife feel special and loved.. you say you love her... do you show her you love her?

If not, then what do you expect from her? Do you expect her to do all the running to keep you interested? That's not what a marriage is, it takes effort... from both parties.

You've had your cheap little thrill - you're lucky to not have gotten caught (or were you caught, and your wife is just indifferent??) Concentrate on your marriage now - if you want it to work. If you don't, well.....

As metrovelvet says, it's hard to feel sympathy for you.

username123

OP - very difficult thread to be objective about but Ill try.

There is no comparison between your wife and your mistress. Your mistress has not had to suffer 5 childbirths, raising 5 kids, being married to you and all that entails (i dont doubt for a minute your wife has her suspicions about your activities), and most of all your mistress is free to walk away with no awkward strings to cut like the house, access, maintenance agreement etc..

So its easy to be a hot sexy mistress - right? But its not so easy to play second fiddle to a wife and 5 kids. Which is what she did for 2 years.

You didnt treat either woman in this situation properly, offering each of them half a relationship is as good as offering them nothing. Its no surprise at all that your mistress got tired of being treated unfairly, and decided to move onto better things.

Your wife is silently suffering, she may or may not know about your actions, but one way or the other her marriage is based on deception and she is only getting half a relationship from you as well as you claim not to fancy her anymore.

It would seem that emotionally you have been unavailable to both women. Why is this? You made the choice to marry and have 5 children. If thats not what you wanted for yourself then why did you do it and more importantly, why would you stay there - you are effectively making the lives of everyone miserable by suffering in a marriage you are not interested in and raising 5 kids when you would rather be out courting hot young free single ladies. You are probably setting your kids up for major dysfunction and issues when they grow up and your wife is no more than a baby making machine who keeps house for you. So why? Why not leave and live the life you want rather than staying in a place where you are unhappy and a situation where you feel the only release is to treat the women in your life badly by deceiving them and being emotionally unavailable to them?

The upset at your current break up will pass, and probably leave you wanting a new mistress to fill the void. So is that the life you want for yourself and and wife going forward, you hiding a mistress and her being married to a man who is deceiving her?

You will never be emotionally fulfilled youself if your only way of persuing happiness is at the expense of other peoples feelings. You will never be happy if you cannot be open about your life. And your marriage will never work if your answer to dissatisfaction is to strike up an affair.

You may be attractive to a hot young mistress now, but you are aging alongside your wife and the time will come when you are no longer a lure to younger women, but simply some aul lad who is sleazing round them.

I suggest you take a long hard look at your life and make some hard decisions for the greater good of your wife and family and not just yourself.

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

Another reason why you might be depressed, is because you know you will never find another mistress. Woman who have affairs with a married man who has 5 kids are very hard to come by, no matter how many gutters you search in.

I disagree with this statement. I was involved with a married man for three years, I was 30 and he was 46 when I finished it, as I had met someone. Within 3 months he was involved with a 25 year old. My point is that some men cheat throughout their married lives, for a wide variety of reasons. As for the "gutters" comment, join the real world, life isn't a fairytale and I don't regret one minute of my three years with that man.

Aprilsunshine

Grace 03 wrote: »

I disagree with this statement. I was involved with a married man for three years, I was 30 and he was 46 when I finished it, as I had met someone. Within 3 months he was involved with a 25 year old. My point is that some men cheat throughout their married lives, for a wide variety of reasons. As for the "gutters" comment, join the real world, life isn't a fairytale and I don't regret one minute of my three years with that man.

You should regret it though. Putting aside how I feel about women like you, you should regret it because he wasted 3 years of your life in which you could have met someone else who didn't see you as a bit on the side.

eviltwin

Grace 03 wrote: »

I disagree with this statement. I was involved with a married man for three years, I was 30 and he was 46 when I finished it, as I had met someone. Within 3 months he was involved with a 25 year old. My point is that some men cheat throughout their married lives, for a wide variety of reasons. As for the "gutters" comment, join the real world, life isn't a fairytale and I don't regret one minute of my three years with that man.

Why would any woman, or man, for that matter think so little of themselves that they would be happy to be someone's dirty little secret for any length of time?

I stupidly had a one night stand in my marriage with a married friend of mine. I felt sick after it but I know had I wanted it to go on to become a full blown affair the guy involved would have been more than happy to do that.

I was going through a bad patch at home and my sex life was non existant at the time and home was a pretty miserable place to be at times but even then I knew I was worth a lot more than just being a bit of fun for someone else.

Not all men cheat. Not all women cheat. Its a certain type of person who goes from affair to affair without any kind of remorse or guilt and if they can do that to someone they have built a life with it doesnt say much for how they think of their lover now does it?

stripysocks85

lostman wrote: »

My wife is a great woman but with 5 kids we dont have any time for ourselves and the sex side of things just isnt what it used to be. Even when we have time to ourselves I just dont get turned on by my wife anymore. She's my age and 5 kids takes its toll on the body, she just cant compare. She's a wonderful mum but I need someone just for me.

I'm not surprised if you've been off with someone else!

If you don't get turned on by her, I'm not really sure where to go from here. Maybe surprise her with a voucher to get her hair done for her birthday, or suggest a "healthy eating" approach and getting fit for the new year - do it TOGETHER so she doesn't feel like her weight is a problematic factor [provided this is relevan].

Yes 5 kids 'takes its toll on the body' but isn't is a little bit late for thinking of something like that now? What happened to "for better for worse, in sickness and in health"?? PEOPLE AGE, that's life. We're not meant to look 21 forever.

I applaud the 'mistress' for ending it once she's found someone else - usually it's the married person that promises to leave and never does, meaning the 3rd wheel gets hurt. At least she appears to have some sense & not cheat on someone if she's with them.

You shouldn't be in a marriage - you can't have your cake and eat it. You clearly didn't hear the part of the vows where it asks you to 'foraske all others'. Nobody said marriage or relationships were easy - maybe they would be if we could all have our 'bit on the side' but that's not the way it works. You need to make a decision - your wife or no wife. It's unfair to string her along like this, and to me it doesn't appear like you would ever be able to settle for just her. She deserves so much better than this. I feel so sorry for her - and the humiliation that she would feel if she ever found out about this.

I know it's difficult breaking up once there are children involved but it's better for everyone all around.

If you decide to make a go of it, at least explain to your wife what you're thinking. Hardly need to mention your 'mistress' as this would only hurt and humiliate her - but try and make a genuine go of things. Explain your worries and concerns. Go for marriage counselling. Get a weekend away in a hotel & a family member to look after the kids or something.

You're both only 37 - is it really worth spending the rest of your life with this person, purely because you don't have the courage to be a man and admit what's really at stake?

LegacyUser

My wife isn't overweight, if anything she needs to put weight on. Its not a looks thing, she looks great for her age ( 35 ). Its just different. She isnt 25 thats basically what it is. Her boobs sag, she has a flabby tummy and so on. Compared to my lover who was young, fit and healthy and perfect I have to admit I would rather be intimate with someone physically.

I think most blokes my age here will agree. You marry your wife but when you look at porn its not the missus you fantasise about......


Even if the desire was there we have 5 kids and no family or friends who can baby sit for us. So sex would be a quickie. Our kids are 6 months to 11 yrs. They dont know the meaning of privacy. At least with my lover we had a place we could go so we could take our time, I'm not into wham bam thank you mams

I'll get over my lover in time. Its not here I miss really just the sex. My ego is bruised now she's with a younger bloke. Maybe I just need to get back in the saddle with someone new. What my wife doesnt know wont hurt her.

Macha

lostman wrote: »

She isnt 25 thats basically what it is. Her boobs sag, she has a flabby tummy and so on. Compared to my lover who was young, fit and healthy and perfect I have to admit I would rather be intimate with someone physically.

I'm sure your wife would prefer to be with a hot young 25-year old as well. Seriously, you're being totally unrealistic. 5 kids will do that to a woman's body.

Also, 5 kids and a husband with a mistress does not leave you a lot of time to take care of your appearance, for example going to the gym, etc. Maybe if you gave her some more free time, she would have that time to spend on herself.

lostman wrote: »

I think most blokes my age here will agree. You marry your wife but when you look at porn its not the missus you fantasise about......

This is not a "bloke" thing. Older women, including your wife, are more likely to fantasise about good looking men (crazy, I know).

lostman wrote: »

Even if the desire was there we have 5 kids and no family or friends who can baby sit for us. So sex would be a quickie.

I'm amazed you had time for a mistress. NO family and NO friends and you can't PAY someone to babysit your kids?

lostman wrote: »

Our kids are 6 months to 11 yrs. They dont know the meaning of privacy. At least with my lover we had a place we could go so we could take our time, I'm not into wham bam thank you mams

Nothing that can't be achieved by going to a hotel.

lostman wrote: »

I'll get over my lover in time. Its not here I miss really just the sex. My ego is bruised now she's with a younger bloke. Maybe I just need to get back in the saddle with someone new. What my wife doesnt know wont hurt her.

What horrible, selfish sentiments. Look at this:
- YOU miss the sex
- YOUR ego is brusied
- YOU need to find a new mistress

And to hell with your wife. Seriously. Either make a honest go of it or let the poor woman go so she can find someone who really cares about her - and the kids.

dory

lostman wrote: »

My wife isn't overweight, if anything she needs to put weight on. Its not a looks thing, she looks great for her age ( 35 ). Its just different. She isnt 25 thats basically what it is. Her boobs sag, she has a flabby tummy and so on. Compared to my lover who was young, fit and healthy and perfect I have to admit I would rather be intimate with someone physically.

I think most blokes my age here will agree. You marry your wife but when you look at porn its not the missus you fantasise about......


Even if the desire was there we have 5 kids and no family or friends who can baby sit for us. So sex would be a quickie. Our kids are 6 months to 11 yrs. They dont know the meaning of privacy. At least with my lover we had a place we could go so we could take our time, I'm not into wham bam thank you mams

I'll get over my lover in time. Its not here I miss really just the sex. My ego is bruised now she's with a younger bloke. Maybe I just need to get back in the saddle with someone new. What my wife doesnt know wont hurt her.

I think it's time to stop taking you seriously.

If that's the way you want it, I don't see why people on here should be putting time and effort into trying to be of some assistance.
You should get help for your depression though just to make life slightly more bearable for your poor wife.

pisslips

Maybe you should think about using prostitutes.

No emotional connection, easier on the relationship with your wife than a mistress.

Private and discrete.

LegacyUser

I think it is fair to assume that people are queuing up to eat you alive...with justification.

So I'll leave it to them and take a different tack.

Your level of emotionally immaturity is terrifying...you met your wife in school, but it doesn't sound as if you are emotionally mature enough to marry yet.

OF COURSE you *love* your wife...she is part of your life, your emotional landscape, and your family...and that love is a GOOD thing, because it will make it really easy for you to co-parent with her...

But for heavens sake let her go to have a fair chance at finding someone who is really *in love with* all of her...and I honestly don't think you are even emotionally mature enough to understand that you, most definately, are not *in love with* her and/or why that should makes such difference or be so important.

I am not sure you should be counting on using younger women, to whom you have absolutely nothing to offer, to fulfil your surplus sexual needs...

I understand some women like to have FBs, but, I would imagine, prefer them to be younger, in better shape, and more reliably available.

SarahSassy

lostman wrote: »

Our kids are 6 months to 11 yrs. They dont know the meaning of privacy. At least with my lover we had a place we could go so we could take our time, I'm not into wham bam thank you mams.

Contradiction here - you had enough time and privacy to get your wife knocked up again 15 months ago..... Stop making excuses. The time you were off with your floozy should have been spent with your partner and kids... 35 is not old and the woman deserves her freedom to meet another partner to have a healthy and full relationship with. Set your wife free...

Did you use protection with the 25 year old?

e04bf099

SarahSassy wrote: »

Contradiction here - you had enough time and privacy to get your wife knocked up again 15 months ago..... Stop making excuses. The time you were off with your floozy should have been spent with your partner and kids... 35 is not old and the woman deserves her freedom to meet another partner to have a healthy and full relationship with. Set your wife free...

Did you use protection with the 25 year old?

Take this girls advice. Get a divorce, NOW! You are a complete sociopath. Your wife and kids deserve better than you. Sex is not like food or water. It is not a necessity. It is not 'your right as a man'. I hope you don't look at porn where your kids could find it. If your child is 11 and a boy, he will start looking soon. People like you shouldn't be allowed have children. What will you girls think? Do you not care about their self-esteem and self-respect. If they associate themselves with their mother and you disrespect their mother so violently, how then do you think they will feel about themselves. What a ****!

Darthhoob

wow the more you write the more i lose faith in humanity.

your wife has saggy boobs and a flabby tummy CARRYING YOUR CHILDREN FOR YOU!!! she could get back into shape...if she wasn;t left holding the kids whilst you went out shagging other people.

do her and your kids a favour and leave. you obviously have no respect for your wife or kids at all....i've not seen you mutter one word of regret...totally the opposite...you are just constantly puting her down. and you wonder why she has 'let herself go'??????????????? and she can do ALOT better than you...saggy or not!

unbelievable!

metrovelvet

I get the impression you are incapable of loving anyone. I think you need a dog to start practising.

dmy1001

OP i am not sure at this stage what help or advice you are looking for???

it looks very much to me as if this is just made up but if on the off chance it is not you seem to know what you want so just go and get it then.

If this is all true i think you would be better off single and free to roam.