Do you lose a part of yourself by being a Mom

pops

A bunch of my friends & I had a conversation about this over a few bottles of wine and the consensus was that you lose a part of your own identity by being a Mom. Particularly a stay at home mother.

Don't get me wrong, I have stayed at home with my 3 children by choice and was never hugely career orientated anyway. But still you become a mother and your children need you which is such a massive thrill but also you give so much that your edges become blurred. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I just wondered am I the only one who feels like this?

Novella

I'm not a mammy but am very close to my mam and she was a stay at home mother for about ten years. We often talk about it and she told me that although she loves being a mother and wouldn't change it for anything in the world, she feels that by staying at home all those years, she missed out on things in life.

I understand what she is saying. Realistically, myself and my brother were in school and she was simply at home, cleaning and ironing and we didn't need her to be there at that time as such. I value that she was always at home when I came home from school and I appreciate everything she gave up for us. However, sometimes I wish she had have done more of the things she wanted to herself.

My mam always wanted to be a doctor. She was a nurse and had ambitions to move up in that area but she got pregnant and therefore, put her life on hold. I'm twenty now and no longer live at home and my younger brother is almost seventeen so she feels now that we don't need her and I guess she regrets that she never went on to live her dream.

I hope she knows that even though I'm not a child anymore, I still need her and I will forever be grateful for the fact that she gave up her dreams just so she wouldn't miss all the little moments with my brother and I. We both think the world of her and I hope that goes even a small way in making up for the fact that she might have lost a part of herself for us.

CathyMoran

I saw my mum give up everything to be a mum, could and would not do that. Am giving up everything to try and become a mum though.

sunnyside

pops wrote: »

that you lose a part of your own identity by being a Mom. Particularly a stay at home mother.

Yet for other people this is an identity they are desperate for, I'm thinking of the women who spend €1000's on IVF in order to have a baby and the women who are insanely jealous of friends who are mothers.

Novella wrote: »

, she feels that by staying at home all those years, she missed out on things in life.
.

I think that it takes a lot of effort to create a separate identity to being a mother. There are more opportunities now for women wanting to do that. Some mothers are using the daytime hours while children are at school to study, run an online business, write books. Those people have mastered the art of keeping their own identity but it requires a lot of discipline and motivation.

Then there are mothers like Miriam O'Callaghan who most people are in absolute awe of.

pops

I don't particularly feel that I've missed out on anything per se in my life. What I mean is that your definition of who you are changes and perhaps that would happen without children anyway. Who you are becomes blurred with who your children are and I wonder if that leaves when they leave, or is it something that becomes a part of your new identity and is there for life?

I'm half thinking about writing about it and am interested in other women's opinions with or without kids....

Novella

pops wrote: »

I don't particularly feel that I've missed out on anything per se in my life. What I mean is that your definition of who you are changes and perhaps that would happen without children anyway. Who you are becomes blurred with who your children are and I wonder if that leaves when they leave, or is it something that becomes a part of your new identity and is there for life?

I'm half thinking about writing about it and am interested in other women's opinions with or without kids....

As I said up there, I don't have a child but I have been pregnant and had a miscarriage. I think that when you know your actions no longer affect only you, but also someone else, that will of course change you as a person and things can become blurry. You find yourself not doing things you would have before because now it's not just about you. I'd say when there is a little piece of you floating around elsewhere in the world you might feel that you are there also because that is where your thoughts are, if that makes sense!

I definitely changed when I found out I was pregnant and of course, when I miscarried. Having a child is a HUGE and complex thing in life so it is bound to change the definition of yourself. You are not just a woman anymore, you are a mother and as they say, that is the most important job in the world.

SarahSassy

I dont have kids but have friends who have gone from independent individuals to total one dimensional Mothers. I do respect the immense responsibility people take on when they have kids and imagine its a very hard job but from what I have seen, women tend to totally lose themselves in the Mammy thing whereas the Daddy's less so.

I also think women identify themselves by being mothers. They cant have a conversation without bringing up their little darlings and when 2 or 3 Mothers meet up, its basically just baby talk all the time. Men dont tend to do that..

In short, the bulk of mothers I know have lost themselves but dont seem to mind and dont care if they are baby bores or bad friends as it can all be justified away because people with babies just dont understand....

SS

PS I HATE the way we have adopted the American 'Mom' - whats wrong with a good Irish 'Mammy' - the Celtic Tiger has a lot to answer for .... When I hear kids calling their Mother 'Mom', all it says to me is that kid is watching too much TV.

Das Kitty

I think people talk about what's important to them. It doesn't make them one dimensional. If 3 women were in college and got together for coffee I'm sure the subject would be college. Because you don't have kids you see
this type of conversation as boring, as people who are not in college find college talk boring. It doesn't mean that either topic is better or worse than the other.
Now if a particular friend went on about their baby to you, you've every
right to change the subject, but viewing them as somehow lesser because their priorities / interests have changed isn't right.

SarahSassy

I dont view anyone as 'lesser', I do however think its rude to monopolise a conversation / night out with a topic that is only of interest to you whether its the weather, politics, your own kids, their bowel movements etc etc etc...

The post is about Mothers so I am responding about Mothers I know.... They have all, with no exceptions, put their own personalities and interests to the background and now are only interested in their kids, what the kids do and say and the all round world of the Mammy....

To me its quite boring but as I said above, any one dimensional conversation (which goes on each time we meet and not just once a yer or so) is boring...

pops

I tend to agree with you SaraSassy that a lot of mothers tend to identify themselves by or with their children. They also tend to 'bond' over similar mothering type stories in the way that men bond over talking about sport etc. Although I have kids, I'm not hugely interested in anybody else's and try not to go on about them too much.

I think you can't help but give up a part of your own 'selfhood' to be a mother and often women will justify this by babytalking. I don't know if this disappears as the babies eventually become teenagers and then leave altogether?

The Mom thing is very natural to me as I was brought up and bring my children up 'as gaeilge. The equivalent to Mother is Mama (pronounced Momma) and grandmother Mamó (pronouced Mommoh). Mammy therefore is a bastardized version of Mummy. It was probably the Irish that brought the word to America and shortened it to eventually become Mom.

Das Kitty

SarahSassy wrote: »

I dont view anyone as 'lesser'.

You said they were "One Dimensional 'mothers'"

1 Dimensional < 3 Dimensional

you may have been talking about the conversation but that's not what you posted.

I agree it's rude to monopolise conversations when there are others around who don't share the interest or connection, it's not something I allow myself to do personally. I reckon you should tell your mates to change the subject, but to be honest, it's things like this that make friendships fade away.

3 of my friends have become mothers in the past 2 years, and honestly
they are the exact same people they were before, yes the conversation topics are now different, but the same personalities and senses of humour are still there.

Nevyn

Yes you do, I lost lots of things esp as I has hit badly with post natal depression but I gained a lot of things as well and I was never a boring can only talk about kids mammy anyway, esp around those who don't have kids, I still kept up with my intrests and hobbies and current affairs and was please to have converstion which were not child orinated, and hurrah for boards as being part of that.

Don't know how many of the posters here are parents, you might have gotten more responses in the parenting forum.

SarahSassy

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes you do, I lost lots of things esp as I has hit badly with post natal depression but I gained a lot of things as well and I was never a boring can only talk about kids mammy anyway, esp around those who don't have kids, I still kept up with my intrests and hobbies and current affairs and was please to have converstion which were not child orinated, and hurrah for boards as being part of that.

Don't know how many of the posters here are parents, you might have gotten more responses in the parenting forum.

Fair play to you.... I actually miss the fun, chats and relationships we used to have and tbh have little patience or interest in the monologues about their kids but I guess that is life...

Nevyn

well SarahSassy it's not easy esp the first 4 years and if you hve more then one it's the way until the youngest hits school age, thankfully I had good friends who dragged me out and called in and were flexible about the kids and that mean I could still do and take part in some of the hobbies I had.

I_Love_Tomatoes

I hope ye don't mind me hijacking this thread for a moment - after all I'm a fella. This may seem off the point but it might be of interest.

Turns out my wife told me last night she's pregnant. I am overjoyed, but cautious and not dancing in the streets yet, as we've been married a mere 7 weeks. (I know about this 12 week rule thing... :rolleyes: ) I have always wanted to be a dad and she has always wanted to be a mum too. We are 32 and 31 respectively. Both working, normal jobs although I earn twice what she does, normal life really... nothing too crazy, not loaded but not poor, we spend money but don't waste money, have an affordable mortgage so far, living in a suburb of the big smoke.

Seeing this sort of discussion hits the nail on the head as the only thing that has her and me a little bit concerned. We know that we can't have it all... yes I know we can't do all the mad stuff that we have in the back of our minds. We have more or less accepted that there is a real possibility that it might make more sense for her to become a full time mother for a few years. It makes no economic sense to spend 60-70% of take home pay on childcare and be stressed out worrying if the young one is ok. Yes, she might lose her identity as someone who gets up at 7am, takes a train to work, works 8 hours, takes a train home and might get in the door at 6.30pm. Is that identity worth keeping? And if a second child comes along, we would need our heads examined if we were to pay for childcare for two kids.

I had a similar upbringing to Novella... mum was always there. Made a massive difference, especially in the early days (by the age of 14 you wish she wasn't there though :-) ) But there is one thing that motivates us to take on whatever happens and it's this: the number of people we know who want children but can't conceive is depressing, and they are all under 35. We were mentally prepared for going through the hassle of waiting... and IVF treatment if necessary. A gynecologist once told her that she would find it difficult to get pregnant! Her sister was trying for over a year to get pregnant. Her parents were trying almost a year to "make" her. I feel very sorry for couples who have to dish out thousands of euros on IVF and whatnot. We have a few friends in who are almost 40, and prioritised work/house/travel etc; One has managed to have a baby. The rest cannot conceive. And we know they are trying.

Losing identity?? My two cents: If you want to have a baby try to have one while you can. Otherwise start saving...

SarahSassy

Thaedydal wrote: »

well SarahSassy it's not easy esp the first 4 years and if you hve more then one it's the way until the youngest hits school age, thankfully I had good friends who dragged me out and called in and were flexible about the kids and that mean I could still do and take part in some of the hobbies I had.

Well I guess the difference is that my friends seem to be happy just being totally baby focussed. I dont buy that being busy with 2 / 3 / 4 kids is an excuse for not being interested in anyone or anything else - everyone makes a choice and some choose to live in their own worlds to the exclusion of all else.

Novella

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well I guess the difference is that my friends seem to be happy just being totally baby focussed. I dont buy that being busy with 2 / 3 / 4 kids is an excuse for not being interested in anyone or anything else - everyone makes a choice and some choose to live in their own worlds to the exclusion of all else.

In all fairness, you can't blame a mother for being "baby focused". Having a child in your life is a really big thing and many people want to cherish every second of the time they have with their children and I don't think you should look down on them for that.

I don't think mothers chose to live in their own worlds in "the exclusion of all else". I obviously can't tell you from my own experience as I don't have a baby but just because someone talks about their child / children a lot, doesn't mean they are obsessed and unable to talk about anything else. It is an exciting time in anyone's life and I am sure your friends are still interested in what's going on with you, they are probably just caught up in the overwhelming world that is being a mother.

MattKid

I think it helps if the other half, gives his wife/partner some me time, allows her to get dressed up, and doesn't just treat her as the mother of his child(ren) too.

pops

SarahSassy wrote: »

I dont buy that being busy with 2 / 3 / 4 kids is an excuse for not being interested in anyone or anything else - everyone makes a choice and some choose to live in their own worlds to the exclusion of all else.

No I don't buy it either. But sometimes when you have a few kids it's difficult to find the time to be interested in anything else, i.e. hobbies etc. You can't go out much because it's exhausting getting up at the crack of dawn. It's not worth your while working because of the cost of childcare, your financial independence also falls by the wayside. In a way all these 'outside the home' interests disappear and maybe some women feel that a part of themselves also disappears.

Having said that, I wouldn't leave my kids with a stranger to take care of as I know from personal experience that it made me extremely unhappy and felt hugely guilty about doing this. So you're caught between a rock and a hard place and you try to do the best.

PhysiologyRocks

My friend has five children. Her youngest is two. She also studies medicine, and in no way neglects her kids.

She talks about them, but also about other things. I like to hear about them, they're nice children.

She is not at all one-dimensional!

littlebug

I don't think I lost part of myself - I just became a different me with different priorities. I'll admit the first few years are all encompassing particularly if you've no family around or babysitters in easy supply. When 24 hours a day 7 days a week are taken up with caring for these little people it can sometimes be hard to think of, let alone talk about, other things That said i've seen "me" re-emerge to a greater extent over the past two years since they're not babies/ toddlers anymore. Keeping working to some extent and even keeping regular contact with colleagues when I wasn't working was very important for me.

stovelid

From what I've seen with my wife (and myself), some non-parent friends can be just as guilty of being one-dimensional. Any deviation away from "the way things used to be" and you're viewed as a shit friend.

Both sides need to adapt and work at friendships when kids come along. Good friends will stay the course - on both sides.

Birdie086

SarahSassy wrote: »

PS I HATE the way we have adopted the American 'Mom' - whats wrong with a good Irish 'Mammy' - the Celtic Tiger has a lot to answer for .... When I hear kids calling their Mother 'Mom', all it says to me is that kid is watching too much TV.

My son, who is three, calls me - mam, mammy, mom, mommy, but favours Shell or Michelle. Alot of people ask does it bother me, to which I reply - doesn't matter he knows who I am, and that I am there for him.

Dunno where he picked up mom, if he does watch tv its Bob or Thomas adn there are no moms on those programmes. I stayed with friends in west cork recently, they were born and reared in west cork in the hills with no channels and they called their mothers mom.

Quality

Ha I have definitely not lost anything...
I have gained lots of good qualities from being a Mom.. My mam always said that it was the makings of me.

It settled me down and made me grow up.. Mature..

Its just another part of me..

I am a Mom, a sister, a daughter, a wife, I am still me..

When I am on my death bed(hopefully a long time away) I am sure the last thing I will be thinking of is some job I did, I am sure it will be my family that I will be thinking of..

Lana80

Have lost a part of myself by being mum
the part that could be spontaneous,go out on a night without prior planning and for as long as I wanted.
I don't say yes to things as often as I would like either.
Saying that I have gained alot (dont mean in lbs),a greater regard for women (after a long and arduous labour),and a true sense of what unconditional love means.

Carsinian Thau

PhysiologyRocks wrote: »

My friend has five children. Her youngest is two. She also studies medicine, and in no way neglects her kids.

This is proof that women can be a mother and have a life externally to that.

But I do think that a woman would be at risk of losing part of herself due to the pressures that being a parent would put on her. Because, honestly, it's a lot to have to deal with.

I'm a guy and even I intend to wait a good long while before even thinking about children because I think that it could make it so much more difficult for me to develop a career etc.

Maybe the two (being a father and being a mother) can't be fully compared because there are (obviosuly) differences in both but coming at it from a male perspective, I think that it would be nearly impossible to have a full version of life as a mother and life as a person external to that. One will have to be diminished to some extent. And using my own parents as an example, I would imagine that for most people, it would probably be the external life that would lessen.

pops

I agree. It is a trade-off and it's not that I don't think it's worth it or anything, but I often find that a part of you is changed for good.

Overall I think it's a good change as it makes you re-assess your life and to define yourself in a way that's not related to what you do, or where you live etc.