Binman boyfriend

coco474

It hurts even writing the above title to this thread as I know there is so much more to my boyfriend than his job. I'm a well-educated professional girl going out with a guy who works as a refuse collector. We get on brilliantly, make each other laugh and I know we both find one another attractive. Nothing else should matter really but for me his job is sometimes like the big white elephant in the room. Despite the fact that we've been together for nearly a year I still havn't told any friends or colleagues (mainly white-collar workers) what exactly he does, merely saying he works for the County Council. In my stupid innocence I told my mother several months ago and her reaction was the worst possible-she refuses ever to have him in the house, thinks I'm desperate and generally contrary. Our relationship has obviously suffered badly. I'm writing this having come home for the weekend for the first time in weeks and barely two words have passed between us. Fact is, I value my boyfriend's sincerity, kindness and respect far more than my mother's ignorance and hypocrisy. I would chose him over her any day of the week. Nevertheless, his family must wonder why he has never visited mine especially since I've been introduced to practically his entire extended family. He is aware my mother is unapproving of him but not of the extent of it.

I know I stand accused of being a snob myself and love should conquer all etc. but finding myself lying to people re his job because I can't bring myself to say he collects rubbish makes me wonder about our relationship. Then again even writing that last part scares me as he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has said it's not a permanent career but given this recession and his lack of opportunities in continuing with it for so long I'm not sure. I know writing this post is not going to fix anything but I have to air my feelings someway as I havn't spoken to anyone about this.

John Mason

coco474 wrote: »

he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

says it all really.

he is in a well paid, secure pensionable job which is more then most of the country can say.

you should hold your head up high and say my bf is a binman in a proud voice. by lying about it you are making it worse then what it is.

if you cant do that, let him go he deserves to be with someone who is not ashamed of him and treats him like a dirty little secret

Moomoo1

Find a fancy name for his job. Say he is a hygiene manager for the council. Really, people who are your _real_ friends won't have a problem with the choices you make. People who aren't don't even need to be told*.

And as for your mother, ask her how she would feel if _no one_ was a rubbish collector? If _everyone_ thought themselves above that job?

Ask her: what would happen then?

*EDIT: tell them that his job is top secret. That one usually wards off the unwanted questions.

EDIT 2: the thing to _really_ worry about is the repercussions this is having on your relationship. Why is it suffering as a result of this, and how that can be changed. That's the crucial question for you to pose to yourself.

SheRa

your mothers reaction is shocking, really awful. it shouldnt matter whether he's a millionaire or a bin man. as long as you like him and he treats you well. i really despair of the rise in irish snobbery over the last 10 years.

+1 hold your help up high and just tell people straight out. why hide? if you are positive about it the chances that others will be too and if they aren't act innocent and ask them why, becuase it just shows up their ignorance.

btw great point about it being a great job, its a public job and all.

SheRa

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Find a fancy name for his job. Say he is a hygiene manager for the council. Really, people who are your _real_ friends won't have a problem with the choices you make. People who aren't don't even need to be told*.

And as for your mother, ask her how she would feel if _no one_ was a rubbish collector? If _everyone_ thought themselves above that job?

Ask her: what would happen then?

*EDIT: tell them that his job is top secret. That one usually wards off the unwanted questions.

EDIT 2: the thing to _really_ worry about is the repercussions this is having on your relationship. Why is it suffering as a result of this, and how that can be changed. That's the crucial question for you to pose to yourself.

imagine her boyf heard this, he would think that she's ashamed of him. its a bad idea to lie or make it a secret and why should she have to.

Westfalia2

There was an episode of Fraiser where Roz was dating a binman and it sounds uncannily like your story. You might be able to get it on YouTube. Not terribly helpful I know but it might be good to take a lighthearted look at it....

Moomoo1

SheRa wrote: »

imagine her boyf heard this, he would think that she's ashamed of him. its a bad idea to lie or make it a secret and why should she have to.

well, I would hope he'd see the funny side of that. I would have done. Anyway, that wasn't the main point I was going to make anyway.

R.D. aka MR.D

I feel for your poor boyfriend. Hes in a perfectly repctable job but yet his girlf is ashamed or him and has a snob for MIL.


The type of people who look down on people in these jobs don't deserve the honur of having some one care what they think.
You should tell your mother shes wrong because she is and be honest with your friends.
There is no shame in his job. You need to change your attitude too.

Joey the lips

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I feel for your poor boyfriend. Hes in a perfectly repctable job but yet his girlf is ashamed or him and has a snob for MIL.


The type of people who look down on people in these jobs don't deserve the honur of having some one care what they think.
You should tell your mother shes wrong because she is and be honest with your friends.
There is no shame in his job. You need to change your attitude too.

+1 She needs to more than change her attitude I am afraid. In a previous post the OP asked advice as a "teacher" on how to "cheat" at a thesis! I wonder what type of standards that set. Give me the bin man any day! The op needs to establish her postition and place in life and decide if the working man is suitable for her I am afraid

coco474

This is a separate, different post to those posted months before and I expect it to be treated as such. I welcome comments based on the above thread not some post profiler deferring to previous posts and thinking he or she has some definitive grasp of my character.

Silverfish

I would like to remind people that this is Personal Issues, if you cannot post advice, then please, do not post.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

coco474 wrote: »

It hurts even writing the above title to this thread as I know there is so much more to my boyfriend than his job. I'm a well-educated professional girl going out with a guy who works as a refuse collector. We get on brilliantly, make each other laugh and I know we both find one another attractive. Nothing else should matter really but for me his job is sometimes like the big white elephant in the room. Despite the fact that we've been together for nearly a year I still havn't told any friends or colleagues (mainly white-collar workers) what exactly he does, merely saying he works for the County Council. In my stupid innocence I told my mother several months ago and her reaction was the worst possible-she refuses ever to have him in the house, thinks I'm desperate and generally contrary. Our relationship has obviously suffered badly. I'm writing this having come home for the weekend for the first time in weeks and barely two words have passed between us. Fact is, I value my boyfriend's sincerity, kindness and respect far more than my mother's ignorance and hypocrisy. I would chose him over her any day of the week. Nevertheless, his family must wonder why he has never visited mine especially since I've been introduced to practically his entire extended family. He is aware my mother is unapproving of him but not of the extent of it.

I know I stand accused of being a snob myself and love should conquer all etc. but finding myself lying to people re his job because I can't bring myself to say he collects rubbish makes me wonder about our relationship. Then again even writing that last part scares me as he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has said it's not a permanent career but given this recession and his lack of opportunities in continuing with it for so long I'm not sure. I know writing this post is not going to fix anything but I have to air my feelings someway as I havn't spoken to anyone about this.

The way the world ( and this country in particular) is going your boyfriend, who needs physical fitness and strength for his job, probably has better long-term prospects than 99% of white-collar workers out there.

No kidding.

Moomoo1

coco474 wrote: »

This is a separate, different post to those posted months before and I expect it to be treated as such. I welcome comments based on the above thread not some post profiler deferring to previous posts and thinking he or she has some definitive grasp of my character.

Sorry about that OP - advice boards are usually a bit of a lion's den. I really think that your first priority is to make up with your OH (not speaking to each other is always a terrible sign) and communicate once more the extent of your feelings for him. Everything else is, frankly, irrelevant in comparison and can be overcome as long as things are right between you.

My mother remarried (at 42) to a guy who was the son of a butcher and never had a steady job in his life (he tried just about every job going and was unemployed when they met - now he is retired). She is a person with a university degree and from a very high-class family. But if anyone would as much as mention a word against his lack of constant occupation she would have just laughed it off. A sound relationship is a castle, and anyone who opposes it is an invading army trying to storm it, and should be treated as such.

starchild

You are placing to much emphasis on a job, for some people this is the be all and end all for others its one part of a varied life that incorporates job, relationship, hobbies, past times, friends, social life etc etc etc. Even if he decided to make it a permanent career would that be so bad, he will still be the caring person you fell for.

If he is as you say the best thing that has happened to you then you should make it your goal to keep him, You need to stand up for him by standing up to your mother. Snobbery is inherent in many people, it doesnt mean they are bad people its just a character trait they have, what you need to do is let her know that you dont care they think badly of his job and that you want them to meet him.

If she wont do that well thats her issue not yours. At that stage you will probably need to sit down and tell him.

I know this is awkward for you but you have made it awkward by not being open about his profession from the beginning. There is nothing to be ashamed of in earning an honest living, people are the same whether they are big businessmen or refuse collectors.

People can spend years finding the right person, dont throw all that away by hiding something that is so trivial. If your boyfriend finds out you are ashamed of what he does it could spell the end for your relationship. Dont make a big deal out of it, next time someone asks what he does just tell them

He is a binman with the council, say it a few times its not such a bad thing

chuckles30

If you're happy it makes no odds what he's doing!! As a lot of people have said, it's a secure job...no matter what recession we're in, we all still have rubbish that needs collecting. You could be with an accountant/chief executive/solicitor....or any other profession that your mother might approve of......and he could be abusing you or cheating on you!! Job title is nothing!!!

LadyJ

An entire episode of Fraiser was devoted to this exact situation. Roz had a boyfriend who was a binman and kept lying to people about his job and avoided telling them about it etc. She knew it was ridiculous because he was clearly the best thing that had ever happened to her. Anyway, in the end she chose to let go of her silliness and snobbery and be with him. Tv is always right!

If this guy makes you happy then eventually your mother will realise this and she'll get over it. It's her problem, she's being ridiculous and you shouldn't pay any attention to her. She's being a child and a total snob.

You need to decide if his job is really a problem for you. He doesn't deserve for you to be ashamed of him for doing a honest days work and supporting himself. How would you feel if he was mortified to tell people about your job?

You'll probably be surprised how little a shít people actually give if you tell them tbh.

I dunno. I would be proud of my boyfriend no matter what he did as long as it made him happy and he was making a few quid for himself. He doesn't have a particularly regular job as it is but what do I care?! We are in love, we have fun and he can always count on my support and respect because he is a fantastic man and would break his own back to make me happy. That's what matters.

You need to tell people where to go if they have a problem with it because when you love someone that's what you do. You stand by them and you show them respect. If you feel that's not something you can do for this man then let him move on and find someone who will.

Moomoo1

LadyJ wrote: »

If this guy makes you happy then eventually your mother will realise this and she'll get over it. It's her problem, she's being ridiculous and you shouldn't pay any attention to her. She's being a child and a total snob.

I'd go further; she's being a bully...

aDeener

coco474 wrote: »

It hurts even writing the above title to this thread as I know there is so much more to my boyfriend than his job. I'm a well-educated professional girl going out with a guy who works as a refuse collector. We get on brilliantly, make each other laugh and I know we both find one another attractive. Nothing else should matter really but for me his job is sometimes like the big white elephant in the room. Despite the fact that we've been together for nearly a year I still havn't told any friends or colleagues (mainly white-collar workers) what exactly he does, merely saying he works for the County Council. In my stupid innocence I told my mother several months ago and her reaction was the worst possible-she refuses ever to have him in the house, thinks I'm desperate and generally contrary. Our relationship has obviously suffered badly. I'm writing this having come home for the weekend for the first time in weeks and barely two words have passed between us. Fact is, I value my boyfriend's sincerity, kindness and respect far more than my mother's ignorance and hypocrisy. I would chose him over her any day of the week. Nevertheless, his family must wonder why he has never visited mine especially since I've been introduced to practically his entire extended family. He is aware my mother is unapproving of him but not of the extent of it.

I know I stand accused of being a snob myself and love should conquer all etc. but finding myself lying to people re his job because I can't bring myself to say he collects rubbish makes me wonder about our relationship. Then again even writing that last part scares me as he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has said it's not a permanent career but given this recession and his lack of opportunities in continuing with it for so long I'm not sure. I know writing this post is not going to fix anything but I have to air my feelings someway as I havn't spoken to anyone about this.

Who cares what he works at, once you love him thats all that matters. Don't mind what anyone else thinks

Soul Stretcher

Emm... the question, for me, here is not whether your bf is good enough for you (working as a binman) but whether you are good enough for him...

you being apparently an "educated" person who despite all that "education" judges an human being by what they do 9-5 and who appears to have absorbed some of her mother's snobbery without question.

Yes... this relationship does appear unequal... you appear to be small-minded and worried about the Joneses while your bf presumably has outgrown such silliness....

Are you good enough for him ?

mikemac

He has a safe, secure and pensionable job, something that many can only dream of.

Even your white collar friends don't have some of these perks and would dearly like them. I would anyway
Plus, it must be great working outside

The guy is out working and and doing a physical job, nobody can judge him for that.

Just tell your mother he is a sanitation engineer

LegacyUser

Well, it depends on the person more than the job.

But, if my sister was dating a binman, I would have to wonder what the guy became a binman.

What does he get out of it and what he enjoys about the job?

Does he likes the job because he's doing good for the environment or because he gets to be outdoors a lot or because it's a pretty well paid job then cool.

If he was a guy who didn't bother getting educated and took the first job he could get and didn't have any ambition (not necessarily career) then I would think, like your mother, that you could do better.

I don't respect people who do office jobs more than manual jobs. I have done both and I have enjoyed both as much as they can be enjoyed.

I can understand doing a job of such simplicity over wasting time and energy getting stressed over a job where you are stressed out all the time and where work becomes your life.

Firetrap

You need to stop being judgemental in your own head first. Once you sort that, you will happily tell your mates what he does. I admire your boyfriend for being hard-working and being able to hold down a job that not everyone would go for. Work is work, especially in this day and age. You should be glad that your boyfriend is working rather than sitting around in the house all day. There's many an unemployed graduate with letters streaming off the end of their name who would gladly switch places with your boyfriend at the moment.

I come from a town where there are plenty of people who wouldn't be well off. There were classmates of mine who never got the chance to go to third level because their families couldn't afford it. There are plenty of us on Boards whose parents hail from a time before free second level education - neither my parents never even got to secondary school. Judging people solely by what they do is a very one-dimensional way of looking at them. I don't know about you but I'd much rather go out with a binman who's a great guy than man who's got a shiny white-collar job and has the personality of an amoeba.

Splendour

coco474 wrote: »

I know I stand accused of being a snob myself and love should conquer all etc. but finding myself lying to people re his job because I can't bring myself to say he collects rubbish makes me wonder about our relationship. Then again even writing that last part scares me as he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has said it's not a permanent career but given this recession and his lack of opportunities in continuing with it for so long I'm not sure. I know writing this post is not going to fix anything but I have to air my feelings someway as I havn't spoken to anyone about this.

Hi coco,

I am getting the feeling you are using your mother's disapproval of this guy to mask your own feelings of this situation. Take your mother and everyone else out of the equation and ask yourself honestly what it is you really think about this guy. Also, what would your reaction be if a friend told you they were going out with the most wonderful guy who happened to be a binman?

Him saying it is not a permanet career makes me think he is feeling 'not good enough'. He in fact be quite happy with his career if it weren't for the fact that he's feeling this. Anyway as others have pointed out in today's climate he's lucky to be working and personally I think he'd be mad to leave this job. I'm sure you've heard about solicitors applying for jobs in Mac Donalds!

unhappycamper

Without binmen people on this island would be living in filth. I would be proud of him as mentioned above, it's a good job. Keeping our enviroment clean for kids and adults is an essential part of healthy living. I work in town and sometimes the filth is truly disgusting and who cleans it up? Good people that who. Fair play. Ask your mother to really have a long think about her attitude.

philologos

OP: I have to say, you should talk to your mother about this on her level and calmly. It's simply utterly inappropriate. If you love your boyfriend, irrespective of what he does, that is how you feel. Your family and your friends will just have to get used to that. Does social class or career really change who a person is deep down?

I'd be glad that he has a job during this time to be honest with you.

dellas1979

Good jesus. I have read it all now. I didnt know we had ROYALTY in Ireland.

Seriously, the man has a job and is still criticised?

If I work in an office doing something I dont give a **** about - it pays the bills - does that make me on the same as your bf? Or am I different because I dont handle bins?

Have you the same opinion of people who work in service industries like office cleaners, people who work in laundrettes, washes carpets for a living...the list is endless. Cop on like.

There is a man outside my house at the moment cleaning the windows and washing the drive way - is he less of a person than I am? No, he is providing a service and he is paid. The same way in the job I work in, I provide a service and get paid.

You are upset because, in some strange way, you realise that you and your mother are not that different at all. You both look at this guy like there is something wrong with him, when in fact the problem lies with both of you. You are trying to justify the man having a job for Gods sake. I think the best thing you can do is to leave him - if that man has to go around proving himself to you and your mother, you are going to **** him up too.

coco474

Thanks for all your comments. I agree completely with the fact that he is far far superior to me in countless ways - he has way more friends, is extremely sporty, has a far more outgoing chatty personality and has a really close supportive family. He has a degree but never found adequate work in the area. He would be mad to leave his permanant job, I know. I'm really lucky to have him and he is without a doubt the better person in our relationship. I guess being home and getting the cold treatment from my mother made alot of my insecurities resurface. We've clashed several times about him and she never backs down in terms of saying he'll never be welcome in the house. I don't know where it's coming from with her as we live in a rural area where most of the neighbours are labourers and tradesmen. She herself didn't even go to college. Given the way she carries on I couldn't give a damn about her opinion but it's cringing to think if my boyfriend or any member of his family asks that he'll never visit my home. I wonder down the line if we ever married if she (my Dad doesn't know anything) would even give us her blessing or whatever or will all ties between us be cut at that stage? I dunno. But I do know I'm as bad as her in harbouring doubts about his job and that I need to get over what other people might think and tell people straight out what he does. I feel **** even writing this behind his back and I know I don't deserve him.

philologos

OP: Would you not tell your dad, maybe he will be able to reason with your mother?

dellas1979

Woah there now.....the only way to change things is to get proactive and do something.

Can you clarify a few things there:

1. Why doesnt your father know? Is he a battle axe too/does he not care/is he scared of your mother?
2. I take it you are scared of your mother?

I dont think she sees you as an adult, which is why your opinion on this guy doesnt matter. You need to stand up for yourself. Either:

A). Have it out with her/her and your father. You tell her/both you are not ashamed of him, but are dissapointed in her for her reaction. If there is one crack in your "Im not ashamed of him" story, she will not believe you.
. Stay away from them - for a while at least
C). Continue like this and loose this guy.

Personally, I would go with option A. It gets it all in the open. Feelings might get hurt, but everyone knows where they stand.

iguana

My dad was a binman and I have no words to express how angry you are making me. Honestly, if I overheard you having this conversation in real life I'd be hard pressed not to hurt you. I think your attitude is disgusting, really, really disgusting. I understand how things with your mother make this more difficult for you, but regardless of that, I think your behaviour is vile. I'm literally shaking at how angry your posts are making me. You are looking down on your boyfriend because of his job, and you are also looking down on every other man who does that job, including my father. You need to change you attitude or leave the relationship so your boyfriend can find someone who is not ashamed of him.:mad:

dellas1979

Yeah. I cant get my head around it at all either.

If the title of the thread was "My bf is a drug dealer" then I would understand the big deal.

Maybe you suffer self esteem issues yourself at the hands of your mother.

You cant change your mothers opinion, you can only work on yourself and lead by example.

If it was me, I would seriously turn my back on her (for a while). I would have it out, say my peace and walk away. Let her cool off and think about things. In other words, and in alot of other posts I have written on, my advice is to "Grow a pair".

coco474

Look I'm sorry if I'm hurting people. I'm not ashamed of my boyfriend. I know a job defines nobody. But even in saying that you might think I'm making excuses so I can't win. He's probably way too good for me. The main issue I have is the reaction at home.

In relation to questions asked previously I'm not scared of my mother but she is a very conservative, traditional woman who for the want of a better phrase 'has notions'. My Dad doesn't know because he is always completely out of the loop when it comes to family stuff and only cares about his job. My mom actually threatens to tell him but I honestly don't know how he would react. She seems to think he would disapprove to the same extent as her but I'm not sure. Honestly, his opinion doesn't matter as much as my mothers for the practical reason that she is the one who welcomes people to the door, makes conversation, cooks and generally is in charge of the house. I couldn't bring my boyfriend home to her according to her and I believe her. I've always been the rebellious one so to speak and have shouted her down when my other sister would be calming her down. I think she views my choice of boyfriend as another two-fingered salute to her-she's that narrow-minded and childish. Love never ever featured between her and my father. I don't think she would ever understand that side of my argument. The fact that my sister goes out with a serious solicitor reinforces the good child/bad child situation with her.

I'm embarrassed by her to be honest especially considering the heartwarm welcome that has been extended to me by my boyfr's family. I'd happily say sayonara to her but I know my boyfriend would not be happy with that situation and think he drove a wedge between us.

Agent J

What would she prefer?

That he works for a bank?

Right now Binmen have a better rep in this country then a good ol' white collar job such as a banker.

Perhaps you could ask her for a list of jobs she approves and disapproves of.

Seriously though. Assume this relationship ends and you meet someone else.
They have a job your mother doesnt approve off and this whole debate goes on again.

When does it stop?

iguana

coco474 wrote: »

I'm embarrassed by her to be honest especially considering the heartwarm welcome that has been extended to me by my boyfr's family.

If that was the case your thread would be called "Snobby Mum" not "Binman Boyfriend" and you would not be telling your friends and colleagues lies of omission about him working for the council. Sorry, but your main problem seems to be his job not your mother. You come across as if you know his job shouldn't bother you but it does. You are embarrassed by his job, you write disparagingly about him collecting rubbish and you describe yourself as a "well-educated professional" as if you are Lady Chatterley and he your lower-class lover.

Tell your friends what he actually does, and be prepared that they may look at you differently. Not because of your bf's profession but because of your snobbishness at lying and your assumption that they share that snobbishness. Tell your father what he does and tell him how your mother's reaction is upsetting you, but that you love your boyfriend and are proud that he is not a snob and willing to get his hands dirty to earn a living. This will probably take the wind out of your mother's sales. Either do this or give up your boyfriend, because if you don't get over your snobbishness you don't deserve him.

Crann na Beatha

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Op, I think it is obvious from your posts that your issue is with your mother`s attitude, not with your boyfriend`s profession at all. So you need to find a way to bring her around to your side of things. Clearly this will take time but you need to put the effort in, maybe you could ask her to meet you outside the home for a shopping trip and have a chat about your other half then? take her outside the house though because it sounds to me as if she thinks she rules over the home if you know what I mean! maybe she`ll be more open to someone else`s point of view then...also maybe writing a letter to her could help? You could take as much time as you need to word it properly then.

I think though you need to take a different approach than the one that you`ve been using, shouting will just convince her she`s right. What helps me in these kind of situations is to think of something that will keep me calm when the other person gets overly emotional, then I can concentrate on my original points without freaking!:)

Mothers really do come out with some strange "notions" but the longer you allow her to dig her heals in the harder it will be to resolve. Ask her if she really objects to his profession and why that is? then counteract whatever rubbish she comes back with by saying you value his personality and the way he treats you over what he does to earn money. Tell her it doesn`t matter what he does as long as he makes you happy, but tell her all this once her lines of communication are open. she simply won`t hear you if you have to scream.

She`s still your mum so I wouldn`t just cut your losses with her until you really have tried everything, and maybe you should go to your father and tell him how upset and stressed this is all making you.

Personally I`ve gone out with professional, well educated career type people, who have treated me very badly. I know you know that it really doesnt matter what the hell your boyfriend does, I can tell from your posts!:) Please don`t tell him the full extent of your mother`s rudeness, he might hold it against her if she comes around. And he could even hold it against you!

Good Luck!!

krudler

coco474 wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments. I agree completely with the fact that he is far far superior to me in countless ways - he has way more friends, is extremely sporty, has a far more outgoing chatty personality and has a really close supportive family. He has a degree but never found adequate work in the area. He would be mad to leave his permanant job, I know. I'm really lucky to have him and he is without a doubt the better person in our relationship. I guess being home and getting the cold treatment from my mother made alot of my insecurities resurface. We've clashed several times about him and she never backs down in terms of saying he'll never be welcome in the house. I don't know where it's coming from with her as we live in a rural area where most of the neighbours are labourers and tradesmen. She herself didn't even go to college. Given the way she carries on I couldn't give a damn about her opinion but it's cringing to think if my boyfriend or any member of his family asks that he'll never visit my home. I wonder down the line if we ever married if she (my Dad doesn't know anything) would even give us her blessing or whatever or will all ties between us be cut at that stage? I dunno. But I do know I'm as bad as her in harbouring doubts about his job and that I need to get over what other people might think and tell people straight out what he does. I feel **** even writing this behind his back and I know I don't deserve him.

You answered your own post there, who gives a **** what your mother thinks? as long as you're happy yourself leave her to her small minded ways, for a woman whos never went to college herself she has an awfully high horse to sit on when it comes to judging people by their jobs, and after all it is just a job, I work in an office but that doesnt define me, in fact I ****ing hate it, but until something better comes along I'm stuck there, binmen are secure in their jobs, get a lot of exercise, dont have to deal with office politics and backstabbing i'd imagine , which is a lot better than most white collar workers are getting at the moment

Calibos

Put it this way. You wouldn't be ashamed to tell anyone your BF worked in the Council Water Services department. That can be a much filthier job, up to your waist in sewage.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a binman and tbh you would make yourself sound snobby even if you told people this but gave it a stupid job description moniker like Waste Management contractor. And to top it all off, it isn't even that he was a messer in school, left after his junior cert and fell into the job. He has a degree FFS.
Nobody in any job is a 'waster' but even the snobs who think someone who works as a binman has to be a waster would know that this person with a degree was different to the 'erroneous' stereotype they had in their head.

I am not saying its the same case here, but not everyone is driven by ambition to have the best paying career they can whatever the cost. Some people are prepared to find a different balance where they know they won't ever earn enough to have the big detached house on the hill, the Range Rover and Merc parced outside and the 2 Holidays and several weekend breaks a year, but that they will be happy with just the average, for the sake of their mental health and stress levels.

I work in a stress free lower paid unskilled job despite the fact that had I wanted I could have achieved Masters level in several disciplines had I wanted to push myself. I can hold my own intellectually with anyone I have come across. I just didn't want to live my life stressed out about the huge mortgage on the big house, or the stress from the huge responsibility off a high powered job and if that meant working a job that others thought was beneath me then so be it. I'm the one living my life not them. I prefer to use my intellect doing something I enjoy like some of my hobbies rather than in a job that stresses me and I don't enjoy.

implausible

A lot of people here are calling you a snob OP, but I feel that's harsh. I can understand where you're coming from. My own mam would be similar to yours, she's all about education, status and respectability and has, as you say, 'notions'. My dad, who has higher education, ironically doesn't have these notions.

However, people are often all talk. She's probably hoping that if she keeps this up, you'll meet a rocket scientist she can brag to the neighbours about. If he lands down to the house with you one weekend, she'll probably behave, as opposed to locking the door on him. If she doesn't, it's herself she's making a fool of. This behaviour is only a reflection on you if you agree with her. It's hard not to subconsciously take in some of the prejudice of your parents, but from what you've posted, I think there's only a tiny bit of it left. Anyway, he has a degree ffs!

Tell your dad, bring him home for a visit so they can all see what a wonderful guy he is and that you're serious about him. It's your life, your happiness at stake.

P.S. my OH only has Junior Cert and my mam now thinks the sun shines out of him....

kelle

I much prefer a man who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, that'll be the sort of man who will do all the unpleasant tasks around the house. Social status means nothing when your drains are blocked and you have to wait days for somebody to call out - having a man in your life that will get in there, slop out the contents and eliminate the problem is far better!

Sir Oxman

OP, I think your problem is a mixture of what your mother's attitude is and your own.
I think you also have a problem with his job as you state that you have not told any of your friends.

Despite the fact that we've been together for nearly a year I still havn't told any friends or colleagues (mainly white-collar workers) what exactly he does

I think that's quite telling on your part so I believe you have to confront yourself and your notions before even botherring with your mother.

I think once you've done that you can tackle her - you are either ashamed of his job (which as any sane person would tell and has told you is perfectly respectable) or you are not - and that quoted bit from you above indicates you are ashamed.

He sounds like a decent man and you are doing him a disservice by being the way you are about his job - think about it.

dan_d

OP

Stop shouting your mother down. Stop arguing with her. You are saying she might think it's just another two-fingered salute to her. So you've been difficult most of your life? That's probably contributing to your problem here. You need to try and imitate your sister for a bit. Calm her down.

I'm not saying she's right - she's not, she's so wrong. You say she hasn't been to college - look, all she wants for you is that you have what she didn't - a college education - and that you marry someone who has the same, probably so you can have a better life than her. She hasn't had her mind opened by experiencing college, she only knows the world she grew up in and the one she's living in now. I don't know if she's worked at all, but if she hasn't, then her view is even more limited.

Don't engage with her. Don't dicuss your boyfriend. The answer to any comment has to be "I'm not having this discussion with you" and launch into a conversation on anything else. Keep saying this for as long as it takes and keep your temper. A year. Two years. Whatever. Curiousity will get the better of her eventually. Or ignorance is bliss. Let her at it. The point is that she's just not going to accept him as he is. She doesn't see that his education is irrelevant, that how he treats you and makes you feel is the really important part.

You say the man has a degree. And you're ashamed because he's a binman. What are you working in? Something prestigious?? What's prestigious?
Look Op, you've obviously got issues with this yourself aswell. What on earth are you ashamed of? Would you tell people if he had a degree and was unemployed for the last year? Or if he had no degree but say, worked in a building site as a labourer, or a factory or something? Who cares what he works at? How many of your friends have actually met a binman in their life? It's an ice-breaker. Something different to talk about. I personally think that he deserves a hell of a lot of credit for having spent a number of years in college training to do something he's interested in and then to turn around and take a binman's job, which I'm guessing is not something that would have been on his plans. He can obviously see that a job is a job, especially when things are like this. He is definitely the bigger person here, and if I were you I'd be proud of him.

You've to sort this one out yourself OP. I seriously doubt that all your friends and colleagues are married or going out with well-educated, highly trained partners. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this man. Maybe try suggesting that your Dad meets you both for lunch some Saturday or something. Or a few drinks. Let him meet him, untainted by any idea of what he does, or what your mother thinks. But don't cut your ties with your mother, she's your family. And whatever you do, dont shout back at her to make your point, because the minute you do that, you've lost the argument again.

Johnnnybravo

The issue here isnt the mother. Although it does explain why your too ashamed to tell people at work what your boyfriend does. If I knew my OH was ashamed of what I do, Id dump them to be honest.

It shouldnt make any difference what his job is, at least he has a job, a job is money, not many people enjoy their job so I dont buy into the whole how did he become a binman what possessed him thing.

Either grow a set and tell people what he does and be proud that he has a job and be proud of him or else just dump the guy. Yes the mother is being a pain but I feel you just threw in the mother bit to take the focus off you being ashamed of yer fella. My friend is a binman and hes a lot sounder than a lot of these white collar boys working in the bank with notions about theirself.

Overheal

Werent there a few episodes of Frasier about this?

Its a non-issue.

LegacyUser

coco474 wrote: »

It hurts even writing the above title to this thread as I know there is so much more to my boyfriend than his job. I'm a well-educated professional girl going out with a guy who works as a refuse collector. .

Well educated professional? You are a schoolteacher ffs. A jeans wearing pedagogue with a few years of teacher training. You are, like most schoolteachers from a
lower middle class background. This is a most insecure class in society. There is a feeling of not being quite good enough for the quality and a determination to rise above and stay above the lower orders.
You are a bad dream come true for your mother. She fells herself sliding down the social ladder.
Your colleagues will most likely take a similar view.
You will simply have to brazen it out. The easiest place to hide a tree is in a forest. You should behave as if there is nothing whatever wrong with your boyfriend's occupation. Laugh at people who are taken aback when they learn of it.
parental approval is all very well when you get it but as an adult you have to carry on when it is not forthcoming.

who_ru

this whole debate (if you could call it that) just about sums up the modern irish woman - 100% stuck up....and that is so desperately unattractive.

Salome

You're an adult, you don't need your parents' approval.

Your OH is working, not scrounging on the dole unwilling to work.

He's the best thing that ever happened to you.

Now, either his work bothers you or doesn't bother you. If it does bother you, then you don't deserve him.

Wake up. You'll lose this great guy otherwise and you'll deserve all the heartache that comes with it.

Silverfish

who_ru wrote: »

this whole debate (if you could call it that) just about sums up the modern irish woman - 100% stuck up....and that is so desperately unattractive.

There's been one warning on this thread already.

Any futher aggressive unhelpful posting will be met with a ban. Final warning.

who_ru

well apologies if my post upset others - just life experience i'm afraid.

Enii

It's an honourable profession......

He gets up every day and goes off and works hard.....

rs

This is totally a weird one really. I can kind of see it from both sides.

You get on great with this guy, and by all accounts he's a great guy. Why should his job matter?

But you are worried other people will judge him based on his job. And people will (as you have obviously seen with your old family). There is a stigma associated with the job, which is obviously unfair. But it exists.

I suppose my issue is that it's a completely unskilled job. If he was an adult working at McDonalds, I expect your mother would have the same reaction. People will always tend to see it as a go-nowhere job and based on that, they will assume your boyfriend has no ambitions career wise.

But then again, these days. A job is a job.