Not getting over her

LegacyUser

my ex girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and we kept contact for 3 months but i couldn't take anymore and stopped contact. she continued to ring me for about a month but i ignored the calls. i have been feeling more 'normal' over the last few weeks but i still feel so much love for her and miss her so much.

i really thought after 3 months of no contact that I would feel better than this but i'm still longing for her and wish i could see her again and hold her and kiss her. i've been going out and doing new things etc but i still feel that down the road we may hook up again. i could be fooling myself.

i think i'm just venting here but i can't imagine not thinking about her all day everyday for ages to come. i'm still completely in love with her and eventhough i'm getting on with things each day, i'm not really 'moving on' as people say.

any advice pls.

kjl

goagl - go out a get laid,

the best way to get over an ex it to start dating again

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

goagl - go out a get laid,

the best way to get over an ex it to start dating again

this does work - my ex broke up with me - i felt absolute crap, thought id never get over it.went on for a few months of me feeling crap! i met a guy i fancied the pants off, s****ed him and thought to myself - hey my ex was not so great at all! So dont waste months like me - get out there and take ur mind off things

Katgurl

sorry to hear you're feeling like this OP, break-ups can be truly ****.

how long were you with your ex? why did you break up? how old are you both? have you dated / been involved with anyone since.

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry OP. If its any consolation I'm going through something similar It's been four months and there is not one day I dont think of my ex.

Was the break up amicable? I feel if she was contacting you for a month she must harbour some feelings for you. Is it possible that both of you are feeling this way and are just afraid of expressing it?

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

sorry to hear you're feeling like this OP, break-ups can be truly ****.

how long were you with your ex? why did you break up? how old are you both? have you dated / been involved with anyone since.

i was with her for 3 years and we're both late 20's. i only kissed a girl about 2 months ago but i don't know if i could sleep with someone else. 5 mins after the kiss i was so sad thinking of my ex. we had an amazing sex life and we really connected.

unregistered wrote: »

I'm so sorry OP. If its any consolation I'm going through something similar It's been four months and there is not one day I dont think of my ex.

Was the break up amicable? I feel if she was contacting you for a month she must harbour some feelings for you. Is it possible that both of you are feeling this way and are just afraid of expressing it?

the breakup always killed me but we both defo still wanted to see each other afterwards. she initiated all of the contact for the 3 months post breakup and even wanted me to get a job beside her. she was ringing and texting me every few days, sometimes a few times a day. we went to the cinema and all that but i was dying to get back with her. she said she didn't feel the same and thats why she left me but then it turned out that something else was going on that i didn't know about (not another guy, can't go into detail). i'm sure she must be missing me too cos she told me she always wanted to stay in touch with me and would be there always. i'm being strong and not contacting her but at this stage if she contacted me i'd hop on the mobile. i'd be delighted.

LegacyUser

the breakup always killed me but we both defo still wanted to see each other afterwards. she initiated all of the contact for the 3 months post breakup and even wanted me to get a job beside her. she was ringing and texting me every few days, sometimes a few times a day. we went to the cinema and all that but i was dying to get back with her. she said she didn't feel the same and thats why she left me but then it turned out that something else was going on that i didn't know about (not another guy, can't go into detail). i'm sure she must be missing me too cos she told me she always wanted to stay in touch with me and would be there always. i'm being strong and not contacting her but at this stage if she contacted me i'd hop on the mobile. i'd be delighted.

I really empathise with you but remain strong. She obviously does miss you but after going out with anyone for any long period of time, you become attached to that person and to cut that person out of your life entirely is very hard. She wants you in her life but as a friend which is obviously not what you want. You obviously still have strong feelings for you ex but to reopen communication might result in you going back to stage one and cause you even more pain.

LegacyUser

Break ups when there's love still there are always hard. I've been there before, took me nearly 6 months to get over my last girlfriend.

The best thing you could have done would have been to cut off all contact, remove her from facebook skype etc. Photos? Up to you whether to keep them or not.
Then slowly get back into the scene of meeting new people, I'd recommend joining a club.

You will forget with time, but don't try to rush things.

Good Luck OP.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice.

i'm just taking each day as it comes. at this stage even if i did contact her i'm not sure i'd know what to say. but its like a part of me is refusing to move on and forget her. i'm getting through each day because time is going by anyway and i have to follow and i am doing new things but its so f*ckin hard. i feel like theres something still there between us but i don't know for sure of course.

opinion guy

kjl wrote: »

goagl - go out a get laid,

the best way to get over an ex it to start dating again

Awful advice. This is the best way to confuse and mess yourself up even more

still.love.her wrote: »

she said she didn't feel the same and thats why she left me but then it turned out that something else was going on that i didn't know about (not another guy, can't go into detail). i'm sure she must be missing me too cos she told me she always wanted to stay in touch with me and would be there always. i'm being strong and not contacting her but at this stage if she contacted me i'd hop on the mobile. i'd be delighted.

ok without knowing what was 'going on' its tough to answer. But, if it was tough personal stuff, then i would think - hell contact her. maybe she got through it and would be delighted to hear from you. she might be pissed you were ignoring your calls thou. but only one way to find out. since you are clearly not moving on yourself you might as well contact her and see how she is doing. no ? touch in with her see where things lie between ye. you can always break contact later if things don't improve.

Wibbs

I can see opinion guy's point re contact, but IMHO I wouldn't. Yes you're still feeling it 3 months in, but I think if you contact her now, it'll negate a lot of that 3 months and take you back to square one. As for her, well yes she may well want to keep you as a friend, but at this point in your healing she doesn't get that right. She left you. She made that choice and that's cool. It was her choice to make, but she can't then expect for you to accept that overnight and move onto friendship. Not when you want more. In that case friendship is a major downgrade from lover. Personally I don't do downgrades. I did in the past, but I think we all do at some stage. It did me no good and it'll do you no good either I reckon.

opinion guy

Whilst as usual I see great sense in Wibbs post. I'm getting the feeling from OP that there's a little more to the story than he's telling us - in terms of whatever was going on with his ex - whatever she was going through. I guess what it comes down to -and its a tough question to answer, does OP think she split with him because she really didn't have feelings anymore, OR does he think she split with him because there was stuff going on with her she was having a hard time dealing with ? Because if its the former then not contacting her seems smart, if the latter then i would think definitely contact her.


As regards OP being 3 months into his healing. THats just it - i don't think he has been healing, so by contacting her i don't think he's loosing out in that sense. For sure it might upset him, might upset her, or both. But then he may learn something to. Its a tough one to call i tihnk

Colonel_McCoy

dont make anymore contact, wibbs is right, you have gone 3 months now with no contact and in time it will get easier for you.

Put yourself out there and you will meet somebody better

useful_contacts

still.love.her wrote: »

my ex girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and we kept contact for 3 months but i couldn't take anymore and stopped contact. she continued to ring me for about a month but i ignored the calls. i have been feeling more 'normal' over the last few weeks but i still feel so much love for her and miss her so much.

i really thought after 3 months of no contact that I would feel better than this but i'm still longing for her and wish i could see her again and hold her and kiss her. i've been going out and doing new things etc but i still feel that down the road we may hook up again. i could be fooling myself.

i think i'm just venting here but i can't imagine not thinking about her all day everyday for ages to come. i'm still completely in love with her and eventhough i'm getting on with things each day, i'm not really 'moving on' as people say.

any advice pls.

one thing i noticed during break ups is when you move on half the time you dont reliase it.

Before when i had broken up with a guy who i loved i was down for a while. then even though i still loved him i got on with my life. Then one day i reliased i had not though about him in about a month, when he is all that had been in my head previously. Its a great feeling.

Have you told this girl you dont want to talk to her anymore? If so then shes just pestering you. If you have to tell a little white lie too- say your new gf doesnt want you talking to her or something

opinion guy

I still say the devil is in the details with this one.

If the stuff she was going thru was that she broke a nail - then never speak to her again. If however she was dealing with an abuse issue or something then her behaviour is to be interpreted entirely differently. OP hasn't told us what she was dealing with and given that I think we need to not make too many assumptions

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

does OP think she split with him because she really didn't have feelings anymore, OR does he think she split with him because there was stuff going on with her she was having a hard time dealing with ? Because if its the former then not contacting her seems smart, if the latter then i would think definitely contact her.

Thanks so much guys for all the help. It means a lot.

I do think that she left me because of the other reason. Basically without giving too much away, she had a small addiction to something and she was having a very hard time dealing with it and instead of looking to me for my support (i don't think i would have been too happy about the problem) she ran back home to mammy and didn't disclose the issue to me until about a month after the split.

I am still so so p-ed off that she left me out of the blue of course as it hurt like a bitch but I really thought I'd feel less love by now but I still think of her constantly. I do hear what Wibbs is saying about when someone leaves, good riddance to them. Its that kind of thought that has kept me away for 3 months. But i do think she left because she was struggling with the other issue as she was in touch so much after the breakup and still seemed 'into me'.......she still looked at me that way......like she did when we were a couple.

I don't know what to do. My heart is longing to see her again but my head is saying forget her, she left so good luck to her and she can live with the loss as she knew that I was so in love with her and fancied her like mad. I am afraid of negating the 3 months like Wibbs said too.

I've been thinking of letting another few weeks go by to see if (a) she contacts me or (b) if my love for her lessens. I'm terrified of contacting her though. I'd be in bits at the thoughts of seeing her face again. My heart.

opinion guy

Ok so thanks for the extra info.

So there's a couple of things to consider here.

First thing - yes maybe she should have told you about the issue. But as you are saying yourself - "i don't think i would have been too happy about the problem". So maybe her logic for splitting was smart from her point of view to deal with the problem. I agree with you in principle she should have come to you for help. But maybe in practicality she thought dealing with your distress over the issue would have made it even harder for her to deal with things. Is that fairly logical ? I'm not trying to excuse it, I'm just trying to help you see another viewpoint.

Second thing. I know you are hurt. No disputing that ok. But again to try and give you another perspective. Maybe she split with you to sort out her problem as said above. But maybe she still felt for you and hence the continued warm feelings etc. Maybe she was just taking time to continue sorting things out. Its possible she hadn't made a definite decision about you in the long term. One thing that seems evident is that she was going thru alot - maybe her emotional circuits were just fried.

Third thing. If all the above were accurate, ok you could view this that you abandoned her in her time of need. Now before you flip wait. I'm not saying that you did do that - I'm trying to give you a different perspective. I know she didn't communicate things to you properly and you are right to protect yourself the way you have. Ask yourself thou how much your own hurt/anger has coloured your take on things. She split from you it seems to deal with something, but she stayed in touch and valued your company whilst presumably still dealing with it. And during this time you cut her off. This being said - she did break up with you rather than turn to you and thats her fault not yours. i'm just trying to put myself in her possible position. did you tell her you weren't going to answer her, did not want contact or did you cut her off ?

Finally. some time has passed. maybe she has had time to sort her issue. Maybe she has had time to miss you and reflect on how she handled things. She no doubt knows she hurt you. You've also had some time to process and as you are telling us you still love her. Personally, what i believe is that if you love someone, i mean really love them, you don't ever give up on them even if it means you get hurt - you might want to, you might try but I don't think it ever quite works (unless you become someone very different).

So what I think is this. Weigh things up yourself. By all means wait a while longer if you want to. Be mindful of your own hurt and anger and whether it has influenced your perspective and attitude to her. Have a little think and reflection about the reasons she didn't come to you with her problem in the first place and if you need to adjust your attitude towards the problem and if you were to get back with her could you support her with it. (If everything else I'm saying is bull, I can tell you this with certainty - people never forget the people who are there for them at times of crisis, and they never forget those that aren't)

If you feel you will get over it then yes let it go as others are advising you. But if you feel you are not moving on and it is something you will carry with you, then I would think contact her, see how she's doing and talk things out. I would think it would be a time for being quite open and honest about things. If talking to her in person seems too risk-fraught then maybe write to her.

thats what I think. I realise I'm contradicting most everyone else so weigh what I'm saying up against all that. There's an awful lot of ifs and buts and maybe's involved here. I'm just trying to give you another perspective since I get the feeling like its not as straightforward as most repsonders are assuming it to be. You'll have to make your own decision but hopefully we've helped a bit. Good luck!

Wibbs

Good points above it has to be said. Maybe take the risk to set your head right one way or the other. If she's not gone off with someone new then you never know. Better to really know where the land lies.

LegacyUser

Opinion guy I can't thank you enough for that response. Its fantastic and its given me lots to think about. I'm very open minded and happy to see things from anyones perspective so everything you said was totally fine to say.

Re the contact, i literally ignored her when she contacted me. i didn't have the balls to say 'don't contact me again' as it made me feel that she still cared when i got a text or call from her. Its not ego, its just because I feel so much and it felt good that she felt even something for me.

I do feel that she probably thought that she couldn't possibly tell me about the issue and I'm very aware of that and how she must have felt so I do appreciate your comments on that. And I would say that her head was all over the place. In retrospect, her behaviour in the months before the split was distant so her mind was obviously seriously occupied.

I have been very angry towards her in the last few months but my mind has settled a good bit now and I'd deal with situations much better this time round. Its a crazy thing to say but the breakup did me some good. I took a good hard look at myself and where I went wrong in the relationship and its definitely made me a better person.

I'm definitely not moving on, its like my heart refuses to, so I have it in my mind that contact will happen over the coming weeks. i'm gonna read your post a few more times. Its a really good one. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

ok so i texted her over the w-end and she replied immediately and we had a few texts back and forth saying hows it going and telling each other some things that we've been up to in the last few months. it was great catching up. i didn't want to push it so i said i had to go out and said take care. I was dying to say keep in touch but i was nervous i guess.

so now what??? i'm hoping she'll contact me in a few days maybe. i really don't want to force anything. i think its probably better to take things easy, do you think? like things are totally easy going and i'm not a bag of nerves thinking of her constantly? (i'm looking at you opinion guy)

opinion guy

Hey just saw this.

Well first thing is its good she conversed eh?. Channels are open so to speak. I think not wanting to force anything and let her come to you is a good idea. But hmm at some point you might have to be more proactive too. There's a tricky little balance to be played between leaving space and making an effort. Be mindful that this is dangerous territory in the sense that you don't know what her mindset is now (which also means none of us can really advise you). She might purely see you as a friend now. But this is kind of the risk you run really isn't it ?

So sure leave it a little while see if you hear from her. She no doubt has her own processing of your latest contact to do. If you don't hear from her in a while then are you prepared to make effort again ? One thing I do think, speaking from bitter experience, all those million things going thru your head about it all - let it go, chillax. Enjoy the moments with her and let her do that too. But also. you've reflected on things alot, and adjusted some attitudes etc etc. let that show. DON'T wave it in her face and say I"M DIFFERENT NOW BE WITH ME. You know what talk is cheap. Just BE that new person....in a chillaxed way and let her see it.


Hmm thats all I can think of right now -its late. maybe other people have smarter things to say ?

o and banish that nervousness!!!

Wibbs

Good advice from opinion guy, especially the bit about showing changes not talking about them. Personally I would be of the opinion that letting her make the contact next is the better bet. Not as a game play thing, more to judge her interest. be careful too that the contact for her is not of the "ah grand now we're mates, so I'll contact him from time to time to catch up".

Alz®

OP i hear ye -

I broke up with my ex almost 5 months ago and chat from time to time via msn and txt's...

Im still mad about her, i met someone a month ago and last 3 weeks and had to come clean and tell her i wasnt ready for commitment etc..

I was only with my ex 4 1/2 months prior the break up but we clicked straight away was staying in her house 3/4 days a week, she fell for me before i fell for her then things started to go pair shaped with her stressing over exams and her nanny died 2 weeks after we met it all kinda went messy and i still feel strongly for her..

Last time we spoke on msn about 2 weeks ago i told her how i felt and she said "we broke up a while now" and "why was i telling her this now" and we aint spoke since, quite hard to deal with, like OP my heart wont move on as much as my mind wants to...

I guess giving the opportunity i would take her back tomorrow because we got on really well apart from her having a few freak attacks at silly things and appologising after etc...

Anyway i wont ramble on anymore just found OP's thread similar to my own life the last few months...

LegacyUser

thank you again opinion guy. i'm more 'chillaxed' now. Its incredible that i've been grand (well still found it tough) for 3 months of no contact and now I'm kind of anxious and wrecking my own head. I think I probably will contact her again if she doesn't contact me again say within a week because after all I totally blanked her for 3 months and I can't expect her to be back buddies again after just one texting session with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to make an idiot of myself but knowing the kind of person she is she wouldn't be thinking all sorts just because I've texted her on a couple of occasions. But i do hear what Wibbs and sunflower are saying too. the last thing i want is to make a fool of myself or for her to slip back into ' ah grand we're mates again, so the odd texting to check in is cool'. Thats what fecked me up before and made me go AWOL.

I'll just see what happens. I'm just nervous to put my heart out there again.

Hey Alz i know its tough but you might be able to get a handle on things a bit quicker than me but it takes as long as it takes man so take care anyway.

Alz®

Cheers buddy

hope you work your own stuff out regardless of the outcome...

LegacyUser

she still hasn't contacted me and i'm missing her so much everyday. I can't believe I was doing fine for 3 months and now i'm in bits. i'd love to see her but i don't think i can contact her again if shes not interested and hasn't even contacted me.

I think i've left it too long. I needed the 3 months to heal a bit and get my head together and shes probably completely moved on. I'm wondering if thats what has happened. She rang me everyday the week before i stopped contact so she was a bit more interested then I think.

I was thinking of telling her I miss her but thats really dumb yeah?
that would be a bad move wouldn't it?
I just feel stuck right now. I feel like I'll never move on.

Wibbs

still.love.her wrote: »

she still hasn't contacted me and i'm missing her so much everyday. I can't believe I was doing fine for 3 months and now i'm in bits.

Which should tell you(and anyone going through similar) is that not having contact until you're over her is the best bet and even one slip can damn near bring you back to square one.

i'd love to see her but i don't think i can contact her again if shes not interested and hasn't even contacted me.

I work on the principle that if she's interested she'll make it her business to contact you. For some reason people are psychic or something, because that usually happens about 5 seconds after you're over them:)

I think i've left it too long. I needed the 3 months to heal a bit and get my head together and shes probably completely moved on. I'm wondering if thats what has happened. She rang me everyday the week before i stopped contact so she was a bit more interested then I think.

Possibly, but equally possibly not. Although my example is different(worse actually) as there was another person involved, but just to give you an idea of what can happen as an extreme..... I had a longtermer ex that decided she wasn't feeling it enough and fair play she had her reasons, both very valid and some not so valid.

Cool, but to make her point she decided to cheat on me with another bloke in a very callous way. Then gave me the BS of I'm Confused tm, decided to go out with the guy she cheated on me with, all the while stringing me along, trying to meet me at least weekly, calling all the time, texting daily, "I miss you"s all the time, hugging even kissing me for the guts of 18 months. Oh yes. Now I was as dumb as a stick and equally(if not moreso) to blame as I went along with it for the most part, but she ran a similar spiel to what you're getting. She was winding me up emotionally and keeping me in play and the poor equally dumb sucker she was with by cheating with me emotionally. Why? Because she was emotionally selfish and self centred and this came out in her actions. Like you now, at the time I didn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I loved her warts and all. I was holding on to some daft hope(which was equally selfish of me BTW). And for what? Someone who would claim to love me one minute and skip off with another the next? And do similar to him? Someone that disloyal? Someone that could play with peoples emotions like that? Dumb on my part.

As I said that was an extreme example, but I can think of others. A woman mate of mine who had a longtermer leave her to sow his wild oats, yet kept her in play sexually and emotionally for 5 years. Yep 5 years with a string of BS. Again she was equally at fault.

I can think of countless men and women I've known that have had toxic relationships with exes. The exes wanted something, friendship/emotional support/backup sex etc and played people like a violin to get what they wanted. In each case both were at fault as the dumped ones held on to hope and love longer than they should have. Both had no insight into the reality of the situation.

Either could have stopped it but IMHO the dumped ones should have been the people to do so. They were the ones who weren't getting what they wanted and were the ones stuck in the past.

Short answer and what I was through my ramblings trying to make a point about? Contact means nada. It's the type of contact and actions that means something. The lines of communication could be the best ever, but if they're BSing you, it just means the BS is coming through crystal clear. Dont rely on the fact shes in contact.

I was thinking of telling her I miss her but thats really dumb yeah?
that would be a bad move wouldn't it?
I just feel stuck right now. I feel like I'll never move on.

Yep you're stuck, because you're stuck in the past. A past that no longer matters. Even if you ended up back together in a years time. That would have to be a new start. IMHO that won't happen if you keep repeating your mistakes.

Look to her actions, not her words. Has she said she would like to try again? Nope. Has she shown you she'd like to start again? Nope. "I miss you" doesn't cut it if you want more. If she missed you enough she would make the effort. If she's too emotionally scared or lazy to make that effort or just wants to keep you as a friend, then that's no basis for a future together. Now with time and when you're over her you may like to have her as a friend and that's cool, but you will have to be completely over her or rinse and repeat. If however she does make the effort to contact you and wants to work on something that you both want then fine.

opinion guy

Hey OP.

Sorry you've been having a hard time of it.

Ok so here is what I think. Wibbs gives good advise, but i feel there is one aspect of this that he might not be considering - the fact that your ex was dealing with her addiction problem. And I do think that that might be an important factor. As I said before - she may feel than in her time of need she couldn't turn to you and when you cut contact she may have felt abandoned (even though thats not entirely fair since she dumped you - however fair vs unfair is kinda totally irrelevant - it is what it is).

Bearing this in mind OP, I think there is one of two ways to approach this. And you've have to have a little think about it for yourself.
a) Forget about it, put her from you mind and don't make any more contact as everyone has been saying.

b) Talk to her. And I don't mean coy and subtle. I mean throw all the strategy and inhibition aside, ask her to meet up, tell her you feel bad that she did not feel she could turn to you, that you have thought alot about why she felt that way, that you have spent time dealing with that and matured. Tell her that you realised after you had lost her that she was the most important thing to you. Tell her you still feel that way and would like to try again. THEN - shut up. Let her respond. Its a lot to process.


Now, lets not sugar coat this - plan b - high risk strategy. And you need to have a think about that. You need to ask yourself if she doesn't want to meet, if she doesn't want to get back, if she reacts badly and gives out - pretty much if your worst nightmare came through - would you be ok and be able to handle it.

On the flip side of that - plan a. You need to ask yourself if you take plan a, will you actually really get over it. I mean will you be wondering in 50 years times what might have been, or will you have forgotten a year from now.

For this is really the trade off you are making. You probably already know this yourself internally. And YES plan b is scary.


For what its worth - I took plan b. Went for broke so to speak. It didn't go. I was and am still devastated - so devastated that i know i'll never be the same again.

But the baldfaced truth of it is - I never was gonna be the same again either way. That being the case I chose the high risk route. Because I'd rather be devastated having taken the chance, than be forever carrying around that what if I had told her everything.


But thats for me. that was my choice. I thought it was worth the risk. Ultimately this is about being true to your own feelings more than anything else. So you shouldn't do a or b because one of us tells you. You should do whatever is true to how you really feel about the situation, and whether you think it is worth the risk or not. And importantly whether you think you can take the worst case scenario or not (and for me - what actually happened was WORSE than my imagined worst case scenario)


That, basically is what i think. But I'm scarred and broken so you may not want to listen to me


Aside: I told you I was beyond hope Wibbs

Wibbs

Another angle from opinion guy and a good one to boot. The addiction aspect is something worth considering too.

opinion guy wrote: »

For what its worth - I took plan b. Went for broke so to speak. It didn't go. I was and am still devastated - so devastated that i know i'll never be the same again.

If you'll give me pardon for cutting this part out... I think many people feel this way, especially those that love very strongly. That they'll never be the same again. I wouldn't be so bold as to disagree. Something will have changed in you.

The thing is if you learn from it, deal with it, go through the various hard emotions of it, grow as a person from it then dead right you'll never be the same again. You'll be better.

I truly believe that for 99% of people. I've seen that. More than once. Where it went the other way it was always because the person didn't step back and look, really look at what happened. They also usually didn't give themselves enough time. And time it can take. It could take months for some and years for others. Regardless there will come a day when it and the ex won't even register. Hell when I think back at my "first" love at 18. Jeebus, lovely woman as no doubt she is still, there's no way she would be my type now.:) And oh how I prayed for her to come back and oh gooood how embarrassing I was:o:D. Meh, part of life and I dont regret either her or the aftermath. It did me good.

LegacyUser

still.love.her wrote: »

she still hasn't contacted me and i'm missing her so much everyday. I can't believe I was doing fine for 3 months and now i'm in bits. i'd love to see her but i don't think i can contact her again if shes not interested and hasn't even contacted me.

I think i've left it too long. I needed the 3 months to heal a bit and get my head together and shes probably completely moved on. I'm wondering if thats what has happened. She rang me everyday the week before i stopped contact so she was a bit more interested then I think.

I was thinking of telling her I miss her but thats really dumb yeah?
that would be a bad move wouldn't it?
I just feel stuck right now. I feel like I'll never move on.

Hi OP,

I read your post here and I swear I could have written it, my circumstances and feelings so closely mirror those you describe. Three months, my ex hasn't contacted, she's probably moved on, I'm devastated, can't see us getting back together yet can't seem to let go and mercifully reach the moving on place.

I missed the thrashing it all out bit which I feel might be part of the problem for me. It should have come in the immediate aftermath but the "I've meet someone else" curveball stunned me to the core and I couldn't go back for explanations and whys? I think I could have handled "just" splitting up better than her leaving me for someone else.

I've probably left it too long to have that talk. Contact now would probably throw me back even further. Maybe in another month, two or ten.

Like yourself, I feel stuck, unable to move forward or back.
It feels a bit like AA but it really is one day at a time. Hopefully I'm getting there.
It is a sh*t feeling though and I wish she didn't still have the power to hurt me day after day so long after the initial blow to the solar-plexus.

Good luck OP, I hope you keep it together, man.

opinion guy

How are you doing OP ?

LegacyUser

Hi opinion guy

I've been thinking a lot about what you've said and I've been all over the place tbh.

On one hand I'd love to tell her that I love her and I miss her but i'm terrified that her face will drop and I'll totally fall apart. Eventhough I'm still suffering at least its in private and she knows nothing about it. I have some self respect.

But she did contact me today to say hows things and she wants to pick up something from me. She only wants to pick up a bit of mail that I'd say she doesn't really care about but we're in contact now about how shes gonna get it from me. She could have easily said for me to just post it to her but she didn't so I'll see what happens. Its something that went to the house that we lived in together months ago. I'd love to see her but OH MY GOD I'd be so nervous. I'll keep you posted anyway.

opinion guy

still.love.her wrote: »

Hi opinion guy
I've been thinking a lot about what you've said and I've been all over the place tbh.

Sorry dude. Hope I didn't make things harder for you!

On one hand I'd love to tell her that I love her and I miss her but i'm terrified that her face will drop and I'll totally fall apart. Eventhough I'm still suffering at least its in private and she knows nothing about it. I have some self respect.

Yeah theres a time and a place for these things. But, hmmmm, gotta challenge u a little bit. Why do you think "I'll totally fall apart" ? Hmmm I mean you have fear about that right ? Put words onto that (sometimes I think feelings like this are so overwhelming because we haven't fully understood them just yet). What are you afraid of? How will the world be different if this were to happen ? I mean she feels what she feels, right ? The only difference would be that you would know what she feels. Right now that might seem scary, but I'm proposing to you that maybe its not as catastrophic as you might think.

But she did contact me today to say hows things and she wants to pick up something from me.

Well thats good isn't it ?

She only wants to pick up a bit of mail that I'd say she doesn't really care about but we're in contact now about how shes gonna get it from me. She could have easily said for me to just post it to her but she didn't so I'll see what happens.

OK I see where your thoughts are going here. And i have to say STOPPPPPPP. Warning!!!! Danger Will Robinson!!!!! Reading into the situation like this is bad for you. You do not have all the info. You CANNOT know why she wants to meet in person and so its not good for you to speculate. You may only be setting yourself up for a fall.
But even thou its scary its probably good to meet and get some idea of where each other is at no ?

Its something that went to the house that we lived in together months ago. I'd love to see her but OH MY GOD I'd be so nervous. I'll keep you posted anyway.

Ok glad you are going to keep us posted. I think you are best to consider the worst case scenario and see anything else as a bonus. I hope it works out for you I really do. You can only do your best my friend. And don't let your fear control you. Conquer that fear!! (in my case I let my fear have too much hold over me, which led me to sometimes say things i regretted - don't let this happen to you!!) Whatever happens I hope you can look back and know that you did the best that you could (because really thats the only thing you have control over!) Let the things that have changed in you show thru! (Note I said let and not make!!)

Good luck dude

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

OK I see where your thoughts are going here. And i have to say STOPPPPPPP. Warning!!!! Danger Will Robinson!!!!! Reading into the situation like this is bad for you. You do not have all the info. You CANNOT know why she wants to meet in person and so its not good for you to speculate. You may only be setting yourself up for a fall.
But even thou its scary its probably good to meet and get some idea of where each other is at no ?

i just wanted to do a quick reply on this. I had to laugh when I read it. I'm so bloody predictable. Its just funny that you're picking me up on this !!!!

BUT at the same time, it could have just been 'hey stick that in the post will ye?'.
that would have been quite easy as opposed to all the emails we've had now back and forth.

opinion guy

still.love.her wrote: »

i just wanted to do a quick reply on this. I had to laugh when I read it. I'm so bloody predictable. Its just funny that you're picking me up on this !!!!

hahaha. could be i've been known to do these kinds of thigns myself in the past

BUT at the same time, it could have just been 'hey stick that in the post will ye?'.
that would have been quite easy as opposed to all the emails we've had now back and forth.

Ur doing it again!!!!!! haha :P

seriously thou - i mean i hope u are right and she does want to see you. But my point is we can't know that, so don't let your expectations get carried away with you! See how things play when you see her. And don't let your expectations OR your fear sabotage things. Be open to the possiblities. if things are light and breezy then be light and breezy. if it seems like she wants to talk then talk. but overly expecting one approach or the other will make it harder for you to read the situation and act appropriately. Does that make sense ?

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

Ur doing it again!!!!!! haha :P

seriously thou - i mean i hope u are right and she does want to see you. But my point is we can't know that, so don't let your expectations get carried away with you! See how things play when you see her. And don't let your expectations OR your fear sabotage things. Be open to the possiblities. if things are light and breezy then be light and breezy. if it seems like she wants to talk then talk. but overly expecting one approach or the other will make it harder for you to read the situation and act appropriately. Does that make sense ?

ha ha oh no i'm in trouble again. Honestly I'm not saying this willy nilly. I know her like the back of my hand and I was wondering would she contact me about this item and she did so I'm very pleased. So I'm gonna see her this w-end for the first time in 4 months. I'll be very anxious inside but delighted to see her too. Don't worry I'll be cool. I know I'll be a lot more appealing that way. And I'll be better able to read whats going on now since we split because at least my head is functioning much better now (in spite of everything I've written on this thread).

And the whole fear thing is me still not accepting the breakup as ridiculous as that sounds. I can still have some hope if I can imagine that she still has some feelings for me. I still feel such a strong connection with this person and I can't imagine being with anyone else (but apparently thats very typical talk for someone who has been dumped).

opinion guy

still.love.her wrote: »

.......And the whole fear thing is me still not accepting the breakup as ridiculous as that sounds. I can still have some hope if I can imagine that she still has some feelings for me. I still feel such a strong connection with this person and I can't imagine being with anyone else (but apparently thats very typical talk for someone who has been dumped).

Hope is just as dangerous as fear if not more so. My friend you ARE broken up. Accept that. You feel such a strong connection - but realise thats because you still want to - it may or may not be true to reality. I think you still need to check your hope some more - it will only set you up for a fall. You said it yourself - "I can imagine that she still has some feelings for me". NO NO NO don't imagine that. Put that out of your mind. This thought process is what will make you get hurt - not anything else. At the present time - you are friends, nothing more. For you to imagine she has feelings or not is pure speculation on your part - its in your head not hers! The point is what you think is going on is a product of your own mind and may not relate to reality at all. Just be aware of that.

My friend you need to be ready for the scenario where she wants to meet to tell you she felt really let down or something negative - WITHOUT letting the fear of that control you. And then if things work out better then thats a great bonus.

I'm slighty worried I've given you too much hope for this. You know what its a tricky balance. But even IF the worst happens - you will get through it so long as you don't let your hopes and fears get the better of you.

LegacyUser

well I saw her this w-end. She called to my house and it was lovely to see her again and we had a lovely chat, we were just catching up on stuff. I am longing a bit now for her but I don't feel as cut up as I would have felt before after we saw each other. Obviously I'd love to kiss and hold her but I played it cool and the conversation was light enough. She left after a couple of hours and she lingered a little bit (she did that before and then she'd say 'hug'?) so I just said see ya and turned to walk back inside. So I don't know what to think. I'm thinking I'm probably torturing myself by getting back in touch with her because i do want her so badly.

I do feel like I have come on so much in the few months of no contact. Previously when she talked about going out at the w-ends I was thinking all sorts (other guys kissing her etc) but I was genuinely cool with all that stuff and I was happy for her to go out and enjoy herself. I think we did keep eye contact a few times for an extra few seconds but then again her face went very serious a few times too. Of course I'm over analysing so much in my head right now. So obviously I hope she contacts me again. I wonder what shes thinking now. God knows!!

opinion guy

hey op
saw ur post - thinking upon my reply for now. stop thinknig and interpreting things like lingering!!

LegacyUser

I think you're probably right.

I was in another very long term relationship before this one and I didn't feel anything for that girl in comparsion to how i feel about this girl. Thats how strongly I feel and it doesn't seem to be going away. I know what you're saying and it makes sense but....(of course theres a but)...I'm just gonna see what happens. She means the world to me.

LegacyUser

ok look at me posting here at this ridiculous hour. I'm totally frustrated again. I am driving myself mad again. Its either stop the sh1t now or sit down with her and tell her everything I'm feeling. But the question is will she even want to hear that. She texted me last and I was all happy but then after a few texts shes done then and its kind of abrupt....'ok goodnight'.
Should she even have to sit there and listen to me if we do meet up and 'talk'. I do feel that she got into a relationship with me and it was intense and seriously in love stuff very quickly (we had been friends for years though) and all of her addiction toxic sh1t was going on so really I don't think she should have got into anything with anyone and thats whats killing me now. I put myself out there so much, heart and soul, and now shes just wrapped up in herself again. back being single.

I'm sorry for all this non-sense ( I can just see Wibbs response now, Mr Cut Contact NOW!)

Moomoo1

OP, were there things that you did for her during your relationship that were in some way 'special': the kind of things you gave, the kind of places you went, you know that type of thing. Things that make women react posititely :-)

So maybe just do something special like that for her, and then tell her what you told us? Say you are really missing her and ask her once and for all why she acted the way she did: was it the addiction or did she really not feel it for you any more?

Wibbs

still.love.her wrote: »

I'm sorry for all this non-sense ( I can just see Wibbs response now, Mr Cut Contact NOW!)

Where's the finger wagging smiley...

I dunno, my usual default is as you say cut contact, but every situation is different. Hell there have been rare ones where I didn't cut contact myself:eek: TBH that was a mistake on my part, in all but one situation, hence I'm of the default cut contact opinion now. But looking back, there was one situation where it did help me. Not to get back with her, but to see and understand the situation and her and most importantly me and what the hell was going on. I got -and I hate this word normally- closure.

I think you should sit down with her and get this out and I know what you're hoping will happen. I don't think it will, but I'm wrong all the bloody time. I make quite the habit of it. The reason I'm thinking you may not get what you're hoping for comes from a kinda weird source. Basically cos I went through an emotionally manipulative stage in my romantic life in my 20's. My bad boy stage. I got every ex that dumped my sorry arse to come back. The longish term ones anyway. And I never got them back with talking or logical discussion or emotional outpouring. I got them back by being the guy they fancied in the first place. The fun guy, the devil may care guy etc. I told them they were dead right. I happily agreed it wasn't working and they were right to move on etc. I sorta cringe looking back and I'm not exactly proud of it, but it did work. People are a bit like cats in this. If you try to walk towards them or worse chase them, they'll run away. If you stand still or walk slowly away they're more likely to come right up to you. In a big way in romantic situations and IMHO that's fine so long as you're not being a manipulative git.

Of course I didn't love those women. Big diff. That's the irony of it. A helluva lot harder to do that when you love them. I never could TBH.

In any case I'm thinking you do need to sit down and get it all out with her. Not for her, the relationship, but for you. Both so you can see what's what and it'll lance the emotional boil. It will give you closure regardless of what the outcome is. It's clear you loved her and it's clear you love her still and god I feel for you. I really do. Have the tee shirt and all that. The good news is again regardless of what pans out, I do feel from reading your stuff that you'll learn from this in a good way.

As for it being nonsense. It's not. Get it all out here. It's bound to be of benefit for you and for others who may be in a similar position but won't post here but are reading this and may find their own answers.

opinion guy

Hey.

I agree with what Wibbs and the others are saying OP. I actually think you need to take heart from the fact that you did meet her and you kept yourself together and you didn't fall apart. So consider then that your fear is unfounded. And yes you are overanalysing.....again.....but thats just a habit more than anything else....don't worry we'll train you out of it eventually

Look its like this. you don't and can't know what is going thru her head - so all your analysing serves only to get yourself worked up about unknowns. you will only know by asking her. And then even if it doesn't go the way you want, you will be better off - because at least you will know, and you can look at things and say - ok well I KNOW I did my best here. And when you know that there can be no regrets.

She texted me last and I was all happy but then after a few texts shes done then and its kind of abrupt....'ok goodnight'.

STOP interpreting. there's no meaning to whether her goodnight was abrupt or not - maybe she was half asleep.

Should she even have to sit there and listen to me if we do meet up and 'talk'. I do feel that she got into a relationship with me and it was intense and seriously in love stuff very quickly (we had been friends for years though) and all of her addiction toxic sh1t was going on so really I don't think she should have got into anything with anyone and thats whats killing me now. I put myself out there so much, heart and soul, and now shes just wrapped up in herself again. back being single.

Woah.....whats all this about ? If you were friends for years its natural for the relationship to build more quickly. She doesn't have to sit there and listen to you.....but presumably you are not going to tie her to the chair ? She can just say she doesn't want to talk about it if she doesn't. She just wrapped up in herself again back being single - what do you mean by that ? "addition toxic sh1t"? Hmmmm tone back the judgemental there a little bit. yes it may have been toxic ****, but she took action to try and fix it - give her some credit for that


Fundamentally I think for you - this is about being true to your own feelings. Which is why I disagreed with everyone tellign you to cut contact to begin with. You knew, I think, that you wouldn't really be able to do that, or if you did it would have been artifical and in your head you would have still been thinking about her all the time, you would have been left with a doubt. Remember now - don't be driven by the fear (or the hope) for that matter. Be driven by being true to yourself and expressing your true feelings. Because when you do that, even if it works out badly, you can look back without regret, without woulda, coulda, shoulda's. And more than that you will also have learned how to overcome The Fear.


I will disagree with wibbs in one point thou. You've changed thru all this remember, you've learned some things. So when wibbs says be the guy they fancied in the first place, I say be that and more. Let the changes shine thru (without being LOOK at me I'm different)

I dunno, my usual default is as you say cut contact, but every situation is different. Hell there have been rare ones where I didn't cut contact myself TBH that was a mistake on my part, in all but one situation, hence I'm of the default cut contact opinion now. But looking back, there was one situation where it did help me. Not to get back with her, but to see and understand the situation and her and most importantly me and what the hell was going on. I got -and I hate this word normally- closure.

LOL Wibbs needs a shower...... :P



OP, is this helpful? hmmmm I slightly have a feeling that theres something more going on in your head about all this? i mean - whats driving this tendency of yours to overinterpret. Are you usually like that or is it just this situation ?

opinion guy

OP.

What exactly are you afraid of ? yes yes i know - she won't be interested. but thats a purely emotional reaction maybe to thoughts you haven't crystallised yet. i mean fleshed out what do you fear will happen in your thoughts/emotions ?

Askign for a specific reason by the way - not purely morbid curiousty

LegacyUser

Firstly thanks so much for all the support and advice. It means loads and its great to get everyones opinion esp you opinion guy. I'm really taking things on board and its very helpful, believe me so thank you.

I'm definitely gonna talk to her because I can't leave myself in limbo like this anymore.
Its a dreadful state to be in so you're right about that sunflower.

So what am I afraid of? I've thought about this all afternoon. Like I said before I did have another long term relationship and didn't feel anything like I feel and have felt for this girl.
And I always thought we were so compatible. I don't believe in that opposites attract stuff. We have so much in common and most importantly our personalities and sense of humours are so similar and I think I'm thinking that I'll never have that again with anyone else. And also (and this sounds very soppy) I honestly don't know what to do with all the love I have for her. I've never had to stop loving someone before and I feel full of love and want to give it all to her. Its like its bursting to get out of me but I've to suppress it and that feels very wrong to me. If she's no interest then all that love will still be inside me with nowhere to go and thats an abnormal situation to me.(God forgive me for talking like this!!!)

When I said the thing about her being wrapped up in herself being single again I basically meant that I feel like shes looking after her own interests and maybe she isn't missing me at all. Its just me all hurt and p-ed off and wrecking my own head.

The over interpretation thing is brand new dude!!! I'd always look at the big picture normally and I'm very reasonable with my approach to stuff. I've never had this situation before so thats why I'm reading into things so much. I'm so eager to get some indications from her that she still cares.

Thanks again folks.

Wheelhaus

Ah buddy, you sound exactly like me a few months ago. You actually serously have to 200% cut contact. The worst thing someone can give you, is hope. Your life will be on hold until she either completey cuts the chord or you do. Trust me, it sucks but you will be fine. Tell her you are moving on and if she wants you, she can come and find you but dont hold your breath as you will never move on.

And if she doesnt, then it doesnt matter. It will be hard for a while but you will be fine. I have never been happier since my ex broke up with me. You will be suprised what you learn about yourself. Its very character building. I know this is easy to say but trust me, you will be fine. She is not "the one". There is no "the one". There are just certain people you connect with and really get along with. You will find someone else. Everyone does.

Chin up, buddy.

hollis12

am i right in thinking your afriad of the friendship ending mate?

opinion guy

still.love.her wrote: »

.......So what am I afraid of? I've thought about this all afternoon. Like I said before I did have another long term relationship and didn't feel anything like I feel and have felt for this girl.
And I always thought we were so compatible. I don't believe in that opposites attract stuff. We have so much in common and most importantly our personalities and sense of humours are so similar and I think I'm thinking that I'll never have that again with anyone else.

Yes I thought you might say something like this....and its important that you figured that out for yourself as opposed to one of us suggesting it. Ok. I know where your at I think. Remember what I said this fear is your enemy - it will make you freak out and do things like.....hmmmm......i dunno.....overinterpret and overanalyse :P But lets think about what you've just said - your thinking that you'll never have that again with anyone else. And here is the bold truth of this - u ready ? Truth is - you won't have that again with anyone else. No really I mean that - accept that. Take a minute. Then ask yourself - does it make any sense to be afraid of something that has already come to pass ? Really ? No it doesn't. And anyway - would you want something back that ultimately didn't work ? Ok I'm saying this like its easy to get your head around - it isn't. but give it time.

Now, the good news ? You will have something else. Whether it is with this girl, or a completely different girl, you will have something else thats just as mindblowing (and really would you want to rerun something that didn't work ?) Truth is, every relationship you have, every love you feel is going to be a little bit different (and personally I think what we define as 'love' tends to grow deeper with each new experience of it). My friend that fact that you even recognise that you had something special puts you light years ahead of alot of people

And also (and this sounds very soppy) I honestly don't know what to do with all the love I have for her. I've never had to stop loving someone before and I feel full of love and want to give it all to her. Its like its bursting to get out of me but I've to suppress it and that feels very wrong to me. If she's no interest then all that love will still be inside me with nowhere to go and thats an abnormal situation to me.(God forgive me for talking like this!!!)

LOL - don't worry we'll pretend like we don't know u :P Aww dude I know how you feel having recently gone through this. Its truly horrible. For now at least you have to suppress this - it won't serve you (or her). Its abnormal cause you've never had to deal with it before - all new experiences are abnormal at first - doens't mean they are wrong, just different.

My friend, if this doesn't go the way you want it to, I'm not going to lie to you it will be tough to deal with this. There are two ways you will get thru that a) distance, cutting her off and all that stuff and b) knowing you did your best and really there was nothing else you could have done. Over time it will get easier. Now you will have lots of people telling you to jsut got on the pull or forget about it etc etc - IMHO all that is a bunch of crap. Trying to 'get over' someone is kind of a futile effort cause it just doesn't work - at least not in the way people mean it. You can't revert to who you were before you lost the person. I think what actually happens is that over time you assimilate the experiences and that wounds heal - in the process you learn and you change and you eventually come out the other end a slightly different person. No one ever 'gets over' anyone - they just become someone else unbeknownst to themselves. Only thing for it is time and getting on with things.

When I said the thing about her being wrapped up in herself being single again I basically meant that I feel like shes looking after her own interests and maybe she isn't missing me at all. Its just me all hurt and p-ed off and wrecking my own head.

Yup - so stop wrecking your own head :P Shes entitled to look after herself if that what she needs to do (hmmmm and better than someone who wants you to be their saviour!)

The over interpretation thing is brand new dude!!! I'd always look at the big picture normally and I'm very reasonable with my approach to stuff. I've never had this situation before so thats why I'm reading into things so much. I'm so eager to get some indications from her that she still cares.

Well when you find yourself doing it STOP. Don't tolerate it at all lest it becomes a habit. Its coming from your fear so mentally challenge the logic of that!


I hope thats all helpful. If you are going to talk to her try and clear you head as much as you can ahead of time - you don't want to be letting the fear drive you!!

Good luck dude!

chicklick

WILL YOU JUST TELL HER HOW YOU BLOODY FEEL INSTEAD OF RISKING SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WONDERING WHAT IF

jellyboy

im with chiclick...put your heart on the table...some wise(un) people think that the breaking of the heart over and over allows us to grow from within....


You have nothing to fear from fear, but fear it self....:cool: