Tales From An Elevator

segarox

hey everyone, i just wanted to tell you about a short story blog that I set up called 'Tales From An Elevator' and I'm going to be posting up stories that I have written. My first story is called 'Death's Desire' and it's about Death attending a movie premiere. Check it out, http://talesfromanelevator.blogspot.com
,and if you like what you see leave us a comment

pickarooney

Personally, I find pretty much all stories featuring Death personified with some cute, human quirks very derivative. This one was little different.

You hint at Death's possible homosexuality/flamboyance a couple of times - why not have some more fun with that and lay it on a bit thicker?

The ending was a bit tame; I'm not entirely sure what happened although I assume Carlton got reaped.

There's a fair bit of needless repetition and contradiction, such as

Carlton was arriving home from the studio; he was just doing a final edit on his film, and had arrived back at his apartment.

He was arriving; he had arrived already ?

he carefully crashed down on the sofa

Very hard to imagine.

‘I don’t know, I don’t think your attendance wouldn’t go down too well with the crowd’

It would or it wouldn't?

She smiled and waved to the crowd as she traversed the red carpet

Generally people walk down/along rather than across red carpets.

In that case, Carlton and his cast stars walked down to the screen and bowed

Not sure what you mean there.

The instrusive narrative voice is off-putting (it sounds liek you're laughing at your own jokes). Same with the repeated use of 'anyway' and the like to draw yourself back from a tangent. Be more careful with line and paragraph breaks also.

I'm probably being overly critical (it's Monday, I'm tired) but I just didn't enjoy it much, I'm afraid.

segarox

So I'm not the best writer in the whole but at least, I'm trying. I admit that one was a bit pants but I thought the concept was solid. Thanks for the feedback by the way.

segarox

I've got my second story posted up there 'The Descent Into Insanity'