No privacy at home

LegacyUser

Hi all

Going unreg as this is frankly too embarrassing to use a username.
I bought a shredder recently as I've moved jobs, lots of out of date but still confidential information hanging around so i destroyed it the sensible secure way, or so I thought.

I'm 24, live at home with my mam as I live and studied in Dublin, I'm only just in my new job so don't wanna be making any risky moves just yet. I was a bit bold with credit card last month and got a letter from the bank requesting me to bring my card back under my credit limit. I addressed the issue, and shredded the letter!

I come home one day to find out my mam went to empty the shredder, found the shreddings of the letter i got from the bank and ended up having a row. Now, presumably what she did is a total and complete violation of my privacy right? Today I got another letter from the bank offering to upgrade my current account to a graduate account, and she literally stood there watching as I opened it.

I may have to move out sooner than I think if this s**t keeps going! Opinions please

Mrmoe

Well the first thing to do, if your mother could decipher what the letter was about, would be to buy a new shredder. If someone else got hold of it , it might have been a lot more painful on the pocket. As long as she does not open any privately addressed letters there shouldn't be too much trouble. The problem is our parents will always consider us their children and it can be hard to completely let go. It is no harm to have moved out and gained your own independence particularly at your age.

VaioCruiser

I agree 100%.

You need to have a grown up conversation with your Mum. Not a raging row ... but a calm adult serious talk with her. You need to tell her that you are 24, and she needs to respect that. She needs to respect your privacy ESPECIALLY your private correspondence. It is possible that if you do this in a calm serious adult way, then she may stop treating you like her baby and realise you have grown up.
It depends on your relationship in other ways. Do you do a lot of fighting ? does she have a lot of rules for living in the house ? Does she have reason t worry ? because most of this behaviour is about worrying and not realising that she has to let you grow up.

All the best

LegacyUser

Well you see, my parents separated when I was 9, and I'm the youngest of four - the rest have all moved out, gotten married and had kids. We tend to get on very well in general, and she does a lot of the stuff guys my age living out on their own have to take care of themselves, like washing ironing etc. I then contribute with housework and the garden etc on top of the 450 euro a month I give her. I'm extremely laid back and passive almost to a fault - I tend to avoid arguments if I can, and tend to take things quite personally.

But my jaw hit the floor when she brought it up. I've been silly with money lately, no doubt about it but I am trying to rectify it this month. But I need privacy.

The_Conductor

You're not going to get privacy while living with your mother simple as......
Its surprising that she managed to decipher the shredded letter- I'd echo the sentiments above- and immediately get a better shredder. Thereafter- accept you don't have privacy and live with it- or move out........

I think your being harsh claiming that she invaded your privacy.
It is not like she was snooping, and at 24 it shouldnt have been left up her to clean your shredder in the first place.

VaioCruiser

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

Well you see, my parents separated when I was 9, and I'm the youngest of four - the rest have all moved out, gotten married and had kids. We tend to get on very well in general, and she does a lot of the stuff guys my age living out on their own have to take care of themselves, like washing ironing etc. I then contribute with housework and the garden etc on top of the 450 euro a month I give her. I'm extremely laid back and passive almost to a fault - I tend to avoid arguments if I can, and tend to take things quite personally.

But my jaw hit the floor when she brought it up. I've been silly with money lately, no doubt about it but I am trying to rectify it this month. But I need privacy.

Yes you do, and you are entitled to it. There are many many people living at home these days. I lived at home many years ago for a period in my twenties and my mother would never ever open a letter of mine or venture into a drawer or box of mine once I hit 18. NEVER.

What your mother is doing is not acceptable. It is natural to worry about you. But you need to put her straight. You are paying a good contribution to housekeeping costs and helping in the house. She needs to catch up with you.

It can be fixed.

All the best

SarahSassy

She still thinks of you as her baby and to be frank you are acting like one... You should be doing your own washing, ironing etc. She is not your maid no matter how much you are paying her.

pepsi1234

Why not move out? With 450 euro you could get a great flat share and your privacy back.

OS119

Moonbaby wrote: »

I think your being harsh claiming that she invaded your privacy.
It is not like she was snooping, and at 24 it shouldnt have been left up her to clean your shredder in the first place.

i'm not entirely sure how opening someone's shredder - itself an indicator - pulling out the most recent entries and painstakingly putting them back together so you could read it could be construed as 'not snooping' - what's the reasoning: 'i accidentally kicked it over, the top came off and the contents spilled out across the floor and magically came to rest in there original, 'pre-shredded' condition'?

very convincing, no, really...

OP, unlike VC i don't think this is an attitude that going to change after an adult conversation, regardless of what you say and the way you say it. the big 'child/adult' indicator for your mother is whether you live at home, that you live at home, regardless of how much you pay, what you say and the economic conditions, says to her that you're a child, and that she has the 'right' to act/think in this way...

move out. no other option, because regardless of you getting a better shredder, this attitude isn't going away, and she'll just find other ways to 'look after' you...

Firetrap

All you can do I think is to have a civilized chat with her and tell her that you're disappointed that she went snooping. Other than that, all you can do is take steps to stop it happening again. For all you know, she's been looking at confidential stuff belonging to you all the time.

If you can't move out, all you can do is take steps to stop her being able to access confidential information. You could buy a little lockable filing cabinet or one of those metal filing boxes that have a key in them. Or, if you really wanted to go to extremes, get the post office to hold onto all your post and collect it yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for everybodys replies.

@SarahSassy: Thanks for that observation loaded with assumptions about how I view my mother, but no I don't treat her as my maid, in fact when I try to she usually finds fault with the way I did it.

@Pepsi: I would love to move out, and I will once my job security is a bit more established. But 450 won't get me far in Dublin even sharing with someone else, I'd be settling for somewhere fairly dodgy with that money.

I don't think the shredder is particularly bad really, it just so happens that the letter was the last thing to be shredded and the remnants were probably still lined up as they were when shredded.

I suppose I'm just trying to establish what kind of boundaries are the norm in my situation

AMK

I have a twenty-four year old son and would consider this unacceptably nosy behaviour on your mothers part. However, a lot of parents can justify the most invasive of behaviour into their children's lives when they are worried about them. A sort of 'the end justifies the means' mentality. Is she prone to anxiety? She may be worried that you are in some kind of financial trouble. It sounds like you get on well with her most of the time and this type of thing is the exception rather than the rule.

I don't want to make too many assumptions but bringing up four kids when separated can't have been easy financially and she may be a bit over anxious on the subject of money. That doesn't justify her behaviour but might be a possible reason for it. However, if moving out isn't feasible right now you have to sit her down and have a grown-up chat about boundaries and privacy. Perhaps you could get some support on this from your siblings. If she can't accept your right, as an adult, to privacy you may very well have to move out.

mrsdewinter

Have you considered how you living in your mother's house is compromising her privacy?

It's time you moved into a flatshare. Rents are coming down all the time. Sure it mightn't be in the smartest area or include the perks you've enjoyed up to now but it would be the makings of you.

Like a lot of people leaving college, you need to redefine your relationship with your parents, and start seeing them as fellow adults with their own wants and needs. Not just moaning biddies who take too much of an interest in your personal affairs.

VaioCruiser

OP - I read so many advising you to move out. But why ? Why should you have to ? There are lots of good reasons to want to stay at home. Money and comfort being only two. Your privacy is not in conflict with your living at home and I am 1000% certain your mother would never ever think that you staying at home is affecting her privacy. Mothers love having their kids at home, especially one such as yourself.

Stay at home and have that calm mature conversation.

Please come back and let us know what happens.



All the best.

kelle

Your mother is from the generation that only spends what she has and no more. This concept of buy now pay later is not normal to her, and she was shocked when she saw you owed so much money. All the articles in the papers and magazines about young people losing their homes/using loan sharks in desperation have given her cause for worry.

All you can do is reassure her you have your money situation under control and that you will never get yourself into so much debt you cannot afford to pay it all off.

ebmma

Yep, I remember trying to explain to my mother that it is not ok to open my post. As it is PRIVATE, because it is addressed to ME.

You know what she said? "Oh, but it is not private. It is from the bank/college/etc"

Nothing happened when I tried to explain that looking through my wallet is not ok either. She went mental when she found a doctor's appointment card in my wallet because she was not informed and it was irresponsible of me to go to the doctor (??).

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the "it's my baby and I'm allowed to do whatever I want" attitude is really really strong in some people. I would view it as a disability since people don't seem to view it as something to fix.

You need to move out. So your accommodation would not be as comfy and you'll have to do your own housework. It is SOOOO WORTH IT.

Btw, not all parents do it and it IS a big deal. My mother in law would never open her children's post.

opinion guy

I'm a little shocked at how much of a hard time people are giving you OP. Really housework, rent etc etc - hardly relevant to the OP's post.

This is quite straight forward if you ask me. You bought a shredder to dispose of confidential work documents. Your mum, presumably knowing this, looked at a shredded document which even if it is 'in line' is still not something that just happens by accident and requires a little effort. So forget about the money stuff because now this goes beyond your personally privacy and affects your professional privacy. It doesn't just affect you, it affects your colleagues/patients/clients/whomever - it compromises your professional commitments. Personally, I'd be PISSED OFF and I would make it very clear that this is not acceptable (without picking a row of course!)

WhatToDoWatToDo

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

Thanks for everybodys replies.

@SarahSassy: Thanks for that observation loaded with assumptions about how I view my mother, but no I don't treat her as my maid, in fact when I try to she usually finds fault with the way I did it.

So what? My grandmother was always convinced I didn't know how to iron properly when I lived with her, and always found fault with it, but that didn't stop me ironing every single piece of clothing I have, always. It's not an excuse for you to dump your laundry on her "oh but she'd criticise me" :rolleyes:


As for the shredder bit, well, whenever there's a bit of mail still going to my gparents' house, they might not open it but they'll stand there watching me if I do. It's just how families are - they've watched you grow up from being little and you're still their baby. If you don't want to be treated like that, you'll have to move out. There's no reason you shouldn't anyway.

ebmma

bluewolf wrote: »

As for the shredder bit, well, whenever there's a bit of mail still going to my gparents' house, they might not open it but they'll stand there watching me if I do. It's just how families are - they've watched you grow up from being little and you're still their baby. If you don't want to be treated like that, you'll have to move out. There's no reason you shouldn't anyway.

That is not how families are. This is how SOME families are. And they are that way because it is allowed to continue.

If somebody came here asking if it is ok for their parents to monitor their bowel movements would it also be fine because you are always their baby and sure they've seen it before anyway?
That's nonsense.

Privacy is not that important to some people and that's fine. But it is not ok to take away somebody else's privacy because YOU don't think it is important.

And he is NOT still her baby. He's 24 ffs. He might still be her baby in her head but it is not the reality of life. It is just something everyone has to deal with at some stage - kids grow up.

The_Conductor

He will always be her baby- and until such time as he exercises his own independence and moves out from under her roof, irrespective of how he is contributing financially, he will always be considered in this manner by her. She is running around after him doing his laundry and ironing ffs- if he wants his independence- he should move, full stop.

You are suggesting that the manner in which his mother is behaving is somehow unusual or out of the ordinary- I'm suggesting to you- that in the vast majority of cases- its more normal for a mother to exercise this degree of control over a son living at home- than not.

Having a shredder would be a natural cause for curiousity- obviously his shredder is not up to the task intended though.

If you want independence and privacy- get your own place. You should not assume either- as long as you are living with your parents. You will always be their child- regardless of your age- and they will always legitimately be concerned for your well being. By living at home- you simply give them additional opportunity to act on this concern for your well being.

ebmma

ebmma wrote: »

And he is NOT still her baby. He's 24 ffs. He might still be her baby in her head but it is not the reality of life.

Of course it's the reality - he's living at home with mammy doing all his cooking and cleaning and running around after him. If he doesn't want to be a baby anymore, then he should move out, establish some independence.

LegacyUser

Hi

Thanks for (some of) your responses. I think for now, the diplomatic chat is the way to go.
I'm not normally in the habit of defending my lifestyle to people I've never met and have no idea who I am, but seeing as some of you seem remarkably keen to digress from the original subject of my post and jump the gun, making all kinds of assumptions about how I treat and regard my mother, I'll offer the following:

Invading my mothers privacy? I don't think so, seeing as it is her who is opposed to the idea of me renting - she worked in the property business for 14 years and regards renting in Dublin as good as flushing money down the toilet, as you end up spending ferocious amounts of money keeping a roof over your head, with absolutely nothing to show for it once you stop renting. It also makes it very difficult to save for a mortgage deposit as you've little left after rent and utilities are paid.

"he's living at home with mammy doing all his cooking and cleaning and running around after him" - Seriously? Most of what I eat I buy myself during the week at the premium prices you get in Dublin city centre. She doesn't "run around" after me either...as an example today, the two of spent the day fixing up her wardrobe, then I cut the grass, and hoovered the house, then she cooked dinner, then I cleaned up. I think you'll agree thats a reasonably equitable share of the workload we have.

"If you don't want to be treated like that, you'll have to move out. There's no reason you shouldn't anyway. "

"It's time you moved into a flatshare. Rents are coming down all the time"

You are, I assume, unaware of (or financially insulated from ) the economic implosion the country's experiencing right now then. Moving out is part of my long term plan, but staying at home is the sensible, measured approach, given the economic climate we now live in. As I've already stated, I'm not long in my new job, and I want to ironclad that I'll have a monthly income before I go moving.

I graduated from university this time last year, and started working immediately. I was naive about how secure my job was - but then why wouldn't I have been, anyone who wanted a job could get one during the celtic tiger years. Then I was made redundant last December and spent over 2 months trying to find a job, even though I have an excellent track record and two university degrees - if that were to happen to you, it would, in no uncertain terms soften your cough no end.

I don't intend to move out, only to be let go a few weeks later and have to come crawling back home. It won't be much of a bargain if I'm unemployed, no matter how low the rents are. Thanks for the support from the posts which actually responded to my original subject. The chat is the way to go I think

Thans

WhatToDoWatToDo

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

regards renting in Dublin as good as flushing money down the toilet, as you end up spending ferocious amounts of money keeping a roof over your head, with absolutely nothing to show for it once you stop renting.

Do you grasp the concept of paying for goods and services? how much money do you spend on food and electricity bills? What do you have to show for them after the food is eaten and the bills are paid?

This whole property business was great at yelling "rent is dead money" when banks were throwing out credit and developers wanted to sell overpriced low quality blocks, but obsessing about buying something just so long as you own it...

Moving out is part of my long term plan, but staying at home is the sensible, measured approach, given the economic climate we now live in. As I've already stated, I'm not long in my new job, and I want to ironclad that I'll have a monthly income before I go moving.

Sure, you have it easy so you stay at home. I used to be the same. Made excuses, blah blah. The thing is, you'll have to accept you're living in close quarters where your mother will be your mother and not an impersonal landlord, or you have to move out.
Whatever the cost of renting is, it's by far paid back in the simple freedom and independence.
and if your job doesn't work out, you move back home.

I also don't know why you're moaning about rents considering you're paying your mother 450 anyway. That's well more than what you'd need to find a nice place near the city centre. Though I admit it might not help too much with saving for a mortgage deposit when you're over your CC limit and all

LegacyUser

Hang there just a sec Blue, all I'm posting here for is information about other people's experiences and what they consider appropriate boundaries and norms in the situation I'm in. Instead, you for some reason have decided to drag the thread wildly off topic and resort to bitchy ad hominem attacks and implying that I'm taking the lazy, easy option, because you've some preconception of the type of person I am.

Living at home is about practicality too. I live within an hours walk of where I work, so when I leave the office at 10pm like I did two days this week, it's good to not have to face the drudgery of commuting.

I'm not the first person to go over their credit limit and I'm not "making excuses" or "obsessing about buying something just so long as I own it." I'm looking at the choices in front of me with respect to my obligations and responsibilities, and making the sensible one. My family of 5 homeowners and parents agrees.

And as for finding a nice place for less than 450 near or in Dublin City Centre - LOL!!!! A quick look at Daft reveals that a two bedroom apartment in Summerhill is 1100 euros a month. I don't know about you, but I like not having my evenings punctuated by gunshots and feral kids throwing rocks at cars, windows and homeless people. I think I'll wait until my job can be considered reasonably secure in five months time , and then I'll think about moving.

Peace out

Hamiltonion

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

And as for finding a nice place for less than 450 near or in Dublin City Centre - LOL!!!! A quick look at Daft reveals that a two bedroom apartment in Summerhill is 1100 euros a month. I don't know about you, but I like not having my evenings punctuated by gunshots and feral kids throwing rocks at cars, windows and homeless people. I think I'll wait until my job can be considered reasonably secure in five months time , and then I'll think about moving.

Peace out

You obv haven't looked very hard, I'm renting a large double in a lovely apartment just off Merrion Square for E400 a month, its all electric and well insulated so my bills are very low, a friend only last week took a double room in a 3 bed house in Harolds Cross for 375 pm, and these are both 9 month contracts! Therefor you could negotiate a reduced 12 month contract

OS119

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

And as for finding a nice place for less than 450 near or in Dublin City Centre - LOL!!!! A quick look at Daft reveals that a two bedroom apartment in Summerhill is 1100 euros a month.

why on earth do you believe your only choices to be between paying €450 a month to stay at home and be spied on, and a €1100 per month two bedroom apartment?

too posh for a house-share with other working young people who don't want to have mammy fold their Y-fronts, or is your porn collection too big for a one-bedroom flat?

my post was pretty supportive, but if that's your attitude i think you need to get real.

Zaph

OS119 wrote: »

too posh for a house-share with other working young people who don't want to have mammy fold their Y-fronts, or is your porn collection too big for a one-bedroom flat?

OS119, please tone it down. Any more posts of this nature and I will infract you.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

why on earth do you believe your only choices to be between paying €450 a month to stay at home and be spied on, and a €1100 per month two bedroom apartment?

too posh for a house-share with other working young people who don't want to have mammy fold their Y-fronts, or is your porn collection too big for a one-bedroom flat?

my post was pretty supportive, but if that's your attitude i think you need to get real.

Again, more presumption. I don't believe those are my only choices actually, I was giving an example in the context of previous people's suggestions (flatshares). I would actually love to share with other people as I'm all for meeting new folks etc.

You obv haven't looked very hard, I'm renting a large double in a lovely apartment just off Merrion Square for E400 a month, its all electric and well insulated so my bills are very low, a friend only last week took a double room in a 3 bed house in Harolds Cross for 375 pm, and these are both 9 month contracts! Therefor you could negotiate a reduced 12 month contract

No I didn't look hard, thats why I called it a quick look But if those are going prices for those areas then I'd definitely check them out. Somewhere like merrion would be very handy actually, a good catch on your part, fair play!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im with you on this one, you have come here for a little bit of advice about a nosey mother and i think some of the posters have over reacted in their critical responses, sometimes on boards people just cant wait to get the boot in and i think its hard enough to come on and put yourself out there for advice, now you find yourself defending your life, I gave up asking for advice of this nature because people can never know the full situation so they end up speculating. I often address how the OP is feeling and see if i can be a friendly ear to lean on, it is a big reason why in society we do not open up to many people because reactions can be very judgmental.


Going back to your original post, parents can push your buttons sometimes, and they can be overbearing when your living with them, many people experience this and i don't agree with just letting you mother continue to invade your privacy other posters are almost saying it is her right because it is her home, if there are issues that are effecting your relationship with her then it is defo worth addressing them to build a better relationship with her, also maybe you could buy a big locker and put a lock on it in your room if she does not listen.

OS119

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

Again, more presumption. I don't believe those are my only choices actually...

well, they were the only options you mentioned...

can i ask why you haven't had a decent look at what your options actually are if this is such a problem?

if it was me, as i said in my initial post, i'd be camping if neccessary, that night. i wouldn't put up with this crap for a second - and its the attitude that is the big problem, rather than a technical issue with a 'get a better shredder/big locker' solution...

the truth, from what others based near you have said, is that you could be out by the weekend, in a house/flatshare and be paying less than you are now and not in some hellhole either...

ebmma

smccarrick wrote: »

He will always be her baby- and until such time as he exercises his own independence and moves out from under her roof, irrespective of how he is contributing financially, he will always be considered in this manner by her. She is running around after him doing his laundry and ironing ffs- if he wants his independence- he should move, full stop.

You are suggesting that the manner in which his mother is behaving is somehow unusual or out of the ordinary- I'm suggesting to you- that in the vast majority of cases- its more normal for a mother to exercise this degree of control over a son living at home- than not.

Having a shredder would be a natural cause for curiousity- obviously his shredder is not up to the task intended though.

If you want independence and privacy- get your own place. You should not assume either- as long as you are living with your parents. You will always be their child- regardless of your age- and they will always legitimately be concerned for your well being. By living at home- you simply give them additional opportunity to act on this concern for your well being.

I am eternal optimist and a believer in people's ability to change :-)
If there's a problem with how one person is treated by another (regardless of how they are related) there should at least be an attempt to solve it by talking about it and trying to work out some sort of compromise. Especially since OP is so set on remaining at home.

Also it is very little about mother concerned about well-being and a lot about control. She could have asked how he is doing financially but she chose to look through his stuff (shredded or not).

shellyboo

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

@Pepsi: I would love to move out, and I will once my job security is a bit more established. But 450 won't get me far in Dublin even sharing with someone else, I'd be settling for somewhere fairly dodgy with that money.

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

And as for finding a nice place for less than 450 near or in Dublin City Centre - LOL!!!! A quick look at Daft reveals that a two bedroom apartment in Summerhill is 1100 euros a month.

Um, I pay 430 for a *huge* double bedroom in Blackrock village. We have a balcony and an amazing sea view. There are places out there for less than 450, lots and lots and lots of places, actually. You can well afford to move out on that money - I think this should be your plan.

mandysmithers

I think the OP seems quite happy at home, and respects his mother - hence helping out around the house and contributing financially. I don't see why so many people are taking it off topic adn telling him to move out. So what if he's still at home, he's planning to move out soon, and he wants to save some money - it makes perfect sense to me.

Obviously, OP, you need to mention to your mother that it's unacceptable for her to go through your things. Just because you're living at home, it doesn't give her the right to snoop around and invade your privacy, especially now that you're 24 years of age. If things don't change, then you should consider moving out a bit sooner than planned.

WhatToDoWatToDo

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

And as for finding a nice place for less than 450 near or in Dublin City Centre - LOL!!!!

I'm in a house share with a large ensuite double 15 mins from the city centre in H's X, 500 euro p/m. So yes, you can find a nice place.
You mustn't have been looking very hard.

So what if he's still at home, he's planning to move out soon, and he wants to save some money - it makes perfect sense to me.

Well yes, except I find it hard to understand someone who claims they're living at home to save but instead racks up CC debts over a CC limit. Having a landlord and other bills to pay for might encourage a bit more prudence. Not having his mammy around who only had a row with him because she's seeing her youngest in financial troubles despite living at home - I'd be more worried if she didn't give a damn.


In any case he's determined to stay at home but complain about privacy, so what can you do - I'm going to leave it here.

miec

Hi Op

I don't know why everyone has had a go at you for not moving out etc., personally I'd ignore them.

You asked whether your mother's actions were invading your privacy. I say yes she has. Your mother had no right to read the contents of your shredded post and she has no right to look over your shoulder as you read your post. It seems to me that overall you and your mother have a fair division of chores, you both get on well, but in this area she has invaded your privacy. I would suggest you have the chat with your mother as suggest by another poster and establish the boundaries between you and her in relation to your post and finances. I believe you can develop independence whilst living at home as well by discussing this and any other issues with your mother in a sensible manner.

Euro_Kraut

OS119 wrote: »

can i ask why you haven't had a decent look at what your options actually are if this is such a problem?

I wonder about this too. Sounds to me like you made a very half hearted effort to look OP. I wonder why that was?

You could get ideas of rental prices for a room after 5 minutes on daft. It would strike me as type of thing a person would tend to spend their time on before posting on a forum expressing their dissatisfaction at living at home.

From this, I detect a reluctance from you to leave home. That’s perfectly understandable. The rent issue is may be a straw man you are using to block yourself from admitting that you yourself.

Having said all of that, what your mother did was well out of order. No one at your age should have their finances poked into by another person. I feel very sorry for you.

Terodil

WhatToDoWatToDo wrote: »

I was a bit bold with credit card last month and got a letter from the bank requesting me to bring my card back under my credit limit. [...]

I come home one day to find out my mam went to empty the shredder, found the shreddings of the letter i got from the bank and ended up having a row. Now, presumably what she did is a total and complete violation of my privacy right?

Any good mother would address the issue with her son if she found out he was over his ears in debt. She is your mum! If she doesn't pull your ear a little over it then who will? And debt is a rampant problem these days. Once you're really in it it's game over.

Anyway, I agree with Bluewolf. If you really wanted to move out then you would have. So stop giving your mum a hard time, it's not like she opened a letter addressed to you, she took YOUR garbage out. :rolleyes:

ebmma

Terodil wrote: »

AIf she doesn't pull your ear a little over it then who will?

Life. Natural consequences of not having money. Like it should be.

Terodil

ebmma wrote: »

Life. Natural consequences of not having money. Like it should be.

Oh yeah, the banks, high-risk money-lenders, and debt collectors only have your best interest at heart, unlike the mum who just digs through her son's garbage to find out his dirty stories with the sole intent to nag him...

While letting your kid burn his/her hands on the stove may work miracles, those wounds are also uncritical. This is not the case with debts that can very quickly turn into a quicksand that leaves no escape.

kiffer

When shredding documents make sure to shred across the writing not along the writing ... then pull the strips of paper out of the shredders bin, pull them apart and mix them up by hand and then shove them into the main household bin along with other nastier waste.
Better yet get a shredder that cuts the paper into squares/small rectangles rather than strips.

liah

Why not just burn your documents when you're done with them? That way there's absolutely NO chance of her putting them back together.

It's a huge invasion of privacy imo. I don't get all these people saying it's her right. Doesn't matter if you live with her or not-- they're YOUR documents. It's YOUR life. And the poster who said if she didn't get after you, who will-- what the hell? He has to take responsibility for himself. He shouldn't need someone to get after him and by the sounds of it he doesn't need someone to get after him, he'll learn one way or another, that's part of life experience.

He's paying more than enough in rent to her. She does his laundry/food voluntarily, he's said he's tried to do it himself and she just gets after him for it-- that's her choice, he didn't force her to.

Firetrap

The OP has reasons for not moving out so they need to be respected. What they have to do now is to establish some boundaries.

If I was in the OP's shoes, I'd start making a point of putting every single letter that arrives in the post into my pocket or bag then going into my room and shutting the door before opening it. Even if it's only a junk mail letter I'd insist on opening it in private without a parent in sight.

ebmma

Terodil wrote: »

Oh yeah, the banks, high-risk money-lenders, and debt collectors only have your best interest at heart, unlike the mum who just digs through her son's garbage to find out his dirty stories with the sole intent to nag him...

While letting your kid burn his/her hands on the stove may work miracles, those wounds are also uncritical. This is not the case with debts that can very quickly turn into a quicksand that leaves no escape.

I'm sorry, what was I thinking! :rolleyes:Maybe he should surrender running of his life to his mammy. That way he'll be safe always (mammy always knows best, right?) and never learn a thing about looking after himself.