Shnappy retorts and comebacks

formula1

right so im changing this...again
i wont start

3hn2givr7mx1sc

formula1 wrote: »

Some other lad "jasus ur very short"
Me "so is your knob"

everyone roars laughin, other lad has no retort.

ahhh

any other funny moments....?

Wasn't that funny..

Prof.Badass

your ma + any sexual double entendre made out of original phrase
mary harney + eating any object/fitting through any object mentioned in the original phrase

Professey Chin

formula1 wrote: »

Some other lad "jasus ur very short"
Me "so is your knob"

everyone roars laughin, other lad has no retort.

ahhh

any other funny moments....?

*tumbleweed*

TheZohanS

formula1 wrote: »

Some other lad "jasus ur very short"
Me "so is your knob"

everyone roars laughin, other lad has no retort.

ahhh

any other funny moments....?

So how did you know the size of the other guys penis?

mikom

formula1 wrote: »

Some other lad "jasus ur very short"
Me "so is your knob"
any other funny moments....?

Dude that sounds like a brokeback mountain moment.

speedboatchase

TheZohan wrote: »

So how did you know the size of the other guys penis?

OH NO HE DI'NT!!

flahavaj

Female Politician to Winston Churchill "Mr Churchill if I was your wife I'd poison your tea."

Churchill " Madam, If you were my wife , I'd drink it."

Classic.

Lab_Mouse

TheZohan wrote: »

So how did you know the size of the other guys penis?

His ma told him:pac:

4zn76tysfajdxp

flahavaj wrote: »

Female Politician to Winston Churchill "Mr Churchill if I was your wife I'd poison your tea."

Churchill " Madam, If you were my wife , I'd drink it."

Classic.

I wish people would stop posting that. Kind of loses it's impact after reading it fifty times.

formula1

baz2009 wrote: »

Wasn't that funny..

not funny on paper
ya needed to be there...

My name is URL

'The Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you'

Sleipnir

Can we rename the OP's thread to

"Wow, I said something mildly amusing and other people laughed and everything. Look at what I said. It's funny so I am funny too. People do like me and my mummy always says I am special"

speedboatchase

Good one to use in a nightclub:

Woman - I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth!

You - (lean really close in a creepy way and whisper) But then who would be around to stop me ...?

TheIrishGrover

baz2009 wrote: »

Wasn't that funny..

Maybe it is if said with a dodgy Sean Connery accent.......

formula1

formula1 wrote: »

right so im changing this...
ill start

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid

Jesus, thats poor.

Warfi

My name is URL wrote: »

'The Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you'

'What's the difference, you're their all time best seller!' Poor George never got a break

brummytom

formula1 wrote: »

right so im changing this...
ill start

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid

That's even worse.



When you get people hurling abuse at you all the time, you get used to coming up with quick retorts.. can never remember them though.

Size=everything

Lady to Winston Churchill "Mr Churchill if I was your wife I'd poison your tea."

Churchill " Madam, If you were my wife , I'd drink it."

Professey Chin

Size=everything wrote: »

Lady to Winston Churchill "Mr Churchill if I was your wife I'd poison your tea."

Churchill " Madam, If you were my wife , I'd drink it."

Bit late there :pac:

dr.bollocko

/facepalm.

flahavaj

Size=everything wrote: »

Lady to Winston Churchill "Mr Churchill if I was your wife I'd poison your tea."

Churchill " Madam, If you were my wife , I'd drink it."

They didn't like this the first time mate.:mad:

ejmaztec

rarnes1 wrote: »

Jesus, thats poor.

Poorer than the poorest thing that has ever been posted on a forum, and that's saying something.:eek:

Turd Ferguson

Warfi wrote: »

'What's the difference, you're their all time best seller!' Poor George never got a break

Oh yeah...well I had sex with your wife!!

Warfi

Someone told me at work one day that I should always be ready to go the extra mile. I told him to go the extra mile.....and stay there.
We're now happily married*






* he was an a*se of the highest order

Warfi

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

Oh yeah...well I had sex with your wife!!

My wife's in a coma : P

mikom

Lady to Winston Churchill "Mr Churchill if I was your wife I'd piss in your tea."

Churchill " Madam, If you were my wife , I'd drink it."

ejmaztec

Female Politician to Winston Churchill "Oi fatboy, do you fancy a shag?"

Churchill " Madam, I'll just see if I can wake up the snake."

tech77

Sleipnir wrote: »

Can we rename the OP's thread to

"Wow, I said something mildly amusing and other people laughed and everything. Look at what I said. It's funny so I am funny too. People do like me and my mummy always says I am special"

No.
1. That would exceed the thread title character limit.
2. Only the OP or a mod can edit it.

Try abridging it and asking a mod/the OP. :-l

brummytom

Warfi wrote: »

Someone told me at work one day that I should always be ready to go the extra mile. I told him to go the extra mile.....and stay there.
We're now happily married*






* he was an a*se of the highest order

For what my mate said to work, you'd need to know the girl in question sat on him at a party, and she's not the lightest girl in the world.

Danny had been scratching himself in Geography because he was bored, the nutter.
The girl says to him, "Ah you must love pain then Dan?"
He goes, quick as a flash "I do, I let you sit on me didn't I?"

That's the day he became a man in my eyes

DazMarz

''Excuse me, do you mind if I smoke?''

''I don't care if you burn.''

Brilliant

SoWatchaWant

"I shagged your ma last night"

"No, I shagged your ma last night. And she gave me a blowjob."

ElaElaElano

Lady politician to Winston Churchill 'if I was you...I'd check out boards.ie. They're proper havin it large over your famous quote innit'

Winston Churchill 'fenian bastids'

That was neither a retort nor a comeback. I'm so sorry.

Warfi

Bill Hicks to a heckler 'Do you go to Neil Young concerts, take out a guitar and start playing?'

The ultimate anti heckle-the idiot in the audience had forgotten that he was dealing with a man who had (to quote) '23 hours a day' to hone his material

quirkster

At 6 foot when i was 14 i was the tallest in my year...one particular guy with a very large nose who was called a bird because of it decided to have a jibe at my expense when i walked into the classroom in 2nd year....

him:well quirkster, whats the weather like up there?
me (quick as a flash): you should know you cnut your the one flying around

cue a lot of laughter

JPA

quirkster wrote: »

At 6 foot when i was 14 i was the tallest in my year...one particular guy with a very large nose who was called a bird because of it decided to have a jibe at my expense when i walked into the classroom in 2nd year....

him:well quirkster, whats the weather like up there?
me (quick as a flash): you should know you cnut your the one flying around

cue a lot of laughter

We really do need a thumbs down option.

rainbowdrop

quirkster wrote: »

At 6 foot when i was 14 i was the tallest in my year...one particular guy with a very large nose who was called a bird because of it decided to have a jibe at my expense when i walked into the classroom in 2nd year....

him:well quirkster, whats the weather like up there?
me (quick as a flash): you should know you cnut your the one flying around

cue a lot of laughter

Huh?

Senna

Some comedian up on stage getting heckled, shouts down to the heckler;

Look mate, i dont come down to your work and tell you how to swing from a tree and eat bananas, do I?

Warfi

quirkster wrote: »

At 6 foot when i was 14 i was the tallest in my year...one particular guy with a very large nose who was called a bird because of it decided to have a jibe at my expense when i walked into the classroom in 2nd year....

him:well quirkster, whats the weather like up there?
me (quick as a flash): you should know you cnut your the one flying around

cue a lot of laughter

I think it's a good comeback And what's more, it didn't happen in internetland where all you have to do is quote someone and point out their spelling mistakes to be considered a 'ledge'

orourkeda

JPA wrote: »

We really do need a thumbs down option.

Two Fingers or hand gesture option also

ScumLord

Other person: Anything
Me: (quick as a flash) Fuck off.

Earthhorse

"Madam, if you were my wife , I'd drink it." - Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilisation.

Agricola

Guy: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven..................?

Girl: Why, cos Im an angel? :rolleyes:

Guy: No, it just looks like you landed on your face



with thanks to Jimmy Carr

Kold

Lady politician to Winston Churchill "Jasus you're very short"

Winston Churchill "So's your knob!"

House of Lords erupts into guffaws.

Sea Sharp

Woman to Winston Churchhill: "If you were my husband I'd poison you"

Churchhill "Guards, this woman just made a death threat. Take her away. Not so smart now are you, b1tch!!!!!)"