If its meant to be it will be...

supermouse

Hey girlies!

Have heard this saying soooo much lately, whilst struggling to get over a break -up! The amount of pals who have said ''if it will be it will be, in the future or in a few months''... another peach is ''whats for you will never pass you, what passes you was never for you''...

What do ye think of this ladies? Are they politely telling me to shut the flup up moaning and get on with things? Or does this really happen? Is there really such a thing as fate - have we only got one soulmate???

Any examples?!

SM X

CathyMoran

Well I beilieve in it, well certainly the later statement. In my case my lovely husband and I had a lot of bad break ups before things worked well for the two of us as a couple, it was 9 years from our first date to getting married...

supermouse

I really believe he is my soulmate but maybe we need to be our own people for a while before we can be with eachother again, before we can 100% commit!

Your story inspires me though Cathy, you go girl!!

Thanks for the faith

Any others? x

pow wow

I kind of believe it. I have a similar young man in my past and subscribed to this thinking because its benefits are two fold - it comforts you in the short/medium term, and by doing so allows you the time to perhaps come to the realisation that you two weren't right for each other after all.

I like to think two people who are meant for each other won't pass each other by and if they do, then they're maybe not as right for each other as one/both thinks they are

I doubt your friends are telling you to button it

Warfi

supermouse wrote: »

Have heard this saying soooo much lately, whilst struggling to get over a break -up! The amount of pals who have said ''if it will be it will be, in the future or in a few months''... another peach is ''whats for you will never pass you, what passes you was never for you''...

I've never heard this said by a person who's single. I don't want to hear it when I've broken up with someone, especially if it's from a person who's in a comfortable position. You feel like you're being patronised (well I do anyway)

Khannie

supermouse wrote: »

''whats for you will never pass you, what passes you was never for you''...

I heard this a while ago....not in relation to a break up, but a house we were bidding on and got shafted out of by the estate agent. At the time I was all "here....would you ever F**K OFF with that" but it couldn't have worked out better for us in the end.

On the original question, honestly, I think there's probably more than one person on the planet that you (not you specifically) could be very very happy with. With relationships I think you're definitely much better getting out of dodge if it wasn't gonna work out in the medium to long term.

cch

supermouse wrote:

''whats for you will never pass you, what passes you was never for you''...

Hate this saying, it's just putting a gloss on "**** happens, deal with it".

It's basic human nature, something big happens to you, whether by your own choice or not, and a certain path is picked and followed. As time passes you assimilate the experience into the person you are that day, if not with happiness then at least with acceptance and some understanding. So you look back with a skewed view and think "yeah that was for the best", but that's because it made you the person doing the analysing with the benefit of the experience of the intervening time!! And the alternative seems totally alien to you because it is so different to your current situation and state of mind!

Not sure I'm explaining it properly, but that saying just bugs me...

Novella

This is a tricky question! I think we make our own luck in life. I mean, if you want a guy, is sitting around thinking, "Yeah, it might happen in a few months", gonna get you anywhere?! That just sounds depressing to me. I think you should either tell him how you feel now and see what happens or just get over it and stop living with the fate thing in mind.

I don't mean to be harsh but tbh, sometimes, "If it's meant to be, it'll be", really is a gloss, just something people will say when they don't know what else to say to you and want you to feel better.

A few times, I have broken up with guys, or been dumped and thought I'd never get over it, lived for a while thinking we were meant to be and he'd be back but guess what, they never came back and I'm really happy today!

Often, in the aftermath of a break up, we focus too much on the good aspects of the relationship that has ended and wish we could have it back when really what would be best for us is to try move on. I don't know your story so maybe this isn't the case at all but if you have just come out of a relationship and still want the guy, but he doesn't want you, I do advise letting go and not hoping that fate will intervene. It just drags things out and makes you feel worse.

I'm not saying fate doesn't exist, I just don't think living thinking about it is a good or a healthy way to be. I mean, maybe he is "The One" and it will all work out but wouldn't it be better not to think like that, go out, have fun and perhaps one day be surprised by the reignition of your love?!

Sorry for going all PI on you there but I do hope everything works out for you, OP

Nervous Wreck

In fairness, it's probably all bull. I like to believe that I have a soulmate and that my life will one day end up perfect when we get (back) together and people will have parades and the stars will dance and the universe will take a moment to breathe at the accomplishment of achieving this amazing unity between me and this girl..... But the truth is more likely to be that human beings are a self-important, egotistical race who like to think we have a bigger stake in the grand scheme than anyone else and, as such, we think the universe revolves around our petty squabbles and trysts instead of allowing us to live inside of it. When I'm feeling down sometimes, I like to let myself believe that 'someday, all of this will fall together and I won't have to worry anymore' and it's a really comforting thought. But the universe doesn't do my bidding, only I do. So maybe the importance isn't on the existence of destiny or fate but on the belief that if we keep pushing past all the crap that comes our way and keep our heads up, life won't be able to keep us down and we can choose our own fate. To me, that's a much more worthwhile path to travel.

pikachucheeks

I definitely believe in that phrase. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Every decision we make becomes the right decision for us, because "the road not taken" no longer exists.
I think our decisions and fate combined mean that what's meant to be, will be.

If you're destined to be with someone, then you will be with them. When you're both in the right place and it's the right time.

I don't think it's possible to say "In five years, she / he will be just what I want and we'll be together" because time changes so much. People grow up, people change. People's perspectives on life changes and their goals and ambitions differ from when they were younger. You can't predetermine things like that, I think.

After a break-up, I think a lot of people do throw that phrase around "if it's meant to be, it will be" but I still think it holds meaning.

All you can do in life is be yourself, don't dwell on the past, on regrets, on mistakes too much ... and the right person will come along... whether you've dated them before or not!

Herbal Deity

Some people buy into wooly rhetoric, and if it makes them happy, then fair enough.

I just find it unconvincing and silly tbh. I'm all for positive thinking, but not for self-delusion.

pikachucheeks

Herbal Deity wrote: »

I'm all for positive thinking, but not for self-delusion.

I wouldn't class it as "self-delusion" to be honest.
It's just a theory that if something is right for you, destined to be, that it will work out. I wouldn't even say it's positive, it's more pragmatic and realistic.

Self-delusion would be you breaking up with someone, then convincing yourself that they'll come running back to you, begging for you to get back with them.

minidazzler

I don't really believe in this "meant to be" stuff, however I do believe that on a long enough timeline the chances of you meeting someone, who you would be willing to spend the rest of your life with, increase.

The problem is simply how long is that timeline and will you keep looking if you don't find it in a reasonable amount of time.

However, on topic, with if it's meant to be with a past relationship, I think that's bull really. Don't like it and I see it as a way for friends to get you to stop talking about it.

Love2love

I mostly believe it... Even the part of being dumped. Each experience whether good or bad shapes our personality. I know that without my previous relationship history my current relationship might not have lasted the distance it has as I have become more accepting and patient.

Just before meeting my OH I was suppose to be bridesmaid for my best friend. I went about helping her organise it for almost 2 years. 3 Months before the wedding she sent me a text saying that I wouldnt be in the wedding, she has chosen someone else out of a hat. I was extremely upset about it (had it been her sister I would have understood but it was someone she went to school with and had just recently met up with after 8 years)
Feeling a bit betrayed, I couldnt face the wedding and went to France for a couple of months and there I met my OH, we have a lovely son together and we are very happy. At the time what happened really hurt me but now I am extremely happy it did!

Oh The Humanity

Its all a load of b0ll0x tbi. Platitudes is what they are.

'Whats for ye wont pass ye' =Eh, yes it will. Often. Fact.

Billions of times in the world people have lost something they richly deserved, something that would have suited them perfectly, solved their problems, something that was a perfect fit.........for no reason or reasons as meaningless as could be.

A parent turns their back for a moment and their child is snatched....
Someone is raped and gets HIV...
A deleriously happy newlywed couple on their way to their honeymoon one of them dies in a car crash....
A well loved person dies young while pedos and murderers live for ever.......

To look for meaning in this is futile. There is no 'meaning'. People saying after tragedy 'it made me a better person so it was worth it' are lying to themselves. If they could turn the clock back they would still rather it didn't happen.

''it was meant to be"

No, it wasn't. Its a random, binary, meaningless sequence of events. There is no 'plan' -someone in charge looking after it all.

Its not all going to be alright. Its not alright now.

I really hate these types of statements because they force expectations on people that things should work out. Things might work out but then again maybe they wont.

The very worse one is 'I believe everything happens for a reason' :rolleyes:

No, it doesn't. Consider the gorgeous 2 year old getting strangled accidentally by a curtain cord.... What reason is there for that. None. I can't bear that one.

Will

I don't really subscribe to that ideal. Life is too complicated and in my opinion can't be as easily summarised with the saying 'if it was meant to be it will be' especially when it comes to relationships and emotions.

Sometimes the circumstances aren't ideal, you or the other person may be in a bad place etc. There are way too many variables which can affect a person let alone two people in a relationship. It may work if the circumstances were different but you can't go back in time. To recite the saying to someone I would find it annoying to say the least. It's quite airy fairy. I'd much rather someone say "sh¡t happens & get over it mate".

It's more of a realistic view, a lot less romantic and maybe a bit too blunt (I'd never say it to someone) but it's how I deal with it. The other view as others have said can be a bit delusional, leaving a lil shred of hope deep down inside you. I see that as setting yourself up for a fall.

By all means wait for someone if you feel they are worth it, but don't pass up other opportunities while waiting, that's just silly. Life isn't some disney movie where we all live happily ever after, a dash of realism can help sometimes.

If you meet someone you're very into and it doesn't work, it's a shame yeah but at least you gave it a shot. It's better to have given it a go and it gone pear shaped than not trying and spending a few weeks/months wondering "what if?" The "what ifs" are a killer.

So in short.

Give it a shot, wait if you must but don't be foolish, if it doesn't work out, sh¡t happens move on when time is right for you, don't put yourself in the situation where you ask yourself "what if...?"

Wibbs

I would take the middle path in this. Do I think everything happens for a reason or ce sera sera? Not particularly. Do I think it's all meaningless? Nope the very act of ascribing meaning gives something meaning for a person and it can be a very good emotional defence against the unimaginable(like the example of the child Oh The Humanity gave) or against the emotionally difficult like a breakup.

IMH it seems platitudes and the like are built in to humanity, a "faith" in the other(not always religion either). Many studies have shown a link between religious belief and longevity so it seems to be an evolutionary thing too. Excessive nihilism I would put on the other end of the scale as excessive magical thinking. They would be both unhealthy if taken to extreme again IMHO.

All of us have different ways to explain the world. As a species we've been entangled in that quest for as long as we've been around. Some seek that through science, others philosophy, others faith and yes platitudes. Or a little from column A and a little from column B. So long as it doesn't become an unhealthy mental pursuit I say fine.

As far as romantic love I think the ce sera sera is similar to "love at first sight", it has some reasoning behind it, but is often self fulfilling, self regulating and based on what has happened in the past. So if a woman meets a guy and they have that spark thing and it lasts then 20 years down the line they believe in love at first sight and they're absolutely correct in their case. It may even help the relationship through the rough patches because of this belief. Of course for the couple that doesn't last, then they will say no it wasn't love at first sight and maybe love at first sight doesn't exist and they're dead right too.

Same for "whatever will be". If you believe that about a person, it could have a basis in fact. You may be someone who has a small enough section of people you find yourself compatible with and if you meet one of those people who ticks the boxes, you'll see that as fate. Again it may help the relationship as you'll work harder for who you believe is your soulmate(esp if you're not compatible with many). If it lasts you look back and believe in this notion and you would be correct in your case. If it doesn't last you will say they weren't the "one". Again you would be correct.

People can also have short memories and can reset the love switch easier than others. I've heard women(and a few men, though less so) say they're mad about A, he's their soulmate and they can't imagine life without him. Fast forward a year and they leave A. Then they meet B and hes now the "one" and the soulmate and they believed both at the time.

TL;DR? Whatever floats your boat and whatever gets you through the night. If it works for you to believe it fair play. If it doesn't fair play too. For me I'll believe it when I wake up on my 20 year anniversary after ups and downs of those years turn over, look at her and know I was a lucky man and she was a lucky woman. Hopefully I'll be correct.

The Big Red Button

Well, put it this way. If you believe that saying, then:

• In five years time, you end up back with him and you're happy. You'll say, "It was obviously what was meant to be all along."
• In five years time, you are with another guy and you're happy. You'll say, "It was obviously what was meant to be all along."
• In five years time, you're single and you're happy. You'll say, "It was obviously what was meant to be all along."

You can attribute basically anything that happens (and that doesn't happen) in life to fate/karma etc, but that's not to say that you couldn't be happy doing something else, or with someone else.

You'll get a lot more out of life if you just live for today, do what makes you happy and fulfilled today (within reason!!), than if you constantly worry too much about the overall scheme of things.

supermouse

In relation to the break up - there's a massive long story behind it but basically a few issues with each of our emotions and ability to deal with issues from the past.

Im currently away and hope that when i come back, we'll both have had space to develop ourselves and maybe be able to work past our problems.

Im not living in a bubble either, i am having a great time over here, and plan on having an even bigger adventure in the next few months. Just have a little bit of hope that my fairy god-mother will sort this one out for me!!

Eviledna

I think the motive behind the saying is to remind someone that is going through a tough time that there is a bigger picture.

It's true it can be applied to anything, but think about it, when you are upset during a break-up, it's hard to move on, to think of anything except what once was that is no more. Saying that "if it is meant for you it won't pass you" is offering the suggestion of hope for an alternative bright outcome to the one you have already considered, possibly committed to.

And that is a true statement. You can only live your life, no one elses, and what will happen to you will happen to you alone, from your perspective. So if you were to get preoccupied in a feedback loop (which is so easy to do) with the notion of a loss, be it grief or breakup, nothing could break you out of it UNLESS you had a break clause. The hope of an alternative situation to the one at hand is that break clause.

Essentially it is as simple as saying that time passes and situations change. It's meant as comfort to give you hope, because there is always hope. Always.
They are not telling you to shut up. They are telling you to try to change your perspective on it.

ConsiderThis

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I wouldn't class it as "self-delusion" to be honest.
It's just a theory that if something is right for you, destined to be, that it will work out. I wouldn't even say it's positive, it's more pragmatic and realistic.

Self-delusion would be you breaking up with someone, then convincing yourself that they'll come running back to you, begging for you to get back with them.

That sounds like the fatalists argument that it its meant to be, it's meant to be. Fate is what happens anyway, and we all have the power to change or alter our lives to affect the outcome, which seems to suggest fate is hogwash.

nesbitt

Statements like these are just a bit of 'salve' for when you feel upset and washed up, and needing some verbal TLC.

Azureus

Loads of people are ragging on these phrases, and lets be honest-phrases are all they really are (albeit with a lil bit of vague theory behind them to cheer you up in a time of need) but whats so wrong with a bit of hope? its what gets people through, same with religion, same with whatever! it provides comfort until something better comes along and then youll say, as an earlier poster said, 'it WAS meant to be' regardless of the outcome. Call it fate, call it karma, we will always find a way through life whether you want to put labels and meanings on it or not.
I like to think that out of bad comes good, even if its not in equivocal measure (ie im not saying that a death of a child leads to good things, but out of that death might bring some small piece of hope for example bring others closer etc) its hard to explain, and many might not agree but its just my 2cents

entropi

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

It is true though, if you believe in fate that is:) I do and have at times used that very phrase to people in general conversation, however everything DOES happen for a reason, like it or not:D

All you can do in life is be yourself, don't dwell on the past, on regrets, on mistakes too much ... and the right person will come along...

And this statement is why my life has only gotten better in the past few years:D Only time i look back is to see how far i've come since then and keep on moving forward. The right person though...i actually could not care less as i'm quite happy being single lol but if it happens, then it was meant to happen!

Snowie

its kinda like does the path choose the walker or does the walker choose the path...

i dont really agree with either sayings as the walker walks with choice.
but the path presents it self to the walker giving the walker the choice of a different path it may lead you some where bu t who not to say 5 years down the road you may be in the same position if you had gone downa different path..

I think some times there points in life when you just know your supposed to be there at that moment.

Call it experence call it some sort of fate, but a few time's I've had that feeling.

SeekUp

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I really hate these types of statements because they force expectations on people that things should work out. Things might work out but then again maybe they wont.

The very worse one is 'I believe everything happens for a reason' :rolleyes:

My biggest problem with this phrase is that it often absolves a person of some responsibility. Rather than taking a proactive role in their lives, people often simply react; if something doesn't work out, it's not because they had anything to do with it, or that they could've worked at it . . . it's because "everything happens for a reason." Pfft.

I also think this is a very generational thing, this laid back "if it happens, it happens" attitude.

Eviledna wrote: »

I think the motive behind the saying is to remind someone that is going through a tough time that there is a bigger picture.

It's always nice to get a bit of perspective, I agree 100%.

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I definitely believe in that phrase. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Every decision we make becomes the right decision for us, because "the road not taken" no longer exists.
I think our decisions and fate combined mean that what's meant to be, will be.

Isn't that like fate by default, or something? You chose one thing, and because you've chosen it and can't go back in time, that becomes the right choice for you . . . not because it was the "right" choice for you, but because you can't do anything about it. It becomes a bit cyclical doesn't it? Was it the right choice because you chose it, or did you choose it because it was the right choice?

pikachucheeks wrote: »

If you're destined to be with someone, then you will be with them. When you're both in the right place and it's the right time.

I think this sentiment is really powerful. I don't agree, but the idea is a strong one.

hollyday

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Its all a load of b0ll0x tbi. Platitudes is what they are.

'Whats for ye wont pass ye' =Eh, yes it will. Often. Fact.

Billions of times in the world people have lost something they richly deserved, something that would have suited them perfectly, solved their problems, something that was a perfect fit.........for no reason or reasons as meaningless as could be.

A parent turns their back for a moment and their child is snatched....
Someone is raped and gets HIV...
A deleriously happy newlywed couple on their way to their honeymoon one of them dies in a car crash....
A well loved person dies young while pedos and murderers live for ever.......

To look for meaning in this is futile. There is no 'meaning'. People saying after tragedy 'it made me a better person so it was worth it' are lying to themselves. If they could turn the clock back they would still rather it didn't happen.

''it was meant to be"

No, it wasn't. Its a random, binary, meaningless sequence of events. There is no 'plan' -someone in charge looking after it all.

Its not all going to be alright. Its not alright now.

I really hate these types of statements because they force expectations on people that things should work out. Things might work out but then again maybe they wont.

The very worse one is 'I believe everything happens for a reason' :rolleyes:

No, it doesn't. Consider the gorgeous 2 year old getting strangled accidentally by a curtain cord.... What reason is there for that. None. I can't bear that one.

*Completely agree with you, don't mean to sound completely pessimistic but why would someone out there be looking down on us to make sure everything is alright in our relationship or whatever when a lot worse things are happening in the world to innocent people. Are us and our feelings more important than them living or dying?? Don't think so.... Things don't happen for a reason, we ourselves and other influences make them turn out the way they do...

metrovelvet

I think this particular platitude is one which ushers in the sentiments of both acceptance and letting go, an acknowlegement that there are limits to our mastery over our future and that it's time to just let it go, all of it, including its tailwings of hope.

I dont think it has anything to do with things happenning for a reason or some hidden plan or what is meant for you wont pass you. Nothing to do with any of that.

Boston

Anyone who believes that life will always work itself out for the best, or that only good things will happen if your a good person, are setting themselves up for a fall. Anything of value in life takes pain, heartache and struggle to obtain.

CathyMoran wrote: »

Well I beilieve in it, well certainly the later statement. In my case my lovely husband and I had a lot of bad break ups before things worked well for the two of us as a couple, it was 9 years from our first date to getting married...

And did it work out between you two due to some cosmically defined destiny or did it take a huge amouth of hard work on both sides? Anyone whose happy in life is able to look back at the hardships they endured and say, they were for the best, they helped get me to where I am now. Anyone who isn't looks upon these events as just being crap.

CathyMoran

Boston wrote: »

Anyone who believes that life will always work itself out for the best, or that only good things will happen if your a good person, are setting themselves up for a fall. Anything of value in life takes pain, heartache and struggle to obtain.



And did it work out between you two due to some cosmically defined destiny or did it take a huge amouth of hard work on both sides? Anyone whose happy in life is able to look back at the hardships they endured and say, they were for the best, they helped get me to where I am now. Anyone who isn't looks upon these events as just being crap.

I cant say that all the hardships were good, would do anything to go back and elope after 2 years together. There was a very good phrase that I heard that "miracles take a lot of work" that has applied to other aspects of my life (eg, if you re ill, you need to go to the doctor!) There were phases when we both gave up, sometimes at the same time but we had such a solid friendship that we could not stop caring. I am aware that is just us but I do believe in the original phrase.