Expecting guests to pay for meal at wedding??

mandalicious

A girl i know is getting married , I am getting married a couple of months before her. We were discussing our wedding plans and i happened to mention about the meal, she told me that her and her partner are not paying for the meal, that the guests will be paying for themselves:eek: I have never ever heard the likes of it. And she was deadly serious, also she is getting married in a hotel in the country so obviously ppl will have to stay over in the hotel. and she is expecting presents too. I know there is a recession on but come on, she wont live that down for the rest of her life, come to my wedding but pay for your own meal and loads of presents welcome. Has anyone ever heard anything like this before

sweetie

mandalicious wrote: »

A girl i know is getting married , I am getting married a couple of months before her. We were discussing our wedding plans and i happened to mention about the meal, she told me that her and her partner are not paying for the meal, that the guests will be paying for themselves:eek: I have never ever heard the likes of it. And she was deadly serious, also she is getting married in a hotel in the country so obviously ppl will have to stay over in the hotel. and she is expecting presents too. I know there is a recession on but come on, she wont live that down for the rest of her life, come to my wedding but pay for your only meal and loads of presents welcome. Has anyone ever heard anything like this before

do they get the option of just going to McDonalds on the way to the hotel?
She would be better doing a simple buffet to save money than expecting
people to do that.

mandalicious

your right, buffet is much better than the embarrassment of asking people to pay. Instead of wedding favours they will prob have plastic cup at everyones table 'donations for honeymoon'. They are not poor, they both work and are landlords too so money isnt that short. I'm just in shock of the whole thing, someone should pull her to one side and say something without offending her.?? But then 100 guests would probably be offended asking to pay for their own meal??

cch

Are you sure she didn't meant that the cash presents she obviously expects to get from everyone is probably going to be at least the cost of a meal?

mandalicious

You could be right, but that's not what i got from her expression and tone of voice when she said it. My face dropped, i repeated back to her what she said , and she said ''OH NO everyone will be paying for their own meal''.

How Strange

mandalicious wrote: »

You could be right, but that's not what i got from her expression and tone of voice when she said it. My face dropped, i repeated back to her what she said , and she said ''OH NO everyone will be paying for their own meal''.

If that really is the case then the girl has no manners whatsoever. I certainly wouldn't attend a wedding if I had to pay for my own meal. I've never heard of such a thing before. In fact I wouldn't waste the price of a card and stamp rsvp-ing.

yuloni

This post has been deleted.

Malari

How Strange wrote: »

If that really is the case then the girl has no manners whatsoever. I certainly wouldn't attend a wedding if I had to pay for my own meal. I've never heard of such a thing before. In fact I wouldn't waste the price of a card and stamp rsvp-ing.

Assuming the girl has actually made this clear to all her guests, and not just the OP, BEFORE they attend!

I've never heard of it in the traditional "white dress-church-hotel-speeches-band-DJ" kind of wedding.

If someone makes it clear that food won't be provided and they are being invited to attend the service and drinks, or whatever happens after, that's fine.

If she has organised the meals and just expects people to stump up individually on the day, she might be disappointed with the responses!

cruizer101

Malari wrote: »

If she has organised the meals and just expects people to stump up individually on the day, she might be disappointed with the responses!

More than dissapointed, she will have to pay hotel before and I can't imagine most people would pay.

I have never heard of anything like this, I'd be interested if you could update this OP when the invites go out and that, how she plans teling all her guests

mandalicious

yeah it is a white wedding-church-hotel-band etc
its a full sit down meal, so even if she does tell ppl in advance that they have to pay for their meal, you can hardly attend and say i wont be paying for my meal so i'll just sit here and watch everyone else eat
BTW, I'm invited to this full wedding, i dont think i will go, out of principle:mad: unless when i bring her to my wedding in a couple of months ill as her for the money for the meal as she comes into the reception:D:rolleyes: lol

mandalicious

I know wat ya mean , i had to pay 1k deposit to the hotel im having my reception in, and then another 1k 6 months before my wedding, and the final amount has to be paid, i think its 3 weeks in advance. So the meal is well paid for in advance. That means the ppl would owe her the money rather then the hotel, is she gonna show herself up on the day by saying to everyone after the meal, okay 60 quid each please...lol

I'll keep ya's posted;)

Malari

mandalicious wrote: »

I know wat ya mean , i had to pay 1k deposit to the hotel im having my reception in, and then another 1k 6 months before my wedding, and the final amount has to be paid, i think its 3 weeks in advance. So the meal is well paid for in advance. That means the ppl would owe her the money rather then the hotel, is she gonna show herself up on the day by saying to everyone after the meal, okay 60 quid each please...lol

I'll keep ya's posted;)

Please do, can't wait to hear the outcome of this one

Del2005

I heard of a wedding before where the couple couldn't afford the wedding they wanted. They asked the guests to pay for the meal and some other stuff but not for any presents, which is fair.

mandalicious wrote: »

yeah it is a white wedding-church-hotel-band etc
its a full sit down meal, so even if she does tell ppl in advance that they have to pay for their meal, you can hardly attend and say i wont be paying for my meal so i'll just sit here and watch everyone else eat
BTW, I'm invited to this full wedding, i dont think i will go, out of principle:mad: unless when i bring her to my wedding in a couple of months ill as her for the money for the meal as she comes into the reception:D:rolleyes: lol

Does it say anywhere on the invitation that she'll be looking for money? Unless it is I would love to see the bride in her wedding dress hitting up the guests for their lunch money

misswex

I have never heard of anyone doing such a thing! You don't invite people to your wedding and expect them to pay for their meal, its just not acceptable.

I'm really curious as to how she is going to implement it. Please do keep us up to date.

mandalicious

Well that would be fair enough to pay for your own meal, but to give a present aswell, thats a bit much. I'm dying to know myself how she expects that to work, (does she go round each table with her hand out), i am gonna bring up the topic to her again when i see her next, and if it is the case then i think I'll arrange to be 'busy' on her wedding day, she will probably end up with no guests at the wedding.

the_syco

mandalicious wrote: »

A girl i know is getting married , I am getting married a couple of months before her. We were discussing our wedding plans and i happened to mention about the meal, she told me that her and her partner are not paying for the meal, that the guests will be paying for themselves

Was at a wedding like this. Dinner worked out at about €15-€25 each, as it was a set menu: starter, main, and dessert. People were aware of this coming to the wedding. People knew how much to pay, and paid per table. Most of them also stayed at the hotel, but were given a discount due to the number staying, and that the afters were done in the hotel.

The wedding is their day out, and not a financial burden that they must dread, and pay off for the next while. Due to the recession, not as many banks will lend money so easily, so it may not be out of choice.

Mary D

That is so mean, why is she bothering having a reception at all if she's not willing to pay for it. Why doesn't she just get married and go a meal with her new husband or else do what lots of other people do, go away and get married which would be cheaper than a reception here.

I wouldn't go to a wedding if I had to pay for my own meal. Probably what most people will do is say they can't make the meal but can turn up for drinks in the evening. People can't afford to buy clothes for a wedding, a gift for the couple, spending money for the day and the cost of staying over never mind paying for their own meal. You'd think one the the bride's or groom's family to tell them to cop on.

cruizer101

the_syco wrote: »

so it may not be out of choice.

Of course its out of choice, if they wanted they could get married for a couple of hundred euro. They choose where to go, how many guests, everything.

the_syco

Mary D wrote: »

That is so mean, why is she bothering having a reception at all if she's not willing to pay for it. Why doesn't she just get married and go a meal with her new husband or else do what lots of other people do, go away and get married which would be cheaper than a reception here.

Don't want to pay? Don't go. It'll make it cheaper for the bride and groom.

cruizer101 wrote: »

Of course its out of choice, if they wanted they could get married for a couple of hundred euro. They choose where to go, how many guests, everything.

That's fairly niave.

bangersandmash

the_syco wrote: »

The wedding is their day out, and not a financial burden that they must dread, and pay off for the next while. Due to the recession, not as many banks will lend money so easily, so it may not be out of choice.

If it's a financial burden, then it's one of their own making. There is no obligation on them to have a big white wedding. Pressure from family or peers is not an excuse for making a poor financial decision.

As for blaming stricter lending policies for a couple's inability to borrow money to throw a party, well it's hardly a smart idea even in boom times. Nobody is automatically entitled to a celebrity-style white wedding.

Greenmachine

Now that is shocking OP. Surely they could do buffet food or something. Sounds like they are just tight and like having things handed to them have their cake and eat it as it were. Have a lovely wedding but keep their communion money nice and safe.

major bill

the_syco wrote: »

Was at a wedding like this. Dinner worked out at about €15-€25 each, as it was a set menu: starter, main, and dessert. People were aware of this coming to the wedding. People knew how much to pay, and paid per table. Most of them also stayed at the hotel, but were given a discount due to the number staying, and that the afters were done in the hotel.

The wedding is their day out, and not a financial burden that they must dread, and pay off for the next while. Due to the recession, not as many banks will lend money so easily, so it may not be out of choice.

if they cnt afford it dont get married simple as. very rude to ask people to travel down country and pay for their meals.

prinz

Mary D wrote: »

That is so mean, why is she bothering having a reception at all if she's not willing to pay for it. Why doesn't she just get married and go a meal with her new husband or else do what lots of other people do, go away and get married which would be cheaper than a reception here.

Ok so I'm with you up to here, and then you say..

Mary D wrote: »

People can't afford to buy clothes for a wedding, a gift for the couple, spending money for the day and the cost of staying over never mind paying for their own meal..

Why, do people need to buy new clothes for a wedding? Or spend a lot of money on gifts, going away etc. The guests have the same abilities as the bride and groom, cut costs, stay away etc.

How Strange

IMO, if you insist on having your BIG day, white dress, lavish reception in hotel function room etc etc then you should have the money to pay for it.

I think it's the height of absurdity and rudeness to want the big wedding with all the trimmings but expect your guests to pay for it.

I can categorically say I wouldn't attend a wedding if by attending I'm expected to fund it and to provide a present too.

OP, you'll have to find out if this girl is really expecting guests to pay for their dinner and let us know.

rilly99

she's not from Cavan by any chance ?

Flowertot

i know a couple who did this, they payed for immediate family and the wedding party but anyone else who wanted to share their day with them had to pay for their own meal.

Their logic was that instead of choosing who gets to go to the full day or just the evening reception was taken out of their hands and they wouldn't offend anyone by leaving it up to their friends who wanted to go to the full day (and pay fo themselves)
However they didn't expect gifts either

cruizer101

the_syco wrote: »

That's fairly niave.

How?

Are you you saying that two people could not legally get married for under a grand. Everything else is optional extras on which the couple can decide how much or how little to spend on.

While hotel receptions may be the norm it is not obligitory.

Its as simple as you get what you pay for, and if you can't pay for it don't get it.

Now don't get me wrong I'm all for a fancy hotel reception and would hope to have one when I get married, but at the end of the day there are limits based on how much money one has, and the OP's friend is instead basing limits on her money as well as that of her guests, which in my opinion is wrong.

kizzyr

the_syco wrote: »

Was at a wedding like this. Dinner worked out at about €15-€25 each, as it was a set menu: starter, main, and dessert. People were aware of this coming to the wedding. People knew how much to pay, and paid per table. Most of them also stayed at the hotel, but were given a discount due to the number staying, and that the afters were done in the hotel.

The wedding is their day out, and not a financial burden that they must dread, and pay off for the next while. Due to the recession, not as many banks will lend money so easily, so it may not be out of choice.

Then you don't have a wedding you can't afford simple as.

whatdoicare

Isn't etiquette nowadays to calculate how much you reckon the meal might be and pay for yerself and guest when giving a cash gift? Like mostly a meal is 55 plus whatever drink, so you give about 150-200? Maybe, she's talking like that, not asking for it but assuming kind of thing? Unless of course she's writing it on the invites- well that'd be rude.

How Strange

whatdoicare wrote: »

Isn't etiquette nowadays to calculate how much you reckon the meal might be and pay for yerself and guest when giving a cash gift? Like mostly a meal is 55 plus whatever drink, so you give about 150-200? Maybe, she's talking like that, not asking for it but assuming kind of thing? Unless of course she's writing it on the invites- well that'd be rude.

I don't think it's etiquette per se but I think as it's become customary to have a lavish wedding that you can't afford the bride and groom expect to pay for their bash through the cash presents they receive from guests.

IMO if you can't afford your 40k big day out then you should cut your cloth according to your measure as my mother would say. I've read threads on some websites where people ask if it's ok to put their bank details on their wedding invites.

PoleStar

If you cant afford a hotel wedding reception paying for band, DJ and all the other costs that go with it then dont get your mates to sponsor the wedding, do it on the cheap.

EG simple wedding at church then hire out a restaurant somewhere with no DJ etc and just close friends and family.

These people obviously want a big wedding for themselves and either cant or dont want to pay for it.

I am sure amongst the guests there will be friends of hers who are getting married. Will she expect to get a free ride at their wedding?

amdublin

the_syco wrote: »

The wedding is their day out, and not a financial burden that they must dread, and pay off for the next while. Due to the recession, not as many banks will lend money so easily, so it may not be out of choice.

Yes. Their day out. Why should I have to pay for a party that someone else is throwing??

Why would you borrow money for a wedding? Why not have the wedding you can afford at the time (ie. a very small one) or SAVE and have the big one when you can afford it?

amdublin

whatdoicare wrote: »

Isn't etiquette nowadays to calculate how much you reckon the meal might be and pay for yerself and guest when giving a cash gift? Like mostly a meal is 55 plus whatever drink, so you give about 150-200? Maybe, she's talking like that, not asking for it but assuming kind of thing? Unless of course she's writing it on the invites- well that'd be rude.

I thought etiquette is to give a gift of whatever your choosing is. I think b&g's like this urban myth to be circulated so that they are guaranteed that their wedding is paid for by other people. How absurd!

I agreee what you say about this bride. She may mean she is expecting gifts of money to cover the cost of the meal.

Either way, imo completely WRONG and in very bad spirit. "Hello, I'm throwing a party to celebrate my wedding. I expect you to pay for this party that I am throwing" Crazy!

If you cannot afford to pay for your own wedding don't have a big one. You should not be relying on gifts to pay for your wedding. You should look on a gift as it is intended: A Gift. Not payday for your wedding.

amdublin

the_syco wrote: »

That's fairly niave.

Naive to pay for your own wedding??? :eek:

Naive to have a small wedding because yourself and your other half cannot afford to pay for a big wedding??

Seems the complete opposite to naive to me.

TheBigLebowski

amdublin wrote: »

Either way, imo completely WRONG and in very bad spirit. "Hello, I'm throwing a party to celebrate my wedding. I expect you to pay for this party that I am throwing" Crazy!

If you cannot afford to pay for your own wedding don't have a big one. You should not be relying on gifts to pay for your wedding. You should look on a gift as it is intended: A Gift. Not payday for your wedding.

I have to laugh at all of these people who are saying it's awful that people have to pay for the meal after being invited. Most of the weddings I've been to, I had to pay for my own drink for the day. People expect you go to their big day and spend the whole day and night there without so much as giving them a drink (not nesessarily alcohol).

I went to weddings in Australia and it is practically unheard of that people would be invited to a wedding and then have to buy their own drink. They would be as appalled about paying for drink as most people here are about paying for meals.

From my own point of view, I drink bottles of miller and I'd probably drink 15 or so at a wedding. You can 12 buy bottles of miller for 12 euro in Tesco so that's only 15 euro worth of alcohol. Hardly too much to ask.

So people, what's the difference? You're still asking people to pay for your party. I wouldn't invite you to my house party and not provide food AND drink.

amdublin

TheBigLebowski wrote: »

I went to weddings in Australia and it is practically unheard of that people would be invited to a wedding and then have to buy their own drink. They would be as appalled about paying for drink as most people here are about paying for meals

In Australia is the drink paid for but you pay for the meal?

Some people don't drink. Everyone tends to need to eat. Weddings are quite long. I'd expect a little bit of sustenance to keep me going!

I think it is the attitude of some people that is annoying me more than anything. This attitude of: It is my big day. I deserve everything I want. Now please pay for what I want.

PoleStar

TheBigLebowski wrote: »

So people, what's the difference? You're still asking people to pay for your party. I wouldn't invite you to my house party and not provide food AND drink.

In Ireland, people goin to house parties usually DO bring drink with them.

TheBigLebowski

amdublin wrote: »

In Australia is the drink paid for but you pay for the meal?

You don't pay for anything. You are a guest.

amdublin wrote: »

Some people don't drink. Everyone tends to need to eat. Weddings are quite long. I'd expect a little bit of sustenance to keep me going!

Everyone drinks at a wedding. As I said not necessarily alcohol but everyone needs to drink something, even it's tea and coffee or soft drinks etc. for the day.

TheBigLebowski

PoleStar wrote: »

In Ireland, people goin to house parties usually DO bring drink with them.

People often do bring drink out of courtesy but I've never been to a proper party, as in a grown up house party, not a teenage drinking session with the lads, where there wasn't plenty of drink available to those who didn't bring any. It's what being a good host is about.

Yoda08

TheBigLebowski wrote: »

People often do bring drink out of courtesy but I've never been to a proper party, as in a grown up house party, not a teenage drinking session with the lads, where there wasn't plenty of drink available to those who didn't bring any. It's what being a good host is about.

ah come on... again comparing a wedding of 250 people sitting down to a formal meal to a house party is pushing it a bit!!
I'm not condoning expecting gifts/guests to pay for meal at all.. this is obscene and beyond rude in my opinion, however to condense a traditional Irish wedding (in my view 150 or greater) to a "party" is naive..

Different countries have different traditions... I know in England I have attended weddings where the drink has been paid for, but then there isn't the attitude there of "woohoo, FREE DRINK!? Let's order everything on the menu, on the double" that is more likely to prevail at an Irish wedding.
Note, I'm saying "more likely" not "always". Also, English weddings have been a lot smaller, and therefore it has been the bride & grooms choice to have smaller numbers but more free. Besides, Irish couples usually provide wine at the tables, and a toast, so it's not like they expect you to parch with the thirst.:rolleyes:

Everyone is aware that they are expected to pay for their own drink, so no need to accept an invite if you aren't prepared to do this. Personally I love a wedding shindig... but would be appalled if a bill was handed to me at the end of the meal looking for me to cough up for my (probably mediocre) meal!!

tinkerbell

That's actually shocking :eek: I would not go if I was invited to a wedding like that. If they can't afford to pay for the guests meals then don't invite 100 people and get married in a low key ceremony and have a buffet type meal in your own house / parents house.

That's actually quite insulting to guests - I'd be surprised if anybody actually bothers to show up.

iguana

TheBigLebowski wrote: »

Everyone drinks at a wedding. As I said not necessarily alcohol but everyone needs to drink something, even it's tea and coffee or soft drinks etc. for the day.

A lot of drink is provided at Irish weddings. At every single "normal" wedding I've ever attended there is tea/coffee/champagne when the guests arrive at the hotel. Wine with the meal, tea/coffee after the meal. A round of drinks as the tables are being cleared away and tea/coffee later on in the evening. So certainly enough liquid sustenance to celebrate the day.

TheBigLebowski wrote: »

From my own point of view, I drink bottles of miller and I'd probably drink 15 or so at a wedding. You can 12 buy bottles of miller for 12 euro in Tesco so that's only 15 euro worth of alcohol. Hardly too much to ask.

No hotel will allow you to do that. They allow guests to bring their own wine, but they charge them €5-20 per bottle for corkage. If the bride and groom have a free bar they have to pay bar prices for each drink. So your 15 bottles would cost them about €60. If they had a free bar it would cost them roughly €10k for 150 guests.

whatdoicare

How Strange wrote: »

I've read threads on some websites where people ask if it's ok to put their bank details on their wedding invites.

Are you serious???:eek: That's crazy!
I'm getting married next June and although it'll be nice to get money gifts I don't expect it. The majority of the wedding will be paid before we even walk down the aisle- (albeit it'll have to be a loan as our circumstances changed since we started booking but still, it'll be me and the hubby paying for it, not our guests- wishing a bit now that we'd eloped to las vegas but ah well, can't be helped haha) My main concern is having a great day and everyone having great food, music and dance. Don't agree with paying for drinks beyond the dinner wine and toast- theres no way we could foot that bill- if it was a house party sure but for 150 people? no way - get yer own.

oceanclub

Condi wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Erm, I don't know where you're from, but neither nor most friends have ever invited more than 150 people to any of our weddings.

P.

ariel05

Well, - its fine if she explains to people BEFORE they accept an invitation to her wedding. But I dont think it would work very well if she didnt tell anyone in advance and then just said it on the day. You could not invite someone to a wedding and then on the day tell them they had to pay... what if her guests didnt have the money to pay..?? Also, as its traditional in Ireland to be invited to a wedding and get your meal paid for, - why would anyone be expecting anything different and why would SHE be expecting anything other than that from her guests (who she has invited)....???
I dont think it will happen... she is probably all talk.

bridgitt

how about only inviting 50 people if she is on a budget ?

whatdoicare

bridgitt wrote: »

how about only inviting 50 people if she is on a budget ?

Sometimes that's not an option. Most people have family members who assume they are invited as in not asking if they are in a "oh I've my outfit gotten already and yer mam/dad/sister/person on the street says the 18th of June" kind of thing! I've had the experience of planning the wedding list to the minimum only for aunts and uncles and family friends to invite themselves and then mammy going nuts when you try to uninvite them. My wedding list went from 100 to 150 and was heading up to 170 when I had to lie and say 150 was the max would fit in the ceremony place room thing. My mom (and now hubbys mom) is still having a hissy fit about it. 50 would in no way be an option for me there....wish I'd fecked off to vegas now....
Oh and a warning for brides/grooms to be- my friend just informed me that those who were invited without guest sneaked in their guest anyway- she ended up with a bill for 15 extra people!!!