What to do - cheated on wife

worriedman

Married 10 years, gorgeous wife and 2 kids, been faithful since day I met her. 4 months ago on a stag, got rotten drunk, woke up beside a strange girl in her apartment, no memory of anything except the start of the night as Im not really a big drinker.

absolutely racked with guilt ever since, discussed with a close friend and he said best thing you can do is write it off to experience and forget about it as he knows Ive never done it before.

So that was 4 months ago, last week or so Im noticing things downstairs that resemble the symptoms of an infection of some sort. Obviously need to get it checked out. Do I get it checked out discreetly, hope its not and count our blessings or do I tell wife now?

Wife and I have discussed things like this in the past and shes always said even though she and I think we've got just about the strongest relationship, if I ever cheated on her, then that would be it, game over. Drink is not an excuse.

Im under no illusion of the impact of what happened and the effect that cheating will have on our relationship so am more interested in peoples thoughts on whether I should tell her now or wait for results.

BroomBurner

Get yourself checked out asap. If it turns out you do have something, you're going to have to tell your wife, in case she has it too.

As for telling her otherwise, that's for your own conscience to decide.

LegacyUser

these types of post make me laugh. all you are looking for is the folks who come on to tell you it is best to keep it to yourself...........like your "friend" did. so now not only were you unfaithful but you have also told someone who most likely told others! for me that would make me say goodbye faster than the act itself.....the fact that others know about it.

Anyway whatever you have picked up will have to be checked and if you have also infected you wife she will then be told.

hornyfemale

Go to your GP. Get checked out and then take it from there. If you have an infection you'll have to tell your wife so she can get it checked out. Whether or not you tell her how you got it is up to you

OS119

as has been said - get yourself checked out. if you're clean then you at least then have the option of what, if anything, to tell your wife.

if you are genuinely telling the truth about having no recollection whatsoever about the evening - particularly about the girl, whether you remember speaking to her or having any contact with her at all before you woke-up, however hazy - then i would say you may be within your 'rights' not to tell your wife about the episode.

my reasoning is that of 'consent'. if you didn't consent, then you didn't cheat - indeed under English Law (obviously not applicable in the RoI but perhaps a helpful pointer to some of the thinking that's been done on this issue) - a person who has sex with another person who, while they may be conscious, is too drunk to be considered capable of giving consent (and regardless of the first persons' own inebriation and ability to decide if the other person is too drunk to give consent) is considered to be guilty of rape.

obviously that's an legal/intellectual point - its under some debate as you can imagine and its quite likely that no two people will ever agree precisely what constitutes rape where large quantities of drink are involved on both sides - but no one would, perhaps outside Saudi Arabia, describe a rape victim as an adulterer...

just something to think about, assuming you're being honest...

fuzzywiggle

Get it checked out as soon as you can and say nothing. If you're clear then don't ever drink as much as you did that night again and put it down to life experience.

Although i'm wondering if you were really as drunk as you say you were, then how could you even perform with a woman? And also, yeah you didn't mean it and all that..was a total mistake but are you sure there's nothing underlying there? Cheating is cheating afterall. Can't put it all down to the drink so what was the reason for doing it?

If you're not in the clear then you're going to have to tell your wife, if she gets an STI she's going to be wondering how she got it anyway and will be obviously suspicious of you. And even if she doesn't have symtoms, untreated STI's are dangerous.

worriedman

these types of post make me laugh. all you are looking for is the folks who come on to tell you it is best to keep it to yourself...........like your "friend" did. so now not only were you unfaithful but you have also told someone who most likely told others! for me that would make me say goodbye faster than the act itself.....the fact that others know about it.

Im not on here wanting to be specifically told one thing or another, I was hoping to see a general concensus of what would be the best thing to do as Ive not been in this situation before.

The enormity of the destruction on our family life that will follow is whats preventing me from telling her, would you say that is outweighed by me being honest with her? Yes, I am of the opinion that its probably not to tell her, however, if informed posters came back and said that it would actually be better to tell her then I would reconsider.

And not sure what kind of friends you have but the friend I confided in is indeed a true friend Ive known for better part of 20 years and discussed a lot of options with me before coming to the conclusion that it was best to not say anything. I'm not 16 and hanging round the school yard.

worriedman

fuzzywiggle wrote: »

Get it checked out as soon as you can and say nothing. If you're clear then don't ever drink as much as you did that night again and put it down to life experience.

Although i'm wondering if you were really as drunk as you say you were, then how could you even perform with a woman? And also, yeah you didn't mean it and all that..was a total mistake but are you sure there's nothing underlying there? Cheating is cheating afterall. Can't put it all down to the drink so what was the reason for doing it?

If you're not in the clear then you're going to have to tell your wife, if she gets an STI she's going to be wondering how she got it anyway and will be obviously suspicious of you. And even if she doesn't have symtoms, untreated STI's are dangerous.

I know it sounds suspect but take the post on face value, the night happened the way I described, Im not on here looking to be excused by veiling it with the old "cant remember" line.

Of the guys that were on the night out I really only know the groom quite well. From speaking to him, he didnt know too much of what happened as he was apparently worse then me. He said last he remembered we were in a club in town and there was a lot of shots being ordered which is about my last memory too. And that really was it. Next thing I know Im making excuses and running out of an apartment. I was still drunk so even the get-out is hazy, I know I didnt ask the girl anything about the night before.

Agreed as well, Ive questioned myself a thousand times and tried to ask myself if the act itself occurred due to me having underlying issues in my relationship but I cant come up with an answer of any sort to justify it so Im putting it down to drink. As I said, I really dont drink too much when socialising as I know I cant, 5 or 6 pints would be a bit much for me let alone a load of shots.

Lesson learned? Big time.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Firstly, i feel really really sorry for your 'beautiful wife' and two kids.
I dont believe that you just woke up in a strangers house, after being married for ten years, im presuming you are old enough to know how you get there and no amount of drink leads to that, not to mention the added difficulty of performing after a memory altering amount of alcohol in fairness, im not suprised your wife wouldn't buy it.
The other thing is, that you said this incident happened 4 MONTHS AGO, your only even considering telling your wife now as you might be caught out anyway!! You've had NO intention of coming clean or you would have done it by now....
Get tested, but either way, your wife deserves to know the man she probably describes as a loving husband, your only insulting the woman and if your going to post here, dont try to manipulate people into telling you what you want to hear, i dont believe that you ever had any intention of coming clean, not after 4 months anyway.
How do you get into bed every night and pretend your who she think you are! Get tested... Come clean, let her decide if she still wants to be with you...

Taltos

I can't tell you whether or not to tell your wife.
Not sure what I would do in your place as my wife and I have discussed cheating too and we both know that if the other did so then we would be gone.

However - you need to get yourself to a doc pronto and get diagnosed / treated asap. When you know what the story is then you can consider what to tell your wife - as depending on what you have you might have no choice but to tell her.

Some other things to consider
> the girl - does she know you / how to get in touch - might have to for paternity.
> basic sti's - you can get treated but even some of those carry with them risks for your wife - so you need to make sure you are fully informed by the doc as to the risks to your wife.
> more serious sti's - hiv/aids - it might take some time and repeated tests before you know you are clear. In the meantime what do you tell your wife or will you now practice safe sex?

worriedman

Hi OP,
Firstly, i feel really really sorry for your 'beautiful wife' and two kids.
I dont believe that you just woke up in a strangers house, after being married for ten years, im presuming you are old enough to know how you get there and no amount of drink leads to that, not to mention the added difficulty of performing after a memory altering amount of alcohol in fairness, im not suprised your wife wouldn't buy it.

I really dont know why youre questioning the story, do you want me to say "yes , I do remember, I was out chatting up a girl, she asked me back, I said yes cos Im a cheating so and so." Take that part of the story as true and just move on. I havent had many "cant remember" nights over the years (2-3 times?) in my 25 or so years of an adult life, but when Ive had them, Ive been with my wife and had to be filled in with the mount of drink I had. They happen.

The other thing is, that you said this incident happened 4 MONTHS AGO, your only even considering telling your wife now as you might be caught out anyway!! You've had NO intention of coming clean or you would have done it by now....

No, Ive been considering telling my wife from the day it happened, after weighing up all the factors I chose not to.

Get tested, but either way, your wife deserves to know the man she probably describes as a loving husband, your only insulting the woman and if your going to post here, dont try to manipulate people into telling you what you want to hear, i dont believe that you ever had any intention of coming clean, not after 4 months anyway.

Im insulting her? I dont understand that. Im posting anonymously looking for generic advice on a situation that could have happened to any guy in the same situation. And before anyone jumps on that I dont mean it would happen to every guy, Im just saying it could happen.

How do you get into bed every night and pretend your who she think you are! Get tested... Come clean, let her decide if she still wants to be with you...

I try to put it in context and pretend that night didnt happen as the alternative would be to destroy a family and everything associated with that. But this post isn't about that.

LegacyUser

worriedman wrote: »

Im not on here wanting to be specifically told one thing or another, I was hoping to see a general concensus of what would be the best thing to do as Ive not been in this situation before.

The enormity of the destruction on our family life that will follow is whats preventing me from telling her, would you say that is outweighed by me being honest with her? Yes, I am of the opinion that its probably not to tell her, however, if informed posters came back and said that it would actually be better to tell her then I would reconsider.

And not sure what kind of friends you have but the friend I confided in is indeed a true friend Ive known for better part of 20 years and discussed a lot of options with me before coming to the conclusion that it was best to not say anything. I'm not 16 and hanging round the school yard.

Do you think that nobody on your stag night knows you were with this girl?? Do you think nobody you know saw you with her? how can you be sure if you can remember nothing?

I hope you are right about your friend! I have to say i would never trust a soul with that kind of info as it will come out!
Would it not be better to hear it from you than someone else?
Hopefully girly is not preggers!!
and hopefully you have not passed your infection to your wife!

what i get from: "The enormity of the destruction on our family life" is a man who just does not want their little world to be turned upside down.

OS119

sketches wrote: »

what i get from: "The enormity of the destruction on our family life" is a man who just does not want their little world to be turned upside down.

to be fair, its not just 'his' little world that'll be turned upside down by his misses bundling the kids into the car and calling him 'that bastard' till she's 90...

OP, assuming you can do four things (be clean, never do it again, never want to do it again, and be reasonably sure that in 5 months you aren't going to get a solicitors letter) i'd be very tempted to kick this into the long grass.

if we accept that a) you cheated - though see my above post, and b) nothing you can do can make it right, you have a duty to manage the consequences for all the innocent involved - your wife and kids: none of whom is going to be 'better off' following a 'truth-telling' session and the inevitable acrimonious divorce.

if this is genuinely an aberation, and one that both you don't want to repeat and that won't bite you and your wife in the arse via a dose of clap or a paternity suit, then i'd keep shtum. in this case the truth - and what truth? you don't know anything of substance - isn't going to make anyone better off.

its your problem, you deal with it - don't salve your conscience by palming it off on your wife and letting her deal with it.

Johnnnybravo

Have you had sex with your wife since??

Tell her, you have to tell her, std`s can be spread from sharing the same bed clothes. She needs to also get herself checked out.

There are 2 separate issues here, what you did was bad enough on its own but yes everybody makes mistakes. Dont make the 2nd mistake a conscious one, tell her and at least let the woman get checked out. If she has got something from you its going to come out, at least come clean about it. Cheating is one thing but if you suspect you caught an std, show some respect for your wife and her health and make her get checked out.

Boskowski

For starters, I find the level of hypocrisy, bigotry and self-righteousness here quite disturbing.

A lot of 'perfect' people around here it seems.

Anyway...

OP, get yourself checked out. You should have done that a long time ago, not just now that something looks fishy. You owe that to your wife. Big time.
If you owe her the truth is not for anyone but yourself to decide. Morally you do, but there is of course that dilemma that the truth may be more damaging than anything else. However if the GP visit turns out to be serious this will restrict your options. I guess you already know all this.

opinion guy

OP I'm not sure I have too much useful to say apart from get urself to a doctor asap. As to whether to tell her or not - ur going to have to be guided by your own conscience on that one

But do you think we can all stop the moralistic beating up of the OP ? its really not achieving anything

worriedman

realcam wrote: »

For starters, I find the level of hypocrisy, bigotry and self-righteousness here quite disturbing.

A lot of 'perfect' people around here it seems.

Anyway...

OP, get yourself checked out. You should have done that a long time ago, not just now that something looks fishy. You owe that to your wife. Big time.
If you owe her the truth is not for anyone but yourself to decide. Morally you do, but there is of course that dilemma that the truth may be more damaging than anything else. However if the GP visit turns out to be serious this will restrict your options. I guess you already know all this.

I wasnt exactly promiscuous in my younger days but always took precautions when with someone so its not something that entered my mind until last week or so. ie (naievly obviously), its not something I automatically think of.

I still think its a possibility nothing may have happened that night so probably pushed it to the back of my mind and any symptoms I ahve maybe from somethign non-sti. Thats one benefit of being married, you're supposed to be able to stop worrying about these things. Or so it seemed.

Ive got from the measured answers much of what I was thinking anyway, Im off to a clinic next couple of days for full suite of checks, if positive on anything then Ive obviously only route forward and explain as best I can, if negative, then its one for the dark recesses of my mind.

my thanks to all contributors.

Johnnnybravo

worriedman wrote: »

I wasnt exactly promiscuous in my younger days but always took precautions when with someone so its not something that entered my mind until last week or so. ie (naievly obviously), its not something I automatically think of.

I still think its a possibility nothing may have happened that night so probably pushed it to the back of my mind and any symptoms I ahve maybe from somethign non-sti. Thats one benefit of being married, you're supposed to be able to stop worrying about these things. Or so it seemed.

Ive got from the measured answers much of what I was thinking anyway, Im off to a clinic next couple of days for full suite of checks, if positive on anything then Ive obviously only route forward and explain as best I can, if negative, then its one for the dark recesses of my mind.

my thanks to all contributors.

Good plan. I think if it is nothing sti related then just be grateful, lesson learned know yer limits re alcohol and leave it at that. It was a drunken mistake no point dragging it up ruining a marriage over it. I know I`ll be slated for that but I see no good in landing it on your wife. People make mistakes.

Let us know how you get on. Good luck with it.

AMK

If you have caught something you have to tell her because she will require medical attention too. In that event you don't have any choice in the matter.

If you're lucky, you still have a choice. You and she have talked about infidelity and she has made her views clear.

Realistically speaking many marriages survive infidelity, particularly when it's of this nature and not a long-term affair. Telling your wife about this would place a huge burden on her shoulders as she would have to decide whether to end the marriage or not. It would also take a huge burden off yours. Does she need to know or do you need to tell?

I think if your repentence is genuine and if you are lucky enough to have a choice in this matter, you should accept your guilt and the worry she might find out as punishment for your actions, keep your mouth shut and never, ever let anything like this happen again.

Dromineer

Honesty pays an awful lot, and remember, many secrets are never kept hidden in the dark forever, and inasmuch as i would hate having my partner confess about being unfaithful... It would be a whole lot more difficult for me to forgive him if i found out the story from someone else, as opposed to him facing up to it.

I wish you all the best

brendansmith

I would keep it to myself tbh.

You have to be brave enough to hold this secret close to your chest, show no weakness and keep yourself in sound mind at all times around your wife so as not to let it slip.

You have done a stupid thing but now you just have to remember is what she dosnt know wont hurt her or the kids.

Hope the check up dosnt turn up anything. Be smarter in future but im sure this scare will have taught you that anyway.

Taltos

worriedman wrote: »

I havent had many "cant remember" nights over the years (2-3 times?) in my 25 or so years of an adult life, but when Ive had them, Ive been with my wife and had to be filled in with the mount of drink I had. They happen.

Mate - "They Happen" - I mean WTF????
I have had 1 night like this. Seriously messed up my life and friendships as well as hurting a decent innocent person.

They do NOT just happen. After 1 night like this I have never ever looked back and have always ensured that when out I now control myself.

Take some responsibility there. FFS.

Glad to hear you are getting checked out though - really hope you get the all clear. Just make sure you learn from this - seems like you never learnt from your other nights.

Oh The Humanity

I wasnt exactly promiscuous in my younger days but always took precautions when with someone so its not something that entered my mind until last week or so. ie (naievly obviously), its not something I automatically think of.

I still think its a possibility nothing may have happened that night so probably pushed it to the back of my mind and any symptoms I ahve maybe from somethign non-sti. Thats one benefit of being married, you're supposed to be able to stop worrying about these things. Or so it seemed.

The cheating I could deal with. But my primary concern would be getting an STI. I have always been extremely careful and vigilant about STI's.

If my partner fcuked up on a massive scale like this and removed my choices about my body, possibly gave me warts/chlamidiya/HIV I would be incandescent and that I could never forgive.

Do you realise you might have ruined your wifes fertility? OR you might have sentanced her to death?

I'll be honest, in your circumstances, the sex I could get over. Probably.
Its the fact you probably didn't use a condom that would be the deal breaker for me.

You have been an utter fool. You have to tell your wife, nothing to do with the sex or infidelity now, thats irrelevant in the bigger picture.

You have exposed her to serious health problems and you cant cover that up. There is no decision to be made here. Forget the relationship, this is way beyond that.

worriedman

Taltos wrote: »

Mate - "They Happen" - I mean WTF????
I have had 1 night like this. Seriously messed up my life and friendships as well as hurting a decent innocent person.

They do NOT just happen. After 1 night like this I have never ever looked back and have always ensured that when out I now control myself.

Take some responsibility there. FFS.

Glad to hear you are getting checked out though - really hope you get the all clear. Just make sure you learn from this - seems like you never learnt from your other nights.

not sure what you mean, you sayd they dont happen and then say you had 1 night like this? thats the point I was trying to make, once offs happen.

Id hoped I was clear on that, when I said 2-3 nights of the "cant remember the end of the night", I mean I was out with friends and/or family and there really wasnt a problem. This is the first time Ive been like this when outside of my immediate social circle.

I dont drink midweek, go for a few pints maybe once a month with some friends, share a bottle of wine at a meal on weekends, thats pretty much it. I dont drink heavy, but I didnt want to concentrate on the drink side of this. The lesson has been learned on that front no matter what the result of checkup is.

Taltos

worriedman wrote: »

not sure what you mean, you sayd they dont happen and then say you had 1 night like this? thats the point I was trying to make, once offs happen.

Id hoped I was clear on that, when I said 2-3 nights of the "cant remember the end of the night", I mean I was out with friends and/or family and there really wasnt a problem. This is the first time Ive been like this when outside of my immediate social circle.

I dont drink midweek, go for a few pints maybe once a month with some friends, share a bottle of wine at a meal on weekends, thats pretty much it. I dont drink heavy, but I didnt want to concentrate on the drink side of this. The lesson has been learned on that front no matter what the result of checkup is.

What I am saying is you know you have an issue where you "black out".
Just like I know.
So why the hell did you get yourself into a situation where you blacked out again?
1st time is a learning exp - hopefully nothing bad happens (or in my case it did) - but after that - you know that it is a possibility and you cop the hell on.
Anything less than that is sheer recklessness and stupidity. I had 1 blackout when I was 18 - I am now in my 30s and have never ever put myself or my loved ones in that situation again. What makes you think it is already to be this reckless.

Pls read the post above on what you could have done to your wife - infertility / death - really hope the blackout was worth it.

OS119

Taltos wrote: »

Pls read the post above on what you could have done to your wife - infertility / death - really hope the blackout was worth it.

he's going to to get tested, you can read that i assume - exactly what would telling his wife 'you may have something nasty' without knowing if she might be at risk achieve?

if she's got something from this little disaster she's had it four months, waiting another week isn't going to make any difference at this stage.

and yes, he was a total throbber for not getting tested in the first week...

Taltos

OS119 wrote: »

he's going to to get tested, you can read that i assume - exactly what would telling his wife 'you may have something nasty' without knowing if she might be at risk achieve?

if she's got something from this little disaster she's had it four months, waiting another week isn't going to make any difference at this stage.

and yes, he was a total throbber for not getting tested in the first week...

What has that got to do with my point in regards to being aware of blacking out?
I am assuming that you must have missed the point of my post. Either I was not being clear enough or possibly my ire at not being responsible ran you down the rabbit hole of thinking I was telling him to tell his wife now...

eviltwin

Cannot believe you waited 4 months OP...god knows what you have given your poor wife..you should have gone to the clinic months ago

You made a mistake and you do seem to be remorseful so I would put it down to a bad experience and learn from it but you really need to have a look at your drinking habits if this is the outcome. You were lucky in one respect..you could have ended up in hospital or worse.

Count yourself lucky and learn from the experience..your kids deserve a dad who acts like a man and not a lad.

worriedman

Taltos wrote: »

What I am saying is you know you have an issue where you "black out".
Just like I know.
So why the hell did you get yourself into a situation where you blacked out again?
1st time is a learning exp - hopefully nothing bad happens (or in my case it did) - but after that - you know that it is a possibility and you cop the hell on.
Anything less than that is sheer recklessness and stupidity. I had 1 blackout when I was 18 - I am now in my 30s and have never ever put myself or my loved ones in that situation again. What makes you think it is already to be this reckless.

Pls read the post above on what you could have done to your wife - infertility / death - really hope the blackout was worth it.

why would you say
"really hope the blackout was worth it" did I give you some indication that I enjoyed anything about what happened for it be "worth it"? From the second I woke up that morning, my life has been turned upside down question everything that I thought was sacred for the rest of my life.

the tests are complete, 10 days for results.

Taltos

worriedman wrote: »

why would you say
"really hope the blackout was worth it" did I give you some indication that I enjoyed anything about what happened for it be "worth it"? From the second I woke up that morning, my life has been turned upside down question everything that I thought was sacred for the rest of my life.

the tests are complete, 10 days for results.

I said this as you knew from experience that you suffer blackouts. If this had been the first time I would have been alot easier on you. However as I said - I too get these and I just do not understand how someone who also gets these just cannot take responsibility to ensure that they do not reoccur.
After what happened to me on my first blackout nearly 20 yrs ago I have always been careful not to get into a similar situation - supposedly I got up to stuff that was totally out of character for me - or at least I thought it was.

If it came across as particularly harsh I apologise. Who knows you might even have had your drink spiked. I guess for this thread I just put myself in your shoes a bit too much and possibly directed the anger that I would have felt at myself to you, though I bet you are probably already feeling that way.

Really hope though that you get the all clear. Try to put this out of your head for the next 10 days / 2 wks.

Johnnnybravo

Taltos wrote: »

I said this as you knew from experience that you suffer blackouts. If this had been the first time I would have been alot easier on you. However as I said - I too get these and I just do not understand how someone who also gets these just cannot take responsibility to ensure that they do not reoccur.
After what happened to me on my first blackout nearly 20 yrs ago I have always been careful not to get into a similar situation - supposedly I got up to stuff that was totally out of character for me - or at least I thought it was.

If it came across as particularly harsh I apologise. Who knows you might even have had your drink spiked. I guess for this thread I just put myself in your shoes a bit too much and possibly directed the anger that I would have felt at myself to you, though I bet you are probably already feeling that way.

Really hope though that you get the all clear. Try to put this out of your head for the next 10 days / 2 wks.

Doubtful he was spiked, he said himself 5 6 pints usually gets him drunk, it was the shots, so no point giving the guy ideas to use as excuses if he does have to tell the misses.

He made a mistake, anybody who says they never did is a liar but I think we can deduce from his normal drinking habits that he was not spiked and just drank too much.

I think the HIV test takes a bit longer than 10 days doesnt it??

Oh The Humanity

Johnnnybravo wrote: »

Doubtful he was spiked, he said himself 5 6 pints usually gets him drunk, it was the shots, so no point giving the guy ideas to use as excuses if he does have to tell the misses.

He made a mistake, anybody who says they never did is a liar but I think we can deduce from his normal drinking habits that he was not spiked and just drank too much.

I think the HIV test takes a bit longer than 10 days doesnt it??

Well, something like the antibodies could show up within 30 days of expsoure and this incident happened months ago?

However, it would be no harm to get another one in about 6 months.

There are other nasties though. Really scary, horrible ones.

dudara

Johnnnybravo wrote: »

I think the HIV test takes a bit longer than 10 days doesnt it??

It can't be performed until a certain amount of time has elapsed - not sure what that is precisely.

OP - your immediate priority, as you know, is getting tested.

If you do decide to tell your wife, then let me tell you that strong relationships are very resilient.

It's easy to say when we're young that cheating is unforgiveable. Well let me tell you, it is forgiveable. But only if both people are determined to forgive and trust again. It's not an easy thing to do, but with children in the picture, both of you will have a responsibility to try and move on.

Good luck - we all make genuine mistakes - it's what we learn from them that matters

eviltwin

Why tell the wife at all?

Its only going to break her heart and if he's learned from his mistake what purpose does telling her now 4 months later serve?

Wait until the results come back. Please god you wont have to tell her anything and her feelings will be spared.

Oh The Humanity

I agree with dudara.

The sexual infidelity is not the end of the world. He was pi$$ed, it was a stranger, he is very remorseful, it meant nothing, no-one is perfect etc etc

Its the failure to use a condom or know if he used a condom that's the big issue here.

The wifes health is the central most important point here.

OP, you have to do everything to give her all the facts here. Even if you are clear by the way, does not mean she will be. You can carry things without suffering from them and give them to her.

For example HPV, which is a cause of cervical cancer can be transmitted to her and infect her without either of you knowing, it may not show up immediately.

There is really no question of being able to keep this from your wife. Never mind the infidelity, thats small potatoes here. Its the sexual health issues which are most important.

Boskowski

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

For example HPV, which is a cause of cervical cancer can be transmitted to her and infect her without either of you knowing, it may not show up immediately.

There is really no question of being able to keep this from your wife. Never mind the infidelity, thats small potatoes here. Its the sexual health issues which are most important.

Ye and of course there's always the possibility that the butterfly he caught with his car last week didn't cause that storm that it was destined to cause so the aerial didn't get blown of their house last night but it will blow off their house tomorrow while the wife is walking past and thats the end of her.

Lads get real ffs.

He did wrong, he feels bad about it and if he gets really really unlucky and please god he won't he messed up his relationship or worse his wifes health. But let's not get carried away. You guys spend to much time in front of the computer me thinks...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

I said this as you knew from experience that you suffer blackouts. If this had been the first time I would have been alot easier on you. However as I said - I too get these and I just do not understand how someone who also gets these just cannot take responsibility to ensure that they do not reoccur.
After what happened to me on my first blackout nearly 20 yrs ago I have always been careful not to get into a similar situation - supposedly I got up to stuff that was totally out of character for me - or at least I thought it was.

If it came across as particularly harsh I apologise. Who knows you might even have had your drink spiked. I guess for this thread I just put myself in your shoes a bit too much and possibly directed the anger that I would have felt at myself to you, though I bet you are probably already feeling that way.

Really hope though that you get the all clear. Try to put this out of your head for the next 10 days / 2 wks.

Your being a but harsh Taltos, alot of people I know suffer from blackouts - they don't necessairily do anything stupid though. I think the key thing with you is that the first time you blacked out you did something really stupid that taught you a lesson. In the OP's case and alot of people I know they black-out and that's it. They don't do anything too stupid, they feel bad and keep their guard up for a while but it can easily happen again because nothing too bad happened when they blacked out last time. In the OP's case he knew he could black out but nothing too bad had happened before so he let his guard down.

Not much advice I can give you OP - I'd love to take the moral high ground on this one but I've made mistakes too. Obviously the health issue is priority - you've got your tests done but explain to your doctor what happened and ask if there are any other risks that could have gone uncensored that your wife could have contracted. If there are additional risks that may still be possible you have to tell her - ask the doctor though!

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

For example HPV, which is a cause of cervical cancer can be transmitted to her and infect her without either of you knowing, it may not show up immediately.

Just for the record, a HUGE number of people, in fact nearly everyone who has sex (and I got this straight from the consultant's mouth) have been exposed to HPV but very few every become symthomatic. I'm sure the wife does smear tests every few years like every other woman over 25, or if not then she should, regardless of what the OP did.

OP, chances are you have nothing. Keep the mouth shut unless you hear otherwise.

You will probably be fine.

If you're not then you'll have to tell her straight. Many (most?) marriages will survive a one-nighter. But it probably won't come to that.

LegacyUser

Be aware that even if you test negative it doesn't mean you got away scot free.

Some viruses are carried and passed on but may not affect the carrier. And there is no test when there is no symptom.

EG genital warts. I found out someone cheated on me when I developed warts. He never developed them and when he got tested (to make sure there were no other nasties he hadn't passed on yet) it came back clear. But there was no other possibly was of me getting them, I definitely got them from him. and it was years later before the symptoms showed.

So while I wouldn't advocate telling your wife and destroying you family, be aware that even if the test is negative it may bite you in the ass years down the line you can't just confine it to the recesses of your mind.

Does your wife look after her health generally? Does she have regular smears?

seahorse

How you could even consider not telling your wife when she may be infected with an STI you've given her is beyond me. That's some consideration you're showing your 'beautiful wife'! What you're doing is worse than the cheating and all I can say is I hope you cop on to yourself.

CathyMoran

I dont think that it is healthy to have a relationship where one person has lied, your wife deserves to know so that she can decide what to do with your relationship. That is not even covering the fact that he may have exposed her to an illness.

Boskowski

CathyMoran wrote: »

I dont think that it is healthy to have a relationship where one person has lied, your wife deserves to know so that she can decide what to do with your relationship. That is not even covering the fact that he may have exposed her to an illness.

Sorry, but that's a non-argument. What if she decides she'd better not known? :O

CathyMoran

realcam wrote: »

Sorry, but that's a non-argument. What if she decides she'd better not known? :O

The truth is always better in the long run, even if she does not think that at the time, you have to have been cheated on to know...

realcam

realcam wrote: »

Sorry, but that's a non-argument. What if she decides she'd better not known? :O

The key point here is "she decides"

Show me any woman who would say "well that's ok but I'd rather not have known you cheated and possibly gave me an infection"?

realcam

realcam wrote: »

Sorry, but that's a non-argument. What if she decides she'd better not known? :O

That's HER decision. He has not only robbed her of this decision, but possibly put her at risk of infection. That is inexcusable.

Lux23

The guy made a mistake and he made a decision about not telling his wife. These things have already happened so slagging the guy off when he is looking for some decent advice is not going to improve the situation.

OP - The only advice I can give you is to get looked at and if something nasty turns up then you have to tell your wife what happened. If your clean then maybe you need to think about owning up anyway, this kind of thing will eat away at you.

Sarah**

I agree with Lux23. Stop giving him a hard time. You can see he is regretfull and embarassed that this has happened. I dont personally think he has come here to be judged - He has come here for advice.

Wait for the results and make a decision from there. Hope it works out for you and the wife - you seem to be genuinely regretfull about it. Unfortunatly these things sometimes happen.

Should you get the all clear - Learn from this and next time you consider going out on a Stag just remember your limits.

Good luck!

CathyMoran

He may be sorry but that is not the issue, guilt like that can eat at a marriage.

Sarah**

If it were me and my husband loves me as much as "worried man" seems to love his wife and he knew deep inside that he would never ever do it again and would treat me right for the rest of our days i would rather not know.

Tell her and risk loosing absolutly everything or keep his mouth shut and have a possibility of being happy? ** That is based on him being infection free of course** As should he have something he will have to tell her.

seahorse

I don't see anyone giving him a hard time, and I think some posters are missing the point here. The OP seems to want to keep his marriage, therefore I think the stratagy of keeping schtum while his wife is quite likely passed on an STI is as nuts as it gets. If my partner wanted to plop a cherry on the cake of his cheating I can think of no better way of his going about it.

Besides, I think it is contemptibly selfish of a person to cheat and then keep it to themselves. To do that is to take away a persons right to decide if they want to stay in that marriage. What gives a person who's cheated the right to decide that because they still want the marrriage they'll make that decision for the person they're married to also?!

In my opinion, for the OP to do that would be to add selfishness to the appalling lack of consideration for his wifes physical health he's already displayed, not to mention the infidelity that started it all. Who in thier right mind could say that woman doesnt have a right to decide if she wants to stay in that marriage? I've a feeling some of the posters here would have an immediate change of heart if it transpired the OP was married to their sister/mother/friend.

OP, I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm trying to give you the perspective of a woman who's been in your wifes shoes once upon a time, and believe me, if she does find out, your dishonesty will be every bit as big a problem for you as your cheating.

LegacyUser

I would just like to point out that some of the people passing judgement, giving advice and making comments are schoolchildren. I don't mean that in a slagging way... they are actually schoolkids, giving advice on a marriage.