I have the flu he doesn't care

LegacyUser

Hi there. I'm really sick and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family because I know they'll freak out and think it's swine flu. I'm lying in bed on my computer and have been here since 8 this morning. I came home from work I was sent by the manager. I work with my boyfriend, we live together too, and everyone knows that.

My boyfriend gave out to me for coming home, saying I could've stayed longer , I left the team in the lurch, and that I didn't seem all that bad. Then I explained they sent me.

He's been really pally with this other woman at work who is in love with him (everyone knows and she even invited him to her place in front of me on a drunken night out , claiming she had all his favourite drink in, like what is that all about? - I wasn't drinking that night as I was the designated driver) He has all the time in the world for her, they go drinking together even though I explained it was against my wishes that he do that. He disappears with her after we finish work and I share a taxi home with a girl who lives in our estate. He comes home a few hours later completely buckled.

The other night he kept disappearing with her while I was working, she just came in to work for a drink, even though she lives an hour's drive away.

He's been in work all day today, didn't even bother to get me a drink of water or tea or ask if i was alright before he left, just got himself together for work, refused to kiss me because he said he didn't want to be ill himself, which is fair enough.

I haven't heard from him all day. Like I'm lying in bed exhausted with the flu and he hasn't even so much as rang to check on me? He took money from my purse as well, before he left this morning, he always ends up broke because he drinks so much. He was out drinking with her last night. I'm so annoyed, confused and being sick makes it so much worse and lonely.

It feels like he doesn't care about me. In fact, no, he doesn't care for me full stop.

I asked him to spend this saturday with me, but he said he's going to his aunt's who he hasn't seen for the past month and that I couldn't come because they've a few private things to discuss? I said I will come along regardless, that if they talk privately I'l go out to the garden, or walk her three dogs around the park nearby. We haven't been on a date since last month, he's always out with his friends and leaving me at home on my own.

Everyone thinks we're so in love, because he puts on this show when other people are around. Kisses hugs and affectionate ways of talking to me. But when we're home he crashes on the couch and doesn't talk to me.

If anyone has been in this situation please shed some light on this, we're both late 20s. I'm looking at shared accommodation. I think it's time for me to turn the light off on this relationship by the way things seem to be.

Thumpette

If this is a genuine description of your relationship (ie no real redeeming features) then I think you need to dump this guy.

Fast.

Hope you feel better soon

LegacyUser

If he actually treats you like that I would get all his clothes and stuff together n throw it out.

Sounds like hes cheating on you wit tis girl, what a f*cker!! & her too for what she said right in front of you.

You dont even htink about him, sounds like a right twat! Defo better off without him

Giggy

I think you should finish with this guy fast, I know you might be in a bit of a routine now and it's hard to break a habit especially if you're living with him. But you poor thing, you must be miserable having that going on the whole time. Be brave and get yourself a better life, you'll be much happier in the end and find a really nice guy who knows how to treat a woman properly.

aidan24326

Your boyfriend sounds like a d1ckhead tbh. And to make matters worse, from your description of his actions and movements I'd say there's a very strong possibility he's cheating on you with this other girl. In fact I'd say it's highly likely that he is, and his lack of respect for you is such that he's not really even trying to hide it. You say you're thinking of ending the relationship? Well, from what you've written I don't think anyone here will try too hard to stop you! Dump him.

SLUSK

I am assuming you enjoy being treated like this, why are you still together with him if you do not like the way he treats you?

Terodil

SLUSK wrote: »

I am assuming you enjoy being treated like this, why are you still together with him if you do not like the way he treats you?

That's not really fair, she's posting here because she cannot take it any more and because she wants help with making up her mind. She's not enjoying it at all.

OP: I'm with the 'walk' brigade. Your bf is showing an utter lack of interest and compassion. I would even doubt that there's an emotional relationship on his side.

ladygirl

Hi OP,

Im with everyone on this, walk... I know its easier said than done, but you do need a better life for yourself, It does sound that there is something going on between him and this other girl, I would pack his bags now, and leave him off to his friends hse, if he can spend so much time drinking with them then they should have no problem putting him up on their couch for a while...

He dosent seem to have any respect for you, and WHY did he come home with such a crap attitude just cause you went home from work sick???? he should have been more of - are you ok, how you feeling, can i get you anything???

to be honest you wouldnt treat an animal this badly when they are feeling sick, What would his reaction be if this other female friend was sick - you can be sure she'd be getting txts to see how she is feeling etc...
DONT SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST!!!!!!

Choose better for yourself.. I really hope you feel better soon,,,

xxx

Beruthiel

hedoesntcare wrote: »

It feels like he doesn't care about me. In fact, no, he doesn't care for me full stop.

From what you say above, he clearly doesn't.

I think it's time for me to turn the light off on this relationship by the way things seem to be.

Couldn't agree more.
You don't need to be with someone who would treat you so badly and care so little for you.
You deserve better.
He does not respect or care about you.

Peggypeg

Yeah I agree, he's not making you happy is he? Go find a guy who'll treat you right, and i'd agree that it does sound like he's cheating.

Oh The Humanity

Sounds like he is cheating AND he took money from your purse!

See that the door hits him in the a$$ as he leaves!

xcarriex

If your not in a position to kick him out, pack ur bag write a note and see can a family memeber/friend help u till u get back on ur feet.

He wont expect it, and the 2 of them can live in there drunken haze. You dont deserve to be treated that way by him or her.

Good Luck OP Feel Better!

Kipperhell

OP
When I first moved in with my wife we had a while where we needed to seriously readjust our own personal views and habits. What you are describing sounds like that to me. When I was sick my then girlfriend was all touchy and caring which was not how I liked to be treated when ill. I much rather curl up and feel miserable and do not like attention much. So equally when she was sick I treated her like I wanted to be treated myself. She got upset in a similar manner to you about it on one occasion. As she was sick and running a fever she was much more easily upset and unreasonable. This is how you sound to me.
You also sound like a jealous person and taking that on board I would not consider your accounts of his possible cheating as anything other than your preceptive. Meaning you could be right but given how you are feeling and being physically ill it is likely skewed.

I can see you are getting a lot of support and the obligatory "leave him" votes from people. I would be wary of anybody who can so whole heartily tell you what to do after only hearing your side of events. Being familiar with people reading intent from actions I can say that that is foolish. It is simply assuming something based on how you would react. That is not understanding somebody that is imposing your value system on them.

If you want to be in a grown up relationship you need to talk to him. I still get it wrong as does she but certainly if I insisted she behaved like me or I behaved like her we would never have stayed a couple. You both need to learn to communicate and to stay a couple you will both need to compromise.

On that note remember shouting and screaming is pretty much the same loss of emotional control as crying and sobbing when talking about things.

Good luck

Giggy

Kipperhell wrote: »

OP
When I first moved in with my wife we had a while where we needed to seriously readjust our own personal views and habits. What you are describing sounds like that to me.

There's a difference between readjusting when you move in with someone and one person just being a plain ass.

Kipperhell

Giggy wrote: »

There's a difference between readjusting when you move in with someone and one person just being a plain ass.

I think you should read my post again and ask yourself how are you so sure about another person described by the OP whom you don't know and is running a fever?

LegacyUser

Kipperhell wrote: »

OP

You also sound like a jealous person and taking that on board I would not consider your accounts of his possible cheating as anything other than your preceptive. Meaning you could be right but given how you are feeling and being physically ill it is likely skewed.

I can see what you are saying about the being sick thing but the above seems a bit much considering that the OP says

they go drinking together even though I explained it was against my wishes that he do that. He disappears with her after we finish work and I share a taxi home with a girl who lives in our estate. He comes home a few hours later completely buckled.

The other night he kept disappearing with her while I was working, she just came in to work for a drink, even though she lives an hour's drive away

They finish work at the same time and he goes out drinking with a friend rather than going home with his partner? Even if the friend was a male it would be unacceptable all the time. The fact that she is a woman who has no respect for his partner (asking him to hers in front of everyone) makes it even worse.
If my partner was going off on the beer with a woman who had made her feelings for him clear, while leaving me to make my own way home every evening, I would be thinking something was seriously wrong!

Giggy

Generally he seems like an ass, i don't think she has a fever constantly.

LegacyUser

Kipperhell wrote: »

I think you should read my post again and ask yourself how are you so sure about another person described by the OP whom you don't know and is running a fever?

Eh......apply that to yourself. How are YOU so sure she's portrayed it inaccurately.
You basically applied your own experiences inappropriately to this posters problems.

It sounds like you are expecting OP to be some kind of prize winning doormat.
Look at the thread, do you really believe everybody is out of step except you?

Its you who is out of step. OP's OH is cheating, stealing from her and treating her like dirt. Instead of telling her to accept this, dumb herself down, welcome maltreatment and turn a blind eye to his cheating why not just ditch the loser.

Plenty more fish and all that, no need to 'put up and shut up' -just jettison the loser and be happy!

Darthhoob

He has all the time in the world for her, they go drinking together even though I explained it was against my wishes that he do that. He disappears with her after we finish work and I share a taxi home with a girl who lives in our estate. He comes home a few hours later completely buckled.

this bit jumped out at me, i bet my life that he is cheating on you.

WHY does he go home with this woman when he lives with you?? and why does it take several hours?? and she seems pretty confident to mock you in front of him dont you thnk? cos that is what she was doing when she asked him back to hers in front of you, she was mocking you cos she is already having him at hers...and sorry to say..but you are letting it happen.

you need to get out of this relationship, it seems controlling and he is cheating on you...with your full knowledge, and doesn't seem to give a ****...as you dont (your sending that message to him by staying with him).

my eldest's dad was the same, and it wore me down so much it took ages to trust my current OH....or indeed anyman...get out now while you till can..before kids come into it x x x

and i hope you feel better soon x

Oh The Humanity

Of course he is cheating, its as plain as the nose on your face.

He is not going to his 'aunties' to discuss top secret family business on Saturday either.

Oryx

Sounds to me op like his attitude towards the flu is the least of his issues. Your description of your relationship reads as dire. Maybe you always knew this but put up with it because of the odd good time you both have, or because you are just used to it. This flu has just brought you down and made you see the situation differently (and properly).

Honestly, I cannot see one reason within your post why you should stay with this guy. Not one. The only reason you are still there must be becasue its easier than the upheaval of moving on (possibly with a change of home and job). But a few months of upset is better than the ongoing drudge of being treated like a complete and utter doormat by the man who is supposed to love you. Unless he has some completely stunning positive qualities you forgot to mention, I too think the time has come to kick him to touch. He sounds like a lying, cheating, drinking, uncaring waste of your time.

Darthhoob

SLUSK wrote: »

I am assuming you enjoy being treated like this, why are you still together with him if you do not like the way he treats you?

not a matter of enjoying it, more a matter of being manipulated so much you think it's the best you deserve, that you cannot do better, that this is the way men and relationships are...ends up being a case of put up or shut up (whereas peple outside looking in know better)

Kipperhell

oh ffs wrote: »

Eh......apply that to yourself. How are YOU so sure she's portrayed it inaccurately.
You basically applied your own experiences inappropriately to this posters problems.

Try reading what I actually put down. I am not sure she is wrong but I am sure that there is another side. I gave my experience as an example of how it may be a communication problem.

yupyup wrote: »

They finish work at the same time and he goes out drinking with a friend rather than going home with his partner? Even if the friend was a male it would be unacceptable all the time. The fact that she is a woman who has no respect for his partner (asking him to hers in front of everyone) makes it even worse.
If my partner was going off on the beer with a woman who had made her feelings for him clear, while leaving me to make my own way home every evening, I would be thinking something was seriously wrong!

I think it is perfectly acceptable if they are friends to go out. If they are other than that I am not sure but I know somebody who is jealous can have a different perspective. Based on the accounts given I think they are coming from that frame of mind and I'll go with what is presented not presumption of accounts being accurate.

If people recommend dumping some body based on a upset sick person stating events is a better idea then actually talking to the person fine. I'll stand by talking and let you guys debase a person you don't know.

Silverfish

Kipperhell, the nature of this forum is we have to conclude that people's version of events are accurate, and advise them based on that.

DigiGal

SLUSK wrote: »

I am assuming you enjoy being treated like this, why are you still together with him if you do not like the way he treats you?

Thats a bit harsh imo

She is upset last thing she needs is unhelpful comments like that

CDfm

Kipperhell seems spot on here.

To me being home with flu is the secondary issue and you two dont seem to be getting on the best at the moment not by a long shot.

It is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite gender in a best mates way with no shenanigans.

You work and live together so there is an overlap in your lives.

You say in your post that you haven't gone out on a date in the past month so surely something must have happened that has caused you to lead seperate lives.

What was it like before and when did it change?

LegacyUser

Hi guys and thanks for the responses. I am still in a pretty horrible state. We were talking last night about something completely separate when he lost the rag , got angry, slammed his keys down on the table and stormed off upstairs, when he came back down I asked him what was going on, if something was the matter , and if something had led to him behaving this way, and he said nothing is wrong or going on. He said I made him angry because I'm selfish and wasn't concerned with what he was saying because of how I looked at the clock and asked him if he was hungry while he was saying something, which i admit was my fault.

Before a few months ago, he didn't work as much as he does now, at times he's in there 24 hours at a timme, he was more available emotionally, he didn't scream at me in front of his family when we were at birthday parties, and he didn't always come back home drunk and senseless. I discussed this woman with him, and he said nothing is going on, that he is entitled to go out with his colleagues as he treats colleagues different to his friends, and he was planning a birthday celebration for her because she'd not celebrated her birthday yet (like why is it his responsibility?)

I told him that i will not be treated like a fool, and that if anything was going on I wanted to know and I wanted to know now.

He said he doesn't think she's in love with him, but I said to him to ask ANYONE we work with and he'll get his answer. He said that they go off for coffee together because they want to complain and moan about their jobs - apparently she understands him more than I do in that regard.

He said he won't go back to her house unless accompanied by friends, but I said I don't want him there full stop, and he said he doesn't like being told what to do so I had better watch my words carefully when I warn him about what he can and can not do.

He also said he's going to tell her what I said about speculating she's in love with him , and i asked him not to and he said it's too late, I told him out of respect for me he should at least keep this between he and I.

He said he can't just finish work and not ask her for a drink, she's single and alone, and i said "OH YEAH? WELL YOU HAVE A WOMAN AT HOME WHO HAS YOUR DINNER READY WHEN YOU COME IN AND SHE DOESNT , GO FIGURE!"

How am I meant to deal with this he just won't see my side of things....

I reminded him that he is in a committed relationship, and that whenever there's a problem I want to know about it. He said I will be the first to know when there is a problem etc. But this all seems so graduated now and I'm so sick I can't come to any kind of reasoning in my own mind.... I hate this. My life is suddenly so complicated now.

He actually made me a cup of tea today, before leaving the house and saying "don't wait up i'm going out after work".

At this stage I'm willing to try anything. I really don't know why walking away is such a hard option, I don't like giving up on something I've put so much into...

ellie1

Have you somewhere to go tonight?

Because I would get up out of bed and get some stuff together and leave.

"don't wait up i'm going out after work".

neak of him. Is he going out with the woman again.

Dont wait up. dont be there. Your bf is clearly not listening to you and you dont deserve to be treated this way. Stand up for yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi Ellie, I'm very weak, I couldn't pack a bag for a million dollars, my arms and legs are like jelly.... should I text him and ask him to come home after work? That i'm too weak to get up the stairs or something? I don't know where he's going, I'm not allowed know, I get told "out, why do i have to justify my plans when even i dont know them yet?"

LadyMayBelle

Pack your stuff and go girl. You have a friend you can stay with? Take with you enough stuff for a few days, your personal valuables etc.

You have put up with this waaaay too long. You really sound like you've been walked over for some time and you need to do something for yourself. Start living your own life . Best of luck. I really hope it works out x

Taltos

OP - I am afraid i agree with the rest (sane ones) on this.

Whether or not he is cheating at this point is immaterial (he is by the way) - but just look at what you just wrote.

> he is sharing a private conversation with another woman - despite you asking him not to
> he is prioritizing this single woman over you - going so far as to let you wait for him at home with a cooling dinner
> he tells you not to wait up because he is going out - oh I am just sure he is.

Do one of 2 things.
1. Pack your stuff and leave
2. Pack his stuff and leave it outside & change the locks.

This relationship is already over - just neither of you have the strength to admit it yet. You are being spoken to like a child - not sure about you but even as a kid I took offense at being spoken to like that - why are you accepting it?

Sorry - but better to find out now than to waste another moment with this ill mannered selfish git.

LegacyUser

I have been you -I gave and gave. I didn't wan't to give up either as i had put so much into it. So i put in and put in....it never ended , he took every sacrifice i had to give and was spectacularly ungrateful for everythin i gave.

in the end i couldn't take any more misery and ignorance. Itwas only about him. nothin else. ever.

i just walked away, my only regret was waiting so long !

so much happier with someone FUN now. move on girl, its long overdue, you are better than this.

aidan24326

Kipperhell wrote: »

I can see you are getting a lot of support and the obligatory "leave him" votes from people. I would be wary of anybody who can so whole heartily tell you what to do after only hearing your side of events. Being familiar with people reading intent from actions I can say that that is foolish. It is simply assuming something based on how you would react. That is not understanding somebody that is imposing your value system on them.

People are only advising the OP based on what she has written here. If we were to start questioning the accuracy or the level of bias of everything that's posted here this forum would serve no useful purpose. Either way the OP will make up her own mind in the end, all people here are doing is offering an opinion based on the info she's provided.

Kipperhell

Op

I'll keep it brief as I don't want to debate perception and actual events. Your descriptions of events do not sound like talking they sound like "telling". It does not sound like you are happy with the relationship. I have heard no mention of any possible issues with your behaviour from your own statements which to me suggests you have a blinkered perception. I am not saying you are lying and not telling the events as you recall them rather that they sound like one singular view without any view of how the other party feels.

I agree the relationship is doomed if you two carry on like this. The suggestions to move out abruptly and stay with a friend/family to me sounds quite childish. By all means move out if it is over but in such a rash form is not very mature,reasonable or constructive. The two of you are fighting.

CDfm

Kipperhell wrote: »

Op

I'll keep it brief as I don't want to debate perception and actual events. Your descriptions of events do not sound like talking they sound like "telling". It does not sound like you are happy with the relationship. I have heard no mention of any possible issues with your behaviour from your own statements which to me suggests you have a blinkered perception. I am not saying you are lying and not telling the events as you recall them rather that they sound like one singular view without any view of how the other party feels.

I agree the relationship is doomed if you two carry on like this. The suggestions to move out abruptly and stay with a friend/family to me sounds quite childish. By all means move out if it is over but in such a rash form is not very mature,reasonable or constructive. The two of you are fighting.

+1

A lot of the suggestions are kneejerk reactions.

There is nothing about whether or not you love the guy or any emotional investment in the relationship.

Yes you two are fighting. What outcome do you want?

Taltos

Kipperhell wrote: »

The suggestions to move out abruptly and stay with a friend/family to me sounds quite childish. By all means move out if it is over but in such a rash form is not very mature,reasonable or constructive. The two of you are fighting.

Childish?
Agree we don't have the whole picture. We only have the OPs word and yes there is little showing his potential side of things, but alot of posts are similar in this regard. And the wonderful thing about the forum is the OP can choose to ignore or accept any of the advice posted.
Hopefully most of which is posted by folk with some life-experience or better yet experience of similar situation.

I have to say I do like your suggestion that we are getting tunnel vision - but if my OH appeared to spend all their time with someone else to the exclusion of me and our relationship then I would have to seriously call into question their committment.

Most especially when this OH can be quoted as "He said he doesn't think she's in love with him" - I mean - what do you think that is all about really... Like seriously here now...

OP - at the end of the day only you can decide - but life is really short - your choice - stay where you are and suck it in like a good little adult or bail and seek the happiness you want...

Terodil

CDfm wrote: »

There is nothing about whether or not you love the guy or any emotional investment in the relationship.

With all respect, CDfm, I don't agree. I read the OP as desperately craving a sign of affection and care by her bf, she wants to see him care about her if only a little and not do the actual opposite the whole time! I agree there's something fundamentally wrong but simply butting in and saying that it takes two to tango is assuming a lot as well -- and actually nothing that we have an indication for (imo). It takes only one of two to let a relationship go to shambles.

When I read the OP I get the picture of the bf doing everything to antagonise her when she needs it least (berating her for going home when sick -- I mean honestly, wtf?), and his behaviour towards that lady from work is more than dodgy imo.

I definitely know 'love or emotional investment' would not be on top of my list in such a situation. I would be somewhat furious. That's not to say it's not there. But unilateral/unrequited love or emotional investment is not healthy. I would worry about the OP even more if she had actually mentioned it, because it would have shown her to be deluded or blind or stupid or a combination thereof. Again, just my $.02.

CDfm

Taltos wrote: »

Childish?

Hopefully most of which is posted by folk with some life-experience or better yet experience of similar situation.

OP - at the end of the day only you can decide - but life is really short - your choice - stay where you are and suck it in like a good little adult or bail and seek the happiness you want...

Move out,stay with a friend, change the locks.....

Thats really going to help.

From a practical point of view - even the financials of the house seem to be vague ownership or renting?

How about talking, or indeed cooking a meal or arranging a date the two of them?

Terodil

CDfm wrote: »

How about talking, or indeed cooking a meal or arranging a date the two of them?

Why would *she* cook *him* a meal
- when she's sick and
- after him kicking her in the teeth repeatedly?

Giggy

Ok get yourself better, then DUMP HIM QUICKLY..... before he stomps all over the little bit of confidence that's remaining in you. There's no reason why you should stick around anymore, ok you've put a lot into the relationship but it's time to cut your losses before you waste anymore time, energy, worry and love on him.

CDfm

She is well enough to suggest walking the aunts dogs on saturday.

He may be a nasty piece of work and the OP may be behaving like a princess.

This situation didn't just evolve and the OP must have something to compare it too.

The OP is talking about the symptoms and not the problem and sounding very sorry for herself doing so.

Taltos

So lets step this back a bit...

OP come here looking for help and advice on why she is feeling so low and neglected by her OH. Telling us how he is treating her. Admittedly with little info on how she treats him.

So here is what we have told her
> stay and talk it out again
> leave
> kick him out
> stop acting like a little princess and cook him a meal (admittedly I have merged 2 suggestions for this)

OP - I am really sorry if some of the advice here has made you feel worse. Hopefully you will take from this that nothing is ever simple. Maybe just take some time for yourself - say you need to spend the weekend with family or something - but go somewhere where you can get your head together and figure out what it is you want from life.

Darthhoob

CDfm wrote: »

Move out,stay with a friend, change the locks.....

Thats really going to help.

From a practical point of view - even the financials of the house seem to be vague ownership or renting?

How about talking, or indeed cooking a meal or arranging a date the two of them?

it will help HER

seems to me she has tried talking a few times and he just poos poos it and carries on with this woman. i mean WHY is is going home with her and taking hours when he lives with his gf. i accept people can have friends of the opposite sex but this other woman has feelings for this guy AND he knows that. plus he does it alot it seems
why should she work so hard to rescue the relationship when he quite honestly doesn't give a toss about her it'll be a waste of time. working at a relationship is only worth doing when both people actually want to make it work.

Beruthiel

hedoesntcare wrote: »

Hi Ellie, I'm very weak, I couldn't pack a bag for a million dollars, my arms and legs are like jelly.... should I text him and ask him to come home after work? That i'm too weak to get up the stairs or something? I don't know where he's going, I'm not allowed know, I get told "out, why do i have to justify my plans when even i dont know them yet?"

If you stay with this guy, you're life will be nothing but miserable.
He has no respect for you.
It doesn't matter how much time and effort you have put into this relationship. It makes no difference if he hasn't done the same.
You're flogging a dead horse.
Leave him.

Oryx

Even if we accept that we are only getting the ops version of events, it is clear that this relationship is dysfunctional and in a very very bad way. The stress and arguments described are not how I would want to live my life, regardless of which side of this couple is really at fault.

Its all very well to say 'cook a meal' 'talk to him' and 'work it out together'. But there comes a time in some relationships where youve got to break up as you are making each other into very unpleasant people. Weve all seen these types of relationships, either from the inside or at a distance. They are not healthy, and the ops situation sounds far from good for either of them.

CDfm

Oryx wrote: »

Its all very well to say 'cook a meal' 'talk to him' and 'work it out together'. But there comes a time in some relationships where youve got to break up as you are making each other into very unpleasant people. Weve all seen these types of relationships, either from the inside or at a distance. They are not healthy, and the ops situation sounds far from good for either of them.

As an outsider it does come accross that the relationship has hit a crisis. The OP seems to have taken to her bed and the BF has gone to the pub.

I am not saying she is a drama queen but she does sound whingey. I am not saying he is a saint but if things were happy at home he wouldn't be doing this.

OP - do you want the relationship to be over?

Kipperhell

Darthhoob wrote: »

it will help HER

Not necessarily if part of the problem is actually her jealousy. Reading the OPs posts it appears to have a large element of jealousy. They could be legitimate concerns but the way in which they are described suggests to me that it is an overblown view of events. Specifically the comment about not being treated like fool. It just sounds like she believes he is seeing the other woman regardless of what he says. Quite normal for people to be belligerent in such circumstances.

Darthhoob wrote: »

why should she work so hard to rescue the relationship when he quite honestly doesn't give a toss about her it'll be a waste of time. working at a relationship is only worth doing when both people actually want to make it work.

The point I have been making is that what has been described does not sound like he doesn't give a toss. It sounds like she is giving out to him a lot and constantly accusing him of cheating while worried about what her work colleges might think. He sounds like he is sick of it and is avoiding being around her. I think the second post really illustrates this. After being in a relationship with a jealous person it sounds familiar.

As it takes two people to have a relationship work it is amazing how many people think it is always just one person's fault for the break up. It takes two to fight in the way they are.

Kimia

Really, really don't agree with you Kipperhell.

She doesn't just 'believe' that the boyfriend is seeing this woman - he is telling her that he is meeting this woman. That's how I'm reading it. He is being straight up about the fact that they go on benders together and that he goes over to the other girls house and that they have private conversations together, when the OP has specifically asked him not to discuss certain issues.

He clearly doesn't give a toss. She has tried to talk to him and he won't listen. She has asked him not to meet this woman so much or talk to him about private things and he is refusing. That is so disrespectful.

And as for cookiing him dinner - why should she bother? He doesn't come home anyway he just goes out with this other woman all the time. He seems to have no interest in discussing it with her.

Are there any redeeming qualities about this relationship OP? Besides the fact that you are (understandably) scared about the big change it would be to break up??

RossFixxxed

^ Good points, either way though it sounds like it is well dead and gone!

I mean I drove out to my OH to drop her ice cream when she was Hung over, let alone really suffering with the flu. This is way outta line, and it sounds like there is a LOT of baggage hanging over this whole thing.

It's more destructive to stay at this point.

Kipperhell

Kimia wrote: »

when the OP has specifically asked him not to discuss certain issues.

That is not a reasonable request and reeks of jealousy. Woman constantly have best friends they tell EVERYTHING to. It is the rival aspect that is the issue and it is very transparent.

Kimia wrote: »

He clearly doesn't give a toss. She has tried to talk to him and he won't listen. She has asked him not to meet this woman so much or talk to him about private things and he is refusing. That is so disrespectful.

Her description of talking to him involved her telling what to do which shows no respect for him. She obviously doesn't trust him and he could easily be thinking "why should I put up with this?" Maybe the reason he doesn't listen to her is she has said it all before. I am saying as a man I can assure you a standard response to such conversations and constant complaining is to shut down or be belligerent. It does not mean he doesn't care it means he may not be able to address her concerns and is reacting to how she is behaving. It is classic argument escalation because neither is listening. She is jealous there is no denying that she maybe right but she maybe wrong events as described suggest regular accusations. If she is wrong and does this again in the next relationship advice on leaving him would probably be ill advised. Playing the odds suggests talking properly is best even if this is the end.

You are focusing on the other woman when you should be looking at how things are being described. When I talk of seeing the other woman I am not talking about them going out as friends but in a more intimate way.

ladygirl

hedoesntcare wrote: »

Hi guys and thanks for the responses. I am still in a pretty horrible state. We were talking last night about something completely separate when he lost the rag , got angry, slammed his keys down on the table and stormed off upstairs, when he came back down I asked him what was going on, if something was the matter , and if something had led to him behaving this way, and he said nothing is wrong or going on. He said I made him angry because I'm selfish and wasn't concerned with what he was saying because of how I looked at the clock and asked him if he was hungry while he was saying something, which i admit was my fault.

Before a few months ago, he didn't work as much as he does now, at times he's in there 24 hours at a timme, he was more available emotionally, he didn't scream at me in front of his family when we were at birthday parties, and he didn't always come back home drunk and senseless. I discussed this woman with him, and he said nothing is going on, that he is entitled to go out with his colleagues as he treats colleagues different to his friends, and he was planning a birthday celebration for her because she'd not celebrated her birthday yet (like why is it his responsibility?)

I told him that i will not be treated like a fool, and that if anything was going on I wanted to know and I wanted to know now.

He said he doesn't think she's in love with him, but I said to him to ask ANYONE we work with and he'll get his answer. He said that they go off for coffee together because they want to complain and moan about their jobs - apparently she understands him more than I do in that regard.

He said he won't go back to her house unless accompanied by friends, but I said I don't want him there full stop, and he said he doesn't like being told what to do so I had better watch my words carefully when I warn him about what he can and can not do.

He also said he's going to tell her what I said about speculating she's in love with him , and i asked him not to and he said it's too late, I told him out of respect for me he should at least keep this between he and I.

He said he can't just finish work and not ask her for a drink, she's single and alone, and i said "OH YEAH? WELL YOU HAVE A WOMAN AT HOME WHO HAS YOUR DINNER READY WHEN YOU COME IN AND SHE DOESNT , GO FIGURE!"

How am I meant to deal with this he just won't see my side of things....

I reminded him that he is in a committed relationship, and that whenever there's a problem I want to know about it. He said I will be the first to know when there is a problem etc. But this all seems so graduated now and I'm so sick I can't come to any kind of reasoning in my own mind.... I hate this. My life is suddenly so complicated now.

He actually made me a cup of tea today, before leaving the house and saying "don't wait up i'm going out after work".

At this stage I'm willing to try anything. I really don't know why walking away is such a hard option, I don't like giving up on something I've put so much into...

Op - I am shocked by what I have read,,, im actually really really angry for you...

So what if you looked at a clock during conversation and asked him was he hungry?? does this justify him having a freak out over something so insignificant,, now i do realise that clock watching is annoying im guilty of this with my boyfriend sometimes, but he just says jokingly that he'l have to take the clock off the wall if i dont stop, then id realise what i had being doing and stop,,, If he reacts this way over something so small, what will his reaction be if ye ever have major problems, mortgage, kids, health issues etc..

Why is he planning a birthday celebration for this girl???? He could be putting his time and energy into something more worthwhile like salvaging your relationship, or planning a date for you as ye have not been out on a date in a while,, he seems more concerned with her happiness and needs than yours,,,

Appartently she understands him more than you do?? what kind of a ridiculous statement is that to say to your girlfriend,,,how can you understand him or his problems if hes too busy drinking, socialising with her instead of coming home and having a dinner and talking with you,,, ok sometimes i know its easier to discuss certain problems with a friend however this is really pushing it,, He knows this is really bothering you and does not have the respect to even try and make an effort with you on this...

When you told him you dont feel comfortable going back to her house he returned it with a threat saying you had better watch your words,,, I mean you are not controlling,, if anything you are too leanient with him, i dont think its too much to ask for someone to come home and have dinner in the evenings instead of drinking with some other woman - there would not be many women put up with this kind of behaviour,, Then when you ask him to respect you enough not to go to her house he has the cheek to reply to you with "watch your words" ridiculous,,

It is an absolute discrace that he is going to tell her what you said to him,, this was a private conversation between you and him and he has totally disregarded your feelings here,, Does he tell you everything she says when they have these hour long chats?? NO i dont think so,,, he has more respect for her than you im afraid,,, GRRRRR:mad: hes making me so angry i cant imagine how you feel......


She is single and alone... SO WHAT!!!! what is he her knight in shining armour.... SHE is not alone, You are,, cause it seems she has all of his spare time,,,

And then knowing how you feel - he said not to wait up hes going out after work,, im so sorry OP but your relationship is Toxic... Please Please have enough respect for yourself to take a stand and not put up with this anymore,,, This guy will just dig and dig away at your self esteem until you feel worthless and trapped, if you have somewhere to go today then just GO,, dont even go through the hassle of kicking him out just RUN GIRL... and never look back,,,,,,

I know its hard but you will find someone who will treat you right, no one should be subjected to this,, I would really think that there is something going on between them and if there is just let them have each other,, youl find your own happiness,,,

xxx