Making myself throw up

LegacyUser

I don't have an eating disorder, I really don't. This isn't on the scale of anything like that. Over the space of a few years I've made myself throw up a few times. But it was always one off times, usually with months in between each occasion. It was only ever when I was having a really bad day/week and just needed to do something.

From about the age of 15 I was very unhappy. I had some health problems which effected my hormones badly. That coupled with the usual raging hormones of any teen was not a good combo. I was diagnosed with depression at 16. Things picked up majorly when I started college, I'm just starting my 2nd year and I've never been happier. I love college, I love my friends, I love going out. This past year has been great. But towards the end of June I made myself throw up. That's not that big a shocker. Like I said, I'd done it a handful (maybe 10 times total) of times over the years. But I didn't stop there. I did it 5 times that week, 4 times the next. I'm now averaging 3 times a week.

Everything else is perfect - I am just so fed up with feeling down about my weight. I'm not overweight in the technical sense of the word. My BMI is the higher end of normal. 10lbs and I'd be skinny. But I look at myself and I'm so disgusted. I know the right way to lose weight, I'm pretty well informed on it all - but I can't get control of myself. I don't know what's going on with me.

It scares me how easy it is to do now. Years ago if I went to do it, I wasn't even guaranteed it would work. I certainly couldn't empty my tummy. Now it's straightforward, and I don't want to stop once I've started. I love the empty feeling afterwards. I don't care that my eyes are watery and bloodshot, that my nose runs or that I've burst vessels above my eyes. I don't care that I can’t shake the smell of vomit no matter how much I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. I don't care that I'm shaky and queasy for ages afterwards. I do care that I must be damaging my teeth and my oesophagus...but I keep telling myself that it can't hurt just a few times...damage like that takes ages to form, I'm ok for now.

I know it's messed up and that's why I can't understand the timing. Yeah, I'm down about my weight, but otherwise I'm happier than I've ever been, surely I should be able to cope without doing this? I've felt this low about my weight in the past, whilst struggling with other issues too, and it didn't come to this.

I shouldn't like doing it, I shouldn't like how **** I'm feeling right now - but I do.

Some days I think it's developing into a problem. I get freaked out by how naturally it is for me to make that trip to the bathroom. But other days it doesn't seem so bad. Right now, for example. As I'm typing this I'm kinda thinking I sound like a drama queen. I mean, it's not like I throw up every meal, or even every day. It's not an eating disorder, it's not serious enough for that - so part of me wants to just keep going.

But I'm also scared by how much I've come to rely on this as a coping mechanism. I know it's not solely about weight on some level, not any more. Now when I get upset I struggle to cry. Instead I start to feel ill and want to go throw up, even if I haven't eaten in hours.

I want help, but I'm too scared. I hate the idea of people knowing what a vain, image-obsessed, disgusting, self-centred person I am. I'm 19 years old, so getting help without my parents knowing would be incredibly difficult. And they can't know, they really can't. My Mam would blame herself, and I can't have that. There'd be no way to assure her that this is all on me - she'd be convinced that she was to blame. She'd think that if she'd said or done something different, I wouldn't do this. She'd be upset with herself for not noticing sooner. She'd become the bad person and I don't want that. The blame is only on me.

My family knowing would make a bigger issue out of this. I don't mean to suggest that I'm not taking this seriously...but if they knew there'd be no escaping it. I'd constantly be conscious of watching eyes. It would make me even more aware of what I'm eating and my weight and that definitely wouldn't help matters. My sisters would find out, and they wouldn't get it. They're not like me. They're the pretty, outgoing ones - I'm the fat smart one.

I've been treated like a sick person before, and I don't want that. I don't want people tiptoeing around me or making exceptions for me. You get used to it and ultimately become dependent on it, and worse off for it.

I've been trying to stop since this started. I've been hysterical in my room at times trying to control the need. At one stage early on I even did it in a bag in my bedroom as I couldn't get access to the bathroom discreetly. I keep thinking I'll do it just one more time, only it's never one last time. I never 'get back on track tomorrow'. I screw up again and again.

I'm hungover today and consequently ate a ton of carbs earlier, a ton. I don't want to go throw up, I really don't. But I feel like I need to. I've already done it twice this week and my throat is sore. I know I shouldn't do it - but it's so hard.

I don't know what I'm hoping for by posting this. I'm too scared to ask for help, and I'm not even sure I need it. I guess if anyone has gone through anything similar and could potentially offer any suggestions for stopping this behaviour? I'm trying to concentrate on exercise and keep my eating in check, but there are always slips. The longest I've gone without doing it since this started is a week. One time.

I feel lazy and disgusting. I'm a smart girl, I want to be better than this. Thanks for listening/reading, even if I don't get any replies, it was nice to get it out there.

Oryx

Nobody_special wrote: »

I don't have an eating disorder, I really don't.

I read this sentence, and went, ok, well you should know yourself.... but the rest of your post makes a lie of it. You dont want to have an eating disorder, but theres certainly something very disordered about your need to throw up.

Dont worry about the label, then, but accept that something is going wrong with you that needs fixing. You already know that or you wouldnt post here. Rarely does an eating disorder have much to do with food anyway, its more about self esteem, pressure, and stress. Its a coping mechanism. You need help to find an alternate and less destructive way of coping.

I get your need to not tell your parents, but you need to tell someone. This is too hard to do alone. I dont know the set up in colleges, but is there a counsellor there you can confide in? Or get in touch with bodywhys.ie and at least begin to talk. Even if you dont think its an eating disorder per se, whats the harm in talking to someone there and getting proper advice? It cant hurt, can it?

Nevyn

You are addicted to purging and yes that is part of having an eating disorder.
You are doing this when ou are stredded you need to find out why you are doing this and deal with it, you are doing damage to your body ever time you purge.

Even if you are only purging once a month it's dangerous and damaging.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/aboutED/bulimia/

Please get help.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/supportServices/helpline/
Helpline - LoCall 1890 200 444

RossFixxxed

I've been trying to stop since this started. I've been hysterical in my room at times trying to control the need. At one stage early on I even did it in a bag in my bedroom as I couldn't get access to the bathroom discreetly. I keep thinking I'll do it just one more time, only it's never one last time. I never 'get back on track tomorrow'. I screw up again and again.

I'm hungover today and consequently ate a ton of carbs earlier, a ton. I don't want to go throw up, I really don't. But I feel like I need to. I've already done it twice this week and my throat is sore. I know I shouldn't do it - but it's so hard.

This is not good, alarm bells should be SCREAMING. Everything about this is an eating disorder, carbs, needing to, bags, hiding, secrets, shame, upset, hysteria. COME ON GO TO A PROFESSIONAL NOW. YOU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. THIS IS NOT RIGHT AND NEEDS A PROFESSIONAL.

eviltwin

Sorry to say this but you DO have an eating disorder.

I'm a recovering bulimic ( 7 months free ) and I used to find every reason under the sun not to acknowledge my problem. Incidentally I wasnt purging on a regular basis, it only happened when I was under a lot of stress so I might have breaks of months in between bouts.

Do contact Bodywhys..they have a wonderful chat room where you can talk to other sufferers and lots of useful links. They really do a fantastic job so dont be afraid to get in touch with them.

I cant describe how great it feels to no longer be stuck in a cycle of binging and purging...I hope you get the help you need

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your input.

I know there is some sort of counselling service in college, but I'm just scared. I'm scared about people knowing what I'm doing - I'm terrified of the idea of their forever being a permanent record of my messed-up behaviours. I also would worry about actually going to the college counsellor discreetly - I'd be mortified if someone saw me.

I guess I'll contact bodywhys. It seems like there helpline hours are very limited though, as is their online support chat. I don't think this is a disorder yet...but I do see how it could become one. I did it again today after I posted that.

kittenkiller

Seriously, don't be silly.
Most people in college are too caught up in their own little dramas that they won't notice you.
They'll only know what you tell them.,
You've gone this far without them finding out about your eating, you can put an end to it all without them finding out too.
Speak to one or two people you really trust.
Bring someone to the doctor with you so you can't chicken out.

But please, please go to see someone who can help you properly.
Best of luck.

eviltwin

There are lots of online support forums that are more annoyomous if the idea of talking face to face freaks you out. But dont be ashamed, its not something that can be held against you if thats what your worried about. Just get it sorted asap...I personally think your in the throes of a disorder just in total denial if you dont mind me saying...but the longer you leave it the harder it is to get help.

Emme

Nobody_special wrote: »

Thank you all for your input.

I know there is some sort of counselling service in college, but I'm just scared. I'm scared about people knowing what I'm doing - I'm terrified of the idea of their forever being a permanent record of my messed-up behaviours. I also would worry about actually going to the college counsellor discreetly - I'd be mortified if someone saw me.

I guess I'll contact bodywhys. It seems like there helpline hours are very limited though, as is their online support chat. I don't think this is a disorder yet...but I do see how it could become one. I did it again today after I posted that.

You are bulimic and need to help yourself. Your college counselling service will be used to dealing with eating disorders so contact them and also bodywhys. Both services should be confidential.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I just feel like it can't be considered an eating disorder when it's only been going on a few months. Plus I hear of people who throw up every meal, every day. I'm not like that.

I know it's a problem but I don't think it's on that kind of scale.

I've looked into the bodywhys online support sessions and I'll hopefully participate in that this evening, presuming I can figure it out. I have all the info for my college counsellor and I'll try and suck up the courage to make an appointment in the next week or two, but I'm terrified.

I feel like such an idiot.

LilyCullen

just because its not at the extreme end of the scale doesnt mean its not there. in my opinion, from reading your post, looking at your state of mind rather than the amount of times you puke you defo have an eating disorder. You have hysteria over the thought of it and you have done it at least once.
I'm sorry, what you're going thoough is quite bad but you neeed to fully accept your situation. your have a problem with food, it doesnt matter the scale of it. you need to go and seek help. it is not going to go away unless you so. puking once a week is an eating disorder.
You seem like a sweet girl and you seem to have a lot going on. there are obviously other issues and reasons why you do this. dont be afraid to go see a counselller.

good luck

LC

Xcellor

The first step to resolving your issue is to accept you have one. Purging yourself by vomitting is not normal. I would recommend speaking to your doctor about it first of all. This type of issue can escalate to a point at which you may lose all control over it. It will seriously damage your health.

You need to find the cause of your eating disorder, that might be the hardest challenge you face. I have a feeling you need to appreciate yourself more and find your inner beauty. Being content with who you are. The nickname "nobody_special" perhaps indicates your feelings on this. Until you see the truth about yourself and realise you are somebody very special you will repeat this cycle until it controls you.

Best of luck. Don't give up.

X

eviltwin

Nobody_special wrote: »

I just feel like it can't be considered an eating disorder when it's only been going on a few months. Plus I hear of people who throw up every meal, every day. I'm not like that.

I know it's a problem but I don't think it's on that kind of scale.

.

Funnily enough thats what Everyone says. Look, I'm 32 and I've been battling this same thing since I was 16. Its only in the last year that I've accepted what I am though because like you I never did it on a regular basis. For me it reared its head when I was stressed - exams, relationship problems, my dad being ill etc

I might have three or four months at a time between bouts so I felt that I couldnt really have a problem despite the fact that I was throwing up sometime 5 - 6 times a day during an episode.

The hardest thing I ever did was contact Bodywhys. I honestly thought they would laugh at me and tell me to stop wasting their time. Turns out that a lot of sufferers are in the same cycle though. You've taken the hardest step in admitting you are in a bad place but fair play to you for getting help but continue to get it.

Best of luck with it and hugs

LegacyUser

I've had a bad week. My head hurts, my glands hurt. I'm tired and fed up. I really thought I could stop. I lasted only a matter of days when I tried. This week it's been daily.

Can anyone tell me first hand what my experience will be if I visit my GP to discuss this?

I can't decide who/where to potentially seek help with. I could go to the college counsellor, the college GP or my family GP. If I go to my family GP it will inevitably lead to my parents finding out as I can't finance any sort of counselling myself for very long, probably only a session or two. But I can't help thinking I'll get better service that way. Having said that, the idea of being able to deal with this without them knowing really appeals.

Any thoughts?

Emme

Nobody_special wrote: »

I can't decide who/where to potentially seek help with. I could go to the college counsellor, the college GP or my family GP. If I go to my family GP it will inevitably lead to my parents finding out as I can't finance any sort of counselling myself for very long, probably only a session or two. But I can't help thinking I'll get better service that way. Having said that, the idea of being able to deal with this without them knowing really appeals.

Any thoughts?

Why would your family GP give you better service than your college GP? Eating disorders are very common among students and it's often the people who look like they're coping and have everything going for them who are affected the worst. College GPs are well used to dealing with eating disorders. Anyway, talk to a GP first and let him or her recommend counselling. Some counsellors have a sliding scale and it might be more affordable than you think. Get help now because if you keep putting it off you could end up in hospital.

Nevyn

Go to you college dr asap, they are part of a health service team and can refer to to you college counsellor, also they maybe likely to have more experience with this condition then a family gp.

Abi

Nobody_special wrote: »

Thank you all for your input.

I know there is some sort of counselling service in college, but I'm just scared. I'm scared about people knowing what I'm doing - I'm terrified of the idea of their forever being a permanent record of my messed-up behaviours. I also would worry about actually going to the college counsellor discreetly - I'd be mortified if someone saw me.

I guess I'll contact bodywhys. It seems like there helpline hours are very limited though, as is their online support chat. I don't think this is a disorder yet...but I do see how it could become one. I did it again today after I posted that.

You do seem to have ED behaviour. The good news is, you have a chance to break from this, before it completely consumes your thoughts. You used to feel like you had control over it, but you are posting here now because you've noticed its esculated and it scares you.

You mentioned you are a 'smart' girl. Well having an ED is not about being smart or dim, its far more complex and serious than that. Its psychological, not to do with your I.Q. You begin with the feeling you are in control, as time passes you are happy with the result the scales is giving you, then what happens is you are afraid to return to your normal way of eating in case you re-gain the weight. But where does that end?

The truth of the matter is, you've lost control from the beginning. Once you accept that fact; and with a lot of will power and councelling you can and will get through it.

Best of luck.

CDfm

OP - the side affects of an eating disorder are fairly icky.

with bulimia your stomach acid attacks the enamel in your teeth and it affects your gums.

Other than the skinnyness with an untreated eating disorder if you dont get it treated it affects your body organs and some people in advanced stages even have legs amputated in the late stages as their hearts cant pump the blood around.

Ultimately, its a killer illness.

Not very attractive.

You must admit its not very nice and you should be beating a path to your GPs door for help.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Why would your family GP give you better service than your college GP? QUOTE]

I took the advice of some people on here last week and contacted bodywhys. I participated in an online support chat that they run most weeks for 2 hours. When I explained my situation I was first told that I can't beat this alone, and then that a free counsellor would do me no good. I had already explained my situation and said that a free service was my only option. The women there said I needed someone who specialised in eating disorders, not some free college counsellor.

It was a very upsetting conversation and needless to say I left the chat within minutes. It was very difficult for me to even join the chat in the first place and I was made to feel like the only potential support I had available to me wouldn't do me any good. I should point out that this wasn't bodywhys staff (though there were facilitators present) but women who had had eating disorders for years and were years into treatment. I was really disappointed in it as a service.

I have since come around a bit to the idea of my parents eventually finding out, simply because I feel like it may be the only way. However, I don't want them to know until I have begun getting some sort of help...I guess I feel like maybe it will lessen the blow.

Now I just can't seem to decide who to go to. In truth I actually have TWO separate college GP services, as well as two separate college counselling services available to me. (It's complicated) And then there's also my GP. I'm leaning slightly towards the GP simply because he knows my health history (which would mean much fewer explanations) and he's been very supportive about my emotional issues in the past.

But then I have to factor in cost again. I just don't know.

'CDfm' - I'm sorry, but your post really wasn't very helpful. I don't mean that to be rude, but it was kind of insensitive. I'm well aware of just how 'icky' the side-effects of an eating disorder are. I know what the stomach acid is doing to my teeth and gums, my oesophagus and my stomach. As for the 'skinnyness' - I'm not skinny. I'm slim at a push. That's not disordered thinking, that's fact. Most people who b/p are of normal or above normal weight, that's a fact.


I don't need to be told how damaging this is to my health. I've spent hours online researching eating disorders - I know what I'm doing to my body. If I felt like I had a choice I wouldn't be doing it. I've tried scare tactics - they don't work. At the end of the day when I look in a mirror I see the fat and the ugly, I don't see the acid wearing away my teeth or my oesophagus. I know better than most the physical damage this is doing - that is the only reason I'm considering getting help. Emotionally I feel fine 90% of the time, that's the truth of it. If I get upset for an hour a day and b/p I can deal with that.

I don't know how to explain how difficult this is. I'm just looking for someone who has been in a similar position to tell me what's likely to happen if I seek help.

The_Conductor

OP- you're worrying about the cost associated with getting appropriate care and attention. You cannot put a financial cost on your health. If you continue on your current path- the financial cost of possible treatments will likely be the least of your worries. Perhaps CDfm might have put it a bit more delicately- but the simple fact of the matter is- your physical health along with your mental wellbeing are both in jeopardy, if you do not give this the attention it deserves.

Telling you the possible implications of your actions is not 'icky'- its telling you that you *need* to get help. Yes, it can be incredibly hard to admit you need help and to get the courage up to do what you have to do. I really do have sympathy for you- but you need to accept the longterm implications of not getting the help and assistance you need.

LegacyUser

smccarrick wrote: »

OP- you're worrying about the cost associated with getting appropriate care and attention. You cannot put a financial cost on your health. If you continue on your current path- the financial cost of possible treatments will likely be the least of your worries. Perhaps CDfm might have put it a bit more delicately- but the simple fact of the matter is- your physical health along with your mental wellbeing are both in jeopardy, if you do not give this the attention it deserves.

Telling you the possible implications of your actions is not 'icky'- its telling you that you *need* to get help. Yes, it can be incredibly hard to admit you need help and to get the courage up to do what you have to do. I really do have sympathy for you- but you need to accept the longterm implications of not getting the help and assistance you need.

I CAN put a financial cost on my health when I simply don't have money. I'm a full time student. I have a small amount of savings from working full time all summer, but there's a limit to how far that will get me. I don't think it's ridiculous to not want to be a financial burden to my parents AGAIN because of my health. My family are not in a good position financially right now. I know if I turn to them they'll support me, but I'm sick of being the daughter that costs them so much.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to CDfm but the use of the word 'icky' really bothered me. I'm not 5 years old and I felt like I was being patronised.

I know I need help, that's why I'm asking how my doctor is likely to react and what steps he'll take. I just want to be prepared. I mean, how long will it take to get a referral to a counsellor, for example? Is he likely to do any physical tests to check for damage because of what I've been doing? Will I have to see a dietician?

CDfm

OP - I didnt mean to patronize . I wanted to underline the seriousness of your situation for you factually. I was not being frivolous it can also affect your eyesight and cause bodyhair growth.

I do think that your GP/College GP can help and while resourses are limited -it is do-able. I agree with you that your GP in the first instance is the best course of action- they know your history and you dont need to go back and explain everything.

The hard part is being decisive and actually making the appointment and going in and doing something about it.That takes commitment to getting it sorted.

OP -do you have that commitment?

LegacyUser

I think so. But it's easy to say that on a Saturday, when I know the earliest day I can see the GP is Tuesday. (I can't miss college on a Monday, I have labs)

I'm afraid that by then I'll have chickened out. I also need to find out when my doc is actually in his office, so I guess I'll ring on Monday. Needless to say, I'm terrified.

CathyMoran

Nobody_special wrote: »

I think so. But it's easy to say that on a Saturday, when I know the earliest day I can see the GP is Tuesday. (I can't miss college on a Monday, I have labs)

I'm afraid that by then I'll have chickened out. I also need to find out when my doc is actually in his office, so I guess I'll ring on Monday. Needless to say, I'm terrified.

It takes a lot of courage to look for help, fair dues to you - could you not see the doc in the evening though, the waiting is the worst bit...hugs!

LegacyUser

CathyMoran wrote: »

It takes a lot of courage to look for help, fair dues to you - could you not see the doc in the evening though, the waiting is the worst bit...hugs!

I don't think so. They DO have evening surgeries, but I don't think my doc does them, and I'm only comfortable going to him. I'll try find the courage to ring them on Monday and find out his hours.

CDfm

Nobody_special wrote: »

I think so. But it's easy to say that on a Saturday, when I know the earliest day I can see the GP is Tuesday. (I can't miss college on a Monday, I have labs)

OP I dont think you will chicken out. Its only a phone call - make sure you explain to the receptionist why you are calling and she will fit you in and the doctor will be prepared.

You go to college so you are academically bright enough to look at this as a problem to be solved.

The goal is simple -its to get help.

Abi

Nobody_special wrote: »

I think so. But it's easy to say that on a Saturday, when I know the earliest day I can see the GP is Tuesday. (I can't miss college on a Monday, I have labs)

I'm afraid that by then I'll have chickened out. I also need to find out when my doc is actually in his office, so I guess I'll ring on Monday. Needless to say, I'm terrified.

The thing is, you can't chicken out. This isn't going to go away until you do seek help, or what follows is year after year after year of pure hell. Theres always a chance that it will esculate, and it becomes much harder to treat at that stage, because you also build up a strong mental resistance to advice being given to you.

If you are worried about your family finding out, do at least go to the college doctor. Don't be scared or embaressed, because you're not the first or the last to be diagnosed with an ED. If it helps, the conversation will be brief. Because the GP's job is only to establish that there is a problem, and to do up a referral letter to someone fully qualified to help you. If it helps keep the momentum going until then, ring bodywhys as previously advised. Theres no judgement, if you do call them - they already know why you are calling and are trained to offer support to people with ED's.

Just do it, you've told us about it and it must have been difficult writing it. If you don't take the bull by the horns, as it were; you never will.

CDfm

Nobody_special wrote: »

I don't think so. They DO have evening surgeries, but I don't think my doc does them, and I'm only comfortable going to him. I'll try find the courage to ring them on Monday and find out his hours.

The idea is that you go for help rather than look for excuses not to.

I can think of a lot more embarressing things to go to a doctor about.This isnt embarressing.

LegacyUser

It's so difficult to explain this...but only part of me wants help. I guess because I'm not unhappy now. I've been depressed, and this isn't it. Life is actually pretty good, aside from this behaviour. I'm scared of dragging up old feelings - I'm scared of going back to the person I was two years ago.

Everything is going to change when this comes out. And if/when I seek help, it WILL come out - I can't afford it myself.

There's still a part of me that thinks I can stop by myself. I know I've tried, but I keep thinking maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I didn't really give it my all.

I hate that people keep saying 'eating disorder'. I don't qualify for that. I don't want to qualify for that. I feel like if I told someone with a real eating disorder what I was doing, they'd laugh at me. What I'm doing is nothing compared to what some people do.

It may sound like I'm not getting help, but this is just me thinking out loud. I'm still hoping to ring my doctor tomorrow, and hopefully go see him on Tuesday. I'm just terrified.

CDfm

OP - does it occur to you that by procrastinating that you may not want help.

Maybe you are happy with your unhappy relationship with food and body image. Yada yada yada.

Your GP,in fact any GP, is likely to need to do some blood tests and follow this up by getting you on some cognative behavior therapy and self help groups.

You just want it to be all lovey dovey and dont want to put the work in.

If you cant get the help you need and cant afford it try contacting the HSE in your area

http://www.hse.ie/eng/Find_a_Service/Mental_Health_Services/

A lot of the services are free

Abi

Nobody_special wrote: »

I hate that people keep saying 'eating disorder'. I don't qualify for that. I don't want to qualify for that. I feel like if I told someone with a real eating disorder what I was doing, they'd laugh at me. What I'm doing is nothing compared to what some people do.

You can dress it up how you like, but making yourself sick -regardless of its frequency is a form of ED. The very fact that you do it at all 'qualifies' you.

Nobody wants to have an ED. But two things worth a mention are;

1) It always starts out small

2) You think you can control it, and stop anytime you want.


You've indicated that you didn't think you 'qualified' because how rarely you make yourself sick (starting out small), and you've also mentioned that you thought you could stop when you felt like it. The niggling signs are there OP, the best thing you could ever do for yourself is nip it in the bud by getting the help you need.

LegacyUser

Op I understand what you're going through. I was in a similar position a few years ago when i was purging after meals. It started off only when I'd have a big unhealthy meal, I'd feel all bloated and full but after puking I'd feel great. I ended up doing it no matter what i ate. I didn't consider myself bulimic as I didn't binge. It got out of hand when I worried when we were going on hols that I wouldn't have privacy to do it. I forced myself to stop eventually when I puked up some blood and I noticed my hair had got very thin. Try and eat just healthy foods so you won't feel that there's a big pile of grease in your stomach. Exercise and keep fit and talk to someone about it. All the best.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

OP - does it occur to you that by procrastinating that you may not want help.

Maybe you are happy with your unhappy relationship with food and body image. Yada yada yada.

Your GP,in fact any GP, is likely to need to do some blood tests and follow this up by getting you on some cognative behavior therapy and self help groups.

You just want it to be all lovey dovey and dont want to put the work in.

If you cant get the help you need and cant afford it try contacting the HSE in your area

http://www.hse.ie/eng/Find_a_Service/Mental_Health_Services/

A lot of the services are free

If you wouldn't mind, could you stop replying to this thread please? I find your posts to be very negative, and it doesn't seem like you're even reading what I type. I specifically said in my post before yours 'only a part of me wants help' - so you telling me that I 'may not want help' is no revelation to me.

As for wanting it to be all 'lovey dovey' and not wanting to put the work in - who do you think you are to speak to me that way? It's not a case of not wanting to put the work in, I'm scared of being as unhappy as I once was. Addressing issues I want to feel I've put behind me is a scary thought. Yeah, my way of coping is F***ed up - but don't call me lazy or treat me like a child.

Abigayle - thank you for your reply. I just worry that my GP will take one look at me and laugh at the very idea of me having some sort of eating disorder.

Unregistered - did you seek help or do this yourself? I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago. I was going on holidays and I knew I wouldn't do it when I was staying at a friend's place, so I thought maybe it would be the ideal time to just stop and learn to cope without it. Instead, before we went I completely overdid it, thinking 'my body will have a nice break while I'm away, so I might as well do it as much as I want now'. Then I continued as normal (or abnormal) when I got home.

I have tried to eat healthily...the problem is I always have eaten healthily. Until recently (when purging became an option) I never ate take-aways, or pizzas or chips. But I'd throw up anything - fruit and fibre cereal being a favourite. My attitude toward food has just changed so much. I'd really appreciate hearing how you managed to stop.

Abi

Nobody_special wrote: »

Abigayle - thank you for your reply. I just worry that my GP will take one look at me and laugh at the very idea of me having some sort of eating disorder.

Doctors don't laugh at patients NS, you know that. Whatever you do, don't create reasons not to go. The next time you are face down in a toilet bowl, just before you make yourself sick - ask yourself can you really stop this yourself?

Please please please, go ahead with this tomorrow. I'd love to hear back that you went and you're willing to fight this demon

CDfm

Sorry OP- I wont post again.

But chin up and I hope you get the help you need.:)

Emme

Nobody_special wrote: »

I think so. But it's easy to say that on a Saturday, when I know the earliest day I can see the GP is Tuesday. (I can't miss college on a Monday, I have labs)

I'm afraid that by then I'll have chickened out. I also need to find out when my doc is actually in his office, so I guess I'll ring on Monday. Needless to say, I'm terrified.

There's no need to be terrified. The sooner you go to the doctor the better.

LegacyUser

Nobody_special wrote: »

Unregistered - did you seek help or do this yourself? I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago. I was going on holidays and I knew I wouldn't do it when I was staying at a friend's place, so I thought maybe it would be the ideal time to just stop and learn to cope without it. Instead, before we went I completely overdid it, thinking 'my body will have a nice break while I'm away, so I might as well do it as much as I want now'. Then I continued as normal (or abnormal) when I got home.

I have tried to eat healthily...the problem is I always have eaten healthily. Until recently (when purging became an option) I never ate take-aways, or pizzas or chips. But I'd throw up anything - fruit and fibre cereal being a favourite. My attitude toward food has just changed so much. I'd really appreciate hearing how you managed to stop.

No I didn't seek help op. I told no one 'til now. I'd suffered a few miscarriages so I think I was punishing my body for letting me down as well as doing it because I felt fat. I only started off doing it when I'd eaten something fattening but it progressed to the stage where no matter what I ate I'd puke it up. I convinced myself if I only puked up a few mouthfuls there was still enough in my stomach to keep me healthy.
I started to get better by forcing myself to keep down small healthy meals, dinners were the most difficult, I'd have small portions and would distract myself after eating by going for a walk. I felt that if I was burning off the food it wouldn't be sitting in my stomach. It progressed to the stage when I only did it when I'd have a chinese takeaway which we have once or twice a week. I stopped doing that eventually when I cooked noodles to have with a small amount of curry. Once I didn't have rice or chips I wouldn't feel bloated. It was a gradual thing op....the urges got less as the days went by. It took me seeing blood in the vomit to kickstart my recovery. I also saw myself on video and was shocked at how thin I'd got and how my scalp was clearly visible through my hair. I'd rather risk being overweight with hair than end up skinny and bald!
Now I can eat normally but try to be 'good' during the week with plenty of walking so I can enjoy my weekend takeaways. In looking back I really did need to see a professional. This went on for about 4 yrs..I never told my husband even when I was on the road to recovery, I'm ashamed to say that the reason I didn't tell him at the time was partly because if i really felt the need to do it again it'd be hard to get away without him knowing. I also didn't want him looking at me suspiciously every time I went to the bathroom after a meal. Rowing about it would make it more difficult to stop. I found when I was upset it was harder to resist the urges.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone whose replied, I really appreciate it.

I rang the doctors first thing this morning to find out my docs hours for the week. I think I'll skip a lecture in the morning and go down to his office first thing. I can't face sitting through a lecture beforehand - I'd be a wreck.

I'm so scared. I keep wondering why the hell I'm doing this. Questioning whether it's really that much of a problem.

I'm also worried that tomorrow will be a let down. That after working up the courage to see my doctor, I won't actually be able to see a counsellor or someone for weeks.

If anyone can give me any more reasons why I simply HAVE to go, please do. At the moment I'm still set on going, but who knows how I'll feel in a few hours. I'm so ashamed of myself.

kerash

Best of luck tomorrow OP, you are doing the right thing. Going to see the doctor tomorrow is the most positive thing you can do for yourself and well done on being brave and making the appointment.
Your doctor is there to listen and help you. If it's the case that your waiting for a while to see a counsellor tell the doc you're concern about the wait.
Let us know how you get on and try not to worry, you are doing this to feel better.

we'llallhavetea_old

Nobody_special wrote: »

Thanks to everyone whose replied, I really appreciate it.

I rang the doctors first thing this morning to find out my docs hours for the week. I think I'll skip a lecture in the morning and go down to his office first thing. I can't face sitting through a lecture beforehand - I'd be a wreck.

I'm so scared. I keep wondering why the hell I'm doing this. Questioning whether it's really that much of a problem.

I'm also worried that tomorrow will be a let down. That after working up the courage to see my doctor, I won't actually be able to see a counsellor or someone for weeks.

If anyone can give me any more reasons why I simply HAVE to go, please do. At the moment I'm still set on going, but who knows how I'll feel in a few hours. I'm so ashamed of myself.

hi n/s, dont be ashamed of yourself, you're not the first and you're certainly not the last person to have this problem. i'd be embarrassed if i were after getting a coin stuck up my arse or something like that, but definitely not for this.
just think, you're life is going great at the minute, the only hiccup you have is this, sort that out before it starts to consume your whole life.
once you start to seek help, i bet you'll find yourself getting better in no time.
you can do this, you said you've been through tough times before, and with your good mood at present, you cant fail!
keep us updated my dear, we're all behind you 100% !!

LegacyUser

Thank you both.

The doubt is starting to set in. Now that I'm actually thinking about getting up in the morning and going down there, I'm worried. I feel so foolish. Is this problem all in my head? Shouldn't I just be able to stop myself?

I hate myself and I hate this stupid situation.

we'llallhavetea_old

Nobody_special wrote: »

Thank you both.

The doubt is starting to set in. Now that I'm actually thinking about getting up in the morning and going down there, I'm worried. I feel so foolish. Is this problem all in my head? Shouldn't I just be able to stop myself?

I hate myself and I hate this stupid situation.

now, now, don't start doubting yourself! its ok to be worried, its normal.
its absolutely not all in your head, you've told us your situation and we can all see that you absolutely, definitely, without a shadow of doubt, need to go to your doctor tomorrow. so even if you dont believe yourself, the truth is all through this thread. you need to go, and after its done you'll be telling us all just how unfrightening it actually was in the end!

also, the fact that you hate this situation means that its best to just get it dealt with now so you can move on and live a happy and contented life!

LegacyUser

Thank you. I really appreciate having someone to talk to right now. I'm so panicked about this whole situation. And I'm worried that now that I'm addressing it, it's going to take over my every thought. Going to the doctors tomorrow was all I could think about today in class. How am I going to go to college and act normal tomorrow afternoon?

I need to distract myself before I either talk myself out of it, or go B/P. Maybe a cup of tea and a film or something...

we'llallhavetea_old

Nobody_special wrote: »

Thank you. I really appreciate having someone to talk to right now. I'm so panicked about this whole situation. And I'm worried that now that I'm addressing it, it's going to take over my every thought. Going to the doctors tomorrow was all I could think about today in class. How am I going to go to college and act normal tomorrow afternoon?

I need to distract myself before I either talk myself out of it, or go B/P. Maybe a cup of tea and a film or something...

you're welcome!
once you actually go to the doctors though, it'll be done. i think thats the scariest part, so you wont have that worry anymore.
i imagine that tomorrow, after the visit to the doctor, you'll feel better and if not, you should!! you should be very proud of yourself young lady, you're being extremely responsible by addressing this, alot of other people would bury their heads.
deffo a cup of tea, a film, or a good book! or do your nails or eyebrows or something you have to concentrate on!

LegacyUser

OP,

Well done for taking the first step and deciding to go to the doctor.

I know exactly what your going through (well not exactly but nearly!), I had (have?) an ED, it started when I was 13 with occasional binging and purging, I always felt that it wasn't really a problem, that it was just my stupid body, that I was too weak to not eat and that the only way I could get rid of the guilt of eating was to purge. When I finally told someone what I was doing that they said it was an ED I thought they were crazy, for one thing I wasn't skinny enough to have an ED, and I was only doing it "occasionally" of course it would eventually escalate to the point that I was throwing up 4 times a day, all my meals, anything I ate.

When I decided to seek counselling it was a massive step, I went for emotional issues, surrounding my disorder, I was having violent moodswings and my Mother and Boyfriend convinced me I needed to talk to someone, they didn';t know about my ED, so I went to the free college counsellor, who was great. It took 8 sessions for me to tell her about my purging, and it was the most freeing thing. I will say that while she was great and the service was great, the fact that she was the college counsellor meant she (as she told me herself) couldn't give me the support she felt i required she eventually convinced me to tell my mother which I did and my mum paid for me to see someone privately, while it is expensive there are free counselling services.

I really admire what you're doing. Your'e being very brave putting it all out on the table both on the internet and with deciding to go to the doctor, it sounds ver cliche but admitting it really is the first step to recovery. I wish you all the best with your future and the best of look with your health.

LegacyUser

Unreg2511 - how are you these days? How long ago was that?

I'm just back from the doctors. I was there at 9am this morning, but didn't get to see the doctor till after 10.30. He doesn't do appointments, just walk-in surgery - and he is POPULAR. I hadn't been to him in years, but I wouldn't go to anyone else. He is the nicest man.

The first thing he said when I walked in the door was '(my name), pet - I get worried when I see you coming in my door. Something must be really wrong.' I'm not the type to go to the doctor over nothing...

Anyway, did my best to hold back my tears as I told him what I was doing. He was so understanding. He asked a few questions about when it started and how often I do it, in between telling me we were going to fix this, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. He kept telling me it happens all the time, and it's a way of coping with stress so not to be upset. He asked me if I was depressed, and I was so glad he did so I could tell him I'm not. I really am pretty happy with my life, and he seemed to get that.

He left a message with a counsellor he uses who is away at the moment. He's going to get some recommendations for people who work with eating disorders. He said he'd get back to me ASAP, and if I hadn't heard from him by Saturday I was to text his mobile.

Without me having to ask, he mentioned the confidentiality issue. He knows my parents (outside of his office as well as inside) so it was kinda awkward, but he said it was between me and him, once he established I hadn't told them. He also changed my contact details from my parents without me having to ask.

All in all it went well. I'm still unsure about my decision, but I couldn't have asked for a better doctor. He said the counsellor will take it from here, but if I'm unhappy with the treatment or feel it's not working, to come straight back to him.

Thank you all for your support, it really has helped so much.

we'llallhavetea_old

well done n/s!!
i was thinking about you today, i knew you could do it! x

kerash

I'm delighted for you OP, you should feel proud of yourself and great to hear you are in good hands with your gp.

LegacyUser

Thank you both. I'm so grateful to you all for your support.

I feel awful today, physically. It's become a daily thing for the last 10 or so days, and it's draining. I can't wait to start putting this behind me.

LegacyUser

I have read through this whole thread. I am recovered from bulimia which started when I was your age. My heart goes out to you- your really post touched a nerve with me- I could have written it myself a number of years ago (college, feeling that I having to protect my parents from my problems , how I felt in relation to my siblings, and also not being "sick" enough for this to be a major problem)

I was definetly never depressed when I was in the middle of behaviours, but truthfully I was numb. And I was lost. And I had very low self-esteem, and I believed all sorts of horrible things about myself which were not true. (Though initially I thought my only issue was that I threw up occasionally)

And now I am recovered. And happy.

I don't mean this to be a me, me, me post. I just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are, and tell you things will get better.

You are so brave and strong for posting here and going to your GP, and asking for help. These are the first steps. The courage you have to face your problems, will help you in your recovery.

Things that helped me: somethingfishy.org website, and also bodywhys.ie. I also attended support group and counselling. You will find your own path.

I wish you all the best. If it is helping, then keep posting here.

CeNedra

Hi I just posted in another thread on the same issue. I am in my mid 30's and only started binging and purging about 5 months ago. I was coping with a toddler and new baby and couldn't handle the stress and this was my way of dealing. I was big after having a baby, was unfit, felt like an unfit mother because of whatever reason and I was breastfeeding through this.

I plucked up the courage and said it to my husband. He was fantastic and asked me to get help.

I went to the bodywhy's web site and the site recommended you go to your GP.

I have a lovely GP (important point I think) but I had only been to her a couple of times so it took some courage. I just kept focusing on my babies as I didn't want them to be effected by what I considered my stupidity.

The Dr did not judge me. She listened to what I said. I did my best not to cry but I was definitely on the edge.

She asked me did I want medication and I said no, I wanted to try other means first. So she referred me to a councillor. Funny enough it ended up I knew that person so I had to go to somebody else. Was close to giving up at this stage but I didn't. I kept focusing on the babies. The Doctor was great. Pick your doctor carefully.

I'm going to counciling now about 2 months. A young girl who doesn't judge me and seems genuinely interested in helping me.
I stopped purging a few weeks ago. Have no interest in it now.
The councillor suggested I get out of the house, get fit and start focusing on what will make me feel less stressed. Stress is my trigger. I also joined boards (when I'm stuck in the house and need adult conversation it helps!!).

To summarise, the Doctor and councillor part was not hard in the end. Though I was dreading it.

I posted so you would not feel alone. I'm in the middle of this recovery and I hope you feel the same way pretty soon. If it helps you at all keep posting. Don't be ashamed, there are a lot of people out there getting help for this issue. Good on you.