Hubby on dating website?

LegacyUser

Hey guys

I'm a little unsure about this... I'm a fairly trusting person but things haven't been going very well with the husband for a while now. I'm looking for feedback on what u think...

About a year ago I found a website the hubby had been on through the browsing history. I was actually looking for a website I'd been on myself but wasn't coming up in the address bar when I looked for it. Anyway the site that showed was for Dublin call girls. I just remember getting this pang in my stomach because he's away A LOT. When he came home I asked him about it calmly and he said it was just a pop up so I left it.

Then I discovered a woman's belt in our spare room. It wasn't mine but he didn't know who owned it. His mother had stayed with us but it was a fairly young looking belt. It dissappeared and I haven't asked about it again. There was a row over it. Still no explanation on that one. Sorry... these things in isolation mean nothing and I trust him but add all these things up and it just doesn't seem right.

Ok so the website got me curious and I would have an oul look through the history from time to time. A couple of months back I came across a live sex chat website twice on the same day. I didn't ask him about it. I checked it out though and it was a woman sitting in underwear with a chat forum and if u pay she goes into a private room with you.

So then I suppose it was about a month ago, hubby got himself a new laptop has his own set of passwords says I'm always snooping on him etc... but I honestly never really worried too much I always trusted him. We went away together and while he was out playing golf I wanted to check email but didn't have the password. When I phoned, his mob was off. When I came back from the spa he'd set me up as a separate user. I asked him about it last night and he said he hates being watched and this way I can't check up on him all the time. I think he's over reacting... and it makes me more suspicious.

One last thing, he signed up to hotornot.com about 2 months ago and was telling me about it. So i signed up too. We both posted pics and wanted to see who'd rate highest. Anyway I haven't used the site in ages. I got the rating and forgot all about it. But he still goes on it all the time. I had double matched with him for the craic and today I was logged in and it brought up his profile and he's a star member. He's actually paid (It's now a dating website) and I feel sick. I feel physically sick.

Oh a couple of weeks ago he was emailing a girl on it and asking her all about sex and telling me saying he was winding her up and all. I told him I wasn't really comfortable and didn't want him doing it.

Ok we've had a whole host of problems.... like u wouldn't believe. But this... I just can't believe. Is it a form of cheating? Am i over reacting? I just feel betrayed. I can't help it.

Corb

You really have to speak to him about the whole thing. Everything that's bothering you. I would be suspicious to be honest. It's kind of hard not to be in your situation. It might be fine but for a start ask him why he's paid for a dating site and go from there. I hope you find the answers you're looking for, best of luck.

ladymarmalade

My heart goes out to you this is a devestating position to be in . This is after all your huband, who made vows of fidelity when he married you. I am not saying he has physically cheated on you but he has emotionally. You are not over- reacting you have every right to be annoyed and upset .... it's a breach of trust on his part.

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel and how this has affected you, it won't be easy but I wish you well xxxxxx

allandanyways

I don't know why people get annoyed when you confront them about their internet activities- it's the internet, it's not private.

You have every right to know what your husband's doing on the internet, if he's just browsing like a normal internet user (although what constitutes 'normal' is a different thing altogether), then there shouldn't be a problem. People don't deserve privacy if they're going to abuse it, and your husband, if you'll excuse me being blunt, is taking the piss here. Joining dating websites and talking to people online and being on sexchat websites can be like emotional cheating for many, many people. Why should he be on these websites if he has you? Have you checked his profiles? Is he listed as single? Why do men in relationships/marriages bother with these kind of websites? If it was a bit of fun, in all fairness, he would have got bored of them and stopped going on them after a while.

You need to ask him what he hopes to gain from being on these websites, because they're upsetting you, and I completely would be the same, I would be the exact same OP, and I would count a prolonged, intense series of dating websites/sex chats/emails as emotional cheating. Many men don't see a problem with "seeing what else is out there", but imo, discussing what you'd like to do with another woman etc etc is not on.

OP, I know exactly how you feel, been in a similar situation myself (although it's obviously more complicated given that ye are married) but I would sit down with your husband and just be blunt. Ask him what he's doing on these websites, is he unhappy within the marriage, is there something going on that he feels he can't turn to you...? They're tough questions but you can't creep around the topic, or else he'll just bull**** you with another "Ah, its just for a laugh" line.

And one more thing, you are NOT overreacting. Let's be honest, saying to someone on a dating website "Oh yeah, I'm single, work at X, been single for X amount of years, just looking for a good time"**is no different from being in a club, and would you be overreacting if he was saying that to a girl in a nightclub?

**not that your husband has said this, but just a basic example of what I'm saying

LegacyUser

Hi OP..

I found out just a few weeks ago that my partner was paying for a porn website...I accidently found out just like you.

Upon closer inspection of our credit card bill i found that he had been subscribing to the website for almost a year!

Well i lost the plot, he cancelled his subscription and now monitor our credit card account like a mad woman!..

I know how you feel its like you are being cheated on, even if it is via the internet. I too trusted my partner with my life and now it feels like everything our relationship was based on was lies..especially trust and honesty.

BUT..having had a long chat with my partner i realised why he had turned to this website. This traumatic discovery MADE us focus on our relationship and REALLY talk about the problems within the relationship we had both glossed over and not really admitted to ourselves or eachother.

My point OP is that maybe just maybe if you sit down and have a good open and honest chat with your husband things can get better for you both and he will not feel the need to turn to these dating/chat websites. It will take time to rebuild the trust (something we are working on) but it will be worth it in the end.

Hope my story can give you some hope that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.. that maybe just maybe this can help strengthen your relationship, just as it has mine.

Best of luck and keep us updated.

Otis Driftwood

@ above poster.There is a big difference in a porn website and a dating website.

@ OP.
There is a pattern here.You need to have it out with him and see what he says.Alternatively you could set up on anonymous account and mail him to find out what he is after.Dishonest,yes,but he hasnt exactly been above board either.The danger is if you confront him he will lie saying he was only talking to people but if you message him anonymously are you prepared for the possibility he is actively looking for sex with random women?

Its a double edged sword but I know what I would do in your situation,particularly with his history.

Miss Fluff

i can relate wrote: »

I found out just a few weeks ago that my partner was paying for a porn website...I accidently found out just like you.

It seems like you are equating watching porn with cheating?

FYI they are two very very different things

OS119

Hi OP,
from the way you've described it - a wide variety of types of 'dodgyness' - i think that the situation is both more and less serious than 'cheating'.

the 'wide variety' thing would suggest to me that actually he's not found a form of 'escape' that he's happy to use, ie: he's dipped his toe (bad turn of phrase:o) in the various streams and not found it one to his liking. that's kind of good news, it means its very unlikely that he will walk down any of the paths he's seen so far.

but, and its a big but, the fact that he keeps on trying new avenues after being put off by the last one says that he really doesn't want to be in your marriage. it may mean he doesn't want to be with you, or that he'd like to be in a different marriage/relationship with you. its, imho, impossible to know which, and even he may not know.

doubtless this will be assailed by the 'burn the perverts' brigade who state that a sidewards glance at a pretty girl is cheating, and that all contact with anyone outside your marriage is 'the-worst-thing-ever-in-the-history-of-the-world', but i'd suggest to you that many marriages survive cheating, but not one single marriage has ever survived one of the parties not wanting to be in it anymore.

good luck, and i think you should take a firm line, but be open to the idea this could both be the end, or perhaps a new begining, should you want it to be.

thefeatheredcat

Hey OP,

I think you need to take a step back before you do anything and bear in mind that there could be a more rational reasoning behind all his actions. You do of course have every reason and right to be a little suspicious.

But that's all there is - suspicion. The more you get suspicious the more suspicious all his actions and behaviour will become in time, even when they're not.

An open conversation with him about it would be a good idea, but don't come across defensive. He may just be exploring himself sexually and just likes to indulge in some porn stuff. The dating site and so on might just be for some innocent fun. And he did tell you about the rating site, so he is including you in a way.

The sooner you talk to him about it, the quicker your mind will be at rest regardless of the outcome of the situation. Better today than 3 months down the road when you're convinced he's having an affair when that may not be the case. Ask the question and you'll have an answer even if it could be something you don't want to hear.

I hope it works out the best

MissHoneyBun

Let me get this straight -unidentified women's clothing in the spare room, sexual exchanges with random women on the internet and he gives you sh1t about not being ok with this? What are you supposed to do? Focking celebrate the fact your husband is looking to get his jollies elsewhere? Time for a one-way trip to Last Chance Saloon with this chancer.

Emme

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Let me get this straight -unidentified women's clothing in the spare room, sexual exchanges with random women on the internet and he gives you sh1t about not being ok with this? What are you supposed to do? Focking celebrate the fact your husband is looking to get his jollies elsewhere? Time for a one-way trip to Last Chance Saloon with this chancer.

It's up to you, but a lot of women would call time on a marriage like this. Confront your husband with the evidence and see if he's willing to go to marriage counselling. However, if he's making a habit of cheating there's no guarantee he won't cheat again so you might want to talk to a good family lawyer.

MissHoneyBun

Emme wrote: »

It's up to you, but a lot of women would call time on a marriage like this. Confront your husband with the evidence and see if he's willing to go to marriage counselling. However, if he's making a habit of cheating there's no guarantee he won't cheat again so you might want to talk to a good family lawyer.

I aint the OP hon
Not sure if you meant to quote me there? Sound advice though!

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. I won't comment on the porn site stuff because that is just not worth it. It is part of life, inside or outside marriages.

In my view you need to reassess your whole marriage to this guy. Not only is he treating you with disrespect in what he doing because he is doing it openly and exposing you and your marriage to public ridicule, but he is not even being discreet and not even bothering to keep it secret. This is a guy who clearly and transparently has no real love for you or his marriage to you in my opinion.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. I broke up with him today. TBH we've had so many problems. About a yr ago we sat down realised neither of us happy. Hubby is constantly away. I've tried my hardest. I mean I've done everything but he hasn't made any effort. Still spends all his spare time on the laptop watching sport on sky or out with his friends. He now swears he's not chatting up these girls on the dating website, and claims coz i have my pic on hotornot too it's the same thing but my pic is only up to get a rating. He's actually paid to contact members etc. (If u know ths ite you'll know what i mean)
Anyway tonight it got ugly. I said I wanted to break up.

I just feel crap about things now. He's saying he won't let me live in the apt, he'll force me to sell, said he's been lying to me for ages and i'm too stupid to realise, picking holes in my character, saying i'll never be able to be on my own i'm too weak. I just feel like crying. The one thing I do feel guilty about is... and I posted something on this a while ago under a diff name, going unreg of course, that because things so crap and i feel like he no longer wants me I texted a guy from work asking if he was interested in me. It just felt good to feel desired. Of course because I love my husband and want him to want me, I told him and said i was sorry and explained why. He understood but of course it all came out in the wash tonight.

I just want to feel that i've done the right thing. That i deserve so much better for myself. I just feel like it's going to be so so hard and i'm worried i'm not able for it.

Emme

PLEASEHELP wrote: »

Hi guys, OP here. I broke up with him today. TBH we've had so many problems. About a yr ago we sat down realised neither of us happy. Hubby is constantly away. I've tried my hardest. I mean I've done everything but he hasn't made any effort. Still spends all his spare time on the laptop watching sport on sky or out with his friends. He now swears he's not chatting up these girls on the dating website, and claims coz i have my pic on hotornot too it's the same thing but my pic is only up to get a rating. He's actually paid to contact members etc. (If u know ths ite you'll know what i mean)
Anyway tonight it got ugly. I said I wanted to break up.

I just feel crap about things now. He's saying he won't let me live in the apt, he'll force me to sell, said he's been lying to me for ages and i'm too stupid to realise, picking holes in my character, saying i'll never be able to be on my own i'm too weak. I just feel like crying. The one thing I do feel guilty about is... and I posted something on this a while ago under a diff name, going unreg of course, that because things so crap and i feel like he no longer wants me I texted a guy from work asking if he was interested in me. It just felt good to feel desired. Of course because I love my husband and want him to want me, I told him and said i was sorry and explained why. He understood but of course it all came out in the wash tonight.

I just want to feel that i've done the right thing. That i deserve so much better for myself. I just feel like it's going to be so so hard and i'm worried i'm not able for it.

You've done the right thing, now get yourself a good lawyer to sort out divorce and property issues.

OS119

Hi OP, do what Emme says, sort out a lawyer get the marriage ended ASAP.

regardless of the rights and wrongs of what went wrong in your marriage, your-soon-to-be-ex-huibby's behaviour towards you after you finally saying you were ending it is just outrageous. they show the guy in his true colours.

the man's a cnut, you're well rid.

good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi guys

OP here guys - thanks for your answers ya know, i broke up with hubby and he was leaving for 5 days with work so he rang me during the week and said he was sorry and we've decided to give it another go. We've agreed to put the past behind us and move on. The only thing is... and it wasn't until yesterday I began to think he's still not making much of an effort, went to see friends yesterday help them out building something and he wouldn't come, went for drinks last night he didn't want to come, was away this morning and back in the afternoon. Watched tv on his own all day apart from the x factor which we watched together. it might sound stupid, but it's playing on my mind. Asked him to make a cup of tea for me which come to think of it he's never done, and waited and waited and waaaaited.... so made it myself.

I suppose i'm not 100% with the situation wish he'd do more things with me that I enjoy ... am i being immature... should I want to compromise, am I expecting too much do u think?

appreciate any responses guys thanks

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I've read through this thread and your last entry surprised me based on what had happened before, especially the hurtful things your husband did and those he hurled at you in the row ye had.
I was a little surprised he rang you after just a few days but was much more surprised that you agreed to put the past behind you and give it another go. In my opinion, it would appear you were too lenient. He's back home and you're right back where you started with no obvious change in behaviour.
I would say that you need to talk seriously again, and soon, before the dust settles again and he's back to his old ways again. I know relationships can become strained for a million reasons but hopefully you can salvage yours before it gets really bad.
I hope you get something sorted. Take care, OP.

LegacyUser

Hey guys
thanks so much for all your advice n support. I feel a bit guilty because I had gotten close to someone at work - i mean we have lots in common and get on very well together. I don't fancy this guy but I know he fancies me.

anyway a few weeks ago, myself and hubby were talking and saying how **** things are between us. I explained how i'm sick of making the effort and feel he doesn't want me. He said honestly he doesn't think we get on and enjoys being on his own more. He's been denying it for ages but I always thought thats what was going on. We decided it was best to go our separate ways. Anyway we were going to his friends wedding that day and even though i didn't want to, i went to show face. Wedding was fine... i was upset because we sat through the mass and obviously being married 2 years hearing for better for worse etc was hard. he ignored me for a large part of the day and i felt like crap. I spent the day talking to other ppl and just getting to know everyone. i don't know his friends and their partners that well because he doesn't ask me out with them.

anyway i got fairly hammered and texted the guy from work told him about the conversation we'd had and how crap I felt. Asked him if he flirted with me intentionally coz I was flattered. He said yea i'm good looking but i was only fishing for compliments." It gets worse.

I said i was upset because i loved my hubby but he doesn't want me. I said "jokingly" so if i was single would u be interested?" he said i was married and to focus on that etc etc. I wanted to feel wanted, I know it sounds bad but i just wanted to feel like someone was interested. i was sick and am sick of the effort i put in. I haven't the energy anymore for it.

I ended up going to bed at 11 coz I had a migraine. I cried myself to sleep. Next day was very strange. Texted yer man to apologise explained it didn't matter who he was i just wanted attention from someone which is the truth. Anyway it's never come up again and it's all cool. He's since left the job anyway coz he was only temping. Anyway that day I told hubby coz he knew something was up. We had a very nice make up he said he understood etc etc and it wouldn't have been long before i found someone who i'd more in common with.

Since then he's (obviously) brought it up esp with this whole website thing. I've found another dating website tonight on the net that he's registered to. Haven't opened my mouth. So I feel guilty that what i did is just as bad. Yes i had my reasons and yes i regret it, or rather it's I regret telling him. Because for those couple of hours i did feel wanted. I felt sexy and attractive.

Last night it all kicked off again after deciding to put the past behind us, he hasn't changed. Says I'm wrecking his head again and then says "forget it" i haven't slept in so long. i'm soo tired. i'm getting migraines nearly every day. The thing is last week when i broke up with him i felt physically sick and scared. The first day was fine. The second was a nightmare but i haven't actually cheered up. I have depression and have been for the last week and a half. Sitting in work staring into space. Feel numb the whole time.
I have no idea how to fix it. I've asked him to go to counselling, speak to ppl, had 100s conversations, i just want him so much to just come to me for a change. Give me a cuddle. Tell me he wants me. And show it. We do nothing together folks... not even clean the house. it's like one upmanship with him. Says i'm untidy yet I'm the only one who cleans the place.

So the situation i'm in is such that even though he's the love of my life and i can't imagine being with anyone else, i mean it makes me feel sick right now, and i want him to comfort me. I love his cuddles and it feels right. I fit under his arm you know all that familiarity stuff... but he's distant, out on his own or with friends all the time.

The horrible thing is, because i'm feeling low again (I'm on meds and have been grand since i started taking them) i'm feeling crap about myself. i'm adopted and my birth mother cut all contact with me a few years ago i was devastated and i know i shouldn't but i can't help feeling like it's me. i don't want to start thinking this way. i'm just such a mess.

So sorry for the long post. I'm just lost at the moment. Don't know what to do. I just want the whole thing to end - i'm not able for anymore. I feel stupid for marrying him. I am trying to drag myself out of the dumps by the bootstraps but it's so hard.

nesbitt

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Let me get this straight -unidentified women's clothing in the spare room, sexual exchanges with random women on the internet and he gives you sh1t about not being ok with this? What are you supposed to do? Focking celebrate the fact your husband is looking to get his jollies elsewhere? Time for a one-way trip to Last Chance Saloon with this chancer.

+1

There have been several incidences of dubious goings on in real life and on line. On the one hand yes internet porn is not cheating. On the other hand you found womens belt in your house and confronted your hubby to no avail.

Over the passage of time you have tried to deal with the various situations and somehow he has managed to get you to accept and normalise the behaviour. Then he gets you to go online and indulge in a dating website yourself so now your involved in the behaviour.

You now have a total head wreck in trying to deal with him. Please trust yourself to know what is on right in front of you....

nesbitt

fisonffs wrote: »

The horrible thing is, because i'm feeling low again (I'm on meds and have been grand since i started taking them) i'm feeling crap about myself. i'm adopted and my birth mother cut all contact with me a few years ago i was devastated and i know i shouldn't but i can't help feeling like it's me. i don't want to start thinking this way. i'm just such a mess.

I don't blame you for feeling down you have been through enough really. The issue with your birth mother is separate from your hubby so don't start being down on yourself some times it REALLY is not your fault in anyway. Chin up.

LegacyUser

OP you cant see it now, but you deserve much better than what your husband is currently offering you. He is treating you really badly & constantly putting you down and you're just taking it all from him.

Take some time on your own to get things into perspective without him around. I think counselling would also help you sort out your current problems and also your past with your birth mother.

Be strong and do what's right for you. You are not the problem in all of this.

Katgurl

OP, I'm sorry but your marriage is over. Your husband doesn't want to be in it, oh he'll coast along with this sham but will never be a proper husband do you. You have to face up to facts & leave him.

I know you're going through a terrible time & it all seems very scary but no-one can do this but you.

I understand its all so muddled up particularly with the confusion of your own imperfect behaviour and you have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting your marriage to be over. But the facts are - your husband admitted he wants to be on his own, thats why you sent the texts to the other man. And afterwards, your husband told you that you would meet somebody you'd get on better with.

There's no point workign at somehting onesided. Your husband is cruel and spineless because he's prepared to go on tormenting you instead of facing up to ending the marriage.

It'll hurt at first but when you look back at this part of your life you will be so relieved you walked away.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all ur advice. Each time i read the marriage is over I feel sick. I'm trying to save money so i'm prepared if (When) it goes t1ts up. He's gone to his parents this weekend because we spoke the other day he said he's really down and doesn't know how to turn it around. I asked why he hadn't ended it he said he loves me and wants it to be like it was before (Fantastic) I suggested talking to his parents who are married 30 years, he wanted to do it alone so thats where he is. he's going away alone in 2 weeks for 2 weeks so it'll give me some time to myself to think about things.

If this was just a relationship i'd have walked away but because i'm married i really don't want to let it all go without one hell of a fight. I don't want to meet someone else, being separated or divorced. I made a commitment for the rest of my life and although a lot of the advice is it's not my fault, i'm still playing a part in it and i really don't want it to end. I do love him. I really love him. I knew the minute I met him he was the love of my life. Things weren't always like this. So as u can see my head's still wrecked!! i'm glad I can post here because it's so draining talking to friends etc having to explain the he said then i said... sick of it. i've told everyone i don't want a phone call this weekend coz i'm not getting into it. i'm spending the entire weekend on my own and it's been fantastic.

anyway that's besides the point. Thanks so so much for your advice. i'll keep you posted on developments. And if anyone has anymore advice, i'd love to hear it.

kjl

well now hold up, I can appreciate that the OP is upset here, but what exactly did her OH do that was so bad.

The only thing that was even close to bad was that he went on a dating website and not even a dating website, but hotornot. True hot or not is a dating website, but its so global even restricting search to Ireland brings up about 200 people from Northern Ireland. Secondly HotOrNot recently change its pollicies that only paying members can submit photos for constant monitoring, otherwise you have to rate people all day to get a rating. So that could explain the star rating. And even if, he went on to this site to flirt with people, he still hasn't cheated or actively pursued anyone, maybe he wanted to see if he still had it. What the OP did by contacting and flirting with someone she actually knows is 10 times worse then what the OP's OH did.

The OP clearly has abandonment issues due to her birth mother abandoning her, she has stated that she needs to be wanted. This is just stupidity, how much more do you think the man you married wants you.

It sound to me like the OP suffers from depression, everything she says points to it. OP no offence but you mentioned that you were on medication, is this SSRI's? And if so how long have you been on them. They take months to work properly.

I think the OP needs to consider going to counseling, because her deluded paranoia will become a problem.

I don't think your husband doesn't love you, but I think you are seriously overreacting to everything he does, you guys decide to give it a second chance and you are willing to end it because you had to make a cup of tea.

This overreacting is going to put a massive divide in your relationship. If I were you I would talk to you husband and explain to him that you might need some counseling and that he you need his help to get over some issues that have scared you. Tell him that your emotional need for attention is down to abandonment issues.

I know that everyone on this forum is saying, oh your right etc. but you need to hear this side of things. Maybe you are the one with the problem, when you and you husband decided to give it another go, what did you do to make it work? You texted some bloke you thought fancied you to get a thrill because you didn't like the company of your husbands friends.

mags16

kjl wrote: »

well now hold up, I can appreciate that the OP is upset here, but what exactly did her OH do that was so bad.

I don't think you properly read the OP's first post. Her OH is a paid up member of that website, he has been in sex chat rooms, a mysterious belt was found in the spare room, he has been emailing women that he has met on the internet and engaging in "sex chat" with them.

If it quacks like a duck.........

It's easy for us to say leave the b.....rd but only she can decide if she can forgive him and trust him again.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here..

KJL your post has kinda shocked me tbh. I don't expect you to know anything about my marriage but i'm a little taken aback. Yes I suffer from despression. Yes it's taken it's toll on our relationship. Yes I'm on medication and it's effects have kicked in already. Was it a necessary part of my life - yes! I haven't asked for advice about my depression. I haven't been depressed since I started the tablets. I've recently been to my GP for my check up and she said I'm thinking rationally and she knows all the problems we've had too.

Just because I'm adopted doesn't mean I suffer with abandonment issues. It's a very sweeping statement to make. The point I made was I didn't want to start feeling the way I had when my birthmum disowned me after she got to know me as an adult. I'm scared I'll go down that path again of being down. I've no doubt in my mind that my husband has treated me unfairly.

I find it unbelievable you think it's ok for him to register to chat to ppl he finds hot, about sex, and random filthy stuff at that, he kept it a secret, has registered to two other sites that are dating websites (that i know of) also caught him chatting to a girl on yahoo one night and acted very suspiscously because he's never had yahoo messenger before.

Anyway i'm not going into it all again here i haven't the energy. He's home tonight to tell me he's spoken to a solicitor to find out his options. I thought he was going home to get advice from his parents who'd want us to stay together. It's like the ball's in his court the whole time.

he needs to spend more time with me, we need to do more as a couple and he's not willing. I thought he'd come home saying ok let's try again and we'll do x y or z but instead it's this. He wants an answer about if we split, will I want the apartment? Can I afford to buy him out? All of this. I don't even know what to say. Just said I was going to this shops and left for 2 hours. Head's all over the place.

kjl

OK, well I in no way wanted to offend, but don't take for granted what I said, he has not had any physical relationship with anyone, granted the internet is a new and the "rules" have not been put in place.

I would say put this down to a case of your husband having urges, perhaps its a little worse then porn, but I don't think he ever had any urge to betray you.

The other this is that sometimes when people start taking SSRI's they start to look at there life and assume factors of it are the cause as to why they were depressed, without realizing that it was a chemical imbalance that caused it.

Anyway, I supose what I'm saying is are you really going to end a marriage over you husband not physically cheating on you with anyone.

If Im way off the mark fair enough, but I was right in some way.

Peggypeg

Hey OP, I feel so sorry for you, I wish I could give you a hug. What you're going through is very very hard. I think you can see that your marraige is over, I have to tell you though that it sounds to me like you've had a lucky escape. Your husband sounds really nasty and very uncaring towards you. I really do think that you'll be better off without him. What you need to do now is concentrate on picking yourself back up. You need to get some legal advice and then concentrate on getting out of this marraige in one piece. I really would get some councelling if I were you, getting a divorce is very stressful and getting some support from councelling will really help. Let us know how you're getting on.

BIG BIG Hugs to you.

CDfm

Its a bit odd him looking up dating sites and you OP on hotornot.

Hotornot is a dating site

http://www.hotornot.com/meet/?sex=f&or=s&minage=18&maxage=65&loc=Dublin%2C+07%2C+Ireland

Its like neither of you is being respectful to the other.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, up to this point i always felt like he didn't want me. Like the problems are we've drifted apart. But it's down to him. I've tried to include him so much in everyting but he says he doesn't want to come or do something or whatever. tonight he said he loves me but doesnt know if it's enough. i just feel heartbroken. he said he doesn't enjoy my company and wants to give it a few weeks to see if his feeligns change. I just feel like i'm being made a fool of. he says he can't help how he feels. but he hasn't wanted things to change for the past year. I've tried everything. He's going away for 3 weeks in a week and a half on his own and i just can't imagine how things are supposed to get better. Am i kidding myself here? I love him so much but my heart is breaking. I can't sleep i'm just in bits

CDfm

but are you going to delete your hotornot account.

LegacyUser

It's already deleted I haven't used hotornot in about 6 months and only used it for a rating as it was just a laugh. Anyway do u really think i'm this cut up and online carrying on?

Silverfish

CDfm wrote: »

Its a bit odd him looking up dating sites and you OP on hotornot.

Hotornot is a dating site

http://www.hotornot.com/meet/?sex=f&or=s&minage=18&maxage=65&loc=Dublin%2C+07%2C+Ireland

Its like neither of you is being respectful to the other.

The OP has clarified that to access the dating site part of hotornot, a fee is required.
The OP also clarified that she did not pay the fee, but her husband has.

I fail to see how this is helpful?

CDfm

Well OP I can't understand why you had your profile on the site.As an explanation it does not sound plausable. Common sense should tell you that.

Hotornot is a dating site and if the OP posted her profile thats what it looks like.

I just think the OP should accept her role in the mess if she wants to salvage the relationship.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

The OP has clarified that to access the dating site part of hotornot, a fee is required.
The OP also clarified that she did not pay the fee, but her husband has.

I fail to see how this is helpful?

Thanks Silverfish I never once denied my responsibility - as much as I appreciate advice, I don't think CDfm read my thread properly. I have tried my level best. I only posted my pic to have a laugh with the hubby. He was the one that brought it up. Anyway I shouldn't have to defend myself. CDfm I normally appreciate your advice but don't think you fully understand where i'm coming from.

My problem is that I've tried everything. I have done so so much you have no idea. But I get nothing in return. For all the hassle and aggro this has caused my other half just doesn't seem to want to make it work. Feel like i'm getting nowhere here anymore just making myself feel worse.

CDfm

OP - sorry if you think I am being overly harsh but it seems like you are over justifying it. So its what being on hotornot represented to him.Pot and kettle here.Im just saying how I would feel if my girlfriend was up there.

Nobody wants guys looking up their partner on the net. Its flattering but you don't need it. I am sure you feel the same about his dating site activities.

My feeling is that if you want the relationship you need to fight for it and that if he is going away make sure that you hook up- if thats what you want.

You really do seem nice and everyone does stuff thats stupid in life. Arguing over who was the most wrong or has the best excuse seems a bit much and I would expect you to be saying "I love the guy and want to make this work".

Edit - when I posted I meant it. Its not about scoring points. You should not beat yourself up over it either but behave as you intend to continue in a forgive and forget mode. I hope it works out for you and yes if you want to see him when he is away say it.

kjl

OP I know you say you are on meds now, but what kind of state have you been in for the last year? Its very easy to not have a common interests with someone who is depressed. Did you not also say in another post that you went out with his friends recently and spend the night texting some guy in your work. Did you make an effort there? How do you think he picked up on that?

CDfm made that point that you too had a profile on hotornot, I think the point he is trying to make is that its double standards. You are willing to end your marriage because of this but you did the exact same thing. You can submit a picture to hotornot without signing up for the meet me process, why did you sign up for that?

From every post you made its seems like your in a real state, its like your in a court case and are trying to prove that your husband is betraying you, when he isn't. You are taking isolated incidences and magnifying them to put your husband in a bad light.

I feel sorry for your pain, but you need to decided if this marriage is worth fighting for.

Silverfish

kjl wrote: »

CDfm made that point that you too had a profile on hotornot, I think the point he is trying to make is that its double standards. You are willing to end your marriage because of this but you did the exact same thing. You can submit a picture to hotornot without signing up for the meet me process, why did you sign up for that.

Seriously, this was dealt with. She didn't.
Before this thread is dragged off topic, please see previous posts that will explain this to you. She was not signed up to the dating site part. HE was.
This still does nothing to explain the OTHER dating sites he signed up to - a married man?

I wonder also how much the OP's husbands behaviour contributed to her depression, rather than the other way around.

LegacyUser

Ok ok, off topic?

Firstly, it's a little hard to read responses claiming this is my fault but I know I have turned myself inside out to make it work with little or no effort from him.

With all due respect KJL, please go onto hotornot and look up star membership. Read my posts, this is what he PAID for. It beggars belief why a married man would bring this site up, ask me what I think, I have no problem with his PIC being rated or anyones. My pic says this is a competition so be kind. His says "i'm outgoing, love to listen bla bla" I thought nothing of it. Then hes sending full blown emails (Again read the site rules) to any member he thinks is hot. He showed me msg where he was tlaking about sexual positions and the sort with a random girl. Said he was winding her up. I told him I wasn't comfortable and didn't want that to be happening. Then I discover, he took blatant disregard to my feelings and signed up anyway - bought a new lap top, wouldn't allow me use it, got overly defensive about browsing history.

I've tried my hardest to come with him to his hobbies, i'm told I'm not wanted. I clean cook and iron, all taken for granted. The point about a cup of tea was he never thinks of me. Thinks of treating me. He's become complacent. He's been on call girl sites and I found a woman's belt in my spare room.

You claim I'm defending myself like in court room, and it must be hard for me coz i'm in a state. I'm in state because this man is treating me like muck, and turning me inside out to change my behaviour and make it work. I'm coming across defensive because you're not reading my posts properly.

There is no one more prepared to accept responsibility than me. In fact I have done. I feel very guilty for the depression and how he must've felt. I've seen counsellors... tried not to lean on him too much. You've seriously no idea. I appreciate ur making points about me needing to act like i want it to work... but there's only so many times I can put myself out there when my husband is carrying on behind my back, contacting solicitors, telling me he loves me but it's not enough, not making any time for me, telling me he's no interest in me, spends all night in a different room while I go in twice three times to see if he's ok.

It's not an ideal marriage in my eyes, and I CAN'T DO ANYMORE!!!

Silverfish

Ok OP, I think you need to take a couple of days to yourself.

Can you go stay somewhere?

Just take a few days to sit down and think about what you want, and what you need.

You aren't happy in the current situation. He refuses counselling, and to listen to any of your concerns. Thats a bad sign - regardless of all the other bad signs.

This isn't about whether his behaviour is 'normal' or 'socially acceptable' - it's about whether its acceptable for you.

ellie1

op,

I think you know in your heart the marriage is over. You have done your best to save it and thats all anyone can do. Now you need to concentrate on saving yourself from this mess.

Its not your fault.Your husband opted out of the marriage when he paid for on line dating sites. That guy you said you texted was a small mistake on your part as you were lacking in affection and attension. Your husband has used this to hold over you and as an excuse to treat you appallingly by not including you in his life and chatting up other women. He has been seeing himself out of this marriage for a long time.

Now you start looking after number 1 one. Get legal advice. eat well. exercise. Distract yourself in any way possible (with exception of drugs and alcohal. ) Some relationships are worth fighting for and some are not. But relationships which are having a bad effect on your health are clearly not worth saving.

CDfm

Silverfish wrote: »

Ok OP, I think you need to take a couple of days to yourself.

Can you go stay somewhere?

Thats a great idea.Sometimes you need to cut yourself some slack and even spoil yourself.

LegacyUser

i'm running out of usernames
Seriously guys thank you so much for your advice. I think tonight I've finally realised that i've reached my limit. I don't deserve this. I also want to keep my apartment and I think it's been stressing me out. I appreciate all your advice... even the ones that kinda annoyed me i'm only human. It's always taken a lot to really p1ss me off in fairness. but yes i think i'm done fighting. hubby is off in week on hols to the other side of the world and i'm using this time to save, budget, get my head together, i'm dieting and exercising for a wedding next week anyway and actually found i enjoy swimming. I know i'm angry right now but it's the right thing to do. hubby said tonight he keeps bringing it up coz he thinks a decision should be made. So i made it for him. Said ok so we'll break up that's fine but that's it - decision made. i'm just a little sad that my marriage is over. It's a huge deal right?

Think i was afraid i'll sink back into the dumps which i'd hate. But thank you all so so much.

Silverfish

Hi OP, you should be able to use the same username every time?

It is indeed a huge deal. I'm horrified that he puts you through all that stuff, spends no 'couple' time with you, goes on holidays by himself, refuses to attend counselling with you - then pushes you to make a decision?
You gave him chances to help you fix your marriage, and he refused.

It certainly does sound like he's a bit of an emotional bully, but he certainly seems to have no respect for you or your marriage.

I would take the next few weeks to focus on you, excercise, and look after yourself.

Perhaps when he comes back from holidays, you may both be viewing things differently and perhaps see a fix for this?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

yes it is a big deal but honestly what he is torturing you through is a bigger deal! I saw something once that said you teach people how to treat you. Now this sounds harsh but its not meant to be. It is basically if you put up with "X" then that is what you will get!...........I would never, ever put up with some of the things you have described, that is not because i am super confident or anything but just that i have beliefs and standards that are very strong in the way I and my loved ones deserve to be treated.
I think you have to rescue yourself from this situation. If i were you I would not be letting him come back from his holiday and having any control over this situation......you take the control!
I hope you sort something out!

LegacyUser

Thanks sketches
Silverfish - i'm a registered user just going unreg for this. The reason why I've stuck in it, is because I married him. Yes I was probably a little niaive but i didn't want things to end. If it was only a relationship it'd be different. I hate the idea of being separated so young. But thanks sketches your post makes complete sense to me!!! definitely shouldn't put up with X - as it's been proven in my situation

worriedman

ueiqoi wrote: »

Thanks sketches
Silverfish - i'm a registered user just going unreg for this. The reason why I've stuck in it, is because I married him. Yes I was probably a little niaive but i didn't want things to end. If it was only a relationship it'd be different. I hate the idea of being separated so young. But thanks sketches your post makes complete sense to me!!! definitely shouldn't put up with X - as it's been proven in my situation

Dont look on that as a negative, the fact that you are young will help to get this past if you have a final seperation. Time will heal ,you will find someone else and find this a lesson in life that you can grow from and be stronger going forward.

As was mentioned earlier in the thread, you dont see it now, but you will in time.

I wish you well.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP here
So we are getting a separation and I've been thinking about it for the last 7 days now. I'm actually happy about it. I was waiting for it to "hit me" but I think I realise all the work I've put in and because I can't do anymore, I feel satisfied to walk away knowing I've tried my best.

When hubby goes away next friday I'm going to get some financial advice and see whats the best thing to do about the apartment. I work in a financial institution and my boss told me she thinks I'd be mad to keep the apartment as it's decreased in value by about 80/90K

I've spoken to the bank and it's unlikely I'll get approved for the mortgage on my own anyway but he doesn't earn much more than me so we may have to sell it.

Hubby is telling his parents and mine that this was my decision - my parents already knew the truth but I phoned his to explain what had happened. But right now, I'm just done with it all. I want to get on with my life.

So, apart from giving you an update on everything, I was thinking about my options I've no savings so thats the first thing, secondly I think I'll qualify for afford able housing once I have a legal separation. If i can walk away from the apartment, ie give hubby the mortgage, am I entitled to take any of our wedidng presents, glass ware, gorgeous waterford crystal, some furniture? Or no?

CDfm

OP - he has to agree to your plans that he takes on 80/90k of debt - what are the chances of that happening?

LegacyUser

Yes he said he would buy me out or vice versa